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"N-nope. Nope. Wh-snrk-what was that?"
"What? What? I repeated it! Beep for kriffing beep! What do you want from me?"
"You're-you're not supposed to try to speak it, Finn. That's-that's pretty-oh, wow."
Finn could feel Poe shaking behind him, and gave him an elbow in the stomach for the trouble. Not that it stopped his snickering. Jerk.
His other tutor wasn't much better. BB-8 might not be laughing, but the small droid wasn't helping much either. It was currently rolling in circles around the room, paying little attention to their irate pupil.
"Have you ever heard a person speak droid?"
"Well, no, but-will you shut up-but I haven't heard a lot of things, thank you very much! How was I supposed to know?"
"I've never done it. None of the people at the infirmary did it. I'm sure Loqui has never-oh, oh, can you imagine her? Straight faced and grim, throwing out little chirps-" And he was off again. Finn contemplated the merits of suffocation via pillow, if only to muffle Poe's cackling.
"Yes, oh wise teacher, I get it. No one actually speaks to droids like droids except for droids. Thank you. So much." Finn sighed. "I've lost one teacher to boredom and the other to a laughing fit. This is great."
"Hey." He could feel Poe's grin against his neck. His breath tickled. "It isn't easy, picking up a new language. Alien tongues are difficult enough. This one wasn't even created by creatures with mouths or tongues or any of the things that makes our speeches distinct. And I'm definitely not the best person to be teaching it. I was raised around all sorts of droids with different dialects. It's a second nature to me, and I'm not entirely sure how to teach you. And no, it wasn't that stupid-but it was really funny. Sorry." He rubbed circles into Finn's stomach.
"S'fine." Finn grumbled. Pillowy vengeance could wait. "It still seems kind so-strange, trying to translate these noises. Like the droids are saying something that's-I don't know, mathematical or something, and we're trying to simplify it."
"Oh! I think I know how to go about this. " Poe straightened himself against the wall, pulling Finn with him. "You're right about the mathematical bit, to an extent, but that isn't how you should start. At least, it's not how I remember starting out. BeeBee, tell me about one of your tasks today."
BB-8 pivoted, and came to a stop. It produced a range of whistles, and clicked once.
"Okay, ignore the sounds. What did you get from that?"
"He...gave a report? Hey!"
Poe poked him again. "No, no, not what you got from what I asked him. Tell me what you saw."
"BeeBee-talking?" Finn mulled it over in his head. "Just talking...he didn't move. And I don't think there was anything else-oh!" He twisted to look at Poe. "He wasn't doing any of the other things he usually does. There wasn't any tone or attitude or anything. Watch and listen for little ticks from the droid. Is that what you're getting at? Use the expressions as a starting point?" He was rewarded with a squeeze around the middle.
"Yes! Emotion is key. You'd think it would be harder to do with droids, but for some reason nobody has created one without imprinting some sort of personality. Everyone's got a complex, I guess. But without fail, they've all got some sort of personality and set of emotions. If you get to know a droid, you can get a grasp on their moods. And that will help you understand the speech It sounds corny, I know, but it really does work."
"No, I see it. I can remember a few times sort of getting BeeBee's mood from him sounding a bit insulting."
"My droid, insulting? BeeBee, have you been saying mean things?" Poe held a hand to his chest at his droid's response, gasping in affront. "I don't care how you met and what happened when you lot were off gallivanting and foiling the bad guys, play nice! Don't you want to keep your new roommate?"
Finn had a feeling whatever BB-8 said wasn't well-mannered, from the way Poe was beginning to flush.
"What did he say?" Poe shook his head and tried to wriggle away. Finn simply dropped backwards and pinned him with his weight. "C'mon, what was it?"
It wasn't fair. If anyone got to make Poe blush, it should be him. BB-8 was talking again and-
"Okay!" Poe said loudly, covering his ears. "Okay, BeeBee, thanks for the help, I know you've got lots of things to do and we won't keep you. Finn, it's time for bed, right? Lots of progress, I'm exhausted from all of this progress, let's go to bed. Good night, BeeBee!" What in the world was that droid saying to provoke that reaction?
---
Meatbags were ridiculous. Even the superb ones that had excellent tastes in droid companionship seemed to have some dysfunction to their systems. It was a truly peculiar thing for two organisms to show true compatibility and a willingness to mate, yet refuse to fulfill a very basic need. And proceed to react with dismay should the proper course of action be proposed by an intelligent third party.
Perhaps not suggested in the most tasteful manner, but the potential mate in question was a rather good one that showed an appreciation for the obvious embarrassment of his master. And BB-8 considered himself to be a giving droid.
Coexisting in a group full of meatbags of relatively youthful ages had increased knowledge on this topic. The shower suggestion showed some promise. He would have to make that recommendation. It would be clever, as cleaning and preparation necessities would be minimized. Meatbags had a tendency to be delicate and over-fastidious with these things. Still, BB-8 was sure Finn would like that one. If the meatbag ever learned to comprehend, BB-8 would certainly share.
---
Poe nudged a protesting BB out the door with his foot. It was rude, perhaps, but the droid earned it. That last comment...
Maybe it would be best to convince Finn to drop the lessons.
No, he was too curious now.
This was not going to end well.