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The first small dose Tim does for Lucy is get her a chai tea latte, he brings it into the station with a enjoy written on the cup sleeve. He hands it to her, and blinks at him, but he just shrugs his shoulders. It’s the least he could do, besides he knows he has to start small. He wants to do more, he wants to tell her that he’s sorry for everything that happened but—
“Thanks Tim.” She says. He nods and watches as she walks off, but not before she sends him a small smile over her shoulder.
He meant what he said when he said he was going to pay her back in small doses, he was going to do his best to make it right with her. He was going to do his best to earn her trust back and hopefully they would get to a place where they could be them again.
He loves her, he never stopped loving her and he thinks that is one of the hardest things about this whole process.
He blew up their relationship and ruined everything. He left her to wonder if he still loved her, which he did. Very much so.
And he is going to prove that in time, he’s going to prove that everything that happened wasn’t because he didn’t love her but because he did.
“Sergeant Bradford?” Says a voice behind him and he sees his rookie Miles Penn standing there watching him.
“What?” He says straightening up. He sees Lucy out of the corner of his eye with her cup still in hand talking to her rookie Seth.
“I got the shop ready sir.” Miles says. Tim looks Miles over, and then he nods motioning him to go forward.
“I’ll be there in a minute.” He says. Miles nods and hurries off, Tim moves to follow him but instead he goes towards Lucy and her rookie.
“Officer Chen.” He says. Both Lucy and Seth look up, and then Seth is scrambling away.
“Sergeant Bradford.” She greets him, a small smile on her face. “Can I help you with something?”
Tim opens his mouth, and then shuts it and it’s like all words fail him. “Um have a good shift.” He says. Lucy looks him over, takes a sip of her drink and nods.
“You too Sergeant Bradford.” She says. She starts to walk away, and then stops looking over her shoulder and holding up the cup. “Thanks again.” He nods at her, and watches her go.
Small doses, small steps.
***
The next small dose Tim does for Lucy is help her change her car tire. He comes out of the station to find Lucy circling her car and looking frustrated.
“Hey.” He says. She jumps a little before she’s turning to face him. “Are you okay?” She shrugs her shoulders, and he looks at her car. Her back tire is flat, and halfway off like she was trying to fix it.
“It when flat on the way to work.” She says running her fingers through her hair. “I was already running and now—”
Tim sighs but bends down to look at the tire, it looks like an easy fix as long as she has a spare tire.
“I got it.” He tells her. “You go on in. I will take care of it.” Lucy’s opens her mouth to reply, her eyes searching him and then going back to the tire.
“Tim—”
“Small doses.” He says. “I got it. Go get ready for work. You have a spare right?” Lucy nods and opens up her trunk.
“Tim you really don’t have to—” Lucy starts but Tim shakes his head and he’s already pulling the tire out of the trunk.
“I want to.” He says firmly. Lucy sighs softly, and grabs her bag out of her car. She pauses in front of Tim and looks at him like she wants to say something.
“Thanks Tim.” She says. “I really do appreciate it.” He nods and she turns around and heads inside the station without another word.
Tim takes the old tire off, and puts the new tire on. He makes sure it’s on perfectly and then he goes to lock her car.
He sees a notepad sitting in her console along with a pen thrown haphazardly on top of it. He picks them both up and writes a quick note.
All fixed, be careful and I hope you had a good shift.
Tim.
He puts it on her seat and then slips out of the car and locks it. He picks up the damaged tire and throws it in the back of his truck before heading inside the station.
He feels a little lighter, and maybe it was just another small dose. It wasn’t anything big but it was a step forward in the right direction.
And that’s all he could want.
***
“You got her a drink and changed her tire?” The woman across from Tim asks. He had gotten a new therapist, Dr. Stevens and today was the first time he spoke about Lucy. The last two sessions were just starters and a little awkward but he was starting to get a little more comfortable.
“Yes.” Tim says shifting in his seat. “I told her I would pay her back in small doses because I blew up our relationship.”
“And you want to fix it?” Dr. Stevens asks. Tim nods, and looks around the office. It’s modern but it has a warm, comfortable feel to it. Dr. Stevens is nice too, she came highly recommended and her speciality was Veterans and their PSTD.
“I do.” Tim says. “I love her, and I know I messed up. And doing little things for her is the least I can do.”
“Does she want you to be doing these things?” Dr. Stevens asks. Tim sighs and runs his fingers through his hair.
“I’m going to do whatever she allows. She set boundaries and I get it. I need to earn her trust back. I can’t just get on my knees and beg. I have to work towards it.”
“Right.” Says Dr. Stevens. “You are respecting her, that’s good.” Tim nods and Dr. Stevens studies him.
