Chapter Text
Caitlyn’s always tried to do good. Not to serve, but to protect. She understands that she was born with tremendous privilege, and she’s always tried to put that to good use. To dispense justice in the way that she felt was fair. To treat everyone equally, regardless of circumstance. Despite what she was taught growing up - about Piltover and its superiority over the barbarians in Zaun - she’s always thought that everyone deserved a fair shake. That’s how she governed her life.
How she tried to govern her life.
She hasn’t done a very good job of that recently.
She’s done things - terrible things - that she can’t forgive herself for. And frankly, she doesn’t expect others to forgive her. If the world was just and fair, she would be on trial for her crimes, sentenced to living out the remainder of her days in a cell in Stillwater.
Maybe even the same cell she found Vi in. Deep down in the bowels of nowhere.
But the world isn’t just. The world isn’t fair.
She still gets to live her life, even after the things she’s done. She gets the girl that she’s always wanted, and she gets to choose her job after she’s recovered. She gets to live .
It’s not fair to the people she’s hurt along the way.
But, if she’s going to get this opportunity - this second chance - she’s going to do her best to make sure she’s worthy of it.
She’s wronged people - so so so many people - and before she can feel truly comfortable, she needs to do her penance.
1) Tobias Kiramman
It feels like it’s been ages since she and father spoke. Since they truly spoke.
Vi’s still asleep upstairs, sprawled out in Caitlyn’s bed. It’s an adorable sight, one that Caitlyn can only half enjoy. Her vision is still blurry, head still aching, and she can barely stand without feeling the urge to throw up.
She feels better when she’s with Vi - when she’s able to focus on anything else - but that pain never fully goes away.
She couldn’t stand there forever though. It feels horrid, staring at this remarkable woman and wondering why she gets this after everything she’s done.
She knows its daft, to question why this is happening opposed to accepting that it is. She’s never been able to quiet her mind though, not fully. She’s a thinker, always has been, and likely always will be.
And right now….thinking about who she is, who she truly is, well…that’s the only thing she can think about, really.
She made her way downstairs, somehow. It took time, with her hand on the wall and the other one waving around in front of her, doing her best not to run into any of the various podiums and pieces of furniture dotting the hallways in the Kiramman household.
Caitlyn can feel the anger and resentment bubbling up inside her chest the entire while.
Eventually, however, she does make it into the kitchen, only to be greeted by the sight of her father.
He’s sitting alone at the island, sipping tea. He looks purposeful.
He’s a doctor. A healer. Which, even if it’s morbid to think about, Caitlyn supposes that this war has given him a purpose that he’s been missing ever since a little blue-haired girl tore down their entire world.
“Caitlyn.”
Tobias Kiramman gets up as soon as he sees her, rushing over. “Sit, sit,” he mutters, leading her over to a chair before he pushes it out to help his daughter up into it. Caitlyn has the urge to chastise, to plead with him that she’s not an invalid, but it never makes it past her lips.
She suddenly realizes that she hasn’t given her father nearly enough thought these past months.
He’s drifted through her life, of course. They both live in the same house, and they still had dinner together whenever Caitlyn’s schedule permitted. But they never talked. Not really.
Caitlyn doesn’t know how he’s feeling, and she hates herself for that.
She hates herself for so many things.
“Thank you,” is what she says as she’s seated, Tobias humming as he gives her one last sad look.
“Of course. How are you feeling? Tea?”
“Please.”
“The first question too, dear.”
Damn him
“I have no depth perception,” she starts, one eye blinking as she watches her father make tea while trying not to look too concerned. “I have a near constant migraine. I can’t….I barely made it down here without falling over.”
“And your side?”
“It’s sore. I was careful not to tear the stitches,” Caitlyn offers. “Frankly, my side is the least of my concerns.”
Her father’s clearly thinking. Given his occupation, Caitlyn suspects that she isn’t the first person he’s seen that’s struggled with partial vision loss. “I wish I could say those problems will go away, sweetheart. But….”
“I’ll have to adapt.”
“Yes,” Tobias sighs, shaking his head. “I’m so sorry, Caitlyn. Please, whenever you need me, just know that I’m here.”
Caitlyn forces a smile to her face, all while that increasingly familiar pain rises in her chest. “I know, father. I’ll make sure I ask. You and Vi.”
“I thought I heard someone else come in last night.”
Caitlyn flushes bright red at that. Her father had known about Maddie - that coward - and about her sexuality, for a while now, so that’s not the issue. It’s just…..she doesn’t know his headspace. Hasn’t cared to ask.
“Are you okay with that? With Vi?”
