Chapter Text
It’s been a long, long day at the church.
And by long, it meant a tiresome, draining and absolute exhausting day for Mr Reverend putty. Look at the guy, it’s like he doesn’t have passion to do this shit anymore. But why? Wasn’t this a man of the cloth? Didn’t he love God?
Well, it’s been over 3 weeks since the election occurred in the US, and surely everyone knows who won. This is Moralton we’re talking about, so every citizen should at least be happy with the results. Why should Revs be like this?
“Man fuck that orange fascist” was all he had to say under his breath. He was angered. He felt betrayed in a way. He had his hands into fists.
As the sermon ended, like 5 minutes ago, he finally started to walk out the church door, but was greeted by his truly:
“Orel, I don’t have time for questions. I’m a bit busy here today.” He told the little boy in a nonchalant tone.
“That’s okay Reverend! There’s always next time, right?”
“Right. Now off you go kid.”
Orel waved goodbye and ran to the car, his mom being so impatient she had started to pick at the fresh coat of red nail polish she did this morning, to fulfill her obsession with cleaning. His dad made a deep sigh, and revved the car up to drive home.
Revs also got into his car and drove home. Scratch that. He went to buried pleasures. Upon arrival, he got out the car but in his normal attire. He didn’t care anymore if some other rando in town sees him walk into the store that’s “unholy”. He doesn’t want to care. He opened the door and went inside.
“Oh dad, hey! Need anything?” His daughter Stephanie was of course at the front desk. Revs quickly moved up front.
“Yes. I need you at my house. ASAP.”
“Why’s that?”
“You’ll see.”
“But my-“
“Oh it’s fine just end your shift early now. Besides no one really comes here or do they? No offense though hah.”
“Heh, guess you’re right.”
She checked to make sure everything was good and in place, then locked the doors closed. She met her dad outside getting ready to leave. They had their own cars so they each got into their own and drove to Rev’s house.
Before Revs got out his car, he grabbed something, and another something but he left that behind because it looked too serious. He gestured Stephanie into the house, and to the couch where they both sat.
“Sooooo, whatcha need??”
“Oh Steph, I’m boutta crash out if I DON’T smoke these bushes sooner or later”
That’s where he pulled out some bags of weed he had. No clue where they came from, but it was now in his possession. Stephanie’s eyes lit up at the sight of them.
“You wanted to smoke weed with me?” She asked in glory. Her father who devoted his life to god wanted to smoke kush bushes with her.
“Who wouldn’t want to!! I’ve been waiting to get my hands on these, and I really wouldn’t wanna do it alone so that’s why I needed you. This can be another way of bonding for us, rightttt?” Revs started to laugh which caused Stephanie to laugh too.
“Oh dad!! You’re a good guy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
“Relax Steph, I got everything in line. Now you stay here while I go get..”
He stood up from the couch without finishing his sentence to grab something. He checked everywhere for this item, for it has been awhile since he touched it.
He went inside the garage, hoping it would be there, and it was. He walked back into the house, the garage door leaving a loud closing sound.
“Got it!” He yelled from across the house. “Let’s do it bong style, shall we?”
“Sweet. This’ll be hella fun.” Stephanie said in excitement.
“You betcha.”
He filled the thing with water before he came back so all that was needed to do was put the weed in and fire it. Stephanie grabbed a bag of weed to open and pinched a bit to put in the bowl of the bong. Revs pulled out a lighter from his front pocket.
“So…. Who’s gonna start..” he pointed the lighter back and forth at the both of them.
“You can go. It’s alright.” Stephanie spoke up, leaving him to point the lighter at himself, smirking.
Revs brought the bong to his mouth. He got his lighter and pushed the little red part down to start a flame. He put the flame on the kush, igniting it. Quickly, it was burning, and slowly was gonna fill the room with its smell. Then he inhaled the smoke in. He could feel the relief instantly hit. He let the smoke sit in his mouth for a couple seconds then exhaled it out. A cloud of his smoke spread through their space.
“Lord that was neat.. here ya go.”
He passed the bong to Stephanie, and she did the exact same things he did. Lighting, inhaling, exhaling. Smoking really is fun isn’t it. They went back and forth for a several more times, in like 15 minutes or so. Both had this intense feeling of pleasure and what not. That’s how you know shits good, or bad.
“Ohhh Stephhh how you feel? Beautiful huh?? I thought so.” Revs, with red eyes and a silly looking face, was indeed high. His speech was even slurred!
“Beautiful than ever pops. I’m thinkin’ beautiful things too!”
