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Sebastian had been so excited when he got the message. He stared at his phone for about ten minutes, rereading it over and over to make sure he wasn't dreaming.
Chris Evans had invited him to Los Angeles to go out for drinks.
It had been ages since Chris had last texted him, and now he wanted to meet up?
With a giddy squeal that a man his age should not be making, he had quickly responded that he'd be there, trying his best not to sound too overeager. He hadn't even bothered checking his calendar first, he probably did have something planned but it didn't matter. He'd make time for this.
His excitement fleeted for a moment when he got to LA and after checking into his hotel arrived in the bar that Chris had texted him about. It seemed like he wasn't the only person that Chris had invited. Anthony Mackie was already sitting in a booth, sipping some colorful drink. A big grin crossed Anthony's face when he spotted Sebastian, standing up to pull him into a short hug, clapping him cheerfully on the back. Then he held him back by the shoulders to get a better look at him, and his smile turned sympathetic. He had gotten so good at reading Sebastian like an open book over the years.
"Aw, no. He didn't tell you we were coming, did he?" Anthony asked, searching his face.
Sebastian shrugged with a dimmed quirk of the corner of his mouth. "Well, it was stupid to assume that he only invited me, I guess." His smile turned genuine then as he patted Anthony back on the shoulder. "It's good to see you though, really."
They sat back down at the booth, chatting about God and the world while they waited. Anthony bought him him one of those cocktails that he has been drinking, insisting that he 'just had to try it'.
He wasn't wrong, it really was a good drink.
When he finally saw him, his heart skipped a beat. He looked as beautiful as always. His dirty blond hair was a bit longer than usual, swept back perfectly. That strong jawline was currently accentuated by an immaculately kempt beard and those baby blue eyes were framed by a pair of thick glasses. Sebastian's eyes wandered lower down his body, drinking in the sight like a starving man. Thick muscles strained his shirt, threatening to burst at the seams with a single movement, and a pair of crispy clean slacks adorned his legs. And then there was his smile, blinding and perfect, just like everything else about Chris.
Sebastian had issues swallowing, mouth dry and thirsty.
He inhaled shakily and rose from his seat, distantly noticing that Scarlett Johansson was also there and giving her a hug while Anthony was greeting Chris. Then they switched.
Sebastian could feel himself trembling slightly as his arms came up to wrap around Chris. Chris was saying something in greeting, but Sebastian couldn't hear the words, just let the low timbre of his voice wash over him. The rumble of it echoed through Sebastian's body where their chests were pressed against one another. He buried his face in the crook of Chris' neck, inhaling deeply and letting his senses be clouded by that long familiar smell. Some type of musky cologne mixed with a freshly washed body and clothes and something that was simply Chris. Sebastian wanted to live right there in that moment forever. His fingers dug into the fabric on Chris' back, he knew he had to let go, that this hug was already going on longer than it should. He didn't want to. It felt like tearing his own limbs off when he forced himself to pull away, hands lingering on Chris' warm arms as long as they could until he stepped away.
"All good?" Chris questioned, keeping one big hand on Sebastian's shoulder. Sebastian quickly nodded, a big but nervous smile on his face.
Sebastian exhaled mournfully when the warmth slipped off his shoulder and Chris turned towards the table.
"Come on, sit with me," Anthony said to Scarlett, not even letting her respond before pulling her to his side of the booth. Sebastian bit the inside of his cheek to hide his appreciative expression as Anthony smugly winked at him with his tooth gaped grin. He loved Anthony. Now only he and Chris were left to share the other side of the booth.
Sebastian ducked his head and slid into the seat when Chris gestured for him to sit down first.
Chris' heat was radiating from his body where he sat only a few inches from him. Sebastian was practically vibrating out of his skin, internally. He thankfully managed to come across more put together than he actually was. All his focus was on how their shoulders would touch if Sebastian just leaned a little bit closer.
Chris ordered them all a bunch of drinks, mostly beers, although Sebastian was honestly more a fan of the cocktails. But Chris bought them for him, and he'd be damned if he didn't drink them.