In truth, nothing he says will change her opinion. She and Vi are….they’re linked, inextricably so. Now that they’ve had sex, now that they’ve kissed again , Caitlyn doesn’t think she could ever let Vi go.
She’d rather move than allow her father to kick Vi out.
“I’ll be okay, Caitlyn. I struggle to think of her as a positive in your life, but as long as she cares for you as much as you care for her, I can try,” is the response Caitlyn gets. It’s so far removed from the last time he saw Vi, all those months ago. He was wallowing in grief then, the same as Caitlyn was. The difference however, is that he didn’t know Vi. He just knew her as the sister of the thing that killed his wife.
“She does.”
“I’m glad,” Tobias smiles as he slides over Caitlyn’s tea, making sure to put it right beside her hand so it’s easy to reach. “Not that you need my permission, but she can stay as long as she wants.”
Caitlyn lets out her quiet thank you, but she still….she feels bad. Her father’s offering up their home, their hospitality, to someone that he has no relation to aside from murder. And Caitlyn isn’t sure that she deserves that trust.
Vi does. Caitlyn’s doesn’t.
Her father must pick up on it. He always does.
“Is something wrong, Caitlyn?”
“I….” she stops and starts, hating the way that her vision is blurred from one single tear. She wipes it away as best she can - which isn’t great - but she perseveres, because if she isn’t going to say this now, when will she? “I’ve been horrid to you.”
Her father doesn’t say anything, but his hand squeezes hers, and that’s enough to help Caitlyn soldier on.
“I’ve been so wrapped up in myself and my grief, that I haven’t stopped to consider yours. We haven’t….we haven’t had tea together in months.”
“You’ve been busy.”
“I’ve been busy ,” Caitlyn scoffs. “Busy enacting martial law. Busy being a tyrant.”
“Caitlyn….”
“Do you think that mother….do you think she would despise me?”
It’s a thought that’s been rising in her chest ever since her very first meeting with Ambessa. Ever since she took up the mantle of Commander Kiramman, she’s been trying to avenge her mother. Never once stopping to think about if her mother would approve of her actions. If she would be ashamed of her daughter.
“Oh Caitlyn,” is the response she gets, and the wrap of fatherly arms around her grounds the youngest Kiramman. “She wouldn’t hate you. She would…..she would have seen how much you were hurting.”
“You were hurting too. But you didn’t….no one else did what I did.”
“What’s done is done, sweetheart. You know that the things you did were wrong. You know, and you’re trying to help now. That’s all we can do.”
Blast it, Caitlyn loves her father so much it hurts
And she voices as much.
“I love you,” she manages to get out between her sobs, hearing it muffled against his hairline where her father is hugging her. “And I’m truly
truly
sorry for how I treated you. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“Thank you,” Tobias smiles before he pulls away. He passes over his handkerchief, making sure to have it as unfolded as possible, so Caitlyn doesn’t need to worry about aiming for her tear-soaked eye.
Caitlyn still feels bad, for how she’s treated him, but she feels…lighter.
“Now,” her father claps his hands together, looking over Caitlyn’s shoulder at the stairs. “We’ve run out of food, and from what I hear, the market has reopened. I think I’ll go gather some ingredients for a hearty breakfast.
“I’m afraid I won’t be of much use in the kitchen,” Cailtlyn sighs, able to admit that the last thing anyone needs is her attempting to cut vegetables.
“That’s not a problem. I can cook more than enough for the three of us.”
“Three of…”
“It wouldn’t be proper if we excluded Miss Violet, would it?” Her father smiles, and Caitlyn can see he’s trying. Trying to get to know Vi, beyond the actions of her sister. “Do you know what kind of food she likes? If she has any allergies?”
And Caitlyn can’t help her chuckle, or the happy tear falling onto the marble countertop below.
2) Loris
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
“I’m not an invalid, Vi.”
“Right,” Vi sighs as she pinches the bridge of her nose. “Sorry. I’m just….I don’t want you to get hurt. Or force you to hide it if you are.”
Caitlyn just smiles at that, leaning in to give Vi a peck on the cheek (it lands just under her eye). “Thank you for being so sweet. And I promise that I’ll tell you if something’s wrong.”
Vi looks at her like she doesn't quite believe her, and frankly, Caitlyn can’t blame her.
She’s trying to adjust to her new lot in life. That she can’t walk straight, that when she reaches for something, she’s rarely able to grab it. That she always has some sort of pain in the back of her eyesocket.
Vi being here with her - still being here with her - helps. It helps more than Caitlyn can put into words.
“Okay,” Vi smiles, and this time it’s Caitlyn that gets a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for coming with me.”
