Work Text:
“So Yaz and Dan! The Doctor whirled around the console room, coat swishing behind her with the movement. “I were thinkin’.”
“A dangerous pastime.” Yaz snarked, getting a snort from Dan.
“Good one, Sheffield.”
The Doctor paused, nose crinkling in that way that was so utterly adorable, before pointedly ignoring Yaz’s slight against her as she continued. “So I were thinkin’ next we could stop by the 1904 World's Fair!” She said hitting levers and switches. “See what the 20th century had to offer?”
“I think I read something about that one.” Dan mused aloud. “Seems like a fun time. Didn’t they have candy floss?”
The Doctor paused, lips pursing in a way that made her nose crinkle. “I don’t rightly know, but there’s one way to find out.” And with that she hit a switch, sending them careening into time and space.
Yaz leaned back, grabbing at the railing as the TARDIS rocked violently in a way that sent a rush of adrenaline through Yaz. The familiar thunk of the TARDIS landing and the Doctor whirled past. She paused at the door, looking over her shoulder. “Shall we?”
Pushing open the doors, they stepped out into the hustle and bustle of the 1904 World’s Fair!
X x x x x X
“You’re starin’ at her again.” Dan said as he plopped down next to her, suspicious looking fried food in hand. “All love-struck and moony-eyed.”
“It’s not that bad, is it?” Yaz asked, watching as Dan swallowed a mouthful of whatever it was he was eating.
“Oh it’s bad.” Dan wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. “How are you still mooning over someone who rejected you?”
“It’s…” Yaz let out a sigh. “I can’t just stop having feelings for her.”
Loving the Doctor was like loving the sun itself. At least, that was the best way Yaz could describe it.
If you stare at her for too long, your eyes start to hurt and water. If you get too close for too long, you get burnt. But you can’t cut her off completely because she is also warm, and kind, and she brings life to every room she’s in. To every one she meets.
And Yaz, oh poor Yaz, she was completely intoxicated by the everything that the Doctor was and, despite her rather firm rejection, she couldn’t help but long for something more. To spend more time in the presence of the Doctor’s warmth.
Yaz was broken from her thoughts by a hand on her own as the Doctor entered her space, faces inches apart. “Yaz! I have something I need to show you!” And with that she was pulled to her feet and, before she knew it, was following the Doctor through the fair grounds.
It always seemed to be like this. The Doctor leading her into the unknown and Yaz willingly following her. She would follow the Doctor into hell itself if it meant she would get to hold her hand. ‘How could I not continue to love her? When she is everything I’ve been missing in my life?’
They came to a stop in front of the entrance to a building, boasting on a large sign. ‘See A Life-Sized Blue Whale’ and below it was a slightly smaller sign that read. ‘25 cent for entry!’
“This is what you wanted to show me?” Yaz asked, using sarcasm to hide that she was just a little disappointed when the Doctor let go of her hand.
“Not the sign! Although it is a rather impressive sign, I’ll give them that.” The Doctor took a moment to admire the signage. “Inside! I want to show you the inside the museum.” She retook her hand, pulling her toward the entryway flashing her psychic paper allowing them entry into the museum.
It was…defiantly a museum, but it was nothing that Yaz hadn’t seen before. At least that was until she looked up and saw the whale. It was big. Bigger than Yaz had really ever been able to conceptualize a whale to be.
There was something about travelling with the Doctor that made you start to understand the vastness of the universe and how tiny and insignificant you really were in the grand scheme of things.
Even if the Doctor would protest against the very thought that anyone, let alone Yasmin Khan, was insignificant. Yaz had come to terms with how little she mattered to the world, to the universe, long before she met the Doctor, long before she learned just how much more universe there was for her to not matter too.
“Oh.” Yaz looked down at her upturned palm, letting out a shaky laugh as it dawned on her just how small she truly was, even when compared to creatures found on earth. It was as if something clicked in her head, and suddenly she understood why the Doctor had rejected her. Of course, someone whose life was as vast and all encompassing as the Doctor wouldn’t be able to see Yaz as anything more than a passing fancy.
God.
How pathetic must she seem?
“Isn’t it amazing? That a creature so grand can exist right under humanities…noses…” The Doctor slowly trailed off before asking. “Yaz? Are you okay?”
Yaz tried to force a smile as she turned to look at the Doctor. “Yeah. Why do you ask?”
“Because you’re crying?”
Yaz reached up, touching at the tears that she hadn’t realized were falling. “Oh. Would you look at that? So I am.” She let out a weak, wet laugh as she looked up, wiping away some of them.
“Are you oka—”
“I’m fine!” Yaz said, perhaps a little too harshly. She tried desperately to quell the tears that continued to flow. “I’m fine.” She sniffed, moving away from the Doctor. “I just…got something in my eye, is all.”
Yaz forced out another laugh. “It’s dusty. I’m gonna step outside for a bit.” She turned, moving quickly, pushing through the crowd head down as she left the building and just walked. Walked until she was alone, the sound of birds chirping filling the empty space.
Yaz collapsed to the ground, burying her face in her thighs. Sobs were pulled from her throat in violent waves, hiccuping as she struggled for air. The cacophony of birds chirping reached a pitched climax before stopping suddenly, quiet falling over her as she continued to hiccup into her now wet jeans.
