Chapter Text
Jing Yuan knows, very well, that you would never reciprocate his feelings. And he made peace with that, truly.
Well, he thought he did, at least.
You two had known each other for centuries at this point, having been introduced by Dan Feng years upon years ago, back when the dozing General still saw a point in keeping his eyes open. Back when he had a purpose to look forward to, to fulfill.
You were a measly scholar while he was a part of the very famed High Cloud Quintet, albeit the clumsiest of the five at the time. What mattered was that you were a friend to Dan Feng, and that made you a friend to Jing Yuan as well. A very lovable friend, he came to realize soon enough.
It took the young man barely a week to form a crush on you. And he couldn’t even tell why, really. Was it the playful jabs you took at him? Was it the bright shine of curiousity in your eyes? Perhaps it was just the way the two of you just… Clicked. From the second he first caught side of your eyes, he knew he would remember them until the end of the line. He just wasn’t aware of how often he would think of that curious gaze in the upcoming years. Decades. Centuries.
He was unsure of what to do at first. It sounded ridiculous to him now that he thought about it, of course; what use was hiding his emotions? What could he lose by confessing his tiny crush on you?
Nothing, appearantly.
He still remembered his words from back then, the effort it took to work up the courage to look into those eyes he dreamed of every night, the slight tilt of your head as you asked him why he was acting so timid that day. You were worried, he had realized, and the thought had only served to fluster him more: The idea that you knew him well enough to realize that his moves during practice was a bit clumsier than usual, the fact that you looked at him when he was spacing out enough to realize that his mind had wondered off to a dream; it made his heart flutter, back then. He was foreign to that feeling nowadays, he notes.
He remembers looking away for a moment to calm his thoughts, to distract himself from the bane of his existence- Only for you to lean into his vision with an irritated huff. “Spit it out, what’s your deal?” he remembers you asking, in a voice that was much higher pitched than the one you possessed the last time he heard you.
He had turned his head away after that, and mumbled out a small confession as fast as he could speak.
“I think I really like you.” He recalls. It was boyish, silly, and all too fitting for a young lad his age at the time. He had expected you would maybe get flustered, or perhaps tease him about it; however, what followed was a rejection in a tone much more serious, perhaps even sad than he ever heard you sound like at the time.
He had brushed it off. Went right back to your usual dynamic. Then, when he realized he still felt the same if not worse, tried again in a month.
Of course, met with another rejection. You didn’t question why he insisted on a second try; and just rejected him with the exact same words. And again. And again. For years, he tried to woo you, only to be met with the same refusal at every chance. Over the time, his attempts got more scarce, then faded away all together. Not due to any signs of him moving on, mind you; he just figured, as he matured, that there was no point in nagging you. After a some time, things got too hectic for him to even think of another confession for a good while anyway.
The Quintet fell one by one. He stood by helplessly as his friends all disappeared from his life; first Bailu, then Yingxing, then…
Well, what mattered was that one remained. You. As the years passed, he learned to lean on you like a pillar holding him together, the last straw of sanity he could hold on to before the mara finally got him- Alongside his wish to protect his homeland, of course.
He wasn’t one to open up, be vulnerable, especially when he had a role to fulfill as the Arbiter General of the Luofu, a figure that was meant to stand strong and lead the people to victory, regardless of what happened. But he’d like to think he learned not to be so harsh on himself when he was around you; stopped thinking of what he could’ve done to stop all the horrible events that befell him and the Luofu. It’s not like he could think about any of that when you sat with him over a cup of tea, under the surveillance of the countless stars he could see from his gardens as you talked on and on about the silly, mundane problems and joys within your life: A research colleague being uncooperative, a fluffy cat you saw on the streets, a new cafe down the street you wanted to try with him when the two of you found some time off from all your duties within the day. The animated way in which you talked, your hands making various gestures as you talked about many topics, your expression shifting from joy to annoyance as he teased you over a small detail of your daily routine, the way moonlight shone so beautifully in your eyes-
He’d never get over you, he soon realized.
Perhaps as a desperate last attempt, he had decided to try one more time, years after the Luofu had seemimgly entered an era of peace. It was a bit hard to try to appeal to you, if he were to be honest; the two of you often went out for meals, had a tendency to get small gifts for each other at any time, were clearly the most relaxed with each other… The General knew you loved him, dearly, it showed in the way you looked at him with such great care, the way you often talked about new things you found that you wanted to experience with him, he just wasn’t sure if there was any hope of that intense affection ever turning into something romantic to mirror his own flames. Truthfully, he was unsure where to begin if he were to try and change the tone of your relationship. Much of his life was spent chasing after and yearning for you, or at war to defend his homeland, which meant he couldn’t remember any faces when he thought of any past lovers within his life.