“I know this might be difficult to talk about Tim but why did you breakup with her in the first place?”
Tim sucks in a breath, he knew this was coming. He knew he would have to talk about it. Tim shifts in his seat a little uncomfortably. “I—I messed up.” He says. “I kept her in the dark, I put her life at risk.”
Dr. Stevens just nods, and Tim continues letting the words flow out. “A lot of stuff happened when I was overseas. I made a pact to take a man out, but I thought I wasn’t that man anymore.” He says. “I thought that man was long gone.”
“You buried him.” Dr. Stevens says knowingly. “It’s not uncommon for soldiers to do that Tim. You have seen horrors that no one else has.”
“Right.” Tim says. “Lucy, she is a good person. She has a big heart and she’s just incredible. I don’t see myself that way. I don’t deserve the love she gives me.”
“You think you don’t.” Dr. Stevens corrects him. “You can’t let the memory of the past takeover. You love Lucy right?”
“Yes.”
“And she loves you?” Dr. Stevens asks. Tim nods because despite everything, he thinks Lucy does love him still.
“I think she does.”
“Then why are you so afraid to show yourself to her? If you love her, and she loves you. You should be able to show yourself.”
“That man—that I was trying so hard to keep buried.” Tim says swallowing hard. “He’s not good. He’s not worthy of love.”
“Tim,” Dr. Stevens leans forward and Tim swallows hard. “You don’t know how Lucy would feel about that because you never gave her a chance to decide. You chose for her, you thought she deserved better but did you ever think she deserves better from you?”
“No.” Tim whispers shaking his head, the memory of that night flashing through his head. “I didn’t think she could love that version of me. I felt like I was drowning, I still do.”
“Then let’s work on how we can get you to the surface.” Dr. Stevens says. “It won’t be easy Tim, but if you work hard enough. If you put the work in, you will start to see the light and the progress.”
Tim sits back in his chair mulling over her words.
“Keep doing those small doses, keep going at her pace. Keep moving forward Tim. Be the version of yourself that you can be proud of.”
Tim nods, and he knows he has a lot to think about but— Dr. Stevens is right he needs to keep moving forward.
And step by step maybe it would get better.
***
The next small dose is when Celina calls him in concern. Tim knows Celina is Lucy’s new roommate and he’s glad she has someone.
His phone rings as he is stepping inside his house and he takes it out frowning when he sees who it is.
“Hello?” He answers.
“Sergeant Bradford.” Celina says. “Um— I’m sorry I’m calling but—”
“What’s going on?” He asks. He hears Kojo inside the house, but he has a feeling he’s going to be headed back to his truck.
“Lucy’s mom stopped by.” Celina says. Tim winces a little, but doesn’t say anything. “She said all these horrible things to Lucy. I-I don’t know what to say, and you are the only person—”
“I’m on my way.” He says. He opens the door and hangs up the phone, and steps inside grabbing Kojo’s leash and then calls for the dog. He loads the dog up, orders takeout to be delivered and drives to Lucy’s apartment.
Lucy answers the door, and she smiles when she sees Kojo bending down to pet the dog. “What are you doing here?” She coos. She raises her eyes to Tim, and raises her eyebrows.
“I thought you could use some company.” He says. “Food is on the way.”
“Celina called you.” Lucy says. Tim shrugs, and she steps aside to let him in. Kojo runs off to the living room jumping on the sofa. Tim opens his mouth to tell him to get off but Lucy waves him off.
“It’s fine Tim.” She says. Tim hesitates but nods and then there’s a long silence in the room.
“Are you okay?” He asks breaking the silence and looking her over. Lucy sighs and turns away from him, he stays in his place watching her.
“I’m fine.” She says. “My mom is—my mom. Nothing I do will ever please her. Whether I’m single or not. My job. Nothing will be good enough for her.”
Tim swallows and takes a step forward as Lucy turns to face him, he knows about her rocky relationship with her mom. He knows she doesn’t really talk to her, and her mom doesn’t really try to be in her life.
“I’m sorry Lucy.” He says sincerely. He knows about crappy parents, he lives it with his father. His mom had her own problems going on, and he couldn’t protect her all the time. As much as he wanted to. “You deserve better.”
Lucy freezes and stares at him, and he knows it was the wrong the to say. “Tim.” She says her voice quiet.
“Look,” He says. “I’m not going to take it back. You deserve better from your parents. You deserve better from me. I am not who I want to be right now.” He remembers what Dr. Stevens said, he needs to be better for Lucy and himself.
“Tim—”
“I’m trying Lucy. I am. I’m going to therapy, and I’m letting everything out.” He says. “I’m working on looking in the mirror and not hating myself.”
“Oh Tim.” Lucy whispers. Tim steps forward some more, and takes a deep breath.