It didn't take long for them all to be at least tipsy, though on the edge of drunk was more accurate. None of them would have to drive thankfully.
Everyone was laughing and chatting loudly. Sebastian didn't talk a lot, he had always been more of a quiet listener, but he still enjoyed himself. Apparently RDJ was supposed to come too, but the man was far too busy to come to LA just for drinks, interrupting whatever project he was working on. Honestly it was a miracle that just the four of them got together at the same time.
Scarlett was telling them some wild story about her company, though Sebastian couldn't concentrate enough to listen to the details. He really wanted to, and he was sure it was a good story, but his mind just kept drifting away as he glimpsed over at Chris every few seconds. He couldn't help himself. Chris' eyes shined so brightly, the little crow's feet crinkling his face with every chuckle. He looked so beautiful. So happy.
He missed whatever line Scarlett said, but he certainly didn't miss the way that Chris threw his head back with a throaty laugh, his hand coming up to thump on Sebastian's left pectoral. Sebastian felt his face heat up immediately, thankful for the already warm environment and alcohol. It gave him a good excuse for turning red. The hand unfortunately left as soon as it came, but when Sebastian looked back up, he caught Anthony's eyes. The man was already smirking knowingly at him. Sebastian blushed even more, if possible and rolled his eyes with a shake of his head.
Anthony obviously knew about his massive crush on Chris. Honestly he wasn't sure how nobody else knew, he felt like he was wearing it on his sleeve. He had spilled his guts to Anthony about ten years ago on some press tour for The Winter Soldier. Sebastian had been in the middle of drowning his sorrows in a drink at the hotel bar one night, when Anthony slid into the seat beside him. It hadn't taken a lot of questioning for Bucky to blurt out that he had the hots for Chris. He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, the secret had been well kept ever since the first Captain America movie. But Anthony had simply patted him on the back with a snort and said that he agreed that Chris was quite the looker. Somehow that had been the best thing that Anthony could have said, making Sebastian's affection seem valid and relatable.
Anthony had made lots of jokes and well hidden suggestions to Chris during the rest of the press tour and during the filming of Civil War. It didn't help much, since Chris didn't take any of it serious and always just shook his head with a chuckle. But he meant well and tried his best. Anthony had been determined to get Sebastian a piece of that ass, but there was no point in trying to convince a man that simply wasn't interested.
And Sebastian had tried. Oh, he had tried, Anthony helping whenever he could. He had jokingly asked if Chris had ever been with a man before. Chris had laughed and confessed that he had fooled around with some guy in college but said that he definitely wasn't having a repeat of that, when asked if he would ever date a guy again. He was definitely 100% straight and simply not interested in men, he had said. Sebastian had cried for about a week straight after that.
He had tried his best to move on. God, had he tried. Dated a few women here and there, and even a guy that he managed to hide well from the press. But he hadn't loved any of them. None had sparked that flame in him back to life, had stopped him from always letting his eyes wander back to Chris. They noticed, of course, that his heart was unavailable, so none of the relationships lasted very long. Maybe he wasn't as good of an actor as he thought after all. And Sebastian felt bad, he really did. It wasn't fair to any of them. So a few years ago he had simply stopped trying. Resigned himself to knowing that he'd be destined to stay alone forever, pining for a man he couldn't have, who wouldn't even look his way.
During the filming of The Falcon And The Winter Soldier, when he had just given up on relationships for good, Anthony found him again. Just like last time, he had been drinking his thoughts away, feeling more miserable than he had in a long time. Anthony had heard of course that Sebastian and his girlfriend had ended things not too long ago, thought that that was the cause of Sebastian's torment.
"It's not about her," Sebastian had mumbled gruffly, rubbing his tired eyes. When he peeked over at Anthony, he could tell the exact moment when it clicked. His expression had turned compassionate, the somber sympathy in his eyes bringing forth the tears in Sebastian's own eyes.
"I thought it was just some silly crush you had, I didn't know," Anthony had said. Sebastian shook his head.
