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“Do you want to learn Serbian or not?”
“Ugh… Fine. But only because I’m extra confident I’m not getting a single thing wrong. If anything, I’m going to be correcting you by the end of your little quiz.”
“It’s not a little quiz, Mister Know-It-All, it’s a carefully devised content plan to help you learn to speak properly, since, you know, you can’t bear not being able to do everything perfectly. I’m not gonna let my favorite guitarist combust because he accidentally said something in Slovene once.”
“First of all — not combusting. Second of all, I only said it was mildly embarrassing. And third of all, I said fine, alright? Every mistake, one piece of clothing is off. But I will warn you, there isn’t much clothing to go around, you know. It’s 35 degrees outside.”
“Good, that should keep you extra motivated. Not that you need it, because you won’t get a “single thing wrong”, will you? Speaking of, how would you say that in Serbian, hmm?”
“Neću pogrešiti niti jednu jedinu stvar. Good enough for you, professor Bojan?”
“Umm… Yeah. Yeah, perfect, actually. Perfect.”
“Oh, someone likes being the professor, don’t they?”
“Shut up and stop trying to pass the test by seducing your professor. Besides, I’m not that easy.”
“Too bad we won’t be able to find that out since I-”
“Won’t get anything wrong, sure sure, yeah. Well, I have seven questions and you have four pieces of clothes, so that should give you enough leeway to not embarrass yourself.”
“Embarrass myself? Trust me, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’d tell you “you’ll see” but, well… Too bad for you, I’m a quick learner.”
“Okay then, drop the small talk. Tell me what the weather is like outside.”
“Really? Are you bl- oh you mean in Serbian, right?”
“Jesus Christ, good thing this isn’t an IQ test. Yes I mean in Serbian.”
“Vreme je toplo. Pretoplo. Ali pravo za leto.”
“One down, six more to go. You’re doing well!”
“I know I am, professor. Anything harder you’ve got?”
“Not yet, but if you start dropping clothes…”
“Hey, hey, focus, we’re teaching me a language, aren’t we?”
“Testing you on a language you claim to already know… But we’ll see. You wanted harder? Tell me everything you did since waking up.”
“Ustao sam oko e… jedanaest. Spremio sam si doručak i šel sem-”
“EEK. That’s one point lost! And if I’m not mistaken, that means a piece of your clothing is about to be lost, too.”
“Fuck! I knew that one! Išao sam. Damn it, force of habit. But, rules are rules. Here’s my shirt off, professor.”
“Fuck you, I’m still not letting you win just because you keep calling me professor.”
“Eh, not that I need you to. Shoot!”
“Okay, tell me what I look like right now.”
“Izgledaš kao da nisi spavao tri dana… ali ne izgledaš loše. Nikad ne izgledaš loše, zapravo.”
“I have indeed slept like shit so nicely done there! Also, ouch and aww. Praise is still not gonna get you anywhere, Krisko. Anyway… What does your guitar look like?”
“Crvena je…”
“Roze.”
“Will you let me finish, it’s not a seeing test, either! Crvena je, jaguar, sve što sam ikada želeo od kitare.”
“Gitare. That’s strike number two, let’s go!”
“Fuck. Again I knew that!”
“Then maybe you should think longer before you answer. I’m not timing you, you know. No one is making you lose all these clothes. Which isn’t exactly a downside, don’t get me wrong, but you are good so it’s a bit of a shame that you keep messing it up.”
“Yeah yeah, I work better with pressure than praise, by the way. Professor. You should know these things if you’re gonna help me learn.”
“Oh, well in that case, you suck. Get undressed, bitch.”
“Woah woah, just for that “bitch” part I’m only taking my socks off. There, hope you’re enjoying your little game now.”
“Well, we have three questions and two items of clothes left, so I’m definitely about to be enjoying it.”
“Perv.”
“A professor who knows his student likes working under pressure.”
“Fair. What’s next?”
“What do you think of me?”
“Well this is turning into quite a Bojan-party now, isn’t it? You’re just using me to get your daily dose of praise, huh?”
