Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I love the winter weather

So the two of us can get together

There's nothing sweeter, finer

When it's nice and cold

I can hold my baby closer to me

And collect the kisses that are due me

- "Love to Keep Me Warm" Laufey, Dodie

December 15th, 1985

A voice crackled into Castiel's ears, snapping him out of his thoughts. The thoughts sounded so close to a prayer that when his hands loosened their grip, he hadn't even noticed how tight he held onto himself. His hands settled, still shaking, as he lifted himself up to leave. The voice belonged to his sister, Anna, or at least that's what he thought, he couldn't tell the difference between his family members anymore.

"Ready to leave? Don't want to miss the nice dinner Dad cooked for us," Anna joked, bouncing on her heels, a nervous habit she never really got over although she truly is more confident than ever now. Castiel fiddled with his coat pockets and gave her a nod. She knew he wasn't particularly up to jokes at the moment, so she let him lead the way to the car. She shivered and climbed into the back seat while Castiel hesitated. Soon enough he picked up the pace and climbed into the passenger seat.

Although their family was never really the most stable, they always managed to drive together to Christmas dinner peacefully. However as soon as they finished saying grace and let go of each other's hands, believing that maybe this could be the one dinner they could remain civil, the eldest at the table are at each other's throats. They decided to sit silently, a wise decision to not stir up controversy.

"Heard someone's moving in there, setting up a new shop. I've no clue what it is but I heard they're Devil worshippers," the youngest sister, Hannah, broke their implicit rule almost instantly when they passed an empty building covered in boxes. Rumor spreads quite quickly in towns like these and a good dysfunctional family loves a bad rumor.

"You shouldn't assume someone's belief based on pesky rumors made by people who don't know a thing about anything important," Castiel scolded, "You know better than that, Hannah."

"Why, Castiel you're starting to sound a lot like them you know. I don't think Christmas dinner is going to appreciate sissies like they do," his brother, Gabriel, teased supportively, although he never sounds like it, "You've probably read 'Moby Dick' more times than the Bible!"

All Castiel could do was roll his eyes in protest and think how untrue that statement is. In reality, Castiel did read it more than the Bible. He felt guilty about it, as if it was sin. Sometimes when his family wasn't paying attention during dinner, he would sneak a copy out of his pocket and read his favorite lines over and over again until the words on the page didn't sound like words anymore.

They decided to cease their petty argument, hoping to save energy for dinner. The overwhelming silence was almost enough for Castiel but the buzzing beat of Hannah's Walkman playing Bruce Springsteen’s greatest hits sullied it. She mouthed the lyrics as if she were picturing herself on the stage. Castiel knew how well she sang, she took lessons when she was younger and joined the church choir, but her work distracted her, and she soon forgot her dreams to be on the big stage. Anna sat next to her looking half asleep and half on the verge of tears. She never did tell their parents about all those voices she hears in her head. She fears it may be Satan coming to take over her soul. Yet she confided in Castiel someday in late fall only two years back. Gabriel sat focused on the road. He never really owned this car, but their father had grown tired of it and allowed him to borrow it indefinitely. Gabriel just assumed indefinitely meant forever since he was never taught the meaning of the word. 

When they neared the house everyone in the car hurried to make themselves presentable. Supposing the others don't understand their true selves they can share freely with each other and each other alone. Though prejudices separate them as displayed only a bit ago, their shared bitterness for their family connected them. All four were merely failed experiments of their fathers, having their dreams silently crushed and somberly whisked away from them. Castiel knew somber all too well.

Gabriel parked next to their eldest brothers' car, which looked spotless compared to Gabriel's. They all climbed out of the car and slammed the doors as rebellious as one could in an exhausted state like theirs. Castiel tread behind them into the house holding a dessert he hadn't baked himself, but he wouldn't be around by the time actual Christmas day came around, so he brought a gift for today. 

They entered the dining room sharing short, faked hugs around the table. They exchanged hellos, 'nice to see you again's, and 'I'm glad you're here's to keep up the cheerful Christmasy facade. They sat, interlocked hands, closed their eyes, and began saying grace. Retracting his hand almost offensively, Castiel sat quietly waiting for the chaos to ensue. He was shocked when the chaos in question lay in his lap like they were playing hot potato, and he had to pass it on quickly before the fire from it burnt him so bad he just had to say something about it.

"So Castiel, have you found anyone special yet?" their father questioned, a simple question that he asked all his kids, but Castiel was different. Everyone at the table knew this, that's why the table went silent, and heads darted to look at him. 

Castiel never had much interest in women. Everyone knew that. Many thought it was just a thing he'd grow out of. The only thing they don't know, and never really consider, is Castiel's feelings about men instead. Castiel wasn't oblivious about it, only ashamed. They were a Catholic family and didn't believe the Lord was fond of queers. Castiel was always a God-fearing man, which only made his predicament worse.

Castiel attempted nonchalance to mask the panic he felt, "I assume you already know the answer to that question, Father."

Arguments roared about the topic for a short while before the discussion got heated. Gabriel attempted to defend him, but his siblings interrupted to accuse him of not liking women at all. Enough was said and Castiel contemplated raising his voice. Instead, he kept his composure and huffed off to take a stroll down the street, hopefully taking his mind off of things.

He walked down the road, not keeping track of where he was. Although his family was foreign to him, his hometown wasn't and never will be. He only stopped when a lonesome man came into view. He stood near what Castiel could only assume was his house, or at least somewhere he was visiting. He watched the snow while having a smoke, hand in the pocket of his dark leather jacket. The absence of any object above his head had left his spiky hair victim to the snow, which was very slowly piling up, they hadn't got much snow this year it seems.

Castiel didn't recognize the man, and he knew everyone in this small town. He resumed walking, not wanting to interrupt the man. However, as if he read Castiel's mind, he stomped out his cigarette and approached him. Castiel found the man strangely alluring and decided to freeze when he noticed him approaching. Perhaps this would help him take his mind off of things.

"Hey," the man called out rather cooly, "You from this neighborhood?"

"I suppose you could say that. I was raised here."

"Glad you're a local, I've just moved in. 'Was hoping to get here before it got too late, but I guess I got some tough luck," his voice had a slight southern twang to it, it was only just noticeable enough that you could tell he wasn't exactly raised in the south, just south adjacent.

"I'll guess that would make you one of the new people in town that I have heard so much about," Castiel opened up, "Welcome."

They stared at each other for a time others would describe as awkward, but for them, it just felt right. Neither of them could explain it. Luckily, before they had stopped talking altogether, the man spoke up.

"What're you doing out here? It's about a quarter to eleven."

Castiel got nervous, "Oh, well, I was just- well I just fancied a stroll. I presumed it to be safe out. Only to take a chance to clear my mind."

"Hm," he thought for a second, you could see it on his face. "Well let's not skip introductions then, if you're gonna continue down the road. The name's Dean, you?"

"Castiel... that's my name," his tone was awkward, which made sense given he felt just as awkward, if not more.

"Castiel huh, never heard that one before. Do you mind if I just call ya' Cas?" the man- no- Dean suggested.

"Uh, sure," Castiel responded with uncertainty. No one had given him a nickname before, not even Gabriel, which is shocking. 

"Alrighty, well it's nice to meet ya' Cas," Dean gave him a firm handshake and Castiel felt red grow on his cheeks, not only because of the temperature. He was almost certain his palms were sweating despite them shivering with cold. Dean gave him a quick smile and a raise of the eyebrows before waving his goodbyes to vanish into his new house. 

All Castiel could do was repeat his name- Dean- in his head until it didn't sound like a real word, like it was in a page of 'Moby Dick'.

December 16th, 1985

All through the process of getting a motel room to stay away from his family, Castiel couldn't get Dean off of his mind. He knew why this was, although he attempted to convince himself he hadn't. Castiel went through his entire day thinking about him and wondering when he would meet him again. Of course, he hopes it will be soon. Dean had looked to be the same age as him, he looked quite young. And from what he could see of his neck he had a few- or maybe a lot- of tattoos. He couldn't stop thinking about it, no matter how sinful he seemed he still wanted to keep talking to him. His dark leather jacket couldn't distract him from the endearing smile he wore when they parted, and his pierced ears couldn't stop Castiel from wanting to learn more about him. He hadn't even learned his last name. All these thoughts kept Castiel so distracted he couldn't get through the first few sentences of his new book he picked up from a bookstore across the state. He really shouldn't have let Dean bother him this much.

Perhaps he was just bothered then. Castiel convinced himself he was simply irritated by the new, adventurous addition to the one thing that's been consistent all his life. But the consistency made him bitter. So maybe he liked the strange addition. Change was just something he needed to get used to.

Castiel set down his book, frustrated he couldn't get past the first chapter. He seemed to need to take his mind off of things a lot recently. He poured himself a hot cup of instant coffee and set out to make use of his vacation time.

Walking down the sidewalk nearing the crossroads, Castiel caught a glimpse of the building which had been previously empty, now you could tell many people had been working to help the new owners move in since nearly all the boxes had been unpacked. A quick visit wouldn't hurt.

A tall man with slightly long hair came into view, he was unloading some toolboxes onto a wooden table. The building had been an auto shop in the past but the previous owners went bankrupt and moved out of town. It's not a shock to anyone in town if another auto shop pops in there.

When the man approached Castiel, he sent him a firm closed smile. Castiel could tell the man had been through some stressful times by the hidden look in his eyes.

“I was just walking by and thought I’d pay a visit to the new addition to the town,” Castiel shoved his hands in his pockets, “I do pray you don’t mind”

“Oh of course I don’t, well, this isn't really mine,” the man fidgeted and darted his eyes across the room almost frantically but also so constrained he seemed collected, “I actually live out in California, I’m studying to become a lawyer so an auto shop might be a bit much for me.”

“California? You traveled all that way for a moving job on your time off?”

“Oh, no, I’m helping my brother move in here. I know how he’s always determined to get things done himself so I offered to help.”

