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It’s the end of October when it truly hits me. I have a deeply concerning, and quite frankly embarrassing crush on my new best friend, Simon Kelleher. The few weeks since I’d met Simon and Janae have been some of my best, getting to know little by little about the two of them.
Especially with Janae, it took her no time to include me into all of their shenanigans. She told me all about ‘About That’, she’d told me her and Simon started it to get back at all those who looked down on them. And while I can’t find myself helping them with the site I support them both. Recently Janae has been gushing about a girl she likes, her name is Maeve and Janae is absolutely smitten.
And in return in the month I’d known Simon I’d found myself smitten. I could see why people disliked him at times, sometimes the things he posted on About That were too personal, and not very tasteful. But despite that when Simon and I were alone he was different. We find ourselves talking about the games he’s playing, he offers to show me some of them but without a console at home playing is impossible. We talk about my old school and the issues I had there, mostly with bullying, which is obviously something Simon resonates with.
Janae despite all her ranting about hating romance, and hating stupid declarations has been a nervous wreck all week. Today we’re at Simon’s house, the usual place we choose, in most part due to the size. It was no secret the Kelleher’s lived well, and their house showed that perfectly, his mother was a perfectionist. Everything in the house was neat and in order all the time, it was something I complimented the first time I’d come over.
His mother had thanked me profusely, telling me that ‘they tried so hard to keep it all neat.’. But really they had maids to clean, as Simon had told me later in his room. Currently me and Janae are discussing how she should go about this crush, when Simon just scoffs from where he sits on his computer.
“You could just go up to her and tell her, it’ll be easier than coming up with some mission impossible plan.” He doesn’t even glance back at us when saying it, Janae jokingly flips him off. We’re both on his bed, sprawled out, on a lazy Saturday night.
“That’s not how it works ya know, you're being callous again Simon.” I shoot back at him, saying he was being callous may have been stretching, it’s more like cynical.
“Yeah? Well how else is she supposed to know unless she’s told?” I laugh at him, he sounds like every guy ever.
“Oh, so if you had a crush on someone you’d just walk right up to them and declare it?” He turns his chair towards us and narrows his eyes at me, and Janae is loving it as she’s losing it with laughter.
“And what, you would Y/N?” Now I’m narrowing my eyes at him.
“I never said that Simon, but for your information, no I wouldn’t. Honestly I wouldn’t even know where to start.” It’s the truth, out of all the crushes I’ve had, not a single one even noticed me.
“Well with all your words of support Y/N I’m going to go talk to her at lunch on Monday. So try not to miss me too much at the table you two.” Janae pats my back soothingly, and I just laugh at her antics while Simon shakes his head and goes back to his monitor.
“Wanna know a secret?” Janae is so close to my face our cheeks are touching as she whispers it into my ear. Dying to know what she has hidden away I nod. “Simon has a big fat crush on someone, but he refuses to do anything about it.” As she leans back away from me I see the biggest, smuggest look on her face.
I want to ask her about a thousand more questions, but she jumps off the bed and declares it’s time for her to go home. She ruffles Simon's hair on her way past him and he groans overdramatically. I just laugh at them, then get to a sitting position on the bed.
“So, Simon.” I pause and he turns over to me in his chair, he raises his eyebrows at me to continue. “Do you have a crush?” His face was expressionless for a few moments, then he turned around again.
“No.” He says quickly, I get up and walk over to him.
“Awfully suspicious sir.” I tease at him, he’s refusing to even turn his head towards me. “Ya know if crime TV has taught me anything, when people get shifty like this, they're usually lying.”
He stops typing and looks at me finally, I’m leaning on the wall next to his desk. “And? So what if I did have a crush on someone? Why would it matter?” He’s getting defensive, the tone of his voice is sharper now, it makes me flinch.
“Sorry, I shouldn't have prodded that much.” I whisper to him, and he sighs and backs his chair away from the desk.
“No, I’m sorry. Shouldn’t have snapped at you.” His apology surprises me more than him snapping.
