Archive of Our Own

So far, their mission was an absolute disaster .

Sanemi and Obanai were used to being sent on missions together. They enjoyed it, as much as one could enjoy their job anyway. Not to mention, they worked well together.

It was always so easy to fight alongside Iguro, to Sanemi at least. He understood each little signal, analyzed every movement, and never stood in the way.

Most importantly, he wasn’t afraid to call Sanemi out when he was being reckless, just as Sanemi didn’t hesitate to yell at Obanai if he was overthinking things.

To Obanai, being in battle alongside Shinazugawa felt safe. Their movements blended together seamlessly, despite the difference in their fighting styles, and Sanemi had long since learned how to cover Obanai’s weaknesses without complaint.

All in all, they could usually fight well together. Except for now, apparently.

Obanai had been… distracted, to say the least. When he’d been told he would be sent on a mission with Shinazugawa, he had a horribly anxious feeling in his heart that still hadn’t quite gone away.

As much as Obanai knew how capable of a fighter Sanemi was, he also couldn’t help but worry about him.

Kyojuro always told him he worried too much, especially if he really cared about someone, and Obanai happened to care about Shinazugawa a lot.

More than he should, really. Not that he would ever admit that out loud.

He knew Shinazugawa could tell something was wrong, but he hadn’t called him out on it while they were searching for the demon. Although he had been a bit annoyed at Iguro for getting lost in thought, especially during a mission.

They were both strictly disciplined when it came to their duties as Hashira, maybe a bit too much according to other Demon Slayers, so to see Obanai so distant filled him with discomfort.

Maybe he was also just worried about his friend, but he couldn’t quite admit to that thought.

Initially, finding the demon they were assigned to take care of had been ridiculously easy. The beast had left bloody footprints in it’s wake, likely whatever was left of the latest innocent person to have fallen victim to it.

It was just the battle itself that was annoying , to say the least.

The demon didn’t seem to be particularly strong, but it was fast and had the most annoying, mocking laughter either of them had heard in a long time.

They just wanted to get this mission over with and return to headquarters to complain to the other Hashira, so they worked quickly.

Or, more accurately, Sanemi worked quickly, while Obanai looked a bit lost even as he tried to be helpful.

Now, Sanemi didn’t want to sound mean, not about one of the few people he could actually stand, but there was something seriously wrong with Iguro, and it was starting to piss him off.

It wouldn’t have been too bad, had Obanai not put himself in danger for absolutely no reason.

They were fighting the demon, more or less taking turns attacking and dodging attacks, when Obanai took the risk of looking at Sanemi in a brief pause between attacks. The demon took the shot and sped towards him, laughing all the while.

It took Obanai far too long to notice. Fortunately, Sanemi’s reaction time was better in that moment, and he rushed towards the demon just in time to behead it before it reached Iguro. Kaburamaru hissed just in time for him to get out of the way, something Sanemi would have to thank the snake for later.

When the head fell to the ground with a sickening thud , Iguro only stared, wide-eyed and dumbfounded. Sanemi landed a few meters away, kneeling on the ground as he exhaled.

The woods they had found themselves in were silent for a moment. Eventually, Obanai walked towards Sanemi, offering him a hand.

Sanemi only glared at him, getting up on his own as he started yelling, “What the hell was that? Iguro, you could’ve died just now!”

Obanai stared again for a moment, caught off-guard with his hand still hovering in the air. He took a breath and retracted his hand before he responded, “I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

Sanemi huffed, frustrated, “Damn right, you weren’t!” He walked away, pacing back and forth as he ranted, “You can’t pull this shit, Iguro, you’re better than this!”

Something about being scolded like that heightened Obanai’s defenses. glaring at Shinazugawa as he paced, Obanai hissed back, “I know that, dumbass. It won’t happen again”, he rolled his eyes as he turned to walk away, “Just let it go, Shinazugawa.”

That was the wrong thing to say, which Obanai unfortunately didn’t notice until Sanemi’s hand landed roughly on his shoulder, hard enough to let him know just how unwilling he was to move on from this, “Let it go? Are you kidding me?”