“I’m trying Lucy.” He says. “I want to earn your trust back, you deserve better from me.”
“I know Tim.” She says sucking in a breath. “You didn’t have to come over.”
“Small doses remember?” He says. She smiles at him, just as there is a knock on the door. Tim walks over and opens the door, picks the food off the ground and sets it on the counter.
Lucy walks back over, and looks inside the bags, and then bumps him with her shoulder. “Thanks Tim.”
“Of course.”
“Do you want to stay?” She asks. She looks over her shoulder where Kojo is fast asleep on the couch.
“If you want me to.” Tim replies.
“I do.”
Tim nods and starts unpacking the food, setting it out on the counter and it almost feels like old times again.
Except at the end of the night, he’s going to take Kojo and leave. He’s not going to follow her into her bedroom. He’s not going to watch her slip on his shirt and slide into bed with her.
“You know I can hear you thinking.” She says. She looks up at him with a soft smile on her face.
He rolls his eyes at her, “I was just thinking I can’t believe you let Kojo on the sofa.”
“Like you don’t.” She says pointing her fork at him.
“I don’t.” He says and it’s the truth. He tries not to at least, but Kojo does give him puppy eyes and—
“Mmm.”
They eat in silence after that, and Tim feels himself relaxing. He feels like it’s going to be okay eventually.
He’s getting his banter back with Lucy and he misses it. He misses the relentless teasing that is really flirting and sometimes got them into trouble.
They finish eating and Tim tells her to go sit down and cuddle with Kojo. She gives him a look but he just raises his eyebrows at her. She shakes her head and goes over to the sofa, and he watches as she lays down on the sofa.
Tim cleans up the kitchen, and puts everything back where it needs to be. He watches Lucy from the kitchen and he smiles to himself.
They will get to where they need to be, he knows it. Tim walks over to Lucy and Kojo, and the dog jumps down and sits at Tim’s feet looking up at him.
“Oh I know that look.” Tim says. He turns to look at Lucy and gives her a apologetic look.
“I’m sorry—he needs to go to the bathroom and—” Lucy waves him off, and stands up. She gives his arm a squeeze and then bends down to pet Kojo.
“It’s okay.” She says. “Anytime with Kojo is always a good time.” Tim nods, and then starts to walk off.
“Thank you Tim.” Lucy says and he turns to see her at her door. “I appreciate you.” She says. Tim nods and watches her disappear into the bedroom.
He sighs and wraps Kojo’s leash around his wrist, and finds a notepad.
Lucy,
You will always deserve better from your parents, from me. I am trying, and I’m going to be the man you deserve.
Tim.
***
The next small dose comes in the form of Tim rushing to be by her side and helping her after she gets a little beat up. Her rookie comes into the station alone looking a little panicked. Tim looks around for Lucy but she’s nowhere in sight.
“Boot.” He barks and Seth jumps a little backing away when he sees Tim coming.
“Sergeant Bradford.”
“Where’s Officer Chen?” He asks. Seth hesitates and then points to where their shop is.
“She said she needed a minute.” Seth says. Tim gives him a look and then hurries off to the shop. Lucy is sitting in the front seat, her face is bruised up, her eye swollen and her lip bleeding.
His heart pounds as he opens the door slowly. “Lucy?” He asks. She turns to look at him, and he swallows down everything he wants to say. Instead he just waits for her to talk because that’s what she needs.
“I’m okay.” She says. “I promise.” Tim takes a deep breath, and holds out his hand for hers. She takes it but she doesn’t look at him as she gets out of the shop.
“What do you need Lucy?” She asks him because he knows she’s going to be stubborn. Shes going to insist she’s fine, even if she’s not. So the least he can do is ask what she needs.
“A warm bath, food and sleep.” She says honestly. “But I’m good Tim.” She looks at him now and as much as he wants to believe her—she looks like she’s in pain.
“You are not fine.” He says. She gives him a sharp look, and maybe he is pressing his luck a little bit. But he can’t help it, Lucy is hurt and in pain. If he could help relieve some of it he’s going to try.
“Tim—”
“Let me help you.” He says. “I will stop if you want me to stop but I just want to help you Lucy.”
“Small doses?” She asks. He smiles and nods, Lucy takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly as if it hurts.
“Small doses.” He agrees. “What do you want me to do?”
“Just stay with me.” Lucy says. “I-I—it was a rough day. I just need something familiar.” Tim nods, and he might ask later what happened. But he doesn’t want to push her when she’s already on the edge.
“Okay.” He says. “Go get changed and we can go from there.” She nods and he lets go of her hand and watches her disappear.
It was going to be okay.
***
Tim meets Lucy at her apartment and they go upstairs together. “I am going to go take a bath.” She says.