“Oh, I understand now,” hope shone in Castiel’s eyes, “Would I know your brother?”

The taller, although somehow younger, man scoffed in fondness, “Maybe, but I doubt he got here early enough for first greetings with the neighbors.”

“I’ve met only the best people near midnight,” Castiel quipped although he felt the joke fall flat, he was never able to control his tone all that well.

“Well, then I’d hope you’d at least know his name: Dean Winchester, and mine is Sam," Castiel felt ecstatic almost immediately upon hearing his last name. He’s sure he will get to know him much more later on.

“A pleasure to meet you, Sam Winchester, I met your brother only last night.”

“Of course,” Sam rolled his eyes.

And suddenly the man in question interrupted their conversation.

“Hey Sammy, I see you’ve met my newest friend Cas!” Dean slapped a hand on Sam’s shoulder with a youthful grin that somehow seemed to be more contagious than a cold.

"Cas?"

"My name is Castiel, Dean had made up a nickname for me just last night."

Sam chuckled softly, “Of course he did. It was nice meeting you ‘Cas’,” he replied sarcastically, Castiel couldn't tell if the sarcasm was aimed toward Dean or him, “I guess I'd better get to working before Dad beats my ass.”

Dean shouted a quick laugh, “You betcha Sammy! I'll be back in a minute I just wanna chat with Cas.”

Then Deans loud green eyes passed Sam and made their way to stare at Castiels. Castiel could finally see him clearly without being just a shadow in the dark, frigid night.

“I was merely stopping by, I didn't know this was yours.”

“Yep,” Dean looked around, “Me and my old man’s. We used to work at his family's old shop but uh, yeah,” the hesitation in his voice made it clear something significant made them move here. Castiel wanted to know the full story but he didn't wish to intrude, “Sorry I'm ramblin’ on ‘bout nothing important. Um, how’re you doin’?”

“I’m doing well, thank you. And I do like to hear your ramblings,” Castiel shied away when he realized what he had said, “I mean, anyone, really. I enjoy listening to people talk is all,” Castiels hands got clammy in his coat pockets so he squeezed them in a fruitless attempt to soothe himself.

“I guess that's good to know, say, I never caught your last name? I'd like to know which of my neighbors you're here visiting.”

“Well you've got partial credit for that, you never gave me yours. I'm lucky enough to get it from your brother Winchester.”

“Okay okay, enough with the sass Cas, what is it?”

“Novak. However, I truly wouldn't suggest visiting my family, they're not all that accepting and far less tame.”

“I’d like to see how your family can be any worse than mine.”

“Trust me, you don't. They're a trainwreck, an absolute disaster, I couldn't even get through dinner without going on that walk.”

“That's why you were walking alone in the frost at nearly midnight? Man, I guess I would hate to meet your family. I've been there dude.”

“Really?” Castiel asked with more curiosity than an attempt to one-up Dean, but he didn't take it that way.

“Really! What, you want an example?”

Castiel stifled a laugh, “No! Of course not”

“Right,” Dean eyed him suspiciously, looking as if he were suppressing a laugh as well, “You wanna take a stroll with me?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be working about now?”

“Well, they can live without me I’d rather get to know you more, Cas,” Castiel smiled small. Nothing would compare to hearing those words out of Dean's mouth.

They walked a little and learned about each other’s favorite songs, favorite pets, favorite books, and everything else. They could talk for hours on end. Then they passed Castiels original destination and he couldn't even care. As if talking to Dean was the most important thing, as if it was devotion.

Soon enough, like all good things, their walk came to an end and Dean had to return to the shop before Sam and his father got sore at him.

And when Castiel started to shiver again he remembered how warm Dean's presence was.

Chapter Text

You're an angel, I'm a dog

Or you're a dog and I'm your man

You believe me like a god

I'll destroy you like I am

- "I'm Your Man" Mitski

December 16th, 1985

The place was very cheap and they didn't exactly have anywhere else to go. It was still close enough to their old house in Lawrence, which had been burnt down and only a shell of its former self, but everything just felt wrong after their mother's untimely death. She hadn't died recently, but they'd been moving around the country with only grief and pure spirit motivating them to continue and it took so long to get over it all it felt like only yesterday to Dean when she died. This small rural city of Abbyville in Reno County, Kansas was enough for Dean, especially after everything. 

Dean lit a cigarette on the way back to the shop. The walk with Cas was simple and nice. Nice hadn't happened to Dean in years, simple was probably decades. However, he couldn't help but see the downsides to this new friendship. Dean made the world's most disorganized pros and cons list in his head on the lonely walk back.

Pros: Cas was nice, he was cute, his hair was always messy in the most desirable fashion, his blue eyes were almost hypnotizing, and everything about him was poetic. Cons: Dean could never get with him, not in a million years. Castiel most definitely didn't swing that way. Dean wants to ignore it more than anything and just go for it but he can't. Castiel was Catholic, and his whole family was. Dean doubted that at any point in his life would he turn his faith to something unholy, something nearly satanic. Dean knew with absolute certainty that even if he did score, he'd turn him bad, wrong, just like him. He couldn't touch something so pure if only to taint it with his wishes.

And suddenly through the cynical thoughts he still heard the shuffle of Sam's feet, he was back and far from Cas once again. And suddenly Sam's voice rang. 

"Finally you're back. We need your help we saved all the hard tasks for you since you hate manual labor so badly."

"Bite me. What do I need to do."

"Okay lose the attitude just move the heavy stuff, that's all," Sam caught the sad look in Dean's eyes and although he still teased, Dean could tell he was still holding back for him.

So Dean put out his cigarette on the sidewalk and got to work. Sam sat and watched condescendingly, downing a beer in the process. Touring the country was tough but some nice alcohol always helped the Winchesters. Nice. Maybe Dean will snatch a bottle as well.

After all the moving and the driving, Sam will go back to his apartment in California and kiss his girlfriend Jess goodnight. Dean could say he's envious, but he never would. Dean's always been into guys and gals, but the domestic life never suited his style. Only yesterday he found maybe he needs to switch up his style a bit.

The final touches they added to the garage were some festive lights, simple, and a store-bought wreath that read out "Merry Christmas" with gold glitter on the letters. They put up the open-closed sign, flipped to closed only for now. Dean took out the Christmas classics vinyl, set it on the record player, and placed down the needle. Frank Sinatra's voice piped loud in the back of the garage where Dean was relaxing with a beer and two feet on the table. He hummed the lyrics and felt the relaxation settle in and his muscles calm. Nice and simple was easier than Dean thought.

December 17th, 1985

After some exchange of cell numbers and chatting over the phone, Dean somehow managed to convince Cas to see a film with him. Dean held back from showing him all his favorites and settled with something new, in the theater. "Clue" was the movie and Dean was the driver and his cell was ringing in his right hand with the left on the steering wheel. After two rings he picked up the call, excited to hear Cas' voice again.

"Hello Dean," Cas' voice sang in Deans ears like no other, "Are you on your way yet?"

"'Course Cas. Are you inside?"

"Yes I am cold, are you outside?" Cas sassed.

"Okay cool it, I'm on my way, princess."

"Do you need me to bring money for popcorn? I can if you do," Cas persisted.

"Cas, like I've told you about fifty times, I got it," Dean turned into the parking lot of the motel and the tires on the Impala slid a bit near the entrance due to someone's incapability to salt the curb, "Now let's go see a video."

Castiel came out of his room with a nice but nerdy turtleneck and coat combo on along with what looked like messily combed hair. It didn't fix the sex-hair look to him but it certainly made Dean's heart skip a beat. Cas spent a lot of time getting ready for a not-even-real date with Dean and anyone in the world could tell. Dean couldn't help but just stare.

Deans cassette of Led Zeppelin spilled out the door when Cas pulled it open. Cas rolled his eyes and Dean could only grin. Cas slid into the passenger seat and slammed the door harsher than he meant to.

"Dude?! Have some respect for my baby!" That seemed to score a soft laugh from Cas.

"Your baby? I do apologize for treating your car without the amount of respect you expect, I truly didn't mean to. But your baby?"

"Yeah, my baby, she's gorgeous ain't she," Dean smirked, flashing his teeth. Cas puffed out a sigh and buckled up. He warmed his hands. Castiel turned down the volume half out of spite and half jokingly. Dean didn't seem to mind.

Dean was preoccupied with paying the parking meter. Cas was eyeing the movie posters from down the block. When Dean turned around he paused to look at Cas. Only continuing to put a hand on his shoulder when he licked his lips. 

They traversed their way down the block to the theater. Cas went on about how much has changed in the town over the past year and all Dean could do was listen with loving eyes. Dean paid for their tickets despite Cas' protests. Cas insisted on buying their popcorn and Dean let him 'cause who can say no to him? He's like an angel. Their plan to skip the trailers was futile as there were more than they had anticipated. They talked through the advertisements quietly and laughed quieter. When the film started Dean still couldn't take his eyes off of Cas because by God did Cas look beautiful with the screen light hitting him like that. There was nothing Dean could do about how hard he was falling for Castiel.

Dean stole some popcorn from the bucket that was placed on Cas' lap. The movie was thrilling and hilarious. Dean laughed louder than Cas did at the small quips. By the end, many people were left with overdue laughter from the swift ending. Dean jumped up from his seat with Cas following shortly after.

"That was incredible, but I could totally tell they were all guilty from the start," Dean smirked.

"Don't lie, Dean, it's a sin," Cas joked, knowing Dean isn't religious. He smiled shyly.

"Guess I can't fool you, Cas," Dean slapped a hand on Cas' shoulder dearly.

They walked out the entrance and paused, "You got time for some milkshakes?" Dean asked.

"We're already together now, so why not?"

"Sweet," Castiel warmed his hands for the fifteenth time that day, "Cold hands?"

"Huh," Cas' head titled the way a curious cat's head would.

"Your hands," Dean continued, "You've been warmin' them up all day I was scared you were gonna freeze to death."

