The Narrator
You’re on a path in the woods, and at the end of that path is a cabin. And in the basement of that cabin is a princess.
The Narrator
You’re here to slay her. If you don’t, it will be the end of the world.
- Uhhh… That’s pretty sketchy, like isn’t it a sign of mental decline to hear voices in your head telling you to kill?
The Narrator
Huh? Oh, me? No, I'm a guide giving you directions. Not a "voice in your head telling you to kill."
- …Are you not in my head and didn’t you just tell me to slay some princesses. And I dunno if you’ve ever heard of a synonym but kill is synonymous with slay. Actually what’s with that princesses, how will she end the world? Is she gonna nuke everything? Release a plague upon the world? Slowly poison the world with pollution?
The Narrator
She's going to end everything. Every tree, every person, gone in the blink of an eye.
The Narrator
And sure they're synonyms, but you're making it sound worse than it is.
- …Okay so human nuke got it. So say I do go slay her Mr. Murderous Voice in my Head? How? How do I know she’s even alive right now if she’s in some basement? You can only go three days without water after all…. Hmmm I can’t remember where I learned that. Like I know it’s a fact…
The Narrator
She's alive because the world is at stake. Trust me, I'd know if she wasn't alive right now.
- That… that just makes you so much less trustworthy. Do you not see how odd this situation is? Now that I’m thinking about it I can’t remember… anything. How did I get here? Who are you? Who am I?
The Narrator
I’m the narrator. You’re you. And how you got here is irrelevant. You have a job to do.
- Well… I’m just going to bottle that up for later. But what if I don’t? What if I decide that you’re weird and I’m not going to listen to weird voices in my head telling me things? What if I want to just wander through the forest collecting cool rocks and leaves?
The Narrator
Then the world ends.
The Narrator
But decision's yours, I guess.
- Ok… well… Shit decisions. I don’t think I’m good at those… Well do I get anything? Like some cool trinkets? Money? Gems? If I do that will sway my decisions.
The Narrator
There is a reward for you. But it's a secret. What I can tell you is that whatever you're thinking, it's even better.
- …Better than shiny rocks? Like… ooooh! Some pretty gem stones and stuff! Or some cool coins! Ok I’m sold! Well unless the Princess offers me something better. But! For now consider me on your side. [Head to the cabin]
The Narrator
I'm sure there's nothing she can offe- uh, one more thing. It's very likely that she'll try to bribe you if she learns what persuades you. But anything she says is an empty promise. Don't listen to a word she says.
- But isn't she rich? Like royalty equals riches correct? Unless she was overthrown... Well anyways I am not just going to tell her what I want! I'm going to ask her how much she values her life and what she's willing to give me in exchange for not killing her! [Head into the cabin]
The Narrator
The interior of the cabin is almost entirely bare. The air is stale and musty and there's dust in the air, as if someone's been here before, but they've long since left. The only furniture of note is a plain wooden table. Perched on that table is a pristine blade.
The Narrator
The blade is your implement. You'll need it if you want to do this right.
- Shiny! Nice! [Take the blade and turn it around, watching the light reflect off it]
The Narrator
You take the blade. It would be... difficult to... are you listening to me?
- Uh huh... [Ignore him to admire the shiny metal]
The Narrator
Uh. Whenever you're ready?
- Oh! Right, murder to be done... She'll be less likely to talk to me if I go down waving this around but I really don't want to leave it up here...
The Narrator
It's a fair trade. You make your way down to the basement.
Who's there?
- "Um... person who will not hurt you in any way!" (Lie)
If you're here to try to kill me just get it over with.
The Narrator
Huh. I'd have assumed her to keep her options a bit more... open than that.
- "Who said I'm going to do that? In fact! I am willing not to do that, not that I was ever planning to Ms. Princess who's name I don't know and is not to be killed." [Go down the stairs]
The Narrator
As you make your way down to the basement, you lock eyes with the Princess, who already seems upset at you.
And you have the blade.
Let me lay out the dilemma before you.
If you try to kill me, it will end very badly for you.
If you get me out of here... well, nobody's tried that. But I'll make it worth your while.
The Narrator
Don't forget what I said about empty promises.
