Chapter Text
It’s not a secret that mental health affects one’s physical health, which might be why a whole week goes by before Jihoon recovers fully. He spends seven days chained to his bed, a prisoner of his own thoughts, and he can’t get Sanghyeok’s final words out of his head.
One last thing.
A part of Jihoon – the one responsible for inducing as much self-hatred as possible – tries to convince him that Sanghyeok is mad at him and wants to get out of his life, done with his irrational behavior. And it’s selfish after he spent three weeks treating him like a stranger, but Jihoon doesn’t want to go back to how it was before that trip to Gangneung.
Still, he knows that’s not true. Even without ripping Sanghyeok’s chest open and nestling inside to listen to his heart, he knows that the one he loves is so kind that his words come from a place of respect for Jihoon’s feelings. He had been so distant and cold that Sanghyeok had probably assumed he was no longer wanted around. And Jihoon spends the whole week with his finger hovering over his name, desperate to call and tell him that he is so, so wrong. But he doesn’t know how to, so his thumb never touches the screen before it dims.
Jihoon doesn’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse, but returning to work is inevitable. It’s early in the morning and he’s eating leftover rice for breakfast when his bitter laugh echoes through the kitchen. It’s the first of January – he hasn’t seen Sanghyeok since last year. And today might be the last day he gets to talk to him normally unless he manages to get the apology he’s been writing out in his head for the last few days. That is if Sanghyeok actually accepts it.
Too nervous about today’s outcome, Jihoon works in isolation and avoids any kind of social contact. Sanghyeok’s gaze from across the aisle leaves his body feeling on fire but he remains stubbornly focused on the screen in front of him and pretends it doesn’t affect him. Jihoon tries to convince himself he won’t miss the other’s eyes on him.
On the rooftop his seclusion finally ends when Siwoo sits on the bench next to him, lunchbox on his lap.
“Happy New Year,” his colleague greets cheerfully.
Jihoon’s guilt doesn’t let him look at him and he only nods in response, head hanging low. He wants to speak up but the words are stuck in his throat. He hadn’t picked up a single one of Siwoo’s calls this week.
“Jihoon-ah,” Siwoo sighs, as he places a gloved hand on top of his head, “when exactly are you going to stop being so hard on yourself? Do you realize that people who care about you understand you without needing to hear the words come out of your mouth?”
A sharp inhale before the dam finally breaks, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Jihoon chokes out, face hidden behind his hands. “I wanted to call you and tell you that I’m not okay but I didn’t know how to. And even after I talked to him, I feel like it’s just going to get worse now.”
“What even happened between you and Sanghyeok-hyung?” Jihoon finally looks at Siwoo and he realizes he never got to talk to him after that day all hell broke loose.
When he’s done explaining, his colleague puts his lunchbox on the bench next to him and wraps his arms around Jihoon without a single word. They stay like that for a while, Jihoon’s face buried into the other’s scarf and Siwoo’s fingers playing with the ends of his hair. And Jihoon finally understands that this is what he had needed in the past three weeks while he felt like his world was falling apart and he had somehow managed to do everything wrong.
“You little dummy,” Siwoo finally murmurs in his ear but it’s so much more gentle than his usual playful mocking. “It would be so boring if you knew the answer to everything, don’t you think? Sometimes you don’t get love right from the first time and that’s alright. But you should never regret it, no matter the outcome, so try being honest with your feelings for once.”
He pats Jihoon’s head gently, who only manages to nod again, tears that once stung his eyes now rolling down his cheeks and landing on soft wool.
“What about this – if you get rejected, just call me and I’ll come buy you dinner while you complain about how unfair life is,” Siwoo says before he lets go of Jihoon, only to put his hands on his cheeks and pull him back to look at his face.
When Jihoon’s lips start to wobble and his vision disappears completely behind the tears in his eyes, his colleague laughs cheekily like he always does when he successfully takes on the role of the middle school bully.
“Oh, c’mon–”
“I don’t wanna get rejected,” Jihoon wails and he will probably be really embarrassed about it later but right now the only scenario that occupies his head is Sanghyeok standing in front of him, eyes full of pity, and saying something along the lines of ‘you’re a great guy, Jihoon-ssi, but…,’
And Siwoo is obviously not on his side, since he can’t stop laughing and shaking his head in something akin to disbelief while he wipes the tears from his cheeks. That only upsets Jihoon more which in turn amuses Siwoo further. It’s a vicious circle until Jihoon finally calms down and moves away so his colleague can start eating his lunch.
