Work Text:
Your name was once Jane Crocker, but you were dead long before anything began.
__
When it first bloomed, you knew because suddenly nothing mattered anymore. You attended school and everything was too bright and fast, and you ended up not doing any of your work. I suddenly understand why people do some of the things they do, you had thought, and it was true. That had been the day after you had allowed yourself to realize exactly what she meant to you.
The next month you had settled firmly into a pattern where you talked to Roxy when you could and slept when you couldn’t. Your grades nosed their way up again and your dad stopped asking if you were sick. You ate fairly regularly, and baked sometimes when the urge struck. Still, nothing was ever quite as exciting as watching that grey circle blossom into the yellow smiley face that let you know that she was online.
Two months found you exhausted and more content that you had ever been before. You felt a certainty in things that had never been present before, a feeling of inevitable rightness. The sun cycled over you in bright loops and you spent hours doing nothing but watching pink text race over a white screen. Sometimes, when her internet connection was stable enough, you could chat face-to-face, and it was better than anything else you knew.
You were dangerously, foolishly in love.
When you died, it was under a night sky that twinkled benignly, your first taste of the universe’s indifference. The death itself wasn’t fast or slow or quiet or even painful- just a thing that happened, a short craggy burst of light and then nothing at all. You fell face forward on your balcony and were dead a full second before you watched yourself fall. Your assassin stirred from his place on the roof, dislodging a shingle that landed in your cooling blood. He dropped neatly next to you, gun in hand, and made his way inside.
He did not even take the time to gloat, and you were gone before that could bother you.
You spent a short time in a dark place, where time flowed in thick ropes like the chalaza in an egg. There, you felt cold and hot all at once and tasted whispers on your tongue that did not call to you. Stranger, they said. A child not of us. In the distance, blonde flashed for a moment in the brilliance of a dying star and you had felt a pulling- the slick caress of something so incomprehensibly huge you spent every agonizing particle of yourself trying to even register it.
You never did, and shortly afterwards you had plummeted to a place of gold and uncomfortable heat. It was there that you were able to remember that you existed, and you began to feel the baby thoughts of life. I feel something. The sun is hot. Why is it so hot.
Later, you realized you didn’t breathe the whole time you were there.
Through blurred eyes you had watched someone come closer and closer, until all you could see was blonde hair and something dark and angular. You felt yourself picked up and, very carefully, kissed.
You awoke on the bloody balcony, staring at your own crumpled body. Overhead, the sky hung as dark as ever. Encasing you was the yellow from the open door, and you turned to it to find bloody footprints leading inside. You followed them and heard nothing but thick silence, and in it you found your father’s body. His leg was at an awkward angle, like the hand of a clock, and his neck twisted backwards as testament to the force of lead entering the body. Red mingled with cake mix and formed gummy pink on the ground. Again, the assassin had left completely impartial and the only thing you had left was a growing certainty that you really should have stayed dead.
You went back to your bedroom and found orange text waiting for you.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 23:40
TT: Jane, I need you to tell me if it worked.
TT: If you’re alive, I need you to contact me as soon as possible.
TT: We gotta get this shit HAPPENING.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 23:42
Oh. You looked at your hands and found they were the same hands you remembered, but slightly transparent- the floor passed under them as though you were a cloud. You thought about Dirk’s words, but they made no sense so you drifted back down into the kitchen where your father’s blood glistened on the wall in a wide spray.
You had considered cleaning him up, but eventually decided that you did not have any desire to.
As you stared at his limp form, the screeching of something large and metal burst above you. Carefully, you directed your gaze upwards and allowed yourself to pass through the ceiling to see what disturbed the silence. Something that was not curiousity, but almost like it, swirled in what was once your stomach, and as you emerged you heard that the computer was still chiming. The screeching continued from the next room over, but something told you to check the messages first. You did.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 23:46
TT: I’m getting your game things set up right now.
TT: I see that you’re a ghost, which is not the most ideal situation, but also better than being dead
GG: I am dead, th0ugh.
TT: Awesome, you can type. That probably means you can man the alchemiter, too.
TT: Okay, well listen up. The Baroness got her nasty witch fingers all up in our pie by straight up killing you. Kind of reckless, but I guess even she’s got to be impatient sometimes.
TT: I’m fucking kidding, of course. Her patience is made of the same thing Jake’s common sense is made out of, which is to say:
TT: It doesn’t actually exist.
TT: I thought I could revive you by kissing your dreamself, but when I got there she had a fork stuck in her abdomen. If I had to guess, I would say that’s why you’re a ghost now.
