Chapter Text
What stirs Oksana from her sleep is not the whistle of the wind, nor is it the rumble of the washing machine. It is the deep, gingery aroma of soup wafting through the air, all the way to her nose. The scent of fresh bread, warm and buttery, the scrape of the butterknife against it. She stirs under the heavy wool blanket Eve had tucked her in under. She opened her eyes, then squeezed them shut against the bright room, only to open them again a few moments later just in time to see Eve approach her.
Eve smiles when sleepy eyes look up at her from the sofa. She came over to sit at the edge of the sofa, leaning in to kiss Oksana’s temple. Eve brushed Oksana’s tousled hair out of her face and the girl rolled over onto her back. Eve’s finger tickled an exposed collarbone.
“Hi, angel,” she whispered. “I was just about to wake you. Good nap?”
Oksana smiles bashfully, hiding it with the blanket, eyes twinkling. Eve laughs.
“You smelled the food, didn’t you?”
Oksana just nodded. She let go of the blanket and reached for Eve instead. Whining, needy, for Eve to draw her into her lap. That was the proper way to wake up from naps, a firm rule in Oksana’s personal handbook of needs. Oksana must be held; Oksana must receive kisses. Eve considered them to be very reasonable demands.
She removed the blanket and, although clumsily, hoisted Oksana into her lap and leaned back against the sofa. Oksana wriggled around, achieving the highest level of comfort, tucked cozily into the crook of Eve’s neck. Hidden under Eve’s hair, nose nuzzling the skin behind the older woman’s ear. Eve rubbed the little one’s back. Oksana was soft and sleep-warm, a pile of affection in Eve’s arms, soaking it up like a sponge. Calm and yielding, earnestly hers.
“My baby,” whispered Eve. “It’s very nice to snuggle, but our food’s getting cold,” she continued, giving Oksana a small bounce with her knee. “We should go eat.”
Oksana rubbed her eye and nodded. Eve’s warmth and softness tended to make her sleepy — like Eve was a cradle, her voice a lulling song. But the idea of food excited her, and she sat up straight in Eve’s lap. Eve smiled at her, the crow’s feet by her eyes accentuated by the expression, the pale freckles across her nose more visible these days. Eve looked older than when they first met. Oksana liked it. It made her feel safe.
Oksana kicked her feet absentmindedly under the table as she ate. Villanelle wasn’t one for proper table manners and Oksana certainly wasn’t either. Eve was seriously considering investing in a bib or attempting to sew one herself in Oksana’s size. For now, a napkin tucked unceremoniously into the collar of Oksana’s sweater had to do.
“Darling, it’s a little easier if you look at your food,” Eve advised with a chuckle. “The chickens will still be there the next time you turn your head.”
Oksana’s eyes were set firmly on their garden. The chicken coop was visible from the kitchen window. Their diverse group of Orpington, Norfolk Grey and Sussex chickens roamed freely about their garden, clucking amongst themselves and pecking at the grass. Villanelle was intrigued by Eve’s story of her pet hen and had managed to talk Eve into getting a whole brood of them.
They ate a lot of eggs these days.
However, Oksana listened to Eve’s prompt and looked at her spoon; now much more successful in bringing it to her mouth without spilling.
“Mommy?”
“Hm?” Eve looked at Oksana, who held her slice of bread with two hands as she ate. “What, honey?”
Oksana pointed to the window. “Go out.”
“You want to go outside?” Eve sought clarification. “Out and play? Out on a walk?”
Oksana just nodded. “Yes.”
Eve laughed softly. “Okay, okay. When you’ve eaten,” she said. “And don’t rush, darling, just eat. Outside isn’t going anywhere.”
***
“Hold on, not yet,” said Eve patiently as Oksana reached for the door. “It’s so cold, we need to bundle up before going outside.”
