Chapter Text
William was missing all night. Then all day. And then all night again.
At first he declined my calls. Then the phone just kept ringing. My texts were left unread.
I was totally prepared for something bad to happen to him while we were in a parking garage to meet a stranger from the internet. Except that turned out to be nothing. The guy was a paranoid nut, but harmless. It was after William dropped me off at home and drove away safely that he went missing. I didn't know what to think.
After a full day of worrying, he finally called me back early next morning.
"Are you okay?!" I asked.
"I'm fine," he said, sounding completely exhausted. "Well -- Yeah, I'm -- I'm fine."
"Where have you been? I've been trying to call."
"I know. I'm sorry. It's been a crazy day. And night." He mumbled to himself, "Did all of that happen in just one night? Oh man, what day is it?"
"You've been missing for over twenty-four hours," I explained. "Your parents are probably ten seconds away from calling the police."
"Yeah, about that. I'm driving home right now and... Look, Eddie. Can you do me like a really, really huge favor? ... Can you back me up when I tell my mom and dad I was with you the whole time?"
"Actually, no. Because they already called me, and I told them I had no idea where you were."
"Oh... Right..."
There was a pause.
"Are we just skipping the part of the conversation where you tell me what happened?" I asked. "You didn't see that Ralph guy again, did you?"
"No, it wasn't Ralph."
"Then wh--"
"Eddie, I do not even know where to begin. I promise I'm okay, but I'm tired. And I really shouldn't be on the phone while driving in the first place. All I wanna do right now is get home, shower, and maybe take a nap. Can we please talk about it later?"
I didn't want to, but I said, "Okay. Later." Then I said, "I love you."
"Me too. Bye." And he hung up.
Only we didn't talk later.
William was grounded. He couldn't use his phone and I couldn't visit him. Or at least, that's the excuse he gave me when I saw him at school. I couldn't shake off the feeling he was lying.
He wouldn't talk to me at school either. Any time I tried, he made some excuse and took off. "Later. Promise." He stopped coming to the GSA too. Not because his parents made him; he said he was too busy for it.
Once I caught him on a computer in the school library. Looking over his shoulder, I saw that he was searching news websites. But it wasn't about the Westview incident this time. He was looking up articles from all over the country about people who drowned, or nearly drowned.
When I asked him about it, all he would say was, "I'm trying to find someone." He was frustrated. "They're all dead ends. It probably didn't make the news."
I tried to get him to talk more, but it was about time for next period. He had to go. Again.
This went on for a week.
"You're avoiding me," I said. It wasn't a question.
I cornered him at his locker. He looked back at me and said, "I'm not avoiding you, Eddie," in a calm tone that completely contradicted his deer-in-the-headlights expression.
"You really sort of are."
He sighed. Struggled to say something. "I -- I'm sorry. It's not you, honest. I've just been really distracted lately."
Now that I was seeing him up close, he did not look good. He didn't put any effort into his hair or make-up that day. Instead of eyeliner he had dark bags under his eyes. "Did you sleep last night? Because you don't look like it."
"I've been sleeping just fine," he said defensively. Then he shrugged and admitted, "I've had some nightmares, but that -- It's nothing. Don't worry about it."
That's when the school bell rang. Everyone around us headed for class.
William said, "We'll talk later, I promise."
He tried to walk away, but I grabbed his sleeve. "You've been promising that all week. It's not good enough anymore."
He pulled, but I wouldn't let go. "Eddie, we're gonna be late for cla--"
"Then we'll be late!" I snapped. "This is important."
He stopped protesting after that. I let go, and even as the hallway nearly emptied, he didn't run off.
"William, be honest with me," I pleaded. "Is this because I told you I love you?"
"What?"
"Because I can't help but notice it was right after that when you started avoiding me. Sure, I came along with you to meet Crazy Ralph. But then as soon as you don't need me any more, it's radio silence." I meant to sound angry. I hated how pathetic and desperate I sounded instead. But I kept going with, "Don't ghost me, William. If you're not interested any more, you have to say it."
Is it wrong that I felt a little bit relieved when I saw how heartbroken William looked?
"No. No, Eddie. It's not like that. I promise." He grabbed both my hands. "I love you too. I really do. Seriously, if I could, I would be with you all the time. It's just that I really am busy now."
"With what?"
It seemed a reasonable question to me. But he hesitated. Looked guilty. Eventually, he let go of my hands, shook his head, and said, "I can't explain."
I asked him point-blank, "Where did you go missing that day?"
He looked guilty again. Then he answered point-blank, "I can't tell you that either."
The hallway was empty by now, except for us.
"If we love each other, we shouldn't have secrets," I said. "I don't keep any secrets from you."
I shouldn't have said that, I thought guiltily. It's a lie. I'm keeping a huge secret from him.
William furrowed his eyebrows. "That's a lie?!"
I froze. Clearly, my poker face wasn't nearly as good as I thought.
"I'm -- I'm not lying," I said lamely.
He was both angry and confused. "How are you keeping a secret from me? I've never heard any--"
"We're not talking about me," I said defensively. "I'm not the one who snuck out in the middle of the night. Look, I get that you're going through a lot of stuff. You're dealing with some kind of identity crisis. I get that. And I really, really tried to be supportive about it -- And frankly, a lot of boyfriends wouldn't have."
"Do you think I enjoy keeping this all bottled up?!"
"Then why are you?!"
"Because I can't tell you!" He looked desperate, and manic, and exhausted. "It's too difficult to talk about. It wasn't some fun-filled party, you know. People -- Because of me, people were --"
He shut his eyes and pressed his hands against his ears. "I can't have this conversation right now."
"Willia--"
"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
The lights flickered a bit as he yelled, but I didn't pay attention to that.
Once the lights returned to normal, I turned on the spot and walked away from him.
"Eddie...?"
I didn't answer him. I left him alone.
I didn't know where I was walking to. I was thinking... Actually, I don't remember what I was thinking in that moment... I wasn't thinking much of anything. Except leaving him alone.
"Oh my god," William said. "No, no, no! Snap out of it!"
He ran up behind me and grabbed my hand. The moment he touched me, I stopped and blinked. I hadn't even realized how badly I was spacing out, but suddenly I was alert again.
William rushed around to face me and gently held my head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Eddie," he said quickly. "I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, sorry. I didn't mean to do that, I swear. Please forgive me." His eyes were watering.
It seemed like a pretty extreme reaction for shouting at me. "I-It's okay," I mumbled.
He sniffed. His mouth trembled. After a moment, he nodded.
"I'll talk. I'll tell you everything. Just... Can we please not do it right this second?" He smiled weakly. "I don't want my parents to hear that I skipped class to hang out with my boyfriend. We'll talk after school."
"That's fine," I said. "But when I look for you, are you actually gonna be there this time?"
He looked guilty at that, and nodded again. "Yes."
"Okay."
"Come over to my house this afternoon, Eddie. I'll explain everything then. I promise... For real this time."