TT: Fuck, it doesn’t even make sense to me.
TT: Just get started on your totem lathe, alright? I’ve got it set up in your dad’s room.
TT: We gotta get this shit done in record time.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 23:52
You turned your attention to the far wall, where the noises had stopped, and willed yourself into the next room. The crisp, elusive smell of ozone faded in shades and you opened your eyes to find the giant metal tools of SBURB available to you, vast and shining. In the silence, your phone was dropped in front of you by an unseen hand. You followed the invisible trace of a mouse for a moment before retrieving the phone. Bright red flashes notified you of new messages.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 00:03
TT: Here’s your phone, you’ll need to stay on the move.
TT: You gotta use these devices to get in the game, I’ll show you how they work.
GG: I d0n’t understand.
TT: Just do what I tell you, alright?
GG: The metal tastes like 0z0ne and I d0n’t think I want t0 play this game anym0re.
TT: I know Jane, and I’m really sorry. If I can help you in any way, any way at all, just call me up, okay? I’m going to drop this cruxite in front of you. Can you put it in the lathe? Yes. Just like that.
TT: Now, I’ll walk you through the rest of it.
He did, and the slick blue of cruxite slid in your incorporeal hands. Slowly, the ebb and flow of blood left you and you turned your white eyes to the metal tools laid before you. You had no desire to use them, no desire to take part in anything that had brought your death, but Dirk brought a faint swirling of memory so you listened to him.
When the comet hurdled towards you, you completed the game’s request and entered the Medium in a blast of white.
___
You dangled you legs above a dead city skyline, where sleepy white carapace blinked into the spangled sky. Here and there was black, too, as the citizens of the checkerboard town slowly began to make their way to the places where food might be. In one hand you held the bright red Appearifier, dials carefully set, and in the other a martini glass, empty. With a last glance at it, you perched it on the edge of the roof and lifted the Crocker gun with both hands, aiming at a dais in one of the plazas where over a dozen carapaces had congregated. The trigger was as difficult to pull as ever, but finally with a forceful blast five pumpkins appeared on the pedestal, fresh from a time long forgotten. You smiled to hear the excited cheers of the carapaces.
You were still smiling when you received the message.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 23:42
TT: Roxy.
TT: Jane’s dead, and we’ve got to get everyone in the game right now.
TT: Do you have your copy on you like we planned?
TG: wait hold teh FUCK up
TG: did you jst say janey is DED
TT: Yes. I managed to get her back through some game mechanics, but it didn’t work out quite right.
TT: Put simply, she is a ghost.
TG: aw shit dirk
TT: Aw shit is right. Get your discs installed, I’ll use Jane’s copy to bring you in and then you can get Jake. You up for that?
TG: of course i am
TG: im gonna need another drink tho
TT: Oh no. You’re going sober for this one. We already got Jane dead, I need everyone else at the top of their game.
TT: Let me know when you get it all set up.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 23:45
You kicked the martini of the roof and were running towards your room before the glass ever shattered. You had the discs in a small purse you wore at all times since Dirk asked you to, and you slipped out the client and shoved it in the computer. Bright colors flashed across the screen, performing tasks faster than you could catch them, and while waiting you began captchaloguing everything you might need. Tools, portals, portal parts, two guns, several soft toys, your video game console and a discarded pile of clothes. With a sigh, you passed over the liquor bottles and instead grabbed a bottle of Aspirin. You would need it later.
The moment the disc completed the installation, the bed lifted itself and slid out of the wall, swiftly replaced with what looked like a tube on a pedestal and a large lathe. You kicked the tube and a cylinder of pink flew out, slick and shining, and you caught it with one hand and consulted Dirk with the other. He guided you perfectly through each step, and you had a split second before the pink bottle shattered to think about all the reasons why you had not wanted to play the game.
Instead, you entered the Medium only seconds after Jane.
___
You stared at the world around you. Gray, ashy dirt swirled beneath your feet, which dangled in the stale air. No breeze was present, and no sound made itself heard. It was, you had thought objectively, lonely, but those kinds of emotions were only available as memories. You did not feel the unearthly disquiet this planet was probably supposed to instil in you. Instead you turned your white eyes to the distant white obelisks that rose above the gray in stark contrast. Symbols burned at their apex.
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 00:17
TT: Both you and Roxy are in the game now, and while you get a start on your quest Roxy is going to get Jake in. After that I will be able to help you in person.