Oksana gave a little huff as Eve wrapped a knitted scarf, hand-spun lamb wool in a deep burgundy, around her neck. Gifted to them by their neighbours who lived up the hill; Irish lesbians in their mid-sixties, two cats, a small flock of sheep. With the scarf came a beige wool hat, which Eve put on Oksana’s head. She helped Oksana steer her fingers into a pair of gloves and her arms into her green parka.
“And your boots …” Eve said, crouching down as Oksana sat on the fur-clad bench. “Are you gonna help momma?”
Oksana stretched out her right foot. “Oh, good girl, thank you!” Eve praised.
She tied Oksana’s boots and quickly dressed herself as Oksana waited not-so-patiently by the door. Eve gave the girl’s shoulder a playful jostle as she opened the door. Oksana leapt outside with a joyful shout, hopping straight from the top of the short cobble steps and onto the gravel road. You’d think the kid had been cooped up for weeks, when she had in fact just been outside this morning before she was tucked in for a nap. Eve shook her head to herself and shut the door behind herself.
“Mommy,” Oksana said fondly as Eve descended the steps. She reached for the older woman’s hand and Eve extended it immediately. Oksana grabbed on and bustled with excitement. “Swings!” She pointed in the direction of the hill.
“Oh, swings again?” Eve grinned. “Sure. Lead the way, darling.”
Eve found herself being dragged along the gravel road by a playful, and also easily distracted Oksana. She’d run a few steps, and then she’d spot a heart-shaped rock in the foliage which would be deposited into Eve’s deep pockets. Then they were on their way for a few steps, until she noticed a hole that looked much like a rabbit’s burrow. It was a good five minutes before they reached the swings. It was an odd element in the otherwise rather untouched nature, apart from houses and pastures. On a perfectly flat stretch of land halfway up the hill between them and their neighbours there was a set of swings. Eve had no idea how it got there; it was old, the red colour chafing off of the metal, the chain on the swings creaking with each motion. But it was stable enough and had become a fountain of joy for Oksana.
“Should I push?”
Oksana nodded eagerly. “Uh-huh!” she agreed and took a seat on the less worn-down swing. She pushed from the ground with her feet in a clumsy manner.
“Oh my, you definitely need some help, you won’t get anywhere like that,” Eve chuckled as she stepped behind Oksana. “Hold on tight!”
She pushed Oksana’s back and sent her up into the air. Oksana’s laughter was bright and unrestrained, a child’s laugh, and Eve felt her stubborn heart turn to mush. They stayed like that for a while. The clouds floated through the sky, grey and airy, and the sun occasionally decided to shine through.
They both perked at the sound of footsteps coming down the hill. One of their neighbours, Elsie, appeared through the foliage and brightened at the sight of them. Elsie wasn’t much taller with Eve, but with wide shoulders and a farm-strong physique, carrying herself ram-rod straight despite her age. She’d let her hair turn fully grey and mostly wore it up. She was aged and weather-worn and perhaps she would be a little intimidating if it wasn’t for the soft gleam in her eye.
“Why, hello!” she grinned, giving them a wave and stepping off the path. “I’m glad to see someone can give these old swings some love again. Our daughter loved going out here when she was a wean.”
“It turned out to be a hit with this one,” Eve chuckles. Oksana grew shy, burrowing into her scarf and grabbing Eve’s hand that held the chain. “I think someone’s feeling a little timid.”
“Oh,” Elsie just laughed softly. “I don’t bite, dear. Siobhan and I are so happy to have some new neighbours, especially one as precious as you.”
Oksana giggled bashfully. She looked curiously at Elsie, who carried a toolbox in one hand and a few pillars of wood under her arm. Oksana tilted her head to the side like a dog. “What’re you doin’?”
“This?” Elsie referred to her tools. “The weather seems to have it out for our fences. I’m patching a hole and hoping our dear flock o’ sheep haven’t found the gap yet.”
“That wouldn’t be good, would it?” Eve smiled, tickling Oksana’s cheek. “We should probably let Elsie be on her way before the sheep smell all the yummy food in our garden.”