Oh, Sanemi was angry . Genuinely, truly upset by this. Something about the angry (hateful? No, Shinazugawa wouldn’t hate him, right?) hand touching him made Obanai uneasy, so he slipped out of the grasp, putting himself out of Sanemi’s reach and crossing his arms.

“I’m not”, he responded tersely, “I spaced out, alright? I don’t see how that’s any of your concern.”

Shinazugawa’s anger only flared, but he was smart enough to stay out of Iguro’s space lest he incur the wrath of the Serpent Hashira or the actual serpent on his shoulders. “You can’t just space out during a mission! You know that!”

Sanemi watched as Obanai’s defenses rose, his expression guarded as Kaburamaru drew back a bit, preparing to strike if necessary. Iguro’s hands clutched his own haori, something Sanemi recognized as an attempt to comfort himself.

He sighed. Fighting wouldn’t get them anywhere, he knew that, but Sanemi had never been good at quelling his anger. He tried to calm down before he next spoke, but his tone was still too angry and his posture too tense.

“What on earth could be so important ”, Obanai grew impossibly more defensive as he listened, and Sanemi had to concentrate not to think about it too much, “that you spaced out during a mission?”

Obanai didn’t respond, still glaring at Sanemi but remaining quiet. He was just being stubborn now, but so was Sanemi, and neither of them would let this go anytime soon.

“You were looking at me”, Sanemi realized, not noticing how much smaller Obanai suddenly looked, “so, did I do something?”

This time, the lack of reply felt more like a confirmation. It only fueled the anger Sanemi had been trying to stifle, “What the fuck? What did I do?”

Perhaps yelling wasn’t the most sensible approach to the situation, but Sanemi was confused . Obanai still didn’t seem willing to share his thoughts, though.

He stopped glaring up at Sanemi, and that rejection made both of them feel horrible. Getting desperate, Sanemi walked closer to him, trying not to feel hurt when Obanai shrunk in on himself.

They stood there for a moment until that vulnerability in Iguro’s presence suddenly vanished, replaced by something much more guarded. Almost hostile, but in that cold and quiet way of his.

“Shinazugawa, just-“, Obanai sighed sharply, sounding utterly frustrated. His hands clutched his own haori even tighter as he turned away from Sanemi, “forget it. Let’s just get back to headquarters.”

He walked away, still holding himself and ignoring Kaburamaru’s tongue flicking next to his face. Sanemi stood there, confused. What just happened?

He snapped out of it rather quickly though, catching up to Obanai and attempting to reach his hand out, only for Iguro to swipe his hand away, accompanied by the snake’s hissing.

“No, wait-“, Sanemi tried, growing frustrated at Obanai’s avoidance, “what the hell is going on? Iguro, talk to me.”

Obanai just kept walking, shaking his head at Sanemi’s plea but remaining quiet. Kaburamaru looked back and forth between the two Hashira, looking a bit lost.

It was odd how the snake was even capable of that look, but Sanemi didn’t have time to question the reptile’s usual strange behavior.

If only he could get Obanai to stop and breathe for a second, to just talk this out for once, he could figure out what the hell was happening.

Determined, Sanemi sped up, appearing right in front of Obanai in an instant. The other man flinched when he did so, stopping in his tracks just before he could run into him.

“Shinazugawa, move.” Iguro demanded, glaring into his eyes for a moment. Sanemi didn’t budge, leveling him with hard stare.

They kept up the eye contact, both far too stubborn to be the first one to break it. In that moment, even angry and guarded and hurt, Obanai’s eyes were beautiful.

The thought felt out of place, given the situation, but Sanemi could never quite stop himself from appreciating the way Obanai looked.

His eyes may only look like two shades of gray to Sanemi, but he’d heard the others describe the gorgeous colors they actually were, golden and teal and nearly blind, but not any less mesmerizing.

It made Sanemi want to remember the colors he’d lost years ago, if only to see those eyes in all their glory.

Eventually, Obanai was the first to break eye contact. He was still unsteady and shaken, and witnessing the intensity with which Sanemi always looked at him was just too much.

