Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There was something lonely about this house now.

There was something missing, something that seemed to be irreplaceable.

The chipped brick walls no longer spoke to him with comforting words, the old timber floors didn’t feel warm against his bare feet.

There was something desperately wrong with this house, indeed. 

Haruka knew exactly what it was.

He had known for the longest of times; of the difference in the house itself. The moment he set foot in it after the accident. He just knew.

Three years, and the place still hadn’t been returned to normal. It still felt ominous, haunting even.

Three years and nothing had changed.

Three years since Makoto had died, leaving the other in this house all alone.

The fireplace that used to heat Haruka’s cheeks and soul lay there, unused and neglected. It always felt cold-

No.

It always felt dead inside here.

Haru remembered being asked just why he still stayed here, after everything that had happened. After all the memories that this pile of bricks had brought him, why would he stay after all of this heartbreak?

Why did he stay, if the very frames on the walls reminded him of the bittersweet past he’d had?

Of the hopeful future he could have had.
Haru still wasn’t sure.

It could have been because he swore that he still heard Makoto through the walls every so often. Drifting about restlessly, like there was some kind of unfinished business he had to take care of. Like the brunet was still watching him from beyond this dreadful little world Haru lived in.

What was stranger was that instead of being terrified, for once in a while Haruka actually felt comforted. Like the brunet was still there beside him and not six feet below the earth. Laying in a silk lined coffin that he’d been put underground far too soon.

Hearing what he thought was Makoto’s voice kept him oddly sane throughout these years by himself. Talking back to the brunet made him feel safe. It made him feel like nothing had changed at all. Like he was still walking beside him on their way to school, or grabbing that tanned hand that pulled him out of the pool. It made him feel the last lingering semblances of the happier life he had lived before everything had went to hell.

His parents had caught him multiple times doing it too, and they called him crazy. They called him sick, they called him insane.

Haruka didn’t really care what they thought at all. He’d done enough to make them happy.

He had acted as they asked, he’d started working for them. He let them preen all over him as much as they wanted. They groomed him into the perfect worker, the perfect little minion for them to rule over with an iron first. And, when the time came, take over for the two of them. A head for their pristine company, at last.

The thought had hit Haru with dread, originally. But now all he felt was familiar cold numbness when they approached him about it.

Maybe he had just stopped caring in general.

Maybe after all this time he had become the son they really wanted.

A disposable puppet, too wrought with dated grief to fight back anymore.

He could finally be of use to them, in the most twisted way possible.

Good for them.

There were only so many things Haru could really deal with anymore anyways.

Haruka had become robotic in his dealings, withdrawing further into himself then he ever had in high school. Not feeling, not smiling, not speaking unless he had to.

Except this time, there was no one to pull him out of this cycle.

There was no more Iwatobi swim team, they had all graduated long ago.

The last time he had even seen Nagisa, Rei and Gou had been at Makoto’s funeral. They called him sometimes, sure, but after a while. One word answers just grew tedious.

As for Rin, well he had seen him one time after that.

When he quit the national swim team.

The look on the redhead’s face when he overheard was one of pure heartbreak.

But besides that, there was one of understanding.

That was the expression that broke Haru the most.

Rin had always been the one to push him, push him until there was nothing left to give. He’d been the one that had lead him to his dreams in the first place.

The two of them had won just before the accident, a medal of gold for the both of them in their respected styles of swimming, as well as a silver in the relay.

Haru still remembered how happy he’d felt that day. How Rin had started crying as the realisation finally sank in. How Makoto had looked at the two of them so prideful, so fond from the bleachers…

But that had been far too long ago. There was no time to dwell on such things…

And yet, Haruka couldn’t forget the expression Rin had held on his face the moment Haru had announced his resignation.

The look Rin had given Haruka that day, hadn’t been one of anger as Haru had expected.

It had been one of defeat.

He had given up on Haru just like that.

That had been the last time he’d seen Rin since then and yet it still haunted him like a nasty wound fresh on his skin.

Haru felt a presence beside him and craned his neck up slightly.

“Makoto.” Haru spoke assuredly, his voice carrying throughout the baron hallways.  His breath, light and calm as he sat beside Makoto’s presence. He could feel the brunet drifting beside him and was once again awash with a calming aura. The house echoed with emptiness, yet Haru knew he was there.

He always knew.

“If you hadn’t left that night, do you think you’d still be gone?”

Haruka didn’t cry the night of such an incident.

All he felt was numb.

All he felt was the excruciating nothingness that just seemed to swallow him whole all at once.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to sob.

All that came was the pitying stares of all of his friends, the hapless pats on the shoulder from people he’d rarely seen.

Their eyes looked at him as if they were telling him that he should be feeling something, anything at all.

And yet, the darkness just seemed to envelope him further and further until his soul felt like it was gone.

Haru waited on Makoto’s answer patiently, closing his eyes to focus, to make sure he hadn’t missed a single word. To make sure he wasn’t too late.

Silence.

“Do you think you could give me a sign as to what I’m supposed to do, what kind of life I should lead? Is it okay for me to move on, even if I don’t want to?”

Haruka didn’t notice how lifeless his voice sounded.

It had become completely normal for him these days.

Other people had picked up on it, however.

“Haruka, you must stop acting so gloomy, at once. You’ll never find a proper partner like that.”

“Haruka, it’s been three years, you have to get over that boy.”

“Haruka, that wasn’t real love, you were just playing around.”

All words from his parents that he took with not a single bite of his tongue. They had always been this way.

Such things had stopped getting to him anymore, he had given up trying to reason with them that they were being cruel. That they were just making it worse.

He had never voiced his opinions.

“Haruka, Shizuka-San and I have arranged a meeting for you and his daughter. You’re nearly twenty-three it’s time to find a wife.”

A simple nod of his head.

He was trapped in a painful oblivion that he just didn’t have the strength to deal with anymore.

The night before the meeting his father had organised for him.

The night before another big part in his future was decided for him.

He’d had so much taken away from him, why should he care now?

Haruka lay curled up on the sofa, his usual sleeping place. The cushiony surface becoming one of his last comforts on this Earth.

The bedroom was somewhere that he fully couldn’t get used to by himself, it gave him goose bumps every time he walked through the door frame.

The cold broke through his jeans and shot through his skin just now, the breeze from the open window blowing through.

Haruka drew his scarf closer to him, adamant on not moving to get more blankets. He sighed uncomfortably, and drew his knees closer to himself. Hoping for sleep to take him soon.

A knock at the door.

Apparently stillness wasn’t in the cards today.

It had been a long time since he’d heard tapping on that door, his parents usually just stormed in. Most likely assuming he wouldn’t open if he knew they were coming. The noise felt oddly out of place in this desolate room, it felt wrong.

Haru debated on whether or not to answer.

There wasn’t really anyone he wanted to see right now… It was probably best to just leave it for now.

Surely they’d leave when they realised he wasn’t home.

“Open up Haru! I know you’re in there!”

Haruka’s blue eyes shot up immediately at the sound of the familiar voice.

A voice he hadn’t heard in what felt like a thousand years. A brash, grumbly voice. The same voice that motivated him, that set a fire within him for the first time all those years ago.

Haru’s head jerked left, towards the door. Eyeing it with a strong suspicion. “…Rin?” Haru stumbled from his position, wondering if this could all just possibly be another phantom of the past.

Putting his pale hand on the doorknob, Haru took a deep breath. Strangely praying that this wasn’t some strange apparition his mind had made up.

Haruka jerked the door open slowly, his tired eyes widening ever so slightly.

This was no dream.

“Rin.”

The redhead grinned at him, his crimson ponytail falling out of its band in tiny strings. Haruka took in his appearance and bit back a remark.

Rin looked almost exactly the same since Haruka had last seen him.

For some reason that was a relief to him.

The odd visitor leaned on the door frame almost unnaturally with a shaky smile on his strangely pink lips. It looked as if he was nervous, like he wasn’t quite sure what to expect from this ordeal.

“Long time no see, Haru.” He spoke, giving a short wave of his hand as a greeting.

Haruka didn’t reply immediately, obviously not finished staring for now.

Old flannel shirt, Haruka was certain he’d had since high school. Black jeans that looked almost painted on…

This was the Rin that Haru had always grown accustomed to.

It was strange how welcoming that made Haruka feel, how it almost gave him nostalgia just looking at his old friend.

It reminded him of older times when things weren’t so dark.

Sweeping his gaze over him one last time, he noticed one thing out of the ordinary.

Rin seemed to be carrying something… A suitcase?

Odd.

“It’s nearly midnight, Rin.” Haru stated, frowning as he looked over at the redhead, casually slumping against his very own door frame.

No, that wasn’t what Haruka had wanted to say.

That wasn’t it at all.

That came out far too cold, far too rude.

Had all these years chipped away the bonds these two had shared?

Had Haruka lost himself completely?

What had happened to when Haruka would catch himself smiling at the redhead, or nearly laughing at one of his stupid jokes?

The man knew exactly what happened.

“Like you could sleep anyway,” Rin remarked, scowling at the response, his once timid mood sparking back to his usual grouchy exterior.

Haruka huffed, knowing that the man was correct. “What do you want?” He asked coldly.

Rin flinched, knowing he had offended him unintentionally. His nervousness noticeably intensified as he raked a hand through his red hair.

Somehow collecting himself, the redhead took a deep breath.

Now or never.

“I’m leaving to see the world, Haru.”

Crossing his arms, Haru looked the man up and down. “And?”

Another breath.

“I want you to come too.”

Silence.

An unnerving quiet.

“No.”

Rin’s face dropped, a frown setting in his face. “I thought you’d say that…” The redhead lightly shifted Haruka over as he entered the house.

Haru let him.

The redhead spent a matter of seconds looking into the room he had just walked in on.

He must have seen what a mess it had been… Yet his faced remained unchanging.

All the dirty clothes… All of the garbage strewn about the place… The half-eaten meals that Haruka couldn’t bring himself to eat.

But he didn’t say anything.

Rin’s shoes clicked on the floorboard but then slowly came to a stop a few metres away from Haruka. Obviously preparing himself for another wild proposal.

“Haru, you know that you need this.”  

The other man furrowed his dark eyebrows. A mild semblance of irritation entering his veins. “Rin, it’s been three years, and you show up at our doorstep, expecting me to leave everything behind for you?”

Crimson eyes welled with hurt as he stared back.

“Yes, I do.”

Breaking eye contact, Haruka looked to the floor. Unable to look into Rin’s disappointed gaze anymore.

It reminded him of the last time he’d seen the redhead…

“I can’t, Rin.” 

“Haru, He wouldn’t want you living like this, Mako-“

“Don’t say it.” The man cut Rin off, screwing his eyes shut. “Just… don’t.”

“You know I’m right.” The redhead shot back defiantly, his troubled expression masking what he was really feeling.

“Just, leave, without me. I’m not going.”

The redhead’s mouth smoothed out into a thin line as he looked Haru up and down once more.

His shoulders tensed but then relaxed again, trying to keep himself calm in the middle of this situation.

“My flight leaves at six, that’s all I know. I have extra money for another ticket and it would really suck to see it all go to waste. I’ll see you there.” Was his clipped reply, it seemed oddly sharp in tone despite the casual wording.

Rin didn’t look back at Haruka after that. Moving to the door with some kind of false conviction that Haru would actually be there as he said.

“Don’t be late.”

Haru stood there for a while after that. After the closing of the door no longer echoed in the cold, dark hallway.

Staring at the space Rin used to stand at with some kind of odd melancholy cocktail of regret and sadness.

The one opportunity to…

To what?

Escape this life?

Hadn’t Haruka sworn he didn’t care anymore?

Then, why?

Why did he start feeling… something inside himself the moment Rin showed up at his door?

“Shit!” Haruka exclaimed, biting his lip as he ran to the front door, opening it with sheer determination for a change.

He could see the sky turning pink outside the curtains. He could feel the light streaming in.

His mind told him that he was too late.

His heart told him to just give up.

And yet, his legs took him out the door and into the outside world he had grown unaccustomed to.

He had been too late, too many times. He couldn’t let that happen again.

He just couldn’t.

A chance like this…. It had to be fate Rin had shown up at his door that night.

Chapter Text

A particularly snowy winter.

Haruka shivered from the biting cold out, his nose growing rather red from the frost adamantly nipping at it. He looked upon the snow flake that had fallen on his gloved hand with a certain kind of fascinated clarity. The intricate details, the almost completely transparent shell...

It was beautiful.

His interest with snowflakes could have easily been chalked up to be just another great love for the water that they held frozen inside the inner casings. Not quite his greatest fascination, the deep blue ocean he loved oh so very much, but just enough for him to admire them.

Tiny specks of snow began falling from the sky as they made their way up the old concrete steps to the shrine for New Year’s. Planning to pray for the best of luck on their journey to Tokyo.

 Makoto had been the one to suggest it.

‘It would be good to see everyone again before we leave, anyway.’ He’d spoken to Haru while walking home from the local pools one afternoon. ‘We need to tell them a proper goodbye!’

Haruka had agreed, of course.

Haru frowned at the white littering the ground now, knowing that he couldn’t possibly swim in this weather.

Well, not with Makoto watching over him like a mother hen.

He’d have to make sure there was an indoor swimming centre all the way in Tokyo for the winter…

A gust of wind blew at the pair of them, causing goose bumps to appear all over Haru’s underdressed body. Haruka pulled at the corners of his thin jacket, hoping for more coverage from the freezing cold gusts. He breathed in a breath of icy air and coughed from the surprise.

“Are you cold, Haru?” Makoto asked, worriedly. His brown eyebrows furrowing at Haru’s discomfort.

“No.” Haruka lied, drawing his arms closer to himself.

He was always a horrible liar.

After so many years of knowing the freestyle exclusive swimmer; Makoto knew when to pick up such a thing.

Looking at the shorter man fondly, the brunet pulled off his own dark green scarf. Unwinding it with a meticulous precision.

He carefully wound it around Haruka’s neck, ignoring the other’s half-hearted protests.

“Thank you.” Haru muttered, his gloved hands gripping the soft material of the scarf carefully. The fabric smelled of Makoto and Haruka couldn’t help but close his eyes as he inhaled the lovely scent of cinnamon and chlorine.

Makoto had never asked for the scarf back.

Sometimes if Haru tries hard enough; he can still smell the lingering pieces of that memory.

Haruka didn’t stop running until he found a taxi that could take him.

Pulling on the worn old scarf closer to his neck, his chest heaved with over-exertion by the time he’d slid himself into the back of the cab.

The inside smelled of stale cigarettes and donuts but Haru didn’t seem to notice right now.

“Where to?” A grumbly old voice heard from the front asked.

“Haneda airport.” Haru puffed out, still trying to catch his breath. “Quickly.”

And with that the old vehicle lurched forward, fast, yet not fast enough.

Pushing down the incredible unease he felt, Haruka tried his best to rearrange his thoughts.

He couldn’t.

This was crazy.

Rin had been so vague about where he was going… Even if Haru did make it on time, why did the redhead think he’d know which flight he’d pick? Let alone where he would be.

This was stupid.

Were they going out of the country?

Again?

Rin had already done that once to him.

What an experience that had been…

A painfully longing sting in his heart stopped him from reminiscing any further than that. Haruka cringed at the memory now. Whenever he thought about it, it just brought him a sick feeling in his chest.

Maybe that was why it was better to feel numb.

Rin hadn’t expected Haru to look like that.

He hadn’t expected the sunken cheeks, the glazed over eyes. The grief that was so present on his face that it had become nearly unshakable.

If he’d known.

If Rin had known Haruka was suffering like this.

Suffering in a way that even Haru himself didn’t realise.

He would have done this so much sooner.

When time hadn’t torn any shred of free will he had left in the edges of his bones.

It had to be too late now, the redhead glanced at his watch woefully.

He should have just dragged him here…

Instead he’d trusted Haru to make his own decision, and Rin was positive it would be the one he didn’t quite favour at all.

With a heavy sigh, the redhead crossed the glossy tiled surfaces, wheeling a suitcase all the way to the nearest terminal.

This journey would have to be a solo one.

Rin felt his eyes begin sting.

‘Rin Matsuoka, you are not going to fucking cry over something like this. It’s stupid.’

But was it really that stupid?

Irrational? Sure.

But in all reality Rin needed this trip nearly as much as Haruka himself needed it.

Not that he was ready to even think about the reason why yet.

Haruka felt his heart beat faster every metre he travelled closer to the airport.

Every waking moment he spent in the taxi was used on worrying if he’d get there on time and wondering if he cared if he didn’t.

Worry? That hadn’t been an emotion Haru had felt in the longest of times…

Of course it had to be Rin that stirred up all these unnecessary feelings.

He clenched his fists.

The whole point of this trip was to pick a destination at the airport and just travel there on a whim.

‘You have all the money in the world, but have no idea where to go. Jesus, Rin, seventeen year old you would want to kick your ass.’

Why was this so fucking hard?

Why was Rin even doing this again?

Oh right, because he’d rather go to fucking Antarctica then be anywhere near his house right now.

The redhead found himself looking for a flight to the South Pole out of pure curiosity. But knew it was only a distraction.

Rin knew he was only buying time with money he didn’t have and it was slowly running out.

Yet there seemed to be some kind of strange hope in his heart that just didn’t seem to go away.

The redhead really wished it would; there would be a lot less painful disappointment then…

The young man felt himself begin to frown again, why had he been so hopeful in the beginning anyway?

Like Haru would join him… Rin didn’t even know where he was going.

It was pointless.

It was fruitless.

It was unnecessary-

“Rin!”

It was the best idea Rin had ever had.

Chapter Text

Haruka didn’t really believe in fate until the night Makoto kissed him.

Their first week in Tokyo.

He thought that whatever happened throughout his life would simply be coincidence; that the universe didn’t have everything planned out for him.

But as he felt his best friend’s lips on his. All the cogs in his head turned around.

Everything in his life had lead up to this moment.

Just as everything else after this would be predetermined by the past. By the world.

The kiss had been unexpected, it had been rash. The brunet hadn’t been thinking about doing such a thing.

It had just happened.

Almost as if Makoto had received a little shove from an unknown entity.

Because God knows he didn’t have enough back bone to do it all by himself.

Haru remembers the smile Makoto had on his face when Haruka kissed back slowly, cautiously, but he can’t quite recall anything else.

The memory was far too foggy; far too long ago.

Maybe this was just Haruka’s way of trying to block Makoto out of his system.

Not that that ever worked anyway.

Sometimes Haruka tries to blame fate for why Makoto is gone.

Rin’s head turned far too quickly for it to look neutral.

Rin’s eyes widened far too huge for them to look unsurprised.

Rin’s heart beat too harshly for this to be any kind of normal feeling.

The redhead’s eyes rested on Haruka advancing towards him.

He pretended not to notice how out of breath Haru was; how the dark bags under his eyes looked like they had been there for an eternity. How the sorrow in his eyes seemed everlasting.

Seeing him again, even after just doing so still knocked the breath out of Rin.

“Haru…” The redhead’s mouth moved on his own. Looking at Haruka with completely unconcealed surprise.

“You could have told me where you were going to be waiting, you know.” Haru puffed, his voice barely reaching Rin’s ears.

“I didn’t think you’d come…”

Meeting the man’s eyes Haru drew in another breath. “I didn’t think so either.”

The redhead smiled. Looking upon the board of places to travel with a renewed sense of adventure.

It was strange how Haru could do that to him. Give him another perspective in a matter of seconds. Completely dash his plans and build them up just with a few words.

Sousuke said it was because Rin valued Haru’s opinion far too much.

But the Olympian himself thought it went further than that, somehow.

“So, do you have anywhere in particular you want to go?” Rin asked, turning his head to ask the newly arrived raven.

Haruka’s frown deepened, “you mean you don’t know where we’re going?”

“You didn’t when you came here, how is this different?”

Haru blew air out of his nose, indignant, but making no other comment.

Stuffing his hands in his jacket pockets, Rin’s eyes swept across the list of countries and provinces of Japan that would be flying within the next two hours. 

Seeing nothing that caught his eyes the redhead let his gaze fall, frustrated with himself.

“Come with me,” Rin grumbled, grabbing Haru by the wrist and dragging him to the nearest check-in counter.

“Hey, what are yo-“ Haru began before silencing himself.

Feeling Rin’s hand on his wrist brought back strange feelings for the dark haired recluse, ones that he didn’t even want to think of.

Lightly shrugging the man off, Haruka followed behind, trying his best to pretend he didn’t see the hurt expression that Rin had on his face.

“Two tickets to the earliest flight departing today!” Rin grinned, not letting the small past action lull him into a mild depression.

This was supposed to be an adventure, after all.

Whether Haru liked it or not.

The hostess looked at the redhead with amusement, her dyed blonde hair curled around her finger as she glanced at her computer screen.

“We have a flight that is leaving in thirty minutes, you can make it if you run.”

A splash of adrenaline exploded in Rin’s chest as he was affronted with what sounded almost like a challenge.

“Where is it?”

The woman looked dubious.

“Osaka.”

The redhead’s eyebrows furrow. “Osaka?”

“Osaka.” The blonde repeated, a smile appearing on her face.

“Osaka it is then! May as well start out small! I’ll take two tickets!”

Though it was still in the small country of Japan, Osaka was nothing to sneeze at. There were many fine sights to see, Rin had never been there before, so why not?

Haru peered over the redhead’s shoulder. “Really? Osaka?”

“It’s not like you had any preference.” Rin snapped, rifling through his wallet for his credit card.

The other huffed, “fair enough.”

“Thank you for flying with us, I hope you have a wonderful trip!” The woman smiled at the two of them, handing Rin the tickets.

“Thanks! You too!” The redhead called, not realising the impossibility of that come back.

Haru did however, and wanted to call Rin an idiot.

“Come on Haru! Get your ass moving, we have a plane to catch!”

Haruka sighed.

It seemed he would have to undergo some more running.

“Rin, I don’t have a passport…”

The redhead smiled deviously.

“Well, you see…”

The Olympic swimmer sheepishly held up a small, navy blue manual like object. “I kind of… came across this, at some point… After we came back from Australia.”

“You stole it?”

“No, I wouldn’t say that.”

“Whatever, I don’t care.”

Haru’s stand off-ish replies were similar to his usual ways of speaking. And yet, ever since Makoto left his side, Rin just didn’t think they were the same.

Haruka’s rare, strange sense of humour had dwindled into nothing as he spoke every word as if it was difficult.

He only said anything when needed, he never smiled.

The redhead swallowed down any comments he had about Haruka for now, knowing that if he said anything now. It could drive the recluse himself all the way back to that cold, dark house of his.

“Come on, the terminal’s over there.”

“Are you excited, Haru?”

“…”

“Tch,” Rin gazed out of his tiny window on the left of him. The plane easily being one of the biggest he’d been on.

So what if it was just Osaka?

The redhead always believed things happened for a reason, so why not this?

Who knows what could happen there, hell, maybe Rin would even manage to get Haruka to crack a smile.

He looked at his companion now, Haruka’s black hair hiding most of his face. Rin realises that it was a fraction longer than it had been a few years ago, the ebony locks just gathering slightly at the nape of his neck.

He notices a rather ragged green scarf wrapped around him next and eyes it with rather suspicious intentions.

“It’s like a million degrees in here, Haru, why are you wearing a scarf?”

Haru looks up at that, his hands defensively drawing the piece of material closer.

“No reason…”

Rin sighed and returned his gaze on the window, not quite satisfied with the response.

He knew that the article of clothing was important to him, just by the way Haru had acted just now.

So why did Haru not tell him about it?

The Olympian could guess that it had held some kind of significance to Makoto, it was only logical to think that way.

Rin just hoped that one day Haru would tell him about it.

Chapter Text

Haruka can only slightly recall the instances of when he and Makoto first met.

It was one of those moments in life that shaped the raven haired boy into the man he was today and yet it started off so, so small.

So small in fact, that Haru himself barely noticed it.

He had been about five years old the afternoon he met his best friend. He had been waiting for somebody to pick him up from school.

It had been an hour and no one had arrived.

Not that this was anything unusual really, Haru usually found his way home himself.

Either that or his grandmother walked him there and back.

But today, for some reason, he really had thought his parents would show.

He wasn’t sure why, exactly. They hadn’t any other time…

There was just a strange feeling in his chest telling him something, something that he couldn’t explain.

A small Haruka Nanase sat down on top of a picnic table, his little legs barely able to reach the seat without falling.

Success, he didn’t teeter at all this time.

So with all the determination in the world, Haru sat there, perched on the wooden table with his shoelaces dangling like vines elevated from above.

He planted his feet on the wooden planks, his hands tangled in his soft black hair as he waited for a little while longer. Because for some reason, it felt like it was important that he did so.

He waited until the sky grew orange and the wind in the old playground picked up so much that it blew leaves into the boy’s face.

Nothing.

Trying his best not to let the bitter taste of disappointment seep into his very bones. The young raven put on a brave face.

He should have expected such a thing by now-

Hauling his tiny body off the bench he had planted himself on to, Haruka prepares himself for the long, dark, lonely, journey home…

That is…

Until he hears a voice.

Not an adult voice, no. One of a child.

Someone his age.

But who at this hour would be at a park? Didn’t they have families to have dinner with? To spend time with?  

Haru frowns.

Maybe they’re like him.

Maybe they don’t really feel wanted even when they’re with their family.

“E-excuse me!”

Haruka turns his head, looking at the advancing figure with mild interest.

Were they talking to him?

Scanning the playground, Haru doesn’t see anyone else around.

The small brunet haired boy sprinted towards his direction, a flustered look on his rather tanned face.

Haruka goes silent, wondering just what the boy wanted from him.

He’d never seen him before, so what in the world was going on?

“Uh- M-my, house is other there!” The brunet haired boy points, gesturing to the two-storey brick house not fifty metres from the park. “I saw you from the window just sitting there, I thought you were lonely! So I came here to play.”

Haruka regarded the boy with a strange look. But doesn’t say anything.

The stranger hold his hand out to him, smiling as he panted from slight exertion from the run he had just undertaken.

“I’m Makoto!”  

Haru doesn’t realise he’s drifted off into unconsciousness until he hears the sound of someone speaking over an intercom.

Where was he again?

Blue eyes flutter open and he’s assaulted with the strange, grey plastic from a back of a seat.

Surrounded by strangers.

Haruka feels his heart race in confusion. His disorientated waking making him panic just the slightest bit.

That is until he realises.

Oh.

That’s right.

A plane.

Rin.

The lethargy of not sleeping at all finally caught up to the man and he had slept like a rock as soon as he sat down. That must have been it.

When had it been the last time Haru had run like that?

It had to be before-

Well, before Makoto…

Why was he doing this again?

Haru was still uncertain about that himself, he had no idea why his feet moved before his mind did. He didn’t know why he didn’t brush off this odd proposal.

Hell, he didn’t even know if it was the right thing to do.

But there just seemed to be something pushing him into this...

Someone pushing him into this.

Haru wonders just who compelled him more; Rin, with his brash, confident words. Or Makoto, giving him the slightest shove onto this ‘adventure’ with his spirit that seemed to lurk here indefinitely.

A slight mix of both was probably most likely.

Haruka looked to the left at the redhead beside him, who seemed to be gazing off into space. He must have been like that ever since Haruka fell asleep beside him. With that faraway expression that was so different from his usual facial scale.

It was almost strange seeing him like that… His red eyes glittering with thought for God knows what.

He looked peaceful.

So different from his usual personality.

 “We will be landing in Osaka in fifteen minutes,” A flight attendant chirped, her voice carrying throughout the plane without so much as a change of pitch in her voice.

Osaka.

Haruka can’t help but let a little bit of guilt twist in his gut from the way he treated Rin earlier.

He’d been so cold… So rude.

