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Herta and Screwllum had been friends ever since the 2nd grade spelling bee where both of them were finalists and the judge had to award them BOTH first since it was just going on and on and on… But that wasn’t the point. The point was that both of them found that they clicked and decided to just conveniently pick the same electives every year they could.
It just so happened that a certain Veritas Ratio was in their art class in 3rd grade. That’s how Ratio and Screwllum became friends. Never as good of friends as Herta and Screwllum though, partially because Herta refused to include Ratio in anything they did, claiming that he’d be too boring to get it. And by it she meant whatever they were doing, whether it’d be a game, or a project. It was either that or claiming he was too stupid to understand a game of rock paper scissors. So it’s really just been him and her, with a sprinkle of Ratio here and there.
This is all to say that when Herta asked for Screwllum’s help with something, he didn’t mind doing so. Unfortunately, he wasn’t filled in on what he’d be helping her with. Turns out it was romance, an area in which he had no experience whatsoever.
So now they were in the media center, sitting in a pod, with Herta looking at him expectantly. “Well?” She cleared her throat, “Here, I’ll say it again. Are you attached to a space shuttle by your pants? Because your ass is out of this world.”
“...” Screwllum shook his head. “Herta while that pickup line is objectively horrible, it should be noted that I do not have any experience with romance in the slightest.” His eyes shifted between a now irritated Herta and his computer screen. “I don’t think I’m qualified to be helping you in this daunting task.”
Herta groaned, taking the computer away from him so he had nothing else to look at. “Well too bad. You’re the only person I can go to for something like this. Plus, you are experienced in romance. Before you say anything,” She held up a finger to tell Screwllum to SHUT UP because she was still yapping, “because I suspect you’re too oblivous to understand, you’ve been giving Mr. “Smarter Than You” Ratio the cold shoulder since 3rd grade. Not the cold shoulder more like..” She hummed, tapping her pen against her pod, “More like you don’t know that he likes you. Correction: liked. He has a boyfriend now.”
Oh. Screwllum didn’t know that. This information will now be used as an argument against her. “So you should go to him for romance advice, yes? Even if he’d be reluctant to give you advice as your history together isn’t the best his position on the topic would provide more insight and value than mine.”
Still tapping her pen, Herta’s face scrunched up into a frown. “I’m not going to him for this either way. Never ceases to annoy the hell out of me whenever we talk.” A small vibration. Herta always had her phone on silent mode, so it must be hers. She pulled it out and started using it while she continued. “It’s simple: I like, and trust, you more than him and if I’m gonna get in Mei’s pants I need an associate I can put up with, right?”
“...” Screwllum sighed, watching as her eyes didn’t bother looking up to meet his. “Perhaps I can personally request Ratio’s input on the subject? Again, I feel.. Almost underqualified to be helping you here while he has far superior knowledge of.. Romance. I guess.” He slooooowly reached for his computer. “Anyways, I’ll just continue to-”
“Oh, yeah go ask Ratio.” Herta stopped him in his tracks. She didn’t even care, did she. She glanced up from her phone, studying Screwllum’s ever blank expression. Herta groaned, “Ugh! Do you really need me to come? Do I look like a babysitter to you?”
“No, but I’d prefer to not. Go alone.” Screwllum’s expression was still blank, but in his head he was doing the pleading eye emoji. Herta’s frown only deepened, but she still sighed, packed up her stuff, and started dragging him out of the library.
Finding Ratio shouldn’t be that hard. Issue: Him and Ruan Mei are in the same wing. Solution: Avoid Ruan Mei at every turn. This lead to many occurrences in which Herta and Screwllum would round a corner only for Screwllum to explain in a slight deadpan, “Fair lady spotted, 3 o’ clock.” Then Herta would go through another way to make sure they didn’t bump into her.
After 15 minutes, they managed to find Ratio, who was far from pleased to see the two of them there. “What do you two…” He paused, as if trying to find an insulting name in his head. He then proceeded to get out a Thesaurus to actually find an insulting name. After a few minutes of awkward silence and paper flipping, he gave up. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be in the other wing?”
“Herta has an inquiry!” Screwllum chirped happily, pushing Herta forward a bit. Herta seemed absolutely mortified at the action.
As Ratio glared down judgementally, Herta cleared her throat. “Well I was wondering- What’s with the look!?” Ratio rolled his eyes and shifted to a more neutral expression. “Okay, that’s better. Now I was wondering how you pulled Aventurine.”