He sharply turned his head, instead staring at the grass on the ground beside them.

Vaguely, he remembered easier times. When Kyojuro would drag him outside onto the grass and they’d look for clovers and flowers for hours at a time.

He wondered if Sanemi would enjoy that, too, but discarded the thought. It was childish, stupid .

Obanai still found himself enjoying the simple things in life, the things he never got to experience in the cage, even years after escaping, but that didn’t mean he should allow himself to indulge too much.

The flowers would wilt at his feet.

“What the hell is happening?” Sanemi questioned, exasperated as he snapped Obanai out of his thoughts. When he didn’t respond, Sanemi kept talking, “Iguro, I mean it. I don’t- I don’t get it.”

Studying Obanai’s expression, Sanemi saw a heavy sort of guilt in his eyes at the words. As if he didn’t mean to confuse or hurt Sanemi, like he hadn’t realized it, and now that thought felt crushing. He still didn’t look back up at the other, though.

Sanemi would love to see those eyes look at him right now. It would make him so much less confused, would make his heart feel less like it was getting stabbed.

He didn’t even understand why he felt that way, just that it was horrible and Iguro could make it go away.

Obanai looked overwhelmed as he shook his head again, squeezing his eyes shut as his fingers dug into his own arms, as if desperately trying to find something external to focus on instead. His haori and uniform were too thick, though, so he couldn’t dig his nails into his skin.

The realization only seemed to overwhelm him even more , his breathing growing unsteady as he kept his eyes closed. He still refused to speak, which only worried Sanemi more.

This wasn’t the first time he’d witnessed one of these moments. Obanai got them sometimes, the times when he got so stuck in his head, when his thoughts and fears were too much for him to process.

( “You didn’t have to do that” , Iguro had told him once, still shaken after one of those moments, “but thanks. You helped me.”

“I didn’t even do anything.” Sanemi had protested, only to be caught off-guard by Obanai huffing a breath of laughter, embarrassed.

“This sounds stupid” , he admitted before sighing, “but it was just… you. Your presence. That was enough for me.”)

“Hey, okay”, Sanemi spoke again, the realization of what was happening softening his tone, “try to breathe, alright?”

Hesitantly, he put his hands on Obanai’s arms, relieved when he didn’t flinch or brush him off.

That meant this wasn’t too bad, that he wasn’t so stuck in his thoughts, his memories, that he couldn’t recognize Sanemi. Those moments always terrified both of them more than they cared to admit.

He guided Iguro to sit down on a nearby log, joining him soon after and never losing his hold on him. Obanai’s own hands were in a vice grip on his arms, and Sanemi knew he couldn’t pry them away, no matter how much he wanted to.

He also knew that, if Obanai couldn’t feel him, couldn’t have some physical reminder of his presence, he’d lose it. Keeping the hold on his arms, Sanemi couldn’t do much more than wait for Obanai’s breathing to even out.

He’d tried guiding him before, trying to get Obanai to listen to his voice and focus on his breathing, but that was rarely successful. The attempt didn’t seem worth it, so Sanemi stuck to his silence.

Kaburamaru, who hadn’t moved off of his spot around Obanai’s shoulders, nudged his friend every once in a while, but remained calm otherwise. This was nothing new, unfortunately, and Obanai didn’t seem distressed enough to warrant any more panic.

The next few minutes passed in silence. It felt suffocating, and Sanemi was still confused, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave his friend hanging right now.

He may not be the kindest , but he wasn’t the cruelest , either, and Obanai didn’t deserve any more cruelty than he’d already experienced.

Obanai was far too good for that, in Sanemi’s opinion.

Eventually, his breathing evened out, and the tightness in his body unwinded slowly.

Hesitantly, Obanai leaned his head against Sanemi’s chest before relaxing fully, silently delighted when he wasn’t pushed off.

It wasn’t often that he allowed himself this, to experience such kindness and softness. He craved it, but he couldn’t let himself let go like that. Shinazugawa always made it easier, though.

Sanemi only stared at the sudden contact, wide-eyed and unsure, before taking his hands off Obanai’s arms, wrapping them around his back instead.