Caitlyn can’t bring herself to respond.
The Enforcers have a cemetery where they lay their fallen to rest. It’s seen a lot of use these past weeks.
Really, these past few months, because Caitlyn’s various policies led to even more civil unrest which led to even more violence which led to even more deaths.
Deaths of those who supported her because they believed she was right, and those who supported her because they feared for their lives.
Caitlyn doesn’t know which is worse.
There’s one grave in particular that Vi’s wanted to come to. She had told Caitlyn that there was no need for her to join, that if the headache was too strong, if the pain was too much, Vi would understand.
Caitlyn needs to be here though. She has things that she needs to say to this man.
“Do you mind if I say some things? Alone?”
Vi looks uncharacteristically sheepish, even with Caitlyn pressed into her side. It doesn’t take a genius to know that Loris saw things, saw Vi at her lowest point in her and Caitlyn’s months apart. Things that, while Vi’s told her about some of them, she likely hasn’t told Caitlyn everything .
Things she’s ashamed of, and is scared that they’ll make Caitlyn see her differently.
Caitlyn understands that all too well.
“I’ll be okay,” she smiles, rolling her eye at the look she gets. “I’ll be fine, Vi. Just…prop me up against that tree, yes?”
“Caitlyn Kiramman, sitting on the ground,” Vi mutters, getting another rather aggressive eyeroll for that particular comment. “Sure you don’t want a blanket? An Enforcer to fan you?”
Caitlyn just mutters “hush,” before Vi sits her down, wincing just a little at the pain in her side. “I’m okay,” she reassures, because Vi must have caught it judging by the way that she stills for just a second. “I’m okay. Go, please.”
“Okay, Cupcake,” Vi says softly, giving one last look over her shoulder. “Seriously though. If it starts to hurt too bad, just yell.”
She musters the best smile that she can, and then, she’s alone.
She takes a look around.
The cemetery is full, not just with graves, but people. So many lives lost, so many families saying goodbye to their loved ones. It breaks Caitlyn’s heart, that all of these people….they followed her. They believed in her. They were scared of her.
This is her doing.
“Damn it.”
You’d think she’d only have half the tears, given she only has half her eyes, but life isn’t that kind.
She can hear people mulling around, hears her name spoken on occasion. Spoken with derision, with pity. No one comes over to her though, and for that, she’s thankful. She’s not ready for that, to hear what people think of her.
Right now, her world consists of the Kiramman Estate, her father, and Vi. That’s all she can handle.
She doesn’t know how long Vi’s gone for. It’s long enough that the ache in her empty eye socket is only growing, and she can feel the onset of another migraine. She doesn’t dare get up though, not with the fear of stumbling over someone’s grave, or missing the tree entirely and falling on her arse.
She’s useless, and in a monumentally fucked up way, she supposes she deserves it.
“Ready?”
When she opens her eye, and sees Vi crouched down in front of her, Caitlyn thinks that maybe, maybe she doesn’t deserve it. Because you can’t be a bad person if someone looks at you like Vi’s looking at her.
“I…I was hoping to talk to him. If that’s alright?”
“Um, yeah. Of course it is,” Vi stammers as she helps Caitlyn up, hefting her arm over her broad shoulders. “Want me to stick around?”
Caitlyn’s not quite sure how to word this. She has….she has apologies to give. She has things to say, and she knows that Vi would disagree, vehemently, with the feelings she needs to express.
“You said your piece. Let me say mine,” is what she goes with, and judging by the soft look on her face, Vi understands. “There’s a kebab stand outside the entrance. I can’t promise it measures up to Jericho’s, but maybe you’ll like it.”
“If you haven’t noticed Cait, I’m kinda broke.”
“I always look after my girlfriend, Violet,” Caitlyn counters with, and this time, there’s nothing soft in Vi’s gaze. It’s complete and utter lust and it still makes Caitlyn’s head spin, that they don’t have to hide it anymore. “I won’t be long.”
Vi just smiles, pocketing the coins that she’s given. “Yeah…thanks, Cait. I’ll be right back.”
And with that, Caitlyn’s alone again. She doesn’t have to look back to know that Vi’s watching her kneel down in front of Loris’ grave.
“Hello Loris.”
Find the words, Caitlyn
“I wanted to say thank you, Loris. For watching out for Vi. When I couldn’t. When I wouldn’t. When I was too blind to see what I was doing. You…you saw. You saw what I was. You left when you couldn’t stand by me anymore. There’s strength in that. Far more strength than I had.”