A beat of silence. A lick of sweat falls off Ratio’s forehead. The two of them were just staring at him. His hand twitched slightly on the rim of his book. Neither of them had broken the staring contest yet, but Ratio had lost ages ago.
Herta broke the silence. “Did he.. Pull you…” Another beat of silence. She snorted, “Hah! I thought you said- Oh, oh my gosh!” As she laughed for some reason that Screwllum couldn’t understand. She was leaning against him for support while Ratio was making a face like he had just been publicly humiliated.
“That’s not the point Herta..” Screwllum started, but paused to give Herta and Ratio a moment to compose themselves. After that moment he continued, “Herta here wants to date Ruan Mei but doesn’t know where to start, so she asked me to assist her. Unfortunately I have little to no experience in such matters so we’ve relocated to your side of the school to kindly request your help with this task.”
Ratio glanced to Screwllum, then back to Herta, who was so red that it could be mistaken for an illness. “This isn’t a joke?” Herta shook her head with such intensity that Screwllum was half sure it would fly right off. Ratio scoffed, “Well, if I’m being honest, Aventurine did profess his love for me before I could profess mine for him. His was.. Elaborate. Gave me a Rolex.” He motioned to said Rolex, on his wrist. It complimented him well. Screwllum wouldn’t comment on it though. “Custom made. At least a hundred grand spent on our relationship when it was uncertain if it would even bloom.”
Screwllum leaned to Herta. “He seems very fond of him.”
Herta leaned back. “He’s a fag.”
“Herta you can’t say that word.” Blink blink. Screwllum was looking at her like a dog disappointed at their owner.
“Blehh.” Herta looked back like she had just seen the funniest thing in the world unfold before her eyes.
“I can hear the both of you, you do realize that right?” Oh right, Ratio was here. He seemed more than displeased at the slur that was used to refer to him. “Ignoring that comment.. I suppose Aventurine’s alright. I did say yes afterall, he is my boyfriend it’s just that sometimes he really…” He trailed off. After just a moment of this, he continued, “But- You aren’t hear for the talk about how romance isn’t always perfect and whatnot. I don’t know if I can help you with this, but my advice would to be sincere. Don’t plan out a script you read out from, let it come out from your… Heart… Listening to myself that sounds…”
“Like a bunch of hoopla, yeah I get it.” Herta interjected. She turned to Screwllum, crossing her arms. “See Screw? He provided as much help as you would.” She grabbed his wrist and started dragging him away. Screwllum did make sure to wave to Ratio before they turned the corner though. Ratio gave a small wave back to him.
The next day rolled around and today Screwllum had Advanced Calculus with Ruan Mei. The two of them had this strange non verbal agreement to sit next to each other so they wouldn’t feel isolated in the busy class. They’d talk to each other only when needed, a well deserved break from everything else.
“...” Screwllum lightly tapped the table to get Mei’s attention. She glanced to him, then back to her work. Okay, great, that meant she was listening. “Herta wants to talk to you about something.” Before Ruan Mei could ask what Screwllum presumed she was going to ask, he answered the question she clearly had in her head like some strange version of 4D chess, only that it was not in fact chess but just a regular conversation. “She was too embarrassed to tell you herself.”
Ruan Mei shook her head. “Where does she want to talk?” Drats. Screwllum guessed wrong. “Also, she can just text me this.” She went back to her work, and so did Screwllum. After a moment she tapped the desk and shared a glance with him. “What’s the topic?”
“I can’t say.”
“Related to our project?”
“In a sense.”
“Private or will you be there?”
“Emotional support, most likely.”
She fully turned her head to him, raising her eyebrows ever so slightly. “Is it that serious?” Ruan Mei looked back at her paper, pensive. “And.. This is for my ears alone?” Drats again. Despite his best efforts to help the situation it seems he’s only served to worsen it. Herta didn’t even want to talk to Ruan Mei today! Oh.. Oh now he has to do… A lot of cleanup. Drats.
“No. Not serious.” Screwllum shook his head at a pace he’d consider frantic. “Herta is just.. Oh she should’ve told you this not me…”
“Correct..”
“I apologize.”
Ruan Mei sighed, shaking her head. “I’ll.. We should use the group chat to discuss this, shouldn’t we?” Rhetorical. The answer was clear to both of them. With a mutual understanding and a nod, the conversation was over until an undetermined later date in the group chat him, Mei, and Herta all used to discuss their programing project. They were all going to use it for their thesis, so communication was vital to the project’s progress. But still, Herta insisted on naming the group chat “that feeling when autism diagnosis is tomorrow” with the group icon being a hue shifted puple Grinch.