He could feel his own face heating up at the closeness, but he was also so relieved .

Whatever was happening between them right now, at least Iguro still felt safe around him. At least he wasn’t losing his closest friend.

Obanai opened his eyes, not that Sanemi could see that from his angle, and turned his head away a bit.

He wanted to be close to Sanemi, to feel his warmth and take in his scent, but that didn’t mean he wanted to stare right at the guy’s chest.

Well, he wouldn’t be opposed to that, but it would probably be a bit awkward, given the conversation he knew they needed to have.

As much as he’d love to talk about anything else, to pretend none of this ever even happened, he knew how unfair that would be to Shinazugawa.

For all of his confidence, the Wind Hashira was infamously bad at this kind of stuff. Feelings, relationships, god forbid romance , and Obanai had sprung that onto him with far too little warning, even if he hadn’t realized it yet. It wasn’t fair, at all.

In any other situation, it would be a bit funny, now that Obanai thought about it. How Sanemi, raised with so much love by his mother and alongside his siblings, knew so little of the romantic aspects of it, while the unloved sacrifice beside him painstakingly learned it all.

They both knew of hate, at least. Obanai was terrified to think that hate could be what their relationship would devolve into, should he misspeak.

Burning, painful hatred seeping into their skin, their flesh, their very blood and bones, to ruin everything they’ve worked for. All those years of friendship, of trust and support and love , buried in the soil of hell itself, like it never meant anything in the first place.

(Sanemi wouldn’t hate him. He hated demons, terribly, and a select few humans, but he was too kind deep down. Despite his behavior, he couldn’t even bring himself to hate his brother.

Sanemi was too loving to ever truly hate someone he once cared for. He could be indifferent, though, and Obanai feared that would be much worse.)

Obanai was snapped out of his thoughts, thank God , by Sanemi shifting slightly. Worried he’d overstepped, Obanai tried to shift away from the other, only to be held in place by his arms.

Oh . He was trying to get comfortable , prepared to stay in this position for as long as Obanai needed it.

Sanemi was too good. He was too weirdly okay with Obanai’s quirks, far too willing to accommodate on a whim.

It made Obanai feel a bit sick, to be cared for like this, but he pushed it down. He’d worried Sanemi more than enough for one day.

Forcing himself to take a deep breath, both because breathing seemed relatively important and because it would give him a chance to take in just a bit of Sanemi , Obanai spoke, his voice so quiet that no one but Shinazugawa could catch it.

“I’m sorry”, he said, pausing when he felt Sanemi stiffen, “I shouldn’t have said that. Any of it.”

He felt more than heard the other sigh, breathing as if he was trying to keep his anger in check.

Somehow, Obanai rarely felt threatened by Sanemi’s anger. There was always something protective wrapped up in his rage, and even on the rare occasions he’d direct that anger towards Obanai, it never felt cruel.

“What was all of that even about?” Shinazugawa questioned, his voice somewhere between angry and confused. The confusion stung Obanai more than the anger, somehow.

Thinking about it, Obanai had two options here. Maybe more than that, really, but his heart was racing too much and his thoughts were too scrambled for him to think of more.

He could deny everything, say it was just a slip of his tongue and he didn’t even know what all of that was about, that he just had an off day and they should forget all about it.

He could protect Sanemi, in a way, from Obanai’s own demons. From rotten hands and hateful eyes.

Or, and this option made his stomach flutter with nerves and sickness and a giddy feeling he didn’t quite know how to feel about, he could confess . He could spill his guts to Shinazugawa and risk losing his closest friend.

He could drag Sanemi down with him, could infect him with the rot simmering beneath his skin, all for the sake of his own selfish desires.

He hated how badly he wanted to go with the second option.

“Iguro?” Sanemi questioned after the silence went on for too long. God , Obanai was horrible. He’d caused so many problems already, had left his- his friend confused and scattered, and now he’d left him waiting for an answer.

Resisting the urge to apologize once more, because he knew Sanemi hated when people apologized too much and he really, really didn’t want to upset him any more, Obanai sighed heavily.