"Oh, I just- I forgot my gloves at the motel is all," Cas defended and Dean offered a hand. Cas questioned so Dean took matters into his own hands, literally. Dean took his hands together to keep them warm.

"I'm always warm so I guess I can be your gloves," Dean shouted a laugh as Cas' fluster grew. Their hands stayed together for an awkward amount of time, it felt cliche, but they didn't care. When they finally let go, their hands still lingered close to each other as they walked to the car. 

"I know of a good diner over a few blocks, if you don't mind walking a bit more," Cas suggested. Dean was paying the parking meter again by the time he finished chattering. 

"Of course, I love our walks," Castiels smile grew at the sound of that, "This has become a very eventful date."

"Date? You sure are bold, Dean," Dean had only caught himself when Cas mentioned it.

"Oh, heh, I meant day. Misspoke s'all," Cas looked oddly disappointed at that statement. Dean didn't know how to feel about that.

"Of course, that's all," Cas looked to the ground somberly. 

The walk to the diner was somewhat silent. Dean made some jokes on the way and their hands were still far too close for comfort. They chatted about the movie but most of their conversation was seemingly being saved for the diner. A jingle signified they were in the diner. Both sat at the booth in the corner across from each other. A teen girl approached them. Dean didn't know her but Cas sure as hell seemed to. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a rocker attitude.

She sang her mandatory introduction in a bland voice, "Good afternoon welcome to the Finer Diner, cheesy right? Anyway, what can I get for you guys?"

"I had no clue you started working for your mother, Claire," Cas spoke to the server, whose name was Claire, "This is my friend who's just moved into town, Dean."

"Well, he ain't no Hasselhoff," She was cut off by a sharp glare made by Cas, "I'm only kidding! My name's Claire Mills."

"Nice to meet you Claire, but I think I'm more of a young Clint Eastwood myself."

Claire scoffed and spoke to Cas, "I love-hate your new friend. Thanks. Now order, no discounts for being nice to me."

They ordered two vanilla milkshakes, nothing special. The only special part about the trip was them. They talked about the movie for the whole wait. When Claire came back to give the milkshakes to Cas and Dean, she called her mom over and fled the scene. 

A woman with short, dark curls came up to the table, "Castiel, how dare you be back for the winter and not even tell me about it?!"

"My apologies, I was a bit preoccupied..."

"With your new friend, I presume," She turned to Dean, "Hello new neighbor, I'm Jody Mills, I own this place."

"Dean Winchester, Nice to meet so many faces this week," They shook hands, talked for a while about this and that, and soon enough Jody was busy with other customers.

Dean tends to wear his heart on his sleeve and Cas made it much easier. They talked for hours while time flew by too soon. It took a while for the questions Castiel asked to get suddenly personal. It only started with some questions about other towns and cities, if Dean had ever been to a big city like New York, and soon enough dissolved into what got Dean into this whole moving around the country mess. And that was one question Dean still couldn't answer, to anyone not just Cas. Things got awkward and Dean excused himself for a smoke while Cas finished up his milkshake. For a while Dean stood outside only with his thoughts, pessimistic as always. Then Cas decided it was time to join him and give Claire a tip.

"I'm sorry," Cas stated without warning, "I really am, I didn't mean to intrude."

Dean puffed out some smoke and turned to him, "No it's," He cleared his throat, "It's not your fault, I just don't do the personal shit sometimes. Makes me nervous, imagine that."

"I get that," Cas looked to the sky and watched slow snowflakes fall. Weatherman hadn't predicted snow this afternoon, "I suppose I got too eager to know more about you."

They stood silently, not in awkward silence but peacefully. Dean took another hit and stomped out his cigarette, he seemed to smoke less when around Cas, as if Cas took the edge off better than a stick of smoke. Cas was the one to break the silence with a very shocking query.

"What if I wanted this to be a date," Dean turned his head to face Cas, although Cas' eyes still followed snowflakes, "You know, what you said earlier? I've been thinking of it the whole time during our walk to the diner."

Dean's eyes still lay on Cas in shock when Cas finally turned to look at him, "And if your God was watching?" He hesitated.

"That's the funny thing about sins, if I feel bad enough maybe he'll forgive me."

"How poetic of you Cas," He stole a breath, "I'm afraid you might not, feel bad about it that is. You seem determined."

"Is that so bad?" Castiels eyes never felt so magnetic and his lips never looked so worth the pain.

"No," Dean got closer, "You know, I never took you for a queer. Maybe my eyes aren't as good as I thought."

"You just shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, Dean," Dean got closer and Cas gripped his arm to remind him where they were, "But I wouldn't dare get intimate here, you truly don't have faith in my decency."

"Ah. Whatever you say Cas." Dean wet his lips, "Then let's get rollin', huh?" Dean took his keys out of his pocket to happily jingle them in Cas' face. Cas smiled softly and trailed behind Dean. They walked eagerly back to the car. Unlike all their other walks, they stayed silent, but they still walked shoulder to shoulder.

When they hopped in the car Dean hesitated to put the keys in, afraid of what he might do to Cas, how he might hurt him. He turned his head to the passenger seat and Cas looked at him with the same look he's had on all day. So he put the keys in and drove off. Suddenly Dean was the luckiest man in the world to not have John living in the same pad as him for once.

Chapter Text

This is Ground Control to Major Tom

You've really made the grade

And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear

Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare

- "Space Oddity" David Bowie

December 18th, 1985

Castiel laid awake next to Dean while he recounted the events of last night. Although he'd never regret it in all his life, he did feel a tang of shame in his gut. As if he was doing something evil, as if he was going against God's plan, as if he was committing blasphemy. And all through the regret and the guilt he felt his thoughts were unfair to Dean. He never wanted to hurt Dean, ever. And so Castiel got up from the bed to start his morning.

He brushed his teeth and made his way downstairs toward the kitchen. He figured he'd do something for Dean, something like breakfast. However, after a quick search through his kitchen, he felt Dean enjoyed cooking himself and perhaps Castiel would only make him pig slop. He never really learned to cook, it's difficult without a present and thoughtful mother. So he headed to the living room to snoop through Dean's vinyl collection. It was mostly comprised of rock, including every single album of Led Zeppelin's entire career, along with some country and jazz. After growing bored of the snooping, Castiel decided to take his copy of Moby Dick out of his coat pocket, which was neatly hung on the coat rack. Snuggled up on the sofa with Moby Dick in hand, Castiel went over last night's events, barely paying any attention to the first chapter of his book.

December 17th, 1985, 8:34 PM

Dean parked in his usual spot, well, as usual as it could be in only two days of being there. He fumbled for his house key on his key chain as Castiel climbed out of the car. When Dean closed the door behind him after Castiel entered the house, he could tell Dean hadn't spent much time making it a home. Things escalated slightly when Dean gripped Castiels waist and dug his face into his neck. Castiel put his hands over Deans and turned to face him. He cupped Dean's face with his hands and looked into his eyes as if he were looking for something.

Then Castiel looked to the side and whispered to him intimately, "Could we take things slowly? I apologize."

"No need for apologies, I won't do nothing you ain't ready for, Cas."

And then Castiel met Dean's lips lovingly. They didn't go much further than making out on Dean's bed and planting kisses on Castiels knuckles when he began drifting off to sleep. The last thing he heard before leaving for dreamland was Dean muttering how much he didn't deserve him in unintelligible speech. Dean kept his promises and Castiel worshiped him for it.

December 18th, 1985

Castiel caught his memories catching up to the present when Dean came into the living room yawning and stretching. He scratched his chin while Castiel lifted his nose from his book. Dean gifted him a peck on his cheek.

"I guess you weren't lyin' when you told me you'd rather die than set that damn book down, huh," Dean's voice was worth sinning for, even despite the grainy morning sound to it, "I'll get some breakfast started. Hopefully you don't mind something a bit bland, I don't got much about now."

"Of course not. Just as long as it's edible," Castiel joked and Dean chuckled softly and left to make himself some coffee. Castiel watched him leave and got right back to reading through the first chapter of Moby Dick. Once he finished he left it on the coffee table to join Dean in the kitchen.

Dean was frying up some bacon when Castiel walked in. He sipped from his mug of coffee. Castiel made himself some coffee as well. He watched Dean cook while waiting for his coffee to brew.

"Do you have some sugar, Dean?"

Dean chuckled, "Which kind sweetheart?" The pet name made Castiel roll his eyes.

"The normal kind, please." Dean passed him two sugar packets. Castiel mixed them in and reached for another one, not realizing Dean only sent two his way.

"Dean."

"Hm?" Dean's eyes stayed on the bacon.

"Could you pass me some more sugar?"

Dean paused and spoke confusedly, "Really?"

"Yes really, Dean, you gave me two packets," Castiel sassed, "Don't judge me or I'll-"

"Okay, okay!" Dean tossed two more sugar packets his way. "Need some sprinkles and whipped topping with your hot sugar water?"

"Do you want those to be your last words, Dean Winchester?"

"Okay! I'll stop," He said, but he continued to laugh even when Castiel glared all the way to his soul. And even through a threatening glare, Deans laughter was still contagious.

They sat eating the bacon at Deans dining table which was still part of the kitchen. Castiel had eaten good food before but Deans cooking had skyrocketed to his favorites. They never talked about what happened, what they are, or even if Castiel was staying at Dean's place for the rest of the week. Castiel knew if he brought it up, then it would become real. Castiel can't handle this kind of reality. So instead of talking, they ate. Dean stood from the table and downed the rest of his coffee in one gulp. He walked to the sink to set his dishes in to clean later. Castiel sipped his coffee and watched him scramble around the kitchen. The one thing that had slipped Castiels mind was that he wouldn't be here with Dean forever, not only did he have another dinner to attend, but he was leaving to go back to Wichita the next Monday. But his head stayed in Oz and he chose to love Dean even when he knew how it'd end.

