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Closure was a tough thing to find in solitude. No matter how much Simon willed it, the world just would not stop spinning and give him a moment to breathe. It was one thing to be preoccupied with depression, on a couch, with every waking thought a battle to stay afloat and every dream a nightmare. It was another thing entirely to just feel nothing.
(Not nothing, if you were asking Baz. He could sense the grief in someone from streets away. If he caught Simon staring at a wall, consumed with ‘nothing’, he knew it was the consumption of trying to avoid thoughts of the life he could have lived. It was familiar; it was strange. Someone who had once been so visceral in his feelings, now a shell.)
The photo of Lucy Salisbury stayed in Simon’s wallet. White creases and sun damage were threatening her smile, but the urge to look at it and reconstruct what her voice would have sounded like, what her embrace felt like, were too strong for him to ignore it. That, and his thoughtless fidgeting, flicking the corner of the card in an unsteady rhythm.
Baz was soft about it. Perpetually nervous and treading on eggshells, Simon knew he wanted to say something. Stop damaging it. Stop hurting yourself. Come back, like you did before.
The best he could offer was an unwavering shadow. Grief had pushed them back to square one.
So it was surprising, but not unwelcome, when Daphne showed up at their front door with a bag of groceries. She smiled at Simon like she was excited to see him, and didn’t hesitate to hug him despite 2 days of sweat sticking to his skin.
“I’m intervening,” she said, a bit like a joke that wasn’t that funny. “Basilton isn’t too bad of a cook, but I know you prefer baking. He’s useless at baking. Can’t follow rules to save himself.”
The crease in the couch where Simon had been rotting was covered in crumbs and empty crisp packets. Baz usually encouraged him to clean up when he got home from work, but stubbornness had kicked in over the past couple of days. It was getting close to Simon’s birthday — a date marred by death, as far as he was concerned — and he’d been hoping to sleep through the week.
“It’s a mess, sorry,” Simon offered. It got him a dismissive wave.
“Darling I had 3 kids under 3 for a while,” Daphne chuckled. “I can handle some mess.”
She unloaded ingredients and began putting them away, making verbal notes about how their cupboards were arranged and doing her best to follow their order. When she corrected her placement of the flour from the top shelf to the bottom, Simon got a dull feeling in his stomach that they’d organised their pantry wrong.
“Sorry, lovely — I went on autopilot for a moment.” She followed most of what she said with a small laugh at herself. “I think you ought to sit at the counter and help me bake. I’ve not a clue how your oven works.”
So, Simon excused himself to the bathroom and changed his clothes, unable to look at himself as he applied new deodorant. When he came back out, the oven was on, and Daphne was tying up Baz’s apron around her waist.
“I figured it out! First win of the day!”
Simon imagined her with a pleated chef’s hat, just because he felt it fit, and took his assigned seat at the counter.
“I tried this at home with very little success,” she admitted, “but in my defence, there aren’t a lot of recipes for sour cherry cakes.”
His heart picked up a bit — through excitement or fear, he didn’t know.
“That’s okay,” he said.
“Well, we’ll see.” She assembled their stand mixer. “How are you, dear? Baz says you’re having a tough week.”
How was he supposed to answer that? “I’m okay,” came out before he considered whether he should be lying or not.
Daphne arched an eyebrow. Very Baz. “You’ve been through enough terrible things over the past few years to tell me that’s not true. But, if you don’t want to talk, I won’t make you.” She drummed the stand mixer. “I’ll make you a cake instead.”
She’d always had a way of speaking that was evident of her motherhood. The twins were little terrors, and on more than one occasion Simon had seen Daphne encouraging their harmless mischief. He thought they must have been the happiest kids alive, but then he’d not known many happy kids.
“Did you know Lucy Salisbury?” Simon asked. He wasn’t planning to.
Daphne paused, smiled, and sighed. “I did. She was sunshine embodied. A couple of years older than me at school.”
That was what everyone said. Always nice, always kind.
“She did, however, have a mischief streak. She got caught a couple of times, sneaking into the Enchanted Woods to smoke.” Daphne laughed fondly. “Everyone did, back then, but it was always funny to see them get dragged back through the gates. Lucy always looked so smug when she did, though we couldn’t tell if she was proud or stoned.”
This was new. Always perfect Lucy Salisbury, adored by everyone, an average misfit. Like Simon, to an extent.
“And she was a fiend for mystery. One time, we caught wind of a Normal having snuck into Watford and hiding in the catacombs. Oh, she was down there every night trying to catch the bastard. It turned out to be nothing but a rumour, but she was dedicated. And— that’s right — she had every copy of Nancy Drew. Figures! We used to borrow them from her. She got the whole girls dorm hooked.”
Nancy Drew. His mother, a snoop.
Daphne turned the mixer on and let her ingredients combine, glancing around the room while she geared up to say something. Simon wished she wouldn’t, whatever it was. He didn’t want to stop hearing about the person Lucy had been.
“Basilton isn’t my biological son,” she reminded him. “When I met him, he was tiny and moody and upset that his father had replaced his mum. It made sense, of course. A child can’t replace a parent so easily.” She sighed. “I love him so dearly. Always have. As far as I’m concerned, he’s always been one of my babies. I never wanted to replace Natasha, because that’s impossible.”
She gently nudged his hand.
“You are my son-in-law. I don’t care that you’re not married, or if you never get married, or whatever. I will never claim to be Lucy Salisbury. Even so, I still love you as my son.” Her eyes glossed over. “You’re easy to love, frankly. You make my baby happy. So, if you need anything, or if you forget that at any point, I want you to know you can call me. Show up at the house. Track me down, I don’t care. You’re our family.” She stroked his cheek and smeared a tear against his skin. “Lucy is so proud of you, I just know it. The two of you are so alike. She loves you. Always.”
Simon held her hand to his face, not ready for her to pull away. She didn’t. Not until he’d cried as much as he needed to and the stand mixer was turned off. Daphne rounded the kitchen counter and hugged him despite his grime.
“Are you sure you want another kid to worry about?” He asked.
“I’ve had enough kids to know that I can handle it.” She kissed his forehead. “As long as you can forgive me for giving you a subpar birthday cake.”