As much as it hurt to do so, as much as he yearned to hang onto the comfort the embrace brought him, Obanai sat up, away from sanemi’s warmth. The other let him go without protest, too confused and worried to do anything about it.

Sanemi watched as Obanai ran a hand over his face, rubbing at his eyes as if to wake himself up. Kaburamaru poked at the bandages on his companion’s face and looked relieved when Obanai stopped bis previous motions to pet him.

Iguro quickly glanced up at Sanemi before his gaze returned to the ground, nervous in a way he rarely let show. It made Sanemi feel uneasy, but he didn’t think it would be fair to tell Obanai that.

He wanted to tell him that it was okay , that he didn’t have to say anything else, that they should just head back to headquarters like they had originally planned. Just as he opened his mouth to do just that, though, Obanai spoke up.

“I’m going to tell you something”, he warned, trying to keep his voice strong despite looking like he was about to fall over, “and you don’t need to say anything. If you want to, you can, but you can stay silent if you want.”

Sanemi nodded along to the instructions. He was still concerned, honestly, and he wasn’t sure if he could respond properly to whatever Iguro was about to tell him.

He also wasn’t sure if Obanai even saw him nodding, but he continued on anyway, “Afterwards, we’ll go back to headquarters, and you can-“, he cut himself off when his voice broke, but collected himself quickly, his voice much quieter, “you can pretend like none of this ever happened. We can just move on and forget about this.”

He knew he should stay quiet, to let Iguro talk without interrupting, if only because of how rare it was for him to speak this much all at once, but this was confusing and Sanemi was worried and his worry always ended up becoming anger .

So, against his better judgment, he clicked his tongue as he stood up, his tone too loud and angry in comparison to Obanai’s quiet resolve, “Why the fuck would I do that?”

Sanemi noticed Obanai flinch at the sudden outburst, but he did his best to ignore the way his heart twinged at the action.

“Iguro, this is-“, God, he’d hate himself for this later , “none of this makes any fucking sense! You’ve been acting weird for weeks now! And now you’re telling me to just forget about it? What the hell?”

More defensive than angry, Obanai rose up from his seat, trying to match Sanemi’s volume and ignore how much his own hands were shaking, “You don’t even know what this is about-“

“So tell me!” Sanemi yelled, cutting Obanai off. It stopped Obanai in his tracks. Shinazugawa never cut him off. If anything, he always encouraged him to speak his mind more.

This was new , and Obanai hated it.

The realization hit Sanemi too late, only when he paused to look at Iguro and saw him staring back at him, far too still as he did so. They stared at each other for a moment, both unsure of how to proceed, before Iguro took a shaky breath.

“I didn’t want to tell you this”, his voice was so quiet that Sanemi had to strain to hear it, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask the other to speak up, “because I…”

Obanai stepped towards Sanemi, just a bit. Not nearly close enough to touch, but trying to close the distance between them. If this was about the actual physical distance between them or something else, Sanemi didn’t know.

“I care about you a lot, Shinazugawa.”

Sanemi knew this . Iguro cared about him, and he cared about Iguro. This shouldn’t surprise him.

But something about the way Iguro said it made his heart stutter.

“And I shouldn’t, honestly, because you deserve something, or-“, Obanai’s arms came back up to hold himself like before, the crossed arms disguising the false hug he was holding himself in, “or someone much better than me, but I can’t stop this and I’m sorry .”

His voice broke again at the sorry , and Sanemi was helpless as Obanai’s hands gripped his own arms with enough force to turn his knuckles white.

“Iguro-“

“Don’t.” Obanai hissed, cutting him off much like Sanemi had done just moments prior. Neither of them had it in themselves to be upset about it, though.

After taking a deep breath, trying to hold himself steady, Obanai continued, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Kaburamaru’s hold around Obanai’s neck tightening as the snake nuzzled his head against his cheek, trying to offer some level of comfort until his head was pushed aside by gentle, shaking fingers.

“I care about you”, Obanai repeated, taking a moment to blink away the tears that were starting to gather in the corners of his eyes. Sanemi wanted to get closer, to wipe those tears away with all the kindness his hands could muster, but he couldn’t move before Obanai blurted out, “as more than just a friend.”