TT: To be perfectly honest, I have no idea how to help you, or if I can.
TT: You might be a ghost forever.
GG: Dirk?
TT: Yes?
GG: I think I am sad, but I can’t be sure. I...
GG: I can’t remember what being sad feels like.
TT: If I could make this right, I would. You didn’t deserve this.
GG: It’s n0t y0ur fault.
TT: Really? I think it is. Should’ve been faster, had a better idea of what we were up against.
TT: I’m going to go talk to Roxy now. Listen, I’ve built you a guide. I was going to give it to you later, on your birthday, but you never got to enjoy it so I’m giving it to you now.
TT: It should be arriving presently.
You stared dispassionately at the screen until the familiar scent of ozone and a small flash heralded the arrival of your guide. You stared at it. Orange shades stared back at you.
TT: I call him Lil’ Seb.
Lil’ Seb was a small metal rabbit, smooth in design and execution, and after a moment of observation it jumped through your torso with a small metal whirring. You turned and watched as it landed and processed the information it gained, its small ears twitching as it stored the memory of your intangibility.
TT: His job, first and foremost, is to gather information and help you in any way he can.
TT: He also excels at being cute as fuck.
Lil’ Seb scrambled around accordingly.
GG: What did y0u mean by “quest?”
TT: Each player is assigned a certain task that challenges their strengths and weaknesses, and eventually contributes to the game as a whole.
TT: They’re designed to be completed over time, with personal growth as a goal, but we don’t really need to worry about that now.
TT: I’m also not sure how this dramatic shift in your personality will align with your quest. I’ve noticed you’re much less verbose, and considerably more somber.
TT: I guess you could call this a learning opportunity.
TT: Let Lil’ Seb guide you around for a while. I have to get Roxy started on her job.
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 00:24
The small yellow bubble minimized itself, and the phone was captchalogued. Your fetch modus was different once you were dead. There were no abstract tricks or requirements to it, as far as you could tell. Things appeared when you needed them, and disappeared when you did not. You didn’t seem to be able to control their coming and going, which you think might once have annoyed you but now only seemed appropriate. With an impatient whir, Lil’ Seb interrupted your thoughts by scrambling straight through your leg, so you allowed him to take the lead. His robotic legs made only the smallest sound to fill the vast, gray silence.
Before you, in a deep ashen valley, laid the entrance to what looked like a mausoleum. As you descended, delicate strings of green peaked from dry crevices. They were tiny signs of life that flashed and winked in pale green and pink, little hints of what could be. Overhead, the sky was a thick velvet black unbroken by anything but the faint glow of a distant obelisk. There were occasional pits of black that Lil’ Seb leaped with ease, and which you floated over with equal disinterest.
You arrived at the mausoleum entrance, unblocked by a door. Around it grew small flowers, tiny but vivid. Gray steps descended into the darkness. Lil’ Seb leaped in without hesitation, his orange eyes dimly lighting the flight down, and you followed. The air became steadily colder as you went down, your toes sometimes passing through the ancient rock.
The occasional pit broke the monotony, but even these were seemingly worthless- you could not see in their depths, and the great white obelisks that stood sentinel over them did not offer any hint of their purpose. A round mirror was perched on top of each one, but their faces were black with reflected darkness. You continued on each time. Just as you noticed that the stairs began to level out, your phone appeared in your hand, an open Pesterchum window awaiting you.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 01:34
TG: janey!
TG: ok dirk told me not to contact u but i just had to
TG: i mean ur dead and all, ghostin it up
TG: hey janey r u gonna answer me here?
TG: i kno ur probably ass deep in weird gmae puzles but cmon
TG: im worried about you janez
GG: Hell0.
TG: oh yeah drik warned me u wold be all wierd and junk
TG: thats ok i guess at least ur not DEAD hahahhahahah
TG: uh yeah im gonna go
TG: jakes got himslef all tangled up w/ a skeleton
TG: see u later i guess
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 01:37
GG: I miss y0u, R0xy.
The phone disappeared as suddenly as it appeared, and with it went your connection to Roxy. Her name burned on you in a hot blaze of memory that you couldn’t quite catch, the lingering feeling of life that sometimes caught you when you did not think you would ever feel it again. Sentiment, you had thought vaguely, was much more elusive than you had ever thought it could be. Ahead of you, Lil’ Seb stopped suddenly on a landing and gave an inquisitive buzz. Below his little body lay the unmistakable shape of bones.
Very, very quietly, they whispered to you.
