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“This won't work.”
Again, words of refusal. Again, after all his efforts to regain her trust, this is all he gets. It wasn't that he blamed her or didn't understand her actions; in fact, he understood them very well and was ready to accept them.
He thought he would be fine.
He didn't know that in the end his feelings would be against his current plan and actions.
But he wasn't sure he could fix it anymore. He had done everything he could to set up their meeting now. He had cut off his connection with Ichinose, late, but he had done it. It hadn't been good for either of them.
And now he stands here, in front of the girl he was truly attached to all this time. He knows how much he hurt her, he knows that their relationship has long since shattered into many pieces.
But he wants to try. To try... to feel only good emotions this time. This year has been too hard, too much pressure, and despite everything, he is still a teenager after all.
He's only recently started realizing it. It's only recently that something weird has started happening to him. The negativity, the toxicity, the hostility, these unhealthy relationships that he's gotten himself into... it's starting to weigh on him, really. All this uncertainty; heck, he doesn't even know what he's planning or wanting anymore.
He began to miss his old life. He began to miss the first year here; he didn't know that would be possible. Everything is different now, all the people around him are different, all the relationships around him are different; absolutely everything is different.
And the fact that it's all his fault doesn't help at all.
He couldn't have imagined that he would give up everything himself. He wasn't supposed to become the class leader in the first place; Sakayanagi was a better candidate for that role. It would have been better if he had stayed there, but with a quiet life and most importantly... still by her side.
The realization came; he wasted his time here.
At what point did it all go wrong? He himself doesn't remember anymore. What's wrong with his memories? Does he forget things? Or does he not want to remember them?
For the first time he tries to stay on his feet. He ran, ran to her, to finally see her beautiful red eyes again. She was shining among all the people around; beckoning him to her. But he could no longer touch or even think about their future, she had already decided everything.
Little drops appeared more and more on his face and clothes, until it seemed to him that it did not concern her at all.
“Wait...” he tried to start a conversation, but she sighed tiredly, making it clear that she didn't want to hear it. She was probably tired of him by now and was trying her best not to say it to his face.
She shook her head. “Sometimes you have to accept certain things. I'm sorry, Ayanōkoji-kun, but this is just how it has to be.”
No. He shouldn't let it go. He shouldn't give up and just walk away like he usually did before. Now, he no longer wanted to accept this reality. Take everything from him, but let him be with her at least a little longer.
“No,” he said quietly, as if trying to convince not her, but himself. “Actually, I-”
He stopped himself for a second, deciding to think about his further words. He was ready to do it. He was ready to tell her absolutely everything. He was ready to tell everything he knew about himself.
“We can fix everything,” he was nervous, but he kept trying to suppress it. “There is still a chance and time. I, I want to tell you.”
She arched an eyebrow, looking slightly puzzled. “And what do you mean now?”
He no longer understood what he meant. Maybe he wasn't ready to tell her everything and this was just an excuse for her to stay here longer. So they can talk again...
Just like before. Just like in more or less calm times.
He knew that deep down, his desire to talk to her even about the most useless things would not go away. They were still there, in his heart.
These thoughts never stopped. When he was in his new class, when he was thinking about his plans, when he was with Ichinose... while physically he was there, mentally he was still in the past. And now, he didn’t even try to hide it from himself. He accepted this reality, he accepted his feelings, which he had previously tried to avoid.
He became a man who, for the first time, acted on his feelings rather than logic.
“At that time...” it was becoming more and more difficult to speak, and for the first time he felt a lump in his throat, “At that time, at the end of the second year, when I hinted to you about that... I was sincere.”
He looked up at her with determination, now feeling confident. “Everything that happened before, I was sincere. In everything. That smile, my proposal about meaningless conversations, my... in general, all of this. I want you to know this while we still have time. Before it’s too late...”
Now she looked at him only with slight sympathy, with the same empty eyes. He hoped that at least this would convince her... but only a small part seemed to have an effect on her.
At that moment he understood. He won't be able to fix everything anymore. Not him, it was too late for him now.
“I’m glad,” she suddenly blurted out, which really shocked him, “I’m also grateful to you for everything. I... also appreciated your company at that time, in fact. I also really loved our conversations, wanted our conversations...”
Some kind of hope settled in his soul.
“But unfortunately, I also began to appreciate it too late,” she admitted, never stopping to look into his eyes. “And I also regret it. I regret how I treated you at the very beginning, I regret that I was so proud that I could not admit to myself that you can be dear to me and that I really appreciate your company.”
She smiled bitterly, and it seemed to him that her eyes sparkled.
“I’m just like you,” she summed it all up without hesitation, “I realized my feelings late.”
He stared at her, for the first time in such shock. He didn't quite understand it all. What feelings did she mean?...
“What you...”
“But the man I loved once, but was afraid to admit to myself, has been gone a long time ago.”
He opened his eyes wide, realizing her words. He always expressed more emotions around her, but he never had even that. During this time, he was shocked too many times without having time to analyze everything. He was no longer sure that this needed to be analyzed somehow. Extra analyzes of the situation may not be necessary here.
He opened his mouth and now didn’t know what to say.
It hurt him. It really hurt. But he knew it hurt her a lot more when it dawned on her that she was absolutely right.
The man who just wanted a quiet life is no longer there.
He really ruined himself even more when he wanted the opposite result, didn't he?
He wanted a quiet life; everything turned out the other way around.
He wanted to correct some people; but in the end he ruined some of them.
He wanted to be close to her; but in the end he was far from her, destroying her trust and their contact.
He destroyed absolutely everything, he spoiled absolutely everything. Everyone and everything he touched.
But the main thing...
He ruined himself and dug his own grave even more.
It wasn't Ichinose's fault in their relationship, it wasn't the fault of all those who are against him and who want to crush him, it wasn't even his father's fault. He knew that now he could be even worse than him.
He didn't think he would ever think like that.
He was the problem in everything.
After standing for what seemed like an eternity with a shocked look, she finally spoke, smiling again.
“Thank you for everything,” her voice was sincere and gentle, but he could no longer pay attention to it. She definitely noticed his current state, but decided not to ask about it, apparently not wanting to waste her time on him anymore. “I mean that. But you already decided everything from the beginning.”
Those were her last words before walking away without even looking back. The rain was heavier now, as was his inner conflict.
They could have it. They could be...
He was ready to tell her, he was ready to give her a piece of himself that he hid so much from the world.
But even here, he ended up getting screwed.
It hit harder than even one defeat would have hit. It's definitely... more painful. It hurt more than the damn knife that got stuck in his hand a long time ago.
He clenched his fists, now looking only at the wet asphalt. Feeling unusually dizzy, it began to seem to him that now it was not only the asphalt that was wet.
Maybe his clothes too. Maybe his hair too, now that it's raining. Maybe his knees too, when he unconsciously falls on them, as if accepting the most humiliating defeat. Maybe...
Cheeks that haven't looked like this in a long time.
And as if hearing heavy breathing and painful sounds, he forgot where he was and who he was, among the audible steps next to him and the sound of rain.
The main thing is that now everything around him in his world was wet. Even himself.
-
She didn't want to regret it, she didn't want to break down and run back.
But this time, she decided that she would now fight her pride, not letting it get in her way.
She turned, imperceptibly, but she turned. Not for the sake of interest, but for the sake of herself and her feelings, which never disappeared.
She saw wet clothes and a lonely creature sitting and sobbing.
Now he wasn't the only one whose eyes were opened today.
But it was at that moment, when she decided to run away rather than run back as she had originally wanted, that she realized;
To some extent, she was also a coward.