“Me? Never! Besides, how could I know you were going to praise me?”
“Jer si mi najbolji prijatelj, zašto da te ne… Ne… Kako da ne govorim lepe stvari o tebi?”
“Nice save. The word is hvaliti, by the way.”
“Thanks, but it does not count as a strike.”
“Fine. Carry on then.”
“U svakom slučaju… Pun si ljubavi i smeha i kada vidim da ti je loše želim da udarim nekoga. Is that good enough? The question was a bit vague.”
“No, that’s… That’s just fine. Ahem. But wait, you do? Want to punch someone when you see me sad?”
“Of course I do. You’re my best friend, didn’t I say it just before? You speak Serbian, don’t you?”
“Shut up. I was just imagining you trying to punch anyone and chances are you’d miss by a whole inch. Or break your hand. But still, the fact that you’d be willing to do it… It melts my heart, you know.”
“I knew it would. You’re like that.”
“Like what?”
“Full of love. And adoration. And it makes being on the other side of it like you’re just another one in the line. You have enough love for everyone, you know. Pa kada mi kažeš nešto lepo, umesto da se ja osećam lepo često se osećam nevreden kad čujem da to govoriš svima.”
“Wait, you really… Why are you taking your pants off? Not that I’m complaining, just-”
“Bezvredan. That’s the correct word. We’re still doing this, don’t let my suffering deter you. That’s not very professional of you, you know.”
“No, yeah, you’re right, umm… Yep, good catch. But, just… Look. I know I’m warm with people. All people. Well, most people, not even I can like everyone, I’m not Jesus.”
“You’re not. Jesus was a lot taller and more handsome.”
“Wow, fuck you! And also that’s the only difference you can see between us? You do put me on a pedestal, don’t you?”
“A little bit, I think. And it’s not good for me, as you can tell.”
“No, and you shouldn’t. God only knows I’m far from perfect. But back to my original point — if I’m warm and kind to everyone it doesn’t mean I love them… you - all equally. And I get that it may make me look like an emotional whore-”
“Good comparison, I like it.”
“Knew you would. BUT — do you ever notice anything different? Like, if I tell a girl on the street she looks pretty and then I tell you the same thing?”
“The difference being… you only want to take one of us to bed when you say it?”
“That’s actually entirely wrong. I mean, not entirely, I don’t generally want to take people I just met to bed, so… I guess only one of you, yeah. But it’s not what I meant — don’t you notice the way I look at you? And then anyone else?”
“I uhh… I don’t. I haven’t. What do you look at me like… when you tell me these things?”
“I mean, I can just tell you right now and you can see for yourself. Kris, you are the most fascinating person I have ever met. You are pretty and tall and sexy and an absolute buffoon on top of all that. You’re so talented and so dedicated to everything you do, and you’re a fucking chemist who’s somehow a musician, too, and you’ve managed to learn this language near perfectly in a couple of years when I only speak it because it’s my native language, and… Holy hell, how could you ever think the way I praise others holds the same weight like when I’m doing it with you? Do you not see well from up there or…?”
“Give me the final question.”
“Okay… Weird segway, but if you’re done talking about this then… Tell me your favorite memory from childhood.”
“Kada sam bio pred kraj škole, došao je jedan bend svirati kod nas. Zvučali su jako dobro samo su imali previše distorzije. Pogledao sam pevača, pogledao je i on mene i… Od tada sam uvek bio u prvom redu na svakoj njihovoj svirci. Nije samo jedan spomin, ali su mi svi jednako lepi. Ne mogu se odlučiti.”
“Am I an asshole now if I tell you you made one mistake?”
“Not at all. You’re supposed to teach me, aren’t you?”
“I am, I just… It means…”
“I know what it means.”
—
“Good morning, professor.”
“Good morning, beautiful.”
“Okay, now I see that look you were talking about.”
“I’m glad you do.”
“Hey, that last mistake I made?”
“Oh, that embarrassing thing? Don’t worry about it, you’ll learn.”
“Well, that’s the thing. I knew the word was uspomena.”