“I’m sorry for making you do that. And I’m…beyond thankful for all that you did for Vi. I can never repay that. And I’m sorry that you aren’t here to see her. I know you cared for her. And that she cared for you. But please….rest.”
“I’ll look after Vi now. You can rest.”
3) Jayce Talis
The next grave she visits is on the Kiramman Estate.
Alongside the larger mausoleum, there’s typically monuments of Councillors who’ve perished located on or near their estates. Torman Hoskel, Irius Bolbok, Cassandra Kiramman….Jayce Talis.
Jayce’s estate isn’t nearly as large as the Kiramman’s however. Barely even an estate, by Councillor standards. So, in order to ensure that he gets the respect he deserves, there’s a monument to Jayce in the garden at the Kiramman estate as well.
Given there’s no body, it doesn’t function as a grave, not properly.
Caitlyn’s alone today. Vi and her father have gone into town - they’re both trying to understand the other, as difficult as it’s been - and Caitlyn loves them both for it. They still don’t get along, and she can tell that her father still doesn’t fully trust Vi. Vi, on the other hand, is nothing if not cordial. At least until her father says something about Zaunites, or Jinx, to set her off.
It’s tricky. But they both clearly want to make this work. For Caitlyn.
So, her father took her girlfriend to the Piltover market, to see if there’s anything more Vi’s fancy than what they usually eat. Caitlyn wasn’t surprised that Vi isn’t the biggest fan of vegetables.
Why is everything about her so endearing?
With there still being no hired help at the Kiramman Estate, Caitlyn’s alone. She has a cane now, meant for both walking and for ensuring she doesn’t run into everything in her path. She’s getting better, a month after it happened, but her knees are still beyond bruised from all the counters and tables that she’s run into.
She can’t bring herself to try to shoot. Not yet.
With her current situation, however, there’s really not much she can do on her own. She can’t write, can’t read without getting a debilitating migraine. She can’t go back to work…. won’t go back to work.
With what she did last time she had any semblance of power, she doesn’t want to risk it.
She knows that’s foolish. That what was driving her to commit the atrocities that she did is no longer an issue. Her mind is clear, and she understands the difference between right and wrong. The ends don’t justify the means.
Still, she can’t. She can’t put on the Enforcer blue. She can’t risk turning back into what she was, even a little bit. Not after what she did to Zaun. To Piltover. To Vi.
Vi.
She knows Vi’s worried about her. That she sees how Caitlyn can’t look at herself in the mirror, how she flinches whenever there’s a loud sound over her left shoulder. How she refuses to look at her rifle, sitting in the corner of their bedroom.
Vi wears her emotions on the surface, and even with Caitlyn’s impaired vision, it’s impossible not to see the sadness and worry etched all over Vi’s face.
But worry is better than hatred.
“I wish you were here.”
They really did a remarkable job with the statue.
She’s sitting on one of the many marble benches, situated in a circle surrounding the statue of the man in front of her. The flowers are in full bloom - which feels wrong when you only have to step outside of the Kiramman estate to still see remnants of war - and the smell relaxes Caitlyn. She’s never been one for gardening, doesn’t know the first thing about these flowers. They’re her father’s hobby, and with the gardener having been let go along with the rest of the staff, Caitlyn presumes he must be the one tending to them.
Her and Vi walk through here on occasion. It’s a way for her to not feel cooped up, to try to learn how to walk properly while away from prying eyes. Vi seems to like it too, the flowers, so even if Caitlyn’s meant to be watching where she’s going, most of the time her eye is on Vi.
She’s always so aware of Vi. It’s heady.
The reason she’s here right now though, is the statue. The tall statue of the tall man, overlooking her. It’s bronze, Jayce dressed as he often was, in the approximation of his white and gold clothing. He has a book in one hand, hammer resting by his foot, gaze staring off into the distance over the blossoming flowers.
Looking for Viktor, Caitlyn supposes.
It makes sense that they would leave this life together. At least, that’s what Ekko told Vi.
“You were always there,” she sighs, stopping herself when she feels her nails digging into the flesh of her thigh. “When I couldn’t talk to mother or father, you were always there.”
She knows that she’s meant to talk to Vi now. That Vi’s the person she’s supposed to trust, above all else. And she does. She trusts Vi with her life, and would do anything for her.
It’s just….she doesn’t want Vi to think less of her. Doesn’t want to risk losing that growing forgiveness for what’s happened.
She knows that’s foolish. In the back of her mind, she knows that Vi wouldn’t think less of her for voicing her concerns, her anguish, her sorrow. Her hatred of herself.
She knows that . But still….here she is.
Talking to the ghost of her brother.