When Rin was obviously trying to do something good for him…

And yet, Haruka couldn't just turn off his usual behaviour. This was who he was now.

If the redhead couldn't handle that-well, he would have to deal with it.

Serves him right for-

For what?

Not talking to him for three years?

That’s more Haru’s fault if anything.

He’d completely cut off anyone from his previous life, he’d alienated himself in that house because he knew it would be better that way.

Haruka still believes that that is the better way.

But if Rin went out of his way to bother him into a trip around the world…

Well, Haru didn’t care.

The redhead could do whatever he wanted.

And he’d play along.

Rin felt himself sigh in resignation.

Was he doing the right thing here?

Was this really going to help at all?

Or would this just make Haruka even worse?

The redhead’s insides twisted uncomfortably at the thought.

Could he even get worse?

It had been three years, for God’s sake, and Haru still looked the same as he did on the day of Makoto’s funeral.

He still had those grieving, sad eyes of his…

No.

He couldn’t keep thinking like this.

He had to remain positive. He had to try. He had to do this for Makoto. He had to do this for Haru.

He had to do this for everyone around him.

This entire situation was ridiculous but that just might be why it worked in the end.

With a tumbling resolve such as this, Rin wasn’t quite sure how this would end up. The redhead wondered if he might fall apart too in this mess.

But in a way, it was bound to happen.

Haruka Nanase had had some serious shit happen in his life.

But he certainly wasn’t the only one.

In the end of it all, however. That could have been what pushed Rin on this plane, finally giving him a shove to stop freaking out and gain enough courage to drag Haru out of the deep, dark abyss that he’d built around himself.

“Rin.” He heard a voice by his side and nearly jumped.

Haruka must have woken up.

The Olympian wondered just how long he’d been awake without Rin noticing…

He’d always been a sneaky, quiet little bastard.

Rin scowled.

The redhead looked to the man now, setting his eyes on the same man he shared a relay with all those years ago. He looked a lot less tired now but the dark circles under his eyes never seemed to fade away whatsoever.

Haru looks at his hands, a deeper frown spreading across his face.

“I’m sorry…”

Rin’s eyes widened in surprise.

“What for?” He breathed out.

Haruka looks at the redhead then, a confused air spreading about him as if it was obvious. “For being rude before. I don’t really remember how to talk to anyone anymore.”

The redhead’s heart breaks and his once hardened expression softens the slightest bit. “Its fine, Haru, I threw all of this at you at such short notice… I understand.”

Haruka didn’t give the redhead that little smile he used to back in high school after stuff like this happened.

Instead he nods, inaudibly, turning back to face straight forward.

Sighing inwardly as he too returns to his original position. Rin reaffirms that this was a good idea. That picture in his head of Haru smiling just now…

The redhead sets that as his goal.

He wants to see Haruka smile again.

It didn’t even have to be a big, bright one. God knows Rin would think Haru had been possessed by some kind of demon if he actually did that.

Just the slightest upward curve of the lips…

That would do for now.

Even if he had to take the stubborn man across the world, dragging him by the arm, making him see the most beautiful sights of the world-

He’d see it again.

Rin promised himself he would.

Chapter Text

The day Haruka and Makoto moved in together was the day that Haru’s parents stopped talking to him. Completely.

They hadn’t been overly close with him anyway, but it still stung a little when he no longer received the usual, cold, monthly calls to his cell phone. Asking him clinically about how he was doing in his studies, pressuring him to do more, try harder, work longer…

But now there was nothing but radio silence.

And for Haru, that was worse than any yelling could ever do.

Haruka knew they’d never be okay with his and Makoto’s relationship. He knew and yet he secretly wished that they would accept him for the person who he was and not for the gender that he preferred.

Haruka knew it was pathetic but it didn’t really matter anymore, did it?

He didn’t regret this at all.

The old one bedroom house the pair scraped up enough money to buy was in the outskirts of the city of Tokyo, just off from the hustle and bustle.

It seemed absolutely perfect. From the dark wooden panelling to the western looking fireplace, it was their home.

It was a place they owned together.

That thought alone distracted Haru from the hurt of rejection, and brought a small smile to his face.

Time would heal his wounds, they always did.

“We might even be able to save up for a pool.” Makoto spoke to him as he gazed out the window, looking onto the small space of backyard that they now owned together.

Haruka glanced up from the mountain of moving boxes that seemed to just grow bigger with every trip outside. His blue eyes glimmered with excitement. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, I’ve got some spare time after graduating… It might be good for me to take up a few extra hours at the swim school.” The brunet smiled at his companion.

Even before Makoto earned his degree in teaching, he’d been working at the local pool. Teaching kids how to swim, just like he had back in high school.

It was demanding but Makoto just couldn’t help but love every moment of it.

As for his other job at the coffee shop down the road...

Well, it could be worse.

Haru frowned the moment the words left Makoto’s mouth, not pleased that the brunet would just volunteer himself for extra labour so easily.

Haruka would be the one using the pool the most, anyway. Shouldn’t he be the one working for it?

 “I want to help too.” Haru chimed in, crossing his arms over his hips lightly.

Makoto turned to Haruka then, his head tilting slightly to the side. “But Haru, you have to train for the Olympics, they’re coming up sooner than you think.”  

“I can do something.”

“You’re already working hard enough.”

“And you’re not?” Haruka challenged brushing his clothes off and standing up from his position on the floor.

Makoto looked at him in surprise. “Haru, i-“

“You don’t need to work so hard, Makoto.”

The brunet was already working two jobs; the shifts had begun to overlap each other and Makoto was only at home free on Saturdays to begin with.

“I’ll start accepting some of the sponsor offers.” Haru said shortly, leaving no room for discussion.

“You don’t need to-“
Haru sighed, walking towards the other with impatience.

“I do need to, and I want to.”

“Haru-“

Makoto was silenced by the other’s lips.

“Oi, Haru, country or city?”

Haruka was snapped out of his daze by Rin’s sharp voice. “What?”

“Country or city?”

Haruka looked at the redhead, expressionless. “…Country.”

“Thought so.” The Olympian grinned, hauling a suitcase behind himself. “Tokyo is enough city for a lifetime.”

Haru didn’t say anything in response and just followed the redhead, dawdling behind him tiredly.

“Because of your brilliant conversation skills, I’m just gonna assume you want to know what I’m planning that we do in the wonderful prefecture of Osaka.”

Silence.

Rin smirked, “riveting answer, really.”

Haruka pouted at him before looking to the side.

“We’re going to hire a car here and drive around the rural areas of Osaka, look at some pretty scenery, shrines, shit like that and then we come back here and we’re off again.”

“I thought you said this trip was spontaneous.” Shot back Haru, his arms crossed.

“It is… It’s just… Planned spontaneous.”

“That’s an oxymoron.” Haru deadpanned, looking at Rin in exasperation.

“You’re an oxymoron.”

The black haired recluse looked at his old team mate.

“I see your insults still haven’t gotten better.” Haruka sighed, moving in front of Rin to where he assumed they would be going.

“Shut up…” Rin grumbled from behind, rushing to keep up with the luggage-less hermit.

“Buckle up Haru, it’s time for an adventure!”

“We’re still in the hire-car dealership, Rin.” Haruka deadpanned.

The redhead scowled. “Fuck off, let’s do this!”

Haruka made no noise of complete and soon enough, Rin heard the familiar ‘click’ of a seat belt.

“I didn’t even know you could drive.” Haruka muttered under his breath the moment Rin started the engine.

“Pssh, there’s a lot of thing you don’t know about me.” Rin replied before he could stop himself.

God, he sounded like an idiot.

The passenger kept silent instead of retorting; opting to look out the window.

The redhead cringed at his own wording before he opened his mouth once more to speak again.

“Haru… Why did you decide to come on this trip?”

‘Well that wasn’t much better, was it?’ Rin wanted to slap himself.

What if that was the question that made Haru realise he didn’t even want to be here in the first place?

What if Haru just told Rin to pull over so he could leave?

Was he thinking too far into this? Probably.

Would he ever stop doing such a thing? Not very likely.

Even still the redhead watched in curiosity as Haruka turned his head upwards to look him.

Haru swore he’d answered that question before…

But then again, he hadn’t really given Rin a good enough answer…

Ah, if only he knew himself.

Haruka wanted to reply to the redhead, he really did. But if he said anything now, all that would come out would be pure lies.

And yet…

Rin’s voice was quiet, soft. Not at all like his usual tone.

The redhead was so curious as to why he agreed.

Haru had to think of something; even half a truth would be okay for now.

Right?

“I-“ He began, opening his mouth and praying that he didn’t say anything too stupid.

A phone brought Haruka’s rare strings of words to an untimely end, however, and his sentence died in his mouth.

The irritable beeping noise coming out of Haruka’s pocket were to blame and Rin wanted to hit that thing with a hammer.

He had nearly gotten an answer out of him.

So close…

‘Curse you, technology…’ Rin all but growled in his head.

Haru fished the accursed device out of his baggy jacket, opting to get it to stop sounding its shrill cry by pressing ‘answer.’

“Hello?” He spoke, his tone neutral.

“Haruka, where are you?” The voice on the end spoke.

Haru felt himself go cold.

“Father.”

Rin looked at him then, noticing the change in his voice.

The redhead swore he had been making some progress on the guy these past few hours. Haru had been speaking, at least. Trying his best to answer whenever Rin said something…

But the moment that his companion had picked up the phone.

All of it was gone.

He was back to being as robotic as he was the moment he had opened his door to find Rin waiting there. Almost as if Haru had just remembered everything that had happened to him with one small reminder.

Rin didn’t know much about Haruka’s parents.

He knew they were very different from his own, and he knew that they didn’t talk to him after Haruka and Makoto had gotten together.

He knew that they were never around.

He knew they were as cold as ice.

And yet, he’d never seen their faces before.

Rin liked to imagine them having stern, cruel faces with tell-tale signs of wrinkles around their mouths from frowning all the time.

The redhead always wondered how far away from the truth he was.

Haruka gripped onto the phone tighter as the Olympian strained to hear the conversation on the other end.

He knew it was rude, but there had to be some reason that it caused such a bad reaction on Haruka.

Maybe it had something to do with why Haruka had decided to join him on this trip?

“I made you aware of this appointment with Shizuka-San, one week before. We have been waiting here for an hour.”

Haru remained silent as Rin watched the gears in his head turn.

“I’m sorry, father, I felt under the weather this morning and didn’t want to catch cold.”

The overly formal tone that Haru held with his father was unsettling. Rin shifted uncomfortably behind the wheel.

Despite the almost bountiful amount of words spilling from Haru’s lips…

It didn’t feel right.

It didn’t feel like Haruka was saying any of it.

“This is a very important meeting, Haruka, how are you going to make a good impression on your future father-in-law if you don’t even show up.”

Rin felt his hands grip tighter onto the wheel, gritting his teeth.

“I apologise.”

“Apology or not, you have to get here at once. You can’t keep mourning over that boy in that dark old house forever.”

Haru kept a neutral expression but the redhead could see at the corner of his eyes that his lips were curled ever so slightly into a snarl.

But in the end, he didn’t say anything biting at all.

“Please tell Shizuka-San and his daughter to forgive me.”

“Come here and tell him yourself.” Rin could hear Haruka’s father’s voice raise slightly.

Haru, right beside him cringed.

“I…” The recluse began, closing his eyes. He had to say it, he had to say it.

“I can’t.” Was all he managed to get out, before pressing ‘end call’ on his phone.

And even then, that was quite the amazing feat in itself.

Even after Makoto’s death. Even after the numbness shook him into a shell of the person he used to be. Even after he was positive there wasn’t anything in this world that could make him feel emotions…

He always feared his father.

His voice, his demeanour, the way he spoke to Haruka. He demanded respect in everything that he did, even if he didn’t have the right to do so.

Hanging up the phone on him just then… It had to have been one of the first times that Haruka’s had defied the man intentionally.

Sure, there had been announcing his relationship with Makoto, sure there had been running off with the brunet himself.

But this time…

It felt different somehow.

And Haru had no idea why.

Chapter Text

Rin knew he didn’t think of Haruka as just his friend the moment he turned seventeen.

The redhead tried to convince himself that this was just because he saw Haru as the face of his greatest rival, of the greatest competition Rin could face here in Japan.

If he beat him, he’d be free. He’d be free from the chains that bound him to the wall that he’d brutally hit all those years ago.

And yet, time and time again he lost faith in that ideal.

By the end of his third year in high school.

He had come to terms with it.

Rin didn’t only think of Haruka as his rival anymore. He wasn’t the distant childhood friend, he wasn’t the amazing swimmer he admired.

He was all of that and something else entirely.

Haruka Nanase was a whole range of difference that Rin couldn’t even begin to figure out.

And yet, the redhead knew he was in love with him.

He was in love with every inch of his soul, of his body. Every intricate detail that irritated him, motivated him, hurt him and lit him on fire with passion.

No, he wasn’t in love with the idea of being with him. In fact, the thought made his chest hurt just the slightest bit.

This love was a web that twisted Rin deeper into the depths of his mind. It suffocated him but made him feel like he could breathe freely at the same time.

All these feelings; they were hard to contain.

It was strange how long he’d been able to keep such things in.

How long he’d been able to keep his mouth shut, how long he’d been able to tear his own crimson eyes away from the swimmer’s lips before he noticed.

It killed him every day not to be able to kiss Haruka. It sent pangs down his spine every time he couldn’t wrap his arms around him, so tightly, so reassuringly-

And yet, he was content.

The redhead was calm; he was okay with this mended friendship that the two had rebuilt together.

At least Rin thought he was.

As soon as Haruka left for Tokyo and Rin for Australia. The redhead knew it wouldn’t be too long until he lost a part of who he was because of this.

He needed to tell Haru how he felt.

He needed to oh so desperately.

Even if Haruka didn’t return these jumbled up feelings, even if Haruka hated him afterwards.

It was his right to know of such things. Of such detailed thoughts…

But no, this couldn’t be done from a distance.

Haruka had to know every feeling Rin held for him for so many years, from the very bottom of the redhead’s heart.

He needed to know he was serious.

Haruka needed to see the earnest glimmer in the man’s scarlet eyes. He needed to show him.

So with a thumping heart and a hollow suitcase; not even three weeks into his stay in Australia, not even a month after his high school graduation.

Rin boarded a plane to Tokyo.

To Haru.

The redhead fought off the jetlag that he had just gotten over a matter of weeks ago once more and was really starting regret his decision around late noon.

But no, his resolve couldn’t fade now.

He had to do this.

For himself, for Haruka.

For the future that surrounded them. They would be team mates together; they would swim for their country, as well as their friends.

This needed to happen.

Boarding a train to a small Tokyo University where Rin knew Haru’s house was near. He heaved an icy cold breath that could only be summed up to an awful cocktail of nerves and anticipation.

Rin’s hand grazed the front door to Haru’s house, his fingers gently caressing the entrance; like he was taming it not to bite at him.

Draining his anxieties out of his body in one fell swoop of the mind, Rin hit against the door without anything to lose.

“Haru, open up!”
The aspiring Olympian could only pray that Haruka was actually there. It was nearing seven at night so there would be no reason for him to be out. Rin figured that he would just be in here, without a doubt.

Especially Haru being Haru.

He was probably in some kind of body of water.

Rin sighed, hoping that the man was at least keeping up with his training before the two of them tried out for the national team.

A creak of the door before him makes the redhead look up from his reverie.

“Haru- I.”

Who he sees isn’t Haruka.

“Makoto?”

“Rin!”

The brunet haired boy beamed at the other in front of him. “I thought you were in Australia!”
“I did but I- I uh need to talk with Haru.” Rin sputtered out, confusion clouding his thoughts.

Just why was Makoto here this late?

Not that it was particularly late at all…

Yet the redhead couldn’t help but feel a little unease about the whole situation.

Rin scowled at himself for getting jealous over something he didn’t even have a right to be jealous over.

“Ah, that’s great timing, really, Haru said he wanted to tell you something too.”

Rin’s heart swelled in hopefulness he knew he should crush.

“Really?”

And yet he couldn’t do it to himself.

He had to hope; it was the only thing pushing him through that door.

“Haru!” Makoto called from the small apartment, “Rin’s here.” The brunet gave the other another smile as he motioned for Rin to come inside.

“Of course this place has a bath.” Rin commented, gazing at the bathroom to the right.

Makoto laughed, “Well, you know Haru.”

The redhead made a noise of agreement and moved further into the tiny housing facility.

“Hey,” Rin heard a voice to his far left and nearly jumped out of his skin.

Was he really that nervous?

Well, of course he was.

Turning to the sound of a familiar voice, Rin sets his eyes on Haru. The other staring at him in curiosity. “Hi.” The redhead greeted shakily, passing off the awkwardness as something made up of nerves.
Makoto looked at the pair of them, sensing the situation. “I should probably go now, anyway, I’ll catch up with you later, Rin. Bye Haru.”

Haruka looks at the departing brunet, once again grateful for his ability to practically read Haruka’s mind.

“What are you doing here, Rin?” Haruka asked, tilting his head to the side slightly in confusion.

The redhead flushes, panicked by the sudden question. “I-I’ve got to tell you something.”

Haruka’s blue eyes widened in thought. “That’s strange. I’ve got to tell you something, too.”

‘So Makoto wasn’t just making all of that up…’

Not wanting to miss out on the information Haruka could have given him if his proposal went sour, Rin felt his hand gesture to the freestyle swimmer. “You go first.”

Haru nodded in understanding, “okay.”

Rin could feel his heart beating out of his chest, just what was going to happen?

Was Haru going to confess to him?

Oh, but what a dream that would be…

“Makoto thought we should tell you together but I told him it would be easier if I just told you.” Haruka began, meeting the other’s crimson gaze.

Rin nodded, his chest feeling far too tight.

The redhead wished he’d gone first, it felt like he was going to burst from the exertion.

It sounded so easy…

‘Just say it… ‘I’m in love with you Haru’, say it! Say it!’

Rin held his tongue for now. Waiting for Haruka to speak.

The raven frowned at the redhead, at his strange expression but pressed onwards with his declaration.

He had to tell everyone at some point, right?

“Makoto and I are dating.”

Rin feels something inside of him break. He feels the air escape him and his legs crumble to ash. His mind is screaming and at the same time completely silent.

‘Makoto and Haru… they’re dating.’

‘They’re probably in love…’

‘Haru probably never thought of me as anything other than a friend.’

‘He would have never liked me that way….’

Cruel flashes his mind brought him sent the redhead into a never ending spiring; sinking down into the lower depths of himself.

He couldn’t breathe for an entirely different reason now.

“Rin?” He heard Haru speak at him, his voice waiting for a physical reaction.

“You and Makoto…” The redhead gasps, trying to fill his lungs with air once more.

A silence fills the air as Haruka nods at Rin. Not seeing that the inside of the redhead was crashing and burning.

“Con-congratulations.” Rin chokes out somehow, his mouth moving robotically now.

Haru brushes of the words; his face clouding with concern.

“Now, what were you going to tell me?” The black haired man asks, adding insult to injury.

Rin gulps. “Oh- it was- it was nothing.”

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

“Rin? Are you okay?” Haru raises his eyebrows, looking at his friend in worry.

‘His friend.’

They would be nothing more than that.

“I’m fine, I-I need to go.” Rin sputters, trying to will the tears away for one more minute.

“Rin-“Haru starts, but he’s too late.

The redhead runs out of the complex without another word. Tears streaming freely down his cheeks, he races out into the cool Tokyo sunset without looking back to see if anyone’s following him.

Chapter Text

It was an hour later that Makoto arrived back at Haru’s apartment.

Being the rather observant person himself, he could clearly see that Rin and Haruka had needed to discuss some things alone and that the brunet would only get in the way.

He tried not to feel the slightest bit dejected, but soon realised it was inevitable.

The redhead and Haru’s friendship had always been rather strange. It was always all or nothing; no emotions or everything at once in a giant cacophony of feelings.

Makoto didn’t know how the two coped with each other; being nearly complete opposites. Sure they bickered, but at least they hadn’t tried to kill one another yet.

Nevertheless, Makoto knew it wasn’t his business and left them to their own devices. Opting to pick up some groceries instead.

Haru did say it would be easier to tell Rin by himself, anyway.

Whether Makoto agreed or not; once Haru had his mind set on something. There was absolutely no stopping him.

“So how did telling Rin go?” Makoto called as he opened the door to Haru’s apartment. His spare keys jingled eerily, the noise being the only sound in the room.

No answer.

Lately, the brunet had been spending most of his time here. Studying, chatting or just hanging out with Haruka- There was no real reason for him to stay at his own apartment anymore, really.

“Haru?” Makoto repeated, straining his ears to hear an answer.

The brunet frowned when faced with pure silence yet again. Though Haruka was usually quite mute, he always did reply to him when he absolutely needed to.

Gazing about the room in curiosity, Makoto soon realised how uneasy this entire place felt.

There was usually at least one light on in the apartment.

But now…

It was pitch black.

‘Maybe he went to bed?’ Makoto thought, peaking in on the bedroom to find It completely empty.

Makoto looked to his watch, his eyebrows furrowing.

It was only eight o’clock. Of course he wasn’t sleeping.

“Haru?” The brunet called louder, his footsteps echoing in the hallway. His bare feet feeling cold against the wooden planks.

“…I’m in here.” Came a soft voice.

Makoto jumped out of his skin, never to be one favouring dark, scary, possibly ghost infested places.

Makoto looked towards the voice and nearly hit himself.

Of course, he was taking a bath.

But still…

Something seemed wrong.

Sure, Haru was quiet. But this just seemed different in a way that Makoto could only assume was a bad thing.

 Opening the door to the small room, the brunet casually peaked in. Extremely accustomed to the action.

He’d been doing it nearly every morning for the past- well, forever.

“Haru?” He called for the umpteenth time.

Haruka chanced a look his way, his legs tucked up to his chest in that old bathtub of his. Makoto remembered Haru telling him that the bath wasn’t as good as his one at his grandmother’s house, but it would suffice.

As long as it was a body of water, it didn’t matter.

Makoto nearly grinned at the thought before realising it might be inappropriate to towards the current matter. He caught himself and took a deep breath.

After all, Haruka certainly didn’t seem ‘ok’, per see.

“It’s pitch black out there, why did you turn off all the lights?”

Makoto could have sworn he had turned one on before he left…

“I was thinking…” Haru mumbled, looking at his knees.

“What happened with you and Rin?” Makoto asked immediately, not liking the apparent ‘turn for the worse’ that may currently be happening.

Haruka clenched his arms around his knees.

Watching his reaction, the brunet swallowed.

“What did he say? Was he not oka-“

“No, he was fine with us but- it was… weird.”
 Makoto felt his cautious smile, drop down slightly. “How so?”

“After I told him, he had this strange expression… And even weirder; he didn’t tell me what he said he wanted to tell me.”

Makoto hummed, urging Haru to continue speaking.

“And then he smiled really shakily, like he was trying to keep something from me… and then he told me he had to go. I tried to tell him to stop, but he just ran out of the door.”

Makoto’s eyes widened, “Was he crying?”

Haru’s expression turned clouded as he thought back on the events. “Yeah… I think he was.”

“Oh.”

Realisation hit Makoto like a pile of bricks.

“What?” Haruka asked, his black hair dripping with water. Blue eyes locked with green as Haruka tried to read the other’s thoughts.

No luck.

Haru frowned.

“Did- did he say where he was going?”

“No…” Haru answered, “Why?”
“You stay here, I’m going to try and find him.”
“Shouldn’t I come too, I must have been the one that upset him.”

“No, its fine, I just need to make sure that this is what I’m thinking it is before you do that.”

Usually Makoto wouldn’t be so persistent, which Haruka found rather odd. And yet, it wasn’t as if he knew what to say to Rin at the moment anyway. It wasn’t as if the redhead had acted badly, he hadn’t yelled or insulted Haru and Makoto. He’d just looked so… disappointed?

But why?
Haru sighed, if anyone could talk to people in difficult situations, it was definitely Makoto.

The brunet would definitely work this out.

“Okay.” Haruka relented, sinking deeper into the tub to process more of his thoughts.

“So… you’re getting married, huh?” Rin asked casually, his grip on the steering wheel growing firmer every second a tense moment of silence passed. Haruka hadn’t said a word since he had hung up the phone on his father.

Haru doesn’t answer the question for another few times of quiet, he thinks on his answer. He contemplates the right way to approach such a subject.

“I suppose so.”

Because in reality, everything he left behind would be waiting for him the moment he got back, Haru would be faced with the same problems first hand and wouldn’t have the distance to fall back on.

Maybe that was why he agreed to the trip.

Either way, Haruka still wasn’t all that sure.

The redhead beside him clicked his tongue in distaste, trying his best not to sound awfully jealous. “Is she nice?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t met her.” Haru replied defensively, almost as if he was saying that ‘no matter how nice she was, she still wouldn’t be anywhere close to Makoto.’

“You agreed to marry her without even meeting her?” Rin asks, incredulous.

“It wasn’t as if I had a choice.” The other mumbled.

“Of course you have a choice!” His companion fired back. “Just tell your parents, ‘no.’”

“You don’t understand, Rin, I can’t do that.”

The redhead knew he should stop pressing.

He knew.

And yet…

“Maybe I don’t understand your whole situation, Haru, but if you don’t stand up to them now. They are going to walk all over you your entire life.”

“I don’t care.” Haru snapped coldly, turning to the side of the window and looking out. “They can do whatever they want to me.”

Rin stopped the car, the breaks squealing from the sudden friction. The redhead pulled over in a space beside the road with a quick precision Haru didn’t even know the redhead had outside of the water.

Rin looked him in the eyes, the scarlet pupils boring into his very soul.

Haruka swallowed, gazing under the intensity.

He didn’t feel intimidated, only curious.  

“You can’t let people treat you that way, Haru, even if they are your parents.”

The black haired recluse couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away. They were transfixed on the redhead’s face, on his words. On his biting tongue.

Haruka knew Rin was right, deep in his heart.

And yet there was just something in his chest that wanted to fight back. Wanted to disagree.

It must have been the defiance he hadn’t been able to show his parents all of this time.

“You don’t have any right to talk like that to me, you haven’t even spoken to me in three years.” Haru bites back, cringing at the notable venom in his words.

Rin’s burning hot stare turns into one much mellower. The fire in his crimson eyes dull to an ember and Haru can see all of the guilt in his eyes.

And soon, that guilt pools in Haruka’s own chest too.

“I’m sorry, Haru…” Rin sighs, looking at his feet. “If I had of known…”

“…It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault.” Haru returned, looking down at himself in shame.

What was he doing?

Putting all of his problems on Rin?

Haru was disgusted in himself.

It was the same self-deprecating thoughts he always had washing around his head. Constant and hurtful.

Except this time; Haru just couldn’t seem to numb himself to it.

It was strange how he felt some lingering pieces of emotion struggling to break through the invisible barrier he had built himself. It was strange how at this precise moment it was slowly crumbling.

It was strange how Rin was the one to do so.

But then again, was it really all that odd?

Chapter Text

Rin never knew it would turn out like this.

The two brunets stared at the door to the bedroom with varying expressions of deep worry and disdain.

Sousuke folded his arms, staring at the wooden door adamantly. “He just shut himself up in there and hasn’t been out since. Just what the hell did Nanase say to him?”

Makoto frowned, fearing his greatest suspicions may be completely correct.

“Maybe if I talk to him he’ll feel better.” Makoto interjects, a furrow in his brow.

Sousuke throws his hands lightly in the air. “You can try, but I’m not really sure what he’s going to do. It would be better if I knew why…”

Makoto catches the implication in his friend’s voice and sighs.

“I think it would be better if Rin just told you. I’m not even sure if I’m right yet.”

