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He twisted his fingers into Remus’ hair, pulling him into the kiss, forcing himself to lean more against the dark oak door. It felt safe and secure, he knew nothing would happen, never with Remus, but he couldn't help but let his mind wander. Suddenly feeling hands on him that weren't there, he knew that because one of Remus' arms was wrapped around his waist, hand gently resting on his hip while the other was holding his hand from leading him up to their dorm. That was it, but he couldn't help the feeling of hands roaming around his body without permission. It wasn't gentle like he was, it was rough, forced, and unwanted, so unlike Remus. He wanted this, so badly, but it was like his mind wouldn't let him enjoy it, no matter how hard he tried to push them away.
It started to get overwhelming, making Sirius drop the hand away from Remus' hair, dropping it to his shoulder. But Sirius couldn't find it in himself to tell Remus when he pulled back slightly to catch his breath. He used the time to try to steady his breathing, which had gotten faster and more uneven than it should've. He avoided eye contact, trying to gather the strength and courage to ask for a break when he felt Remus' hand slip away from his, fingers sliding underneath his chin, tipping it up so he would look at him.
“Everything okay, love?” He asked softly, leaning away from Sirius to give him space if he needed it. He could feel the way his body trembled and how his breathing got even faster and uneven than it already was. Sirius nodded quickly, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at Remus, which just made him all the more worried. “Are you sure?”
“Y-yeah,” Sirius said, trying to smile to make him less worried, but when he looked at Remus again, his eyes were shiny and blown wide, and not for the reason he'd like them to be. He just shook his head before Remus could respond, reaching up to dry his eyes with his sleeves. “M’fine.” He whispered brokenly, tears starting to trail down his cheeks.
“Hey, Sirius baby, no shh.” He let go of Sirius, standing back even more. “It's okay if you're not, look at me, please?” Sirius shook his head, hiding his face in his arms, sliding down the door to sit on the floor, slowly bringing his knees up to his chest to curl up on himself. Remus kneeled in front of him, going to stop Sirius from pulling on his hair, but quickly realised he probably wouldn't want to be touched right now, so he pulled his hand back, trying to figure something out to help him.
“M’sorry.” He whispered, hiccuping as he cried. “I-”
“It's okay, don't be sorry. It's okay, baby.” He soothed, trying to keep his voice calm and not let the worry seep into it, knowing it would only upset him further. “It's okay to get overwhelmed or scared, I'm not mad at you or upset with you. It's okay, I promise.”
“S-sorry. Didn' mean to.” He whispered, shaking his head. “I'm sorry.”
“Don't apologise, love. It's really okay, I promise it's okay.” Sirius shook his head again, letting out a quiet sob and twisting his hand ever more into his hair. “What can I do to help? Please, sweetheart, let me help?”
“I-i don' know… Rem I-i don't.”
“That's okay, that's okay.” He soothed, trying to figure something out to help him. His breathing was starting to get out of control, fast and choppy as he struggled to breathe in. “Do you think I can touch you? Just your hand, baby. Don't have to-” Sirius anxiously searched for Remus' hand, who took the trembling one into both of his, holding on gently, rubbing small circles into his wrist with his thumb.
“I'm sorry.”
“Shh,” Remus whispered. “No more saying sorry, it's okay. Got nothing to apologise for.” Sirius nodded slightly, but it did nothing to calm down his breathing or the sobs that wrecked through his body as he cried. “Could you maybe try to take some deep breaths? I know it's hard, but could you try? I'll help you, baby.”
He nodded again, holding Remus' hand tighter, trying his bed to listen to the instructions he was given, breathe in, breathe out. It shouldn't be this hard, but it felt like an impossible task, he tried, but it was as if his lungs just wouldn't let him take in the air. In through your nose. He nodded subconsciously, taking in a shaky, slow breath, hiccuping as he did so, more tears making their way down his cheeks. Out through your mouth. He let out an equally shaky breath, trying his best to repeat the previous set of instructions.