Oksana nibbled at her lip and nodded shyly. She waved. “Bye-bye.”
“Goodbye, dear, have fun,” Elsie smiled warmly as Oksana went back to trying to push herself on the swing, no longer listening. She looked at Eve. “You’re always welcome up the hill, whether you’d like some company or if she needs watching. I’m aware you are not her mother, per se, but sometimes it’s good to share whatever might be weighing on you. The wee ones aren’t always so easy.”
Eve smiled, touched by the simple welcoming. She felt awkward asking to come over — she hadn’t shaken the feeling that they would be perceived as strange. But perhaps that was a silly thought. They’d been over twice; once with Villanelle, once with Oksana. Elsie’s wife, Siobhan, had carried a box of toys from the 90’s up from the basement and entertained Oksana for most of the evening. Siobhan had not a care in the world that Oksana was taller than everyone in the house and entering her 30s, she treated her like any other child. No matter what Eve’s doubts tried to tell her, they were surely welcome.
“Maybe we could come tomorrow?” Eve suggested.
“Any time, Eve, any time,” said Elsie as she stepped back on to the road. “I have work to do, I can see the little rascals getting near it. Goodbye, darling.”
Oksana waved at her again. Eve watched as Elsie continued down the hill and thought to herself that perhaps making friends didn’t have to be so bad.
***
They spent the afternoon outside, first at the swings, then they went down to the pond to look at the small group of ducks. They walked along the road and said hello to Elsie again, who sat crouched in a ditch as she fixed her fences; the sheep watching keenly from a few meters away. When they came home dinner was due and before they knew it, the day had passed them by.
Oksana sat on the Persian rug in the living room, piling her colourful building blocks on top of each other. Her teeth were brushed and now they simply waited for the bath to be ready. The tap was running in the bathroom, slowly filling the tub, and Eve sat in her armchair as they waited. She’d fallen into Oksana’s rhythm; it isn’t even nine o’clock and she feels ready to end the day. Oksana seemed to have two kinds of good days — quiet and tired, preferring to lay on Eve’s chest in silence or do crafts. Then there were these days, endless playing and chatting and going outside. Eve liked them both, but it was undeniable that she was more tired after one of these days.
When the blocks became boring, Oksana scooted over to Eve. She rubbed at her suddenly very sleepy eyes and sat down by Eve, resting her head on the older woman’s thighs and wrapping her arms around Eve’s legs. Eve clicked her tongue with sympathy and bent to stroke Oksana’s hair tenderly.
“Are you tired, baby?” she asked softly. “Sleepy girl, hm?”
Oksana just nodded.
“Maybe we should check if the tub is full yet,” Eve suggested.
Eve stood up from her seat and Oksana extended both of her arms with a whine. Eve pulled Oksana up to stand and the girl clung to her, signalling for Eve to lift her up. Eve sighed and collected Oksana in her arms. “No, sweetheart, you know mommy can’t carry you all that way,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”
Oksana hiccupped, a tell-tale sign of upset, and Eve was afraid she might burst into tears. But the girl only nodded, drying her tears with the heel of her hand. Eve stroked Oksana’s damp cheek with her thumb and smiled softly. She kissed the space between her brows.
“Precious,” she murmured into Oksana’s skin.
Oksana rubbed away some of the steam that had collected on the window by the bathtub, peering through the circle. It was all dark outside now. The chickens slept inside their coop, the birds had gone quiet, the only sound left was the rustle of the wind in the green. She turned away from the window and looked down at herself in the bath. Most of the bubbles were gone, all that was left was a few suds and a solitary fish bath toy that floated by her feet.
Eve had scrubbed her thoroughly with a soap that smelled of citrus and cedarwood. Oksana’s hair carried a faint scent of coconut and lemongrass. It was long now, and Eve always expressed her marvel as she handled it.
