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Burned Letters Consumed by the Kiramman Fireplace
Dear Vi,
There was a bird on my windowsill and it made me think of you. It seems very strange to miss someone you have only known for a week, but I do. Maybe it’s alright since my mother says we’ll be in each other’s lives for a long time. I know you don’t believe me but I want that. I want it so badly I gave up my place at the academy for you. But that is what friends do for another. All my books say so. I couldn’t help Jayce but I think I can help you. So just keep trying and I will keep up my end. And we can each other’s forever.
Sincerely,
Truly,
Yours,
Caitlyn
Dear Vi,
What is the point in getting your name on your face?! Are you worried you’ll forget it? I know it is a ‘unit’ thing but if I had taken your place there, I would not put ‘Caitlyn’ on my cheek. Father’s books say facial tattoos fade faster than normal ones so I will be watching closely. Did you even think about how it would look on your freckles? It looks terrible, by the way. You should have gotten it in a lighter color. You should also take out your nose ring. What happens if you get a cold? I also don’t understand why you put them both on that side of your face. Aren’t you scars enough? Every time I see you I just remember how brilliant you were on that obstacle course. Especially the one on your lip, I’m sorry it didn’t heal neater but it doesn’t detract from your lips. Not that I am looking at your lips anymore than any part of your face. The scars are just a part of it. I look at them because I was there when you got them, that’s all. Anyway your face is always going to be stupid so don’t change anything else about it. It won’t help.
Yours,
Caitlyn
Dear Violet,
You are an idiot. You’re lucky to have me advocating for you and someone like Steb doing all of the work. In school they said Zaun is full of traitors who cannot be trusted. Obviously you still carry that with you which is why you got into that fight with those cadets. Even though I have given up my dream for you and held up my end of our bargain, you are barely holding up yours. Now you’re also getting me into trouble. How dare you create more work for me and make it my fault. I’m not stupid, everyone makes fun of me behind my back. I bet you do as well. I hope Steb is as embarrassed to be your roommate and I am to be your patron you traitor.
Choke,
Caitlyn.
Dear Vi,
I know you never got the last letter because I burned it, but I know you are not a traitor and I am not embarrassed to be your patron. I was upset because no-one ever defends me. Even the people who want to be on my good side don’t do what you did. You could have gotten kicked out for fighting and ruined everything. But you still fought to defend me. I suppose I’m not going to send this one either so thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. At first I was upset you did what no-one else has ever done. But then I realized I don’t care. I would rather have you defend me than all the fake friends in the world. You’re the only one that matters. Please don’t get kicked out though, I don’t think I could bear it.
Love,
Caitlyn
Dear Vi,
I’m so scared. My grandmother is going to die before the day is through. Everyone can see it but I don’t understand how. She was fine and now she is slipping away. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to say goodbye to her. You would know what to do if you were here. I know you would. I wish you were here so badly. Sometimes when I look at her I think about how close we both came to dying that day in the lab. But if I got hurt they would help, if you got hurt I don’t know if they would. It makes me sick to think about. Even if we never met, I don’t think I could bear a world without you in it. I know I ask a lot but could you please keep me in your thoughts so I can have some of your strength for what is to come? I’d really like that.
Love,
Caitlyn
—
Violet,
You are so confusing! I cannot keep up. One minute you’re surprising me with soup and humming to me while I cry on you. Then you leave without saying goodbye when I was only going say thank you. Now you break my mother’s rules when you know she’s going to blame me for them. Why are you getting me into trouble? Did I do something wrong? Why won’t you just tell me! I’ve given you no reason to act this way. It’s like when you are nice to me you remember you’re supposed to hate me and you push me away. Why?? I’m the one with a reason to push you away, not the other way around. Your family isn’t telling you I can never be yours. My grandmother just died, why are you trying to make me so angry?
Explain yourself this instant.
Caitlyn
Dear Vi (if I can even call you that)
You were right to hate me. I am a terrible, cruel person. I know you’re only here to protect your family. I didn’t understand that before but I do now. If you had any say in the matter, I know you would be back with them. My father says we’re sisters but I know that’s not true. You already have one. I hope the money is helping her. I imagine right now we aren’t even friends after the horrible thing I said in my last letter. When you fought for me against those bullies, it felt like maybe you thought we were family. Not sisters, obviously, but something. Though I know now how foolish that is, I wouldn’t want a sister as awful as I am. It feels like my heart is breaking. I deserve to feel this way, but I wish you were here to make it better.