Sousuke’s frown deepens, but he obliges. Stepping back into his tiny kitchen to give the pair some semblance of space in his tiny apartment.

Makoto takes a deep breath and knocks lightly on the door. His knuckles wrapping gently against it, just loudly enough to make sure that the redhead undoubtedly inside the room could hear.

“Rin?” He calls before granting himself entrance. Knowing there would be no way Rin would want him here.

It’s dark in the room, nearly pitch black. The blinds are drawn and Makoto’s eyes try to adjust to the darkness everywhere. He blinks several times, stepping about softly into the room so he can see a bit more.

Makoto waits a moment and then he sees him.

A slightly shadowed figure in the corner.

He hears sniffles and Makoto’s heart clenches with guilt.

Maybe he was right…

God, he hated being right sometimes…

It’s silent otherwise, until he hears a voice.

The man steps further in.

“Why are you here Makoto? Go away...” Rin shakily says, his figure curling in on himself a little bit more.

Makoto feel his chest tighten as he disobeys the shadow’s request. “Can I please talk to you?”

The redhead raises his head in the darkness, his bright crimson eyes glinting from tears in the black abyss like a cat’s. “Why?”

The other frowns. “I think you know why.”
Rin is silent for a moment; the only noise in the room being from the remnants of his sobs escaping the man’s mouth. “It won’t help.”

So he was right.

Makoto moves closer cautiously, like he’s approaching a frightened animal. And then sits lightly on the bed a metre away from Rin. “I have to at least try. It is sort of my fault…”

Makoto manages a sad smile at Rin, trying to coax him into speaking.

There’s quiet in the room and the brunet could feel Rin’s frown grow.

And then. Rin finally speaks. His voice still rather shaky.

 “Did you tell Sousuke?”

“No.”

The redhead sighs, wiping at his eyes furiously before looking back at Makoto. “Fine, what is it?”

“I’m sorry.” Makoto blurts out. “I didn’t know that you thought of Haru that wa-“

“Don’t say it.” Rin cringed, trying to block out what had been going on in his mind for the last matter of hours. “Just… don’t.”

“If I had of known that you liked Haru, we could’ve-“

“No we couldn’t have.” Rin interrupts miserably. “Haru made his decision. He chose you.”

Shifting over so that the redhead put all of his weight on the wall beside him, Rin sniffled once more. “And I just have to get used to that.”

“Rin…”

“No, Makoto, it’s fine, I’ll get over this. You love him and he loves you back… Those two things have to go together otherwise… It’s useless.” Standing up on shaky legs, Rin looked at the brunet straight in the eye. “Haru and you… You guys have always been together, I get it. You were around since, well, forever. While I was fucking up, while I was being a miserable prick in our second year of high school, you were there for him. It’s no wonder that you two ended up together…” Rin laughs, a cold, echoing laugh that sends chills down Makoto’s spine. “I’m such an idiot for not figuring it out before.”

“Rin-“

“Just-“The redhead squeezes his eyes shut, praying with all of the hope in the world that maybe, just maybe this was all a terrible dream. “Take care of him- never hurt him, Makoto I know you, you’re the kindest, loveliest person I know. If you, for one second don’t treat Haru the way he deserves-” Rin’s voice shakes in misery, tear tracks embedding itself on to his cheeks. “Please- just, make Haru happy for me as well.”

Makoto clenches his fists, guilt flooding through his body.

He nodded.

The brunet didn’t want Rin to feel like this, he didn’t want his friend to feel this kind of pain.

And yet…

Makoto just wasn’t selfless enough to give Haru up.

In the end, though, Rin supposed.

Makoto really had given Haruka up, anyway.

“Right, Haru, I want you to put your finger on this map and close your eyes. Wherever it lands is where we go next.” Rin mutters, handing the other a map while he keeps his eyes on the road.

It’s rather impressive, actually.

The redhead takes another swig from his seemingly never ending coffee cup as he waits for Haru to take the map.

Haruka however, just raises his eyebrows. “Didn’t we just get here?”

It was true the pair had only been in rural Osaka for about a day and a half. Rin had dragged him all about, making him look upon historical sights and pretty forests. They had stopped for a while to shop for some essentials. (Which Haru had all forgotten in his rushed haze to get there on time.) Mostly some new clothes, food, annoying music CD’s that Rin insisted on buying. Declaring them ‘road-trip music worthy.’

Not that Haru didn’t try to appreciate the other’s sentiments. But his overall enthusiasm sure was odd. Perhaps it was to make up for the small spat they had had a while ago, but Haruka wasn’t quite sure.

“We saw a couple of shrines. Saw all we could here, really. It’s time for a change.”

Haru rolls his eyes just slightly, placing a dainty finger on the map. “Whatever, it’s your money.”

 “Your cheerfulness is practically exuding from every orifice of your body, Haru, really.” Rin chides sarcastically, throwing him a glance.

Haruka ignores Rin and his suddenly large vocabulary and closes his eyes. Humouring the man for once.

His finger wanders around on its own, swiping about until Haruka’s positive he’s nowhere around Japan.

Haru looks down at the map.

“Oh.”

Rin tenses in curiosity. “Where are we going next?”

“The Atlantic ocean.” Haru deadpans.

The redhead tries not to laugh. “Uh-huh, well, I think flights there are well… kind of non-existent so why don’t you-“Rin emits another smile. “Why don’t you try again?”

Haruka, mildly amused tries again. Feeling the smooth surface of the map over the palms of his hands.

“Arctic ocean?”

Rin looks over in incredulity as a ghost of a smile appears on Haruka’s face.

Out of everything, out of the sunsets, the blooming flowers, the gorgeous shrines… Rin swears it’s the best thing he’s seen on this trip so far. The redhead feels a warming to his heart and can’t help but smile himself as he waits for Haru to try again.

Not waiting for Rin to tell him what to do this time. Haruka closes his eyes one last time.

“…”

“So?” Rin asks, trying not to watch the other’s reaction for fear of getting them both in a car accident.

“Italy.”

“Italy?”

“Italy.”

Rin just shrugs his shoulders. Knowing he had no idea where to go in the first place, why not over to Europe?

 “Alright, fuck it, let’s do this!"

“You say that a lot.”

The redhead grins, his crimson eyes sparkling with amusement as he looks back at Haru for a split second.

 “It applies to many instances in my life, Haru.”

Chapter Text

Makoto doesn’t come back until much later in the night.

Haru is still awake, not being able to sleep until he heard some kind of confirmation about what was happening.

Maybe he was nosey after all…

Haruka huffed at the ridiculous notion, shaking it off with a curt breath of air.

He hears the door open and tries his best not to run and quickly find out what had conspired between Rin and he. Since Makoto had seemed far too adamant about Haru not coming, he was rather curious as to what it was that could be wrong.

Or whether the brunet could tell him in general.

That was an afterthought, however.

Instead of sprinting to the entrance, Haru just glances up from the spot on the couch where he sits, fixing a glance at a tired Makoto with his usual cool gaze. “What’s going on?”

He doesn’t even bother with a greeting.

Makoto just gives him a wary smile. “Oh, it was nothing.”
Haruka narrows his eyes, “It didn’t seem like it was nothing.”
“Oh, really? You know how Rin can get… He’s a really emotional guy-“ The brunet cringes at his own words. Knowing how it sounded as if Rin was to blame.

“I can tell when you’re lying, Makoto.”
Makoto freezes, a frown appearing on his lips.

“I know, but it’s really not my place to tell you. And Rin… Well, it’s best if you don’t talk to him for a while.”

Haruka’s heart seizes in hurt. “Is he mad at me?”

Makoto’s gaze softens as he looks at Haru, “What? No, he just….”

“He just, what?”

The brunet cringes, “Just… trust me on this, he’ll tell you if he’s ready. Until then, please just be patient. It’s going to be hard for him.”

Despite the gnawing curiosity eating at the man's insides. Haruka shakes it off for the night with a nod to Makoto. Bidding the man goodnight as he retired to the bedroom.

Makoto comes in with him later, but he pretends he’s asleep already.

After a week or so of confusion, Haru is no closer to figuring out just why Rin had run out that night. Nor why Makoto was hiding from him. Life had gotten in the way and things seemed far more complicated than ever before. The Olympics were closer than ever and he had to train harder than ever before. Rin would be fine, Haruka knew his dream wouldn’t be swayed. They’d see each other again soon.

Three years later, even after… It was at the very back of his mind.

He still didn’t know.

 But if he did, Haru was sure he’d hit himself over the head for being oh so stupid in a time of great distress for both Makoto and Rin.

Soon enough, the pair arrive back at the airport they started in. Tired and slightly dazed from the hours that they spent driving in the car together. Yet slightly refreshed from the change of scenery from the hustle and bustle.

“I’ve never been to Italy.” Rin mentions, adjusting the bag strap on his shoulder as they waited in the queue for their tickets.

Haru hums in agreement, pulling his own bag along as they moved up the line.

Rin had insisted that he had a few pairs of clothes, at least, for the trip. Haru complained that it was the redhead’s own fault for such the late notice, and told him not to bother. But low and behold, Rin had ducked out one night in search of food and came back with a bag of clothes for Haruka and some hastily purchased convenience store onigiri.

Haru was still confused as to why Rin was going to such great lengths for him.

Just what was his motive?
Haruka wasn’t entirely sure, and yet… He knew it was important to Rin.

Whether it was pity or just the will to get Haruka out of his house to see the world once more. Haru didn’t mind not knowing for now.

After all, he was sure Rin would just ask him why he agreed to the trip, in the first place. Which was a question he would rather not try to answer once more.

Not yet, not when he was still confused about everything.

All he knew was that, after a while with Rin. Haru had been sleeping better, he’d been eating better…

He’d been better in general.

Haru felt a flicker of will spark into his heart for the first time in what felt like ages, and he didn’t want it to blow away into embers quite yet.

He wanted to be with Rin a lot longer. He wanted to stay with him and feel like they used to when they were in high school.

It didn’t feel lonely when he was with Rin.

“Haru? I got our tickets.” Rin called, waving a hand in front of the man’s face in concern. “What are you thinking about?”

Haruka snaps back to reality, unfurrowing his eyebrows. “N-nothing,” he stutters out, “I’m just tired.”

Rin gives him a look, telling him he doesn’t believe him. But otherwise doesn’t say anything else.

The redhead nearly grabs the other’s hand but then thinks better of it. Last time it had happened, he’d been shrugged off.

Slightly dejected over the thought, Rin frowns. “Come on, we have a couple of hours to kill and I want to get some food before the flight. Airplane food is gross as hell.”

Rin makes a face at the thought.

Haru nods.

“Any requests?”

Haruka shakes his head.

“Not even mackerel?”

“I don’t really mind.”

Rin raises his eyebrows, “Odd, but alright.”

Rin can’t help but feel slightly unsettled by the out of character answer.

It’s only after they begin walking that he realised that it wasn’t that odd at all. Things changed, Haruka obviously had… A lot.

But still, Rin frowned again.

Haru watches the redhead’s expression and wonders if he’d said anything wrong.

He couldn’t recall saying anything wrong…

“Hey.” Haruka speaks, getting Rin’s attention. “I-“

A phone call breaks Haru’s words again and the pair look at it in irritation.

“You should probably get that.” Rin says, eyeing Haruka’s pocket. “It could be your father.”

Dread fills Haruka’s chest as he too realises that such an idea was most likely true.

Who else would call him, after all?
“I don’t want to.” Haruka whispers, almost as if he’s afraid his parents will hear the quiet rebellion from miles upon miles away.

Rin watches Haruka’s expression. As his face clouds with the same sadness. He looks at Haruka, his blue eyes filled with the words ‘please don’t make me do this.’

The redhead sighs, in resignation. He wasn’t sure if he was guilty about whisking Haruka away on this journey… It was more as if he was guilty about what would happen to the guy when he returned.

Rin didn’t want to think about it.

Haru returned his gaze, stoically thrusting his bag into Rin’s hands, phone still ringing within it.

“Take this, I’m going to the bathroom.”

Rin caught the bag in surprise, his shock blatant on his face at the sudden change of topic.

Haru doesn’t wait for a response and leaves. As if he couldn’t bear to hear the ringing any longer.

Rin eyes the still shrilling bag with a strange temptation…

‘Maybe if I explained… Maybe they’d understand, if I just told them what-‘

The redhead nodded at himself, knowing he was probably correct.

Haru would thank him for it, surely. Especially if they stopped calling afterwards.

Shrugging, as he fishes through Haruka’s bag for his phone, snorting at the clothes that still held tags within them. Rin grabs at the small electronic device that was making so much noise.

He pressed answer and took a breath.

“Haruka! How dare you hang up on your father like that, do you not have an ounce of respect within you?”

Rin cringes at the angry woman’s voice. He’d only heard it one other time, and it hadn’t exactly left a good impression.

“Haruka is far too close to that Makoto boy, it’s revolting…”

This was going to be harder than he thought.

Chapter Text

Sousuke watches Makoto leave his apartment, giving him a wary smile that only seemed to make him worry even more.

Rin still hadn’t left his room and it was getting later. The sky had turned from a dusky pink to full on night time and Sousuke still didn’t even know why the petulant redhead wasn’t in Australia, he was completely in the dark about this entire situation.

And it frustrated him to know end.

His irritation driving him to the door again. He knocked at it.

“Rin? It’s me.” The man tried to keep his voice neutral. He tried not to let anxiety for his best friend enter the small gathering of words he spoke.

But it was harder than he imagined.

Sousuke heard the redhead shuffling about and felt his chest rise in hope, nevertheless, the feeling of helplessness didn’t fully leave him yet.

He needed to know.

Maybe Makoto had convinced him to finally share what was bothering him? Maybe Rin would have the courage to tell Sousuke all about it…

It wasn’t anything like that.

Rin opens the door himself, cringing at the light from the hall. As his eyes grew more adjusted to the brightness, he looked to the floor.

He looked horrible.

Sousuke’s heart squeezed painfully within him and he had a great desire to know what had done this to him.

Rin’s eyes were red and puffy, his matching hair a mess of strands hanging in a haphazard ponytail. The redhead sniffs but doesn’t meet his best friend’s eyes.

“Rin…” Sousuke says, a lot softer this time.

“I’m fine, Sousuke, I’ll be going now.” Rin mumbles, half to himself. Like he was trying to push himself out of the door before Sousuke could ask any questions.

“You can’t go out like this.”

Rin gives a half-hearted sneer, “watch me.” He shoves past the taller man and towards the exit, stumbling almost blindly.

Sousuke’s jaw sets firmly and he grabs his friend’s arm.

“I’m your best friend Rin, you know you can tell me anything.”

Rin stiffens and finally meets Sousuke’s eyes and he sighs.

Taking a few steps back, a few stray tears that hadn’t been let out yet fell down his cheeks as his snarl quivered into a frown.

Sousuke feels a lump in his throat and before he knows what he’s doing he takes Rin in his arms.

He didn’t want to see Rin like this.

He looked so miserable.

The redhead didn’t struggle at all and buried his face in his friend’s chest. A tiny sob muffled by Sousuke’s shirt.

Sousuke’s grip on the man tightened.

Answers could wait…

He needed to be there for Rin, for now.

Haruka splashed a handful of cold water upon his face. Hoping it would awaken his senses even the slightest bit.

The sound of his phone had caused his body to go cold and stiff. It made him remember what he would have to face one day and it sent him back to reality.

He hated it.

Haru sighed, knowing he was being ridiculous. He knew this trip wouldn’t go on forever.

But everything would change after it, wouldn’t it?

Haru wasn’t sure of the answer, nor was he about what outcome he wanted.

He was just confused.

Oh how Haruka wished he could ask Makoto for guidance on this...

Haru furrowed his eyebrows, his hands gripping onto the scarf that he held wrapped around his neck.

Maybe he could.

Rin takes another breath, holding onto the final moments of silence before he finally answers the voice that wasn’t aimed at him.

“H-hello, Mrs. Nanase.” The redhead breathed, nervous.

After everything, he was nervous about this.

How childish…

Rin scowled.

“Who is this?” Her accusing voice asked across the line, the tone not losing the ridicule she held especially for her son.

“Rin Matsuoka.” Rin answers, more firmly this time.

He had no reason to be afraid of these people.

“I just wanted to tell you that your son won’t be… back for a while.”

The woman clicks her tongue, “excuse me?”

The redhead isn’t overly where this bravery came from within him. Don’t be wronged, he was never cowardly, yet, he had always been wary about Haruka’s parents.

Despite their lacking presence in Haru’s life when he was younger, there seemed to a cold respectful air around them that suffocated him. He didn’t know how to work with them, how to talk to people that were like this. His mother wasn’t anything like them, she was kind and nurturing. And every memory Rin had of his dad had been warmed by sunlight albeit slightly melancholy due to his passing.

“I promise you, this will be good for him.” Rin assures, closing his eyes, trying to listen to the reply on the line.

Haru walks out of the bathroom and takes a left. The opposite way Rin was waiting and takes a turn into a utility closet.

The dark, dank quietness of the room was calming to Haru. Almost as if he was back at home, with just him and Makoto.

It was just what he wanted right now.

Still clutching to his scarf, Haruka takes a deep breath.

“Makoto.”

Haruka’s eyes scan the area around the small space, knowing that the brunet was in here, somewhere.

He could just tell.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The words gush out before Haru can stop them.

“I’m having fun here, but I feel so guilty… Why is that? It’s almost as if Rin is keeping something from me… And he’s always so cheery… I can’t figure it out. Not that I have any right to ask him, I’ve barely said anything to him.”

Haruka clenches his fists, irritation seeping lightly through his chest.

And that was another thing… His emotions that had begun returning... Haruka was sure he had become a puppet, then- then what was all of this?

Almost feeling a cold hand on his shoulder, Haru twitches. Both comforted and confused at the same time.

Makoto’s hand used to be so warm…

“I think I understand…” Haruka sighs, his hands curling around the woollen scarf that had begun fray at the edges.

“I don’t need what’s good for him right now. It’s none of your business how he’s feeling. He has to be here in Tokyo. Haruka doesn’t need someone in his life that left for years.”

Rin bites his tongue. 

Who was she to speak?
Wasn’t she and her husband the one to practically abandon their own son after finding out about his own relationships?

“That may be, correct, Mrs. Nanase. But please understand-“

“No, you understand, boy. Haruka needs to be here, we have arrangements for him- His engagement is coming up. There will be press everywhere, this is vital to the growth of our company. Don’t you dare try and tell me what to understand. There have been enough complications with his absence already.”

Rin feels all too well-known anger bubble up within him and he furrows his eyebrows. He really didn’t want to start a scene in an airport- It was a terrible idea. He didn’t want to get arrest just yet.

“If you couldn’t tell your son was still hurting after all this time. You really don’t have no time to control him.”

The woman clicks her own tongue, Rin can practically see her greying hairs standing on end from the defiance she is facing.

“And you do?”

Rin pauses, his voice going much quieter.

“I didn’t drag him here, he chose to be here.”

The redhead scowls at the phone, his eyes gazing at the marble floor at his feet.

“Get him back here. Now.”

“Goodbye, Mrs. Nanase, he’ll return when he’s ready.”

Rin doesn’t wait for her reply, he just hangs up.

Chapter Text

Rin nurses an unwanted cup of coffee in his cold hands as he perches himself on Sousuke’s couch. Pretending not to notice his best friend’s cool but nervous gaze on him.

“Please Rin, just tell me. I want to help.”

Sousuke so rarely said please, it was odd to hear it come out of his mouth. Rin cringes at the sound of it, not liking the way the conversation was going. Every waking moment making him feel guilty about keeping this a secret.

“Sousuke, you’re my best friend. So I need you to trust me when I say that it’s better if I don’t tell you.”

The redhead can feel the other’s frown pierce through him and directs his eyes back to the black abyss of his drink.

“You’re a mess, Rin, you can’t bottle this shit up like after Australia. You know that-“

“It’s not like that!” The redhead declares stubbornly, meeting Sousuke’s gaze for the first time since they entered the living room.

He missed the warm embrace of his best friend, he didn’t want Sousuke to be looking at him like this.

With pity.

“All I know is that Nanase has something to do with it... He always does.” Sousuke’s lip curls downwards, slightly more than usual.

It was true that he and Haruka had been… better with each other lately.

But still, when tensions rose, the two couldn’t seem to help but be slightly hostile with each other.

They were too much alike, Rin could tell it bothered them.

“Haru isn’t at fault here. It’s me, and it’s my problem.”

Sousuke lets out an exasperated breath. “How can you say that without telling me anything else? I feel so useless just sitting here while you try and put yourself back together!”

Rin frowns this time, watching Sousuke’s expression change from frustrated to desperate in a matter of seconds.

“You deserve to know… We always used to tell each other everything, I know… But right now, that isn’t what I need right now.” Rin’s hands grip the mug in his hand tighter, feeling the remaining heat from within filling his fingertips.

The redhead meets the other’s eyes.

They’re both so tired, it’s late. If Sousuke had let him walk out that door, Rin would undoubtedly be at some kind of bar right now.

He wanted to numb whatever this was in his heart.

“Just- Just distract me from all of this.”

Rin can still feel his heart beating right out of his chest as Haruka returns to him, completely oblivious as to what had just gone down on his own phone.

Guilt pools in Rin’s chest; had that really been the right thing to do?

Rin only seemed to have made it worse for Haruka… The redhead’s eyes trail down to the floor in shame.

“Rin? Are you okay?” Haru raises his eyebrows, looking strangely calm after his bathroom break.

He looked more… at peace, it was strange.

He almost looked like the old Haru-

Rin soon realises that Haruka is waiting for an answer so he stops looking at him and sputters.

“Yeah, I’m fine, let’s go…”

He had to forget about this… Rin could deal with this by himself later. Haruka would get suspicious otherwise. And that was the last thing the redhead wanted him to be.

Chancing a glance at Haruka, Rin awaits his reaction to the shaky reply.

As expected, Haru doesn’t look convinced at all.

Taking in a resigned sigh, Haruka readjusted his scarf then take a step forward through the terminal his back to Rin and begins walking.

The redhead struggles after him, still trying to figure out what was different about him.

The plane ride isn’t steady, it bumps every couple of minutes and Rin can’t help but think it’s some kind of omen for his lying.

Haruka, however, looks completely unfazed about such things.

Then again, that’s how he usually looked, especially nowadays.

The redhead takes a sharp inhale of breath at the next turbulent bout, gripping onto the sides of the armrest.

After all of the travelling he had experienced in his life, he still hated this part.

Rin scrunches his eyes shut and waits for it to pass. He wills the anxious thoughts away, running through the odds of a plane crash to try and calm him down.

‘It’s more likely to die in a car crash than a plane crash…’

‘There’s also a lot more cars than planes, Rin…’

This would be an extremely long flight… Rin braces himself for the next miserable hours of his life with a tight inhaled breath and the darkness of closing his eyes-

He feels a warmth on his clutched hand and his eyes, so tightly shut before blow wide open within seconds.

Crimson irises gaze over his own hand underneath…

Underneath- Haru’s?

Rin’s stomach drops, and this time it isn’t because of the plane.

Haruka was holding his hand.

“I never knew you didn’t like planes.” He utters quietly, not meeting Rin’s eyes.

His grip doesn’t soften, however.

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me.” Rin sighs quietly, trying to make sure not to die in the very seat he sits on.

Haruka remains silent, but his hand on Rin’s is warmer than any other comfort Rin has ever felt.

“We didn’t have to go on a plane you know.” Haru mutters after a little while, slight guilt tinging his deadened voice.

“To Italy? Haru, I know you didn’t pay attention to geography in school but geez!” Rin laughs, casually- nervously.

The man almost rolls his eyes. Rin wished he had.

“I mean we could have just drove everywhere in Japan. It doesn’t matter to me where we’re going.”

Haruka is talking.

This was good.

It was distracting him.

“Doesn’t Japan get a bit boring after you’ve lived there all your life though?”

“Not when you’re with me.”

Haru says it with no emotion at all, he keeps his head forward and his gaze cool.

But Rin can tell he means it and wonders if Haruka deliberately wants to kill him.

The redhead clears his throat. “You’re awfully talkative all of a sudden, Haru. Any reason?”

Haruka shrugs his shoulders slightly, sparing a pleading glance at Rin. “If I tell you…” He begins, looking regretful. “Promise you won’t laugh.”

Rin furrows his eyebrows, surprised that he would actually be getting an answer.

“I promise.”

Haru looks down to the scarf he refused to take off.

“I talked to him.”

Chapter Text

“Just- Just distract me from all of this.”

Sousuke keeps his expression still as Rin says the words but on the inside he’s not even sure what to feel. The redhead’s voice as he says it is serious- albeit delirious.

It’s as if he’s drunk on his own emotions as opposed to the alcohol that Sousuke had prevented him from drinking.

Rin was looking for something else to numb himself with.

Sousuke swallows the bitter… hurt that he for some reason feels right now. He knows that Rin isn’t in his right mind right now- and yet it still stung.

“I want you to make me forget.” Rin continues, not meeting the other’s wary gaze as he inches closer to his best friend.

Sousuke still doesn’t know what to say.

“Help me forget, Sousuke.”

Rin keeps moving closer and Sousuke just wants to run away.

No.

“Please…”

No.

“Rin.”

Sousuke’s voice is frantic but firm, his eyes clenching close out of instinct. Swearing that he would obliterate the something or someone that made Rin act like this.

He heaves a deep breath and tries to keep his voice steady.

Grabbing onto the redhead’s shoulder, he makes Rin meet his eyes. He lifts his chin up so that he’s certain Rin can hear him.

“Don’t do this.”

Sousuke fails at one thing and he knows it. And he knows that Rin knows it too.

His voice tremors too much and he sounds too upset for it to come out coherently. Sousuke sounds like he’s on the verge of tears and he barely knows why.

It’s awful.

But it works.

Just like that, the strings limply holding Rin together fall and for the second time that night, the redhead falls into the other’s arms.

Rin lets out another sob that he didn’t even know he had left in him and tries his best to speak again.

“I’m so sorry, Sousuke.”

The other doesn’t say much else, just hushes him- tries to comfort Rin on something he knows nothing about.

Tries to forget what could have happened that night if he hadn’t said no.

Forgetting something this big would be something Rin would have to struggle with. He didn’t even know how long it would take for him to get over it.

But he’d have to.

Not only to save his relationship with his friends but to save himself.

Knowing Haru was happy without him killed every inch of his being and yet, he could at least find some solace in the fact that at least he was happy…

He doesn’t talk to him for two months. It’s better that way.

Rin goes back to Australia the night after the disaster that was supposedly his confession scene and he throws himself back into training. Harder and faster than he ever had done so before.

He wanted to numb himself to his feelings by numbing his muscles to the point of exertion.

He worked through the weeks by himself, passing out from exhaustion every night. Just glad enough for the fact that it would mean no more dreams.

The redhead didn’t even have the energy to think about Haru anymore, not in the present anyway…

It was more as if he thought about the future; at the Olympics, standing by Haru’s side. All of this behind them, smiling at each like nothing was wrong.

That was Rin’s goal for the moment, anyway.

It isn’t until the team’s coach calls him over one afternoon to remind him of the swimming trials for the games coming up in a matter of months does Rin realise that his dream could very easily be a reality soon enough.

Planned for right after the New Year, Rin can’t seem to contain his excitement.

Of course, the real Olympics were a few more years away. But Rin didn’t care at all.

It just gave him more time to practice.

More time to forget.

“So, Matsuoka, are you going to swim for Australia or Japan?” A team mate asks one early morning. The drawling accented English that Rin had long grown accustomed to drawing him out of a daze.

“Japan…“ Rin replies back in his own spiced English, a nostalgic smile, one he hadn’t felt in months, on his face. Looking out at the pink sky with a renewed sense of purpose.

Things would get better from here.

