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Dread and despair is all Buck can feel as of late. Wonder why? Well let's recap before we get to his breaking point. First he had to deal with the god awful new captain, Gerard. Sure he seemed cool and experienced but he was an ehem..asshole. And yeah maybe he didn’t get it as bad as the others but still Gerard was awful and to stack on top of that Buck had to deal with the mystery of Billy Boils, I mean he totally believed he got cursed by him. (Probably but who knows?) Anyways, after he recovered from those horrific tragedies, life decided to throw another curveball his way. Which resulted with Tommy breaking his heart and Tommy not actually realizing he was until Buck pointed it out, like ouch dude.
But now sitting on Eddie’s couch who he considers to be his best friend, he had to find out that now Eddie wants to move to El Paso for his son, Christopher-which I mean he gets that Christopher is important to him and Buck will do anything to support his “best friend”. But still he can’t help but feel like he’s being left behind. Just like his parents did all those years ago, leaving a kid who just wanted love to fend for himself and get attention with reckless behavior. Then there’s Maddie, the one person who he thought would stick by his side, the one person he trusted, the one person he wanted to be with, left him all those years ago with the keys to a car that had no worth, similar to himself and a note wishing him good luck. Yeah, Buck hasn’t had the best of luck keeping people around him, But why bother begging them to stay around if they can’t see the worth he has? Why bother keeping them here with him when they’ll just be unhappy? People who don’t fight for you aren’t worth your time..right?
“Buck! You okay, buddy?” Eddie’s voice broke through Buck’s train of thought causing him to turn his head towards the kitchen, where Eddie has two beers, one in each hand. Along with a piece of bread hanging out of his mouth, that ironically Buck made because of his breakup with Tommy (we never liked him). Buck blinks a few times before he gives Eddie a weak smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He fidgets with the tablet in his hands before he responds to Eddie’s question in a soft voice.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking about how to find a house that fits your bizarre expectations, like seriously Eddie, you need help with your taste in houses.” Eddie rolls his eyes at Buck’s jab towards his taste in homes and furniture, and grumbles, “Not my fault you're weird, Buck.”
Eddie walks towards the couch and sets the beers down on the table. Then grabs the slice of bread in his mouth and sets it down on the table. He sits down next to Buck, his knee brushing against his. Which causes Buck to freeze, his heart clenching in his chest and his mind swirling with different ideas. Eddie, not noticing Buck’s inner turmoil, leans back against the couch and gets comfortable. When he glances over at his friend, he sees that Buck looks like a frozen statue and raises an eyebrow.
“Hey, Buck. you okay? You seem..out of it.” His voice was gentle, like an anchor among the crashing waves in the sea that was Buck’s mind. When Buck turns towards Eddie, his throat clogged up as the realization that Eddie is leaving him alone suddenly comes to his mind. Eddie is leaving him alone. He shakes his head to dismiss the thoughts, and gives a weak smile followed by a curt nod before he looks back towards the tablet in his hands, houses among houses lined out to look at and possibly choose for the one person he doesn’t want to leave. Eddie, seeing the body language and look on Buck’s face furrows his eyebrows in concern and frowns, though he just decides to brush his concerns aside and focus back on the main task.
“Okay, if you're so sure. I have a meeting with the real estate agent, so I’ll be in the other room, but you can pick out some options and I’ll look at them later, okay?” Buck just gives another absent minded nod, And Eddie decides not to push it further, he pats Buck’s shoulder and gets up from the couch, grabbing the bread and eating it as he walks down the hall for privacy.
Leaving Buck alone with his racing thoughts. Of course the universe hates him, the one person he wanted to be with, the one person who he thought would never leave, is leaving him alone. Among everyone, Eddie sticks out like a sore thumb in Buck’s head. The genuine joy they have together, The banter that usually is reserved for couples flows freely among them. The shared foods, the shared free time and the comfort they give each other is something Buck never thought he would have with someone else. But he has it with Eddie, and Buck would do anything to keep it. Sure, he just got broken up with and yeah maybe he thought Tommy was his person, his soulmate, his other half. But..he never felt that spark.
That spark that lights up the colors around you, that spark that flutters in your heart, that spark that makes you want to be with that person, he never felt it with Tommy. But with Eddie? He sure has. Maybe..maybe this is his sign, that Eddie is that person as Athena is for Bobby or Hen for Karen.