Dean put a vinyl on the record player and tugged on Castiels arm while he spaced off. That seemed to awaken Castiel and he abruptly turned his head to Dean. 
"Come on, Cas," Dean said with another tug, "Come on, I'll take care of your dishes and such later, okay?"

"Alright, okay." Dean pulled him to the living room and sat with him on the couch. They didn't dance or sing or sway to the music, they just kept close and appreciated each other's company.

"You ever heard this song?"

"I'm not sure."

"Well, it's good. The band too. From the 60's, ever heard of Fleetwood Mac, Cas?"

Castiel smiled at him, "I've heard of them, yes. But I've never truly bothered to listen to them."

The song "Second Hand News" filled the silence between them. They simply sat together on the couch. Dean ran his hands through Castiels hair and hummed to the song. Castiel picked up Moby Dick once again and thought of Dean at the end of every line. The two weren't necessarily related but Castiel couldn't help himself.

Soon enough the day rolled along and soon enough it was somewhere around 9 PM. Dean's shop hadn't opened yet so all day they sat around doing things, hanging around, and a make-out session or three. They wasted most of the day in bed or on the couch endlessly listening to Fleetwood Mac and other records play on the record player. Castiel checked the time on his watch. 9:49 PM. He let out a small sigh.

Dean knew he had to pry, it was his new job. "What's up?" Castiel continued to stare at the gold on his watch and Dean felt a bit more worried.

Castiel snapped out of his trance to reply. "Oh just, it's late," Castiel spoke softly, "I need to get going sometime soon."

"You do? And here I was thinkin' paradise would last forever," Dean joked, "Why're you leaving?"

Castiel turned his view towards Dean. He looked at Dean with loving and apologetic eyes. "I need to pick up some things at the store, then be by the motel to get picked up." Castiel now just looked sorry for himself. "I have to deal with my family for another night."

"Oh." Dean looked sorry for him. Then looked into his eyes with an idea. "Well, why don't I come with you?"

"What?"

"You know, so it doesn't suck as much. You can just introduce me as a friend and the new neighbor. Plus I could drive you and go shopping with you." Dean put up a good argument. Castiel couldn't say no, except he tried.

"Dean that would be wonderful." Hope lit in Dean's eyes. "But, my family isn't a burden I wish for you to bear as well, especially with current assumptions of me which they've proven to have had for quite some while now."

"C'mon Cas," Dean pleaded, "I promise I won't stir shit, 'kay? I'll act the most 'just a friend' a guy can manage." To that, Castiel sighed again. He debated the strength he could muster up to say no, he concluded he had none.

Then Dean got up to get going and Castiel sat him back down. "I said sometime soon, Dean." Dean looked back at him with curious eyes. He sat back down on the couch per Castiel's request, well, more so demand. They continued to use those few minutes before they had to leave to cuddle on the couch, nice and sweet, nice and simple.

Sometime turned into now and they put their shoes and coats on and left the house. Dean heated the car and turned down the knob for the volume before turning on the leftover cassette in there from last night. He seemed to assume Castiel didn't like loud music ever since he jokingly turned it down last night. That wasn't necessarily true but Castiel let Dean assume so, he liked hearing Dean hum over the music.

They got to the store and Dean eyed the bakery section while they headed towards the produce aisle. Castiel put a bag of apples in his basket. Dean was curious, as usual. Castiel picked up things people would get on a normal grocery run, although of course quite a bit less. He also made sure nothing he got had to be refrigerated, he didn't want them to go bad in the car. Dean, of course, was very confused. He seemed to think Castiel was going to get something for dinner, like a gift or something to eat at the table. Castiel just wanted to get Dean's kitchen a bit more set up so not every meal had to be something out of the few 5 items he had in his kitchen. Dean smiled to himself after realizing what Castiel was doing. Castiel paid for the groceries and they sat the two bags in the backseat of the car.

Castiel braced himself. He knew what came next, and he also knew he had to apologize to Gabriel for skipping out on another ride. They drove back to the way they came from, passing Dean's house to park in the Novak's driveway. The extra car made it a bit more crowded. They stepped onto the porch as Dean made a sarcastic comment under his breath that Castiel couldn't quite catch. Castiel knocked on the door and almost instantly Anna opened it.

Anna looked slightly distraught. She looked even worse when she saw Dean standing right next to Castiel with a cheeky grin. Anna pulled Castiel and Dean in by the arms and looked around to see if anyone had followed her to the door.

"Seriously Castiel? First, you don't show up at the motel and then you have the bright idea to bring in the new neighbor. There are rumors, do you wish to make them worse and taint your name?" Anna whispered roughly.

"I'm aware Anna, okay? I just- he's just a friend, alright?"

"Not just the rumors about you, Castiel, about him." She gestured in Dean's direction. Dean squinted at her in offense. "I don't care who you mingle with, alright? Just stay safe. God bless you Castiel." She turned to return to the dining room. Castiel inhaled and couldn't let go of the breath until he looked at Dean who was childishly sticking out his tongue to her. Castiel couldn't help but smile endearingly.

They entered the dining room daringly. All eyes on them, on Dean. Hannah gasped softly and returned her eyes to her plate.

"Castiel. We thought you wouldn't show again," Micheal spoke with disdain on his tongue.

"Wish he hadn't, really." Hanna was kicked under the table by Gabriel. Dean looked to the side and looked like he was holding back from punching someone in the face.

"Well," Their father coughed out, "I'll grab a seat for our unexpected guest and we'll begin saying grace." Dean turned his head to face Castiel and mouthed "sorry", Castiel forgave him.

Dinner was strangely silent after grace as if no one wanted to sully their reputation by arguing in front of the new neighbor. That was until Gabriel had the bright idea to question the elephant in the room.

"So, Castiel, who's your new 'best friend' hm?" Gabriel decided he'd stir shit that day.

Castiel couldn't get a word in before Anna spoke up. "Gabriel, hadn't anyone taught you to be modest? You have a cold tongue for someone so," She dragged the end of the sentence for exaggeration. "You know."

"You say that as if you're any better Anna." Dean looked awkward in his seat next to Castiel. "Everyone knows what you've got going on in your head."

Anna turned to face Castiel in a panic. "Excuse me?"

"Would you two stop this nonsense?" Micheal spoke clearly, "We have a guest now."

"Oh, yes, please Micheal, let's continue pretending we don't have problems why don't we?" Gabriel talked back to him.

"It's simply improper, Gabriel. You should know that." The room felt silent after that, and Castiel couldn't just answer the question so late. But Dean could.

"I'm Dean Winchester. Shocking that I've got a name, ain't it." He stared down Micheal. The tension was thick and every new word was sudden.

"You forget yourself Castiel," Hannah criticized, "Do you know where your mind has gone? Certainly not somewhere holy." Castiel took every word against him, he wouldn't dare escalate the situation with Dean there.

But Dean could. For some reason, Dean could always do what Castiel wished he had the strength to do. And so he did. "Y'all act like I'm the Devil or something." Dean laughed. "Which isn't true, I'm just a friend." Castiel felt grateful.

Everyone went silent with guilt. Today became the first Novak Christmas dinner which hadn't resulted in a fight and Castiel still wasn't happy about it. When everyone left except for Dean, Castiel, and Micheal, they stood out on the porch in slightly awkward silence.

"No one was wrong for assuming those things, you know that Castiel, I know you do." Micheal looked at the piled snow on the grass with furrowed brows.

Dean couldn't take any more microaggressions. "Hey, he doesn't have to take any of your crap, okay? Let the man live."

"What you two are doing is unholy. You should be ashamed." Micheal finally turned to face him. Castiel could sense what was coming and panicked.

Dean flinched his body towards Micheal but was held back by Castiels gentle yet rough hands. "We aren't doing anything," Dean spoke harshly with a hostile smile.

"Of course your aren't." Micheal began to turn away from him. "You really should have worn a scarf today, Winchester." Then a punch flew and Micheal lifted a hand to his recently reddened cheek.

And as Dean pulled Castiel to the car he yelled out, "We're friends, dick!"

"Was it really visible? I'm sorry Cas. I'm really sorry," Dean rambled on the couch next to Castiel"

"Not unless he was looking for it Dean. It's okay." Castiel laid small kisses on Dean's forehead. "It's right under your ear, no one saw but him, everything is okay."

Fleetwood Mac stopped playing hours ago and they were left in their own soft, loving silence.

Chapter Text

I don't give a damn for the same old played-out scenes

Baby, I don't give a damn for just the in-betweens

Honey, I want the heart, I want the soul, I want control right now

- "Badlands" Bruce Springsteen

December 19th, 1985

The morning was uneventful, and noon wasn’t any better. Most of the day Castiel grieved due to the incidents of the 18th. Dean left at 9 to go to work, it was his- their- first day. Dean was gentle with Castiel. He never forced him out of bed, but he did try to convince him to eat breakfast. Castiel only ate breakfast after Dean left. It felt disrespectful, especially after all Dean had done for him, but he couldn’t help it. Taking space in Dean’s life just felt inconsiderate, and his knowing was even worse. 

Castiel moped around the living room listening to whatever was on the radio. He waited for the tears to come bursting through his eyes but they never came. So he waited for Dean on the couch and never fell asleep. The Billy Idol song on the radio kept his thoughts at bay.

As “Catch My Fall” began to fade out and commercials began to fade in it wasn’t even a quarter till yet. It was only 12:37 PM and Castiel couldn’t move a muscle. He was scared he might break himself. Castiel tended to believe in other’s views of him. His family knew him only as a fragile child who lost his way, Dean viewed him as an untouchable being of pure light which he might ruin if he gets too close, and of course, Castiel believed all of it was true. So he wouldn’t dare move or reach out to Dean when he walked back into the house at exactly 3:20 PM. He might hurt himself.

Dean walked through the door, set his keys on the TV stand, put his coat on the rack, took his shoes off, and made his way to the kitchen. On his way, he pressed a small kiss to Castiel’s forehead. Castiel then realized he lost track of time. Dean grabbed a glass of water and Castiel sat back up on the couch.

