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He's longing, he realizes.
He's longing and it's frustrating as fuck, because Ronan Lynch does not long.
He doesn't long and he doesn't yearn and he doesn't just, just — crush on someone, goddammit.
Much less on someone he's never met —or, has only met once.
He doesn't really know what it is, why he's so into Parrish, or why he's always on his mind. This practically stranger has taken his sweet spot inside Ronan's head, and won't budge.
He guesses he'll blame Gansey for it and move on.
If only it were that easy.
Doomsday, as Ronan calls it, was when Ronan went up to visit Gansey at university, which he really didn't want to, thank you very much, but Gansey was miserable because of some family drama, and what can one do? So Ronan put his big pants on and braved the long, long, road to civilization.
It was not bad, not really, not when he got to see Gansey and spend time with him. Sure, they were older and wiser but some things are as certain as Ronan's loathing.
Certain: Gansey making everything better, Gansey spending time with him, Gansey being a great friend.
Not-so-certain: Gansey's not-so-new friend, Adam Parrish.
Apparently, while Ronan was busy hiding away at the Barns, Gansey was reconnecting with an old classmate that Ronan had only — apparently — seen once in Aglionby. He figured it was just Gansey being Gansey, and didn't give it much thought. It was never unheard of that Gansey couldn't make friends.
Until suddenly, Parrish was all he would hear about: Adam showed me this last week, Adam finished top of his Latin class, can you believe? Adam actually fixed my car, apparently, he used to be a mechanic?
And what could one do? Ronan is just one guy.
So naturally, he started looking out for any mention of Parrish, any excuse to know more. He figured he'd meet him soon enough, anyway, and he'd get to see him as well.
Oh, if only.
Ronan's not dumb. He knows that if he asks Gansey about Parrish just a bit more, and visits a bit more, he will definitely see him. But he also knows that Gansey will become obsessive. He might assume Ronan has a bone to pick with his esteemed friend and will make sure to hide him far, far away. Or worse, he might think Ronan is interested in making friends and go on to introduce him to every person he knows on campus.
So Ronan, naturally, stays quiet about his rapidly growing interest. He listens with practiced disinterest when Gansey tells him what Parrish has been up to, as if he hasn't been fishing for information or looking for a chance to just bring him up.
Once, and he swears it, he managed to see Parrish's shadow as he was walking away from Gansey's apartment. He had just arrived, parked, and was getting out and locking the car, when he looked up and managed to catch someone turning around the corner. It was only after he went up that Gansey casually said, "Oh yeah, Adam was just here."
Oh yeah, go ahead and stab me while you're at it, he thought.
He was aware he was being dramatic. It was literally just an interest in someone; it wasn't that big of a deal. Only, he didn't know where he could go from there. Ask Gansey about him? Okay, and then what, have Gansey figure it out? Yeah, absolutely not.
So he longs and longs and longs some more, until he remembers one necessary evil that he can actually do while he waits around for a coincidence.
It takes him a bit, cause after all he's still Ronan, pining or not, but he manages to get on Instagram of all things, and look up Adam Parrish. There aren't many, and there aren't any followed by Gansey —except one.
And Ronan might be very technologically challenged, but even he can tell he's not supposed to click around and alert Parrish that he's, god forbid, stalking him — even though that's exactly what it is. So as carefully as he can, he scans his profile, and there are very few pictures, so it doesn't take much time, and even fewer of his face. But one thing is undeniable: Ronan is truly and utterly fucked.
Because Adam Parrish is exactly his type.
Nothing, nothing good comes from motherfucking phones.
For the record, Ronan doesn't know if Parrish is single or not. He knows he's not straight, because Gansey has told him about Parrish's ex-boyfriend, that Ronan and Gansey had motherfucking ran into instead of, you know, seeing Parrish, god forbid.
It wasn't eventful, really. The guy was nice apparently, and Gansey kept in touch after they broke up, and Parrish did not mind. So when Ronan was visiting again, ("You're visiting a lot more, Ronan, I'm very glad.") hoping to catch his crush somewhere, they were walking around campus, when Dick suddenly stopped and turned to walk fast towards someone.
Ronan is not a liar, so he's not going to say his heart didn't backflip repeatedly until he confirmed that whoever it was, wasn't Parrish. Then, he tuned out of the conversation, until he heard, "Yeah, Adam handed in his exam early and left."