“Holy shit..I’m in love with Eddie.” Buck’s voice is barely above a whisper as he confesses his thoughts, just saying those words out loud makes his heart race, his lungs stop and his palms sweaty. Buck’s gaze slowly travels over to the photos that decorate his supposedly platonic friend walls, he’s almost afraid to really look at them afraid that those would confirm his newfound confession. Photos line the walls of them spending time together, some alone and some with Christopher. A small smile makes its way onto his face as he recalls the old days. He can’t help it, he loved Christopher, which to be fair he loves all kids, but Jee and Chris hold a special place in his heart. His eyes then flicker over towards Eddie in the photo.
His lungs contract and his heart clenches painfully as the realization that he loves his best friend-who is probably not gay-claws up into his mind, looming over him like a black cloud, Buck grabs a beer and takes a swig of it. He puts it down a bit too harshly and runs a hand over his face. He then shakes his head to clear his head and looks back down towards the houses. He can’t do it, can he? He can’t bring himself to pick a home that Eddie will live in, far away from him. He needs Eddie, especially now. Even though Tommy’s sudden change of heart and abrupt breakup he can’t help but feel a tug on his heart at the thought of Eddie leaving without knowing his true feelings. He can’t let what happened between him and Abby happen between him and Eddie.
If he doesn’t confess to Eddie, he’ll live his life with the regret of letting Eddie leave without him knowing, leaving Buck to drown out in his own selfish desires and with the dream and hope of what could have been a possible relationship. Those who don’t speak will be weighed down with their decision to remain quiet. Buck can’t let that happen, not again. But how would he bring it up? How would he even confess if Eddie isn’t gay or Bi like he is? Well..maybe he is, but who knows? (That priest sure does.) Anyways all Buck knows is that he needs to confess no matter the pain it might bring or if it’s the end of his and Eddie’s friendship.
Buck sighs softly and glances back to the tablet and starts to scroll through the houses, his mind preoccupied with ideas that swamp his focus. He vaguely hears Eddie on the other end of the hallway talking with his real estate agent and he tries to ignore the pang in his chest he feels as thoughts of a world without Eddie embed themselves into his mind. He shakes his head and goes back to scrolling through houses to at least seem like he cares, which he does but for the wrong reasons.
After what seemed like an eternity, Eddie comes out of the hallway, his phone in hand and his mind distracted. Buck takes the opportunity to set the tablet off to the side and focus his mind back to Eddie. He leans back against the couch and stretches an arm over the back of it while the other rests on his lap, seemingly trying to act like he isn’t freaking out on the inside.
“So what did the agent say?” Eddie perks up at the sound of Buck’s voice and smiles softly before he looks back towards his phone, gesturing his hand in the air as he speaks, “He said I’ll be able to move by next week but I need to go see the houses in El Paso, so.” Buck’s heart nearly stops at that, Next week? So soon will the chance to confess come and leave just as quickly? He doesn’t have the guts for this, he can’t confess. At least not yet, anyways.
Buck just nods at his words, not really listening to Eddie as he explains his plans to tell Christopher and move his stuff. Every word that comes out of Eddie’s mouth is a dagger to his heart, a twist to his guts and a breath stolen away from his lungs. He abruptly stands up from the couch, catching Eddie off guard and causing him to pause mid sentence. Eddie, sensing the waves of distress coming off of Buck, pockets his phone and walks closer to the man he considers his person. (Grey’s anatomy reference y'all.)
“You okay, Evan? After you saw the houses you just started acting weird, does this have to do anything with me..leaving?” Buck glances back at Eddie, the use of his real name, the name that only Eddie can make seem worthy and special cause words he so desperately wants to say die at the tip of his tongue. Like an overpowering wave of fear, not the fear of Eddie leaving anymore but of him confessing his desires and Eddie knowing and still choosing to leave him.
What's worse? Knowing something could have been and still deciding to bury it deep within your soul, cast it away like it means nothing? Or not knowing something and going with your day, without that opportunity to create something, to make something new? Well, Buck can’t decide that, at least not now. So he just decides to bury that feeling deep within his heart for later, nothing will go wrong, right?