- "...Ok, yeah ya' got me. So like, someone told me they'd give me a really cool prize for killing you. If you can prove you can top it I'll free you. If not... welp I guess I'm becoming a hitman."
Well. That's different.
Let me think what I can offer you. Oh, I know. Not dying. Nobody who's tried to slay me has made it out of here alive.
The Narrator
What is she talking about? You're the first- the only person to come here.
- Shhhh, no one cares Mr. Murderous voice I'm trying to focus on the princess and convince her to give me stuff.
- "Now... I see how that would convince someone but like... Say I don't kill you, I don't know what the person who wants me to kill you will do if I don't! He could try to kill me himself! I don't know! So you should see why I need a better incentive."
The Narrator
Unfortunately, I don't quite have that power.
Tough. Give me that blade and let me out, or find out what I can do.
The Narrator
Clearly not in the mood to talk.
The Narrator
She's unarmed. End it before it's too late.
- "...Can I not give you the blade? Because it's mine and you might not give it back." [Tighten your grip on the blade]
Again, tough.
The Narrator
What do you think happens if she takes your blade from you? Think really hard about this.
- I said shush Mr. Stab the random woman! If you don't I'll start singing 99 bottles of beer on repeat in my head! I have thought about this!
- "...Why don't we trade for it to make sure you give it back when we get out of here? Do you have anything to trade for it? Because I want to free you and I'm sure you aren't gonna let me near you to help you but I want it back after we get out because it's mine and not yours."
No. I don't.
The Narrator
Just. Stab Her. Already.
I'll give it back.
- Ya know what? Just for trying to pressure me, Imma give it to her.
- "Fine... Better give it back right after though. And make sure not to damage it."
- [Gently slide the blade to her]
The Narrator
Unbelievable, you slide the blade to the Princess.
Thank you. This will just take a second.
The Narrator
You watch as the Princess saws her chained hand off, the blade making quick work of her flesh. She doesn't so much as utter a sound.
- Well... At least I know my blade is sharp! I need to make sure to clean it after we get out of here! Blood can corrode metal.
The Narrator
And then her hand and chain fall to the floor.
And here you go.
The Narrator
The Princess sets the blade down, and kicks it over to you, before heading to the door.
- [Let her go ahead of you and grab the blade, looking it over and wiping the blood off it]
The Narrator
I- okay. Clearly the situation is very close to escalating out of my control. Fine. I'll tell you your reward: Eternal happiness. Drive that blade down her back and you get literal eternal happiness. Deal?
- ...That sounds boring. Like super boring. That's the reward for killing someone, eternal happiness? Really? I thought you said it was good. Not... boring. I'd much rather not have that please and thank you Mr. Murder voice.
- "So! Just learned that my prize was going to be EnTeRnAl hApPiNeSs or some shit. Not something shiny or cool just eternal boredom! I could've killed you for that! Good thing I didn't!"
- [Follow behind the princess, NOT slaying her]
The Narrator
What do you mean eternal happiness isn't enough for you!? You ungrateful bastard!
Sounds made up. Let's go.
The Narrator
Welp. You've forced my hand. You raise your blade, ready to pierce it straight through the Princess's back.
- Ummmm... no. No I don't. In fact, fuck you. I will not kill her, because I don't like you and your- your need to kill people! And how you decided to try and bribe me with eternal boredom instead of trinkets! I would have done it for a cool necklace! But no!
- "Hey Ms. Princess Lady? You should probably dodge!"
What- oh. Of course.
The Narrator
As you strike, the Princess dodges.
Even those who actually want to help me can't help but try and kill me, huh? I'm never getting out of here, am I?
The Narrator
You prepare to strike again. You're going to die here if you don't do this. You realize that, right?
- Shut! Up! Don't care! This is about spiting you now!
- "Sorry! Voice in my head trying to puppet my body like a CREEP! You hear me! I think you're a dumb! murderous! creep!"
- [Use the momentum of the stabbing motion to throw the blade away]
Not the first time I've heard that.
I don't want to have to do this.
The Narrator
The Princess takes the blade from where you infuriatingly tossed it onto the ground.
I'll try to make this quick.
Hopefully I see you again. In another life.
- Oh. She just stabbed me! Rude!
The Narrator
She sure did. Everything goes dark, and you die.