The redhead thinks back to Haru, back in Japan. The sadness still resonating within him, only numbed by the wear of a little time and turns back to his team mate. “I uh, made a promise to someone back there that I’d swim alongside them.”

The next day he calls Haru.

It only takes Rin a matter of seconds to figure out who Haru meant.

The redhead’s eyes widen a fraction before eyeing the scarf Haruka holds on his neck almost permanently.

“You can see… Makoto?”

Rin says it so quietly he’s afraid that Haru might not have heard him.

But he does.

“It’s not that I see him… It’s just as if I can feel his presence around me sometimes. Back at our house- he was with me a lot, he kept me company.” Haruka’s voice is hushed as well, tinged with worn sadness and nostalgia.

Rin’s chest wells with guilt as his finger tip curls around Haruka’s hand on top of his.

“I should have been there. I’m sorry, Haru.”

Haruka shakes his head.

“It was never your concern.”
“You being happy is one of my only concerns.”

Haru doesn’t reply, knowing it wouldn’t be right to ask just why the redhead stayed away for so long.

Rin would tell him in his own time wouldn’t he?

The pair of them were keeping their own secrets from each other. And both were wary to tell the other.

It would go around in a vicious circle if no one began at some point.  

And God knows how stubborn Rin could be…

“I-I was never lonely when I was in that house, all those years by myself. But I was never fully there either- I’m still not fully here. When he… left, every day since then felt like a blur.”

Rin looks at Haruka, his heart hurting when he sees how sad the other looks without even knowing it himself.

The redhead waits for him to continue, wanting every word that came out of his lips; for fear of him muting himself off from the world again. He wouldn’t dare interrupt him, this was the first time he’d properly opened up about Makoto since they started.

“Except the night you showed up at my doorstep.”

Rin lets out an inhalation of breath, scrunching his eyes shut- a reaction that he prayed Haruka couldn’t see. He wouldn’t be able to explain it.

“That night- and every night since… It has grown less… fake to me. It feels like I’m me again.”

Haruka draws his gaze away, his eyelashes glinting in the soft light of the plane cabin. “Makoto told me that I should start talking about my feeling more- I’m still not sure why- I’m sure you think it’s stupid…”

Haru trails off, looking ashamed of himself.

Rin can’t seem to gather up enough words on his tongue to tell the other how much this meant to him. How much information he’d just gotten from a paragraph of sentences than days inside of a car with him.

“I guess I should thank Makoto, but you’ll have to do it for me. Haru, you talking about everything… It’s good, it’s great- It’s you. When I saw you that night about a week ago, you were like a shell of a person. But you’ve changed now- you’re different. You get more life into you every day I spend with you.  And whether it was because of Makoto giving you a push along the way or if it was because you were finally strong enough to decide something within yourself after all this time. I’m not sure, but I want you to know that I’m really, really happy that you came along with me.” Rin realises his blabbering on and on in the middle of an international air plane flight mid-way through his tangent but he can’t seem to bring himself to care.

Because right now, Haru is looking at him exactly like he used to when Rin got all emotional about thing.

Squinted eyes, tiled head.

And the faintest ghosts of smiles.

Chapter Text

“Uh… hey Haru,” His voice cracks on the other line and he cringes.

‘So much for making this casual…’

Rin’s hands shake as he waits, with baited breath for the voice he’s been hearing in the back of his head for countless days. Over and over again like a distorted chorus “Makoto and I are dating…”

“Rin?”

That isn’t the voice he’s looking for. Rin’s heart is in his throat.

“Makoto.”

The redhead can feel the other chew on his lip, obviously unable to think of the right words to say. After all, the last time he’d seen Rin, the guy had been bawling his eyes out.

But Rin’s fine now, he’s okay.

“Why do you have Haru’s phone?” Rin breaks the silence over the line, hugging his knees closer to himself on top of his dorm room bed sheets.

 “He never picks up… I thought it might be from his parents…” Makoto’s voice trails off and Rin can tell that there’s something negative in it.

“Did something happen with his parents?”
Makoto sighs, “No not really, he’s just not overly close with them. He’s been even more distant with them after we started datin-“

“Oh.”

Rin knew Haru’s parents barely- he’d seen them once and he could tell they didn’t treat Haruka like they truly should.

And yet, it still brought a pang to his chest when he heard that they weren’t even speaking to him anymore.

It was awful.

“Yeah…” Makoto mumbles, Rin can see the frown forming in his mind. “Do you want to talk to Haru?”

The redhead nods and then realises the brunet can’t see him. “Yes- please.”

“He’s been worried about you- Don’t be too concerned if he bombards you with questions. I didn’t think it was right to tell him anything.”

Rin lets a smile tug onto his lips. “Thanks, Makoto.”

“It’s the least I can do.”

There’s silence over the phone for a matter of minutes- Rin hears mumbling and a fair amount of shuffling and then-

“When are you coming back to Japan? The Olympic trials that run over here are starting in the new year.”

Take Haru to be as blunt as ever. Rin bites back a laugh.

“We don’t talk for two months and that’s how you greet me?!” Rin scowls slightly, trying not to smile. Trying not to think about how he had longed for the sound of Haruka’s voice again.

“I figured if you didn’t want to talk about it… We didn’t have to…” Haru speaks, so quietly that Rin has to strain his ears to hear.

“I appreciate it.” The redhead replies back, holding the phone as if were Haru in person.

Haruka remains silent and Rin soon realises he wants an answer.

“Coach mentioned it yesterday afternoon- I’m coming home a day before Christmas. To compete over there. You better bring you’re A-game, Haru.”

Haru huffs a breath of air and all the way over to Australia, Rin can see the indignant expression on his face and tries to pretend he doesn’t miss seeing it.

It’s then that the redhead realises with himself. That if this is all he and Haruka are… It will be alright. Joking like this from other points in the world, teasing him while he keeps his expression from twitching. It would be okay.

It wasn’t all or nothing. Haru’s friendship meant more than anything to Rin and he swore he would fulfil their dream together.

No matter how painful.

Italy was amazing.

Despite the amazingly long airplane flight into the capital, Rome, Rin can’t seem to keep his eyes shut from looking at all of the sights to see from the taxi cab window.

Haru on the other hand looks rather dead to the world. Dark circles becoming more a part of his face than the proverbial ocean in his eyes.

The redhead doesn’t know a lick of Italian so all he can do is point at a map for the driver to take them to the hotel they were planning to stay at and hope for the best that they weren’t going to get murdered or something of the sort.

“We’re almost there.” Rin says to Haruka, whose eyes are fluttering closed every couple of seconds. It’s a complete lie, but he doesn’t want Haru to fall asleep on him. “I’m sure as hell not carrying you up if you crash on me.”

Haruka just yawns. “Just leave me in here…”

Rin hits the man lightly on the head, causing the other’s eyes to jerk open once more. “If you let jet lag get you down, it will fuck up our entire schedule.”

Haru frowns at him. “We have a schedule?”
“Sure…” The redhead replies half-heartedly. “Of some type.”

“Enlighten me.” Haruka mumbles, the frown on his face unmoving.

“We go see… things?”

“Do you even know what’s in Italy?”
“Do you?”
“Pizza.”
Rin snorts.

It’s times like these the redhead feels like he’s back in high school and not on some crazy international road trip with his widowed hermit friend whom he hadn’t seen in God knows how long.

Rin treasures it.

They make it to the hotel within a few more minutes luckily, Rin still has to shake Haru awake but in the end it was all okay.

Well after the redhead managed to convince the other that they needed their luggage to be dragged up with them. He couldn’t believe Haru was actually considering leaving them in the lobby...

The place is nothing special, but then again. Rin is pretty exhausted himself now that he thinks about it- He makes a mental note to check it out further when he isn’t on the way to passing out.

Rin swipes the key card to the room (fifth time’s the charm) and practically dives onto the plush carpet in the entry way.

He feels Haruka’s sluggish steps go around his body (and step on one of his fingers.) Rin’s too tired to care.

It is however, Haru’s voice that brings him to semi-conscious attention.

“Uh… Rin.”

The redhead raises his eyebrows at the noise, Haruka sounds… strange.

Hauling himself off the floor, Rin shuffles to the single bedroom area in the tiny space. Where Haru stands.

A single queen mattress awaits the two of them and Rin can feel déjà vu rising up in his throat like dreadful bile.

“Oh you have to be fucking kidding me.”

Chapter Text

Haru meets Rin at the airport- For some reason Makoto didn’t want to come pick the redhead up with him… Haruka shrugged it off as some kind of nervousness or awkwardness from their last encounter. And didn’t think anything else of it.

It was strange, some days he completely forgot that such a thing had happened- how Rin had ran off crying- how he looked like he had his heart ripped into pieces.

Because on the phone- he was always laughing. He was always joking.

He was always happy.

And Haru couldn’t seem to make sense of it.

But he wouldn’t dare ask Rin.

Something about the subject seemed taboo, especially so if Makoto refused to talk about it. Haruka figured that Rin might eventually tell Haruka… But he was never completely sure. They were back on stable ground concerning their relationship and Haru didn’t really want to try anything risky just in case. 

And yet the curiosity was killing him.

The noise of the buzzing airport around him made him raise his head. A gate opening- the sound of a door.

Haru wondered why Rin had asked him to pick him up. After all, he had his sister- his mother.

Was it just because they were still in Iwatobi? Was it because Haru lived in Tokyo? Then what about Sousuke? Did he want to discuss training or something? He knew Haruka was useless with that kind of stuff- after all this time- even after he found his dream. Old habits die hard and he’d always mumble ‘I don’t care about my time. I just want to swim free’ to the redhead. Even if it was only half the truth now.

Haru doesn’t get any more time to think about the situation at hand because all of a sudden. Rin is right in front of his face, frowning just slightly.

“Haru!” The redhead cries, incredulous. “Were you daydreaming or something? You know you’re the one who’s supposed to find me! Not the other way around!”

Haruka takes a deep breath, never realising how much he missed seeing Rin’s vibrant facial expressions.

“Hello, Rin.” Haruka says lamely.

Rin blows a stray hair out of his face in dismay, hands on his hips. “You never change.”

“Neither do you.”

The redhead cringes at that but shakes it off, clapping the other on the shoulder. “Please tell me Makoto has been feeding you something other than mackerel.”

“He’s been trying to.”

Rin smiles, adjusting the suitcase strap baring into his shoulder. “I’m sure you can complain about it all the way home…” 

Haruka doesn’t say anything, but takes one of Rin’s other bags from him.

“Come on, Haru! Let’s kick ass!”

“The Olympics aren’t until next year, it’s only the trials that we have to-”

“Fuck off, let’s do this!”

Rin stares at the bed in disbelief, the situation sinking into him slowly but all at once.

It’s so ridiculous… The redhead swore he booked for two beds… Then again, he was on a plane- anxious and tired beyond belief. It would be easy to mess up something with the website online…

Oh God this took him back…

Rin bursts out laughing, the kind of manic laugh you would expect from a super villain. Haru expects him to sneer out ‘this had been my plan the entire time!’ when in fact all the redhead does further is fall to the ground in a fit of giggles.  

Rin clutches his stomach as tears gather at his eyes- having no idea why he was laughing so hard.

Maybe he was just so unlucky- or lucky? Rin wasn’t all that sure.

“I can’t believe this happened to us again!” The redhead cried, wiping literal tears from his eyes.

Either way the universe had screwed him over once more. And he wouldn’t give it the satisfaction of seeing him pissed off.

Haruka watched in extremely mild alarm at the man writhing around the floor cackling- wondering whether he should try to put a stop to it.

But then, as Haru watched further he couldn’t help but the find the situation slightly funny himself. He found the scene… charming. The way Rin’s mouth wasn’t pulled into a scowl- you could see the dimples by the doe of his cheeks.

His laugh on the other hand- it was ugly to say the least. Like a bunch of hyenas feasting over their newly caught prey.

And yet Haru found it fantastic nevertheless.

Once Rin had finally calmed down (after another two minutes.) The pair decided to discuss just what was to be done.

For some reason- Rin insisted that they couldn’t possibly sleep in the same bed together. Even if they had done it before… It felt weird now. It was strange, but despite Haruka’s indifference to the situation he still felt uneasiness from Rin at the prospect of it.

Or maybe it was just nervousness.

Whatever the cause- this just seemed off the table.

Rin yawned from his spot on the floor, having not gotten up from his fit of laughter. Reaching out with his arms to drag a pillow down onto the floor with him.

Rin places it under his head- practically suffocating himself with it.

“I can sleep on the floor tonight, Haru- Right now I think I could fall asleep anywhere. And besides, you still look like a fucking zombie from the plane trip.”

His voice is muffled by the pillow but Rin knows Haru can hear him.

Haruka nods in agreement but the redhead doesn’t see. So he elaborates “We can trade spots every night.”

Rin mumbles a ‘damn right’ before he’s completely off the radar. His head pressed onto the hastily placed pillow- dead to the world.

Haru’s lips curl up ever so slightly before he can stop himself- he watches Rin’s chest rise and fall with sleep- light snores already coming from his mouth. His crimson hair splayed out across the surface below him like fiery waves-

Almost on instinct, Haruka reaches out to touch the slight curl in Rin’s hair but stops himself.

Haru feels a strange guilt pool inside him and can’t help but feel awash with a strange sense of dread.

This was dangerous.

Very dangerous.

The smile that had begun bubbling up onto his expression had faded away long ago and now his mouth was spread out into a thin line.

Haruka didn’t know what he was doing- he was probably just far too sleep deprived to know his own actions.

Yeah, that has to be it.

Haruka sucks in a deep breath as he moves over to the bed, sitting down lightly on it to not shift the mattress. He feels his fingertips curls around the threading fabric of Makoto’s scarf and knows that this probably isn’t a problem he can just forget about.

‘If it is a problem at all…’

The words in his head seem to call at him but he doesn’t know what they mean anymore.

He never really did.

Haruka falls into a deep sleep that was everything but peaceful.

Chapter Text

They train.

He and Haru- beside each other, just like all those years ago.

Rin can’t help but feel like he was home, once and for all. He wouldn’t be returning to Australia for a while, with trials beginning to start up Rin was kept on his toes alongside Haruka, who looked the busiest he had ever been in his entire life.

And yet, it was a good kind of busy. Just like the one he had back in Australia. It was the kind of busy that didn’t allow you to dwell on the bigger things happening. It kept Rin from remembering too much about the bitter sweetness he felt in his heart.

Except, every once in a while. He’d see Makoto pick Haruka up from practice- and Haru would kiss Makoto absentmindedly on the cheek with such gentleness that Rin’s chest swelled up in jealousy- in pain.

When he felt that way, he tended to just spend an extra few hours at the pool. Swimming until his joints hurt more than his heart. 

This was the cycle that was Rin’s life leading up to the Olympics. Of course it wasn’t always ideal, sometimes he’d remember certain things and he’d get choked up all over again.

Sometimes he’s so close to telling Haru how much he’s in love with him he has to remind himself that he isn’t wanted in that way.

It would just take some more getting used to. That’s all.

Makoto’s wary of showing any sort of affection near the redhead just in case. And Rin really is thankful for that. But still, some things don’t go unnoticed by Rin.

 Like the way Haruka stares at the brunet, his eyes softening and his mouth turning upwards ever so suddenly.

Like the way they always hold hands under the dinner table when they and Rin go out to eat.

The redhead can’t help but hate himself for it. But he wants to take those precious moments. He wants to steal them for himself.  

He loathes these emotions, he knows they make him a bad person. But he just can’t seem to stop.

Some nights he lies awake, wondering if he had confessed first. If anything would be different.

But he’s not sure.

All he knows- All he hopes is that one day…

He’ll truly be okay with this.

Rin wakes up to the sound of the mattress beside him shifting.

It’s dark in the room- still night and the redhead bites back an enormous yawn to no avail. His jetlagged brain must have thought it was morning…

“Why?”

Rin hears a voice and whips his head around.

Was Haru awake?

Or was he just making this up?

Rin pauses his shuffling and waits for another sign.

“Why did you leave?”

This time Rin’s sure he heard it.

Rising from his uncomfortable spot on the carpeted floor, the redhead squints into the abyss that is their hotel room.

His eyes finally settles onto the lump, shrouded in blankets on the bed, tossing and turning with an uncharacteristic vigour.

“That night… I’m sorry, I should have- I should have-“

Rin’s eyes widen, watching the other figure.

Haru is still asleep.

Approaching closer gingerly, Rin creeps along the bed side. Following the sound of Haruka’s comatose voice.

Rin can even see in the dark that Haru’s eyebrows are furrowed deeply, his mouth a thin line across his face- it’s trembling.

“I’m so sorry.”

Haruka’s voice sounds so desperate, so frightened.

It must be a nightmare.

Did this happen often?

The redhead wasn’t all that sure… Haruka was always the first to wake up- the last to go to sleep.

If he ever slept at all…

Rin’s stomach drops.

“Haru?” Rin calls into the darkness, trying to rouse the other man up from his bad dream. Rin had had a fair share himself and they were awful.

They must be ten times worse for Haru.

“Makoto, I didn’t mean to do this… I should hav-“Haruka winces, cringing into his bed sheets, his hands curling around himself like a wounded animal.

“Haru!” Rin says again, louder this time.

“I’m sorry…”

The redhead swears he hears Haruka whimper this time.

It’s all his heart can take.

“Haru!” He yells, climbing onto the bed and grabbing the other man’s shoulders without a moment’s more hesitation. “Wake up!”

Haruka’s eyes flutter open, still halfway into the dream.

“Makoto?” Haru utters, awake this time. His voice is still slurred- but Rin can tell.

Rin feels his hands slip off the other’s shoulders. Realising that the other is shaking. He doesn’t answer the one word question that Haru asks. Not having the heart to tell him no.

How many nights did he have to live through this alone?

“Haru…” Rin mumbles, getting ahead of himself and pulling the other into his arms. Hugging him so tightly that he’s sure Haru can feel him.

Haruka doesn’t say anything else, he just rests his head on Rin’s shoulder.

The redhead wonders if Haruka thinks that this is Makoto hugging him.

He wonders if he’ll wake up tomorrow and realise what had happened.

Rin wonders if he’ll regret this.

But he doesn’t for a second let go.

Chapter Text

This was it, this was what they had trained for.

After countless trials, interviews, gruelling exercise. After everything the world had thrown at them.

They were here.

It seemed so much more real as he heard his name being called- it felt more real when he heard the crowd cheer for him.

Haruka was representing Japan for 100 metre freestyle as well as the medley relay.

Rin, the 100 metre butterfly and free as well, alongside Haru in the relay.

Haruka could practically feel the redhead’s excitement from beside as he shoots Haruka a toothy grin. He can feel Makoto’s gaze on him in the crowd of thousands of people.

Haru idly wondered if his parents were watching him.

He wondered if he cared.

He declared he didn’t.

Adjusting his goggles around his swim cap, Haruka feels no nervousness. Only the anticipation to be one with the water again. To swim for his friends- beside his friend.

“You scared, Haru?” Rin asked as they’re called to take their marks. His voice carrying through the crowds yells for them, for their opponents and for the race in general.

This would be an interesting one.

“Not even close.”

His feet, like clockwork, make their way up to the block. Haruka watches as all the other swimmers do the same.

‘These people are the best in the world.’ Haru realises with a certain silent awe. Overwhelmed that a dream as big as his was coming true.

Rin gives him one last smirk, the excitement running rampant in his bright eyes, snapping his own goggles like he used to.

The redhead was swimming to fulfil his and his own father’s dream. Haru was surprised the guy wasn’t shaking from the anticipation.

He’d been dreaming about this since he was a kid, after all.

Maybe that was why he was so calm, he’d been preparing himself for so long that he’d just gotten used to the notion. It wasn’t even a dream to Rin anymore it was a necessity, it was expected.

Haruka returns Rin’s gaze with a cool smile and a glance to the side and prepares to dive.

Haruka awakens to the sound of rushing water and his pulse quickens ever so slightly, his eyes blowing wide. Completely unfamiliar with the territory he was currently in…

That’s right… Italy. The hotel- one bed.

The nightmare. The dream.

Haru feels a strange niggling at his chest. Swearing that the warm embrace of that person in the night had felt so real.

Maybe he’d just thought it up…

It wouldn’t be the first time. But it would have to be one of the realest.

Haruka sighs, putting the thought away for now. Haru rises from the bed, his bare feet touching the carpet below.

He feels a small amount of pity for Rin when he feels it- the floor must have been really uncomfortable…

Haruka resolves to give him the bed tonight no matter how much he insists.

Reaching out for the curtains, Haru. For the first time since they got here, takes in the sights of Rome, Italy from their window.

His eyes rest on the pool outside the hotel, just two floors away. Reaching out to touch it, Haruka feels the cold glass against his hand instead.

“You want to go to the pool?” Rin says from behind him, wearing only a towel around his waist. Watching him from the open door of the bathroom. His vibrant red hair duller from the water but still odd nevertheless.

Haruka lets his hand fall, averting his gaze. “No, I’m okay.”

Rin raises his eyebrows, surprised. A comical drop of water falling from his fringe onto his pointed noise. “Okay… Do you want breakfast?”

It was certainly concerning that Haru didn’t want to swim. Not that Rin was all that surprised at this point- more… sad. Not that he had any right to be.

The redhead knew that Haruka had shown no outward interest towards water since they left, but genuinely turning down an opportunity to swim in an unknown pool?

Rin had some more work to do…

At least he didn’t seem to remember what happened last night.

Rin was afraid of what would happen if Haruka woke up in Rin’s arms. He didn’t know how the other would act- he didn’t want to know. No matter how much he loved being so close to him, Rin knew he would have to leave the man to wake up by himself.

The way that Haru was acting was strange, but nothing too out of the usual. Confirming Rin’s beliefs that these nightmares were a regular occurrence.

It hurt to think about…

“No… I’m not hungry.” Haruka lies, looking away from the window as he reaches into his bag for a pair of socks.

His stomach grumbling gives him away though, and he curses it.

“Sounds like you are.” Rin laughs, throwing one of Haru’s t-shirt at the man. “Get changed, I’m pretty sure I saw a breakfast place when we were coming in.”

“You were as tired as I was, though.” Haruka frowns, pulling the clothing garment from his face.

“I’m very alert to important things such as breakfast.”

“Right.”

Breakfast is… interesting to say the least.

Rin and Haruka knew no Italian whatsoever so the redhead had just tried to use his knowledge of English to get him through the menu.

It was rather unsuccessful.

The two of them had just begun pointing at random things as orders and hoped for the very best.

When their dishes came, Haru had no idea what it was eating but it was definitely bitter.

And Rin’s was far too sweet for his liking.   

Fed up with the redhead’s cringing, Haruka plonks his own plate in front of Rin. “Do you want to swap?”

“Absolutely.”

The rest of the day was spent wandering around the town, not going too far away from where they were staying for now. Which just happened to be a couple of minutes away from the Sistine chapel. (Rin made a mental note to go see it tomorrow with Haru. It would be interesting looking into more of the western religions.)

The redhead brought a few souvenirs for his mother and sister but aside from that, the pair had just walked along the streets of Rome. Walking off the jetlag that still lay asleep within them.

The cobblestone pathed floor nearly made Rin trip over three times.

Haruka was not surprised. In fact, he was struggling too.

Haru, himself, was rather dazed the entire day. Not only because of the long plane flight but also because of that odd nightmare/dream he had had last night.

Was the last part of it real?

Was it Rin who was hugging him? If so why was he? Or was he just making this up?

Would it hurt to ask?

Once they finally make their way back into the hotel room (Rin noting how pretty the reds and the golds of the lobby were when he wasn’t so sleep-deprived.) Haru finally gains up the courage to ask him.

It’s during a moment of silence where they are both standing idle, with nothing left to do in the day, utterly spent.

“…Last night wasn’t a dream was it?”

Haru can hear Rin take a deep breath as he waits for something that isn’t going to come in the form he thinks.

“I heard you talking in your sleep- you sounded like you were having a nightmare so i-I thought I should wake you up. But you just looked so sad, Haru. I know I shouldn’t have, I just-“

Haruka’s chest settles in a strange way that he can’t comprehend and he meets Rin’s guilty gaze. “What did I say in my sleep?”

“You were talking about Makoto, you were talking about how you should hav-“

Haruka cuts him off. “It’s fine.”

“Do you have that dream often?” Rin asks gingerly, shocked that Haruka was taking this decently well.

Haruka looks to the ground.

“Nearly every night.”

Rin feels his heart sink. “What did you do- What did you do when I wasn’t there to wake you up?”

Haru’s eyes glaze over just the slightest bit as he answers, a terrible loneliness enveloping those beautiful irises of his.

No one had ever asked him that.

 “I just- I wait until morning. If I don’t think about it- It doesn’t matter as much.” 

Rin frowns, somehow knowing some variant of that answer would come out of Haru’s lips. But not knowing at all what to say next.

Haru feels the remaining pieces of his pride fall to the ground- Rin knew about the dreams he had.

He’d been so careful about it too, he’d always wake up early, go to sleep late…

But now, Rin knew.

He saw how scared Haruka looked, how desperate he sounded.

How lonely he could get sometimes.

What’s the point anymore?

The scraps of his self-control leave Haruka as he asks one simple request.

“Rin?”

He was so lonely.

He was so selfish to ask this-

“Yeah?”

Rin was a beacon in the darkness, Haruka remembered now. How his arms had closed over him so tightly, so securely. 

Protecting him.

It was a greedy favour to request- after everything Rin had done.

And yet… There was such an extreme wanting in Haruka’s heart for that embrace all over again. He wanted to feel Rin’s strong arms around him again.

He wanted to feel like he mattered.

“… Would you mind staying with me again tonight?”

Chapter Text

‘This has got to be one of the best days of my life.’ Haru realises with a start- the sounds of the raucous crowd going wild.

He had swum to his heart’s content- he’d gotten his very first gold medal. He’d watched Rin slap a hand around his shoulder- slightly peeved that Haruka had beaten him in the end. But that calm irritation was eased when he won gold in butterfly.

Haruka watched the whole race- Rin was in front of all them by a whole length at the end. He was amazingingly graceful as he tore at the water lapping around him- like a shark.

By the time the relay had rolled around. Haruka had to supress the ridiculous grin from his face.

He didn’t even care that they’d come second in the medley at the end. His team as well as himself- they’d trained so hard knowing full well how good everyone in the world would be.

Haruka wondered what Makoto would say to him when he saw him again...

Haru catches his breath as he climbs out of the pool- his chest heaving with exertion. He’d swum so hard and he was still beaten.

Instead of feeling defeated, he just felt more determined to try harder next time.

‘Hopefully there was a next time…’

It was odd in many ways. Haru knew he didn’t care about winning- but he felt like he wanted to, maybe it was for his friends. Or maybe it was just some sort of secret desire he held within himself.

He wasn’t sure- but he knew that motivation was certainly a good thing.

“Haru!” He hears a familiar voice call- Rin.

All of a sudden Haruka is taken back to their second year in high school. When Rin had taken Rei’s place in the medley relay last minute…

The redhead looked a lot like he did back then- he was crying, a lot, but he still looked ridiculously happy.

His joy was contagious and Haruka found himself smiling as wide as possible despite himself.

These days that memory is bitter sweet.

After all- it was all but a couple of months later that Makoto died.

Haruka wishes he could have seen his reaction in the crowd, he’d wished he’d looked closer.

He wanted to see his reaction when he won that medal.

Italy is beautiful. Every moment Rin and Haru spend there is just another memory that the two would remember for life.

After the first night there, Rin and Haruka share a bed whatever hotel they go to. Haru convincing himself that he’s just saving money for the redhead when in reality he knew he was full of shit.

Rin was just really good at dealing with Haruka’s nightmares.

