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Gicheul turned the gun on himself and time slowed down. He looked at Junmo, silently pleading for him to shoot him, to save him from this last sin even if he was still to be dragged to hell anyway. Junmo stared back, a plea in his own eyes asking Gicheul not to do this to him, to not force him to obey. But Gicheul wouldn’t relent on this, even if he had to do it himself.
He closed his eyes and took a breath. This was it. His last act.
"Jung Gicheul!"
Junmo never called him by his name and it shocked him into snapping his eyes open. Junmo's sudden proximity took him by surprise just enough to allow Junmo to grab his wrist and try to wrestle the gun from his hand. He really didn't understand this man in front of him—why was he trying to stop him? Wouldn't this be easier for everyone? Wouldn’t his death bring them all peace?
"Please..." Junmo begged. His grip was harsh and unrelenting but Gicheul resisted with everything he had.
Gicheul stared at him, confused. He sniffed, voice strained as he said, "Tell me why you let me go." He thought he knew but he needed Junmo to say it if he truly didn’t want him to pull the trigger.
"Drop the gun and I'll tell you, you bastard!" Junmo shouted in his face, pulling on his wrist harder.
"No. Tell me...or I'll shoot."
"Gicheul, please." His expression was panicked and pleading. The use of his name so casually made him soften a little.
Only a little. "Five, four, three, tw—"
"Because I wanted to give you a chance!" Junmo shouted. "You said you wanted to live a normal life and I wanted you to, okay? I wanted you to live as a free man because I actually give a damn about you! Because you’re my best friend and I don't want to put you in prison!”
Gicheul stared at his face, trying to detect any hint of deception or manipulation but he simply couldn't tell when it came to Junmo anymore. He couldn't from the very beginning. Junmo was either the world's greatest actor or Gicheul was the biggest fool. Perhaps it was both.
"That damn face," Gicheul spat. "That goddamn face. How did you always look so sincere?”
Junmo didn’t answer and he managed to pry the gun out of Gicheul’s hand. He handed it to Euijeong which drew Gicheul’s attention back to her.
“You too. Is it because you’re married and rubbed off on each other?”
Fresh tears spilled from her eyes but she didn’t answer him either. It pissed him off.
“Why won’t you answer me?!” He shouted, his voice cracking pathetically.
Junmo suddenly hugged him and Gicheul tried to push him off but he wouldn’t budge. “Boss!”
Gicheul tensed, the urgency and anger in Junmo's voice getting to him despite everything. Junmo took advantage of his shocked state by moving one hand to the back of Gicheul’s neck and pulling them flush together, even their faces pressing together. The gesture of comfort was enough to trigger his emotions again and have them all spill out through tears, sobs, and curses.
Junmo quickly became the only reason Gicheul was still standing, his hands clutching Junmo’s jacket for dear life as his knees threatened to give out. Gicheul made sounds he’d never heard before—lamenting over having everything ripped away from him. Eventually, he felt Euijeong’s arms wrap around his back and it only made things worse because the people who destroyed his life were his only comfort now.
○♡○♡○♡○♡
Gicheul didn’t know when but at some point he’d passed out and only became aware of this fact when he stirred to the sound of voices near him.
"What are we going to do with him?" Euijeong asked.
"Find him a safe place to stay until we can get him out of Korea. I hear Switzerland is nice."
Gicheul decided then to not draw any attention himself and simply just listen—maybe get some clarity on how they both felt about him and this whole shitty situation.
"What?"
"What?" Junmo repeated.
"You want to help him?"
"Why wouldn't I?" He asked as if it was obvious.
Why would you?
"Because he came in here waving a gun around in our faces." Euijeong said as if reading Gicheul’s mind.
"And if he wanted us dead we would be.”
“Is that supposed to be comforting?” Her tone dripped with disbelief.
Junmo sighed heavily. Gicheul could tell he needed a cigarette. "He wants a normal life, Euijeong, but he can't ever have one here. All he can do is start over somewhere else. Why can’t we give that to him after all we’ve done to him?”
Euijeong didn't respond at first, lost in thought, then she said, "He’ll have to live on the run for the rest of his life and I’m not saying I want him in prison but he is a criminal and he has to face the consequences of what he’s done. Besides, you let him run once and tonight he just showed you exactly why he’s too dangerous to just let go.”