Dean’s voice stole him from his trance once again. “I’ve never heard this song, it’s nice.” Dean took a sip from his glass and looked to the side, in Castiel’s direction. Castiel kept his view to his front. 

“Yes, it is.” His voice was grainy from not talking all day. “‘Downtown’, Petula Clark, it’s fairly popular. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it.” Castiel’s focus on the newfound dust collecting on the TV stand never wavered. Dean went to turn down the radio for a conversation and Castiel swallowed.

“Cas I’m sorry, you gotta believe that,” Dean spoke as he sat next to Castiel on the couch. All Castiel believed was that, of course, he knew how sorry Dean was. “I like you, man, I really like you. Please Cas, don’t give up ‘cause of something stupid I did,” Dean pleaded, “Why don’t we get away from all this bullshit? I wanna live a life with you, Cas. Away from the ignorance and the drama. Maybe we could go upstate, or even to California. We could go to California Cas.”

Castiel seemed to be upset at that. How could he just leave this town like that? This family, this town, Wichita, Kansas, he couldn’t just leave, it’s not that easy. He spoke up, his throat betraying him. “I can’t Dean. I can’t abandon them here.”

“Abandon who? ‘Cause all I’m seeing is a bunch of assholes who don’t know how to treat each other right, Cas.” Dean raised his voice from the gentle tone they’d been using for who knows how long. Castiel finally felt the tears, but they changed from sad to angry.

“You act as if you’ve known them as long as I have.”

“And?”

“And you’re wrong, you don’t know anything you speak of, Dean.”

“Right. And when I treat you right, unlike them, I get this.”

“Dean, stop. I’m grateful for you, okay?”

“No, not ‘okay’ Cas. I thought we were in this shit together.” Dean’s face looked so frustrated, a face Castiel had only imagined until now. 

“I thought so too,” Castiel spoke in that somber, gentle voice they used prior. Dean stormed off to the bedroom, yet still careful not to stomp.

He felt bad, not regret, just pity, but he didn't know if it was for himself or for Dean. Castiel wished he knew how Dean's mind worked. He couldn't figure it out for the life of him. So Castiel moped on the couch, staring at the ceiling and nothing else. He would never know how awful Dean had felt and how much Dean had cried that night wishing he could take everything back or wishing he could be better. Dean doubted himself too much. Dean doubted his worth too often to see how much Castiel believed he was worth.

December 19th, 1985. 9:27 AM

Dean parked the car next to the garage. It was opening day and John had already set up at 8. Nobody but him and John was there and they wouldn’t be for a while. So, Dean took his free time to do some needed repairs on his car. It’s not like he doesn’t take care of her, but things happen. 

They get few customers and most came only to meet their new neighbors. The day moved slow and Dean's energy moved even slower. He couldn’t get Cas off his mind. He felt bad every mile to work knowing Cas would probably eat nothing and do nothing all day. However, his conflicting thoughts on the subject never wavered his talent with mechanics.

By the end of his shift, Dean lit a smoke and thought about what to do. His silent thoughts didn’t last so long. That wasn’t very shocking, what was shocking was the cause. Gabriel Novak. He seemed to be just passing by but he couldn’t help himself to say a few words.

Spotting Dean from the sidewalk, he made his way towards him. Speaking with bitterness on his tongue, he spits, “Dean, was it? You’ve got a lot of nerve last night, showing up. This family doesn’t need any more of Castiel’s baggage.” 

Dean took a hit before responding, “Yeah? Nice to see you too, asshole.” He attempted to ignore the blunt assumptions that he was just baggage. It was difficult.

“Listen, I don’t care who the hell you are or what kinda people you’re into, all I give a shit about is Castiel. I worry about him and meeting you didn’t make nothing better.”

Dean looked roughly into Gabriel’s angered eyes. “I care about Cas, you don’t got nothin’ to worry ‘bout. I swear to you.” He stomped out his cigarette. “Now get lost, I’m goin’ home.”

Gabriel stopped him with a hand on his chest, but he didn’t seem as angry as before. “Just- promise you’ll be good to him, alright. Things ain’t so good right now without him. We been fighting some.”

Dean hesitated when he mentioned the fighting. But he nodded and Gabriel let him go. 

The ride home wasn’t so pleasant on Dean’s mind. He thought real hard about what Gabriel meant and about what he could do to cheer Cas up. His mood went from mad to miserable to hopeful in a matter of seconds. He could never keep his mind from racing all the time. His mood always went from extreme to extreme. All he could do was grasp for some sense of control, the only things that ever really gave him that were alcohol, smokes, and now Cas. 

December 19th, 1985. 3:49 PM

“Human madness is oftentimes a cunning and most feline thing. When you think it fled, it may have but become transfigured into some still subtler form” is a complex quote from Moby Dick. Castiel had never paid much attention to it. Of course he pondered it, as he did with many other popular quotes within the book. Still, he never put too much thought into it. It wasn’t until he experienced the madness did he truly understand it. 

Anna arrived at their doorstep at 3:42 and stood outside contemplating whether to knock or to leave. She finally decided at 3:49 to knock. She didn’t need to wait long before Castiel opened the door. He stood shocked, like he’d just seen a ghost, or maybe something a bit more incredible, like a flying pig. Anna shivered in the cold winter weather with frozen tears on her cheeks. Time stopped for her and moved for everyone else. It’s been that way since forever.

“I need help, Castiel.”

Chapter Text

I was told to choose

To choose to be what I chose to be

Speaking impartially

There doesn't seem to be a place for me

But when I look inside

I find a place to run, to hide

- "Fool" Bôa

December 18th, 1985

It was only in the car when Anna could focus on one voice at a time. It felt like all eyes, and voices, were on her. It was uncomfortable, almost as bad as, well, maybe not as bad as that. Nonetheless, it was painful. Voices felt like chalk on chalkboard in her ears and teeth breaking in her mouth, pieces left to swallow and be forgotten. 

Then Gabriel, or maybe Hannah, said something that rang for a while until she could understand. “-or I swear, we’ll put you in the damned loony bin Anna.” Yeah, that sounded like Gabriel. 

Anna hated yelling, even speaking hurt her tongue. She always knew someone would interrupt. But she couldn’t help it. Everyone was fighting and screaming, at least that’s all Anna could hear, screaming. It got a bit overwhelming. At that point she hadn’t a clue about what she said, she just spoke. She spoke and she yelled until she could finally hear her words. 

“Please, please, Gabriel stop it, please. I can’t- I’m tired of it. Just stop please,” Anna pleaded, tears streaming down her face. She didn’t notice it was already 12 AM and everyone abandoned her in the car to her own sobbing mess. She couldn’t see them leave the car through her arms and her tears. 

Anna knew it was pathetic. Her life was just a painful mess of senses in the wrong places. The only reason she knew the voices weren’t real was because no one else heard them. But they feel too real, too bone crushing, too skin ripping, and way too loud. 

At some point she believed it was too real. Gabriel threatened to put her in a hospital? A ward? She couldn’t tell. Her brain was too fuzzy. She would never know how much he didn’t mean it. So she ran out that car just as messily as her face had felt. Walking to the park didn’t feel as much of a chore as everything else in her life had been.

December 19th, 1985

Anna’s heels splintered and bruised from sleeping most the day in her fancy new shoes. She forgot to take them off. Her hair was a mess and she thought of where to go. She can’t go back to stay with Gabriel for the rest of the trip anymore. So she went to the store, because some cheap bread never hurt anybody.

It was almost 1:50 and Anna finished a loaf of bread only minutes before. She decided that to be her meal for the day. While she ate she remembered Castiel. He knew what she went through. He would help her. 

Everything stayed loud. It always did, no matter who was around. Anna walked the whole way to the neighborhood in her busted up heels, they were new, it’s a shame. She tried not to focus on the pain or her small tears. She hummed a Beatles song on her way. 

Anna only stopped when she went uphill. Her feet couldn’t take it anymore. Her ankle twisted only slightly. When she dropped to the ground on the sidewalk her thoughts finally caught up to her. She questioned, what if Castiel was trying to throw me out too? He must’ve told Gabriel. And what if this adventure was not for her. What if she’d actually broken her leg, bled out, and died on this sidewalk and her thoughts were the only thing keeping her from heaven. Or would she go to hell. What if that sharp ringing wasn’t her own ears betraying her, but it was the sound of the angels flapping their wings. 

She had to pick herself up, knowing that giving up would be her worst sin. The voices of angels singing in her ears rang loud. They told her, “Don't give up Anna, this will be your journey to salvation.” And she listened.

Anna has been chasing heaven all her life. She speculates if she does what the angels tell her, she too will have a place within the gates.

“Yes, I can make it to heaven.”

Anna reached the doorstep.

December 19th, 1985  4:18 PM

Dean sat a bowl of soup in front of Anna. She had no clue what it was, and honestly, she didn't want to try it. Castiel sat across from her while Dean stood next to him. They didn't have enough chairs for the small dining table in the kitchen.

Anna spaced, the sound of air conditioning vibrated in her ears. The faint sound of a song playing on the radio station soothed her.

“Anna.” Castiel snapped her out of it. He always did. Anna’s eyes spun to Castiel’s, widening with wetness. “Are you okay? What happened?” He questioned.

“I…” Anna turned to look at Dean whose face was more confused than she’s ever seen. “I don't know what to do.” Tears welled back up into her eyes.

“That's okay. What happened?” It got loud again and suddenly the buzzing of the air conditioning wasn't helping. Voices rang too loud but Castiel and Dean were silent. They were patient. It was nice but not nice enough.

Anna sobbed into the soup. “I’m sorry. It's too loud.” Hands came to wipe her tears, she didn't notice they were hers.

“Anna, no one else is here.”

“I can't, Castiel.” Anna hated to burden Castiel. “I need to stay. To get to heaven, to reach salvation. Can I be saved?”

“Anna.” She slowly worked her way to face Castiel’s worried expression. She recognized the Madonna song on the radio. “What happened?”