Not that he’d ever admit that. Haruka was just lucky enough that Rin agreed to do such a thing again.

God knows why… Rin was probably just that nice a person- going about Haru’s terribly selfish requests with such grace…

As they move about the sights Rin absolutely insists on taking a million photos of the place. Looking like an irritating tourist the entire time.

Haru rolls his eyes when he isn’t looking but doesn’t complain at all when they both look over the snap shots over candle light at the tiny cafés they come across.

Rin’s favourite is a candid one he’d taken of Haruka, standing in front of a bunch of pink flowers by the sea just before sunset in the village of Positano. The redhead had snuck one of the blooms into the man’s raven hair before he’d taken it.

Haruka keeps telling him to delete it but Rin definitely doesn’t. He makes it his lock screen.

From churches to the leaning tower of Pisa- they explore everywhere all across Italy and change hotels nearly every night. They let the wind take them where it wants and it’s the most exhilarated Haruka has felt in the longest time.

They spend a week and a half there- travelling across the winter turning country with all intentions of staying for a while longer until Haruka saw a stray brochure for a beautiful pool in Switzerland.

The pool seemed to have no edge at all- just backing onto the landscape of the snowy mountainside. It’s beautiful blue water calling at Haruka.

He had the misfortune of picking it up in front of Rin, which definitely noted the unexplainable wonder in the man’s eyes.

“Do you want to go there?” Rin asks, equally enticed by the pool.

Haruka nearly jumps, shaking his head. “I know you’re an Olympian and all, but you’re going to have to run out of money eventually. This is too expensive.”

Rin shrugs him off, “It doesn’t even say the price.”

“I don’t want to swim in there.”

The redhead hums, not convinced. “Okay well- I think I do. So since you’re my travelling pal and all. You have to come with anyway.”

Haru huffs, trying to remain indifferent. “Fine. But we’re driving there.”

“Eh? But it’s an eight hour drive!” 

“That’s nothing.”

“You’re scared of flying.”

Rin frowns. “I’m not scared of flying… I just don’t find it preferable... But I guess we could drive. We could stop over at another country afterwards too. That would be pretty cool.”

Haruka doesn’t say anything else, neither does Rin. The two in silent agreement about their next destination. Not entirely sure whose idea it was in the first place.

Not that it mattered.

Rin would make Haru crack with this pool, the redhead was sure. He didn’t quite know what was hindering the guy from jumping in every body of water he saw now that he was getting so much better than before.

But the redhead was sure he would found it sooner or later.

Apparently he was good at that.

They set out at dawn with mugs of coffee and bleary eyes.

“Ugh, whose idea was it to get up so early?” Rin yawned, half way through a scowl.

“Yours,” The other replies dryly, taking a mildly smug sip from his drink. “You wanted to see the sunrise, remember?”

“No…” The redhead grumbles, “I was probably drunk.”

“I don’t remember you ordering anything with alcohol in it.”

“Maybe they put something in the garlic bread.”

Haruka just stares at him.

Rin doesn’t meet his gaze, stubbornly fixing his gaze to the road.

“Besides, you shouldn’t be getting drunk. Don’t you have to train for swimming or something?”

Rin chokes on his drink, wondering how the man can be so blunt on such a touchy subject.

Wasn’t he at least a bit sorry that he quit swimming?

Or did Haruka just not care for it at all anymore…

That thought had haunted Rin for the longest of times. Ever since he watched Haruka leave the national team three years ago- it had been a big concern for him.

But here the guy was now, practically lecturing Rin on how he should be training.

“Please, Haru, don’t you think I would have gotten permission before I left?”

“No?”

“You’re right, I left a voicemail on the way to your house.”

Haru snorts, he snorts.

Rin can’t let the little victory get to his head.

But he does anyway.

“Coach was pissed, but I guess he understood- I promised him I would make sure to work out every day and eat nothing but salad while I was all over the world.”

“Rin, you just had pizza for breakfast.”

“There was tomato on it.”

“In the sauce.”

“Fuck off, I’m on holidays.”

Haru clicks his tongue quietly but doesn’t say anything else, taking another sip from his drink and looking out the window. The ancient buildings of rural Italy quietly fascinating him.

Just as much as he likes listening to Rin talk, he also likes the silence. The comfortable kind of quiet that you get with a person when you’ve just known each other for the right amount of time. The kind that you could interrupt with words and it would be okay- the kind that you could leave untouched for hours and it would still be the same.

Unfortunately, it isn’t Rin or Haruka that interrupts the quiet.

It’s Haru’s phone.

Rin instantly tenses, not knowing of what to do if Haruka actually answered it this time.

The redhead couldn’t believe he had actually forgotten about that little not-so slip of his back at the airport.

Would he be mad?

Or would he be grateful?

Either way Rin was hanging on the edge of his seat. Hoping Haruka doesn’t notice his strange reaction.

Haru stares at the phone- now in his hand, looking at the caller I.D. for a few seconds.

“It’s from mother.” He mentions, in the cool, detached way he usually does when it has anything to do with his parents.

“Are you going to answer it?”
Haru frowns, looking like he’s having a mental war with himself.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Haru.”

“No, I-I want to. I can’t keep running from her.”

Rin sucks in a deep breath, proud of the man but at the same time terrified for the relationship the two of them had been building up this past few weeks.

Steeling himself one last time with an inhale of air. Haru pressed answer on his phone.

“Hello, Mother.”

The woman on the other side makes a small noise of surprise. Obviously shocked with Haruka’s subtle forwardness.

She quickly recovers. “Haruka, so it is you and not one of your asinine companions.”

His mother practically spits the words out. She sounded furious.

The comment leaves Haru confused. “What do you mean by that?”

“Oh so he didn’t tell you. How ‘friend-like’ of him. I had just assumed you were too scared to talk to me after you directly disobeyed your father and I.”

Haru’s resolve flattens and he feels himself curl around his own body just the slightest bit more.

Rin swallows, nervous energy radiating from him.

“I still don’t understand.” Haruka says again, quieter.

“Your ‘friend’ picked your phone up in your steed. Told us to leave you alone, as if he knew what was better for you.”

Haru passes a glance at Rin, who still looks incredibly guilty. 

“Is that so?” Haruka’s voice is tense now, more so than before. Rin can’t read it.

The conversation goes for a matter of minutes and every second Rin gets more and more anxious to see Haruka’s reaction.

But so far, all that Rin has seen was the very same stony expression he always has.

It’s unnerving.

It’s scary.

And Rin can tell, at the very least, that Haruka’s not happy.

When the other finally hangs up the phone, the comfortable silence that was once there- alongside the Italian countryside is left for dead and is replaced with the tensest quiet the redhead has ever had the discomfort to be in.

He knows he should say something, Rin’s definitely in the wrong here.

But he’s just so cautious to do anything.

So, very uncharacteristically- Rin keeps his mouth shut and his eyes on the road. The guilt pooling in his chest, pushed away but all but forgotten.

He doesn’t spare a glance at Haru, who he can tell is pissed just by the sharp breaths that the other is taking.

Rin tries to calm himself down so when the time arises. He wouldn’t lose his cool. He couldn’t get defensive like he always used to…

The redhead sighs quietly, taking a look outside the car. Where it was definitely less intense.

They seem to be crossing a narrow road, looking onto the Mediterranean Sea and another small beach town of people. His eyes lock onto the crashing waves on the rocks and for a second or two, Rin is calm.

All of that however, is just an illusion.

“There are some things you just can’t butt in on, Rin.” Haruka bites, making Rin flinch from the freezing cold way he says it. “I know you must mean well- or something, but believe me when I say that these people… my parents, they’re relentless.”

Rin swallows, his grip on the steering wheel tightening. “I know it was wrong Haru, but they can’t just treat you like that-“

“You don’t get to say that.” Haruka snaps, his glare boring into Rin’s skull.

Oh how Rin wished the strongest emotion Haru had showed so far was anything other than this.

“But-“

“I’m not yours, you don’t get to decide who does what with me.”

Rin feels his chest sink as the words hit him like a bullet.

Oh if only he knew how much that really hurt. Haru wouldn’t have said it then.

Haru must notice the sudden drop of protests from Rin because his eyes soften up just the slightest bit. “How would you feel if I… If I called your mother- or Sousuke and told them to leave you alone.”

“That’s different.” Rin whispers, so quiet Haruka doesn’t hear.

This isn’t good.

The redhead can feel the familiar fire rising in his chest, the strange passion that burns so bright whenever he feels like he needs to help- to defend someone.

Even if the person needs defending from themselves.

“What?”

“I said, ‘that’s different’.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“They aren’t emotionally abusing me into thinking that I’m some- piece of trash that isn’t worth anyone’s time. That’s what’s different.”

Ah, so much for calm, Rin supposes.

It’s another bout of silence before Haruka speaks again

Even then, it’s just a command.

“Stop the car.” Haru spits, his eyes straight forward. Not even looking at the redhead anymore.

Rin clicks his tongue, knowing he must have gone too far.

Despite his irritation, he does stop. Rin pulls over to the side of the road with a slight jerk of his arm.

Haruka barely waits for the car to stop before he’s outside, trudging towards somewhere in the distance Rin can’t see.

The redhead wants to call for him but he knows all that his replies will be met with are gusts of wind.

Rin just watches him go.

Chapter Text

Rin fucked up.

He’s very well aware of that fact and yet the thought keeps hitting him like a train over and over again.

He wants to curse his hot headedness, even when he knows it’s his poisonous tongue that really did all the damage.

The redhead rests his head on his steering wheel, closing his eyes and taking a deep, exhausted breath before reassessing his situation.

He and Haruka had been in a fight. Haru is gone. Rin didn’t go after him.

Rin didn’t go after him.

The redhead swears. His fingers curling around the wheel under his hands, his knuckles turning a sickly white colour.

God knows where Haru would be… An unknown land, where no one speaks the same language.

Rin bites his tongue so hard that blood trickles ever so slightly from his mouth. Almost as if he was making it do penance for the situation.

He feels the light breeze on his hair, the mild sound of the cars passing him by outside the window, the smell of the ocean-

Rin straightens, his eyes blowing wide.

The ocean.

Haru doesn’t know what to feel when he leaves Rin. It’s a strange emotion that just seems to overwhelm him.

After months upon months of feeling so numb to almost anything in this world. Haruka still just hasn’t gotten the grip on feeling anything too strong.

He supposes its anger, but knows there’s so many more layers to it all than that.

Maybe it was a spliced cocktail of begrudging admittance, frustration and just the slightest hint of betrayal.

Whatever it truly was; it certainly wasn’t pleasant.

His fingers reach out for the scarf around his neck- but they scrape bare skin.

Haru must have left it in the car…

But he can’t remember taking it off.

Haruka clicks his tongue in irritation, taking the sign as Makoto slyly telling him he would have to figure this one on his own.

“How is it that even beyond the grave you can still mother me?”

A particularly strong gust of wind blows ever so suddenly, making Haru shiver.

“Sorry.”

Haruka traces his gaze towards the horizon, not looking exactly where he was heading, just knowing he wanted to be alone. He didn’t want to hear the sounds of cars passing him by, he didn’t want to feel people’s gazes on his back as they watched him walk through.

Naturally, Haruka winds up near the ocean. On a rotting old deck that looks like it was beyond repair, sitting cross legged as he watched the soft waves reflecting the pale hues of the beginning of sunrise.

He wonders if Rin is still in the car, watching the sunset from over there.

He wonders if the redhead went after him.

He wonders why it mattered to him so much whether Rin was looking for him.

Haruka huffs, his head a mess of everything and nothing at the same time.

He replays the fight that he and Rin had had minutes ago.

“They aren’t emotionally abusing me into thinking that I’m some- piece of trash that isn’t worth anyone’s time. That’s what’s different.”

Was Rin really right about that?

Well, of course he was- but who was he to say such a thing?

‘A friend,’ Haruka realises grimly, a deep set frown settling onto his monochrome features.

It wasn’t the redhead’s fault that he didn’t know the half of what Haru had been through these past years. He was gone, Haru only had Makoto.

And even then, sometimes the ghost of the real person just wasn’t enough.

Especially when they couldn’t protect him from his parents. They couldn’t stand up for him- to them.

Not that Haruka had wanted that back then, anyway.

At least… he thinks he didn’t.

And then there was Rin. Who, in such a Rin-like way, had gone in- all hot headed and not thinking at all… He told off the very woman that Haruka had been undermined by for oh so many years…

He didn’t even consider the repercussions.

“What an idiot…” Haruka mumbles to himself, feeling the emotions inside him quell ever so slightly. His mind returning to his normal mess of a jigsaw puzzle.

He wonders if it’s because he’s near the ocean after so long, or if it’s because he isn’t angry at Rin anymore.

Either way, it doesn’t really matter to him. He’s calm now. For once.

“I knew I’d find you here.” Says a voice from behind him, slightly out of breath, but a lot more mellow than the last time he’d heard it.

Haruka doesn’t turn, he doesn’t even tense up.

He hears footsteps approach him and then a presence on his right side. And then all of a sudden Rin is dangling his longer legs of the pier just like Haruka.

Rin has his mouth in a nervous line and Haruka can tell he’s still trying to figure out what Haru is feeling. Haruka’s eyes soften as he watches the redhead, the way his eyes glint extra bright under the rays of the new sunshine.

‘That makes the two of us.’

“I brought your scarf.” Rin speaks again, pulling the green fabric from behind his back and presenting it to Haruka.

Haru takes it without another word- but a small smile. The warm gratitude spreading through his veins, completely diminishing any other kind of anger he felt for Rin now.

His eyes now set forward- not on the waves but on the sky above it. Its soft pinks and oranges lighting up the sky in a pastel rainbow. It’s beautiful.

Haru feels himself lean closer to Rin, he feels his head rest lightly on the redhead’s shoulder and he’s not sure if it’s unconscious or not. 

But it doesn’t matter.

He hears Rin’s sharp intake of breath. And can’t help but wonder what it really meant.

Haru couldn’t possibly ask though, no.

Because if Rin answered, he would probably expect an answer from Haruka too.

And he wasn’t ready for that. So he says something else.

“You were right.” Haru whispers, still not looking back at Rin. The man’s shoulder surprisingly comfortable to rest on.  

Maybe he was just tired.

“What do you mean?”

“My parents… They don’t treat me right.”

Rin swallows, “I shouldn’t have interfered, regardless, you’re not my- I don’t have the right to stand up for you when you didn’t ask.”

“It’s okay.”

“Is it?”

“Well… maybe ask first, next time?”

“There’s going to be a next time?”

Haruka frowns, “They’re relentless, Rin- I don’t have- I can’t-“

Rin hushes him. “I’ve got it.”

He says it in the gentlest way that Haruka wants to melt into a puddle.

And though he’s not exactly sure why (he’s just adding to a long list of things…)

He feels comforted despite it all.

“Do you ever wonder how many other people in the world are watching the very same sunrise?” Rin ponders, not to Haruka, really. But more as if he was asking himself- or some apparition in the sky.

Haru responds anyway, and Rin is thankful for about the thousandth time that he does.

A couple of weeks ago, the redhead wouldn’t have never anticipated an answer.

The change that Haruka has gone through these dozens of days, the change that he’s still going through… It amazes Rin to an unknown extent. Because he knows that though he’s acting more like his old self, there’s something extra there that the redhead can’t help but be excited about finding more about it.

“Probably not in the same way you do,” Haruka says quietly, shifting his position ever so slightly.

The surface below them creaks with old age, the rotting wood not having any life left within them at all.

The redhead thinks he should probably suggest that they move, but he doesn’t have the heart to do anything.

He’s too selfish.

He wants to stay like this forever, with Haruka’s head on his shoulder- where nothing is confusing and he doesn’t have to think about home and the mess he left behind.

Haru’s hands card through the scarf he holds in his lap, the scraggy threads flowing through his fingers.

Rin wonders how many times he’s done that these past few years. He wonders if it’s even a conscious gesture by now.

Haruka shivers slightly from the early morning cold, but it seems as if he’s stubborn enough to stay seated here as much as Rin is.

“We should really go…” The redhead says half-heartedly, having no real intention to actually get up.

“Wait until the sun fully rises.” Haru mumbles, his voice quiet, but pleading. Like a child begging for a few more minutes of play.

Rin clicks his tongue affectionately, but he doesn’t say anything else.

So they wait.

Rin’s head nearly drops on the floor when his eyes begin to close, the burden of sitting in one space for such a long time getting to him.

He looks back up at the sky and notices that it’s now a pure blue colour, and Haruka is still staring at the waves.

“Come on,” the redhead chides, reluctant to leave, but excited for the journey ahead of them at the same time. Rin rises to his feet and offers his hand to Haruka.

Haru sighs, lazy to oblige but doing so anyway.

Slowly but surely he is back on his feet, shaking out the numb feeling in his legs from the cold.

He taps his feet on the pier to get the blood pumping through them so he can properly move.

Well, more like he kicks his feet on the pier.

Rin looks at the other and then the rotting deck that they stood on cautiously. A stray piece of drift wood falling into the ocean below. “Haru you probably shouldn-“

Haruka realises his mistake one second too late, and with one last kick onto the dead wood. The entire structure collapses from below them.

Rin catches a singular glimpse of Haru’s face before he goes under water, it’s an expression of panic and disdain.

Rin wonders if his face is anything like that.

It probably was, albeit a lot more… alarmed.   

The redhead is allowed one breath of air before he’s pushed under too. But it’s wasted on an extremely loud curse word.

The freezing cold water wakes him up, that’s for sure. But it’s not like it’s pleasant at all. Haruka’s clothes weigh him down and he hadn’t been in such a large body of water in such a long time…

He gasps in surprise which makes him swallow a mouthful of water. The salty taste of it making his mouth rancid.

He searches for the way up, his neck craning in every direction that he thought was up- looking for the sunlight.

But not for a second does he panic.

He couldn’t do that right now.

He’d promised himself he would never swim again…

But no, this wasn’t swimming. This was- it was survival. A complete accident.

And yet the water flowing around him made him feel guiltier than ever.

Somehow he finds the surface after about a minute. He rises, panting and gasping for oxygen, his arms nearly pure white from the icy water he floats in.

He blows out a mouthful of water that he’d collected and tries to gather his own thoughts.

“Rin?” He calls out, cautiously. Looking through the pieces of debris that had gathered around the shoreline, searching for a red head of hair.

He doesn’t see anything.

Haru feels worry rise up in his throat as he looks in the water, closer this time.

“Rin?” He yells, louder, his body shaking from the cold.

Clicking his tongue when he doesn’t hear any reply, he takes a deep breath and plunges into the deep blue once more.

Haruka didn’t expect a body of water to feel so terrifying to him, not again anyway. He was sure he’d had his fill of rescuing friends from the ocean.

Straining his eyes to open, Haruka looks into the murky abyss, pushing his body further and further down. His heart beating faster and faster.

He tries to remind himself to be calm. To be cool. But it just wasn’t happening. Not when he didn’t know where Rin was.

All of a sudden a hand yanks him out of the depths and he’s prematurely breathing in more air into his lungs.

He struggles against the hold, not having any idea on who it could be-

He goes still.

Haruka looks once more into the panicked, shivering face of Rin.

He doesn’t feel the cold anymore, he just feels relief.

“Haru!” The redhead shouts, his lip quivering. “I was looking for you!”

Haruka’s eyes widens. “Well I was looking for you.”

“Thank God…” Rin whispers, ignoring Haru’s previous comment.

Haru doesn’t say much else. As he watches Rin speak for a while more. Reassuring himself that Rin is okay, that he’s alive.

He couldn’t lose someone else.

Haruka bites his lip.

“You’re turning blue, come on let’s get out of here.” Rin grabs onto Haruka’s arm again and drags him to the shore.

Haru wants to mention that Rin isn’t looking too hot himself, but doesn’t say it out loud.

They fall upon the shore, their chests heaving.

“Holy shit.” Rin mumbles to himself, lying upon the dirty sand along the coastline. “That pier was a real deckhead.”

Haruka looks over at him, his eyes narrowing.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.”

Rin grins, nudging the other with his foot.

“That’s how I cope with terrifying situations now. Come on, that was hilarious.”

“No, that was the worst.”

“Rot did you just say?”

“Stop.”

“Come on~ I can sea you want to smile~!”

Haru sighs. “Water the odds of you shutting up?”

Rin squints at him before smiling. “Ayyyy.”

Haru huffs. “Come on, there’s blankets in the car.”

“Oh man, you know what sounds really good right now?” Asks Rin, completely ignoring him again.

Haruka raises his eyebrow.

“Hot chocolate.”

Haruka closes his eyes and thinks of such a thing and nearly gets choked up about how amazing it seems.

“We still need to go back to the car to get money.”

Rin nods, “back to the car it is!”

Haru smiles at the redhead’s indifference to the near death experience. His mind clouding with thoughts on how Rin could make him feel better with a couple of terrible jokes for now.

He could think on something other things in the future. For now, he was perfectly comfortable by Rin’s side.

The two are later seen in a nearby coffee shop, swaddled in old blankets, drinking the most steaming hot cups of hot chocolate that money could buy.

They get a lot of odd looks, but at the very least, they beat hypothermia for another day.

And so what would have been a several hour journey to the land of Switzerland then turned into a two day affair.

Chapter Text

“We’re finally here!” Rin exclaims, smiling at the landscape ahead of them. His breath blowing out in front of him because of the bitter cold. It was growing closer to the end of November and it was below freezing. The redhead found himself hugging his arms around his chest just to try and keep a little bit warm.

Haurka, on the other hand, seemed completely fine.

He just looked on at the snowy mountain tops a few miles away and couldn’t help ignoring the weather to feel amazed at such a sight.

So much so that he doesn’t even say anything snarky to Rin in a comeback.

It was something that had begun to come back naturally to Haru. Tiny little tid-bits of sass that he used to hold for Rin and Rin only seemed to be returning with the same dryness it used to.

Rin couldn’t seem to figure out if he was happy about it or not.

So he remained undecided.

“It’s so beautiful.” The redhead murmurs again, suddenly by Haruka's side. The icy wind blowing at his hair.  

“Yeah.”

The tension that had once been between them had drifted away with the waves along the coastline of Italy once they had entered the car. Haru had no intentions of being mad any longer than he ought to this time and forgave Rin silently for the mild invasion of privacy. The redhead had only wanted what was best, and Haru saw that now. And he knew Rin wouldn’t try it again- but it wasn’t as if he regretted his decision for intervening.

Haruka didn’t mind that... The tiniest bit of himself a little bit happy for being defended.

Not that he’d ever admit that. Rin would get far too cocky about it.

They’d spent the remainder of the rather long car trip talking.

Well, more like Rin was talking and Haru was answering sometimes.

It wasn’t as if Haruka was ever talkative to begin with, so the redhead didn’t pay much mind to it at the time.

However, if he’d looked a little further into Haru’s impenetrable mask he might have seen a nervous storm brewing in Haruka’s head.  The moments they inched closer to their destination the more anxious Haru seemed to get.

The second one problem is solved, another one just seemed to arise. Haruka cursed his luck.

‘Rin’s going to expect me to swim when we get there, isn’t he?’

Haruka bit his lip, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to get away with any kind of normal reason as to why he didn’t want to swim. He was terrible at lying most of the time and he didn’t trust himself to make up a decent enough excuse.

‘Oh great Gods or whoever is out there… Why did I have to take notice at a pool in front of Rin?’

He should have just said something to the redhead… Right?

He would understand?

Or would he?

Haruka, for the longest of times has loved water more than life itself. If Rin finally picks up that he’s gone astray from that, surely he’s going to ask.

Haru knew how persistent Rin was.

Haru tried to maintain his calm by looking at the mountain tops, it was working, in a strange kind of way. The cool air seemed to work its way into his mind and clear some of the thoughts he’d been pondering.

Yet still he was conflicted on what he should do.

Rin doesn’t waste much time looking at the mountainside, however, he quickly whips out the very same brochure from Italy and begins scouting the area.

Haru cringes. Rin loved swimming as much as he did. Of course this was fate.

 “Now the hotel villa place should be around here somewhere… What was it called again Honan-?Honir?

“Honegg.” Haru interjects offhandedly, still looking at the mountainsides.

“Right, so we should be right…” Rin takes a few steps to his right and then turns around to his left. He gestures to the only hotel looking fixture in the entire area. “Here!”

“No kidding.”

“Shut up, Haru.”

Haruka clicks his tongue but says nothing further in retort, rather amused at how irritated Rin was. Forgetting for a moment about the complication at hand.

It was odd how Rin could do that to him…

“Come on, let’s go see if they have room for us right away! I want to go in that pool!”

Haru winces weakly, a ruse “It’s so cold though.”

Rin frowns, he hadn’t felt it at all beforehand. “I’ve seen you break through sheets of ice to swim in a dirty old lake.”

Haruka doesn’t say anything in return. Knowing for sure that the redhead was onto him now.  

Rin’s concerned expression only deepens, but he doesn’t stop unloading the car. Which, thankfully only consists of two rather large suitcases, two backpacks and a lot of empty coffee cups.

“Ugh,” Rin’s nose turns up in disgust at the sight of the rubbish.

Haru watches the redhead for a while but once he fumbles over the two backpacks- he finally decides to help. As he probably should have already.

Well, if he wasn’t so reluctant to get inside that hotel.

If he wasn’t so… uneasy to get into a pool again.

Luckily, or unluckily for Haruka. They get a room for all but one night in the grand hotel in the beginning of winter in Switzerland.

Haru can tell Rin is worried now, which is making him all that more uneasy about the entire situation.

He wanted to tell the redhead why he felt so uncomfortable about willingly going into a pool again, but it just…

It was so complicated. It was dangerous.

Haruka sighed from behind Rin who was looking out the window in their room.

The redhead obviously hears him and turns to face him. Knowing full well he couldn’t avoid this conflict for too much longer now, he’d have to at least try and get an answer from Haruka.

In this state… Not swimming… It just wasn’t Haru.

This just seemed to be the next step to the plan and Rin wasn’t sure if he was ready for it or not.

But then again, Haru probably wasn’t either.

It seemed like the two of them would have to go into this blind, kicking a screaming all the way.

But like hell would Rin ever pass up a chance to swim in a pool as amazing as this with Haru right by his side. It was another push that he never even knew existed.

“Haru.” Rin says calling the other to his attention. His voice was quiet- but Haru could detect the worry in it.

He couldn’t keep quiet about this anymore.

Haruka looks up warily, like he knew what Rin would say next. And he really wasn’t going to enjoy it at all.

“I kind of… noticed that you haven’t been wanting to swim- not just today- but ever since we went on this trip. I mean, I know you probably haven’t done it in a while but I just don’t understand why.” Rin explained, his voice getting oddly emotional. Why was he getting emotional? How stupid of him…

‘It involves Haru and swimming, what else did you expect?’ His mind chides at him.

Haruka seems to notice the bout too and swallows. Knowing his rather terrible cover was blown.

But still, he denied.

 “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not only that… You turn your nose up at mackerel, you avert your eyes when you see anything to do with water when you can help it. I’ve noticed.”

“So?”

“Why!?”

Haruka looks away, feeling defensive. “It’s none of your business.”

“Haru, it’s like a part of you is missing.”

“A part of me is missing.” Haruka snaps, meeting Rin’s gaze all over again.

The redhead bites his lip, his eyebrows furrowing. Not knowing at all how to continue this confrontation without it turning into another screaming match- which he would definitely win.

“I just want to help you…” Rin whispers, quiet, almost as if it’s to himself.

“I’m not a charity case.”

“I know you’re not. You’re my friend!”

“Then why are you treating me like something fragile- something breakable?”

“I was never-“

“You walk on eggshells around me. I can tell.”

Haruka was changing the subject. He was nervous. Rin knows he has to steer them back on track.