"He would never hurt you."
Euijeong scoffed. "You can’t be sure of that, and what about you, huh? What if he kills you?"
"Then I'm dead and you can marry him." It wasn’t said bitterly but the venom in Junmo’s words was hard to miss.
The room fell deadly silent, even Gicheul was afraid of his breathing being too loud but he did open his eyes, sure they were too engaged in their fight to spare him a glance.
When it finally came, Euijeong's response wasn't what either of them expected. "Or maybe I'm dead and you can have him instead."
"What?"
"Do you think I haven't noticed that you're still wearing that damn watch?"
"So?"
"The clothes, the watch, you've kept them all as if...as if you expect to return to the person who gave them to you, yet you fiddle with your wedding ring like it doesn't fit right anymore—like you don't want it's weight on your finger."
"Well...maybe I don't."
A beat of silence.
”You don’t love me anymore?” Euijeong asked, sounding heartbroken.
”That’s not…I just can’t stop seeing you with him. Touching him, smiling at him and kiss…kissing him. You didn’t need to get involved in the investigation, and you could’ve left after that night we fought those assholes, but you stayed. You started planning a future with him.”
”I was undercover.”
”You didn’t need to be! You should’ve left!”
”I was trying to protect you.”
”You didn’t need to anymore! Just admit that you wanted to stay by his side.”
Euijeong huffed in frustration. ”And what about you? You could’ve stopped at any time so why didn’t you?”
”Because then it all would’ve been for nothing! I needed to get promoted but even if I’d changed my mind about that, I would die if a single one of the gang members stumbled upon me by accident. I was in too deep but you had a lifeline thrown at you and you ignored it.”
Euijeong huffed, clearly annoyed. “You know, Junmo, I’ve always loved you exactly as you are. I didn’t need you to get promoted to see your worth, I just needed you by my side. And do you know what the real difference between you and I is? I know how to separate my feelings from the mission.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that you seduced your first love and felt nothing?”
“Yes. Because it was just work, you are my husband, you are the man I love...At least you used to be. I don’t know who you are anymore. Are you still the man I love or are you Gicheul’s man?”
Junmo huffed in frustration. “Why…why do you care more about my loyalty for Gicheul than my affair with Haeryeon?”
“Because she’s gone and the man you pursued her for is right here. The man you changed for. The man you killed for.”
”I did everything for you.”
”No.” She shook her head, physically refusing his reply. “That’s just an excuse. You wanted to outrank me for your own ego and you did everything it took to do so and now you resent me just as much for getting involved and ranking the same as you anyway as you do me seducing Gicheul.”
Junmo didn’t have a response.
“And yes, it did bother me to see you with Haeryeon, but that night at dinner your eyes still went to me first. That’s all I needed to know that you wouldn’t sleep with her because for all your faults you’re a loyal man, Junmo. You probably let her go like you did Gicheul and I even understand why, but when it comes to him I can’t help feeling insanely jealous.”
“Jealous? Why?”
Euijeong shrugged, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “I don’t know what it is exactly but I have this feeling that you’ve missed him everyday since you came back to me. Sometimes I see you look at me but it’s like I’m not the one your eyes were searching for and your smile slips just a little. No one else would even notice but I do. Every. Time. It’s like you came back to me just because you promised to and not because it’s what you wanted.”
Junmo’s response came slow and unsteady. “Did…did you even want me to come back after that night?”
Now she didn’t have a response, the air crackling with tension.
Answer. Please, answer, Gicheul thought.
“Just tell me the truth, did you ever waver for even a moment?”
Euijeong sighed heavily then said, “I liked that he was changing just as much as I hated that you were, but I only ever felt guilty about how easy it was to trick him into believing that I loved him. You can believe me or not, but I was only trying to make sure you got out alive.”
A beat of silence, then, “…I don’t think it really matters anymore if I believe you or not. The damage has been done.”
Euijeong is silent for a moment then asks, “Should I file for divorce?”
Junmo’s reply was a delayed, “Probably.”
“And what about Gicheul? Should I call the police?”
“Don’t. Please.”
Euijeong stared at Junmo with her big eyes, hurt apparent in her expression. “This is why I can’t help being jealous. For me you should softly plead without hesitation, and for him you should say probably like it was a hard choice but the obvious one.”