“Okay, baby, I think it’s time to get up,” Eve said, caressing Oksana’s cheek with the side of her finger. “I’ll grab your towel.”
Eve stood from the wooden stool and crossed the bathroom. Oksana’s towel hung on the heated rack, ready to envelop the soon-to-be shivering little thing. The older woman was grateful to turn around and see that Oksana was already getting ready to leave the tub — she was in no mood for arguing about it tonight. Eve helped Oksana out, the water sloshing around her long, uncooperative legs. Oksana only had to shiver for a second before she was wrapped up in her warm towel. Eve patted her dry, drawing her in close and cooing to her.
“All clean,” she said, tending to Oksana’s hair with a smaller towel. “Feels nice, hm?”
“Yes,” Oksana said quietly, smiling shyly. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for bathing you,” Eve reminded Oksana, meeting her eyes. “I’m your mommy.”
Oksana shrugged. She can only remember her mother bathing her once and that was when she held Oksana under the water until her vision grew spotty. Either that was the only time, or Oksana couldn’t bring herself to remember the other ones. She got used to feeling dirty until she figured out how to do it herself. At the orphanage the shower was about as advanced as an indoor hose and Oksana could swear she’d seen farmers bathe livestock with more care. So to be gently lowered into a warm bath, to have Eve scrub her clean with nice soaps and go through the ache of shampooing her hair twice, to sit calmly with her mommy’s safe hand rubbing her back, to have Eve tell funny stories — Oksana considered it the greatest privilege.
“Hey, where’d you go?” Eve said, brushing her fingers over Oksana’s eyebrow.
Oksana came back to the present. She shook her head, too tired to explain, and simply stepped further into Eve’s space. Eve’s arms wrapped around her, rubbing her over the towel, swaying them slowly side to side. Oksana released a deep sigh into the crook of Eve’s neck.
“Let’s get you all dry and dressed, shall we?” said Eve, releasing Oksana in order to dry her off properly. “And then we can be off to bed.”
“Mmh,” Oksana agreed sleepily. “Mommy helps me.”
“Of course, baby, of course. You’re too small to do any of it,” Eve reassured Oksana. “Wanna see what I picked out for you?”
Oksana’s eyes lit up. “Mhm!”
Eve turned around and grabbed the pyjamas she had laid out for Oksana from the bamboo bench next to the sink, holding it out for Oksana to see. It was a simple t-shirt and soft shorts; it was only special because the shirt once belonged to Eve before Oksana claimed it as hers. It had a sheep print across the chest. Eve recalls buying it on a trip to the Shetland Islands in the 90’s. Oksana reaches for it with grabby hands and Eve gives it to her. Oksana immediately brings it to her face and inhales.
“Mommy,” she whispers with reverence. “Mommy’s shirt.”
Eve laughs softly. “It hasn’t been my shirt in a while, honey, but yes. Does it really still smell like me?”
Oksana nods. “Yes.”
“If you say so,” Eve chuckled.
Eve removes the towel from around Oksana, much to the little one’s dismay as goosebumps rise on her skin immediately. Eve scoops a generous amount of shea butter out of its glass jar and rubs it between her hands, warming it and turning it to oil. Oksana feels better as soon as Eve’s warm hands touch her skin, almost massaging as she rubs the butter in. Eve’s touch soothes her to the point that she almost nods off, her eyes closing and her head lolling just to the side before she snaps herself awake.
“Oh, my,” Eve laughs, cupping Oksana’s cheek. “Sleeping upright is for horses, Oksana, let’s not try it.”
Oksana blushes under Eve’s hand. “Would fall over.”
“Yes, yes you would,” Eve pinches Oksana’s cheek playfully. “No doubt about it.”
Eve leads Oksana to the bedroom by the hand. The lights are off around the cottage, Eve tells Oksana the world is going to sleep and so should they. She draws the blankets back for Oksana, tucking her into bed and kissing her forehead.