“I’ve never done that, Haru.”

“You bend to my every whim, Rin, do you really think you would have done all of this if- if he wasn’t gone?”

The redhead doesn’t want to answer so he just looks down at his feet. The tense silence once again stagnating the air.

“You know I’m right…” Haruka mumbles, his fists clenched ever so slightly.

“Fine. Let’s make a deal.”

“What?”

“A deal. I’ll stop ‘walking on eggshells around you’ if you tell me why you’re so against all the things you used to love!”

The redhead sighed inwardly ‘That’s stupid.’

Haruka huffed, “That’s stupid.”

Rin blinked, tired and frustrated that his last ditch plan had fallen flat on its own face. Maybe yelling really was all the redhead was good at...

And prying into people’s business, apparently.

“Haru, I just want to try and figure out why you don’t want to do these things anymore. Please… Just let me in.”

Haruka looks regretful. “I… I can’t.”

“Why?”

Haru is silent for a few moments, debating with his mind whether or not to speak at all.

His common sense wins.

 “You might hate me.”

Rin raises his eyebrows, not anticipating that answer. “Haru… I could never hate you- believe me, I’ve tried.”

“No, I can’t.”

“Why would I hate you?”

“No.”

“Haru-“

“No!” Haruka shouts- his eyes blowing wide. The worst thing in the world for him was when people wouldn’t drop uncomfortable subjects.

He didn’t know what to say when it happened.

His mouth moved on his own.

Which was what terrified him.

“Please just tell me I want to figure one thing out for myself- please-“

Haruka looks the most conflicted Rin has ever seen him, his eyes screwed tight as if he was focusing on what was going on in his brain.

“Haru, does this has something to do with Makoto-“

“Of course it has something to do with Makoto!”

“Then what is it? What is so secret that you can’t say it? Why do you have to torture yourself? I know how badly you have to restrain yourself, I’ve seen it in your eyes. But for what reason?”

“I don’t deserve to swim anymore, I don’t deserve to eat mackerel or anything like that. I’m a monster…“ Haru finally blurts, his voice so quiet the redhead only just hears him.

Rin wants to disagree with him so strongly right now, but he knows this would be the only time for answers.  So he presses further, knowing full well that either Haru will hate him afterwards or he’d do it himself.

“Because?” The redhead steps forward, his hands settling on Haruka’s shoulders.

Haru doesn’t look up at him. He stays silent.

“Because?” Rin repeats again, his mind going to a million places at once. Trying to solve this mystery of a puzzle himself.

What would cause Haru to do this?

And why did the subject make him so uncomfortable…

Why did he come with so many secrets?

“Haru-“ Rin begins, his voice rising in frustration.

Why couldn’t he figure this out himself? Why was he so useless?

He wanted to cry out of desperation.

“…Why?” Rin ends, knowing yelling wouldn’t solve the situation but unable to withhold the slightest bit from trickling into his chest.

But this just seemed to be how they handled things, he and Haru. Even before- it was either this or a lot more crying.

And Rin felt like there might be both at the rotten end of this one.

He shakes in the redhead’s hold. But not out of fear.

It’s rage.

Rin isn’t scared. “Haru, you-“

“It’s because I killed Makoto!” Haruka shouts, his face shrouded in so much anger that Rin can barely comprehend what he actually says. “Are you happy now?! Now that I told you?”  

The redhead stands there, frozen as he processes the words, watching Haruka’s face in shocked curiosity.

Almost like a marionette puppet, Haruka’s expression goes dim once more. Haru falls to his knees, slumping over himself. Curling up into a ball before the redhead.

 “I killed him Rin, it’s all my fault…”

Chapter Text

Christmas was never all that special to Haruka. Then again it was never all that special to anyone in the Eastern world. Japan, especially.

But for some reason, Makoto was absolutely enthralled with it.

Every year, ever since they were kids even. Makoto would get so excited about presents and cookies and Christmas trees that it almost seemed normal to Haru now.

Almost.

For some reason he just couldn’t get his head around the holiday. Or more specifically, he couldn’t get his head around on why Makoto loved it so much.

Was it not just silly stories for children?

Haru remembered asking him once but the brunet had never really given him a straight answer.

Maybe he just didn’t know himself.

Haru watched the man now, placing all of his wrapped presents under that giant fir tree he insisted on getting. Looking to the world like he was going to explode with anticipation.

“Makoto?”

The brunet looks up now though, not caught up in his own world unlike Haru would be.

He always did have a clear head.  

“What is it, Haru?”

“Why do you like Christmas so much?”

Makoto smiles, his expression calculating but kind.

“I think I told you this before but… I’m not really sure why. I just- I really like giving people presents- I like their surprise when they open up a box and get something they really like.”

“Why does it have to be Christmas though?”
“It’s not as weird I guess.”

Haru snorts, “I don’t know, it’s still kind of weird. We are in Japan.”

Makoto just shrugs, placing more presents under the tree. “I guess you’re right.”  He mumbles, looking like he had another thought on his mind now.

It was strange seeing his expression change like that. Haru frowns, but waits for Makoto to speak again. Knowing he would eventually spit it out if it was important.

After all these years of being an inseparable pair- it would be weird not to.

“When… was the last time you spoke with your parents, Haru?”

Oh.

That’s what he wanted to say.

Haruka raises his eyebrows at the question, Makoto never usually being so blunt. It must mean it was weighting very heavily on the brunet’s mind. God knows why.

“Why do you ask?” Haru replies, haughty.

“Well… I don’t know.” Makoto sighs, ruffling his hair uncomfortably. Knowing full well this was a ‘delicate’ subject that Haru didn’t like bringing attention to. “I was just kind of thinking about families and stuff as the holidays came around and my mind just went there.”

“I think it’s been about two and a half years.” Haru answers in detached tone.

The brunet looks at Haru, slightly concerned as per usual. “Do you miss them?”

“Can we stop talking about this?”

“If you miss them, Haru, you can tell me.”
“Just drop it, Makoto.” Haru replies dangerously.

Makoto slinks back like a kicked puppy but doesn’t want to stop.

“Do you regret dating me?”

Haruka gaze softens, of course Makoto would think to blame himself.

“No, of course not.”

“But you lost the only family you had left because of me.”

This wasn’t the first discussion that he and Makoto had had of this nature. But it was certainly the most persistent. Haru was getting irritated.

“They weren’t family, they weren’t anything.”

“Haru! They were your mother and father.”

“Makoto, you don’t understand, you have parents who love you. I don’t.” Haru bites, with a little more venom than he thought.

Makoto cringes, “I’m sorry. I just… when you talk of them you look like another person and I was so sure it was because you missed them-“
“Well it’s not.” Haruka interrupts, his chest filling with an unfamiliar anger that only seemed to arise when someone wouldn’t drop an uncomfortable subject.

The brunet frowns, nodding as he stands up from the floor. “Haru you can’t go on like this.”

“I’m fine, Makoto.”

“I hear you call for them in your sleep.”

Haruka stands too, raising his head slightly to meet the brunet’s height.

“Then you must be mistaken.”

“Haru-“

“Makoto, you don’t get to nag me on this,” Haruka begins his voice rising ever so slightly. Second guessing his own emotions.

It pissed him off.

“Haru, you’re not-“

“Just- let me figure this out by myself I don’t need you, I never have!”

Makoto freezes at those words, his expression turning blank.

Haru bites his tongue, knowing he had gone too far. Makoto was just trying to help after all…

Guilt pools in Haruka’s chest and he doesn’t meet the brunet’s eyes.

“I’m going to go for a drive.” Makoto says, quietly this time, turning away from Haru.

Haru’s mind seemed to scream at him to tell the man to stop, but his own rotten stubbornness prevented him from doing so.

He let Makoto go.

About three hours later he gets a call.

Makoto was rushed into hospital after turning a bend too fast.

An hour later, he dies. With no one by his side.

Haru doesn’t make it to see the light run out of his eyes, but he’s sure it looks just the way it did when Haruka told him he never needed him.

Rin hadn’t seen Haru since the funeral, he hadn’t come back to practice since and was declining every call that the redhead sent his way. Sousuke had told him that he’d wanted some space- as did his own mother. Yet, Rin was this close to marching over to his house to do- something, anything. It was better than silence.

That’s when he sees him. At the edge of the pool.

He looks so much worse.

Haruka’s definitely lost even more weight, you can see the hollows of his cheeks- how they round around the dark circles below his eyes. He’s pale and the colour in his eyes, that deep blue hue, is almost completely grey.

He’s a monochrome painting, stripped of any colour at all.

He doesn’t look at Rin. He all but floats over to their coach’s side, who regards him with the same wary gaze.

Haru doesn’t say much of anything but Rin can tell Haruka’s not going to be back here. He’s given up swimming now.

He’s given up.

Rin’s heart is in his throat as he watches Haru turn his back.

And unconsciously he reaches forward, he grabs for Haruka’s arm.

Haru still doesn’t look at him, he just shrugs Rin’s hand off of him.

“Haru? What are you doing?”

“Leave me alone.” Haruka says, oh so softly, looking down at the floor. Before turning his back once more.

“Haru-“

“Don’t do this.” Haruka pleads, “I don’t need you feeling sorry for me. I don’t need you”

“I’m not-“

Haru doesn’t let him finish before he’s out of the door again.

Rin doesn’t go after him.

There was no comfort in this world that could help how he was feeling right now. Haruka was walking grief and Rin was the most conflicted he had ever been in his life.

Rin doesn’t notice at first but all of the team’s eyes seem to be on him and Haru’s back.

“He must have really loved that boy…” A swimmer murmurs, probably reminiscent of the dozens of times he’d seen the brunet’s smiling face picking up Haru from practice.

And they’re right, so right.

Rin realises now, that without a doubt in his mind that there was never any possibility that Haruka could have loved him that way.

Haru and Makoto’s love was like sunlight, warm and certain. There was never any doubt that it wouldn’t be there. It just was.

Rin’s love for Haru was more like a candle. It burnt bright and fast, but only on one side.

And eventually it fades out, sooner or later. Left with half of what it originally was or nothing at all…

A couple of days of hapless callings to Haruka’s phone later Rin finally goes back to Australia to continue his training there.

 Running away yet again, running away from Haru, and running away from his feelings.

Running away from the dark parts of his life that he’d rather forget.

And he hates himself every single day- but he doesn’t see Haruka again for another three years. Convinced that if Haru said he didn’t need him, he didn’t.

God, he was so stupid.

If Rin had read through the lines just this once, he would have known that this was the time Haru needed him the most.

They were both too blind with different kinds of sorrow and distraction to ever realise.

Rin listens to Haru telling the story of Makoto’s final night on this Earth with baited breath and an aching heart. The redhead can’t see the other’s face but he can tell by the way that Haru is currently talking that this is the first time he’s ever had to do this.

This is the first time anyone has cared to get the information out of him.

Christmas… That’s right, Rin realises with a reminiscent kind of sadness.

Makoto always did love Christmas… Rin always remembered how the brunet would go out shopping for a present for Haru first. Because ‘he was always the hardest to buy for,’ but Rin always knew it was because Makoto always wanted to get him something special.

It was that kind of sweetness that not only did Makoto have an abundance of, but Rin severely lacked- the kind of thought that went into every gesture the brunet did for Haruka for all of those years.

Rin held this trip on a much lower scale than in all of that.

But if Haruka opened up his heart to Rin- his words shaking with emotion again just like this.

Rin knew that no matter what he thought, no matter what he felt or even how their relationship would end up after this.

It was all small in retrospect to this big picture.

“That’s probably why you heard me apologising so many times In my sleep…” Haruka sighs, his shoulder slumping forward, utterly defeated from all of the memories he had just had to relieve.

And finally, after what felt like an eternity. He meets Rin’s gaze.

The redhead almost wishes that he hadn’t.

It’s nothing like he’d ever seen on Haru before. The expression felt so out of place on his face that Rin had to do a double take.

He couldn’t quite put a word on such a thing- The closest thing that came to mind would probably be agony.

He really did blame himself for Makoto’s death. Even if it was delusional.

Maybe that was why he couldn’t properly move on.

The thought that Haruka had no one to tell him that he was wrong all these years struck another rod of searing hot guilt into Rin’s heart.

It was too much for Rin to take.

“Haru…” The redhead murmurs, drawing closer. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is.” He argues back, the two words coming across to the redhead like some kind of moniker. Probably something that Haru had told himself was the truth for three whole years. “It is and I know it.”

“Haru,” Rin begins once more, kneeling to fully meet the eyes of the other crouching man. He takes one of Haruka’s hands that had been wrapped around his own legs and squeezes it. “You put this blame on yourself because you’re guilty of the things you said before Makoto left. I understand, everyone feels guilty about things that could have been done better… But, Haru, you can’t change the past. Believe me I know.”

Haruka is silent for now, his shining eyes calculating what Rin was saying.

“You can’t keep torturing yourself for the sake of someone who would want you to do the complete opposite! Do you really think Makoto would want you to stop swimming? To stop eating your favourite foods? To give up your dream?”

Haru doesn’t answer so Rin does it for him.

“Of course not! Because Makoto was the kindest, nicest guy who couldn’t hold a grudge against anyone even if there was a perfectly good reason.”

It still felt weird to use past tense on the subject of Makoto.

Rin grabs both of Haru’s hands now, “I know it will definitely take some time to get every shred of blame out of your head. I know it from experience. But time heals wounds, no matter how deep they are, you just have to let them by not being so fucking stubborn for once.”

The redhead breathes out, his ramblings already rendering Haruka well into a silence.

Rin didn’t mind. He didn’t want to hear the terrible tremor in his voice anymore.

It takes another minute or so, of pure silence for Haruka to speak again.

“I…” He begins, his hands shaking slightly. “I want to swim, Rin. I want to swim with you.”

 Rin’s eyes dart upward, in disbelief of what he had just heard. “You- what?”

“I want to swim now, no- I need to.” There’s a shuttering determination in his mind that makes Rin’s heart light up in flames. “I- He would have wanted me to swim.”

Haru stutters more than he ever has in his life, his mind going into overdrive over everything that Rin had said. He was questioning everything and it was terrifying.

And yet he felt like he needed to do this.

For himself? He wasn’t sure.

Maybe it was his way of making some kind of start into no longer blaming himself for the loss of Makoto. The uncertainty in his heart only quivered with the thought, but it was all he needed.

It wouldn’t hurt to try. Especially if Rin was by his side.

In borrowed costumes and trembling legs, Haruka walks determinedly to the pool. He’s scared, so scared. And he doesn’t even know why.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Haru.” Rin hummed beside him, still wary of Haruka’s thoughts but buzzing with anticipation.

“I want to do this.” Haruka repeats, more for himself than to Rin. He’s in a trance ever since Rin put those conflicting words in his head. It was like he was a robot that had been programmed to see the world one way- and then told it was completely wrong.

It felt strange.

It takes another fifteen minutes. Haru looks down at the beautifully clear water of the pool and feels the most melancholy he’s felt in a long time. The two conflicts in his head rushing at him. Pushing at his brain.

He doesn’t listen.

He just jumps. He dives into the blue abyss of the pool, his form as cut as a diamond. Like he had never left in the first place.

The sight takes Rin’s breath away and he has to remind himself to go in after his companion.

He does.

He grins and he dives straight in. The bubbling trail Haru’s invitation to follow him.

The water was as alive as it used to be. It felt different but the same- it no longer felt like home as such but it still felt like a part of Haru.

Not swimming for so long, It was a piece of Haruka that had gone missing. He hadn’t realised how he’d missed it. He’d been too busy torturing himself.

It was so clear and cold- Haru didn’t want to leave.

It wasn’t anything like his fall at the pier with Rin. That felt freezing and intrusive, it felt wrong and it had left Haruka in a spiral of insanity a couple hours after, when he’d realised what he’d done.

But as he glides through the pool, there was almost no guilt at all.

His lungs give out soon enough though and Haruka rises to get another breath.

Rin is hanging off the side of the pool when he surfaces. Looking out at the mountaintops with a wry smile on his face. There’s water dripped everywhere from his hair but it doesn’t bother him at all.

“I knew you could do it.” The redhead speaks carefully, not looking back at Haruka just yet.

It doesn’t take long to realise that Rin’s eyes are shining a little too much. Haru then sees that some of the moisture dropping onto the redhead’s face were tears. Happy and warm- flowing down Rin’s cheeks and for once, Rin didn’t hide them.

“Do you want to race?” Haru says from behind, not knowing quite what else to do.

“You didn’t even have to ask.”

Chapter Text

The two don’t stay in Switzerland for too long after that. They both are restless in the biting winter snow as it grows closer and closer to the twenty-fifth of December. Rin is itching to be travelling somewhere else, there’s a fire in his eyes again that makes Haru’s heart light up. A shameless flicker in a part of his soul he hasn’t felt in the longest of times.  

Anticipation?

All of a sudden a spark arises in Haru’s own eyes to mirror Rin’s and they both collectively know that it was time to go see other sights they’ve never seen before.

Together.

Haru doesn’t go in the pool again, but it’s a start at least. He thinks about it all the time, how the water caressed his skin, a bittersweet kiss that he’d longed for all these years. Haruka remembered the sights he saw outside of the deep blue- the mountainside, the sun, the only prominent light in what felt like the universe. He sees Rin too, he sees the redhead look at him like he’d just done something magnificent.

Haru knows it’s all because of Rin that he did it in the first place, and yet he can’t find the right way to thank him.

Hell, he doesn’t even know why he bothered with a tragic case like Haru’s own anyway.

But he does know, that sooner rather than later. Rin would tell him. He always did.

At least, Haru hoped so.

Rin knows how far Haruka must have gone to dive into that water and he doesn’t make a move to do anything different. He doesn’t push because he knows that these things take time and it must have been hard for Haruka.

Actually, he knew it had been hard for Haru. He hadn’t mentioned it at all but…

The nightmares- they changed for Haru after that. Even with Rin sleeping beside him almost every night now, giving into that temptation. The apparitions and visions playing hide and seek in his head seem to alter the dreams he had for the first time since Makoto’s death.

And worst of all, he couldn’t remember at all what they were about. He just knew that there was Rin.

Always Rin.  Always leaving.

And he had no idea why it terrified him so. He just knew that something had triggered this. Some kind of realisation that his head hadn’t caught up with yet.

But he doesn’t ask Rin. He doesn’t wish to.

Instead, he just embraces the chatter that Rin gives him. The snarky comebacks and the constant badgering and jabs.

No pity. Not in Rin’s eyes. That’s what made Haruka’s resolve crumble in the end. The walls he’d just finished building up had been compromised ever since the redhead bashed on his door.

Haru wants to tell him how much it means to him.

And he will. He assures himself.

Soon.

“Come on, don’t you want a little vengeance since I beat you?” The redhead teases, nudging Haru with his forearm as he grips the steering wheel. Not meaning a word of it, really.

Though he was kind of happy he beat Haru in their little race at the hotel pool.

Not that it was at all fair.

It didn’t stop Rin. Never did. The man was ruthless no matter who his opponent was.

Haruka brushes him off gently, “I’ll let you have your little victory for a while longer.”

Rin huffs at the haughty answer, “You cocky bastard.”

Haru smirks just the slightest bit. “So have you decided where we’re going next?”

“Oui, oui, Mon amie.” Rin answers.

“Let me guess… France?” The other deadpans.

“No good?”

“I’ve never been.”

“Me neither.”

“Makoto always wanted to go, actually.” Haru mentions thoughtfully, like an afterthought. He doesn’t sound sad about it though, just reminiscent. Rin thought it strange but said no more- not wanting to start anything he didn’t want to finish.

 Haru just stares absentmindedly outside the window. Makoto had wanted to go try all the chocolate desserts at the patisseries…

“Haru, we don’t have to go-“

“No, I want to go with you.”

A sharp inhale of breath from Rin, like the answer had wounded him so. “You sure?”

Haruka nods. Looking out into the scenery, his mouth pressed into a wavering line- yet he was content.

He tried not to think about the deep inhale the redhead had taken when Haru had spoken. He tried to not think about what it could mean.

Deny. Deny. Deny.

“The hotel keeper guy- he said that we have to wait an hour or so while our room is getting ready… I think. I’m still pretty shitty at every language other than English and Japanese.” Rin informs Haru as they dawdle around the streets of the outskirts in a port land of France. The sky going purple, about to go to sleep for the night.

Rin wishes he could do the same, but alas. Watching the sunset for another night with Haru was definitely not the worst thing in the world.

They’d decided to stop here- Haru didn’t like driving around at night, it made him tense. Rin was more than happy to comply- he wasn’t all that fond of it either. Too stressful.

Haru frowns slightly before looking out onto the waves. His blue eyes slowly growing more content as he stared at the abyss. “Do you want to walk around the beach then?” He suggests, already imaging the soft sand on his feet.

He wasn’t ready for another swim just yet.

But maybe just a few waves lapping at his feet would do him good.

Haru always did love the smell of sea salt on his skin. It reminded him of home in Iwatobi- of all the sunny afternoons at the beach.

He hadn’t been back there in the longest of times…

“Sounds good.”

They end up watching the remnants of the sun drift away together, the action becoming a reoccurrence that never ceased to amaze the two of them. Shoulder to shoulder with their ankles deep in the salty ocean water. Strands of their own hair whipping their cheeks as the dying sunlight glints at them. Winking coyly as it says a final goodnight before disappearing in the horizon.

Rin takes his gaze off the sky- the star getting too bright for his own liking.

Only for a split second does he look at Haruka. It’s only a split second, but it’s enough.

He can’t seem to look away after that.

It’s Haru.

His eyes looked like they did when they used to look at a pool. The glassy river in his irises storming with amazement at the sight before him. His mouth is slightly parted, his hair, wild by the growing wind around them.

He looked so beautiful.

He looked so-

“Haru.” Rin murmurs, his mind in a daze as he stared.

No sunset could compare with this.

Nothing ever could. No matter how much Rin denied.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing.

He doesn’t know…

Rin rests his hand on the other’s chin. His own eyes heavily lidded as he leans down ever so slightly. His mind in a trance as his emotions take over.

He does something he promised to himself he would never allow himself to do. Years upon years of self-restraint crumbling to ashes with one movement.

Rin kisses him.

He pulls him in just as a wave begins to crash down heavy around them- and he forgets everything. He forgets everything important and every instinct telling him that this is so wrong.

All there is- Is Haru. The dark haired recluse that he couldn’t never forget about no matter how much he tried. The one he couldn’t hate for the life of him.

Rin couldn’t stop falling in love with him. Not ever.

It’s what makes him weak and powerful all at once.

Haruka Nanase was Rin’s biggest downfall and his greatest strength.

And the man himself didn’t even know.       

Haruka freezes upon the touch, his body going frigid for the briefest of seconds before he-

Before he leans into the redhead’s embrace.

He returns Rin’s kiss for the shortest of moments- the sweetness impossible to escape for too long.

Rin tastes like coffee- like the rain… he tastes like the home Haru hasn’t felt in a long time.

Haruka’s hands reach for Rin’s face, the curve of his jaw razor sharp from nerves and then-

Another wave laps around at their feet- crashing upon them along with their own minds.

They both realise the fatal error they have so foolishly made.

Haruka’s the first to push away. He shoves the redhead harshly away from him, like he was stung by electrical shocks. His hand closing over his mouth like he’d been poisoned.

Rin looks shocked for the briefest of seconds. Then hurt and then regretful.

His eyes blow wide as he regains his senses, his heart pounding in his chest.

His tongue stutters, unable to get the words out quick enough. “Haru, I’m so sor-“

Haruka takes one step back and then another. His expression so terrified that another tonne of bricks hit Rin square in the chest.

Rin reaches out for him regardless. He wouldn’t let him go. Not like this. Not ever.

“Wait-“
Haruka’s movements become more erratic, his hands shaking as he backs away. His face like a deer in headlights.

“Why?” He mumbles, his eyes twitching as his arms curl around himself under the dark green scarf he always carried.

“Haru, I didn’t mean to.” Rin says reassuringly, putting up his hand to try and make peace with the situation. His own mind rushing a million miles a minute.

“Why did you take me to all these places, Rin? Was it to- to do this?” Haruka cries frantically, his voice going the highest pitch Rin’s ever heard from the other. “You never said why you just suddenly showed up at my place that night. It could have been anyone else- but it was me. You-“

Haru goes still, his skin goes pale.

The looks on Rin’s face when he told him Makoto and he were dating. The way he left- How he showed up to tell him something.

Something he never knew.

Something stopped him from talking that day-

“You-“ Haru breathes, the realisation hitting him harder than a thunderstorm. “That day all those years ago- You ran away crying.”

Rin freezes up, a stormy expression crosses across his face. “Y-you remember that?”

“Makoto knew! He knew all this time- he never told me.”

There’s tears in Haruka’s eyes now.

Rin’s never seen him cry.

He never wanted to.

“He went to sort it out, I never second guessed him. I- Rin why didn’t you say anything?”

Rin looks terrified. “Didn’t say anything about what?”

Instead of drawing back, Haru gets close all of a sudden. A strong rage tying him towards the redhead. Grabbing Rin by his collar. “I never knew, Rin, I never knew that-“

“What?”

Haru’s eyes are filling with desperation and so much guilt and it hurts.

Rin sighs, deep and exasperated. His head falling down to rest on Haru’s tensed shoulder.

“So you finally figured it out.” He laughs, “Idiot… I tried so hard to make sure too…”

“Why would you do that?!” Haruka yells- furiously miserable upon the realisation. Letting go of the redhead’s collar and wrapping his arms around him this time. Not sure if it was to comfort himself or Rin.

He couldn’t think straight.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Haruka cries, his words coming out in gulps. He must look ridiculous right now.

But Rin doesn’t say anything about it.

“You were happy, I never wanted to change that.”

Haruka hates himself.

“Rin, I made you do all those things for me, and you just did it despite your own feelings. I’m so sorry, I-I never knew.”

Rin doesn’t say anything else, knowing there was something else Haru wanted to say. It was on the tip of his tongue.

Two words, a question. One that Rin had been asking himself too.

“How long?”

A sharp inhale of breath.

“As long as I can remember.”

The redhead bites his lip, a weird weight being lifted off his chest. And after such a long time of having it crushing him...

He feels tonnes lighter. In the most terrible way.

It’s so relieving he starts crying too. His mind overloaded with new feelings. He feels numb. “I was willing to never let you know if that’s what it would take.”

Haru sniffs, “That’s stupid.”

Rin inhales, “Well. I’m stupid.”

“Is that why you wanted to take me to see the world? Because you-“

“It was never like that.” Rin murmurs, “It had nothing to do with the fact that I was- no,” he stops himself, “That I’m in love with you. It had to do with the fact that I finally got my act together to go and see you again and be a decent friend for once.”

The redhead felt weird being so blunt with him after all this time.

It was freeing.

“You’ve always been a decent friend. You thought this up, after all.”

Rin sighs, “This wasn’t exactly all my idea.”

Haru withdraws from their embrace for a second to look at the redhead, his reddened eyes looking ridiculous next to his slightly raised eyebrows.

“I guess it’s finally time I told you the first part of my story, right?”

Chapter Text

Rin fiddles with his hands as he waits for his ride to pick him up from the airport and can’t help but reminisce on the last time he’d been in this predicament.

Haru had picked him up that time- or more so that he had stood there, dazed in the waiting bay as Rin caught his attention.

The redhead snickers at the thought of it for a brief second before his expression sobers.

That had been about three years ago now, he thought dimly.

Far too long.

“Rin.”

The redhead looks up at the sound of his name being called- knowing he had been caught up in his own thoughts this time. He felt embarrassed.

“Hi Sousuke,” Rin smiles, regardless, “been too long.”

The taller man nods, grinning fondly. “I think your mother was doting on me in your place.”