It had never been just that. Anthony had no idea how deep it ran, how his love for Chris burned the very being of his soul.
So Anthony let him spill his heart out, rant and gush about Chris as much as he wanted, let him text and call whenever Sebastian felt like he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't make him feel stupid or childish for it, just listened and nodded whenever Sebastian needed an open ear.
He could tell that Anthony sometimes wanted to smack him over the head, slap the self loathing and sadness right out of him. That he wanted to say useless things like that Sebastian deserved better than this and that it wasn't healthy to be this hung up on a man. But he also understood that it wouldn't help. Sebastian wasn't sure if he deserved better than this. How could he, when Chris was the best thing there was? And who was he to deserve Chris? Maybe this, being where he was, was exactly what he deserved. He knew it wasn't healthy to think that. He also knew it wasn't healthy to keep loving Chris, not like this at least. But it's not like it was his fault, he couldn't stop his heart, no matter how rational it was. And he also knew that it wasn't Chris' fault for not loving him back. The heart wants what it wants, and if Sebastian wasn't that for Chris, then there was nothing anyone could do.
Knowing that didn't stop it from hurting though. And oh, the way it hurt. It hurt so badly that Sebastian sometimes felt like he was going insane.
Sebastian was actually having a great time today, enjoying his evening and letting the alcohol and Chris' proximity wipe away the pain.
That was, until Chris mentioned that he had some big news that he wanted to share, the reason why he called them all together in the first place.
For a moment, Sebastian was really excited, his hurt fluttering with hope in his chest. He thought that this might be it, the moment he told them he was bisexual. And oh, Sebastian, I've been in love with you for years now and we can finally be together. As foolish as that thought was. Rationally, he knew that this wasn't what Chris wanted to say, but his idiotic heart wouldn't stop giving him hope.
That moment of giddy optimism fell away faster than he could blink.
The blood was rushing in his ears as the words echoed in his head. Everything felt like he was under water, the new conversation going over his head as he dragged his feet through the molasses, trying to catch up with his thoughts. His brain was empty and overflowing at the same time. Those fucking words still ringing loudly in his ears, mocking him.
It took him what felt like ages to tear his eyes away from the silver ring on Chris' hand, swallowing heavily around his dry mouth. A big lump was stuck in his throat, cutting off the access to his lungs as he tried to blink himself back to reality.
His eyes dragged themselves with effort over the table, his vision as slurred as his hearing. Desperately he sucked in a shaky breath.
Eventually his eyes settled on Anthony, who was shooting him concerned glances. He seemed to be torn between being happy for his friend and worrying about Sebastian.
He didn't notice if Chris mentioned his weird behavior or not, but he couldn't get himself to care, to put on that facade of being okay. Because he wasn't. He really wasn't.
Sebastian knew that Chris currently had a girlfriend, of course he knew. He wasn't stupid. Well, maybe he was. At least enough to have pushed down and ignored that fact as best as he could ever since hearing about them. God, he was fucking stupid, who was he kidding. He should have seen this coming.
Chris got up at some point, he had no idea where to, just that one moment he was there and the next he felt even colder than before without Chris' presence next to him.
Scarlett leaned over the table in his direction, a frown on her face as she asked him a question that he didn't hear. He just stared at her. She then turned to Anthony when Sebastian didn't react. His leg bounced up and down beneath the table, he couldn't make himself stop.
He felt a distant touch on his hand and blinked down. Anthony was unwrapping his fingers from where they were clenched so tightly around his beer that they turned white. After the bottle was freed from his death grip and put to the side, he dragged his eyes up to Anthony's face. He was talking to him. Sebastian just shrugged, not having heard a single word, but whatever it was, he didn't care to hear it anyways.
Anthony nodded slowly, the furrow in his brow deep as he took the shrug as an answer to whatever he had just asked. He turned to Scarlett and talked to her, shooting distracted looks in Sebastian's direction every few seconds. He was sure this would all make sense if his brain wasn't still lagging.