“I’m sorry that we didn’t get to speak after you returned. Properly,” she continues, it being yet another one of her many regrets. “We were both so busy, and I never got to check on you. Where you’d been, or if you were okay.”
“There’s a part of me that thinks you’d have hated me for what I did. But I think you would have seen me. You would have understood. Maybe not accepted, but understood.”
Jayce was always too smart for his own good. Maybe not as analytical as Caitlyn, but smarter. They balanced each other well, worked well together. They have their difference in age, but Caitlyn still loved him like you’d love an older brother. Still looked up to him.
They still terrorized the Kiramman Estate at times. When Jayce was feeling particularly rambunctious, or he and Viktor needed a break from Hextech. It was nice.
For someone as internal and as put together as Caitlyn feels she often is, it was nice to have someone to be a different version of herself with. A better version of herself, maybe.
She doesn’t know if they could ever be that again. Jayce was changed by where he’d been, without question. Caitlyn was changed by what she’d done. But still….she thinks they could have connected again.
If they’d had more time.
“There’s no grave for Viktor yet. I don’t know if there ever will be. I’ll try but…I know you’d want him honoured. Even after everything.”
If Caitlyn can redeem herself, if Jinx can redeem herself, why can’t Viktor?
“You won’t be forgotten. I’m ensuring there’s a memorial for you, as part of Progress Day. Mel’s helping. People will know what you did. How you saved us.”
“Wherever you are, I hope you know that. That I’m sorry for facilitating Ambessa. For the part I played in your death. I hope you forgive me for that.”
“I wish I could have said that to you.”
Caitlyn wipes away the tear as she reaches to her side, picking up the packaged seed that she brought with her. It’s a violet flower. Singular.
“It’s going to start as a sprout. But when it grows, it’ll be a Violet”.
It feels right, planting it nearby him. Caitlyn, Violet, Jayce….together.
It makes her happy.
4) Ekko
Caitlyn still thinks this is a bad idea.
She shouldn’t be here.
Her face has been plastered all over Zaun for months . The very symbol of their oppression. There’s absolutely no way that she’s wanted here, that she’ll be accepted here.
There’s a non-zero chance that she returns to Piltover in a casket.
But Vi wants her here, so here Caitlyn is. Being brought into the Firelight’s base, not for the first time. She doesn’t know if she’s more welcome now, or all those months ago.
“I think I should at least have a hood, Violet,” Cait posits. She knows that the full name is a dirty trick, recognizes the way that Vi’s eyes dilate just a little bit more. How she looks at her with even more love and lust in her eyes than she usually does. “They’re going to want to stone me.”
All Vi does is roll her eyes, apparently not taking Caitlyn’s warnings all that seriously. “They’re not going to stone you, Cait. Seriously, how backwards do you think we are?”
“Firing squad then.”
“Please, Cait, stop . I’m not listening to that shit.”
It’s a pattern. Whenever Caitlyn voices something like that, some fear of reprisal for her past actions, Vi….Vi can’t stand hearing about Caitlyn getting hurt. She understands why, and she knows that she shouldn’t say those things, but her mind is a dangerous place.
She’s usually so precise with her words, but Vi just brings her thoughts out. For better and for worse.
Vi’s the only reason she’s here at all. She’s visited Ekko a couple times without Caitlyn, but every time Vi’s come here, she’s asked. Wants Caitlyn to see how they’re thriving. See how good Ekko’s doing, how much he’s helping.
Vi’s proud of him.
The first few times, Caitlyn had excuses. She couldn’t walk, her headaches were unbearable. Now though, she can walk with her cane, her headaches are only mildly debilitating at their worst, and she deals with them at their best.
But most of all, when Vi looks at her with hope in her eyes, Caitlyn can never say no to her.
“I’m sorry,” she sighs, inwardly kicking herself.
“Don’t gotta be sorry, Cait. I just don’t like hearing about you getting hurt. Seen enough of that for a lifetime.”
Ah
“But if anyone tries shit….I’ve got your back. They gotta go through me.”
“How gallant. My big strong bodyguard,” Caitlyn teases, or….mostly teases. There's a semblance of truth there.
Vi blushes that pretty pretty pink though, a hand sheepishly running through her hair. “Can’t be saying things like that in public, Cupcake.”
Caitlyn’s not quite sure how she manages to avoid ravaging Vi in times like this.
She’s never felt this way before with anyone . This need for them, all consuming. To be around her, to care for her, to love her. It’s reciprocated, based on the way Vi looks at her. The things she whispers when they’re alone together late at night.
Caitlyn’s not sure how she managed to get this, but she’ll be damned if she lets it slip through her fingers.