The redhead laughs- his mother, Akane Matsuoka was a strong, firm woman. But was always caring to the point of smothering, she always thought of Sousuke as a third child. And never seemed to give him a say in it.

Of course, Rin was never neglectful- he did call his mother. Just as he did with Sousuke… But he supposed it just wasn’t the same. Rin could tell.

“Yeah, well since Gou moved out- She doesn’t have any idea what to do.” Rin comments, standing up from his seat to stand by Sousuke’s side.

“You should go visit her.”

“Ugh, she put you up to this, didn’t you?”

“Maybe.”
“You’re such a softie.”

Sousuke grunts indignantly, picking up one of Rin’s suitcases for him and shuffling off without another word.

The drive to Sousuke’s apartment is light. They talk about nonsensical things- how Rin’s swimming is going. How Sousuke’s work as a police officer is going. It’s nice. It’s airy.

They don’t talk about Makoto.

They haven’t in a long time.

It seemed to be a taboo nowadays- it seemed to remind the both of them that he wasn’t there anymore.

Then it reminded Rin of Haru and of his crushing guilt- he hadn’t seen him in years.

So many months of torture for the redhead. He could only hope that Haru was doing better in his absence.

All the while knowing he probably wasn’t.

And yet, those words that Haru said to him the day he quit the team seemed to echo in his head every time he tried to pick up the phone.

That, in the end is what stopped him until now.

Sousuke’s house is small, but comfortable. Rin doesn’t glance at the man’s room. Knowing it was the very same one he locked himself up in all that time ago.

Everything was just as he recalled it and it’s almost eerie.

The one thing he doesn’t expect, however. Is his mother and sister.

They come around from the kitchen corner, yelling a cacophony of ‘Surprise!’ and ‘Rin!’

Rin’s enveloped in a crushing hug from his mother and Gou. The pair of them nearly suffocating the life out of him.

Sousuke watches on from the doorway and laughs at him.

“You bastard,” Rin mouths- unable to speak properly over the chides of his mother. All the while having a fuzzy warm feeling in his heart from the surprise.

“You know, they miss you a lot.” Sousuke mentions as they pick up plates of food from his kotatsu and place them haphazardly in the sink. Rin’s mother and sister set out on their own ways after a dinner time of laughter and arguing.

“I know.” Rin mumbles, “I do as well.”

“I missed you too,” Sousuke says, quieter this time, like it was almost a secret.

The redhead pauses for a second, “You did?”

Sousuke clicks his tongue, regretting his decision of saying anything. “You’re surprised I missed you, but not Gou and Akane?”

“They have to miss me, they’re my family.”

The taller of the pair smiles, “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Maybe not.”

“…”

“…”

“…Rin?”

“Yeah?”

“I passed Haru in the street a couple of weeks ago.”

Rin bites his lip. “Hmm?”

“He was with his parents, but-“

“Don’t tell me. I don’t- I don’t want to know.”

“Look, I don’t know why you’ve been avoiding him. You said you wanted to give him space. But it’s nearly been three years, Rin. How long are you going to pretend he doesn’t exist?”

“Since when have you cared? I thought you hated the guy.”

“It’s hard to hate someone who looks the way he does.”

The redhead takes a deep breath. Trying not to think about that.

“Then why don’t you talk to him, then.” Rin challenges, “Since you care so much.”
Sousuke eyes him. “And you don’t?”

“No- Sousuke, It’s the opposite.” Rin hisses through gritted teeth. “I care too much.”

“I know.” Sousuke affirms glumly, a tense moment of silence covering the room before he speaks again.

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

Rin’s heart stops as he faces Sousuke, wide eyed and bewildered.

Sousuke ignores his expression. “You aren’t speaking to him because you’re scared of what will happen if you do- you stayed away so your feelings would too, right?.”

“How did you find out?” Is all the redhead could breathe.

Sousuke doesn’t listen to Rin’s question. “You left because you were scared that with Makoto gone, there was nothing holding you back anymore.”

The redhead’s heart thunders in his chest, the accusations sinking deep like a piercing arrow. “No- It was never like that-“

“You thought about it though, didn’t you?”

“Why are you saying all of this shit?” Rin says, his temper flaring up through his hurt. Having no clue at all why Sousuke was spitting all of this. It made him scared- it made him second guess himself.

How could Sousuke see through him like this?

“Rin, if you love him you need to go and help him the best you can- because I swear, it won’t get better if you don’t.”

“Why are you so persistent about this?”

“Because if you keep staying silent- he’ll never know.”

“That never mattered to me.”

“Bullshit.” Sousuke bites.

“Even if I did tell him now, don’t you think that would be fucked up?”

“I’m not saying to confess your love to him right now, Rin, for God’s sake. I’m saying do something.”

“Why?”

“I want what’s best for you.”

“Why?” Rin repeats, his anger rising further so his eyes bore holes in the other’s skull.

Sousuke doesn’t relent, his shoulder tensing as his face looks pained.

He counts his breaths, he takes two before saying it.

Maybe it was time to take his own advice?

“Because I- I don’t want you to make the same mistake with him that I did with you!”

Rin feels the fire in his veins die as if they were put in a downpour- it’s replaced with ice.

“What do you mean?”

“Rin, you idiot-” Sousuke sighs, his voice a mix of frustration and misery. “I’m in love with you.”

Sousuke doesn’t chase him when Rin runs out of his apartment. He knows not to.

He doesn’t call when he knows he’s sleeping at his mother’s house either.

 It leaves Rin to think- to agonise on the fact that after all these years of suffering over Haru.

Sousuke was suffering over him.

He was doing the exact same thing to Sousuke, which Haru was doing to him.

He was just as oblivious.

He hated himself for it- and for the first time he wonders that maybe his own unrequited love was the universe’s karma for Sousuke’s own.

Which was possible after all.

Rin deserved it.

Rin, in the strangest most twisted kind of ways finally realised maybe- the reason for all of this.

And for an awful moment he felt content.

Haru doesn't say anything after Rin finishes speaking- the redhead doesn't want him to anyway. It would be too hard.

"This was... It was only the leading part of what had happened, Haru- I'd sworn never to tell you but-"

Haruka still isn't looking at him- but the redhead can tell his fists are clenched.

This wouldn't be good. Not at all.

"Rin." Haruka says as calmly as possibly. "Was that the last time you spoke to Sousuke?"

The redhead gulps, "Yes."

"What the fuck?"

Rin opens his mouth reflexively, taken aback by the raven's uncharacteristically colourful language. All the emotions from before must have still been flowing through him- He was going to let them out.

Maybe now wasn’t the best time for this…

No.

Rin gulps but stays determined- now that his longest kept secret was out for the world to see. He would let Haruka know the full truth.

What point would it be otherwise?

This strange change of heart made Rin feel woozy to say the least but at the same time he almost felt it was inevitable at some point in time. Even if Haruka hadn't joined him on this crazy trip- he would have known some way else.

Even subconsciously, it was possible Rin had been planning to do this for a long time.

Which was crazy because Rin was pretty stupid.

Especially in this instance, according to Haruka.

"You just left him like that?"

"After everything I just said you're stuck on that?"

Haru goes quiet for a moment, glancing off to the side. "I don't want to think on that stuff yet."

"Saving it for dessert?" Rin asks snidely, peeved that he was being ridiculed for his behaviour from months ago.

Even if Haru was right.

The situation was crazy- a quarter of an hour ago the man was crying, apologising relentlessly- but now Haruka just looked like he wanted to kill him.

There was one good thing that had come out of this, though, Rin supposed.

In an extremely fucked up kind of way. He'd made Haru's walls crumble down so hard that would never be built that high up ever again.

Rin wasn't sure if he was more relieved than guilty at this point.

But for now, looking back on the past is for the future.

Because the present- although neatly done up in a ribbon. Is about to sink its teeth into him.

Or maybe just yell at him some more.

"I fucked up, Haru, believe me, I know. But could you please just hear me out? I let you speak- I didn’t give you this shit." The redhead snaps, defensive.

"You’re right. You’re right but you’re still an idiot."

Rin huffs, indignant. “You know, I did think of calling him.”

“Yes, but you didn’t.”

“I know.” The redhead says quietly. “But-“

“But why do I care?” Haruka interrupts, turning on his side to face Rin. Reading the redhead’s mind. “Because he gave me an opportunity to make things right with you.”

Rin sighs, “You two sure stick up for each other even if you do hate each other.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

Rin grumbles something but doesn’t speak.

“Today, I found out you loved me. I found out that Sousuke loves you and I found out that literally nothing leading up to this point has been exactly what it seems- Rin, after so long of feeling numb and cold all the time, you made me feel all these emotions in a matter of weeks. And I hate it.”

The redhead looks up at that. He looks up at Haruka, in the blazing moonlight- his eyes an icy blue that Rin had never seen before.

And just like always, Rin can hardly tell what he’s thinking anymore.

But this time, it’s different. Haruka wasn’t masking anything.

He was portraying everything in his heart right now, he was saying everything.

He was feeling everything and he wanted Rin to know that.

“I hate that you make me feel this way- i- I’m so confused. Rin, you were always important to me, but this is different.”

“Haru…” Rin’s voice is caught in his throat. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I need to figure things out. And I need you to too.” Haruka bites. “But to do that, you need to give me everything you have. I need you to tell me every detail of how… Of how I hurt you and how things happened leading up to this- Please-“
Haru rarely said please.

“I want you to tell me everything so I can figure this out for myself.”

“Haru, I wa-“

“And I need you to call Sousuke, for God’s sake.” Haruka adds with a slither of a laugh. “You’re being ridiculous.”

Chapter Text

"Haru, there's too much to discuss for me to just stop now. I can't call him now." Rin sighs, defeated by Haruka's stubbornness.

Haru just gives him a stern look that just seems watery after everything that happened.

It's the first real time that Rin realises the extent of all the things that he had just told Haru in this small space of time.

The impact of it all... Rin had slapped a bomb shell on the other and then another right after it.  Bombarding him with so much information it was almost impossible to comprehend it properly.

He was the one speaking and it was even giving him a tough time.

Rin saw it now, how tired Haruka looked. And felt a little guilty.

"Haru, i'm sorry."

"Don't be." Haruka says- far too quickly. "I just... I need to be alone for a moment."

Rin's eyes lower in understanding- and yet his hands reach out for Haruka's wrist regardless. A second thought that was of utmost importance…

"My feelings for you weren't your fault. Just remember that." Rin breathes, watching for Haruka’s reaction.

He doesn’t see anything.

"My obliviousness was, though. Don’t make me less of a villain than I am."

Haruka's hand gently wiggles out of Rin's grasp as he turns away. Not angry or shocked or sad this time.

He looked down at the ground with a stormy expression that could only be seen through his eyes. And Rin could tell his mind was already having a hard time processing things.

The redhead wanted to make things right with them again. But after what had just happened. He wasn't sure if he ever could.

His deepest secret was in the air, and Haruka didn't know how to react with it.

Which was okay, Rin supposed. After the initial shock of it all, Rin wasn't all that sure himself what he felt about this entire situation.

Of course, his resolve wasn't weakened. That tenacity in his veins never weakened against anything. Haru would know everything now- even if he hated Rin for it.

And yet- Rin couldn't help but think there could have been a better time and place for such a thing.

If only he hadn't been such an idiot and kissed Haru... The other wouldn't be in such turmoil right now.

No, he can’t regret this. Not now.

Rin scratched the nape of his neck unconsciously as he watched Haru's back fade into the distance. Not knowing where to go from now.

Haruka's voice echoed beside him as if the other was still there, and the redhead couldn't even try to ignore it.

Call Sousuke.

Call Sousuke.

But after all this time... Why did Sousuke never call him?

Surely he would have picked up the phone to explain things… Even if it really was Rin’s fault.

God that sounded terrible to think…

And yet the curiosity wouldn’t leave him…

…

Deja vu the strength of a hurricane hits him.

Wasn't this the same predicament Haru was in?

He needed help but was he in any state of mind to call?

Ice grips Rin's throat as he tries to swallow air into his lungs at the thought of such a thing only becoming clear to him now.

Haru was right.

Rin's shaking hand grips the phone in his pocket and he dials a number he hasn't seen in the longest of times.

The redhead knows now that Haru wasn't the only one who needed this trip. Without him here right now, Rin wouldn't have realised.

Just the capacity of the mistake he made long ago.

"Hey, Sousuke, it's me."

Haru's feet begin to feel calloused under the rough sands of the beach. He moves away from the surface of the bay- treading carefully along the path. The waves that he once found calming only seem to interrupt his thoughts more and more. The corners of his lips twitch in irritation. Forgotten thoughts bubbling up to the surface of his mind with a vengeance.

Haruka Nanase, in all his years of living had never been faced with a situation as conflicting as this.

He knew all of three things.

1. Rin was in love with him.
2. Sousuke was in love with Rin.
3. He was very, very confused.

There was no reasoning behind these feelings he had- well most of them anyhow.

Behind all of this guilt that had been piled on the man. There was something else lying deep within that he couldn't quite explain...

That would be something for later though. Right now-

He needed help.

And he needed answers.

"Makoto, why didn't you tell me?" Haruka asks to the now darkened night sky. The stars just appearing through the atmosphere beautiful but ominous.

"This was my issue to deal with and you said nothing. How- how could you?" Haruka cries, his voice incredulous.

There was no point not being angry anymore. It was too hard to contain. Too hard to stop the hurt and betrayal flowing through his veins.

"I trusted you- I- I loved you! How could you keep something so important from me?"

The wet feeling against his cheeks are renewed again when old tears begin to mingle with new ones. His heaving chest making it hard to breathe.

It crushes him.

Haru falls down to his knees- his nightmare feeling to real.

No, this was no nightmare.

This was reality.

"Why?" He sobs. "Why did you leave?"

No answer.

"I miss you so much." Haruka whispers, his arms hugging around his chest. "You're such an idiot for thinking I meant all of those things I said. And I’m such an idiot for saying them. This is all my fault but all I can do is blame other people."

Haru watches as his tear drops intermingle with the sand on the beach, unable to stop this flow of words and tears coming from his face all over again.

Since when was he ever this emotional?

"It's my fault for not seeing that Rin had feelings for me. It's my fault for not going after you that Christmas night. It's all my fault."

Haruka chokes, his throat growing hoarse with all this constant shouting.

It was awful.

…

He feels a nudge on his hand. The gentlest of touches that barely feels real.

Haru sniffs, his lips wobbling as he looks to see what could have approached him.

Of course.

Haruka finds his own reddened eyes meeting the green ones of a stray cat.

A brown mutt of a thing that's fur was as messy as it was long- with the most piercing emerald eyes that left nothing to a metaphor.

The animal nudges his hand again, softly as if it was comforting him.

Haruka watches the cat's tiny ears, twitching about and Haru laughs.

A cold, broken laugh that he never wanted to come out of his mouth.

Haruka laughs for so long that the tears by his cheeks dry onto his skin- the echoes of his noise lasting far into the night.

But the cat doesn't falter, no. He doesn't flinch away when the recluse scratches him behind the ears. The animal looks up at him, almost as if it's smiling at him, waiting for something.

"I'm crazy." Haruka whispers to himself, "This is crazy."

He doesn't move though.

He doesn't move for what feels like an eternity.

Haruka thinks back on everything from the very start and tries to make sense of all the things inside of him that just seem to churn uncomfortably within.

The way he did everything to Rin without even knowing what a crime it was to do so- It was terrible.

Haruka was certain, regardless of this day that he was a fairly shitty human being. But he supposed this was the proverbial icing on the cake.

How could Rin be in love with him- after all this?

"I haven't done anything for him..." Haruka mutters to the cat. "I made everything worse."

The animal, in reply, just blinks its feline eyes at him.

"And here i am, running away again. Makoto, tell me what to do."

How pathetic of him, relying on a dead man to decide his fate.

The animal twitches it's ears, it's tiny teeth nipping at the green scarf around Haruka's neck.

"Hey." Haru says, weakly- articulately watching the animal as it fiddles with the item.

With a bout of strength, the cat rips the unwinding cloth clean of Haruka's neck. Not tearing at the fraying threads at all.

Haru watches in astonishment. Knowing himself to be completely insane to see this as any kind of answer…

Maybe it was good he'd left his sanity behind that fateful night Rin showed up at his door then.

"I'm sorry, Makoto, you can't make me forget you that easily."

The cat mewls in response, persistently. Louder and louder until it drowns out Haruka’s doubts.

"Okay, okay- i get it." Haru sighs in exasperation at the animal. At ‘Makoto.’

 "I suppose it was time I- it was time that I gave this back to you, anyway."

Haruka's hands reach the bare threads of the tattered green fabric. Breathing in a scent that was long, long gone. He closes his eyes for a split second, thinking back- way back, on the snowy day Makoto had given him this now ragged scarf… and after that moment.

He sees the world once more.

"You always wanted to go here with me, Makoto. I guess it's only natural that you followed me here."

Picking up the scarf gingerly as if it were alive. Haru wraps the fabric around the cat beside him. Already knowing well enough that the animal would most assuredly shrug it off at some point or another.

It didn't really matter.

To Haruka- this was what returning it meant.

Even if it was to a cat- an animal Makoto always adored. With glowing green eyes just like he use to have.

Seeing his own handy work. Haru smiles.

"Sorry for keeping it for so long."

He understands what Makoto means now.

"Rin?" Sousuke’s voice sounds like he’s heard a ghost. The redhead can hear the tremble in it.

Guilt shoots an arrow through his heart.

"Hey..."

"I didn't think i'd hear from you."

"Ever?"

The redhead took his silence as an affirmative.

"Look-" they both start at the same time- their tones mimicking each other to a tee.

"Please- you first." Rin breathes.

"No, i want to hear what you have to say- since you've said fuck-all to me the past few months."

Ah, there it was. The brutally honest hurt that Sousuke portrayed so well. It stabbed little icicles into Rin’s heart.

"I deserved that."

"Yes, you did."

"I'm- i'm so sorry, Sousuke."

"..."

"And I- I know that that's never going to be enough. Because the bullshit i put you through was absolutely unforgiveable."

"Why did you call then?"

"... I-" Rin begins, not exactly knowing how to answer.

"...Nanase made you." Sousuke adds, a sense of finality in his tone. He doesn’t sound quite angry as he does defeated. "I guess you finally told him."

Rin nods- before he realises that Sousuke can't see him. "Yeah." He chokes out.

"You told him everything?"

"Mostly..."

"Care to elaborate?"

"No... Not yet."

"Rin, you're a dumbass."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Quit apologising. I'm- i'm fine."

"You don't sound fine." Rin replies cautiously.

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"...Sousuke?"

"If you say you're sorry again I'm going to come over to wherever the hell you are and slap you."

Rin feels a strange grin come across his face.

"You wouldn't be able to find me. I'm not in Japan."

"Of course you're not. Do you care to enlighten me?"

"Nah, it's not that important. How are you?"

"I told you I’m fine."

"Sure, but please, could you at least carry on the conversation a bit…?"

Sousuke takes the bait.

"Police business, the usual. Kisumi keeps showing up at work- keeps acting like a dumbass."

"Well that is Kisumi."

"-and he keeps buying me coffee- like what the hell?"

"Seems like you two are spending a lot of time together."

"That son of a bitch won't leave me alone ever since he moved to Tokyo."

Rin laughed, "I bet you love it."

"No."

"Yeah."

"No."

"Sousuke..." The redhead sobers. "Thank you for telling me."

The other huffs, "you certainly didn't take it very well."

"I know, believe me, i know. And I wish- I wish I could love you that way, Sousuke. Truly I do. I would be so, so happy with you. It’s just- you’re not... you’re not-"

Haru.

There’s silence on the other line and Rin’s certain that Sousuke has hung up on him.

He deserved it…

But then- he hears another breath.

"If Nanase hadn't told you to call me. Rin, would I have ever spoken to you again?"

The redhead feels his breath catch on the thought.

"Yes."

"I want the truth."

"I don't know."

Sousuke sighs, "You’re really kind of an asshole."

Rin grimaces. "Haru already gave me a lot of shit for it it if makes you feel better."

"Surprisingly that does. You needed it."

Rin feels a ghost of a smile appear on his face before it vanishes.

"Sousuke, please take care of yourself."

"Or what you're going to take me on a giant international holiday? Oh no~!"

Rin doesn't miss the bitterness in his friend's voice.

"Sousuke."

"It's fine. I just- i'll need to get used to everything all over again. Hearing you speak… It’s weird."

"I know."

"If Nanase ever pulls some kind of terrible shit on you i won't hesitate to kill him and take you from him, you know."

"He won't."

Sousuke hums, unconvinced. "No matter how much i hate to say this- you're probably good for him. And he's good for you. You guys make each other better- i never had a chance with that."

"Sousuke. I'm sorry."

No matter how many times he says it, it will never be enough.

Maybe this was the way Haru felt?

"I know. Rin, I've got to go."

"Duty calls?"

"No, Kisumi sounds like he's about to bash down my door."

Rin feels a bubbles of laughter at his throat and lets it out. Even if it was an excuse.

"Rin, promise you'll call me again."

"Even better, I promise to call you tomorrow."

"You better."

"You're starting to sound like my mother."

"Oh, you should call her too, she worries."

Rin groans, "Sousuke!"

"Bye, Rin."

"Bye, Sousuke."

The redhead stares at the ended call in his hands. Looking at the phone as he nearly collapsed into a puddle of relief.

But no, he couldn't, not yet.

There were many things to do.

He had to make it up to Sousuke somehow.

He had to tell Haru even more things of the past.

And currently, most importantly.

"Haru?"

He needed to find his travelling companion first.

Chapter Text

Rin recalls the time after Sousuke told him everything- and it certainly wasn’t one of his fondest memories.

It left him feeling cold, numb and completely alone.

He had no one else to talk to about it anymore. Everyone was gone from him.

And it was only because of his distancing that it was so anyway- he had no one to blame this time but himself.

Rin hated it.

His shoulders feel heavy as he nudges his mother’s door open with the left side of his body. Not knowing at all what to say or what to do to explain everything to her.

‘Is it okay if I stay with you? My best friend told me he was in love with me and I ran away because I was scared.’

That definitely wouldn’t fly.

“Who’s there? Oh-“She still had impeccable hearing evidently. Ever since Rin was little he couldn’t sneak out of the house for the life of him.

Akane Matsuoka’s gaze settled on her son suspiciously. “Rin?”

“I’m back…” The redhead says half-heartedly, not meeting her piercing gaze.

“Rin-“

“Don’t.” He cuts his mother off. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

The aging woman places her hands on her hips- the frown lines that Rin was sure hadn’t been there last time he visited were now very apparent on her face.

Rin expects her to maybe hit him lightly on the side of the head and tell him to stop being an idiot- but instead her gaze softens. Akane lets out a tired sigh before she gathers the boy (who had now grown far taller) than her in her arms.

“You can stay as long as you want to.”

“Thank you.”

Akane let’s go, but once more places another firm hand on her son’s shoulder. “You are a big boy now, I can’t meddle in all your problems for you. But if you ever need me to, you know where to call.”

Rin gives her the tiniest of smiles, “I know.”

His mother ruffles his hair like he used to when he was small and gains entrance back into Rin and Gou’s childhood home.

The redhead knew it held some kind of meaning to her. Even if the house was too big for someone to live in by herself now.

Rin knew it had something to do with his father.

The redhead inhales the old scent of the floorboards and the green tea candles that always seem to be burning in the house and he feels like he’s at home again.

Raising his head to meet the ones of the old staircase he always used to climb up- Rin soon begins matching the footsteps of his elementary school self.

“Oh! And Rin?” His mother calls behind him, like she was remembering something. “Some mail arrived for you the other month- it didn’t look incredibly important so I thought I would just leave it for when you came to visit. I would have had it ready for you when you had lunch at the house tomorrow but-” She trails off.

Rin ignores that part.  

The redhead’s curiosity perked, but not enough to real show any reaction.

‘Who in this world still sent mail anymore?’

‘Who in this world still sent him mail anymore?’

He thanks his mother and retires to his room without another word from his mouth.

However, his mind is racing.

Opening the door to his childhood room, the same nostalgia washes over him as it always did- except now. It felt a bit more melancholy.

He remembers all the sleepovers he had with Sousuke in here- all the fun they had…

What would happen to them now?

Clutching the bag he had in his hand maybe a bit too tightly, Rin spies the manila envelope on the dusty covers of his bed sheets. Looking not at all as aged as the other things-

The redhead feels his hands close over the piece of cardboard, his eyes scanning for an address.

It had a date from when it was originally sent to him alongside a small, notepad sized apology on it.

How odd… it looked frantic almost, handwritten most assuredly.

‘We apologise for the delay of your package. Due to the worker’s strike some time ago, this letter was lost. The sender of the package did not make the address clear and was not able to be traced back.

We are sorry for any inconveniences.’

Confused, Rin double checks the date…

Expecting it to be a few months late. The message on the front displaying it as some kind of minor deal- after all, how hard could it be to find the sender of a letter?

He was wrong.

His breath catches in his throat.

It was from three years ago.

It had to be from when he was living in Japan- it made sense that the letter would be lost completely. He changed his address to another country entirely.

But it’s sudden reappearance?

It had Rin’s heart pounding in his chest.

His hands tear open the envelope before his thoughts can protest- the weightless piece of paper feeling somehow heavy in his grasps.

Opening the folded piece of parchment up, Rin notices it almost immediately.

His eyes start watering.

This was Makoto’s handwriting.

Haruka watches the ocean fold in on its self for a while after that. Even after the cat had wandered away a long time ago.

He remembers giving it one last pet as it left. Haru’s hands brushing its tail absently as he kept his mind forward.

He doesn’t know if he’s crying anymore or not, but he doesn’t really care.

It doesn’t matter anymore, does it?

His mind is everything but settled with all of his ideals in place. But for now, it feels like he’s okay.

Even if his neck feels terribly bare.

Haruka wonders if Rin called Sousuke. He wonders if they yelled at each other or if Sousuke didn’t say anything to him at all.

He wonders if Rin decided that he liked Sousuke after all.

For some reason that makes him feel queasy with anxiety- which just makes him hate himself.

He had no right to feel that way, after everything.

And yet he just couldn’t stop himself.

There was something there for Rin- but he just wasn’t sure what.

Haruka knew that Rin didn’t deserve some half assed ‘maybe’ for an answer to the unanswerable question he proposed the moment the secret was out.

He deserved so much better.

He deserved someone who could make him happy.

Like Sousuke.

Haruka tries to tell himself that- over and over again. In that small space of time where the night was fully fallen and the only sound was the waves on the beach.

But all he sees is Rin waking up beside him with a smile on his face.

Rin leaning on his doorframe with a suitcase by his side.

Rin coaxing him back into a pool.

Rin’s smile.

Rin’s laugh.

Rin trying to convince him that cookies were definitely a breakfast food.

Rin kissing him.

Rin saying he was in love with him.

Rin telling him it wasn’t his fault for what had happened.

Rin.

It was terrible and Haru knew it.

Selfish, cruel and downright evil after everything he’s done.

But he couldn’t stop himself.

Haruka places his head in his hands, dragging a long sigh out of his lips. What was he going to say to him?

What could he say to him?

Haru ponders a thought for a second more before he’s interrupted by the shrill hum of the phone in his pocket. A sound he hadn’t heard in what felt like the longest of times.

It had to have been about a week or so now. Maybe even more.

Oddly enough- despite the length being only a matter of days. Despite Haruka just knowing who it was bound to be.

His stomach didn’t curl in fear anymore.

He was too tired to care.

With another deep breath he picks the phone out of his pocket and lifts it to his ear. Making certain that his voice was even before he answered-

Slightly hoarse from yelling, but otherwise alright.

With a cool indifference he answers the call.

“Hello?”

“Haruka come home this instant.”