“I guess it’s just that we are friends Simon, if you had a crush on someone you could tell me, I’d try to help you the best I can with it.” He nods and just keeps staring at me, Simon is always one to analyze every situation. It’s something he’s doing right now, as he rakes his eyes over my entire form. And while yes I would help him with his crush, my own heart is beating away with the possibility that another one of my crushes will never be.
“I know Y/N. And I would tell you, but I don’t have anyone.” And with that the conversation is over. “Get a look at this though, someone put in a tip that the mascot has been taking pictures of the play book and selling it to the other teams.” His smile is downright devious, and I scoot towards him to look at the post and the tip. Sure enough someone has submitted pictures of the mascot doing the deed, and after reading Simon's post I turn my head to tell him it looks good.
But as I go to turn my head I realize just how close we are, so close I can see his adam's apple bob clear as day. I clear my throat and back away, before I do something stupid.
“It looks really good Simon, I mean it. Very well written.” He smiles at me, and I still haven’t recovered from being that close to him, and the smile he gives me is gorgeous.
“Thanks.” He has a little dust of pink on his cheeks and he turns to post it. A glance at the clock makes me sigh, something he of course notices. “Do you have to go home?” I look back to him, and Simon looks hopeful that I’ll say ‘hell with the rules! I’m staying’. My brother was already concerned about me spending alone time with a boy, no matter how often I told him we were just friends.
“I do have to go, you know my brother will freak if I’m late.” This time he sighs.
“You could tell him you're staying at Janae’s, I’m sure she would corroborate the alibi if you asked.” I laugh at him, he wants me to stay and it warms my whole body up. And as tempting as it is, lying will get me nowhere, all lies eventually come to light.
“No, I have to go, but I’m truly touched you want me to stay.” I playfully put my hands over my chest while laughing. I’m on the other side of his room now, collecting my things and stuffing them in my bag.
“Oh yeah, you're so funny.” He stands up and starts walking towards me, he's about a foot away when he stops. “Okay funny girl, now I have a question. Do you have a crush on anyone?” The question is simple, a big fat yes. But I can’t tell him that, if I tell him I like someone he’d wanna know who, and again I can’t tell him that. So instead I decided to play with him.
“The answer depends.” I state.
“Depends on what?” He asks.
“It depends on what you plan to do with that information.” He steps a little closer, and my breathing hitches.
“I plan on doing nothing with it, if you were to tell me. I promise it will be our secret.” I laugh at him, Simon and secrets don’t go well together.
“Maybe I’ll tell you later, I’ll let the suspense kill you for a while. But I really do need to get home.” He looks disappointed.
“Do you need a ride home, or is your brother picking you up?” This was one of the things about Simon that doesn’t help my crush. Despite being mean or even callous at times, no matter what he checks to see if I have a way home. Not that this is just for me, he also checks with Janae as well. But it still makes me feel fuzzy inside.
“Could you give me a ride? He’s working patrol tonight.” Simon nods and I get my stuff ready, and in just a couple minutes we’re downstairs where we are met with Simon's parents in the kitchen.
“Good evening Mrs.Kelleher, Mr.Kelleher.” His parents are nice, a complete far cry from my own.
“Hello dear, heading home?” I nod, and Simon says he needs to go get his keys then we’ll go. “Always so kind of him, to offer to give you rides.”
“Yeah, he can be really nice sometimes.” Simon’s mother is aware of his life, how people see him. When I’d come over for the third time she’d told me how happy she was that he had another friend. She smirks at my joke, then Simon is back and I wave goodbye to them before leaving.
“Did they say anything weird to you?” I know Simon has a difficult relationship with his parents, but his question still confuses me.
“Weird like what?” I say as I buckle myself in.
“I don’t know, just weird parents stuff.” He shrugs and then we’re off. Rides with Simon were something I’d grown to love, the chatter we’d have, or even just the comfortable silence. Today is mostly silent.
“Hey Y/N?” I turn my head to him, his hands are on the wheel and his eyes are glued to the road. “Do you trust me?” He says it quietly, like it was a challenge to say.
“Of course I do Simon.” I don’t even skip a beat before it comes out. And the answer seems to relax him.
“Why won’t you tell me then? I kinda thought it was because you didn’t trust me to keep it to myself.” He’s still hung up on my possible crush.