___
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 01:37
TG: ok yo im just gonna get this all set up wile ur resting after fightin that weird skletin thign
TG: yeh
TG: ur not gonna wake up frm that coma for a while
TG: ttyl i gues
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 01:39
You fiddled with the game controls over Jake’s land, but in all honesty there was little left for you to do. Dirk had not contacted you in hours, and you might have been worried were it not for the fact that you knew he was notoriously elusive, and probably busy helping Jane out. On your own planet nothing much was happening and your inherited supply of alcohol was left behind on the doomed Earth, leaving you with little to do but doze. You reclined back on your massive pile of stuffed animals and stared at the ceiling. You hadn’t slept properly in a while, and it was beginning to catch up with you- your eyes fluttered shut even when you didn’t tell them to.
You closed your eyes and fell into the dark plane of the dreaming.
___
“Roxy!”
You heard the voice, once, twice, but each time it slipped through you like sand. Something was wrong but you
couldn’t make the connections necessary to figure out what, so instead you felt yourself drift through the space that
clung to you in thick black swathes.
Where am I?
“Roxy, get the fuck down!”
You recognized the voice and your eyes snapped open in time to see a flash of gold before dodging out of the way. You caught Dirk’s eye behind his shades, and his hesitation only bought him a slash to the face. He cried out, animated in his clothes that matched yours, and launched himself at a figure clad in gold and fuchsia and was lost from sight.
You awoke with a start.
___
The entire room, from wall to wall, was filled with bones. They were tiny, the largest of them only a few inches long. You examined them closely, but they showed no sign of their origin or purpose. Lil’ Seb looked at you expectantly.
“Animal bones,” you told him. One ear twitched.
You reached to pick another one up, but before your fingers could close on the smooth white your phone sprang into your hand, message waiting.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 02:02
TG: janey!
TG: oh janey oh god oh god oh god
TG: i just woke up form this crzy dream where dirk was battlin some crazy pink lady w/ lots a hair an
TG: when i woke up i couldnt find jake anywhere :(
TG: have you herd from him at all??
TG: im getting crazy worried over ehere
GG: N0 I’m afraid I haven’t seen him.
GG: Where did y0u last see him?
TG: aw its good to hear you talking again at least
TG: last thign I saw he was passed out cold on the ground like a dude served on butler island
TG: all stretchin his legs out and enjoyin the sun
TG: or skaia or w/e
GG: D0 y0u think he is 0K?
TG: janez i think we screwed up royally here
TG: anyway im gonna go try and find that rapscallion little dude
TG: maybe hes jsut battling another robo thing
TG: *sigh*
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 02:05
The phone tucked itself away again and you were free to resume examining the bones. They no longer seemed terribly important, though. Dirk and Jake were in danger.
“Lil’ Seb,” you said. He turned from examining the carvings in the wall to face you. “I need you to find Dirk.”
He twitched around for a moment, then nodded and sprang lightly towards the stairs. You watched him ascend and thought of how Dirk had promised to help you in person. You would have liked that. You were starting to believe that would not ever happen.
___
You dropped neatly on LOMAX and immediately leveled your rifle at a large green skeleton, fired twice, and watched it thrash away in confusion. You didn’t have time for any strifes, your friend was missing and every second he was gone made you more nervous. You hadn’t told Jane, but a large red stain had been all he left.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 02:11
TG: jake if ur arond i need u to tell me r/n
TG: jkae buddy were are you
TG: fcuk
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 02:13
You slipped your phone back in your pocket and ran for Jake’s house. It wasn’t far, and on the ancient concrete you found the splash of red he had left. In person it was so much more messy, so much more thick, and for a minute all you could do was stare at the coagulating mass.
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 02:16
TG: yo dirk
TG: dirky do you read me
TG: hey
TG: man where da FUCK is evryone???
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 02:17
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 02:17
TG: jane i cant find dirk or jake and its mking me really worried here
TG: please tell me ur still aroound
GG: Yes I’m here. I just sent Lil’ Seb t0 g0 l00k f0r Dirk.
TG: fuck jake was supposed to get drik in the game but i dont thikn he ever did
TG: and
TG: janey i didnt want to play ths game its a load of shit biggern than the batterwtichs ` ego
GG: I didn’t want t0 play either, but I think we had t0.
TG: we didnt have to do fuck all janez
TG: but u died and then it all went to hell
TG: and
TG: and janez i love u and im afraid of losing u too
TG: ):
TG: janey? u gonna say somethign?