“I’ll order the food.” Tim replies. Lucy nods, and gives him a look before she disappears into the bathroom.
Tim orders the food, and then hears the bath start. He sits down on the couch and it’s weird not being in there with Lucy.
It was his own doing, he messed them up. They were being put back together piece by piece, he was picking up the broken pieces but he misses her. He misses that closeness and the openness. He hates that sometimes it’s awkward and stilted around her.
He sighs and looks towards the bathroom, the door is opened a crack and he can see a little bit of Lucy’s back.
He swallows hard as she disappears further into the bathroom, and a few minutes later she comes out. She’s in a robe, and while her face is still bruised and she looks exhausted. She does look better, more refreshed.
“Better?” He asks. She nods and comes over to sit by him.
“Much.”
“I’m glad.” He says. There’s a long silence in the room, and then Lucy breaks it.
“Thanks for being here Tim.” She says.
“Of course.” He says.
Lucy chews on her bottom lip, tucking some hair behind her ear. “Thanks for everything. Everything you have done for me. I know you want to do all this and you are trying to make everything right.” She says. “But I see you Tim. I see you and how you are a good man. I just wish you would see it. Because you—you are an incredible person.”
Tim sucks in a breath at her words, and looks away from her.
I see you.
You are an incredible person.
I see you.
“Lucy.” He whispers. But Lucy shakes her head, and reaches out to touch his face. She runs her fingers down his cheek and then moves it so it’s resting on his heart.
“I know you have demons and scars, I know you think I deserve better. But you didn’t give me that choice, you made the decision for me. You didn’t talk to me, you just walked away. I-I thought after everything we been through together—” She trails off, and Tim’s heart breaks a little knowing what he put her through, knowing he broke her heart. “I know you don’t see yourself past all the demons, the scars. But I do. I see the man I fell in love with, I see the man I gave my heart to. I’m not giving up on you Tim.”
Tim doesn’t have the words, doesn’t have the courage to say everything—yet. But he will one day, and he will tell her how much he loves her.
How her not giving up on him, how she gives him everything he didn’t know he needs.
Love.
Stability.
Happiness.
“I’m suppose to be comforting you.” He says. Lucy gives him a small smile, her hand still on his chest.
“Well,” She says. “I know you have been dying to ask me what happened.” Tim can’t do anything but nod and she gives a full account on what happened. A fight, and why too many things being thrown around the room.
“I’m glad you are okay.” He says. Lucy opens her mouth to reply, but she’s interrupted by someone knocking on the door.
“That’s the food.” He tells her. He gets up before she can move, gets the food and goes back to where she is sitting.
“You know these small doses are nice.” She says taking her food out. “I kind of like being waited on.”
Tim laughs, and he feels the weight on his shoulder getting lighter. He feels himself coming to the surface.
“Well I like doing them.” Tim says honestly. Lucy hums softly, and starts eating her food. Tim watches her for a few minutes.
This was good, this was very good.
“Lucy?” He asks. She turns to look at him, and smiles.
“Yeah?”
“We are going to be okay.” He says. It’s not a question, it’s a statement a matter of fact. He knows he still has work to do. There’s still trust to be regained but—
“Yeah.” Lucy says softly. “We are going to be okay.”
***
When Tim leaves that night, he once again leaves a note.
We are going to be okay. You are an incredible person, and little by little we are going to get there.
We will.
Love,
Tim.
***
“How are you Tim?” Dr. Stevens asks. Tim shifts on the chair, and thinks of the other night at Lucy’s apartment. Everything he told her, and everything she told him.
“I’m okay.” He says. “I mean I’m doing better.” Dr. Steven smiles and leans forward, looking at him.
“That’s good Tim.” She says. “I can tell you are still troubled though. What’s going on?” Tim takes a deep breath and lets it out.
“Lucy got hurt the other day, and I-I wanted to help. She just wanted me to be there with her.”
“So you were.” Dr. Stevens says. Tim nods and closes his eyes.
“I was.” He says. “We had a pretty good talk, and it’s nowhere near perfect or back to the way it was. I don’t know if it ever will be.”
“It might not go back to the way it was Tim.” Dr. Stevens agrees. “But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think sometimes you have to push away the old and welcome in the new. You have to realize that the past is the past. You and Lucy can come out stronger from this.”
“I never thought of it that way.” Tim says softly. He had been determined to making things right with Lucy, and making it go back to the way it was.
But maybe it couldn’t go back to the way it was.
Maybe it shouldn’t go back to the way it was, maybe they needed to let go of that relationship and come back in with a stronger one.
“You are still repairing your relationship. You are still regaining that trust but going back to the way it was might not be healthy. You can find a way to make your relationship better and stronger.” Dr. Stevens says
“How do I—we do that?” Tim asks.