“There you are.” Dan’s voice echoed through the still air, and Yaz glanced up as her breath caught in her throat. “You look like hell, Sheffield.”
“Sh-shove it, Scouse.” Yaz stuttered as Dan took a seat next to her, unfazed by her snapping. “I want to be left alone.”
“The Doctor said you ran off.” Dan said, ignoring her words and instead leaned back on his hands. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” Yaz looked away, pressing her cheek into her leg. “Just…realized how pathetic I’m being.”
Dan was silent, not saying anything to deny the statement before, finally, saying something. “I highly doubt she thinks you’re pathetic.”
Yaz reached up, rubbing at her eyes, trying to erase the evidence of the tears she’d shed. “You don’t know that.”
Another beat of silence, this one dragging on for longer than the last, was broken when Dan finally spoke. “You’re right, I don’t. So why don’t you ask her yourself.” Yaz’s head jerked up to see Dan stand up, the Doctor standing behind him. She looked up at the Doctor with wide, panicked eyes, heart beating loudly in her chest.
Yaz turned back toward the aviary, focusing on keeping her breath from coming in uneasy gasps as the Doctor took Dan’s spot next to her. “Yaz, I—”
“I’m sorry.” The words were pulled violently from her throat, so much so that they hurt. “I know what you said, and I respect that but I just…I love you, I’m in love with you, and I can’t stop feeling this way. I just…I know I must seem so pathetic to you.”
“Yaz.” The Doctor said, leaning forward and taking Yaz’s hand in hers. “I could never find you pathetic. You’re far too amazing for that.”
Yaz let out a wet scoff trying to pull her hand away, but the Doctor wouldn’t let go. “You’re just saying that.”
“Have you ever known me to say things just to say them?”
“All the goddamn time!” Yaz laughed, chest feeling just a little lighter as the Doctor pouted, puffing her cheeks out like a petulant child.
“Well, I’m not this time.” The Doctor said, squeezing her hand. “I promise I’m not. I sincerely mean it when I say that nothing could make me see you as anything other than absolutely brilliant .”
Yaz sniffed, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “I wish—”
“You can’t say your wish out loud.” The Doctor elbowed her in the side as she threw a joke she’d made not that long ago back at her.
Yaz let out a weak laugh. “You can if you know it won’t come true.” She looked up at the overcast sky. “I wish you could fix yourself to me. Even if only for a little while.” She let out a shaky breath. “I know you won’t. I know you’re scared about hurting me, but I just…I want to be more with you. I want more of you. Consequences be damned.”
The Doctor tilted her head up, mimicking Yaz’s posture. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I also don’t want the pain of losing you. I’ve loved and lost so many, and it never gets any easier. I…don’t know if I can handle losing you too.”
“Don’t you think…that maybe it would be worth the pain? To give us a chance?” Yaz asked, threading their fingers together, causing the Doctor to turn to look at her.
“Do you like pain that much?” The Doctor deadpanned, eyes far-away.
“I mean,” Yaz pulled away. “I wouldn’t call myself a masochist, no.” The Doctor’s eyes widened, and she sputtered trying to over correct herself. “But,” Yaz pulled her hand up and pressing it into her lips. “I also don’t think life is worth living if you don’t take risks.” She looked up at the Doctor through her lashes. “Am I worth the risk, Doctor?”
The Doctor leaned back, groaning, biting at her bottom lip. “You’re makin’ it real hard to say no to you, ya know that?”
“So don’t.” Yaz squeezed her hand, pressing it into the side of her face. “Say yes. Say that you’ll give me, give us , a chance.”
The Doctor dropped her head, letting out a sigh. “Yasmin Khan, you are incorrigible.”
“That’s not a no.” Yaz leaned forward, pushing herself into the Doctor’s space. “That's. Not. A. No .” She enunciated each word as she leaned into the Doctor, until her lips were almost brushing against her neck.
“Yaz!” The Doctor laughed, pushing weakly at Yaz’s shoulder. “Yaz,” She repeated quieter, softer. “I’m scared by how much I like you.”
“So am I.” Yaz leaned her head into the Doctor’s shoulder. “But do you remember what my nani said?”
“Something about the definition of stupidity?” The Doctor said, a cheeky smile pulling at her lips.
“Big head.” Yaz shoved at the Doctor’s shoulder. “About how courage is knowing something will hurt and doing it anyway?”
The Doctor looked up at the sky and then down at their still intertwined fingers. “I’m not very brave.”
“Oh please, you’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever met.”
“No.” The Doctor shook her head, giving a sad smile. “I’m not.” She gently ran her thumb over Yaz’s knuckles. “But I suppose, for you, I could give it a try.”
“Just a try?” Yaz asked,
“Just a try for now.” The Doctor pulled her hand away, interlacing her fingers together and stretching them over her head with a groan. “Let’s take it slow and see where it, this, us, goes.” The Time Lord stood up, holding out her hand for Yaz to take, which she gladly took.
“You? Take it slow?” Yaz let the Doctor pull her to her feet, and spun her around. “Now that is something I’d love to see.”
Loving the Doctor was like loving the sun itself. Warm and inviting, and Yaz wanted to bask in the feeling for as long as she could. Even if, in the end, they both got burned.