“Do tell, hahah”
“We do.. another round!”
“MINE” Just in the way that Shapey and Block say it. He quickly grabbed the bong and took another smoke. He inhaled like crazy.
“I got something ever more beautiful Steph, grab me my car keeeys”
“Oh this?”
She reached over for something that wasn’t his car keys.
“Noooo that’s the lighter! Holy hell you’re stoned!”
“Better stoned than never, pops.”
“Here you wait right here while I bring something in here that you’re gonna love in here!”
He stumbled outside to his car, trying to press the unlock button but accidentally pressed the panic button, causing the car to sound it up.
“Fuckkkkkkerroo!! What did I do??? Which one is it again ah shitt.” He kept clicking the buttons repeatedly until it unlocked. He brought out that other special thing he had.
“There you are babygirl, there you are.”
It was an ar-15 that he straight up had in his car. A whole ass gun. He kept getting intimate with it until Stephanie walked outside wondering what was taking so long
“Get in Steph! We’re going on an adventure! Good idea bring the weed stuff too, we’re gonna need that.”
She was a bit confused. What was her dad trying to do being stoned off life, with a gun in his car. Lord knows. She got in the passenger seat without hesitation.
“Do you even think we should be driving? Why not finish these bags at home?” She looked over at her dad. Honestly, he was way more high than her so he was a bit more off the edge.
“Shut up kid we’re gonna have a time of our life! And you know it! Just remind me how to get to the White House.”
The White House?
What could a Reverend who’s currently high off marijuana with a gun in his car possibly need from a location miles and miles away from where they are?
“You think I got that?? Hah nice try there.”
“Ackkkk just turn the radio on.”
From there she tried finding the button that does so, but her eye coordination was not helping at all.
“Think it’s this” And it was actually a radio station that they weren’t looking for.
“Stephanie what the hell is this?? I wanted some jams not some jauntface yapping.”
“Goddamn it I don’t know, gimme another hit and maybe I will”
He brought the bong closer to her, instantly she grabbed it and hit like crazy. She did it a couple times, taking deep breaths like a big bad wolf getting ready to blow another little piggy’s house down. This was some serious dedication.
“Give me that!” Revs snatched the bong away from her. He tried to also take a hit but the weed bowl was running low. “You little shit, was that the last pack I had??!”
Stephanie dug through her front pockets and found one more bag. They really smoked through that Molly like the MAGAs on January 6, 2021 storming through the capitol. As soon as the Reverend saw it, he again snatched it and refilled the bong. He hit he took was rapid, making him start coughing aggressively. His face turned as red as his eyes were, way more red than his daughter since he was obviously more high off life.
About 30 minutes have passed, and the both of them were passed the hell out, with the radio still on blasting some sort of music that was Stephanie’s sort of taste. Revs, with the bong still in his hand, was spread out snoring. Stephanie leaned on her left side, towards the driver seat against the center console. A bit of realization, and she slowly woke up.
“Dude.” She groaned. Her vision was a bit blurry as she awoke but it cooled down. It wasn’t exactly back to normal though. Her eyes still had a bit of intensity, like she could see more clearly but way too clearly. She nudged her dad’s elbow trying to wake him up.
“Donald Trump.. if you can hear this please go to hell… amen.” He mumbled in his deepish sleep. This phrase sort of surprised Stephanie. Judging by the state of the town they live in, she’d thought he’d been all over him. Thinking he was one of God’s holy angels, but not in this case.
“What? I mean that’s right but-“
He immediately woke up cutting her speech off.
“Steph!! Are we at the White House? Please say we arrre!!!” He grabbed her shoulder and started shaking back and forth.
“Are we?? You haven’t drove right?”
Wrong.
The car was not in his drive thru anymore. It was… in the middle of a random field.
“Where the hell are we?? This can’t be the White House!” She whisper yelled at him, also grabbing onto his shoulders but more aggressively.
“Well Stephs, isn’t this the front yard of it? Come on!! We’re here!
“No we’re not, we’re in the middle of fucking nowhere dad.”
“Bu-but it has to be! I tried to drive right? And I knew in my heart that it had to be here!
“You must’ve driven in your SLEEP. Who knows what you could’ve done? I think we should head back ho-“
“Not on my watch.”
Cutting her off again, he grabbed the keys and yanked it back into the little spot it was designated for, starting the engine. He started driving, but not how someone who isn’t under the influence would, clearly.