“You let her in. You communicate with her, you said your communication was lacking right?” Dr. Steven asks. Tim nods, he has mentioned that before. They were good at a lot of stuff, but when it came to communication especially when they got together—it was lacking. They both seemed to jump over and avoid the important issues.
“Yeah. We aren’t the best at it. It’s not just her, I messed up with that too.” Tim says. Dr. Stevens nods in understanding.
“Sometimes communication is hard. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the person what you are feeling, but it’s good that you recognize that.” She says. “And it’s good that you are making those small steps forward with Lucy.”
Tim nods and leans back in his seat, he didn’t think this would happen over night. He didn’t think Lucy would just trust him again all of a sudden but—
Dr. Stevens was right, they were making progress. And that’s all that matters to him. Small steps forward were better than small steps back. And he could live with that for right now.
***
The next small dose comes in the form of honesty and communication. Lucy is pulled to go on a small UC op to help Angela out. Tim, Mile and Seth are set outside as the backup. He doesn’t like this, he doesn’t like that Lucy is inside the store with a known murderer.
He can’t see her fully but he knows she would give the signal to move in.
Tim breathes deeply, trying to calm the nerves that are arising. “Sir?” Miles says from next to him. “Are you—”
“I’m fine.” He snaps not looking at the rookie. He feels Miles’s eyes on him but he still doesn’t look over.
He wants to move closer, just to make sure she’s okay. Lucy had been pulled so fast into this op, that Tim didn’t have time to process it.
He knows she’s good at what she does, he knows she will tap out if she needs to but he is still worried. He still feels like he can’t breathe.
It’s like something is sitting on his chest, a heavy weight that won’t go away until he knows Lucy is okay.
He sees Lucy move into view, and his heart nearly drops. She has a gun pointed at her head, the man is pressing it in hard.
“Sir?”
“Officer Chen knows what she is doing.” Tim says.
Give the signal Luce.
Give the signal.
She does a slight wave of the hand, its subtle but it’s there. Tim is out of the car in seconds with the rookies behind him. By the time they are inside, Lucy has the suspect on the ground with the gun kicked aside.
Thank god.
She’s okay.
Lucy looks up and nods at him, and he feels his shoulders dropping. He hates this—he hates being so worried something is going to happen. He hates feeling like he can’t breathe because the woman he loves is in trouble.
He hates that he can’t seem to work through these issues no matter how hard he tries.
“Tim.” Someone touches his arm and he jumps a bit, Lucy is looking at him curiously. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” He says. “No. I’m not. I—” Lucy frowns at him but then someone is pulling her away and he shuts his mouth.
And it suddenly feels like he’s falling backwards and he can’t stop falling.
***
Lucy catches up with Tim later at the station and he doesn’t know what to say. The image of the gun pressed against her head was going to haunt him for a long time.
“Tim—”
“Can you do something for me?” He asks. She looks at him strangely but nods her head.
“Can you come to therapy with me?” He asks. Lucy swallows hard, her face a look of shock.
“You want me to come?” She asks. “Why?” Tim looks up at the ceiling, and then back at Lucy.
“You had a gun pressed against your head—I’m not okay with that, I don’t want to feel like that every time you are on a UC op. I don’t want to feel like I have to push my feelings down so I don’t hold you back.”
“Tim you—” Lucy starts but then she closes her eyes. “Yes. I will go to therapy with you.” Tim nods, and he takes a deep breath.
“Okay.”
“It was scary for me too.” She whispers. “I-I was terrified. But I knew you were out there watching out for me.”
“I won’t always be.” He says and that thought terrifies him but he knows being her backup isn’t always going to happen.
“I know.” She says softly. “I know Tim.” He nods and then motions her to follow him.
“I’ll text you the address.”
Lucy nods and he walks off, he wants to get to therapy and tell Dr. Stevens Lucy is coming in. He just feels like he needs to get this off his chest.
And he just wants someone else to listen in, he’s not sure if Dr. Stevens will say anything he hasn’t heard before but—it’s worth a try.
***
“I asked Lucy to come.” Tim says when he sits down. “I need to say somethings to her and I need—”
“What happened Tim?” Dr. Stevens asks gently.
“She went on a UC op, it was small and I was outside but she—there was a close call.” He says. Dr. Stevens nods.
“UC work has been something you two have glossed over?”
“It’s one of the things.” He replies. “I don’t want to hold her back, I don’t want her to quit because of me. I would never ask her to choose.”
“But?”
“My ex wife. She was a UC and she got addicted to drugs and it tore us apart. Lucy is different, but I still have that fear I’m going to lose her. For good. I told her I would work through my issues but I don’t think I can do it alone.”