It’s a bit foolish, he realizes now, but he started out with more traditionally romantic gestures. Getting you flowers before the two of you met for lunch, complimenting you more often and more sincerely without any undertones of teasing, brushing his hand against yours as the two of you walked down the lively streets of the Luofu, hoping you would recognize his boyish, pathetic efforts and just take his hand in yours. You never did, though. He realized, even all those years go, that you probably just didn’t see him in that light; but he clung on to a small, almost impossible hope, that you would finally appreciate the man he had became after years upon years of pain and sorrow, that you would maybe look into his eyes with the same tender adoration he had always looked into yours with. He just wanted you to love him. He wants you to. So, so badly.
After weeks of his silly, not-so-subtle gestures, the two of you end up back on his garden at one late night, the tea now gone cold from how neglected it was over your shared chat and banter. He doesn’t remember how it happened, but the chatter had died down after long hours of talking and laughing, giving way to a tense silence-- or was it just tense to him because of all the emotions Jing Yuan felt everytime you were with him? Did you find the silence comfortable, he wonders now, did he ruin a perfectly fine night with his next words?
Well, it’s not like he could take any of it back. He wasn’t sure if he would, even if he could. It was selfish, the way he poured his feelings onto you out of nowhere. But he had gotten tired, from years of fighting, losing and intensely yearning to be seen the way he saw you. He remained tired to this day, if he were to be honest with himself.
“I’ve had a good life.” He said to you that night, “Maybe not the happiest, but…” He remembers letting out a shaky sigh, the uncertainity in his voice uncharacteristic to his own ears,”I’m grateful it all led us to where we are.”
You had smiled softly at his words, your eyes stuck on the stars as they often tended to be. You agreed to his half-hearted sentiment, clearly, but the sorrow in your eyes told a very different story. Were you fighting yourself, he wonders? Did you hold back from disagreeing with him, from telling him that you wanted nothing more than to go back and fix everything? He supposes that was possible. He always had a sad glint in his eyes, you told him many times before; was that the reason you refrained from speaking your heart out to him? Would you have stayed if your talk had gone differently that night?
He knows the answer is a firm and definite “no” to that.
“I suppose, by now, it’s foolish to repeat what I have communicated to you over and over again. I know what you have answered my pleas with, and I know what it will always be. I know it’s rather ridiculous to hope that you will look at me one day, and see something you never did by some miracle.” He couldn’t look into your eyes as he spoke. His gaze was strictly on the cup, swirling it a bit to see his reflection move, “I apologize if I’ve been too nagging, but as selfish and foolish it is,” He remembers gulping down his fears, “I love you. I always have, and always will.”
It was cheesy, he realizes, but who is Jing Yuan if not a cheesy, sentimental old man with too many heart breaks to count?
When he found the courage to raise his head, to meet your eyes and face the rejection that may as well end him, all he sees is a pitiful, sad look on your face.
You got up from your side of the table, walked to him, and after standing there in a moment of what seemed to be uncertainity, and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him into your chest as you hugged him closer than he ever remembers you doing.
You were warm. Even more so in the chilly night air. All he could do was nuzzle into the fabric of your clothes as he wrapped his arms around your waist, ignoring the sudden itch behind his eyes.
“You deserve to be loved, Jing Yuan.” He heard your voice whispering into his hair.
He never felt lonelier than he did in your arms that night.
Jing Yuan had given up with those few words, just accepting his fate. It wasn’t that hard, he thought; after all, how many years did he even have before the mara consumed him? Just a while more, he’d resist its pull, until his beloved pupil could reach the age where he could beat the General in a fair fight. He may be selfish enough to beg for your affection every now and then, but he surely wasn’t about to let his grief and sorrow ruin the Luofu. While the heart ache of always being so close to yet so far from you would stab daggers into his chest every now and then when he was once again starstruck by the curious fire in your eyes, he’d be fine, he had concluded.
Then, the Stellaron Disaster happened, or rather the aftermath of it. Meeting the reincarnation of Dan Feng after hundreds of years was harsh on both of you, so was seeing what the kind, playful Yingxing had come to, but the two of you held on, and got over it as much as anyone could. His newly acquired friends from the Astral Express spent a few more weeks in the Luofu, “exploring and restocking” the gray haired one had told him with a shrug and an eerily blank gaze. He was glad to have them in his homeland of course, happy to help the heroes of the Xianzhou. Well, that was until he realized how much time you spent with them, listening to their stories, starstruck by the tales they told you. He was happy about you finding joy in the company of others at first… Then that happiness warped into something more akin to worry. He was bound to the Xianzhou Luofu, had duties to fulfill and people to protect, but you… You didn’t have to stay, did you? Your job was to research, discover, learn- You had no reason to remain within the confines of the Luofu, or even the Xianzhou. He knew about your efforts to cure mara after the many losses it cost you both, yes, but he also knew about your dwindling hope for a solution when it came to that topic: The way your voice went from an enthusiastic curiousity a defeated hope that seemed to slowly go away was a dead give away of the gradually severing ties you had to his homeland.