“No, No. I’m fine, just..the break up is harder than I thought.” Eddie’s face seems to relax, the creases smooth into a now sympathetic expression. He steps closer and places a hand on Buck’s shoulder. His voice is like a gentle whisper that carries between the soft breeze, like the words written on a page at the hand of a quiet poet. “Oh, Evan. I’m sorry man, you came here and I just made it about myself, If you need anything, I’m here.” Buck wants to say that he only needs his presence, his strong arms wrapped around him like a secured blanket that provides him with the comfort he so desperately wants to feel. A flower needs the sun's golden light to bloom and spread its petals freely without judgement, but if a flower grows in the shadow of a dead one, that will never be forgotten. It doesn’t get the same opportunity or freedom it needs to grow and change. That basically describes Buck’s life in a nutshell.
Ever since he found out his parents just had him for spare parts-which were defective-his world just seemed to have flipped. Yeah sure, he had Maddie which after a few tense months he finally got to a place of understanding and love he so desperately yearned for. But he still felt like a cactus in a field of flowers, the one that stuck out. His recklessness and impulsive decisions -which can probably correlate with his undiagnosed ADHD-sometimes causes more problems than good outcomes. But despite all those problems, Eddie stayed. He cared, he even gave Buck custody of Chris if something were to happen to him.
And sure, Tommy was great and so are the others, But Tommy was just really a test of something to prove what he already knew, and along with his mixed feelings, it didn’t really fit. As for the others, they all sometimes get tired of his behavior and personality. But Eddie doesn’t and maybe this is the thing Buck needed for him to realize his feelings before it got too late.
“Earth to Evan!” Buck snaps out of his thoughts as he hears Eddie call for him, for what was probably the hundredth time. He glances over to see Eddie’s worried expression and he tries his best to give a reassuring smile. “Sorry, lost in thought. But uhm..about El Paso, I can drop you off at the airport, if you need me too.” Eddie’s eyes widen a little before he looks away, he pursues his lips before a small chuckle escapes him and he nods. “Yeah, sure. I’ll tell the real estate agent that we can go this weekend since we both have the weekend off.” Buck just nods as he takes out his phone to check the time, seeing that it's only about six in the afternoon he decides he would rather pity himself back at his apartment then be near the reason he might just break down again.
“Yeah. That sounds fine. I’ll pick you up Saturday at ten in the morning. But I uhm..should get going now, you know? I have a thing and uhm..yeah.” Eddie’s face falls slightly at his excuse but he hides it with a small laugh and smile. “Yep..uhm yeah, I’ll see you then, Evan.” Buck’s name rolls off his tongue like the stroke of a painter's brush. Buck nods at him before he awkwardly pats his shoulder, and saves himself from further embarrassment by turning around and leaving, missing the way Eddie’s face falls again at the lack of contact. Buck’s heart may yearn for more physical contact and love, but his mind rationalizes that if he pushes his boundaries he might never come back from his now real crush on Eddie. Buck shuts the door behind him and walks down the steps towards his car, his heart beating out of his chest not from fear or excitement but lack of knowledge of how his lost boy crush on Eddie now seemed to reappear and be the forefront of his reluctance to let Eddie leave for El Paso for Christopher. His heart wants to reach out and beg Eddie to stay, to not leave him like all those before him. But the rational part in his brain knows that’s a stupid idea.
Buck decides not to dwell on the issue, (He will.) and heads to his car, getting in the driver’s seat and plugging the key in and turning it to start the car. He drives off, his mind still preoccupied with his new revelation. Does he really like Eddie, Or is it just his mind playing tricks on him because Eddie might leave him? The mind can play tricks and distort anything, especially with someone as overthinking as Buck. He shakes his head to disrupt the thoughts and focuses back on the road, looking around he sees lines of emerald green trees lining the sides of the road along with cars, pedestrians and other things.
After driving for about twenty minutes he arrives at his apartment. He parks his car up front and gets out, locking it behind him he enters the apartment complex and starts to go upstairs towards his loft. When he reaches his apartment door he takes out his keys and enters them, opening his door and stepping inside. He closes the door behind him with a soft click. Buck looks around his loft for a moment, contemplating on what he should do. The breakup still weighs heavy on his mind and heart, but the newfound crush on Eddie weighs heavier.
Buck being the person he is, decides to just make dinner and then head to his couch and relax, yeah. A movie could do him good, with a plan in mind Buck heads into his kitchen and starts to grab the ingredients and equipment to make some Mac-and-cheese along with some homemade banana bread. (This breakup for sure made him a master baker.) he whistles to himself as he starts to cook, bringing out two bowls and a pot to boil the pasta.
