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“Do you ever think of killing yourself?” Rodion asked, closing her eyes. The wind blew through her hair, the sunset over the dock they sat on lighting her side profile almost perfectly. Despite the beautiful scene, the grim words coming from his… his Rodion made the sunset worse. Gregor slowly turned his head to look over to his… girlfriend? He wasn't sure what they were.
But that was besides the point.
“Sorry… can you repeat that?” Gregor asked, looking back at the sunset.
“Do you ever think about killing yourself?”
“You can’t ask me that. That’s concerning to say. I mean–”
“Just answer me Greg.” Rodion ran a hand through her hair, licking her lips as her hands shook. “Do you ever feel like killing yourself, like, right now?”
“I…” Gregor sighed, whispering quietly, “You don’t really fight in a war and not want to kill yourself at least once.”
“That's true, I suppose.” Gregor leaned in closer to Rodya. He moved to intertwine his hand with hers, only to pause. Bug arm.
The conversation stilled, a heavy layer of awkwardness filled the air. Gregor crossed his legs uncomfortably.
“Why? Why are you asking me this now? Do you want to-” Gregor was cut off swiftly.
“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.” Rodion admitted with a small smile.
“...Rodion…” Gregor let her name slip from his lips, a warmth in his tone usually kept only for her.
“Babe, let me finish. I don’t know if I want to kill myself and it scares me. I spent the last 35 years of my life wishing I was dead instead of my neighbors- I wanted to be special because special people die heroically.” Rodion laughed, “How stupid I was.”
“And now you don’t know if you want to die...”
“Yeah.”
Gregor felt his heart twist, thinking about finding Rodion dead, a bullet through her head, lying on Mephistopheles’ floor. He thought about finding her corpse like that filled him with a dread that made him nauseous.
“I spent every day of my life since I’ve been conscious thinking about killing myself too. Maybe not with my gun to my head, but someone else’s gun. Once I got this though-” Gregor pointed to his bug arm, lifting it weekly. “Well. I… fuck. I tried–”
“Greg? Babe?” Rodion put a hand on Gregor's far shoulder, pulling him into a side hug. Her heavy weight on Gregor's body made him smile a bit, a reminder of who he had now.
“I tried cutting it off myself. Didn’t work, grew back, obviously. But I tried.”
“Greg-”
“It’s fine. I’m fine now.”
Rodion laughed, “You’re lying to me. You don’t just hurt yourself like that and expect me to believe you’re fine. ”
“I am better.”
She hummed in response, lowering her head with a slight shake of her head.
“You never answered my question though.”
“What didn’t I answer?”
“I asked you. Do you ever feel like killing yourself? Like, right now?” Rodion wrapped her hand around Gregor's bug hand. “Do you want to kill yourself, I want to know. I need to know.”
“I.. don’t think so. I still think about running far away from everyone and killi–” Gregor paused, unable to say what he wanted to. “I don’t know.” Gregor decided on saying, "I don't know what I want to do, Rodion, because I think about the rest of you finding me dead and I can’t get myself to do it!” Gregor's bug hand shook as Rodion held onto it, massaging small circles into it with her thumb. Despite the outburst at the end, her voice was gentle as she spoke.
“That’s the issue I’m having too.” She whispered, laughing quietly. “I don’t want to kill myself and I’m afraid, Gregor. For the first time in 40 years, I don’t want to kill myself. I think about Donqui or ‘Clair or even Dante finding out I’m gone. I mean, I don’t even know if I can die anyways. I dunno how Dante’s clock thing is. What I’m saying is I’m scared, Greg. I don’t want to die for once and I–”
“I love you, Rodion.” Gregor interrupted.
“You can’t tell me that.”
“I love you.” He repeated.
“Greg-”
“I don’t want to die either. If it makes you feel better. Sharing a smoke with Ryoshu, or chatting with Faust about fucking taxes or waking up next to you. It makes me… not want to kill myself.”
“For once… there’s a future for you.”
“Yeah. And I’d like you to be alive for it. And I'd like to be happy with Ryoshu and Ishmael and Heathcliff and- I don’t want to kill myself.” Rodion looked away, hiding her expression from Gregor. “I think I love you.”
Rodion shook her head as Gregor repeated three words to her again, “I love you.”
“I can't say it back.”
“Hm, that's okay.” Gregor said.
They were silent, before Rodion quietly spoke, “I want to be there for your future. Only if you're in mine.”
“Of course.”