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Caitlyn woke up in cold sweat. She jolted up, her heart racing. She felt, for a moment, as if she was going to die. As if her heart would jump right out her chest and fall into her silky sheets where she laid. Her eyes were wide and her hands shook. Her rational thinking told her, after believing for a second she might be having a heart or anxiety attack, that she just woke up from a bad dream. A nightmare that wouldn’t leave her alone.
She only fully confirmed to be awake when she felt gentle yet big hands touch her slim shoulders. Caitlyn looked to her side and instantly her shoulders became more relaxed, her breathing less hitched and eyes soft. It was Violet, sitting up to meet her gaze and check on her. “Another one, cupcake?” Vi smiled softly, squeezing her lover’s shoulder.
The Kiramman sighed and tried to give back a weak smile, but quickly turned to look at her own hands, as if in shame. “I cannot run away from it, it seems. I’m sorry, I know you keep waking up due to it, nearly every night.”
It had been around three months since the war happened. Yet, Caitlyn’s mind still seemed like it never left it. Vi brought her immense peace and, with Sevika taking over the Kiramman’s position within the Council, she had much more time for her lover and herself. However, Caitlyn suffered silently. And slowly. It was a battle within herself, even more difficult than wrestling with a knife stabbed into her, she felt.
Vi forgave her and Caitlyn forgave herself… as much as she could. It was a process, something that the couple reminded each other often. It wasn’t a perfect process, however. Caitlyn would often catch Vi sobbing, thinking about her last moments with Vander and her sister. While Vi externalized it, Caitlyn kept it all inside, trying as much as she could to deal with it herself. The Kiramman had always been used to doing so, anyway.
But it was different now. Whenever Caitlyn jolted awake, scared, Vi would wrap herself around her with her big arms, pet her softly and tell her it’s ok. But they tried not to go deeply into how she felt, after all, Vi didn’t want to push her boundaries. And Caitlyn knew that too well, to an extent it made her feel guilt.
She sighed and set her head against Vi’s broad shoulders, who responded by bringing Caitlyn closer, rubbing her side with her hands. “I… I cannot let go of the fact I could be dead that day. It’s… At the moment, I thought ‘so be it’. But now, the more we live, the more we do, the more we see together… Violet, I don’t know how I could ever accept it,” Caitlyn’s voice was heavy and full of sorrow. Vi furrowed her eyebrows and was about to speak, but her lover interrupted, “I was selfish to think I could ever die happily without seeing you wake up, happy, by my side at least once. I’m sorry for being so foolish,” And with that, Caitlyn threw herself in Vi’s embrace, tears starting to fall. She cried quietly, unlike Vi. It was almost as if she wasn’t even there.
Vi instantly held her, rubbing her back. She could tell Cait was choked up. She cried and cried, rubbing her face on Vi’s chest, feeling her warmth. After a bit, Vi spoke, “You know there isn’t a reason for you to say sorry, Cait. You did what you could. And what you had to. And you’re here now, yea?” Vi gently held her face, looking down onto her teary eyes, before placing a kiss on the top of her head.
“At the same time I… Constantly blame myself. For letting it nearly happen. And even if… I’m here… Jayce…” Caitlyn’s crying picked up again, hiding her face against Vi. It was hard to hear his name. Vi knew too well, Jayce was so close to Caitlyn. And yet… The last few times they saw each other, it was as if it wasn’t him at all anymore. “I… I am so happy with you. Please do not take this badly. You-”
Vi stopped her, rubbing her cheek. “Cait. You don’t need to explain yourself. I know. I know way too much about losing. You are allowed to feel this way, even if everyday has been amazing together.”
Caitlyn blinked her eye a few times and breathed in and out, trying to calm herself down, before pushing Vi gently away. She smiled weakly, “I feel like the aftermath… Not a day later or a week, but now, months passed, now I truly process how much everything hurt me. Hurt us.”
Vi grabbed her hand, rubbing it gently. “Cupcake… I’m proud of you for opening up. You know you don’t have to bottle so much with me.”
The other woman sighed, sitting on the edge of bed now. She thought for a moment what to say. Caitlyn thought maybe she should explain herself, again. After all, it could come off as if she didn’t trust Vi with her feelings. But Vi knew her too well by now, like an open book. “Thank you,” That’s all she said before she cleared her throat and looked back, hair slightly messy and eyes somewhat reddish from crying, “Do you care for a 3 AM tea?”
Vi smiled, “With you? Always.”