For a moment, it felt like the world had stopped turning.

As more than just a friend?

Perhaps a little dumbly, Sanemi wracked his brain for what that could even mean , before he realized. Somehow, if it was even possible, his eyes got even wider as he stared at Obanai.

Oh , he thought, Obanai cared about him like…

Sanemi could swear he was hearing Masachika’s voice in the back of his mind, teasing his absolute inability to understand anything related to this kind of stuff unless it was thrown directly in his face.

Maybe, if he had listened to his idiot of a brother whenever he spoke of these things, he’d actually know what to do in this moment.

Because honestly, now that Iguro confronted him with his own messy pile of feelings, Sanemi realized that maybe, just maybe , those feelings weren’t as one-sided as he seemed to fear.

He couldn’t help but remember the hours they’d spent sparring, talking, going on missions, or just existing in each other’s space, never minding each other’s company nearly as much as they did everyone else’s.

He remembered the moments of vulnerability, when Sanemi could complain about whatever was on his mind, or talk about his family, or worry about Genya, when Obanai would just listen . Sometimes he’d tease him or offer advice, but more often than not, he was just there .

A steady presence, someone’s whose mere existence was enough to help Sanemi through a bad day.

He never knew how Iguro did it, how he always knew what to do and when to do it and how to help whenever anything was happening, but he did.

And Sanemi knew, somehow , that Obanai felt the same way about him. It was written in his actions, now that Sanemi actually thought about it for longer than a second.

It was written in the way he always sought out Sanemi, or how he seemed to hold his words in such high regard, or how he’d jump to Sanemi’s defense no matter how many times he told him that he didn’t need to.

He’d always assumed that Iguro was simply a good person, inherently empathetic and protective of those he cared about. That was still true, of course, but it was only now that he realized just how much more he did those things for Sanemi.

Sanemi was more blind than Himejima at this rate.

Obanai, meanwhile, had taken to staring at the ground at his feet again.

He shouldn’t have said that. He should’ve never told Shinazugawa. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut and his desires locked up.

Those rotten hands were digging into his flesh, nails clawing at his bones and leaving him splintered and broken. He thought he felt blood run down his limbs, but the rational part of him knew he was just imagining that.

Even so, he felt filthy.

This is it , was all he could think. This would destroy everything he’d built with Sanemi, all of the hard-earned respect and trust and love that they both had trouble coming to terms with.

It was Obanai’s fault, for being so selfish. He never knew when to quit, and people always got hurt when that happened.

Distantly, he was aware of Kaburamaru trying to get his attention, but he couldn’t force himself to placate his friend.

He hated how much he always made everyone worry about him. Shinazugawa had spent this whole time confused and concerned because of him , and now Kaburamaru was getting nervous.

Worst of all, Sanemi still hadn’t reacted. Obanai would’ve felt if he’d moved, would’ve heard if he spoke. He couldn’t make himself look up, not with the weight of his guilt wearing him down and the hands keeping him rooted where he stood, but he thought Sanemi must be furious .

Disgusted, maybe.

Obanai never minded Sanemi’s anger, he even found an odd sense of comfort in it at times, but the thought of facing that rage right now, no matter which shape it took, felt utterly crushing.

With a sharp breath, Obanai forced himself to move.

The hands were still holding on too tight and he was sure one wrong step would lead him right down to hell alongside them, but he couldn’t just stand there and wait for a reaction.

His steps felt unsteady, but he forced himself to walk past Sanemi, hoping to just walk home and forget all about this.

He felt horrible about it but at times likes these, Obanai almost felt jealous of Tokito’s amnesia. Should he ruin one of the most important relationships in his life with a single sentence, at least he wouldn’t be able to remember it.

Suddenly aware of his own hands still clutching his arms, Obanai released the hold and shook his hands out briefly, trying to get rid of the urge he felt to hold himself again.

It was an annoyingly obvious way to comfort himself, and he truly didn’t deserve it. He focused on the path in front of him instead.