—
that feeling when autism diagnosis is tomorrow
Robot Man
@Ourple @Mei (Stop changing my name)
Hello.
Herta are you ready?
Ourple
NO
NO ININONKDNSFHSDOIFHOEWWHJKFHS
ZAWG 😭
Uh
Uhmm
Mei meet me at the cat cafe pretty please 4 pm today pretty please
Mei (Stop changing my name)
👍
Ourple
YAYAYAYAYAAYY
Robot Man
Am I the emotional support?
Ourple
You can be there yeah
—
Screwllum arrived at 4:03, not very punctual but he couldn control the traffic. When he stepped through the doors, he was greeted with the sight of Herta sipping her coffee so frantically that it was a miracle she hadn’t spilt any yet. When their eyes locked, she motioned to the section of the cafe where most of the cats were. There was Ruan Mei, presumably having been there at 4 pm on the dot. The most he could do was give her a reassuring thumbs up as she finished her drink. After throwing it, he dragged her to the cat section.
“Ah. I thought you’d never come.” Ruan Mei was speaking to Herta, not Screwllum. He understood that, so he sat next to a brown tabby that seemed to like him. This was the most privacy he could give them while still emotionally supporting Herta- Or at least that’s what he concluded from the few moments he took to scan the cafe.
Herta rubbed the back of her neck. “Traffic. My bad.” There was a long pause. Mei was waiting for her to say something. “Ah uh.. I wanted to talk to you because… Shit uhm..” She put her head in her hands as a small orange cat pawed at her. Mei just seemed confused, but she was still listening attentively. Herta turned to Screwllum who just gave her the exact thumbs up he’d given her before.
She turned back to Mei. “I- I really like you! Fuck, that’s corny…” Herta chuckled as Mei tilted her head in slight confusion. Upon realizing she needed to elaborate, Herta only got more nervous. “As.. As in romantically? Why am I saying it like a question- I’ve had a crush on you for like 2 months.” Another pause. “W-Would you consider being my girlfriend?”
Mei put a hand on her chin, looking at Herta, then Screwllum, then the cats they were surrounded by. Then she nodded. “Sure.” Looking at Ruan Mei was like looking at the Mona Lisa. She was beautiful, yes, but to Screwllum it was impossible to tell if she was smiling in the moment. Herta’s excitement was much more obvious, she wore it on her face.
Awkwardly, she went for a kiss. She backed out when she realized Mei was unrpepared, to which Mei turned her head a bit and pointed at her cheek. Herta gave her a little peck on the cheek, and then turned away from here. “That’s all. Not doing anything else unless you pay me back for that.”
Mei gave her a peck back, rather suddenly. Herta squealed. Loudly. Around 4 cats were startled by it, but not the tabby that had now placed itself comfortably on Screwllum’s lap. Oh dear. How was he going to get up now? Herta turned to Screwllum, noticing the cat on his lap. She then turned to Mei, probably holding in a laugh. “Could we stay a little longer? Screw’s trapped.”
Ruan Mei leaned to look past Herta and to Screwllum, who was in fact, trapped with a cat on his lap. He awkwardly waved at her, to which she waved back. She nodded, “Sure. Are all drinks on you?” Herta nodded.
“What do you want?” She got off, dusting her pants slightly. The orange cat which had taken a liking to her seemed sad at her getting up, but being that it was a cat cafe it wasn’t like it couldn’t just follow Herta out.
“Ah…” Ruan Mei probably hadn’t considered her order, looking down. “Could.. Do they have hot chocolate? For Christmas season and all..?”
Herta shrugged. “Think so. You, Screw?”
Screwllum looked at the two of them. He hadn’t considered what he was going to order either. “I’ll just take.. Whatever you’re having?” Herta rolled her eyes at him and left the cat filled section to go order their drinks.
Screwllum hadn’t been to the cafe very much. It was mainly just Ruan Mei’s thing, and considering how many cats were crowding her, she must have frequented this place a lot. But now that this place held a happy memory in his heart, he could consider coming here more often. Probably with Herta. Maybe Ratio could tag along, and Stephen too whenever he got to visit. As Herta came back and dragged Mei closer to Screwllum so they could all talk, he couldn’t help but smile. This project was becoming much bigger than he could ever imagine. Forging not only friendships, but romance.