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It isn’t until a few days after he joins the crew again, does Sanji let himself be held by them again. And god, when he finally does, because he knew he couldn't distance himself from them forever.
It’s the fourth night, he faintly recalls, but it’s been longer since he last slept with them two. When he came back, Luffy eagerly invited him to their larger shared hammock, ready to completely forget about everything and go back to the way it was. But he saw the look in Zoro’s eyes (well, eye), the look that told him everything.
“I’m not ready to forget just yet.”
And Sanji would be lying if he said he didn’t want to take Luffy’s offer, because he did. He wanted nothing more than to sleep between the two of them for the first time in months and let them hold him again. But it wouldn’t be fair. Sanji knew Zoro, and Sanji knew Zoro needed time.
So he was willing to give him that time. Was willing to tell Luffy, to his face,
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I’m ready yet.”
To mimic Zoro’s words in his head without specifics, because he didn’t want to make Zoro uncomfortable.
Sure, it hurt to say, it hurt so much because he missed them, but he didn’t want to rush Zoro’s feelings, or even Luffy’s, because while Luffy looked like he was ready to forget, Sanji didn’t want him to. He remembered hurting him, he remembered kicking him, all of it. He didn’t want to forget that, because he knows he was in the wrong. He didn’t want Luffy to forget about it, because what he did was genuinely fucked up.
That’s what got him here, guilt ridden and cold as he lay on his own hammock away from the two of them. It’s been this way for the past four nights. He told himself not to, but every single night, Sanji couldn’t help but sit up and glance at them, peacefully sleeping together, and hate himself for it. If he wasn’t so stupid, maybe he could be lying with them this very second.
Did he deserve to lay with them though, after everything..? No, no he didn’t. So he let it continue, and he would keep it up until either Luffy or Zoro said something, because his own emotions didn’t matter when he was the one who hurt them, he told himself.
Sanji layed back down into the hammock, now turning his back to them. He didn’t want to think about it for another night, but what if they never said anything..? Would he be able to live with that? Never being loved by them again?
Against his own will, a few silent sniffles made their way through his nose, his throat closing up as Sanji quickly brang a hand to wipe at the all too familiar wetness from his eyes.
This was new. He had never let himself think this far, normally making himself sleep before he could overthink, but this was different, he couldn’t help it. The what ifs rang through his mind, finding ways to make him believe that they were going to happen.
He couldn’t stop, why? Why can’t he stop crying? He doesn’t deserve them, he doesn’t. If they hate him then that’s okay. He needs to believe that, needs to believe that there’s a chance they actually hate him, and it’s scary, because he did this.
Sniffles soon turn to full on sobs, and his hands do little to hide the pitiful sounds coming from his side of the room. He’s glad that the Sunny has more rooms, because it’s only the three of them in the room at the moment, and if Usopp or even Chopper had heard him, he knew he’d have to talk about it, and he didn’t want to.
It took only a few more minutes of him crying before he heard someone getting out of bed, and his entire body froze. Who could be getting up at this time of day…? Sanji immediately stifled his crying and held his breath, trying to prevent that odd noise that emerges from your throat after crying for so long.
But when the footsteps sounded like they were coming his way, Sanji shut his eyes. What if whoever got up was coming this way to shut him up? What if they told him to leave? To sleep somewhere else? What if they hit him? Men don’t cry, right? He was a pitiful human, fuck, he shouldn’t even be here. He should go. He should go before they’re able to see him like this-
…
And then warm arms were surrounding him. A dip in the hammock indicating that they weren’t ushering him away at all, no, whoever got up had moved into the hammock with him. And he knew. Sanji knew by the way those arms surrounded him who it was immediately.
“Zoro….”
His voice wavered, silently and broken, as he slowly turned around, and let himself be weak. He felt his face press against the familiar feeling of that damned scar on his chest as he shut his eyes and let it all out.
As his body shook with more sobs, he felt one hand run its fingers through his blond hair, the other rubbing circles on his back. Was he dreaming..? Was any of this even real..?
He took a deep breath before pulling back to look at Zoro. He needed to know if this was out of pity or something, anything that showed him that none of this was real…
But he didn’t find it. Instead, a brown eye looked back at him, and Sanji didn’t know if it was the lighting, or the dust in the air, or something, but it looked like he was… Crying..?
The hand at the back of his head softly pressed his face closer to Zoro again, and only then did he faintly hear his voice, but quiet and calm.
“I missed you, so much Curly.”
And that, more than anything, broke anything that was keeping Sanji from believing that this was real.
He immediately clung to Zoro tighter, muttering a string of apologies and promises to never keep secrets from them again. The mosshead- goodness, it’s been so long since he referred to him as that- only shushed him gently, continuing to pet his hair and rub his back.
They only laid like that for a minute more before he heard more shuffling from the other side of the room. This time, the person made no effort to shush his footsteps or even hide who he was as he-
“SANJIIIIII!!!!”
And just like that, Sanji now had two people surrounding him, His face pressed against Zoro’s chest, and Luffy, with his face buried into his unkempt blonde hair. Luffy had even stretched an arm out to hold Zoro’s back, keeping them pressed together, as his other hand snuck around Sanji to personally hold him as well.
The entire time, he couldn’t help but continue to mumble apologies, especially to Luffy, who he’d not only mentally hurt, but physically injured as well.
And sure, he knew this was only the beginning, and that they’d have a lot to talk about considering the past few months. But while Sanji was still unsure about all of it, about their love for him being genuine and not out of pity, Luffy never lied. so when he heard him gently yet sternly mutter into his hair,
“Sanji, it’s okay. I will never ever stop loving you.”
He knew that things, with time, would be just fine.