Obanai felt his breathing grow unsteady as he walked, and it made him feel ridiculous. He was a Hashira , for fuck’s sake, yet he couldn’t even breathe normally when he got a little anxious.

He couldn’t focus on that, though, or on how lightheaded he felt or how his vision was even more blurry than usual, obscured by what he chose to pretend weren’t tears. He just focused on the path, and tried to hold himself together.

He was pulled out of his self-loathing by the sound of footsteps behind him. His body tensed when Shinazugawa caught up to him, walking beside him in silence. Obanai didn’t let himself stop, even when a hand came to rest on his shoulder.

A living hand, warm and comforting and so distinctly not rotten or cruel. It made the tears in his eyes double, but he refused to let them fall.

Shinazugawa didn’t speak, but it was clearly him . Obanai had memorized the shape of his hand, the feeling of security whenever they touched. It was so different from the hands he was used to, and it took all of his self-control not to lean into it.

Obanai heard Sanemi click his tongue when he didn’t get a reaction, but the Wind Hashira was nothing if not determined.

Slowly, gentle in his movements as if giving Obanai the chance to pull away, Sanemi allowed the hand previously clutching Obanai’s shoulder to trail down until their hands met.

Shinazugawa intertwined their hands loosely, and Obanai could swear his heart gave out for a second. His eyes fell to their hands in disbelief, before he turned his head to gape at Sanemi.

He wasn’t looking at him, but Obanai could tell he looked… nervous. It was an unusual expression on his face, and Obanai wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

But this meant something . This was Sanemi reaching out, despite what had just transpired.

They’d long since grown comfortable with shared physical contact between each other, those small actions coming easy to them when they were with someone who understood them, but holding hands wasn’t something they’d indulged in before. It always felt a little too personal, weirdly enough. 

Obanai couldn’t speak if he tried. His throat felt like it had closed up the second he spoke the words of his confession, so he couldn’t ask outright, but it almost felt like… like Sanemi reciprocated those feelings.

He had to test this, to get a reaction out of Sanemi somehow. Experimentally, Obanai squeezed his hand, trying to put affection into the touch.

Shinazugawa’s eyes lit up, for just a second, and Obanai thought he was hallucinating when he saw red on his face, before he squeezed back.

If it weren’t for their locked hands, Obanai was sure he would’ve stopped in his tracks. Instead, he just kept looking at Sanemi, hoping the tears in his eyes weren’t too obvious even as Sanemi kept his gaze away.

It would be embarrassing, if he were to break down crying from holding hands , and he’d embarrassed himself more than enough for one day.

After another moment of walking, Sanemi finally turned his head to look at him, his eyes so much softer than usual. It felt nice, to have someone look at him like that, and Obanai tried not to hate himself for it.

Sanemi stopped walking, and Obanai stopped beside him, unable to take his eyes away.

They were both quiet as they looked at each other, their hands still intertwined and neither of them willing to let go.

Shinazugawa made the first move, turning to face Obanai fully and bringing his other hand up to his face.

After hesitating briefly, Sanemi cupped Obanai’s face kindly. Obanai froze, his face heating up at the contact. Scarred fingers brushed his bandages briefly before landing under one of his eyes, tender as his thumb came up to wipe the tears away.

It made Obanai want to sob , the relief finally setting in, but he restrained himself. He couldn’t quite stop himself from leaning into the hand cupping his face, though, sighing softly as he nuzzled against it. Sanemi paused before huffing a soft laugh.

Obanai closed his eyes, content and tired. If they weren’t standing in the middle of some dirt road in the middle of nowhere, he figured he could fall asleep like this. He was sure Sanemi would keep the nightmares away.

They’d have to keep going eventually. They were still expected back at headquarters to report their mission, after all.

Soon, they’d have to return to their responsibilities and put their façades back on. They’d return to being the people they made themselves out to be, aggressive and cold and guarded, only ever letting a few people see who they were beneath the surface.

For now, at least, they let themselves stay there. They allowed themselves a moment away from the blood on their hands and the guilt in their hearts.

Neither of them knew what would come after this. For a moment, that was just fine with them, though.