And just, what? He left? What was Ronan doing on campus, then?
He managed to swallow his groan and wait until it was time to go. Gansey, when they were alone once again, helpfully said, "That was Adam's ex, Joshua. He's a decent guy, and Adam doesn't mind, so we're still friends."
Had he known, he would've paid much more attention to the conversation but, anyway, two things pleased Ronan: Joshua is an ex, and Joshua is a guy.
Whatever Ronan is expecting to happen, keeps on not happening. It's like someone up there specifically has it out to get him.
Ronan goes to visit Gansey unprompted? Oh, Adam just left!
Ronan goes to campus and walks around before Gansey's class lets out? Too bad Adam's sick.
Ronan stays a few days at Gansey's? Adam would have loved to join us, but he's swamped with work.
And really, just what? What even? How does this even happen to someone? He swears the universe is laughing at him.
That train of thought doesn't really lead him anywhere good: he thinks about why.
Ronan has always been a believer, and he knows there must be a reason fate, or whatever, is holding him by the back of his neck so he doesn't meet him. He just can't find a good enough answer. If the universe knows Parrish is going to hate his guts and is sparing him, he doesn't mind. If it's because they won't click, he doesn't care. And if it's because they will, actually, fit so well together that it will eventually crash and burn and might disturb Gansey, well, Ronan is one, weak, weak, man with a crush big enough that he doesn't fucking mind.
He seriously just wants to see him once again.
He knows that's not the whole truth because deep down —and really, it's surface level— Ronan hopes to leave an impression. He hopes he's also Parrish's type —even though judging by Joshua, not really, but he's ignoring that— and that he may have a chance for at least becoming friends.
He wants the chance to see him, to know him. He's heard a lot about Adam, he knows so much about him, they have plenty of things in common, and he wants a chance. To be seen, to be known.
It's so pathetic that Ronan already has conversations planned in his head, Did you see what Gansey got? Yeah, it's awful, what do you think? or, We ran into Joshua, I can't imagine being on good terms with my ex, he was a dick.
And, if he manages to squeeze in that he's not straight and very, very interested, well that's between him and his God.
Gansey once sent him one picture from that one day they did actually meet, back in Aglionby, back when he didn't care, back when it didn't matter.
Ronan wasn't really aware pictures were being taken, and he's thankful. Had he known, he would've messed it up and made sure to break the person's phone. Gansey doesn't even remember who took it exactly, he just found it by chance on his very old phone when he decided to turn it back on for some reason. He told Ronan it was in the first days after Parrish joined their high school before Ronan stopped going.
It shows the three of them: Ronan and Gansey on the far right, and Adam on the left. It's nothing special really, they didn't run in the same circles, Gansey and Adam didn't become friends back then and Ronan soon dropped out of high school.
The picture is still engraved in Ronan's brain.
Because while it's absolutely nothing, it's still undeniable, viable, liable proof that they once existed in the same place, at the same time.
The one thing Ronan is longing for, that most likely, isn't happening anytime soon.
He realizes things are getting out of hand when he wakes up in a cold sweat.
What the fuck was that?
He dreamt he met him. He dreamt that — that Adam was right in the next room, and he was able to go in, and introduce himself, and not make a big deal out of it, and, and...
Fuck. His hyperfixation is getting out of hand.
Can it be just that? A hyperfixation that won't budge because they haven't met? Ronan is not above ignoring some things, but it is plausible that it's just that because he doesn't know that many people. And then, he remembers the pictured freckles, and the hands, and the hair, and groans so loudly that Chainsaw squawks at him; offended he's bothering her in the middle of the night.
He thinks it's most likely because he's lonely.
And isn't that sad? Someone like him at his age, all alone in a property big enough to house families, and yet only houses one human and several animals.
He tells himself it's fine and that he has enough, he's had enough. He doesn't need a partner, no matter how pretty, intelligent, and interesting, to share his space with him. And that's true at some level: he's been alone, and he might be alone in the future with the people around him building up their lives. It just feels like he's stuck somewhere he cannot seem to get out of.
Is the universe telling him to slow down? Is it telling him he's undeserving of love? Or is it simply a matter of time? Does he wait? Does he try, even though every time he tried, he failed again and again?
He thinks he'll be able to fall asleep better when he figures out the answers.
He thinks he deserves to be known and seen.