Dr. Stevens nods and then there’s a knock on the door. “Come in.” Dr. Stevens calls looking over at Tim. The door opens and Lucy steps through looking a little nervous.
“You must be Lucy.” Dr. Stevens says. Lucy nods and looks over at Tim. “Have a seat.” Lucy sits in the chair next to Tim.
“Tim was just telling me about the UC op.” Dr. Stevens starts. Lucy hires her lip and looks over at Tim.
“Yeah. It was a short one.”
“There was a close call?” Dr. Stevens asks. Lucy nods and looks at Tim again, and then looks away.
“I handled it.” Lucy says. “But it was scary.” Tim’s heart flips over in his chest, and he sees the gun again
“I’m sure it was.” Dr. Stevens says. “Tell me more about it.” So Lucy does and Tim listens feeling a little nauseous at all the details he didn’t know.
“I—am still confused as to why I’m here.” Lucy says. “You asked me to come Tim but you haven’t said a word.”
Dr. Stevens turns to Tim. “Tim?” She says raising her eyebrows. Tim takes a deep breath and turns to look at Lucy.
“I told you I would work on my issues with you being UC.” He says. “I told you I would work through them but— we never talk about it. It’s my fault too, it terrifies me to know you are out there and dealing with these criminals.”
“I can handle it Tim.”
“I know.” He says. “But that’s not—watching you today with a gun pressed against your head, it made me feel a little crazy.”
“Tim—”
“I’m going to be honest and open with you Lucy. I would never make you choose between me and UC. I would never ever do that. I know you love it. And god knows you excel at it. But I don’t want to go through that pain again. I can’t lose you. I know technically I already did and it’s my fault but you are everything. And losing you—”
“You are incredible Tim.” Lucy says and there are tears in her eyes. “I know you wouldn’t make me chose and I appreciate that. I do. But if I decide not to do UC, it won’t be because of you.”
“If you—”
Lucy shrugs her shoulders, “I’ve been thinking about it for awhile. I didn’t make detective—”
“You can still make detective Lucy.”
“I know but I don’t have to do UC. I can do something else.” She says. “I just haven’t been feeling that passion I once had. It’s dangerous work, and switching to someone you are not isn’t easy. I don’t know.” She shrugs her shoulders almost looking defeated.
“But you love it.” Tim says and he remembers how eager she was to do UC ops.
“I love you more.” She says in a matter of fact tone. “You matter more than a job Tim. If I had to choose between you and UC—I would choose you.”
“Lucy.” He whispers softly. Lucy leans over a little and reaches out for his hand. “I appreciate you being honest with me.” She says. “I’m just being honest with you. You are everything too.”
Tim sucks in a breath, and looks at Dr. Stevens who is looking between them. “This is healthy communication.” She says smiling.
Lucy lets out a wet laugh, and scoots closer to Tim. “I’m so sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about this. I know this is hard for you, I know the trauma you went through with Isabel. I don’t want to do that to you again.”
Tim shakes his head, and closes his eyes briefly before opening them again. “You have always been in tune to my feelings Luce.” He says. “You are different than Isabel but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to worry, but I don’t also don’t want to push my feelings down anymore. I can’t do that anymore.”
“Oh Tim.” Lucy whispers and she looks a little guilty like she was the reason he did push down his feelings. “I’m so sorry.”
“We both avoided it Lucy. I said I would be fine and that was a lie. If you decide to do UC, I will support you. You just have to be patient with me…it’s a lot.”
“I know.” Lucy says. “I know Tim.” Tim looks over at Dr. Stevens who is smiling at them.
“You two are headed in the right direction. Just keep moving forward, I know you will get there.” She says. Tim nods and he stands up but Lucy stays sitting.
“Is everything okay?” Tim asks her. She nods and turns to Dr. Stevens.
“Can I talk to you for a few minutes?” She asks.
“Of course.” Dr. Stevens says. Tim figures that’s his cue to leave and slips out of the room. He hurries down to his truck and opens it up. He finds a notepad and scribbles something down.
You matter more too. I love you.
He slips it on to her windshield and then waits in his truck. Lucy comes down fifteen minutes later, and he climbs out meeting her at her car.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” Lucy says looking down at her hands. “I just wanted some advice—but I realized she’s your therapist so she recommended me one.”
“Oh.”
“Thanks for inviting me.” Lucy says. “I didn’t realize how much we lacked in communication.”
“Thanks for agreeing to come.” Tim says. “I know I sprung it on you.”
“It was enlightening.” Lucy says and she steps closer to him reaching out for his hands. “I’m so proud of you Tim. You have come so far.”
“Thank you.” He says. “You are amazing Lucy.” Lucy smiles at him, and it almost feels like everything is coming back together.
