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He walked into the living room, carrying a cup of tea and a book with him, but stopped at the doorway when he saw Sirius sitting on the sofa. His knee was bouncing up and down, he had his calendar balanced on his lap, and he was chewing on his pen, looking really sad. He glanced up at Remus when he walked over, and Remus was pretty sure he saw tears in his eyes, but he wasn't sure.
He sat down next to him, and Sirius glanced at him again, quickly looking back down, there definitely were tears in his eyes. “Everything okay?” He asked quietly, setting the book and teacup down on the table, and looking at Sirius.
“Mm yeah, everything's alright,” he mumbled, closing his calendar and setting it down onto the coffee table. Sirius leaned his head on Remus' shoulder as he sat back, he took Remus' hand into his so he could start playing with his fingers.
“Are you sure?” He asked, and Sirius nodded with a small smile, though closed his eyes. “But if something isn't okay, you can tell me.” Sirius nodded.
“Can we go outside?” Sirius asked after a while, sitting up and looking at Remus.
“It's cold. Like freezing cold.”
“Please, moons?”
“Okay.” He smiled slightly as he was pulled up from the sofa. Sirius looked around for his jacket, digging out a pack of cigarettes and his lighter when he found it, then pulling Remus along by his hand back to the living room.
“Grab your tea.” He said, and Remus did, following behind Sirius into the balcony. Sirius sat up onto the railing, leaning against the wall and letting go of Remus’ hand, who went to sit down on the chair in the corner. He watched as Sirius lit up a cigarette and looked over the city, then shifted his gaze to look up at the sky.
He took a sip of his tea, carefully watching what he was doing, even more certain now that something was wrong. “Why did you drag me out here?”
“Because it's nice out,” he said, glancing at Remus, but quickly looked away, looking down at the road, someone was walking their dog and a few cars went by. A few of their neighbours had Christmas lights up, they still looked pretty, twinkling in all the different colours against the dark sky. It had snowed a few days ago, bringing more light into the darkness of the winter. He could see the stars too; it was a clear night, the first one in weeks. “It's not cloudy, you can see the stars moony.”
“You watch the stars almost every night, what's so special about today?” He asked, but Sirius didn't answer, just kept looking away, lighting up another cigarette after a moment. Remus set down his cup, getting up and walked over to Sirius, leaning against the railing. He looked at him, though Sirius didn't look back, he just continued looking down. He looked sad, seemed distant and just off. Something was wrong, but he didn't really know what. “What's up, Sirius?”
“Nothing.” He said. “I told you everything’s fine.” Sirius looked at him, with a smile. Though Remus could tell it was an ingenuine one, he could see the pain behind it, the small tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, but then he looked away. He sniffled, looking up and blinking in order to not let the tears out.
“Sirius…”
“Everything's fine,” He whispered, still not looking back at Remus, just trying his best to keep the tears at bay. “Remus, I swear everything's fine. Nothing's wrong,” he said, his voice wavering on the verge of tears that slowly pooled in his eyes. “E-everything’s fine.”
“It's okay if something is wrong,” Remus said, voice soft and touch gentle as he reached for Sirius' hand, and intertwined their fingers together. “You can tell me, you know that. I'm here for you, yeah? Always, love.” Sirius nodded, biting his lip as more tears started to burn in his eyes, threatening to spill over any second. “Hey now, I can see you're upset about something. We don't have to talk, but let me comfort you at least, please baby?” He said, rubbing his arm gently, trying to look him in the eyes.
He hopped down from the railing after a minute, setting down the things from his hands, looking up at Remus. Sirius' whole body shook as he let Remus pull him into a hug, holding him tightly against his chest. He wrapped his arms around Remus' neck, holding on tightly, as if he would just disappear. He hid his face into Remus' chest, grabbing a fistful of his shirt. Sirius finally let the tears fall, quiet tears quickly turning into heartbreaking sobs; like a dam just breaking from too much pressure.
“Shh, it's alright, it's alright.” He soothed, rubbing up and down his back slowly, hating the way it jumped up and down with his cries. “I’ve got you, baby, I’ve got you. Just cry it out.” He whispered softly into his hair, swaying them slightly as Sirius cried.
He brought one of his hands to the back of his head, holding him close as he started to play with the hairs there. Slowly swirling them around his fingers, his hand going up and down Sirius' back in a peaceful rhythm. It was heartbreaking to hear him cry like that, especially when he didn't know what caused it, but that didn't really matter right now. He just wanted for Sirius to feel better, even slightly.
“Do you wanna go inside, love? It's really cold out here, I don't want you to freeze.” He suggested quietly after a moment, thinking he might be more comfortable inside, but Sirius shook his head quickly. “Okay. That's okay. Shh, don't worry. Can I at least grab the blanket for you?”
Sirius nodded, holding on tighter as Remus reached for the blanket that was in the chair he had sat in before. He draped it over Sirius' shoulders, wrapping it around him the best he could, before going back to rubbing his back, trying to calm his breathing with the rhythmic movement of his hand. He took in deeper breaths, so Sirius could mimic them and get his breathing under control. It was working slowly, but at least it was working.