TG: pourin my heart out here
TG: ah ok u kno what im just gonna go bcak oto finding jake ok
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] at 02:23
You slipped your phone back into your pocket and turned your back on the blood. A few drops trailed away from the main pool, but there were no drag marks- it looked like whatever took Jake lifted him up. You stared at the sky and thought about the weird lady that Dirk had been fighting. You would’ve bet your beautiful rifle that that had been the Batterwitch.
In all honesty, there wasn’t anything you could do. There were no clues, no way of tracking Jake down. If you were allowing uncomfortable truths to come out, you had always been fairly certain this was a failed timeline. Not that that even fucking mattered, you had thought angrily. You pulled your gun out again and started making your way to Derse. No way were you going to just let Dirk battle it out on his own. Bullets burned heavy in your sylladex.
__
You exited the mausoleum and stared at the tiny footprints Lil’ Seb had left. They continued on into the distance, but truthfully you didn’t really need to see where they went.
Dirk was very likely still on Earth.
Or rather, his body was still on Earth.
And Roxy had just informed you that his dreamself was battling the Batterwitch.
You didn’t feel anything about it. Nothing at all. Ever since you died, you heard voices and they always told you you would fail. Dirk will die, they said. Jake will die. You are dead.
And what of Roxy? you had asked once.
They only laughed at you.
__
Your name was Roxy Lalonde and you loved a girl named Jane Crocker. The news of her death was delivered to you by your best friend, and from that moment on you had decided you were going to play the game that lay before you, and you were going to win. Within hours you lost another friend due to your own incompetence, and as a result of that Dirk died trapped on Earth. His dreamself was locked in battle with a powerful enemy, and despite all his skill he was sorely outmatched.
You would all likely die.
There was no way in hell you were going quietly.
You arrived on Derse in a flash of light, and for a moment all was quiet until you realized that what you thought was white noise was actually the worried muttering of dozens of carapaces, all hunched in doorways and windows. They were talking about the battle going down between their queen and their prince.
The sky was all black and tentacles, whispers and oracles that meant nothing to you. As you watched, gold shot across the sky in violent shivers originating from the horizon.
Dirk.
You ran towards the origin point, but even as you neared you knew that there was no way you could help, no way you could even reach them.
You grabbed the arm of the nearest carapace, and it bared its teeth at you.
“Where are they?” You asked, and it took a snap at your fingers.
You kicked it’s spindly knees and it pointed towards the distance, where a large tower dominated the skyline. You ran for it.
__
“What of Roxy?” You asked. The voices whispered and crackled and giggled.
“Well?”
“She’ll live forever,” one said, and the others repeated it in a cacophony of humor.
“And how is that?”
“She’ll die in pink and awake in blue,” they whispered.
You closed your eyes.
__
At the base of the tower was a large pit, a staircase descending into the very core of Derse. You ignored the steps and jumped straight down. You landed in a stone hallway of purple, where gold flashed in blinding sheets.
You heard Dirk cry out over the laugh of the witch, and ran for your life. For his.
You entered a large room filled with two stone slabs and the wild hair of the Condesce, and she turned to you in a blaze of fuschia and laughter.
__
GG: Roxy?
TG: yeah?
GG: I love you.
TG: rlly? like love love?
GG: Yes, "like, love love."
TG: i love u 2 janez
TG: <3
GG: <3
__
It didn’t hurt when she killed you. You watched the gold spikes bury themselves into your torso, and then you fell backwards onto one of the two stone slabs in the large cave-like room. You thought vaguely about how your blood was staining the beautiful pattern of swooping lines, about how you were allowed to die only inches away from someone you loved. His limp hand was almost within reach.
You closed your eyes.
__
“She rises she rises she rises she rises.”
“Be quiet,” you told them.
“She rises she rises she rises SHE RISES SHE RISES SHE RISES SHE RISES-”
__
When you awoke it was to the white eyes of Jane Crocker. She stared at you and you stared back.
“Am I... dead?” You asked.
She shook her head.
“I love you.”
She shook her head again.
“I think I loved you. I don’t remember.”
You looked to the sky. It was completely black.
“Where are we?” It was a real question, but mostly you posed it to cover the gaping hole her words had left. Not that she would recognize your pain.
“In a dead universe.”
She didn’t sound bothered by this.
“Why am I alive?”
She stares at you blankly.
“You’re a god now. You’ll live forever.”
“Oh.”
Your name was once Roxy Lalonde, and you were alive long after everything ended.