That’s why she’s trying. That’s why she’s here.
The Firelight’s hideout looks, all together, relatively similar to how it looked last time Caitlyn was here. The mural has changed, headlined by the large painting of Ekko above everyone else (Caitlyn supposes it was done during the months he was missing). There’s so many more faces however, so many more lost.
Caitlyn doesn’t even need to look to know that Vi’s staring at the painting of Jinx.
Not the one of Powder.
Of Jinx.
Caitlyn doesn’t think she’s angry about that. Not in the least.
“It’s beautiful,” she offers. Vi doesn’t say anything, just sobs, and then her lips are on Caitlyn’s.
“Can’t believe you actually came,” Ekko comments as he sits down, taking up the spot beside Caitlyn. She always makes sure to sit on the left most side of wherever she is, so he’s in her field of vision, and he looks…he looks good.
Tired, but healthy. Like a leader.
Not for the first time, Caitlyn considers offering him the Kiramman council seat. He’d be good at it. A strong leader. Professor Heimerdinger respected him, and she knows that he would look out for everyone in Zaun.
She’s brought the thought up to Vi, who made it clear that it would be a lost cause. That there’s no way he’d take her up on it. Caitlyn supposes she can’t blame him.
“It wasn’t entirely my decision.”
“Ah”.
Caitlyn swears she sees a bit of a smirk on his face as they both look over at the woman in question. She’s running through ‘training drills’ with some of the younger Firelights, doing her best to show them how to throw a proper punch, all while knowing that there’s no way they’ll be able to do that.
It’s hopelessly adorable.
“She’s good at that,” Ekko continues, and Caitlyn just hums. It feels like they're dancing around it, what they both know that they need to talk about. That all these people here have seen her face for months, and at least half of them probably want to gut her. That the only reason they haven’t is because of Ekko’s leadership, and more than a few daggers stared into them from Vi. “Is she happy?”
Caitlyn doesn’t answer at first, not right away. She’s not quite sure how to answer it. Not quite sure what Ekko wants to hear.
“I asked her to come back here. Live with us. Help Zaun. She said no,” he keeps going, this being news to Caitlyn’s ears. “Said she needed to be up there. With you.”
She and Vi are going to have a talk when they’re back in Piltover. “Oh,” Caitlyn says to herself, eye staring into Ekko’s. “I like to think she is. She says she is. However, I don’t expect you to believe me. Nor do I expect forgiveness, or pity. I understand what I did. What I am. But trust Vi .”
“Vi has blind spots. Especially with the people she loves.”
Love
“She does,” Caitlyn agrees, because she can’t really deny that. Vi loves so fiercely , and at some point, Caitlyn would have said that was a weakness. How she wouldn’t let Caitlyn take a shot at her sister, or how she always always left Caitlyn for Jinx. She doesn’t think that anymore though, not after everything that’s happened. Vi’s love makes her who she is, and in Caitlyn’s mind, there’s nobody better. “There’s nothing that I can say to make you trust me, Ekko.”
He just shakes his head though, bringing a foot up to the bench, his forearms resting across it and his head hanging by his knee. “You didn’t let me finish. She has blind spots but she still sees what people are. And I haven’t heard her talk about anyone the way she talks about you.”
“Hmm?”
“That’s not my place,” he counters, and Caitlyn supposes that’s fair, even if her heart starts beating faster and faster . “I wasn’t here, but I can see. What you did to these people. How you hurt them.…..but Vi believes in you. And I believe in Vi.”
“The only reason you’re here is because Vi asked . And the only reason that everyone’s okay with it is because I asked . Don’t make me regret it. Be….be who Vi thinks you are.”
Caitlyn can see why Vi thinks so highly of Ekko. He’d be an incredible leader. Is an incredible leader.
“I’m trying to be,” is what she goes with, and that’s enough for Ekko. “And I know it doesn’t mean much, but I am truly sorry. For everything I did to everyone in Zaun. I’m sorry about Professor Heimerdinger. And…and about Jinx,” she offers, it not being lost on her who must have approved that mural. Which, judging by the sad look in his eyes, she was more than right about. “I don’t expect you to believe my sincerity.”
Ekko doesn’t say anything, not for a while. Which is okay. They don’t need to say anything.
“Cupcake? Little Man?” Vi questions as she walks over, eyeing them with more than a little fear, hands buried in her jacket pockets. “We good?”
Caitlyn doesn’t feel like she should be the one to answer that question.
Thankfully, she doesn’t have to.
“Yeah,” Ekko sighs as he gets up, turning back to look at Caitlyn for a second. “We’re good.”