Always yours,
Caitlyn
Dear Vi,
I thought we were past this. I thought I made things right between us. You said things were alright between us! How could you be so cruel?! Mother said not to be in the same room, the balcony is not a room! My feet are all cut up because I kept running there to wait for you. Every time I tried you told me to stop, but then I would see you looking at me. I was so hopeful when you came over after the last dance. My feet were so sore but I would have stayed there for you. I wanted to dance with you so badly. I want to dance with you always but I could have made do with the one. I was even going to ask you, though you’re supposed to ask me since it was my ball. But I wouldn’t have minded asking if you said yes. Truthfully I was planning on asking you when we got home in case you were embarrassed about dancing with me in front of your friends, But you didn’t even look at them! So I cut up my feet running back and forth instead of saving them so we could dance with just the two of us. I was so excited. Still, I didn’t like you saying you were stupid. Even though you can be. For the record of this letter just know if you asked me in the future, the answer would be yes. Probably.
Yours,
Caitlyn
Dear Vi,
I’m writing from the hunting lodge to check and make sure you know I am avoiding you. My mother used so many favors to deny your application to go fight. Then she yelled at me about it! If she gets nosy she is going to ask where my cash is going. Right now she believes it’s at one of the Piltover bars all the other kids go to. But the moment she checks she will know I buy a single drink. I don’t know if I can lie to her so directly about where the rest of the money goes. Under no circumstances are you allowed to get yourself killed and leave me with this mess. Do we understand each other? I thought I was very clear with my letter when my grandmother was dying. I am afraid of losing you. To ensure there are no miscommunications this time please sign your next letter ‘I will always listen to Caitlyn because she’s right’ and I will know.
Yours,
Caitlyn
Dear Vi,
WAS MY LAST LETTER UNCLEAR?! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE NOR COME CLOSE TO IT! You are so lucky you’re still unconscious and there are nurses coming in to check on you. I cannot believe you left without saying goodbye so I couldn’t check that we understood each other. Why are you so terrible at saying goodbye to me? I thought things were better between us. Even though you looked terribly annoyed when we went to the lake with Lola. I told you I could tell her to get lost. I don’t even like her that much. I don’t understand why you avoided me when you said it was alright. I even asked Jayce for his opinion and he laughed so hard Viktor and Sky came to see what was wrong. He tried to stop me but I explained your behavior to them. The three greatest minds in Piltover all agreed you were being incredibly foolish and I concur. Except then they said you might be jealous and when I explained you didn’t even want to dance with me, Sky felt so bad for me she showed me her secret cookie stash. Jayce has been trying to find it for years! That is how ridiculous your behavior was. If—no when you wake up I will be sure to have them share their research with you.
Always right.
Yours,
Caitlyn
Dear Violet,
I apologize for all of my previous letters—sent and unsent. I apologize for hoping that you would dance with me. I apologize for hoping you would see me as family (not sisters). I apologize for it taking so long to get through my head that you will never care about me the way I care about you. You could have just said that. It didn’t need to be like this. It didn’t need to hurt this much. I told you how excited I was about helping Sheriff Grayson. You knew how much that meant to me. Why did you take it away? Why must you be so cruel? Well I suppose I know the answer to that. In my defense you were kind and rude in equal measure. I got confused which you meant, but that will not happen again. I am responsible for making this patronage beneficial to House Kiramman. My mother told me I could not end it, so I will make our positions clear to eliminate any further misunderstands. I know you won’t care when I ask you to keep an eye out for a future wife for me, but I hope you at least read it and know I have moved on from anything I may have felt for you.
No longer yours,
Caitlyn
Dear Vi,
Apparently you cannot ask someone to open someone else’s mail without it being a crime. Nor can you bribe the post office to not send a letter you have already sent. Both things seem ridiculous to me. It’s rich of mother to say my behavior seems ridiculous. She’s been reading our letters for years! I explained this was the same situation and she made that noise. You know the one. Usually she only makes it when father is writing his letters. Am I being as ridiculous as father? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I need to stop whatever this is, it’s too confusing and soon you’ll be off saving Piltover. Officer training bought us more time together and we’ll always be in each other’s lives, but you will soon be off making your own. Maybe I’ll get to meet your friends, your girlfriend—I hope I do. I would very much like to be a part of your life. But it won’t be like this. Maybe it’s best you get the letter after all. Maybe then we can say a proper goodbye and part as something like friends. I’m starting to feel foolish writing these letters to you. Maybe if I just keep burning them, it can stay a secret between us. Not you and I, it’s a secret between me and Mr. Bunny.