It took a long while before Sirius managed to calm down his breathing, it was still slightly elaborated, but at least he wasn't gasping for air anymore. He was sure he wouldn't have been able to do it without the gentle encouragement from Remus, without him being there and repeating the instructions, breathing with him, it would've felt harder than it actually was.
“I love you,” Remus whispered, smiling sadly as Sirius looked up, his eyes were red and puffy from the tears, cheeks blushed and sticky looking, pieces of hair sticking to them. He moved so he'd be slightly closer, letting go of his hand so he could reach to wipe away the rest of the tears. Sirius leaned into the touch, smiling slightly as Remus cupped his cheeks. “Can I hug you?”
Sirius nodded quickly, throwing his arms around Remus' neck, and hugging him tightly. Remus hugged him back, kissing the side of his head and rubbing his back slowly to ground him. “I'm here, baby. I love you.”
“I-i love you.” He whispered, sniffling sadly. “ ‘m sorry, moony.”
“What are you saying sorry for, hmm?” He asked, running his hand down his back. Sirius lifted his head after a moment, looking back at Remus, who frowned, wiping away the tears. “You have nothing to be sorry for, angel. Absolutely nothing.”
“Ruined this.” He whispered, gesturing to the small space between them. Remus shook his head, taking Sirius' hand into his and kissing his forehead. “But-”
“Haven't ruined a thing, love. Don't worry.” He nodded, looking away for a moment. “I mean it, it's really okay.”
“Okay.”
“Sirius?” He hummed, looking back up at Remus, who smiled softly, brushing a strand of hair behind his ear. “We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. If you're not ready, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere, baby.”
“I- I am, I swear.” He whispered. “Moony- I want to. I do. But I just- I can't help the thoughts. It's stupid.”
“It's not,” Remus said, making sure to look him in the eyes. “You had something very awful happen to you, Something traumatic. It's okay to get overwhelmed, it's bound to happen y'know?”
“But like- I know you'd never…” Sirius whispered, tears starting to burn in his eyes again as he looked at Remus, hoping he would understand without him having to actually say the words that made him feel sick to his stomach. “I know that. I do. But sometimes I just- it's so stupid ‘cause it's you and I trust you and I love you, so it's stupid to think it would- But I want to. I want to, I really do, Rem.”
“It's not stupid, baby. I promise it's not.” He said, caressing Sirius' cheek gently. “Healing takes time, and we can’t rush it even if we'd like to, and it’s okay to take time. I won’t go anywhere, no matter how long it takes, love.”
“What if… What if I never-” he stuttered, looking up at Remus, eyes filled with tears and so lost, looking for something to pull him out of the deep depths of his thoughts. “I can’t stop thinking about it.” Sirius cried, leaning back against Remus who held him tightly, hoping to make him feel better, at least a little. “It’s a-always there an’ I just… I hate it. It makes me feel so bad. Make it go away, Remus please.”
“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” He soothed, kissing his head, letting his lips linger there for a moment. Feeling tears of his own start to burn in his eyes as he listened to the heartbreaking cries. “I’m trying, baby. Shh, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.”
“I'm here, and I'll be here, angel. Always with you, hmm?” Sirius nodded, letting out shaky breaths as he tried to get his breathing back under control. He felt better while being held by Remus, those warm, safe arms wrapped around him, slowly rubbing his back. “I love you, Siri.”
“I-i love you, Rem.”
Remus kissed his head again, burrowing his nose into his hair as Sirius calmed down, tears slowly turning into small sniffles and breathing returning to its normal calm pace. “Wanna go to bed, have a little cuddle? We could have some tea and maybe chocolate, sound good?”
Sirius hummed, lifting his head to look at Remus but not leaning too far away from the warm embrace. “You willing to share?” He asked with a little laugh, Remus smiled, cupping his cheeks and wiping away the rest of the mostly dried out tears.
“Only with you,” He whispered, leaning in to give him a chaste kiss, then kissing his nose to make Sirius laugh like it always did. “C'mon, help me up, love ”Sirius laughed again as he got up from the floor, holding his hands out so he could get up as well, he pulled Remus close, and back into a hug, not wanting to stay away for longer than necessary.