She gathered her courage from the angels, or maybe just herself. “Gabriel. He said… um. Well, he said he’d put me away. In a hospital.” Anna swallowed and continued, “Let me stay. I can’t stay with him anymore.”

The silence after was loud, but not louder than Castiel’s emotions and the tension between him and Dean. Castiel looked to Dean, asking for permission. Dean nodded, his face worried and his hands gripping the back of Castiel’s chair. Castiel finally replied, “Yes, of course.”

December 22nd, 1985

Anna sat in the pews of the church with Castiel by her side. Sunken in prayer, she knew what day it was and what it meant. Today was the day Castiel had to return to Wichita. She of course prayed for a safe trip for him, but her selfish side prayed for him to stay, just a few more days. He would leave her behind, Dean too.

Anna grew to appreciate Dean for caring for her little brother. She hated to see them separate. Even if they promised to call all the time.

She was doing better, as better as she could. She heard less voices and even when she heard them they never told her to do outlandish things anymore. Of course there are few incidents. But it was nothing Castiel couldn't handle helping with.

When friends and family gathered at the church to wish Castiel a safe trip, Anna felt like she was being strangled. Jody and Claire hugged him and Anna brought her hand towards her mouth. She chewed on her nails, they were getting too long anyway. 

It wasn't until they went back to Dean’s house did she realize how awful Dean felt about it as well. He cried as they kissed and when they started making out in front of her she couldn't help but scoff and turn away, childish as ever. When it finally came time for Castiel to hand out a hug to Anna she sobbed into his shoulder.

“It’ll be okay, Anna.” His voice rumbled in her chest. “I’ll still visit. Will you stay here?” Castiel broke the hug.

“If you don't got a place to go I'd love the company, Annie,” Dean spoke out behind her with small sniffles. He was clearly trying to stifle his tears. 

The nickname Annie started on the 20th when she woke up first and sat in the kitchen crying. Dean woke up not long after and soothed her. He offered a cup of coffee and called her Annie by accident. She corrected him, of course, but she did still love the nickname.

“Yeah I'd like that. I used to just stay with Gabriel. I was always surprised he never kicked me out for taking long showers.” Anna’s attempt at humor didn't work to comfort her very well.

“Okay. I’ll visit. I promise.” Castiel’s soft words seemed more directed towards Dean than they were to Anna.

When Castiel’s ride slid away on the frozen street Anna couldn't hold back her tears. Knowing Castiel’s work schedule, he wouldn't visit till another major holiday, that wasn't counting the new years. Anna shuffled into the house and left Dean outside. She wonders if he really froze from the temperature.

December 25th, 1985 

Christmas came slow, or quick, depending on who you ask. Anna refused to spend it with her family, so she spent it with Dean’s. Anna shifted on the couch every now and then. Spending Christmas with another family is always awkward, especially when they’re not religious. 

Anna got a few presents from Dean. She could tell how last minute they were, but she still found it sweet. One gift consisted of some candles. They smelled like cinnamon and hot chocolate. Dean lifted his no-fires rule in the house just for her.

Sam came all the way from California, bringing his girlfriend Jessica with him. Anna got along well with Jess. John brought gifts and left, he said it was because he had to work but Anna could tell he would just go home and drink. Anna learned a lot about Dean in the past week. She knew his mother had died in a tragic fire back in Lawrence and she knew why he smoked. She felt close with him, but it only made her more vulnerable, more depressed.

The light from the cheap Christmas lights shone bright and the smell of burnt gingerbread cookies swept through Anna’s nostrils. Dean somehow convinced Sam and Jess to stay a bit longer. A proper midwestern holiday can’t be midwestern without staying longer than intended.

“I told you they shouldn’t have stayed in the oven that long, Dean!” Sam couldn’t hold back his laughter. Spending time with Dean made Sam feel warmer to everyone else.

“Hush up, Sammy. The crunch is the best part, see!” Dean took a bite into the charred cookie. It could not be more satisfying to see the look on his face before he spit the scorched crumbs into the trash. “Okay. Maybe you’re right.”

Anna and Jess laughed in the corner, reluctant to try the cookies, which could easily be mistaken for lumps of coal. How fitting. Nonetheless, Sam caved and shoved the cookies—if you could even call them that anymore—in the trash. The hard work of shaping and cutting the batter into delicious cookies was futile, as most activities they attempted that day did. And Anna had a good time.

It was a queer sight, Anna having fun on Christmas. She needed it more than anyone.

December 25th, 1985

“It’ll be fun, I promise,” Charlie pleaded in a sing-songy voice, “You can leave early if you don’t have fun.” Charlie was—is—a friend of Castiel’s. They met at the shelter where Castiel works. Charlie wanted to adopt a dog and Castiel gave pointers and suddenly they were hanging out constantly. This time, Charlie was trying to convince Castiel to come to her college friends party that was supposedly so laid back you “wouldn’t even notice it’s a college party” according to a certain ginger.

“Charlie, I just don’t think it’s such a great idea,” Castiel responded, “I mean, I’m busy today and I don’t even know your friends.”

“Busy? On Christmas? Castiel you know I love my dog-baby but on Christmas it’s just ridiculous!” Charlie sighed. “I wanna cheer you up. You’ve been so mopey ever since you got back from Oz. Also I don’t want to go to this thing alone.”

“Then don’t go,” Castiel despaired.

“Castiel! Where did your Christmas spirit go!!” Charlie shook his forearm crazedly. 

Castiel sighed and looked her way. Her eyes were wide and brows furrowed. “I’m sorry Charlie. I just- I’m just tired.”

Charlie paused and studied his face. It was sad, like abandoned-puppy sad, trust her, she would know. “Okay. Whatever. I'll go alone. I’m still giving you your gift.”

Castiel looked to the floor which was still covered in animal hair. Charlie got distracted from her sweeping. “Thank you.” Charlie hesitated before returning to her sweeping. Castiel is always appreciative when Charlie helps out at the shelter.

When Charlie left a box on the counter for Castiel and drove away in her truck Castiel finally felt tired in his eyes. Nevertheless, he opened the box. It was a small box, not much could fit inside. When Castiel opened it he was greeted with a small card that read “You work too hard when you’re sad. Merry Christmas dork!” and chuckled a bit. Fondness seared through his chest as he took out the present underneath the card. It was a handmade keychain. You could tell it was handmade easily. A wood-burned picture of Charlie’s English shepherd accompanied by a tag with a clear outer shell which read “‘We cannibals must help these Christians’” which was an arguably humorous quote from Moby Dick. On the back it read “Love, Wichita” which was far too broad yet still heartwarming.

Castiel called a cab after work and made his way to the bar. He’s made it a tradition to celebrate holidays he has to work during at the bar ever since he reached the legal drinking age. At least Jo is always working on Christmas.

“Good to see ya Castiel.” Jo put down a glass she was cleaning and turned her head towards Castiel. “You sure look giddy to be alive right now.” Sarcasm works like a charm with Castiel, but not this time. 

“Yeah, sorry for bringing down the mood Jo. Just ready for Christmas to be over.”

“Hey, no worries. This ones on the house.” Jo turned to make something strong. Mostly for him, somewhat for her. “Is it about miss mystery? Y’know. Your girl from Abbyville you won't tell us nothing about.” 

“Yeah, that I guess.” Castiel felt defeated. Or more deflated. Most likely both.

Jo poured shots for them both and roughly sat her elbows on the counter. “Right. Now speak.”

But something interrupted them because something always does. Ash pushed open the doors to the bar and jumped over the counter. Or it at least looked like it. He pushed a kiss into Jo's forehead and scurried to the back.

“Wait- Hey now wait just a minute!” Ash behaved. “Well I haven't seen you in, um.”

“Two months,” Castiel spoke. He tends to finish her sentences when she forgets something. He has a perfect memory, almost.

“Two months!” She snapped her fingers and hit him in the head. Luckily not hard enough to hurt.

“Whoa Jo it ain't exactly easy to be here when I been here all my life. I wanna go places.” 

“Well that's too bad ‘cause you're stuck with me. Maybe you'll be there when they go to the moon but right now you ain't in the future.” Jo turned back to Castiel after letting Ash go in the back. He'd probably end up sleeping back athere. Who knows. “Now for the love of all things holy, tell me about her.”

Time passed and drinks were drained by mopey faces. Though by the end of the night everything turned out alright. As they always did. So Castiel took a drink of water to sober up even just a little bit and made his way out.

“Hey Castiel?” Jo called out to him. He hummed questionably. “You still got that whaling book she gave you?” 

Castiel paused. He was shocked she remembered who gave it to him. Then again she's had a history of surprising him. “Yeah,” he replied, “Of course. I wouldn't rather carry around any other book.”

“Y'know. There's other Melville books out there. How ‘bout you read one of them?”

“Now why would I do that?”

December 25th, 1985. 8:47 PM

How do people differentiate truth and reality? Because the truth is that sometimes people hear things that aren't reality. Sometimes they see things that no one else can, that don't really take up any space in our world. This isn't untrue, these fake beings aren't a lie, they're just not reality.

Anna sat curled up on the couch. Sam and Jess had left for California hours ago. Maybe it was only minutes in reality but to Anna it felt like hours, so her truth was hours. She felt floodgates crash in her mind and understood how water can burn in her soul. Nothing felt quite like that. It felt soothing being alone yet also so crushing that she wished something would come in to take her out. 

Dean came into the room soon after Anna hit the floor with a thud. She rolled off the couch on her own volition. Facts and truth always confused Dean. He never did finish high school. And he was never good at all the academics.

“Annie you okay? Annie talk to me,” Dean pleaded and begged but Anna wouldn't say a thing. It struck his nerves quite a bit, she could tell. “Annie you know I listen. I love listening.”

No response. No clue about what Dean’s face could possibly look like right then. So she covered her ears to not hear his anger or the way he raised his voice like she knew he would. Everyone else did it. Everyone but Castiel.