“What if he really rejects me?” Jihoon asks quietly. “I don’t know if I can keep acting normally around him if that happens.”
Siwoo chews his food, seemingly deep in thought, before he replies, “I’m not going to say he won’t because I’m not Sanghyeok-hyung and I can’t be sure how he feels but I promise you that even if he does, it won’t be the end of the world for a long time.”
“How do you know?” It’s a childish reply but Jihoon doesn’t have the strength to care about being mature right now.
His colleague turns to him with an embarrassed smile on his face.
“Cause I got rejected twice before my ex finally agreed to date me,” Siwoo looks down and stuffs the last spoonful of rice in his mouth before he shakes his head, as if reminiscing about that time. “What an asshole Jaehyuk was and yet I still waste my time missing him.”
“But you guys still dated,” Jihoon retorts.
“And how did that benefit me in any way?” Siwoo scoffs. The lid of the lunchbox closes with a click and he looks into the distance. “I don’t really mean that, by the way. I don’t regret falling in love with him even though we ended on bad terms. That’s actually the only thing I wish I did differently.”
“If you were okay with remaining friends then why did you ask him out twice, then?
Siwoo laughs at his call-out, “Because I knew this motherfucker was testing me, that’s why. He wanted me, maybe even more than I wanted him, but he was a crazy bastard who took everything as a challenge, so he was checking if I was serious about him.”
“He was lucky his research subject was another crazy bastard like you,” Jihoon scoffs in disbelief.
“And you’re lucky Sanghyeok-hyung is a literal angel that fell from heaven to bless us with his presence,” Siwoo chuckles and Jihoon has to smile because it’s the truth, after all. His colleague looks at him with a knowing smile. “Still, I was fine with remaining Jaehyuk’s friend but if you can’t be anything less than Sanghyeok-hyung’s lover, then that’s okay too, you know. There’s no formula to love.”
For the first time in a long time, the heavy chain around Jihoon’s heart drops with a loud clang. And once unbound, he can’t even begin to understand how he ever believed that he was going to survive with his feelings locked away like a dirty secret only he knew. He had been so selfish and scared, so hell-bent on protecting his own heart, that he had forgotten that the least courtesy he owed Sanghyeok was his honesty.
His biggest sin was pretending that Sanghyeok wouldn’t be gentle no matter what his answer was. That he wouldn’t smile warmly at him even if the words that came out of his mouth weren’t what Jihoon wanted to hear. That he wouldn’t continue treating him with kindness the same way he had ever since the first time Jihoon walked into that meeting room, clammy hands grasping the end of his new suit jacket.
“I understand,” Jihoon finally says and the honesty in his words melts away the last remnants of the doubt and regret that had polluted his heart for days. “Thank you, hyung.”
He looks at Siwoo whose content gaze is already on him, “Don’t mention it, dummy.”
And Jihoon finally realizes that even when the sun goes down today and tomorrow remains a mystery, he can be sure of one thing. He’s going to be alright.
Time flows like a river but Jihoon’s day goes by like a mountain spring, carving through ancient rocks along its path.
By the time the cat clock on his desk shows five, he’s already run his hand through his hair about a thousand times, creating something similar to a bird’s nest on his head. He’s also made sure to eat only one single cookie from the vending machine so that he doesn’t throw up from nerves, which leaves him so hungry that he starts hoping Sanghyeok will take him out for dinner so that he can at least finally eat if he gets dramatically rejected.
“Jihoon-ssi?” A voice pulls him out of his trance and his head snaps up.
Being under so much stress also means that his brain is mostly turned off, so it takes him approximately five seconds to realize he’s staring at Sanghyeok like he’s seeing him for the first time. He gets up from his chair at record speed, sending it spinning at the other side of his desk, but his eyes never leave the other man’s face. He’s missed Sanghyeok for so, so long and now that he finally has to face him, the words get stuck in his throat.
“I–” He starts even though he has no clue what he wants to say. I’m so sorry for ghosting you but I have a valid reason, which is that I’m so incredibly in love with you that I got scared you would reject me and never want to see me again, so I thought I’d just hide from you for the rest of my life even though I can barely survive a single day without seeing your face.
Thankfully, Sanghyeok is so kind that he doesn’t allow Jihoon to embarrass himself by saying something similar to that, even when he doesn’t actually know what’s currently going on inside his head.
