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Alec was a good boy. He always did what was asked of him. He always did his duty. Family, status, responsibility. All of that had to go before his personal feelings and desires. Being the first child of the Lightwoods he was always counted on and relied upon, taught how to act and how to fight from a young age. And he was doing an alright job if he could say so himself. His parents knew they could trust him with anything and he was eventually going to inherit the Institute. That was how it should be.
At least that was true before Clary came along. Keeping his feelings in check became harder and he was, more often than not, in a crappy mood. He knew he looked grumpy and unwelcoming, but how could he look any different when this new girl, who had come out of nowhere, was always getting him and his siblings in trouble? She was recklessly dragging them into dangerous situations and his rational side couldn't understand it, this thing where they were operating without any permission or solid plan. Alec could feel everything slip through his fingers but no matter what was happening he had to keep his feelings in check. Emotions were nothing but a distraction. He was taught to control them and that’s all he had to do. It would eventually be alright as long as he did what he was told and acted like the responsible son. He’d receive any punishment and then he’d redeem himself. He knew how to do that, it was alright as long as he didn’t let anything, or anybody, shake his resolve.
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“Maybe you should start living for yourself,” said Magnus Bane, the high warlock of Brooklyn, and Alec just looked at him, eyes wide and conflicted. “Do what’s in your heart.”
Magnus had caught him at a vulnerable state and that was dangerous, it made Alec rethink all he had been telling himself. Alec had been using the punching bag, imagining all his troubles could be beaten down, crushed by the power of his frustration. But as hard as he punched it hadn’t been working. Maybe his sister was right about him bottling things up too much because just pouring his troubles out to Magnus had helped a bit. He felt bared before Magnus – and it had nothing to do with his unzipped hoodie – but then again he always felt like Magnus could see too much of him. Magnus’s catlike eyes stared at him with compassion, like he could understand what Alec was going through, and it made Alec want to do something new for once. He wanted to do something for himself. To take Magnus’s piece of advice and let himself be free of the burden his parents wanted him to carry. It felt too heavy, his shoulders sagging as if it were a real weight that was thrust upon him.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Alec starts and his throat feels so dry he is surprised words are even coming out. “I think you’re right.”
Magnus's stare is piercing and Alec feels this mad urge to get closer. This magnificent person seems to find an interest in Alec, for whatever reason. Alec can’t see why. He isn't as beautiful as Jace or Izzy, or as interesting. So why are Magnus’s eyes drawn to him? He would think it a trick but Magnus is too kind for something so cruel.
With a trembling hand Alec reaches out and does what his heart seems to want. And that’s to touch Magnus. Magnus doesn’t move as Alec tentatively cups the side of his face, his only reaction to inhale sharply. He is patient, Alec realizes, waiting for Alec to do whatever he wants to.
“What I really want to do right now… is kiss you,” Alec says slowly, sincere and straightforward.
Alec is aware of how beautiful Magnus is, he saw that the first time he met him. But now he knows Magnus is also kind, and compassionate, somebody who wants to help others, and Alec finds him all the more attractive for it.
“If you don’t want this, I suggest you step back,” Alec adds.
He doesn’t think he himself is able to step away from Magnus, not with the way the other man is looking at him. Maybe Magnus is hypnotizing him, it certainly feels that way. Alec stiffens as one of Magnus’s feet moves. He’s stepping away, Alec thinks with a feeling of panic that is so strong he almost begs Magnus to stay. But he is wrong. Magnus – steps forwards, into Alec’s space. The breath that rips itself from Alec’s throat is shaky and he must look relived because Magnus’s face softens with understanding and maybe some amusement. Alec is pretty sure he's like an open book to Magnus but he can't read the other male that well. Then Magnus turns his head just slightly, nuzzling Alec's palm with the barest of smiles and maybe Alec can understand enough after all.
He wants this, Alec thinks, frozen for a moment. That's all the encouragement Alec needs and even so he is nervous. It’s not a bad sort of nervousness, more like butterflies fluttering in his stomach kind of one and he has always thought that the saying was stupid and ridiculous. But now it seems far too accurate and maybe he was the ridiculous one for disregarding a person could feel that just because it was unfamiliar to him.
Alec takes a breath and leans forwards first. He isn’t sure what to expect, but Magnus meeting him with eagerness is definitely appreciated, it makes Alec feel more secure with the assuredness he isn’t the only one who wants this even if logically he already knew that. Magnus isn’t hesitant with the way he presses their lips together but he is gentle, like he thinks Alec is something precious, somebody to be handled with care. It's not what Alec - big strong shadowhunter - is used to. Something in Alec feels like it’s breaking and with an almost wounded sound he presses closer. It’s all heat and slickness from then on, Magnus’s hands on his hips, only his fingertips grazing Alec's bared skin, their chests pressed together. Magnus pries Alec’s mouth open and tastes him, slow and thorough, and Alec thinks that Magnus sure knows what he's doing. His tongue is slick and warm against Alec’s and he swallows every moan Alec makes and gives him more, kisses him harder, until Alec is almost shaking. His legs feel unsteady and he clings to Magnus in fear that he is about to fall.
But it’s alright, he knows. Even if he falls Magnus is there to catch him.