To Scarlett it seemed to make sense though, because when Anthony was done talking, her mouth formed an o and she looked upset now. She turned her attention back to Sebastian, said something to him and squeezed his hand.
He was pretty sure that Chris returned at some point, some drink was shoved into his hand and pried free from Anthony a moment later. He wasn't sure. The rest of the evening was a bit of a blur.
At some point he found himself in a cab, the city lights rushing past him as his forehead rested against the cool window.
He wasn't sure how he got to his hotel room. Anthony was there when he got out of the car. Then he was alone, remotely aware of his feet moving. Somehow he had gotten out his key card and entered the room.
The small click of the door closing and the following silence were what brought him back to the surface.
Sucking in a deep breath, his back hit the wood of the door. He slid down to the floor, shaking hands coming up to clasp together behind his head as he rested his forehead on his knees. Blue wavered in his vision as he tried to focus on the fabric of his jeans, tried to count the seams to keep his mind occupied. He failed pathetically.
A knock on the door ringed through the wood and into his body. He didn't move.
"Seb, come on. Open up," Anthony's muffled voice said. Sebastian weakly got back to his feet, legs feeling as stable as those of a newborn deer, and opened the door.
Anthony only looked him over for a second before his face morphed into an even more sorrowful one. "Aw man, come here." He stepped into the room, closed the door behind himself and pulled Sebastian into a crushing hug.
The contact of Anthony rubbing soothingly over his back broke him. A gutted sound left his throat as the tears started to flow. Rivets of salty water burned his cheeks, staining Anthony's shirt when Sebastian finally buried his face in his shoulder. Desperately he clung to Anthony's shirt, probably stretching the fabric on his back from how tight he was holding in. Gasping between sobs, he let the other man carry his weight, his own legs no longer strong enough to hold him.
"Come on, breathe, Seb. It'll be okay," Anthony mumbled encouragingly, although he knew that it was as far from the truth as it could be. Sebastian would have appreciated the effort if he hadn't been so busy falling apart.
Mechanically he shook his head, the wet fabric of Anthony's shirt moving back and forth with his face. "I can't. I can't," he gasped out, a panicked sound leaving his throat. His voice was raw and painful to use. He pressed his face harder against Anthony's shoulder, his hands starting to cramp where they clutched at Anthony's back, but he couldn't make himself let go.
"I get it, man. I get it. Just let it out," Anthony muttered, reaching one hand up to cradle the back of Sebastian's head to hold him more steadily. Sebastian sank gratefully into the touch. Anthony always had something to say, something inspirational or joke or anything, but even he seemed at a loss for words now. What could you say to someone who had just lost what, to them, was everything.
Sebastian's eyes burned, they felt swollen and puffy. The tears wouldn't stop, his throat was scratchy and painful from the wretched sounds that kept escaping him between gasping breaths.
He was wrecked.
Torn apart.
His chest was a gaping wound.
Someone had stabbed a hook into his heart and ripped it out, flaying the skin wide open in the process.
His fragile heart lied now shattered at their feet, the pieces turning to dust at a single touch.
Blood was dripping out of him, draining him dry and leaving behind only a shell.
He felt so fucking tired.
Finally he got his mouth to close, swallowing all the excess spit and sucking in a shaky breath through his nose. The sound it made from all the snot was disgusting, but he still couldn't get himself to care about it, about anything.
He just wanted to curl up and fall asleep. And hopefully never wake up again.
"There you go. Come on, let's get you over there." His body was pulled away from Anthony's warmth and steered over towards the bed. Sebastian just let it happen, feet stumbling alongside Anthony's.
He was bodily heaved onto the bed and as soon as his cheek hit the soft pillow, his body curled instinctually in on itself, still trembly and fragile. Sniffling a few times, he tucked his arms closer to himself, feeling how his shoes were being tugged off of his feet. The tears still trickled passively over the bow of his nose, his entire face felt itchy and sticky, but his hands were too weak to wipe the discomfort away.
The last thing he felt was warmth wrapping around his body before the exhaustion dragged him under.