“Euijeong—“
She held up her hand to stop him. “It’s okay. I don’t know at what point but our marriage ended with him.” She stood and walked towards the bedroom. “Help him all you want. I won’t interfere but I’m not going to stick around for it.”
”Where are you going?”
”To pack.” The door slammed shut behind her—the only sign about how upset she actually was.
A few seconds later Junmo cursed and knocked something to the floor.
Gicheul looked towards him. Junmo was standing in the middle of the kitchen, his hands on his head, a chair at his feet. It’s always only him. Even after he’s betrayed me, he’s still the only one on my side…What do I make of that? What do I make of anything they just said?
Junmo turned and Gicheul closed his eyes. He listened for Junmo and after a few seconds he heard him settle on the floor in front of the couch. Junmo sighed heavily. “I guess you’re the only person I have left, Boss…It’s almost funny, huh? I wanted to take you down for two ranks just so I could impress people that hate me and give my wife a reason to brag about me, but now I don’t want her or any of it and all I know how to do anymore is protect you. But I might screw that up too.”
Junmo went quiet and it wasn’t until he heard him sniffling that Gicheul realized he was crying.
Gicheul’s confusion only grew but he at least understood Junmo cared about him—that that was real if nothing else. Junmo cared. For some reason. But Euijeong either didn’t at all or just didn’t care the same way he did about her. Knowing and not knowing who actually gave a damn about him made Gicheul want to cry too.
His eyes burned with tears and he covered them with the back of his arm, listening as Junmo cried, soft and choking. Despite himself, he softened. Junmo had been a traitor from the beginning and yet he was showing more loyalty than his high school friends—Jungbae and Heesung at least. Only Taeho, if he was alive, would’ve been at his side at this point. But then, Junmo wouldn’t be there at all.
If Taeho was here, none of this would’ve happened. I wouldn’t have met Euijeong again and I wouldn’t have a traitorous bastard like Park Junmo at my side…
After a while, they both stopped crying and the room was completely silent. Gicheul slowly opened his eyes and realized Junmo was a lot closer than he realized—his head rested barely a foot away and was turned towards the ceiling, holding his wedding band over his face. Taeho’s watch in plain sight on his wrist. As if it really mattered to him.
Gicheul didn’t know how he felt at that moment but he wanted to say something. “Are you going to slip that on my finger and elope with me to Switzerland?”
Junmo looked at him, not a trace of emotion in his eyes. “It’s bad luck to give someone the ring of a failed marriage.”
Gicheul stared at him, taking in every line of his face. He wanted to smile and he wanted Junmo to return it. Neither of them moved a muscle.
Junmo sat up properly and put the ring on the coffee table. “Are you hungry?”
”Starving.”
“I’ll make you something.” Junmo stood up without looking at him and took off his service jacket. He set it on the end of the couch and went to the kitchen.
Gicheul turned to lay on his back and stare up at the ceiling. What the hell was he supposed to do now? The thought of starting all over was overwhelming and made him want to die—and that feeling had hardly eased knowing that the only person on his side save for his mom and sister was the man who had ripped everything away from him. All he could do was silently stew on everything that had happened and mourn it all like a persistent full body ache.
Euijeong eventually walked out of her room with a suitcase and a fresh outfit. Gicheul sat up and she stopped to stare at him briefly then she pulled something from her coat pocket and stormed up to him, grabbing his hand and placing it in his palm.
It turned out to be the necklaces he’d bought her.
“I’m sorry for bringing you to this point.” She was looking at the floor when she spoke.
”Then stay and help me now.”
Euijeong shook her head. “I can’t even look at you. I know you’ve been changing for my sake lately but I’m still disgusted by everything you’ve done—by everything you became in our years apart. Maybe that’s part of why I couldn’t bring myself to warn you and let you slip away like my husband did.”
“Did you want to even a little bit?” He asked hopefully—pathetically.
”I wanted to want to because you looked so happy when you showed me that house but…I was always going to let my husband catch you. For who you made him into if nothing else. And I don’t regret it. You’re not the first love I cherished, you’re just a gangster who created drug problems in this country, and I’m just a cop who did her job.”
It hurt—his belly twisting uncomfortably.