The bong was in Revs’ lap. It looked like there was a teensy tiny bit of bush in the bowl. Stephanie grabbed it. She didn’t know where the lighter was so she ate the weed raw. She thought it would help calm her down but only added more high to her high.
“Ight Reverend gimme the wheel.” She reached over trying to grab it but was soon pushed back into her seat.
“Now what the hell are YOU doing? This is my car, and my driving. I know exactly where we’re going so dontcha ruin this little shit!”
“Well I know too, just let me try..”
“NO”
He yelled loudly at her. He was hyper focused on trying to arrive at the White House but obviously was failing. He wasn’t even going in the right direction. He was crossing through Arkansas on the route to Mississippi.
But that didn’t stop her, she grabbed the wheel again and tried going in a different direction. Both their hands were on the wheel, attempting to go one way or the other.
“LET GO!!” He angrily shouted again in her face.
“NOT IF YOU WONT” Now she was mad. “YOURE GONNA GET US IN FUCKIN’ JAIL DAD JUST LET ME DRIVE.”
“YOURE STONED JUST LIKE I AM STEPHANIE. LET THE OBVIOUSLY MORE OLDER AND MATURE BEING TAKE THE DAMN WHEEL.
“FUCK I need more weed.. now I might wanna CRASH OUT”
That’s when she had it. She got right on top of her dad, trying to push him towards the other seat so she could have full control of driving.
“That’s when I HAVE HAD IT!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DDDOINGG STEVANYY.”
“What you should’ve been doing all along.”
Reverend putty wanted to go ballistic. He was bound to get in full force just like that monkey dude who sort of destroyed their town thanks to Orel and Doughy unfreezing him. Or, an intrusive thought in his mind wanted him to just grab the gun and pull a Nature part 2 on his own daughter. But doesn’t he care more for her than Orel’s own parents about him? That gave him the clue to just stay silent. Maybe he really was getting old, and that the young should be in control of his wheel. He didn’t wanna be seen as those old people driving in that one South Park episode. For better measures, he didn’t wanna be seen as a Trump or Elon to his daughter. Elon being worse for actually abandoning his daughter for coming out as transgender.
The bong was in his seat so he grabbed it, and just smoked the water. That’s how high and desperate he was.
A couple hours later, Stephanie think she had a spot in mind so she stopped the car.
“We’re here, dad.”
And again he was passed out. One of his legs were on top from above glove box. His shoe somehow came off. He slowly opened his eyes, noticing they were not wherever they were anymore
They were somewhere in
Florida.
“Wh- where the heck are we..” his voice cracked, his eyes still bright red.
“Where you wanted dad.”
“But this isn’t the white hou-“
“Exactly. We’re somewhere better.”
A super stoned Stephanie had brought the both of them to Mar-a-Lago. The luxury place where Mr Trump and his family live at.
“You took us to the Pink House? Ah Steph I shoulda trusted ya. I love you.”
Out of nowhere he leaned into her, giving her a hug. She quickly pushed him away.
“The Pink House? Dude this is DONALD TRUMP’S house. He ain’t even in office yet, so why would he be there? You think he’s giving blow jobs to Biden in the Oval Office? You’re silly.”
She giggles which resulted them bursting into laughter.
“Ah you’re funny. God sure did bless me with an amazing woman, well as my daughter.”
“Could you stop? I’m getting flashbacks to the time we first met. Now let’s go!!”
Stephanie jumped out the car and slammed it shut. She went over to the passenger side and opened her father’s door. “Are you not coming out?” She asked him, still laying comfortably in the passenger seat.
“What exactly did you wanna do driving all the way out here, that has to do with Trump?”
Revs jumped up, fully conscious, and grabbed his ar-15.
“Oh Stephanie, I’ve been waiting just about 3 weeks for you to be the Booth to my Oswald. How’s that sound?” He stumbled towards his daughter reaching an arm around her shoulder. She reciprocated the action, but only because he was failing to stand up straight. The Mary still going intense in his body. “Don’t include little Crooks though, he let us down that’s for sure.” He said again.
“I know I know. So are you just gonna bring that thing bare and open? What if we get caught?”
“Get caught? Girl are you crazy? There’s just no way we’d get caught with God on our side! He sent me on this mission y’know? He said ‘love thy neighbor, but not th one who hurts ye and yer daughter’ such inspiring and beautiful words right? Straight from the lord himself.”
“Yeah. He totally said that and I sure do stand by it. Let’s go now.” She said with a bit of sarcasm in her tone.
And off they went, to the Mar-a-Lago club, or the ‘Pink House’ whatever they wanna call it.