“I don’t want to sound mean, Simon, but why do you want to know so badly?” He finally looks over at me.
“I just wanna know who it is, because then I could tell you if it's worth your time. I know a lot about the people in our school, and if you like someone who is horrible then you should know.”
“What if I don’t like anyone?” He shakes his head, he knows something I don’t, it’s written all over his face.
“Janae told me you did.” We’re at a stoplight, and he takes the chance to turn to me again. “Whoever it is, I just want to protect you.” He sounds serious, more than I'd heard him sound ever since meeting him.
“I’m sorry Simon, it’s just really personal.” I almost want to tell him, get it off my chest, but the moment is over when someone honks behind him and he moves again. My heart is beating about a mile per minute, the look on his face, his voice, it was all putting me into overdrive.
When we arrive at my building he parks, and this time turns off the car, and turns to me. Simon is persistent.
“Janae told me too, ya know. That you have a crush on someone, and yet you sat there and denied it, and I let it go.” I don’t want to sound angry, but I’m getting annoyed with this. Simon is being a hypocrite. “How about this Simon, if you tell me who you like, I’ll tell you who I like.”
The idea plays on Simon's brain, I can see him considering every option he has before he speaks. “Yeah, let's do it. But I insist, ladies first.” His teasing tone isn’t helping.
“I…” I pause, it’s harder than I thought it would be, especially with him sitting there grinning at me waiting. “I like someone who’s in the same grade as us.”
“That’s not the deal Y/N, and you know it.” He sounds stern now, and it’s also not helping my nerves.
So I take a deep breath before trying again. “I have a crush on..” I open my mouth to say it but it won’t come out, so I look ahead of me out the window instead. If I’m going to ruin my friendship then it’s best I don’t see his face.
“I have a crush on you Simon.” I finally spit it out, and I feel so stupid when the declaration is met with silence. I feel like I’m about to cry, so I open the car door to leave. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have even said anything.”
Behind me I hear him leave the car and follow me into the building. “Stop Y/N. Just stop for a second.” He grabs me by the arm and turns me to him, and I finally look at him again. His expression is frantic, and he goes to say more but just ends up gaping at me.
I walk to the apartment and he follows again. “Please, just let me come inside and we can talk more. Please Y/N?” The look of desperation on his face is what sells me, so I just nod and let him in. He goes to the couch and sits down.
“Are we gonna talk yet, or have I made enough of a fool out of myself.” He snaps his head to me.
“I have a crush on you.” He comes clean. “And I told Janae when I realized and she’s been teasing me for the last week, and when she told me earlier today that you liked someone too I got scared.” He’s blabbering on, it just keeps coming out. “And all day I was panicking trying to figure something out, how to get who it is from you.” I walk over to him to stop him, I grab his shoulders and that does the job. He looks up at me, and Simon looks terrified. “Were you telling the truth Y/N?"
Simon struggles with his self worth, it’s something I’ve picked up on in the last few weeks. So he buys me and Janae food, and books for me, and even with him giving me rides home. It hurts me that he can’t see how amazing he is, that he doesn’t have to always prove his worth to others.
“Yes, I like you Simon.” His face shifts in seconds, from scared out of his wits, to joy. The smile that spreads over his face is utterly contagious. This time I take the first step, I bring my hands from his shoulders to his face, I gently run my fingers over his cheeks. And relish in the blush that adorns them.
“I like how kind you are to me and Janae, how you always wanna make sure I get home safe. I like how you always want me to proofread your posts before you put them out, how much you trust me with them.” He looks like he’s about to melt away with the praise I throw his way. I move to sit next to him, he just looks at me. “Do you trust me Simon?”
“With my life.” He states quickly, and I laugh a little at him. Which makes him smile.
So I lean in, and he follows my lead, we meet halfway together. The kiss is better than I had imagined, and we stay connected for a second before I pull away, which does not last long before Simon goes to dive back in. This second kiss is continuous, and we both learn in real time how to move with each other, Simon pulls away this time gasping for air.
“I want to take you on a real date tomorrow, if you want.” The idea that I’d turn him down now is ridiculous. I kiss him again instead with a smile on my lips, and Simon just laughs into it.