“I won’t tell anyone where you are but that’s the last thing I’ll ever do for you,” She said, finally looking at him with her big doe eyes—they were full of determination. “But if you ever hurt my husband I’ll hunt you down to the ends of the earth and kill you myself. Understood?”
His heart ached but he nodded his understanding, not sure what to say to such a firm goodbye, glad she turned away from him as a tear slipped from his right eye. She truly wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
“I’m going to stay with my father. Call me if you need anything.” Euijeong said to Junmo’s back.
“Okay,” Junmo said quietly. “Don’t forget to meet your brother for lunch tomorrow.”
“Okay.” She said like it was hard to breathe, and then she left without looking back once.
Gicheul wiped at his eyes and put the necklaces on the coffee table next to Junmo’s ring. He pulled off the matching cross necklace he still had on and set it there as well—his own contribution to the graveyard of failed love before him. Part of him wanted to laugh hysterically because his first love hadn’t wavered and hadn’t warned him not to go to the port, but instead Junmo, the one without any obligation or reasoning, had been the one to waver and let him go.
Part of him wanted to cry because Junmo was in the next room making him something to eat when one of them should be dead. He swallowed roughly, suppressing his feelings. He felt a little unsteady but not quite as manic as when he had the gun. I just need to calm down before I spiral again.
“Come eat, Boss.” Junmo called, interrupting his thoughts.
Gicheul got up and went to sit at the small table where a bunch of dishes were waiting for him, Junmo too. He picked up his chopsticks but hesitated to eat, a lot still on his mind.
Junmo put pork belly and kimchi into his rice bowl without saying anything. Gicheul watched him eat for a moment and thougt he looked utterly exhausted. Sad too.
Gicheul forced himself to speak.“You're really just going to let your wife leave like that?"
"You heard everything. Does it sound like our marriage can be fixed?"
"Maybe if I was dead."
Junmo paused briefly, then said, "We would break up anyway. We weren't just saying empty things, we were saying everything we've been avoiding since we came back to our life together."
Gicheul watched Junmo eat for a moment. "Why do you still want to help me?”
Junmo exhaled heavily, picking at his rice. “I’m still your man, aren’t I? I’ve just got a different name now.”
“After everything, why would you—why do you still care about what happens to me?”
Junmo suddenly grabbed an egg slice and shoved it in his mouth—unfazed by Gicheul staring at him expectantly. He filled his mouth with rice and didn’t answer until he finished. “I believe in you, Boss. You want a normal life like everybody else and this was the only way I could give it to you. Maybe I should apologize for snatching everything away from you, but if it hadn’t been me it would’ve been someone else and you would either be dead or in prison by now.”
“If it were someone else, maybe I could’ve caught them first.”
“Maybe. A lot was done to cover up my identity and I don’t know if another man would’ve done half the things I did to reach this point.”
“Like killing all those men? Taking a knife to the back? Rescuing me from that crazy bastard cop?”
“For starters.”
Gicheul stared at him, processing. “You could’ve died for me, you know that right? You could’ve died during any of those times and all your lying would’ve been for nothing, did you really have to go that far just to get me?”
Junmo finally looked up at him, expression closed off. “Yes. To get you, the bastard trying to steal my wife, the scum bringing drugs into the country, I had to go that far.”
Gicheul gave him a hard stare. "You went that far but you let me go. The one thing you were supposed to do above everything else was to catch me, and you failed willingly. I've been thinking about that all this time and it's the reason why I wanted it to be you who killed me instead of me killing you."
"…I couldn't decide whether or not to obey your order until the last second but I knew I didn't want you dead."
"Wouldn't it make things easier if I were?"
Junmo’s resolve faltered first and he looked away. “...You know, at some point, you weren’t just my target but my partner I wanted to protect. You still are and I don’t know how to change that even if I wanted to.”
Gicheul slowly grabbed his chopsticks, processing Junmo’s words, and started eating. No matter what he says I just don’t understand him. I don’t understand anything or where we go from here.
They ate in silence, tension building with all the things left unsaid, but neither of them were willing to break or ease it even just a little—a mutual punishment.
After they ate, Junmo sent Gicheul to shower while he cleaned the table, and when Gicheul came back, he was squeaky clean and wearing a fresh pair of clothes Junmo had lent him, barely any words spoken between them during the entire process.
“You can sleep in the bed,” Junmo said, urging Gicheul to follow him into the bedroom.