“Steph! Hold on! What if trump ISN’T here and is actually doing the nitty gritty to Biden in the oval off-“
She immediately put her hand over his mouth.
“You really believed that? You’re even sillier. Shut it!”
They continued to find their way towards Mar-a-Lago. They walked on Ocean blvd, to right around the parking lot. The thing though is they couldn’t just walk in. There was a gate to enter.
“Are you fucking kidding me? How will we get in?”
“I know. Get on me.”
Revs, with the firearm still in his possession, gestured Stephanie onto his back, a piggy back ride. He handed the gun to her and squat down, so she could get on. She tried keeping the big thing hidden, but it only caused groans from the man. The parts of the gun feeling like needles to his back.
They managed to move through, trying to cross one of the gates. They moved towards the basketball courts, nobody was visible so this seemed like a clear move to make.
“Hold on tight!” He said, now trying to climb onto the brick wall. Now, his fingers felt like needles were being shot into him. The bones in his hand became more prominent as he tried climbing up, while a grown woman was holding onto his back. For a couple minutes, they managed to get to the top.
“Phew, that was a lot of work. So much work”
Yeah, but I think I can now handle it from here.”
And that’s when Stephanie jumped off from his back, onto the ground. To her, it felt like she was flying. Hell, this whole experience on his back did. “Hey! Why not help your old man down?” He shouted down to her.
“You can do this dude. It’s just a jump! Do you feel like you wanna fly? It’s pretty cool and uh trippy”
“Ugh fine.” He prepared himself to jump down, but he just couldn’t. “Please help!!”
“Oh my lord.” She put the gun down and opened her hands out, signaling him to jump into her arms.
“Much better.” He finally jumped, as she intended.
“Holy shit you’re a bit heavy.”
“Ah come on you’re a strong girl aren’t you? Don’t complain now.” He teased her. Revs got back onto his feet, still stumbling a bit but managed his balance more better than before. He was in awe of how amazing it looked here. “Woah… where are we? This place is soo cool right?”
“It’s a basketball court. Or are you feeling the trip come in?”
“Guess so! Wonder how it looks inside..”
“Yeah me too, but we gotta move!”
Stephanie pulled his arm, speeding to the other side of the basketball court. On the other side, was a whole entire golf course, off the edge of some river or something. It looked like there were also some people playing golf. The two then saw and quickly ducked down.
Revs spoke up.
“Is that Trump is that Trump?? Don’t let him see us PLEASE don’t let him see us!” His speech was rather quick, showing a bit of anxiety. He grabbed onto Stephanie’s shoulders again. The figure very much looked like Trump.
“No silly it’s George Bush. Now who’s gonna shoot?” She pointed the gun back and forth, just like he did with the lighter way earlier when they were in their pure smoking state.
“I want to I want to!!” He shouted like a little kid eagerly wanting to do something.
“Nah. Don’t trust you. This time I’m doing it.”
“But this was my idea!! I take all the credit.”
“Oh so you’re just gonna leave me out like that? All this teamwork for nothing huh.” Again being sarcastic, she let out another little giggle.
“This isn’t funny Stephanie this is some real shit here that’ll decide how we live for the next 4 ever longing years! You want this broken old degenerate who idolizes Hitler himself, or that other gal? I forgot her name.”
“You mean our vice president Kamala? I’d much rather have her, so lemme take the shot.”
“No me!!”
And just like that they fought over the gun, exactly how they did over the steering wheel. The gun was pointed over at the golf course. Stephanie kept her hand on the trigger, struggling to aim at the fat old man obsessed with orange bronzer, and Revs tried doing the same
Boom.
A finger did end up pulling the trigger, shooting a bullet or two.
They dropped the gun immediately.
Much to their surprise, the bullets did end up hitting Trump. Not grazing his ear, but actually hitting him in the head! His brains were quickly blown out. Blood spattered everywhere, onto the family members playing with him and the ground.
The two looked each other in the eye, in pure shock.
“We did it.” They said in unison. They couldn’t help but smile hardly
The Reverend and his lesbian punk daughter shot the 45th and impending 47th POTUS to death while of course being high. They had to quickly move though, in case they get caught. Hopefully not as Revs promised ‘God wouldn’t let them’.