He gives one more look to Vi before he’s gone, suddenly swarmed by the kids who Vi was training with, and who are more than excited to try out their new skills on him.
“He’s a good leader,” Caitlyn smiles and Vi just hums, taking up the now vacant seat. She wraps her arm around Cait’s waist and pulls her in, topping it off with a kiss on the cheek.
“He is,” Vi smiles, but there’s something else there, underneath the love and respect for Ekko. “There’s a…they have a shooting range here. And, I don’t know, I was….I was thinking. Maybe, if you want to, we could go over and see if….if you want to maybe….you don’t have to, obviously, but I was just thinking that, maybe?”
Bless her heart
“I’m not sure that I’m ready for that,” is all Caitlyn can offer up. It pains her, the way Vi’s face falls, just a little bit, but she needs to be true to herself. She can’t do this, not yet. But….she can still try. She can do that.
“We can go over though, if you want? To watch?”
The smile Vi gives her is blinding
5) Vi
Most of Caitlyn’s nights are bad nights.
She has no shortage of nightmares for her brain to choose from. The most prevalent one is Ambessa, glaring down at her as she tries to force her blade through Caitlyn’s face. There’s Maddie, gun to back of Caitlyn’s head, and this time, the bullet finds its way home.
There’s her mother (dead, always dead), Caitlyn unable to save her. There’s Jinx (even still) kidnapping her from her bathroom, dressing her, locking her into a wheelchair, muzzling her.
And then there’s Vi.
Those ones don’t happen all the time, thankfully. But when they do, they’re the worst.
There’s the ones of Vi getting hurt. Of her getting stabbed by Sevika. Of Warwick (Vander) beating her, and this time, finishing the job. Of Jinx making one of her shots in their fight in the sewers.
Those, Caitlyn can deal with. Because when she wakes up and looks over to the other side of the bed, Vi’s there. She’s sleeping, she’s alright, she’s safe. It was just a nightmare.
The other ones, the nightmares of her hurting Vi….those are the worst.
Caitlyn hitting Vi in the cheek with the butt of her rifle, even though Vi asked her to. Of Caitlyn beating Vi before flipping her over her shoulder down in the Fissures, not even realizing who it is.
Caitlyn slamming the butt of her rifle into Vi’s stomach.
Those are the nightmares that she can’t cope with.
She thinks she….she feels more like herself. It’s been two months since everything happened, since Ambessa was defeated, and Caitlyn’s finally starting to feel like the person she used to be. The person she thought she was.
But still, at night, she has those nightmares, and thinks that maybe she hasn’t changed. Maybe she still has those thoughts because, maybe, she’s still that same person. The one who followed Ambessa, without voicing her concerns. That kept her feelings buried deep down, but followed her nevertheless, because maybe, maybe , what they were doing was necessary.
She wakes up those nights in a cold sweat, chest heaving, struggling to breathe. She usually can’t see, tears in her eye, and all she can think about is how much wrong she’s done.
Sometimes Vi doesn’t wake up, and Caitlyn can’t bring herself to stir her. Vi deserves her sleep, after everything she’s been through. She’s stubborn as hell, but if she feels mistreated, she wouldn’t stay. So….maybe it’s just a silly dream.
Sometimes though, sometimes Vi does wake up.
“Cait?”
“Cait, what are….”
“Shit…deep breaths Cait, okay. Just listen to my….fuck how does she do this….just listen to my voice, okay? Deep breaths.”
Caitlyn feels like such a child .
Still, she does as Vi says. Deep breaths, in and out. Deep breaths, in and out.
And she listens.
“I’m here, Cait. You’re here,” Vi keeps going, and it’s obvious how out of her depth she feels. Vi can be incredibly charming and incredible with her words when she wants to be, but it’s in moments like this, when she feels the weight of their importance, that she believes she’ll stumble (she rarely does).
“You’re…fuck, everything’s good. You’re fine. We….I…fuck….okay. Okay. I guess I…I didn’t tell you how good you looked today, Cait. You look really fucking good in blue, obviously, but I really like you in red. Red jacket and those tight pants….gonna kill me, Cupcake. Goddamn perfect legs. ”
It’s helping. Caitlyn can feel her breath slowing.
“And you’re doing so good with our physical therapy. Whenever you let me come and watch or help or whatever, all I can think about is how fucking proud I am of you. You’ve been through so much and, honestly, Cait, I think we can throw out the cane. Didn’t need it yesterday, did you? You were going through that course like nobody’s business.”
She’s not wrong.
Her walking is getting better. Soon, maybe, she won’t even need the cane. She still has trouble with reaching for things, touching what she means to touch, but she’s learning to adjust with her walking. She’s relatively steady on her feet now, able to avoid things that she doesn’t mean to run into.