“The couch is fine.”
Junmo ignored him and led him into his room. Gicheul awkwardly climbed into the queen sized bed but didn’t lie down, watching Junmo dig through a cabinet for clothes, presumably to shower.
“You know I can’t stay in the country for much longer.”
“I know.”
”And you’ll really hide me until then? You’ll really just let me go again?”
Junmo huffed softly as he took off his watch and put it on top of the dresser. ”I don’t want you to go to prison. You might be a real bastard but I can’t imagine how much worse you’ll be in a place like that. Out here…I don’t know if you can be a good man but you’ll at least have the chance to try.”
Gicheul went quiet at that. But my only reason to be good or have a normal life just turned her back on me.
Junmo finished finding his clothes and went to shower without another word. Gicheul still didn’t lie down. He looked around the room, at the pictures and decorations, able to distinguish between Euijeong’s things and Junmo’s. Evidence of their life together before it was all ruined.
He can’t help feeling uncomfortable lying in their marital bed knowing he was the reason things were over between them.
I feel like a mistress and I can’t even tell whose. They both seemed jealous of the other’s bond with me.
And the feeling of being an affair partner only grew as the couple’s words sprung to the forefront of his mind, everything they’d said replaying in his head but something Euijeong said in particular caught his attention.
“Jealous? Why?”
“I don’t know what it is exactly but I have this feeling that you’ve missed him everyday since you came back to me. Sometimes I see you look at me but it’s like I’m not the one your eyes were searching for and your smile slips just a little. No one else would even notice but I do. Every. Time. It’s like you came back to me just because you promised to and not because it’s what you wanted.”
He couldn’t help but come to one singular conclusion, the only one that matched Junmo’s described behavior.
Is…Is Junmo in love with me? Is that why he let me go?
Gicheul’s heart skipped at the thought and he wasn’t sure if it was because it made him happy or if it terrified him. But it did make a few things about Junmo click into place—like he’d been staring at an upside down book and someone flipped it rightside up and he could suddenly understand it. Now he fully understood Euijeong being jealous of him, why Junmo secretly let him go, and why he’d wanted him to live, why he had ignored Gicheul’s plea to kill him.
Gicheul had loved Junmo like a brother but now…well, he didn’t know what the hell they were or how to feel. Everything was broken and couldn’t be put back together the same no matter how hard they tried. Still, he couldn’t just walk away from Junmo if he tried. They would never be brothers again but maybe they could become something else.
The buried Catholic in him briefly tried to protest but to a sinner like him love was the only slice of paradise he would attain anyway, even if it just added another sin to the tally. So he made his choice then—maybe not with the best mindset and perhaps impulsively—but he had a feeling it would stick. That Park Junmo was his until one or both of them were dead.
If I’m going to be treated like a homewrecker I might as well act like one.
Junmo walked in at that precise moment. “You’re still not asleep?”
“Come here.” Gicheul demanded.
Junmo gave him an annoyed look because of his tone but walked over to his side of the bed obediently.
”Did you really miss me after I was gone?”
Junmo huffed. “Does it matter?”
Gicheul stared at him expectantly.
Junmo looked down at his feet awkwardly as he shifted on them. “At some point, thinking about you became a habit and I couldn’t break it even when you disappeared. Even when I was back to my real life with Euijeong. So yeah, I missed you, is that so wro—“
Gicheul sat up and grabbed Junmo by the front of his tank top and kissed him once on the mouth, pulling away to stare intensely at Junmo for a reaction. Junmo stared back in confusion that quickly turned to determination. Junmo grabbed his face without hesitation, kissing him roughly and adjusting them both so they found the perfect angle to keep kissing—passion and desperation building.
Gicheul pulled away first and said, “You’re my man and I don’t know how to change that even if I wanted to so…just stay with me wherever I go.”
Junmo nodded slowly at his awkward confession, a smile finally slipping onto his face.“Yes, Boss.”
Gicheul smiled too and laid back on the mattress, pulling Junmo on top of him before he started kissing him again. Maybe the two of them were ill-fated in this life, meant to die at the other’s hands, or maybe die together, but either way they were still meant to be. They just needed to figure out how to live in the aftermath of that fate almost being realized. Gicheul thought kissing was a pretty great way to start.