The night proceeded when Dean didn't know what else to do. Dean slept the night away with regrets. Probably. The only thing Anna knows is that when he left she saw the nice curtains on the windows. She thought they were too pretty to ruin. Yet the kitchen knives were perfectly mediocre in quality. No one would really miss them.

December 26th, 1985

Castiel woke up with a headache. It's a post-Christmas tradition. He took a shower, got dressed, all the good morning things. Castiel left for coffee and work at 8:25 that morning.

Castiel was half asleep behind the counter. He didn't have to do much today and luckily another employee decided to groom the dogs today. He heard a subtle ring and a coworker yelled something at him that he couldn't make out.

It wasn't until a woman said “Hello?” that he snapped out of his trance. “Hi. I'm sorry. Um, I think your phone is ringing.”

“Oh.” And then he heard it. “Oh. Yeah sorry. What's your name?”

“I'm Kelly. Kline. You should probably answer that,” she mentioned in a somewhat awkward tone.

“Castiel answer it, I'll take care of her, ‘kay?”

“Oh. Okay, sorry.” Castiel picked up the phone. Finally. “This is the Kansas Humane Society how can I-”

“Oh thank god. I'm sorry oh god I'm so sorry.” A recognized voice rang from the telephone. It was Dean, he could tell.

“Dean? What- what are you doing? Why are you calling at work, I can't take personal calls you know-”

“It's an emergency. Cas I'm sorry.”

“What? Slow down Dean, just- just calm down what happened?”

“It's Annie.” Oh. “She's-... Cas just come back. Come back to Abbyville.”

“Dean, I'm working. What happened? What happened to Anna? Dean?” All he could hear was Dean’s breathing, possibly sobbing. Though he’d never heard that noise come from him before so who really knows. “Dean, I need to get back to work, what happened?”

“Please come back soon. I can’t say it, don’t make me say it.” Then he hung up. Rather abrupt it was. The call made Castiel panicked, almost unable to move.

“Castiel? You good?” A concerned voice rumbled in his ears. Then turning towards the voice he saw concerned eyes from both his coworker and the woman. Kelly. “You're looking a bit, you know, whiter.”

“I'm clocking out early.”

“What? Seriously? What happened?” Castiel could tell Kelly looked more concerned as well. “Well if you're gonna leave… Can I give your number to her? You're the dog expert, not me, so…”

“Hmm? Um, sure, okay.” Castiel hesitated. “I'm heading out now, I might be gone tomorrow too.” 

“Are you kidding me??”

“Absolutely. Goodbye Miss Kline.”

“Please, call me Kelly. Goodluck!”

Castiel takes two and a half hours to get back. He'd had to call a cab to Charlie’s house, explain what happened (or what he took from the call), Charlie had to get gas, and then they made their way to Abbyville.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” 

“I don't know.”

“‘It's an emergency’?! What the fuck?!”

“Charlie, you're speeding.”

“I know! I know. I'm sorry, I'm really really pissed.”

“Yeah, I know.”

There was a tense silence between the driver and the passenger. Charlie surprised him with an outlandish assumption. “What if he did something to her.”

“What?”

“I mean, imagine it, this Dean guy calls you ‘cause he misses you. He gets a little jealous and does something to Anna to keep her away from you. It's not improbable! There's a lot of freaks in the world.”

“Charlie. No. I- you've never even met him!”

“Okay okay! I know! But still! You don't know him that well!” Castiel’s mind went to the late nights they spent talking about nothing and everything at once. The few dates they had in their time together. Dean had finally opened up about his mother that one night. Castiel could never get over these few intimate moments. To think that they could all have been lies or even just manipulation pained him more than one could believe. So they went silent again. Just considering the possibilities.

When they pulled up to the house there were police cars and fire trucks just about all over. Even Castiel’s father had been talking to the police. Castiel spotted Dean on a bench with a blanket on and bolted out the car to Charlie’s clear disapproval. Castiel had basically flown himself at Dean. 

Castiel took his cheeks in his hands in the most caring fashion. Dean's eyes were red from dried tears. “Dean, are you okay? What happened?”

“Oh thank god you made it Cas. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.” Dean hugged him tighter than a snake strangling a mouse. “I'd kiss you so hard right now but everyone's watchin’. I'm sorry.”

“Dean. What happened?” After a look from Dean, which was sadder than he'd ever seen him be, he looked back to the house. There was tape around it and cops as well. Castiel turned back to Dean. “Is she…?”

“In there? Yeah. I'm sorry Cas.”

“No. Stop apologizing, you did nothing wrong.”

“I'm sorry.” There was silence. Then hesitation. Then Castiel moved to walk towards the house but Dean stopped him. Dean didn't try too hard to stop him and his grip on Castiel’s arm was weak. But Castiel let Dean push him around. “You won't like it in there. It ain't pretty.”

“I have to see her.” Dean let him go reluctantly. He didn't turn to watch Castiel go in. Castiel didn't think he could turn to look at him again.

Castiel slid past those in the house. He was being pushed back yet they couldn't stop him from running into the front room. Castiel stood silent and shocked on the edge of the doorway.

Anna was laid out on the floor with pools of blood around her arms. It truly was an unbelievable sight. Anna’s eyes looked lifeless and were half closed. The police had clearly gotten there only recently as they still hadn't even gotten her off the floor yet. Dean had probably called Castiel before he called the police. Which wasn't a great idea.

When Castiel was escorted outside he found Charlie easily. She was talking to Dean. Probably giving him a piece of her mind. He'd laugh about it but Castiel couldn't think anything was funny at that moment. Castiel could barely even think.

He walked up to them slowly. Unwillingly. “Castiel, there you are! God, do not just run off- are you okay?” Charlie worried.

“Cas,” Dean spoke up, “I told you it'd be ugly. I'm so sorry.”

Castiel put a hand up to stop Dean from getting any closer. His hand landed on Dean’s chest. “It's okay.”

“What happened, Castiel?”

Chapter Text

It's only right that you should play the way you feel it

But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad

In the stillness of remembering

What you had

And what you lost

- "Dreams" Fleetwood Mac

December 28th, 1985

Spending any amount of time at the Novak’s is in comparison to Hell. Yet after finding out what happened in Dean’s house that night before, he couldn't stand to stay in there for even one night. Castiel sat at his desk in his childhood bedroom. The shelves were littered with books and clutter and pencil holders with empty pens inside and on the desk notebooks sat closed and unused for years. Posters of movies hung above the bed filled the space on the wall. Castiel focused on his writing. Anna’s funeral was nearing closer everyday and everyday felt more and more painful. 

A ring sang loud in the distance, except it wasn’t that distant and Castiel wasn’t that focused. He was zoning out about every day of the week by now. So by three—four now—rings, Castiel finally snapped out of it. He picked up the cordless phone with a sigh, expecting another call from a coworker. He’s always been glad that his parents were well off, but at times like these where he wishes he never asked for that cordless telephone so he could always be available to people he doesn’t really like, he admits he’s envious of people without big money. He fully prepared his “Sorry I can’t talk right now I’m kind of preparing my dead sister’s funeral” speech a long time ago. Though he’s glad he doesn’t have to use it this time.

“Hello, is this, um, Castiel? I just had a few questions about my dog. He’s a rescue and, oh, he’s just the sweetest thing really,” Kelly rambled, or at least who he assumed was Kelly. “This is my first time rescuing a dog and I know how much of a responsibility it is. I mean, I researched about rescues for God knows how long!”

Castiel sat up straight. He thanked God it wasn’t anyone he didn’t like. “Yes, this is Kelly, right? I have time for a few questions.”

“Great, oh perfect, thank you!” 

They went on for hours, which would be sweet if Castiel didn’t have things to do. He felt guilty, as if he was one phone call away from letting his sister rot in a grave. Letting his sister, his best friend since birth, rot felt like another great evil, possibly an evil rising inside of him. Yet he ignored it. As he will do to many things which trouble him. As many people do to many things which trouble them. It’s a difficult reality but it makes things seem easier. 

December 29th, 1985

Dean coming around shouldn’t be as unexpected as it turned out to be. Castiel sat at the dining table in awkward silence. If only Dean hadn’t knocked on the door, or maybe if Castiel had answered it before his father did. Perhaps if things went differently, just the smallest bit, then maybe things wouldn’t be as awkward as being Castiel sitting at the dining table with his not-yet-ex boyfriend and furiously depressed father. Not to mention how skeptical his father is of Anna’s suicide, in fact he wouldn't consider it a suicide. And he's one of those Catholics, the ones who believe suicide is the greatest sin. That thought almost soothes Castiel every time he thinks it. Almost. Almost as if it makes it okay not to be too sad about her passing.

Cooking never ran in the family. Being good at anything never ran in the family, and Dean could tell. Castiel didn’t touch his food, Dean acted as if he was starving as always, and Castiel’s father had that look of expectancy as if Dean would just confess all his sins to him over a plate of undercooked meatloaf. Dean never really understood manners or the awkward atmosphere. 

“Appreciate the meal by the way, didn’t expect to stop in for dinner tonight but I’ll take what I can get,” Dean blurted into the silence. Castiel whipped his head towards him. 

Utensils clattering was the only sound Castiel could hear. Then it stopped. Castiel could hear the words being spat out of his fathers mouth but he couldn’t understand them. All he could hear was Dean’s responses and quips, no matter how dark life has gotten for the two of them. 

“—But that’s not why I came here. I got somethin’ for you Cas,” Dean pulled a card—or maybe it was a note—out of his jacket and waved it at Castiel’s face. Like he could tell Castiel was spacing. Castiel flinched and turned towards him.

”What?” Castiel faced the card, “What is this?” Castiel snatched the note out of his fingers. Dean’s hand lingered in the air for a while. Castiel opened the note with haste. 