“I’m just going to change into my pyjamas too,” Eve said. “It’s okay if you fall asleep, honey.”
Oksana shook her head. “Need mommy first,” she mumbled shyly, hooking her finger into the collar of Eve’s sweater.
Eve took Oksana’s hand and kissed her knuckles. “Mkay,” Eve said. “Just a second.”
She took a clean sleep shirt from her side of the closet. It was a relief to remove her sweater and unclasp her bra, discarding it on the back of a chair. She tugged the shirt she bought in the maternity section over her head, one of those that open in some smart way at the chest. Eve felt silly buying them, maybe especially at her age, but they’d proven more than useful. It was both quicker and more comfortable than taking her shirt off each time they did this, especially in the cold winter months. When she turned back around, she noticed a pair of sleepy but expectant eyes on her. Oksana watched as Eve stepped out of her trousers and got the room in order; pulling down the blinds, drawing the curtains, checking that her water bottle on the nightstand was full.
When Eve finally crawled into bed, Oksana greeted her with a soft, excited noise.
“Hi, sweetheart,” Eve cooed. She strokes Oksana’s damp hair. “Finally. Have you been waiting all day, hm?”
Oksana went red and nodded, covering her cheeks.
“Me too, a little bit,” Eve whispered, stroking the bridge of Oksana’s nose. “No bedtime story?”
Oksana shook her head. “No,” she mumbled. “Just mommy.”
“Okay, darling, okay,” Eve said.
They adjusted themselves; Eve was still trying to figure out what the truly superior position for this might be, but at bedtime it seemed that simply laying on their sides worked best. That way, Oksana could fall asleep without Eve needing to move her even the slightest bit.
“Just a second …” Eve murmurs as she opens the slit in the fabric of her shirt. “Here, let’s see, baby.”
Eve cupped the back of Oksana’s head, but didn’t need to do much guiding — Oksana nuzzled her way to Eve’s breast, eyes already closed, locating it through touch and warmth alone. Eve rarely had to help her anymore. Like with so many other things, Oksana had a routine, a pattern, to this. She closes her eyes, rubs her nose against Eve’s warm skin, breathing big puffs of air. Then Eve’s fingers brush through her hair as she latches. Then, when they’re joined like this, she breathes a deep sigh and becomes heavy. Her hand comes up to curl small by her mouth, the heel of it kneading Eve’s breast just slightly.
Eve hisses through her teeth when Oksana begins to suckle, forcing her hand to hover in the air to prevent herself from instinctively pulling Oksana away from her chest. Eve knew herself to be sensitive at first, but it felt different this week. A mounting pressure, sharp sensitivity at the first contact from Oksana, a tender heaviness across her chest. It felt like something was due to happen at any second, but nothing came of it and after a few minutes of gentle affection from Oksana it went away. This was untouched ground for Eve — she wasn’t sure what she could expect from her body at her age. She’d never given it any thought, the possible effects of doing this every night.
She didn’t give it any thought tonight either. The pain had passed, replaced by a warm spread of oxytocin between the two of them. Oksana was settling into her steady rhythm, slow and calm, toes poking at Eve’s legs under the blankets.
“That’s nice, isn’t it?” Eve whispers, scratching at Oksana’s scalp. “You’re mommy’s baby, aren’t you, hm? Mommy’s baby.”
Eve could tell Oksana was blushing even if she couldn’t see it. She squirmed a little, nuzzling further into Eve’s chest. Eve laughed a little, the deep vibration of it rumbling through her chest and right into Oksana.
“It’s true. You’re my baby,” Eve smiles. “You need me. And that’s okay.”
She strokes Oksana’s hair tenderly. Eve was convinced Oksana would keep this up forever if she could, but her rhythm was already faltering as sleep crept up on them both. The soft, squeaky noise of Oksana’s suckling lulled Eve, as did the gentle tug of the motion. She allowed her eyes to close, trusting that Oksana would soon be asleep too.