“You are amazing too.” She says. Tim smiles at her, and then she turns away to go to her car.
She doesn’t say anything more but she doesn’t have to. Tim knows there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, he knows good things are coming and he can’t wait to reach them.
***
The next small dose is when Tim asks Lucy to be his date to the station gala. After their therapy session, things had been looking up even more than before. It was like everything was coming together.
They were talking more, their flirty banter was coming back. He was doing smaller doses here and there with bringing her coffee, buying her lunch. And Tim was going to therapy and talking everything out.
And asking her to gala really isn’t a big deal, he knows she’s most likely going alone and so is she so—
“Hey.” He says when she comes out of the locker room already changed. “I have a question for you.”
“Yes?”
“This gala thing is a big deal.” He says. She raises her eyebrows at him, looking amused.
“It kind of is.” She replies.
“Do you um—do you have anyone to go with?” He asks feeling nervous. He’s not sure how many times you can ask one girl out.
“Just myself.” She says and then she grin at him. “Are you asking me to go to the gala with you?”
“Maybe.” He says. “If you want to go with me.” Lucy gets a grin on her face, that makes him smile.
“I would love to go with you.” She says. Tim feels himself relax and then Lucy steps closer to him.
“Are you going to pick me up?”
“If you want me to or I can meet you there.” He says. She shakes her head, and smiles up at him.
“Pick me up.” She says. Tim nods and she reaches out to squeeze his hand before she’s walking away.
And suddenly he can’t wait for this gala.
***
Tim stands at Lucy’s door and knocks on it once again feeling nervous. Lucy opens the door, and grins when she sees him. He’s just wearing a black suite jacket and pants, it was a fancy event after all.
Lucy is wearing a black dress, that wraps around her and hugs all her curves. She looks amazing, and he can’t believe he gets to take her.
“You look beautiful.” He says. She smiles at him, and grabs her purse and closes the door behind her.
“Thank you.” She says. “You don’t look too bad yourself.” Tim holds out his arm and she takes it as they walk down the stairs.
They get to the venue where the gala is being held, an old hotel. Lucy takes Tim’s arm again and he leads her inside.
She stops just inside the door, and turns to face him. She straightens his jacket out, and that’s when he sees it. He didn’t notice it when he picked her up but—
She has the necklace on, the way he gave her for Valentine’s Day last year. The one he thought she threw out after the breakup. He stares at it, and he wants to reach out and pull her to him.
“You okay?” She asks. He snaps out of his daze and looks up at her.
“You are wearing it.” He says softly. “The necklace.” Lucy’s hand goes to her neck and she clutches it in her hand.
“Is that okay?” She asks. Yes. Absolutely yes.
“Of course.” He says. “Of course it is.” She smiles at him, and leans up to kiss him on the cheek.
“Thanks for inviting me.” She says. Tim nods, and she steps back. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.”
He watches her go and smiles to himself. Tonight is the first night, he’s felt like himself in a long time. It’s the first night, that he felt like he could be himself. And it feels so good, after everything he has been through. After everything he put himself and Lucy through.
He knows this is worth it, and he knows Lucy is worth it. He makes his way further into the ballroom, and sees everyone from the station dressed up and sipping on drinks. Everyone looks out of their element but also relaxed.
“Hey.” Says a voice from behind him. He turns to see Lucy looking up at him. “Order me a drink?” He nods and leads her over to the bar. He orders their drinks, and then sits down on the stool.
“This is nice.” She says. He nods and watches as she takes her tequila shot. “Thanks for asking me.”
“Thanks for saying yes.” He replies taking a sip of his beer. They sit there in silence and then someone is pulling Lucy off. He stays where he is watching as Lucy mingles among the crowd. She comes back over about fifteen minutes later, “Do you want to get some air?” She asks. He nods and she takes his hand, leading him up some stairs. They emerge onto the roof, and Tim can see all of Los Angeles below them.
“Woah.” He says. Lucy laughs still holding onto his hand and leads him to a small table.
“Angela told me about it.” She says. “I thought we could use a break.” Tim nods and settles down into the chair.
“Are you good?” Lucy asks after a few minutes of silence. Tim nods and turns to face her.
“I’m good Luce. Just thinking.” He says.
“About?”
“Everything. You. Me. Everything that happened with Ray. And how I don’t want to hold anything back anymore. Especially from you.”
“Tim—”
“I want to be better for you and myself. I want to be the man you deserve and one I’m proud of. I love you so much Lucy. I want to be better for you, I want to do better. I just want you Lucy. And I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for letting you down and breaking us apart.” He says. “I have a lot of regrets and breaking your heart will always be one of them.” Lucy’s eyes are full of tears as she leans forward, she holds out her hands and he takes them.