Meanwhile at the golf course, Trump’s family members were extremely shocked. They didn’t think that an assassination attempt would actually be successful as the past couple ones failed. “No!!! This can’t be noooo!!!!” Some cried out. Others didn’t though. The others were Melania and Barron. “God fucking finally now I don’t have to do Christmas decorations anymore.” She said in relief. “Now I can finally say that my father was a piece of shit! Now I can open my voice to the world!” Barron said rather excitedly. The others looked at them like they were genuinely crazy.
“You guys should all be happy! We’re finally free from this nightmare. I’m so happy that I’ll admit I voted for Harris! She might just win!” Melania kept clapping. She soon stopped, and so did everyone else with whatever they were doing, when a strange looking figure started approaching them. He had a strange appearance, his abdomen popped out just like a pregnant lady, but it was more up his chest. His shirt said ‘occupy mars’ and he wore a black MAGA cap which he claimed was ‘gothic’.
The man was indeed, Elon Musk.
His facial expression was unreadable. It’s like he wanted to either cry or throw an angry temper tantrum. But he looked serious. He crossed his arms, then his face started getting darker from the caps color.
Revs took another look and he saw Musk.
“Shit Steph, we gotta get outta here QUICKLY. Don’t bring the gun though, I stole it from dirty faggot Puppington anyway. That demon doesn’t deserve anything at all.”
“Hmmmm, alright.”
They quickly crawled away from their spot, trying to find a way out without getting caught.
But
“Not so fast.”
That didn’t quite work.
The two started shaking and sweating, anxiety higher than ever. They slowly turned around and saw someone behind them.
Elon Musk himself.
“Shit uhh hey there Mr Musk! I sure am a big fan of your Tesla products hah am I right? Such amazing cars huh? Don’t worry we saw what happened but we only wanted to play golf with the gang! It would be fun ri-“
“I KNOW it was you.”
Yep. They were dead.
“Wh, whaddya mean? It wasn’t I swear. Gods watchin’ y’know? I could never lie! It just had to be uh.. uhh Deadpool!! It was definitely him I swear I saw him in his red suit shooting that-
Elon grabbed Revs by the throat, strangling him, not being able to talk.
“I KNOW IT WAS YOU. YOU KNOW WHY?? ITS BECAUSE OF MY AMAZING INVENTION STARLINK.
Revs was confused. What was a Starlink? Wasn’t that the thing Elon also used to check the election results early, and possibly interfering with them? Stephanie heart was beating rapidly. She was holding back burning tears, and sweating extra.
“THATS RIGHT. I HAVE AN APP THAT SHOWED ME WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED. IT SHOWED ME AN OLD HAG AND SOME LITTLE SATAN WORSHIPPER APPROACHING THE COMPLEX. IT ALSO SHOWED A GUN. AND IT SHOWED IT BEING SHOT. I KNOW IT WAS THE BOTH OF YOU. YOU COULD NEVER ESCAPE MY INTELLIGENCE.” Musk in his pouty tone continued to shout at the poor Reverend.
Still grabbing him by the throat, he went over to pick up the ar-15. He then aimed it at Revs’ head. “SO, ANY LAST WORDS??”
Revs tried to speak up, but kept failing. “ALRIGHT THAT MEANS I WILL-“
“STOP. Tell my daughter that.. I loved her. And tell her that I only did this to make sure her future still stays bright. We come from a conservative area, but I learned that my family matters more than the majority of our town. I’m only doing what’s right here, Mr Musk.”
Stephanie wanted to cry hearing her father’s words. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. She couldn’t tell though if he truly meant it or if he saying it cause of the weed, but she still took it to heart.
Elon looked at him deep in the eye. He made it look like he felt sympathy, with an innocent look.
“That’s cute.” Said Elon. Right after that he pulled the trigger, immediately blowing out the Reverend’s brains. His lifeless body fell to the ground, blood started pouring out. His glasses and toupee fell off. Stephanie quickly grabbed them from off the floor. She looked at her blurry, watery reflection in the glasses. God, she wanted to sob even more, but couldn’t in front of big baby Musk. She maintained her appearance, picking up his body, and walked away.
She managed to get away, back home.
A week has passed.
The townspeople didn’t know how to exactly feel.
That the most important person they knew who would deliver such ‘lovely sermons’ died.
But died from killing the president-elect. Someone that might’ve sounded like a second god to them.
Either way, it was still a day of mourning. A day of lament. Almost about everyone attended the funeral. No one though, was more sad than Stephanie and Orel. They both viewed him as amazing, charismatic, and what else not.
Though nothing, will ever be the same as it was before, with him being alive.
But he wasn’t that old, right?
Well, everyone has their days, and their causes.
That’s just life, folks.