“Let’s talk later,” he suggests, the small smile on his face setting off an automatic nod from Jihoon even as the ringing in his ears gets so loud he can barely hear anything. “I want to take you somewhere, if you don’t mind.”
They leave the office and Jihoon follows the other man like a lost puppy, head hanging low and feet dragging against the pavement. Once they’re on the bus, he steals glances at Sanghyeok in the window until their eyes meet and he looks away, too afraid he’ll really run his mouth if he sees one more warm smile.
Sanghyeok remains silent but Jihoon is done wallowing in self-pity so he knows it’s not out of anger. They’ve always been comfortable in each other’s silence, after all.
He contemplates asking where they’re going but before he opens his mouth he realizes he doesn’t need to know. He’d go anywhere if it meant having Sanghyeok next to him. So he stays quiet and focuses on the way slim fingers brush against his every time the bus stops.
They get off at a familiar stop, as snowflakes find their new home on their coats before melting forever. When his glasses get too wet, Sanghyeok takes them off to gently rub the water off with his scarf, and Jihoon makes the mistake of staring at the snow crystals on his eyelashes. He looks away because looking at Sanghyeok is like sticking your hands under hot water in the winter – it brings him momentary relief but at some point, he starts burning with each passing second.
When Sanghyeok finally stops, Jihoon is so lost in his own thoughts that he keeps walking ahead, nose buried in his scarf as he looks at his feet. Suddenly, cold fingers grab his hand, forcing him to halt and turn around.
A store sign flickers behind Sanghyeok. It’s the first day of the new year and the street is empty, so Jihoon can only look at the face he’d been avoiding for so long that he’d almost forgotten the way it gently erases every worry from his mind.
They stand like that, hand in hand, whilst the snow keeps falling around them and Jihoon can’t understand how he had been so stupid to believe he could ever be fine with pretending nothing ever happened. Suddenly, it doesn’t matter what he will be after today, as long as it means he can keep looking at Sanghyeok and burn.
“We’re here,” he hears his colleague say but he can’t even take his eyes off his face to see where ‘here’ is. Even when the other man looks at the shop next to them, Jihoon can’t move. He doesn’t want to move. “But I think it’s closed now since I messed up with the buses and it took us way too long.”
Jihoon hadn’t even noticed they’d gotten on the wrong bus. But it doesn’t matter where he says it. He just has to say it.
“Maybe we can–”
“Sanghyeok-hyung,” it’s the first time Jihoon has ever interrupted him. It’s also the first time he’s allowed himself to address him so intimately and the other man’s head snaps back to him, eyebrows raised in surprise. “I really need to tell you something.”
“Mn,” Sanghyeok replies softly. Where blood once thumped in Jihoon’s ears now there is only silence, “you can tell me anything.”
Jihoon is never one to oppose him, so he takes a deep breath and does just what is asked of him.
“One of the first memories I have of joining the company is entering the meeting room and my eyes snapping to you like a magnet. I didn’t know a single thing about you but I thought you were scary yet cool, cool but also a bit scary. It’s probably because we never really talked that I got so guarded around you after that. I wanted to be more than just another one of your colleagues but I confused your composure with indifference and grew hostile. I thought that if you couldn’t be my friend, then I’d rather have you as my enemy.”
Jihoon’s fingers go numb from the cold and he adjusts his grip on Sanghyeok’s hand so it doesn’t slip away from his. He takes a shaky breath and licks his lips before continuing.
“In Gangneung I realized I was a massive fool because the few hours we spent together will probably remain in my memory forever. You looked so content exploring the city even if it had to be with a stranger like me and I suddenly felt so desperate to see you happy around me even if it was for just one more time. But you were so kind and you let me take you to places you’d probably already been to a thousand times; in return, you showed me new things and you have no idea how much that meant– how much it means to me.”
Jihoon’s voice gets so heavy with emotion that it almost cracks. He’s terrified of the outcome of the words that slip past his lips yet they feel so innate, so alike his own breath. So he keeps his eyes trained on Sanghyeok and lets himself breathe until there is nothing left in his lungs.
“I love you,” he whispers not because he’s scared of the word anymore, but because he has waited for far too long. “It might be cruel to say it now after I spent weeks avoiding you because I was so afraid to risk it all for my selfishness. But I need you to know how I feel and even if you can’t reciprocate my love, I’ll be fine with time. I promise I’ll try my hardest to get over it and go back to–”
Jihoon never gets to finish before he gets yanked forward by the hand that holds Sanghyeok’s. And then every single thought disappears from his head, as in the cold winter afternoon soft lips press against his.