Sirius was still shaking, or shivering, Remus wasn't sure, but at least his breathing was better now. He was no longer struggling to catch his breath, or hiccuping and choking over his breaths. They were still coming out a little choppy and rushed, but it was slightly still better.
“I-i’m sorry.” Sirius whispered after a long while, quiet and muffled from where his face was mostly hidden.
“No, shush. Nothing to be sorry for, you haven't done anything wrong. Everything's alright.” He whispered, kissing his head. After a while, Sirius lifted his head up, looking at Remus, who gently wiped the tears away from his cheeks. “All good?”
Sirius nodded, sniffling slightly, wiping his nose on the edge of the blanket. “Yeah,” He whispered, looking up at him. “All good.”
“That's good, baby.” He smiled gently, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear. “Wanna tell me, what's making you so upset? You don't have to, I'll still be here for you.”
“It's just um-.” He said, stopping himself to try to gather his wandering thoughts, taking in a deep breath before continuing. “It's been three years since… you know. Today. I still miss him so much, I just miss him, rem. I really do. It's stupid. I should be over it. I-”
“That's okay, it's okay. It's your brother, Sirius, it's normal to miss him, no matter how long it has been.” Remus said, rubbing his arm to try to calm him down as his breathing was picking up again. “That’s why you wanted to come watch the stars?”
“Mm yeah. It makes me feel closer, somehow. It's weird. I can't see the star, but still.” He whispered, a few tears falling, as he looked down, but Remus gently tipped his chin up, wiping away the tears. “I- Just, can we stay?”
“Of course, love.” He smiled, and Sirius nodded, smiling slightly back at him. . He turned around in Remus' arms, continuing to look up at the stars, leaning against Remus' chest. He held him close by his waist, kissing his head, before looking up at the sky himself, it looked pretty.
“When we were young, we-” Sirius started quietly, rubbing his nose to the blanket again. “We used to have competitions of who could name more stars faster.” He could see Sirius smiling, though he still looked sad. “I won when we were young, but then he started winning.”
“If I know you at all, you quit 'cause you weren't better.” Sirius laughed quietly, tilting his head to look at Remus. “I'm right aren't I?”
“Maybe,” He giggled, and Remus smiled, kissing his head, glad he was feeling even a little better. “I'd beat your ass anytime, though.”
“You would.” He smiled. “It would be a really unfair competition, y'know.” Sirius just smiled before looking back up at the stars. “What else did you do with him?”
“He used to talk to me about books constantly, quite like you do.” He whispered with a smile. “When I left home and got my own flat, he used to come over and we'd watch films. It was the only time he could get away from that house, I just tried to make it so he would have a good time.”
“I’m sure it meant the world to him,” Remus said, reaching to gently wipe away the tears that had made their way down Sirius’ cheeks. “You're a good brother, Sirius.”
“Not good enough.”
“None of that, love. Anything that happened was not your fault, you couldn't have done anything more. You did everything you could.” Sirius nodded, turning around to wrap his arms around Remus’ neck, hiding his face back into his chest. “It's okay,” he whispered, rubbing his back and kissing his head.
“What if it was my fault?” He asked quietly. “What if I did something?”
“It wasn't. You've done nothing wrong.” He nodded again. “I know it might feel like it, but I can promise that it wasn't your fault.”
“I feel so bad.”
“I know, baby.” He whispered into his hair, rubbing his back gently. “It’s okay to feel that way though, no matter how long it has been. It's okay to be sad.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah,” He soothed, kissing his head, letting his lips linger there for a moment. “Of course it is, baby.”
It was quiet for a long while, then until Sirius whispered quietly, “Wanna go inside.”
“You sure, baby?” He asked, smiling sadly as Sirius looked up at him, tears still trailing down his cheeks, Remus reached to wipe them away gently, cupping his cheek. “We can still stay out here if you'd like, I've got nowhere to go.”
“It’s fine. ’m fucking freezing.” he laughed, giving him a genuine smile. Remus smiled too, leaning down to give him a gentle kiss, then leaned away, taking Sirius' hand into his. “Can you make me tea, rem?” He asked as a shiver ran through his spine when they stepped back inside their flat. “Please?”
“Of course,” Remus smiled, kissing his hand before letting go of it and turning to go to the kitchen to make both of them tea. Sirius smiled to himself, going to light up a candle that sat on the windowsill. It sat in an old wine bottle, wax running down the side of it from multiple candles being burnt over time. When the candle was lit, he curled up underneath a blanket in the corner of the sofa.
Remus soon came back, two steaming mugs and a bar of chocolate with him. He sat down next to Sirius, giving him his cup, it was his favourite one; light green with a flower on it, and a chip missing from the top. He let Remus underneath his blanket, leaning against him as he was offered a piece of chocolate.