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“Ya can't even mourn properly because of me…”
Seating in the park, trying to eat an already melting ice cream. Unable to do so because of a concern that changed the mood, that made the mood heavier than it was supposed to be.
It was certain.
He now knew for certain.
‘Hikaru’ was becoming more human-like as the days passed. More human like, and closer to the divinity he really was. Everyday, he became stranger and stranger, scarier and scarier, almost insane. But grounded. Still grounded. Still among the people. If that wasn't what all humans were, then who were they ? Like he said, ‘Hikaru’ was becoming more human-like by the day.
Only humans could be bothered by futile things such as mourning properly.
What did that even mean, anyway ? What was the ‘proper’ way to mourn ? To cry rivers, to let the world know you've lost someone by screaming their death's unfairness to you? Yoshiki wasn't the type to exactly do these things. Plus, there was nothing to mourn. Hikaru was still technically here. Yoshiki hadn't lost any one. Hikaru was still here.
“If ya weren't here…”
If ‘Hikaru’ wasn't here, Yoshiki wondered about it many times.
‘Hikaru’ was a being with no purpose. He wasn't supposed to exist — the form he had, he wasn't supposed to have it. But he had it. But he existed. He was here already, and there was no changing that fact. But he wasn't like the skin he was wearing, he wasn't like the person he was trying to replace. Yes, ‘Hikaru’ wasn't human, he wasn't a human, but a person. He was very much a person on his own. For someone who had difficulty understanding the functions of humanity, for someone who was closer to beastiality than humanity, he was more of a person than most people. Yoshiki realized it recently.
But he also had his memories, he also ‘lived’ those memories — somewhere, still, somewhere, the black-haired boy was hoping that a trace of the past, a trace of the precedent remained in him. Yoshiki was hoping ‘Hikaru’ still had parts of him.
For Yoshiki,
‘Hikaru’ was the last remnant of Hikaru. The proof that he once existed, that he was once alive.
He wondered many times…if the last piece had to completely disappear, then what ? What would come out of it ? What would happen ?
Well, at first, everyone would be sad. Everyone would ‘mourn’. But after a while, they'd move on, they'd have no other choice but to move on. The dead don't come back…except they did, this time. But for how long was he the same person? What made a person ? Their memories, their cells ? Experience…?
If the light died forever, Yoshiki won't see again, forever.
He would have no reason to stay in this suffocating world. No reason to push through. No reason to live, to breathe, to exist. He will simply find death. Even at his own hands— did it matter ? No. Not if there was a chance. Maybe in death, they'd find each other again. He was waiting for him, cheerfully. They'd see the rest of the world together. Yes, together… Living had no value if they couldn't live together.
But he couldn't. Not yet. Not when there was still a chance that Hikaru was still on earth. Not when there was still a chance the original one could somehow come back… come back as himself. If that chance existed, no matter how slim, and no matter how much danger it involved, Yoshiku had to take it. He had to seize it. Or else the regret would be too much to bear. He'd die without even trying. His spirit would resent him — Hikaru would resent him.
“If ya weren’t here, I'd have no reason to live.”
‘Hikaru’ looked at him, his eyes getting more wet — then tears flew down his cheeks, and he sniffled hard. ‘Hikaru’ was such an emotive person. If it was him, he would have never cried at this, but maybe get angry, maybe get happy. Yoshiki didn't know exactly what he would do anymore. It was like he was fading away each passing second. Fading from reality, from his memories, from his heart. But with his double, as long as that double was still here, next to him, he was forced to remember.
“So for that, I'm grateful to you, ‘Hikaru’.”
Grateful for being held away from death, yet, resentful for staying so close to life...