Forty minutes later and Buck has a plate of Mac-and-cheese along with some banana bread, freshly cooked. He goes over to his couch and sits down, finally getting a chance to relax. He sets the bowl of Mac-and-cheese down along with the slice of bread that’s on a separate plate on the small coffee table Eddie insisted he get with the couch. He leans back against the couch, and grabs the remote control to play some background noise while he tries to eat and not focus on what his mind really wants. (Not gonna work.)
As Buck starts to eat his Mac-and-cheese he can’t help but feel betrayed again, Eddie without even consulting anyone just decides to leave? He gets that Christopher is important but Chris decided to leave, he wanted space and a new life. Did Eddie even talk with him about him moving there? Those thoughts cause Buck’s mind to swim, choosing not to give himself a headache just thinking about it he finishes his Mac-and-cheese and banana bread slice and leans back against the couch to watch some reality T.V.
Before he can get comfortable though, he hears a knock on the door. Buck lets out a deep sigh and mutters to himself, “Great.” He stands up from the couch and heads towards the door, swinging the door open he’s met with Maddie, Chimney and his favorite person in the whole world, Jee. A smile instantly spreads across his face, causing Maddie and Chimney to laugh. “Thought you could use the company, you know after everything.” Maddie gives him a once over before she and Chimney walk inside, setting down Jee’s stuff along with some home made food. Meanwhile Buck picks up Jee and places her on his hip, holding her with one arm.
“Jee is always welcomed here, Maddie. Isn’t that right, Jee?” Buck boops Jee’s nose causing her to giggle and for Chimney and Maddie to laugh lightly. “Uncle Buck! I want more cookies.” Jee wiggles in his grip, a small chuckle escapes Buck and he nods, turning towards Maddie and Chimney he raises an eyebrow “Guess I’m baking again, how long is she staying here?”
Maddie and Chimney look at each other before Chimney waves his hand in the air and answers Buck, “We have date night with Hen and Karen, and they want to discuss some stuff. So we’ll be gone for a good five hours or so.” Buck nods as he glances towards the bag they brought for Jee. “Alright, that sounds good. You ready to be my little helper, Jee?” Buck turns his head towards Jee, his smile widens as he watches her eyes light up with enthusiasm. She nods her head furiously and wiggles in his grip to be set down. Buck laughs at her antics and sets her down on the counter. Maddie glances at her brother, her heart swelling with affection and pride. Between all the kids the team has, she knows her brother holds a special place for Jee and Chris and-ehem-Eddie. But she just hopes that he will realize that all by himself. (Trust me he did, Girly, Finally.)
She glances over at Chimney and smiles, “Okay, well seems like you're all set. We’re gonna get going, call us if you need anything.” Chimney smiles back at her and she nods, she turns towards Buck and nods at him also. Buck smiles at her,
“I got you. Have fun, and we’ll save you some of our amazing cookies.” Maddie laughs and rolls her eyes, she leans forward and hugs her brother, who basically dwarfs her. Chimney just gives Buck a pat on the shoulder before he and Maddie leave the apartment, leaving Buck and Jee alone. Time for chaos to reign.
Buck turns towards Jee, who has taken to eating the Banana bread he left on the counter. He laughs at her antics as he walks towards the counter to check the bag that Maddie and Chimney left for Jee. he sees some snacks, toys, and other stuff Jee likes. He smiles to himself and then glances towards Jee, who has a bright smile on her face with banana bread crumbs all over her mouth. He rolls his eyes and brings his hand up to cup her face and with a gentle touch he wipes the crumbs away with his thumb.
“Are you excited to hang out with your uncle Buck?” his smile softens as he sees her eyes light up with excitement. Jee nods her head furiously and glances back towards his kitchen, her legs swinging back and forth on the counter. “Are we gonna make cookies?” Buck glances back towards his kitchen and looks around, satisfied with the ingredients he sees he turns back to Jee and nods.
“We can make cookies, if that’s what you want to eat.” Jee nods her head and shifts on the counter so she can sit properly on it. Buck, though he would prefer for her to not be on his counter, can’t say no to her adorableness and just decides to grab his apron and get to baking. As he ties it his mind keeps going back to Eddie, Even though he wants to forget he can’t.
Jee’s gleeful giggles snaps him back to reality and he smiles at her. Yeah as long as he has the 118 and his family, he’ll be alright. Even if Eddie decides to leave him alone, he’ll be alright, he has to.