“I meant to give it to you earlier—I really did. I don’t know what kinda grief hit me, but damn did it hit hard,” Dean laughed. He was probably just trying to calm himself down from the painful memories, but all Castiel could hear was carelessness. “If you really don’t wanna talk to me again,” His voice got serious, “Then that’s okay. But I’m always here for you, y’know? Just reach out.” 

Dean got up from his seat to leave. Castiel sat looking over the note with an unreadable expression on his face. Dean waved goodbye but Castiel didn’t wave back. He barely even noticed Dean had gotten up to leave, but by the click of the door opening and closing Castiel realized he was gone. 

His father didn’t look pleased. Castiel could tell he was about to have his ear talked off by his fathers overused insults. He couldn’t stand having to sit another second at that table. It felt like it was 1971 again and suddenly he wanted to run back to his room as soon as possible to get away from the loud clutter of noise and yelling and the table to read a book that shouldn’t be better than the Bible, yet it is. But it’s not the 70s and Castiel isn’t twelve and the only people in the house are Castiel and his father. 

Castiel watched the words come out of his father’s mouth, they looked like sound waves, but a different kind, a kind only Castiel would know. The words sounded more like off-tune notes of a violin rehearsing Mozart and sometimes there would be singing in between the horrid sounds of the orchestra. The choir would sing like the church and the language would sound like French, but it wasn’t French it was more so a made up language that sounded like some strange mix of French, Russian, and English. The English parts rushed in at the end and Castiel could tell that there was no church choir or extremely unprofessional orchestra. “—And his clothes and tattoos are unbelievably satanic not to mention the strange note—what does it say, Castiel? Hand it over,” he reached out his hand, “I don’t want that satanist influencing you anymore.” As soon as he snatched the note out of Castiel’s hands, Castiel could feel his tears in his eyes. He felt almost protective of the note, as if he needed to take it back from his father. But Castiel knew he should see it as well.

December 31st, 1985 10:38 PM

Castiel watched as a dark pickup truck parked in the driveway. A flash of long red hair poked out the side of the open door. Castiel waited sitting at the foot of the porch as Charlie walked up to him with her hands in her denim-covered pockets. Her outfit was messy for a city girl, but how “city” can a girl be in Kansas?  Her flannel was covered in a bit of dirt, probably from working with the animals while Castiel was gone. 

“You should likely take that off before walking in, my father will throw a fit.”

“Yeah yeah, I know Cassie.” Charlie started calling Castiel by random nicknames she makes up ever since she met Dean. At first they didn’t get along one bit, she blamed him for a lot of things. After a while of talking over the phone about Anna among other topics, they became close friends. 

Charlie and Castiel walked into the house and Charlie whisked off her flannel onto the coat rack. She’s been to this house once, she visited on Thanksgiving when she drove out of town and Abbyville was on the way back, but she’s never been around long enough to feel completely comfortable at their New Year’s party. Castiel hung his coat up as well.

The only reason Castiel decided to celebrate in his hometown was because of Anna. He couldn’t let her go by leaving town before the funeral, he couldn’t leave her again. So he invited everyone from Wichita while his father sat flipping through the channels on the TV. The one person he couldn’t bring himself to invite was only a few doors over. “I can’t believe you didn’t invite him, by the way,” Charlie complained. Castiel thinks he shouldn’t have introduced them, although it wasn’t on purpose anyway.

Castiel let out a sigh and turned towards her. They stopped walking. “I thought you hated him? Sometimes I wish you still did.”

“Haha very funny, but seriously, you guys were like this,” Charlie shoves her crossed fingers in his face, “and suddenly it’s gone. Just like that! I miss the Castiel that would talk about him for hours, no matter how god awful it always was.” Castiel rolled his eyes at “god awful”, but Charlie’s never been religious so he didn’t care. He contemplated running over to Dean’s house to kiss and make up but he couldn’t bring himself to walk any further than where he currently stood then to the living room. “Let’s motor Cathy, before your dad picks another trashy Mormon movie.”

“You know we’re not Mormon, right?”

 They strode into the living room with great lethargy. The room sat in the midst of a conversation between Joanna, Ash, and Kevin. Charlie asked to bring Kevin along, he’s a friend of hers from college. They talked about what to watch and danced around topics sensitive to Castiel’s father in hopes that they wouldn’t spark an unnecessary lecture about God knows what. Charlie got comfortable next to Jo and hopped into the conversation. Castiel looked around, as if he was forgetting something. Snacks. They were snack-less. “I’ll get us some chips and dip,” he said.

Charlie yelled a joke at him and everyone laughed, Castiel didn’t hear. He made his way to the pantry in the kitchen and grabbed some tortilla chips. He made sure not to forget multiple bowls and cheese dip—unlike the last time they hung out and everyone complained that he didn’t have any. Castiel climbed over legs laying across tables and sat everything down. Jo brought her own champagne, she knew better than to ask if Castiel had any. “Cups!” Charlie pointed at him accusingly, “You forgot cups man! I’ll pour out the cheese and stuff, just get the cups.” Castiel laughed and turned back around, this time with everyone lowering their legs to let him through. 

By the time he made it to the kitchen he could hear the sound of a movie playing, they’d finally picked something. He took out six cups from the cabinet before the doorbell interrupted his thoughts. Jo yelled to get the door so Castiel could bring the cups over. “Thanks Cas,” Kevin sat up, “I can call you that, right?” 

“Of course,” Castiel spoke in a low voice. As much as he acted like he didn’t mind it, he couldn’t help but feel sour every time he heard someone call him Cas. 

“Castiel! Someone’s at the door askin’ for you,” Jo yelled as she poked her head into the living room. “You know him?” His nerves shot up, and apparently so did his father’s. 

“Castiel, I thought this was everyone?” His father looked furious, like he knew exactly who was on the other side of that door. For some reason, Castiel knew too.

Castiel turned to Jo. “I’ll get it.” He sounded close to overexhaustion. He walked down the hall to the door. Dean’s spiky hair peeked above Jo’s head and he turned to look behind her. Dean locked eyes with Castiel, his face fell serious again. Maybe he began to search for any spark of light in Castiel’s face. He knew he’d never find it, but that never stopped him from looking, from hoping. “Jo,” Castiel spoke, “You should go back to the living room, you might miss the movie.” 

“Right. I see you, Castiel.” Jo left with a wink to Castiel. He could tell she was getting the wrong idea. She giggled all the way down the hall. Castiel slowly made his way to Dean.

”Sorry. Didn’t mean to crash the holiday party Cas.” Dean almost returned to his casual demeanor until the word “Cas” came out his mouth and set his mind straight.

Castiel let himself hold a small smile. “It’s alright. It’s not much of a party anyways. Not like I drink.” Happiness seeped through his sadness, it always seems to do that around Dean. It feels wrong to Castiel, he starts thinking he should avoid Dean more.

Dean let out a slight chuckle. “Right, right,” Dean ran his fingers through his hair, “Well, happy New Years nonetheless.” Dean turned away awkwardly to leave when Castiel grabbed his forearm to stop him.

”Wait. You don’t have to leave,” Castiel mentally facepalmed, “Unless, of course, you want to…”

Dean’s face lit up when he turned back around. “Really now? Glad we’re still talking then.”

E.T. lit up the box TV. Castiel had gotten it on VHS for his father as soon as it was available. He wanted his father to start watching real movies so his siblings would stop bothering him about all the new movies he hadn’t seen. And despite Castiel’s desperate efforts, he still never watched E.T., at least not until today. 

Charlie paid no attention to the movie and decided to face the clock. She counted each minute aloud, and though she whispered through her teeth, everyone could hear. Dean was sitting next to Castiel and Jo on the longer couch. Castiel’s father sat agitated on the chair which was put up to lounge on. Anyone could tell he couldn’t stand having Dean in his house, anyone including Dean himself. 

Time flew by fast. They’ve now been deprived of chips and Charlie had almost given up reading each minute. Now it’s only every five. The credits to E.T. had basically been looping at this point. Chatter rose around the room, though Castiel and his father rarely interjected. “It’s 11:50 now, Carly.” Charlie spoke with a wink. A hilariously bad wink. 

Castiel scoffed out a laugh, “Yeah okay, thanks, Charlie.” Jo and Ash were caught up in a heated argument as Dean got up unexpectedly. No one paid any attention to Dean and Castiel at that moment. Dean seemed to be going outside to smoke. At this point it was as if Castiel wasn’t even in control of his own body. He got up to follow Dean.

When Castiel got out to the porch, Dean’s cigarette was already lit. Dean seemed only a bit surprised. “It was getting a bit loud in there,” Castiel said. 

Dean nodded in agreement. “Yeah, but it really makes you wonder,” Dean puffed out a bit of smoke, “who in the hell doesn’t think that alien’s sorta’ cute?”

Castiel laughed. “I don’t know, a lot of people.”

“Oh, don’t tell me you hate extraterrestrial beings now,” Dean teased. Castiel missed this. The relentless teasing, the laughing, the being the only person Dean would really talk to while he smoked. Being friends before being together. It almost felt healing, if it weren’t for a growing burden in Castiel’s throat.

“No way. Trust me, it’s still just people I hate.” Their laughter grew louder. Each minute together was better than the last. And before they knew it, fireworks from towns over interrupted them.

“Shit. Happy New Year, I guess.” Dean put out his cigarette and turned to Castiel expectantly. Castiel froze. He knew what he wanted to do, but he also knew what he should do. So instead he decided to give Dean the most mixed signal of the century. Castiel struck an annoyingly passionate kiss to Dean’s lips. His mouth tasted obscene, given he’d just smoked right before. Castiel pulled himself away several minutes after and looked to the ground with nearly closed eyes. Dean stood shocked and worried. 

Castiel wiped his lips quickly and spoke, “I’m sorry, Dean.” Dean put a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. Dean expected it would help, Castiel knew it would only make things worse. Castiel bit his bottom lip hard and couldn’t stand to look Dean in the eyes. “I just—I need space.”

”What?” Dean spoke softly. “Cas you can’t just–“

“Happy New Year, Dean.”