Worst of all, Jing Yuan wasn’t blind. He saw the way you looked at the stars. Like you were yearning for something he could never give you; a life of adventure and new discoveries? Travels among the galaxies the two of you have spent too much time gazing into? He was unsure. But he, selfishly, hated how enthralled you seemed by them, by the Express and its crew.
His fears, much to his disappointment, came true when you approached him with an expression much more thoughtful, solemn than usual, like your mind was already elsewhere before you even broke the news to him that you wanted to join the Express.
“I’ve been thinking, and…” You had started off, avoiding his eyes and staring at the three youngest members of the Astral Express that walked in front of you two, who were seemingly having a mild arguement about... Well, he didn’t listen enough to figure out the topic, but clearly it wasn’t anything serious. They looked… Carefree.
“Uh…” You huffed, seemingly a bit stressed out about this talk, which only made him wander why you would bring it up in the middle of the street as all five of you were strolling in search for a vendor March 7th swore she saw the last time she passed through here. The blessing of foresight he has now lets him realize that the trio had probably set this up for you. It should’ve been obvious by the way Stelle glanced back at you every now and then, the way all three of them walked in front of you two and left you to your devices, even though it was March who had basically begged him to join in their leisurely stroll. Chances are, you had talked to them before, and confided in them that you were unsure how to tell him. It causes a slight hurt in his chest, to realize that you couldn’t open up about something to him, but he supposes that wasn’t the first time you were unable.
“I plan on boarding the Astral Express.” You blurted out in a hurry, and back then, Jing Yuan remembers how his world just… Stopped, for a moment.
You were leaving him. Just like everyone else, you wanted to leave.
Much too accustomed to the gnawing sense of sorrow in his chest, it didn’t take long for him to recompose himself. He recalls putting on a smile he could only hope you believed and looking into those eyes he spent centuries adoring, “I see.”
No arguements. No refusals. No begging. He just accepted yet another loss, and hoped he could wake up to see another day without the ever-growing hole in his heart absorbing his mind.
You left that week. You left to travel amongst the stars, and Jing Yuan was… Confused, he supposes is the right word. Centuries alongside you, and one day, you just weren’t there. Sure, he could still call and text you, but it wasn’t the same when he couldn’t see the shine of your eyes with his own. Worse is, you seemed a lot busier in your new life. Even the days you spent solely in the express, you were accompanied by someone. Sometimes it was a sudden “Sorry friend, gotta go, Miss Himeko made coffee!” to end a call, other times it was “Ah, Pom-Pom calls… Talk to you later, okay?” but the point is it was always something. As if physical distance wasn’t heavy enough on his old and battered heart, you just had to go ahead and be so busy on top of it.
A petty, particularly tired part of him wanted him to despise you. To curse you for leaving the Luofu, to hate you for moving on with your life just like everyone else he ever deemed a friend did; did you not see him at his worst? Did you not hold his hand and carressed his face with a gentle touch when he was on the verge of just breaking down after the demise of his master by his own hand? Did you not know how intensely he yearned for your love and affection, even if it was just the scraps you’d be willing to throw his way? How could you leave after all those years of letting him depend on you, lean on you- How could you?
Despite his more… Immature emotions, he knew better, of course. You just wanted to live your life. He had no right to stop you from grasping your own happiness with your own hands. Even if it left him in shambles as he watched you from behind.
He learned how to live without having his lunches accompanied by your banter. He learned how to spend his nights alone, letting himself succumb to dreams of better times, than being in your company under the gaze of the whole universe. You’d be awaiting him in his dreams anyway.
He wonders, though, on a particularly restless night… Did you yearn for his presence as much as he yearned for yours at any moment he was awake? For all the years you two spent alongside the other, Jing Yuan was still unaware of just how much worth he held in your eyes. He was a dear friend to you, you loved him, yes, but it was clearly not the same intense fire he had been burning in for centuries if you could find it in yourself to get up and leave. Maybe that was something he would be frustrated by in his earlier years, but now… He just felt a sense of longing. A longing for someone that was, now literally, out of his reach. Perhaps he had spoken too early when he said he’d be saddened by being so close to yet so far away from you. Your lack of presence in his life was, somehow, worse.
He felt at a loss.