It’s a work in progress, but hearing what Vi’s saying….it lights an even bigger fire under Caitlyn.
“Fl….flatt…..flatterer,” Caitlyn manages to get out, and Vi just laughs as she grips her girlfriend’s shoulders.
“Damn straight. Anyone that’s lucky enough to have a girl like you should be letting her know how great she is all the time .”
“Love….love you.”
“Love you too Cait. Can I….”
Caitlyn figures that smashing their lips together is answer enough to that question.
Her breath is better now, but her heart is still racing, head still thinking bad thoughts. Not as many, because Vi’s here and she’s not going anywhere. She’s so incredible, and she’s still with Caitlyn, even after everything she’s done. She’s stayed with her this entire time, helping her through it, and if that’s not a sign that they’re in this for the long haul, well, Cait doesn’t know what is.
Still though….there’s that part of her that doesn’t know if she deserves this. That thinks that Vi is far far too forgiving.
When their lips fall apart, their foreheads rest together, and Caitlyn swears that she can hear Vi thinking. About what to say, what to do. If she should ask about what has Caitlyn waking up in tears.
Caitlyn thinks she’s hurt Vi enough. It’s about time she made up for that.
“Nightmare,” she gets out, and Vi hums, a hand coming up to wipe the tears from Caitlyn’s cheek. “About you.”
With how close they are, it’s easy to feel the way Vi stills.
“Cait….”
“About me
hurting
you.”
“Oh,” Vi gets out, pulling away just a bit , far enough that she can stare into Caitlyn’s eye. “You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to. I don’t even think about that anymore.”
“How?”
“I uh…..Cait, I don’t fucking know. I just don’t . It happened, and it hurt - it really fucking hurt - but we’re here, right?”
Vi doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand what Caitlyn’s trying to say. She can’t read Caitlyn’s mind - not this deep into it - which means Caitlyn’s going to have to come out and say it, blast it. “I don’t know how you can forgive me.”
“What…..what do you mean?”
“For everything I did,” Caitlyn continues, quieter now. Her voice is barely above a whisper, and she’s certain that the only reason Vi can hear her is because they're so close, breath ghosting off each other’s lips. “For how I hurt you.”
“Did someone say something to you?”
“I….what?”
“Did. Someone. Say. Something?”
Caitlyn supposes that would be easier. If someone said something heinous to her, was cruel to her in such a (deserved) way that Vi would only have to go out, punch them, and that would make everything better.
Their lives aren’t that easy.
Caitlyn speaks quietly, shaking her head. “No one said anything,” she reassures, but that only makes Vi’s gaze narrow. “The way you look at me, Violet. I don’t understand how I get to experience that. Not after everything.”
“Cait….look at me, please.”
Caitlyn hadn’t even realized she’d been avoiding Vi’s gaze.
When she brings it up, that same look is there, the same one that makes her stomach flutter and makes her brain question everything .
“I love you. Okay? I love you and I see you, Caitlyn. Yeah, it really fucking hurt. I thought for a long time that I couldn’t forgive you. That my life was better without you. But, Cait, it wasn’t. It was fucking hell. And I know that’s not fair to put on you, but….you were hurting. You were hurting and you did a lot of bad things, sure, but you’re here, you understand, and you gave up so fucking much, Cait. You’re trying so hard. ”
With the way that Vi’s fingers trail over her the straps of her eyepatch, that fact isn’t lost on Caitlyn.
“So just….trust me, Caitlyn. I know what I’m doing, and I’m exactly where I want to be.”
Again, there’s nothing Caitlyn can do but kiss her.
It’s probably too passionate for this late at night, but Caitlyn doesn’t care. She loves this woman so much , and she needs to show her. Needs to show her how much she appreciates her words, her understanding. That she doesn’t forgive Caitlyn entirely, that she holds her accountable, all while still being here and understanding. Helping her recover, helping her find herself.
Vi is remarkable .
Eventually, Caitlyn needs air though - she hasn’t had a hard workout in months - and she grins at the slack-jawed look on Vi’s face.
“Thank you. For trusting me.”
“I uh….” Vi stammers, and yeah , Caitlyn rocked her world. “Yeah. Yeah.”
Caitlyn just smiles and lays back down, Vi finding her spot nestled into her girlfriend’s side. It’s quiet, calm, and Caitlyn feels better.
But, she can’t help but say it.
“I’m still sorry, Violet.”
“I know you are, Cupcake. I’m sorry too.”
And with that, Caitlyn feels
lighter.