Someone who was once yours,
Caitlyn
Anonymous Notes Flushed Down the Academy Toilets
I hate it here. I hate it so much. I wish you never told me about what my uncle said so I could run away. I don’t belong here. I’m never gonna belong here. I know I fucked up but I can’t do this! I just want to go home. Why can’t I just go home?
I panicked during the test today and I know I failed. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry please don’t send me home. They’re going to come after my sister and my brothers. I can’t let them do that. I’ll try harder just please keep them safe.
I’m so scared. I’m so alone. I can’t tell anyone why but I guess I’m destroying this anyway. Enforcers killed my parents. I saw them on the bridge, they killed my parents and they just watched as Powder and I sobbed. We were kids. If Vander hadn’t been there they would have killed us too. God, am I going to have to kill a kid one day? I can’t do it. Every time I see the blue out of the corner of my eye I think they’re here for me. I guess they are. Except instead of killing me they’re here to absorb me. I think that scares me more. How stupid is that? I’m so dumb.
I know you’re mad about the tattoo. I knew you would be. But I’m losing myself here every day. When I look in the mirror and I see our earrings it helped but it made me think of you. Now when I see my name I think of me. When I turn my face I can see us both there. Just like I can see my sister. Did I ever tell you we have the same eyes? They’re our mom’s eyes. Now I see everyone important when I look in the mirror instead of just seeing a monster.
I was going to kill them. Who the hell are they to make fun of you? You’e the best person in this fucked up city. They were nice to your face and then turn around and pull that shit? That’s not how things are in Zaun. You say it with your face or you shut the hell up. You’re an honorary Zaunite okay? And one day we’re going to be in Vanders bar and you and Powder are going to be trading tips on how to keep your hair blue. It’s going to be great. Everything’s going to make sense again. I’ll get us there, I promise.
I can’t do this. I know you’re mad. I’m mad too. All I wanted was for us to be at Vander’s bar one day. But your mom is never gonna let that happen. She is always gonna see me as the kid who caused so much trouble. I know I put you in danger with the bomb thing but I swear that wasn’t me and I would never do it again. I’d do anything to keep you safe. I know you’re pissed I didn’t say goodbye but goodbyes mean hugs. How am I supposed to let you out of my arms? It’s better this way.
You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I know those outfits were stupid, I know you were uncomfortable and I hate seeing you in pain. But when I die I swear I’m going to see you coming down the stairs in those sapphires with my last breath. I’ll pretend you were walking towards me.
I’m losing my mind here. How am I up here dreaming of you and my family is down there suffering? I know you’re sending them money. I know they’re surviving because of you and our relationship. But how am I supposed to sit here while they’re suffering? What’s the point of this if I’m here and they die? I know you’ll never forgive me but I have to try to get to them. I’m sorry. I wish I could take you with me.
She’s a whore. You know she is. Who the hell is she to make fun of us being friendly? I know you couldn’t hear her but come on. You shouldn’t have agonized over your bathing suit because she didn’t deserve to see you in one. Can you move onto someone better?
Could that someone maybe be me?
Be mad at me I don’t give a shit. I was going to write to Sheriff Grayson next. Fuck, I’d send a decoy bomb myself if it meant you were out of there. I lost my parents to the last conflict. I’m not losing someone else I love. Hate me all you want, but be alive to hate me. That’s all that matters.
It’s really fucking hard to have you hate me. I know you think I’ve got a good heart but you’re wrong. My heart’s strong. That’s it. I thought it was strong enough for all of this but you hating me makes it feel like it’s broken. I know I have no right to ask for anything but could you stop? Please? Be mad at me, that’s easy. That’s good. But just don’t hate me.
You know what fuck you. You want to use full names fine. In Zaun we don’t have last names so just know when I’m signing my first name, it’s my full name. Not as fancy of course but it’s still a full name. No more nicknames. I’m calling you your full name when I come home, that’ll show you.
I’d give anything for you to sign your letters like you used to.
I miss you so much. I know I ruined it but I miss whatever was happening between us. I miss it so much. I had to keep you safe. I know I was an idiot for thinking it could work. But just know a part of me is always going to dream of us at Vander’s bar. You being a part of my family (not my sister). This all working out somehow. I know it won’t but a girl can dream. Makes taking the blue more bearable somehow when I think of how it matches your hair.