“You also helped put us back together.” She whispers. “You sought out help, you did all these small doses for me. You did all that Tim, you proved to me that you want this and you want us.”
“I do.”
“I just need to know that this wasn’t all for nothing and you won’t retreat into yourself. You will talk to me or someone. You won’t walk away again.” She says.
“I’m not going to make that mistake again. I don’t want to lose you again, I can’t lose you again, you have shown me more grace and kindness than I deserve.” Tim says. “And if we do this—again. I’m going to keep making it up to you. I’m not going to walk away again. Okay?” Lucy wipes a tear from her face and scoots her chair closer so their knees are touching.
“Okay.” She whispers. “We are going to do stuff together.”
“I like the sound of that.” Tim says. Lucy gives him a warm smile, and he holds out his hand. She takes it and he pulls her up, pulling her so she’s flush against his chest. He wraps his arm around her waist and she puts her hands on his chest. He sways them back and forth it, letting the silence wash over them.
“Not to be too forward,” she says. She fixes his collar and gives him a bright smile. “But I love you.”
Tim laughs, and presses a soft kiss to her lips before pulling back. It feels like his world is back on its axis. Like everything is going to be okay, because Lucy is back in his arms. He knows it’s not perfect yet, they still had a ways to go but there were somewhere. They were moving forward, and that’s all he could ever want.
“Hey Luce?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you too.”
The smile that Lucy gives him is worth it all.
***
Tim takes Lucy home that night and walks her in. She tells him to stay put and hurries off to her bedroom.
He takes the opportunity to write her a quick note. It’s a simple message, and it’s one she already knows but he wants to make sure she knows.
I love you
Love Tim.
***
“You and Lucy are back together?” Dr. Stevens asks. Tim nods and he can’t help but smile. They are technically back. They are still working on their relationship and themselves but they were back.
There were little touches, and kisses. They would hang out after work, he would buy her lunch and bring her food. They had yet to go on their third first date yet or jump back into bed together. They both decided they needed to take it slow, and ease back into it.
He’s eager to have her that way again but he knows it will be worth it.
“And everything is going okay?”
“It’s amazing.” He says. “We are still working on everything. But I know—Lucy is it for me.”
Dr. Stevens smiles and jots something down. “You have come along ways Tim. I can see you are trying to be better. But don’t just be better for Lucy, be better for yourself. Be the leader, the friend, the person people rely on that you are. And if you start to struggle, don’t shut down. I know you have people out there who care about you.”
“Yeah.” He says. “I do. I don’t want to stop coming to therapy.”
“I’m glad.” Dr. Stevens says. “The work doesn’t stop here Tim. You always can keep improving.”
Tim nods, and he’s glad the work isn’t done. He’s glad he can keep improving not only on himself but his relationship with Lucy.
And he knows it can only go up from here.
***
“Hey babe?” Lucy calls from the kitchen. Tim peeks his head from her bedroom, and she smiles at him.
“Yes?”
“Can you get my phone charger? It’s in my bedside table.” She says. Tim nods his head and disappears back into her bedroom. He walks over to her side of the bed, and opens up her bedside table drawer. He pulls the charger out, and a piece of paper falls to the ground. He bends down to pick it up and looks at it.
It’s one of the notes he wrote her a few months ago. He looks down in the drawer and sees all the notes. The one from when he fixed her tire, the one he left when he came over after her mom stopped by. Even the one on the cup sleeve.
She kept them all.
She kept them all.
“Tim?” Lucy voice sounds behind him but he doesn’t turn around until he feels her tap his arm. “What’s wrong?”
He turns around and looks at her, shaking his head in disbelief. He wrote these notes just to let her know he was thinking of her, to say all the things he couldn’t say out loud at the moment. He didn’t even think they would mean anything to her.
“You kept them.” He says. He picks up the cup sleeve, “You kept the notes.”
“Of course I did.” She says. “They were from you.”
God he loves her.
So much.
“Even this?” He asks holding the cup sleeve up. She laughs a little and takes it from him and puts it aside.
“Yes.” She says. “I thought it was sweet you took your time to write them every time. No matter what. I liked finding them and it showed me you really cared.”
“I didn’t think you would keep them.”
Lucy shrugs and he gathers her in his arms pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I will keep writing you notes. I can’t promise they will always be so tame.” He says and he’s half joking but half not.
Lucy raises her eyebrows at him, “I’m going to hold you to that babe.” She says.
Tim kisses her and then she reaches to grab the phone charger. “Dinner is almost ready.” She says. He gives her a soft smile and she leaves the room. He looks down at the notes again and shakes his head.
He is really glad she kept them.
***
Lucy,
I love you today, tomorrow and forever.
And I’m really glad we are still good at other things.
Love,
Tim.