It’s his father this time.

Haruka’s resolve doesn’t fall or falter.

Instead, it grows stronger.

He’s had to deal with too much shit tonight and he didn’t need anymore.

“I’m sorry… who’s this?” Haru bites out snarkily.

He was finished. He couldn’t- not anymore.

God, maybe this was some kind of release from everything.

His father sounds flustered, but maintains an indignant atmosphere about his voice.

“Your father.”

“Hmm?”

It was definitely better than accidentally taking it out on Rin that was for sure.

Far more fun if the person actually deserves it.

“Haruka!”

“Yes father?”

“Is that anyway to address your father?”

“Dunno.”

 A huff of disbelief is what follows.

Haruka almost feels a shaky smile on his face. Waiting for the person on the line’s answer.

He does.

“Your mother and I demand that you come home this instant. We are already overdue for preparations for your wedding- this was an extreme important business deal for the Nanase company alongside the Shizuka company, and you’ve nearly ruined all of it.”

Haruka wonders if they always saw their son as a bargaining chip.

Or maybe it was only when he’d lost the will to fight back anymore.

“I’m going to have to say no.”

That’s pretty fucked up when you think about it.

“What? Did I hear you correctly?” His father sounds dangerous.

Taking advantage of your own son for financial gain. Marrying him to someone he barely knew to boast profits and compliance.

“Unless your hearing is as shot as your morals as a person, I’d say so.”

Well, he would have been a shitty husband anyway…

“Did you learn this disrespect from your little friend too?”

This was almost fun, in a way.

Maybe he really was crazy.

But right now, for once, it was really fun not giving a shit.

He’d been pretending for a while to not care anymore.

But finally, Haruka realised.

He cared too much about the people in his life that only took from him and never gave back.

And sure, it might hurt from time to time in the future.

But nothing could ever compare with the burden lifting off his shoulders. The negatives outweighed the tiny positives in his and his parent’s relationship.

They used him- and he didn’t get anything back. And despite all of that, he knew he would miss them.

Which was the worst thing of all.

“I’m only dishing out what you were serving before me, father.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re excused. Put the phone on speaker I wish to speak with both of you.”

Holy shit.

It was a good thing Haruka wasn’t in Japan. He’s fairly sure his parents may have killed him.

And a couple of months ago, he would have let them.

There’s a bit of fumbling on the phone alongside a few murmurs of disbelief.

“Haruka.” His mother on the phone now alongside his father are both breathing rather heavily.

“Yes, dearest parents?”

“This is an order.”

“With all ‘not at all’ due respect. I’m not your butler.”

A gasp from his mother, he can practically see her turning purple. “I can speak to you in any manner I want.”

“If you’re going to talk to me like I’m a servant, I guess I should act like one then?”

“What are you getting at, Haruka?”

“I quit.”

“What?” They both say simultaneously.

Haruka takes another breath. There’s definitely a smile on his lips now.

“You threw me out once. But I’m going on my own terms this time. I’ve found something that makes me happy enough not to let you make me even more miserable.”

“You’ve found a replacement for Tachibana? How shallow.”

Haruka swallows his rage.

“Congratulations. You remembered his name. Colour me surprised.”

His parents don’t speak.

But he does.

“There’s no replacement for him. Lucky for me though, I must have been given both of your hearts because I have room for more than one person in this world in there.” Haru speaks, letting his mouth move on its own. “But there will never be enough to forgive you.”

It takes until after he says it to realise it’s true.

And he doesn’t regret it for a second.

Haruka doesn’t wait for their reply before he hangs up. He swore that he would get the last word- and that’s how it would stay.

Forever.

In a note of finality. Haru finds the number on his phone and deletes it with one fell swoop of his finger.

With his grandmother long gone. He doesn’t have any family left now.

But it doesn’t feel lonely, not really.

For some strange reason. Haru doesn’t feel empty.

He just feels free.

It’s strange, really. He was okay with them toying him around like a doll for the longest of times- he didn’t care at all.

But now…

Everything was so much different.

And Haruka knew it had everything to do with Rin.

He had so much that he wanted to thank the redhead for- but Haruka’s sure that the first thing to do is to finish the hardest part.

He wanted to know the rest of Rin’s story as much as he didn’t. Haruka knew he was still hiding more from him- and though it definitely wouldn’t all be sunshine and rainbows- he was sure that he could at least hope for bittersweet in the end.

It was probably all he deserved, after all of this.

Sliding his now considerably lighter phone in within his pocket. He stands. Shaking his legs- which had long fallen asleep.

Which was something Haruka wanted to do himself- maybe soon he’d join them.

Probably not.

Blinking slightly to get the oncoming sleep out of his senses. He set out to find Rin once more.

Things needed to be done. And Haruka needed to know.

No, he didn’t want to know. It may even be better if he never did.

But it was too late to turn back now.

He finds Rin a few minutes after walking. He looks as tired as he does- but just as determined.

The redhead pretends not to notice how red Haruka’s eyes were. And how much he wanted him in his arms once more.

No, not now.

They were doing this.

“Haru… There’s something I need to show you.”

Chapter Text

Rin doesn’t say all that much after that- only the simple sentence that he wanted to show him something.

The burning curiosity in Haru’s chest only seemed to thrum harder when the redhead turned his back. Beckoning the other to follow him.

Indignant about being treated like a dog- yet not having much sense to complain. Haruka steps after him, two feet behind.

It was fine that way. Haru wasn’t sure what he’d say if Rin was beside him again. There was so many things that had been left unsaid- so many feellings that Haruka had withheld from him ever since they kissed.

It felt like months ago with how the night was fairing.

Even dwelling on it afterwards proved to be nearly impossible. Haru was confused- and that was the one thing he did know for sure.

Another thing…

Was that kissing Rin was definitely not terrible…

Which was the weirdest part about the whole situation; Haruka- at the thought of moving on. Whenever his parents had mentioned it, he’d been faced with a dull shot of guilt. Like it was wrong to even think of being with someone else after Makoto.

But now, Haruka wasn’t sure if he’d gained some kind of closure.

Or if it was just he hadn’t had a deep seated connection with the person before.

Either way it was just baffling to think about- but in the end was it really all that shocking?

“Haru.” Rin’s back grows closer and the other soon learns that the redhead had stopped right in front of him.

Pausing his steps as to not run into Rin- Haruka swallows, his jaw set stubbornly.

“I want you to know that I’m sorry… Which is a cowardly thing to do beforehand. But I-“

“Just tell me, Rin, please.”

“I can’t tell you-“

“Why not?” Haruka asks, incredulous.

“I said before. I need to show you.”

 Rin remembered that night- he’d packed all of his things all over again. But this time with more of a fervour. His new destination a mystery and a comfort at the same time.

He had to get out. He had to leave.

But he had one other thing to pick up before that.

With one last thought. Rin placed the envelope in the very pit of his suitcase. It held words that weighed a tonne- but his heart still felt heavier.

His mother had left for her work as nurse, but he had no time to say goodbye in person.

He wrote her note explaining everything. And prayed she would understand.

He looked at the growing minutes of the clock and saw that it was late. Very late.

Would he even be awake?

It wouldn’t matter.

Rin feels the straps of his bag around his shoulder and tugs on it determinedly.

It didn’t matter anymore.

Without another thought- or regret. Rin stepped out of his house- his comfort zone. And left everything, every thought, every negative feeling there to pick up later.

He’d be gone for a while, who knew, maybe he wouldn’t even bother…

The redhead took a deep breath and stepped with his best foot forward, towards the train station.

He’d compose himself on the ride to Haru’s and Makoto’s house.

And whatever happened, would. Rin swore it.

Haruka watches in fascination as Rin begins tearing through his bag. His movements getting quicker and quicker the further he dug. The two of them were both alone in the hotel room that had been long ago left for them and it brought an ominous aura about it.

At last, Rin’s back tenses- but his arms stop moving. He stares at something in the depths of his possessions, like it’s about to jump out at him.

With one last sigh. Rin pulls out a slightly crumpled envelope.

“If you want me to go while you read it- it might be for the best.”

Haruka’s eyes, once trained on the paper raise to meet Rin’s.

There’s guilt there, anxiousness too. But not for a moment does he break eye contact.

Rin’s always been like that.

Haru’s gaze lowers down to the letter in Rin’s wobbling hands. Whatever was in there was what would determine what happens next, at least that was what Rin had said.

He looks at Rin, then the letter, then at Rin once more.

“Just wait here for a moment.”

The redhead gulps, taking a deep breath as he holds out the envelope to Haruka.

Finally giving the letter that was destined to be read by him a long, long time ago.

Haru feels his own nervousness quaking within him now as Rin passes him the letter. The yellowing parchment feels like a feather to him, but it doesn’t stop his hands from shaking.

“Promise me, Haru,” Rin says quietly. “You’ll give me a chance to explain afterwards.”

Haruka watches him, unsure at what could be so terrible about the information inside this letter.

But he still nods at the redhead.

Nothing Rin did was ever unforgivable. Hell, the man beat himself up about everything he did wrong all the time. It was as if you didn’t even need to do it before he did it himself.

Haru reads the outside first, taking a small notice on when it was sent.

Just after…

Alongside it another message. One of apology- stamped onto the front apologising for a delay. The mail office had gone on strike- and this had been a nearly untraceable letter.

Haruka doesn’t read further into it, his heart is racing too fast to really comprehend anything but the contents of the envelope. Ripping into the already torn paper, Haru lifts it into his view…

And his insides immediately shrivel up.

He looks at Rin, the redhead gives him a grim look back.

“Makoto sent it to me... He must have gotten my new address wrong in the heat of the moment or something because, it stayed lost for almost four years. Until someone finally found me.”

Haru’s eyes rest on the parchment, unbelievably enough. Rin speaks the truth.

This was Makoto’s bubbly handwriting. A little messier than usual- it showed how much of a hurry he must have been in.

Haru looks and sees that it’s addressed to Rin. To Rin only and gives the redhead an unsure look.

“Please just read it.”

And without another second thought; Haruka does.

To Rin, a dear friend that I never deserved.

Haruka inhales deeply. The first sentence already had his heart pounding. He turns to Rin last time.

“Maybe it was better if you-“

“I know you never like people seeing you cry, Haru, I’ll be waiting downstairs at the diner.” The redhead gives him a fond look that’s almost too sad. Like it’s the last time Rin’s ever going to see him.

Haruka hates it.

“I’ll meet you there. Soon.” The other says quietly- waiting a full minute after Rin closed the door behind him before he continued.

There would be no more tears- Haru was almost certain of it.

It felt like he was already dried up from the inside out.

The soft quilting on the bed doesn’t make Haruka feel any more comfortable. He just tenses his back, all but ripping the paper in his hands in two.

And with one final breath.

He continues. By himself.

I don’t know if you’ll ever receive this, Rin. But I really hope you do.

I don’t have all that much time left but there’s still so much I want to say. And yet I can’t seem to write anything down properly. Funny isn’t it?

I guess my hands are just too tied up on all kinds of funny tubes.

I want you to know I’m sorry, Rin. I’m sorry for disappointing you.

Remember when you made me promise I’d make Haru the happiest person in the world?

Even if you don’t- I’m sorry all the same.

But even if you have resented me after all of this Rin, please, as my last request. I ask you one more selfish thing.

Haruka Nanase is one man that can be so stubborn that it’s not good for him.

I know he’ll mourn me, I know he’ll shut everyone out like he always has done. It’s his way of dealing with things.

But promise me, Rin. When he pushes you away- no matter how much time passes between you too.

Don’t let him go.

It won’t be easy, like I said before. Haru-Chan was never easy.

But, Rin, you and I both know that he’s so, so worth it.

If you hate me, it’s fine. Don’t take this as my own request. But as Haru’s.

Because Haru-Chan has always been too proud to ask for any help.

I have to go and it’s okay.

I want to see Haru-Chan again.

He’s always loved you Rin. His heart is so big it has room for the both of us.

I don’t want to die. It’s not fair.

Thank you, Rin.

Merry Christmas, Haru-Chan

Always and forever sorry we couldn’t really make amends.

Makoto.

Haruka feels the letter in his heart more than his hands and he looks out on the window.

He likes to think that it would be snowing in Japan now.

“Haru, don’t be too sad about the snow- the pool will be unfrozen again in the spring!”

“And when is spring again?”

“Shouldn’t you know? ‘Haru’ literally means spring!”

He likes to think that the buildings in Tokyo will be flashing brightly despite the winter fog.

“Do you buy my Christmas present first because I’m the hardest to buy for, Makoto?”

“I buy yours first because you’re always the first person I think about, Haru-Chan.”

Haruka wonders if he would be able to find Nagisa and Rei again when they got back to Japan.

“You’re about as tall as the Christmas tree, Makoto.”

“Hah, I guess so- That’s helpful for when we put the star on top!”

Haruka wants to say that he gives a nostalgic smile upon reading the letter. But it would be a tremendous lie.

His heart tears easier than paper upon every sentence and despite it all. He can still find the will to take a breath. Over and over.

It hurts, he misses him. Makoto never wanted to die. He never deserved to die.

And even when he was dying- all he thought about was other people.

When a smile does grace Haru’s lips that night. It doesn’t have any kind of sentimentality behind.

It’s sad. But at the same time. It’s hopeful.

And for some reason- that makes it all the more melancholy.

“Merry Christmas, Makoto.” Haruka whispers to himself, folding the letter lightly- with straight edged finger tips.

This time, Haru doesn’t wait for an answer.

He doesn’t cry.

He just sits. Much like the night- what felt like ages ago. The night that Rin showed up in his life again.

But this time.

He knew which way to go.

Makoto had given him a sign.

In fact, Makoto had given him so many signs that it was almost ridiculous.

He’d given him so many hints. So many nudges. Haru realises now.

Even before he died.

“Are you sure you don’t want to invite Rin over, Haru?”

“Won’t you miss Rin?”

“Rin’s a very important person to you, isn’t he, Haru?”

“You two are such a wonderful pair…”

All of a sudden, Haru is hit with it all.

The clenching in his heart the day Rin told him he was going to quit swimming- all the way back in middle school.

The light that lit in Haru’s chest the day he saw him again.

The flame that set him alight whenever they raced, whenever they touched.

It was different.

It was different from the way he felt for Makoto. But the same.

Makoto was like warm sunrises and morning coffee. Comfort, warmth, reassurance.

Rin was like a twilight sky. Uncertain, strong, beautiful, hesitant.

He loved both of them.

He loved Makoto. He’d known that before.

But now….

Haru feels himself straighten his back. Stepping forward with a rush.

He loved Rin too.

He’s always loved him.

His hair, his eyes, his jokes, his temperament, his determination, his wit, his smarts, his carelessness and his carefulness, how he was a huge cry baby, how he was just the right kind of fiery red to match his cool blue.

He loved Rin.

He knew now.

Chapter Text

“You want to go to Australia?”

Rin’s eyes screen over Haru’s presence in pure shock. The man surprisingly appearing before him a lot sooner than the redhead could have ever expected in these circumstances.

And even stranger; he looks calm.

Haruka just nods at him, portraying no kind of viable emotion.

“Let’s go tomorrow.”

Rin looks dubious- Haruka hadn’t mentioned anything about the letter yet. He’d just found Rin and told him straight up about his plans.

It was weird.

Really weird.

“But-“

“Just,” Haru interrupts, holding a hand up to silence Rin. “Trust me on this. I know we need to talk. But not like this.”

Rin’s mouth stays shut, weighing his options.

“Please,” Haruka pleads, “I know you’ve done so much for me already. It’s disgustingly selfish of me to ask but- I want it to be somewhere significant when I-” Haru stops himself from revealing too much information. “Just- Please.”

That’s all It takes for any hint of Rin’s resolve to crumble. “Let’s go back to the room. We can talk there.”

Haru’s eyes don’t betray any negative or positive expression when he nods, just a firm line as his mouth. And stormy blue irises that could mean anything.

The door closes behind Rin. The redhead leans against it before counting to three.

He was expecting Haru to yell at him- after keeping such a big secret... It was only natural, right?

Rin was sure he’d probably do the same if he wouldn’t labelled a giant hypocrite.

But all that Haru does is fix him with an expectant gaze.

“So… Can we go?” Haru asks quietly. His insistence grating on Rin’s curiosity.

“Why aren’t you mad at me?”

The question obviously catches Haruka off guard. His face blanking for a moment.

“Because you did nothing wrong.” He answers simply, meeting Rin’s eyes.

He meant it.

Why?

“But I-“

“The letter was addressed to you. And when he died I pushed you away. I had no right to know.” Haruka pauses, taking a step toward Rin. “But you still told me anyway.”

Rin’s staring at Haru like he’s grown another head. Saying nothing- but his expression telling all.

And then Haruka smiles at him. It’s tired- but it’s a happy one.

One that Rin swore he would never see again.

“Thank you.”

The redhead looks even more puzzled now, lost under the other’s gaze.

“Haru. Why are you so calm?”

“I finally know what to do.”

“Makoto, Do you think you could give me a sign as to what I’m supposed to do, what kind of life I should lead? Is it okay for me to move on, even if I don’t want to?”

It was there all along.

Rin doesn’t seem satisfied with the answer, he frowns before he speaks.

Haru shushes him before he does. He isn’t smiling anymore, but he’s still not as serious as he usually looks.

“One last adventure before we go back home. What do you say?”

It’s much warmer in Australian December despite the fact that the sun hasn’t quite risen yet. It’s summer and the weather sticks to you like tape. It’s a sensation that Haru had long forgotten until now.

He wonders if Rin thinks about things like that too but doesn’t ask.

The last time he had been here it had nearly been six years ago.

It still felt like yesterday.

The one difference in it was that this time he wasn’t a lost teenager being dragged in by existential dread.

This time, he was a pulled apart jigsaw puzzle that had lost a few pieces along the way. But had then been fitted with new ones. He wasn’t new and shiny. He was tired and still grieving.

But not for a moment this time did he feel lost.

He knew what to do now.

And it had everything to do with the two men he’d known since they were kids.

Rin yawns from beside him, stretching out an arm before lugging a suitcase behind him. Haruka wasn’t sure if it was his or not. At some point their clothes had started integrating with each other.

It didn’t matter much at all to the two of them. Apparently they didn’t see how domestic that seemed.

It was okay that way.

“Rin. Can we go to the place where we watched the sunset last time?”

All that time ago.

Did Rin still remember it?

Of course he did.

The redhead had gone along with Haru’s mysteriousness all these miles to his old home away from home.

He may as well continue until the end.

“Okay.”

The very end, it seemed.

The sun’s just begun to peak through when they finally make it there. The place is deserted despite its beauty.

It would be perfect.

“Rin, I don’t want you to interrupt me until the end.” He breathes, his gaze on the ground this time.

The redhead nods, already mentally zipping his lips. The butterflies in his stomach gathering at the base alongside his curiosity.

What could have Haru wanted to tell him that had taken thousands and thousands of miles to do?

A month, a couple hundred thousand miles, half a dozen airplanes, a pool full of tears and an actual pool.

What did it all mean?

Haru takes a breath. His heart pounding in his chest.

It would be okay.

“Rin.”

The redhead looks up.
“After I told you about Makoto and I. When there was radio silence between us for the second time in our lives. I felt like a piece of me had left with you in Australia. I wanted to call- but I’d wanted to give you space. I guess that was better in the end… Maybe- And yet. When you called, I was so happy that I felt like an idiot for not picking up sooner.

I wasn’t even angry or sad that it had been so long.

I was just so happy that I forgot all about what had gone on between us.”

Haru takes a breath.

“That was probably one of the first mistakes I’d realised had happened between us. I was so blind to everything.”

Rin was never a fan of rules, he’d tried to keep silent but it was just so hard. “Did you take me here to apologise?”

The redhead didn’t sound angry. But Haru didn’t answer, he kept going.

Otherwise he’d never be able to say it.

“Makoto said in his letter that I push away the things I love when I’m dealing with my own issues. And he was right. I stopped eating mackerel, I stopped swimming, I stopped hanging out with the rest of the Iwatobi members… And then there was you.”

Haru doesn’t move an inch no matter how much he wanted to close the distant between them.

Yet.

 “I only realised recently. I pushed you away the hardest because I-“

Rin feels himself stop breathing.

Haru didn’t take him here to apologise. He knew that for certain now.

“I pushed you away because I care so much about you, Rin- And it sounds so messed up to say it in that way because you’ve done all these things for me- I thought that maybe I could have just developed feelings for you because you pulled me out of the state I was in.

But that wasn’t it! No matter how fucked up I am- I wouldn’t go that far. Rin, even if you never believe me or If you just don’t feel that way anymore. I want you to know that even if you move on. After all this time I realised.

I love you, Rin. I’ve loved you for a long time, it’s just taken my mind a while to figure it out for its self… It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about Makoto… It just means that I finally know that I loved you both. I’m sorry it took so long. I’m sorry you were suffering in silence for so long.”

Haru doesn’t want to hold back anymore.

He grabs onto Rin’s wrists.

“Rin Matsuoka. I may be oblivious, blunt, broken and cold. But I know for sure that when you’re in my life- everything is so much brighter. You make me feel brave and you don’t make me forget about the pain I felt. You don’t make me move on. You just make me so, so happy that you turn those miserable memories into reminiscent ones. I can only hope that eventually I can do the same for you.”

Haruka’s hands curl around Rin’s cheeks and he gives the redhead a bright smile.

“You took me on an adventure that lasted a few weeks. But being the selfish person I am… That was never enough. Can I ask one last self-centred thing?”

The sun is just beginning to rise now. The night sky and the dawn mixing into a melancholy of blue and red so suiting to the pair in front of it.

“Stay by my side for the rest of this life. No matter where the future takes us?”

Rin’s throat is dry, all of the moisture transferring to the ducts in his eyes. Tears begin flowing down his cheeks- he isn’t sure when he started crying, Haru never said anything about it. He was probably just really used to Rin crying so much.

Figures.

He doesn’t speak for a while, he just takes Haru’s hands from his cheeks and wraps his own arms around Haruka.

And then, when he feels like he can speak he says one sentence;

Rin Matsuoka has lied a lot these past years, but the redhead is certain that this is the most truthful thing he has ever said in his life.

It sounds choked, barely audible.

But Haru hears him, because he can feel the man settle his head by his shoulder when he does.

“I’m so glad I knocked on your door that night.”

Haru’s the one that initiates the kiss this time, it doesn’t feel unnatural whatsoever.

He and Rin fit perfectly together in each other’s arms.

Haruka doesn’t know how long they stay in that position, nor does he know who kisses who next that morning.

He just knows that everything was okay.

“Thank you, Rin. Thank you for loving me.”

_______________________________________________________

The day Haruka shows up at Nagisa’s door one afternoon. The boy acts like he’s seen a ghost.

Which was ironic, really.

“Hey.” Haruka says, nonchalant, as if no time at all had passed. As if the two hadn’t seen each other in four years.

As if the last time they’d seen each other hadn’t been at their closest friend’s funeral.

It doesn’t have the same effect for Nagisa though.

“Haru-Chan!” He yells, throwing himself at the man. His height not meaning anything at all when he launched himself so well.

He still looked exactly the same…

“Nagisa-Kun, what was all that racket-?“ Haru hears another familiar voice from the hallway.

He also hears the familiar gasp that came along with it. An overly dramatic intake of air that felt so hilariously nostalgic it was hard not to smile.

“Haruka-Senpai!” Rei exclaims, his glasses falling well off his face as he sprinted straight into the other. Just like the blonde, wrapping him in an enormous hug.

They both cry. Just like the night before nationals of their third year.

Haru doesn’t mind. He can’t help but feel a little emotional too.

After all, they were missing their captain.

_______________________________________________________

When Haru goes back to his house. No one is there waiting for him. It’s left untouched from where he left it. There’s cups and plates everywhere except for the bedroom.

Rin watches as the other paces around the house. Going in and out of each room.

He picks up items, gathering them in his arms; his Olympic medals, photo frames. He looks through everything. Draws and shelves that had gone untouched for the longest of times…

It was Haruka’s idea to leave. He said it brought back too many memories. Rin understood.

The redhead sees Haru freeze on the final room he’s yet to check. His back tenses and just as Rin’s about to approach him. He takes a breath and goes inside all by himself.

Rin feels a burst of pride flow through his heart.

It would be better if he sorted through things by himself, Rin supposed. For some strange reason- Rin thought that maybe this was another step into full closure for Haru. Nevertheless he didn’t want to stop it.

He’s about to text Sousuke to pass the time (he’d been nearly unreachable since he’d started dating Kisumi) when he hears a laugh coming from the room.

It has no malice behind it nor sadness. It’s a coincidental laugh- like Haruka had been surprised.

Except Haru never laughed when he was surprised.

Rin rushes in, just as concerned as he was curious.

He walks in on a scene that he would have never expected.

Haru sits on a dusty quilt cover, his eyes transfixed on the thing in his lap.

Rin approaches closer and has to suppress a tiny gasp.

It’s a rectangular shaped gift wrapped present tied with a blue ribbon, the tag spelling out the kanji characters, ‘Haru-Chan.’

Haruka notices Rin at the doorway and sniffles despite his smile.

His hand strokes the intricate wrapping that had faded with time.

“Makoto must have hidden my present all those years ago under his pillow. I never would have looked there in a million years.”

Haru lets out a huff of a laugh but his breath catches. Betraying his true feelings. “Good thing it only took me four.”

“Haru-“

“Should I open it?”

Rin’s gaze softens, approaching the other quietly until he’s sitting across from him on the mattress.

“Go ahead.”

Tentatively Haru’s hands close around the ribbon. Pulling it quickly like a band-aid.

Both their eyes widen before growing far too shiny.

Makoto’s final present. Of course.

“He always was sentimental, wasn’t he?” Rin whispers to Haru.

The other just nods.

A photo album, filled completely with pictures of preserved memories Haru had tucked away in his head for a very long time. Makoto’s left his swirly writing beside each photograph. A little comment or inside joke that the two had shared, after all those years together he remembered all of them.

There were hundreds of photos. Of their swims teams, old friends, old team mates. There were newer ones too, ones Haru didn’t even know existed.

It would have taken him hours.

He imagines Makoto working at the table in the kitchen. Long after Haru had gone to bed, a lamp to keep him company alongside overworked hands.

It hurts.

Haru can’t help it. He starts crying just as easy as it was when he was a child.

Rin doesn’t stop him either, in fact. He starts as well.

It doesn’t hinder them from peeling through every single page on this book, by the end they’re a terrible mix of laughing and sobbing that Haru can’t even tell what his feelings are anymore.

So many memories, all mixing between joyful and hurtful. He and Rin relive all of them together.

The last page is blank though.

Well, almost blank.

There’s a little sentence of strung together letters and words that Makoto had left there like an afterthought;

Hoping to make another book of memories with you and all the others, Haru-Chan.

-Love Makoto

It still hurts. That’s something that Haru always knew would be there.

But now. He doesn’t suffer alone.

The sniffling of the cry baby redhead right beside him lets him know that.

And he’s eternally grateful for that.

And he will be for the rest of his life.

_______________________________________________________

“The medley relay team representing Japan this Olympics looks quite promising I have to say.”

“I’ll have to agree with you on that one. After all it includes the most dynamic duo we’ve seen in the pool for years!”

“Absolutely. They’ve both bagged gold medals in their respective races this year- but a silver in the medley at their last Olympics. Do you think they’ve got it in them for a gold in the relays this time?”

“Definitely. Nanase and Matsuoka won’t stop until they have a gold, I’m sure of it.”

_______________________________________________________

“You scared, Haru?” Rin asks from beside the other, a familiar sense of déjà vu playing in his head.

Haruka must feel it too. He smirks when he sees the redhead snap his goggles like he used to.

“Not even close.”

END.