And Jihoon has never kissed anyone before but somehow he is sure this is the best first time he could ever have.
Sanghyeok kisses him gently like he knows all of Jihoon’s worries like the back of his hand and they melt away like ice cream in the heat. His fingers find the back of Jihoon’s neck and they’re so very cold yet they burn his skin much like summer sun rays do.
When Sanghyeok tries to pull away, Jihoon wraps his arms around his waist needily and whines into the kiss, too greedy to care about keeping his cool and pretending like he hasn’t been imagining this for as long as he can remember. Sanghyeok’s lips curl into a smile against his and it leaves him so breathless that he ends up being the one to pull away first, still a bit conflicted on whether he needs to breathe to survive or if kissing Sanghyeok until he drops dead is enough.
Jihoon keeps his eyes closed for a moment, too afraid he’ll look up and find out it’s all an illusion of his love-sick brain. But when he finally opens them, Sanghyeok is still right in front of him, smiling fondly as the snowflakes continue landing on his cheeks, turning them a beautiful red. Or maybe he’s blushing. Jihoon hopes he is, at least.
“Get over me?” Sanghyeok whispers and his breath ghosts against his lips. “Hardly.”
And Jihoon doesn’t even have to think of an answer because Sanghyeok kisses him again, this time harder so that Jihoon almost stumbles back, knees already weak from shock. It’s cold but it doesn’t matter – all he feels is Sanghyeok’s lips on his, his hands buried in his hair, his chest pressed against him.
Jihoon’s brain turns into mush and he only knows he’s completely content with standing in the snow for the rest of his life if it means he gets to continue kissing Sanghyeok until they turn into ice statues. That guy can even put them on posters and stick them on the glass doors of the office, for all he cares. He’d be doing him a favor by letting everyone know Jihoon was blessed by the gods since he’s allowed to hold an angel in his arms until the cold takes both of them. Maybe he can convince Sanghyeok to help him set a new record for the longest kiss. That would benefit him greatly.
Before he gets to do a test run, a loud bang comes from the store window next to them and they both turn towards it, breaking apart much to Jihoon’s disappointment.
A black cat lies on a bookshelf behind the window, staring at them with something he assumes to be judgment, its paw still on the glass as if it was trying to throw a punch at them. Jihoon has his own experiences with homophobic cats but they were always hostile only towards Siwoo, so he can't help but feel a little bit embarrassed. Getting scolded by a cat for kissing a colleague is a first for him.
He turns to Sanghyeok who looks back at him at the same time, so obvious in the way he tries to hold back his laughter.
Jihoon groans in annoyance and the other man finally breaks, giggles spilling from his mouth without restraint. Sanghyeok’s hands keep playing with his hair when he buries his face in his chest until he finally calms down, all while Jihoon stares down at him, completely smitten. He doesn’t understand why the homophobic cat amuses Sanghyeok so much but he supposes he doesn’t need to, as long as he continues laughing in his arms.
When the other man manages to catch his breath, he lifts his head from Jihoon’s chest only to look up at him, a warm smile adorning his face. It’s at that moment that Jihoon finally realizes how fucked he is because if a small grin from Sanghyeok is enough to make his knees buckle, then he’s pretty sure their next kiss is going to send him into cardiac arrest. And he knows he’s lost it for sure because the thought of it all is somehow not bad at all.
“I don’t think this cat is going to let us in the next time we come,” Sanghyeok says cheekily and Jihoon realizes he doesn’t even know where they are, so he turns to the shop.
He looks up at the sign of the store to see a fat cat lying on top of a thick tome. Jihoon’s head snaps back to the one on the bookshelf and its eyes glow like car headlights, much like they had the first time he’d seen it on a snowy evening in December. Back then he’d thought it was just like Sanghyeok, stern on the outside yet silly on the inside.
“You wanted to take me here?” He asks with the little breath he has left and Sanghyeok only nods in response.
And Jihoon wants to say so many things but he can’t find the words, so he just kisses him again. Judging by the way Sanghyeok smiles against his lips, Jihoon thinks he must understand.
“You’re going to have to work on expressing your thoughts with words before you suck the life out of me,” Sanghyeok chuckles after he finally pushes him back playfully.
“I’m good at talking,” Jihoon quickly retorts before realizing his radio silence in the last few weeks doesn’t really help prove his point. “Or at least decent at it. I’d rather learn something I don’t know much about.”
Sanghyeok raises an eyebrow at that, as he finally lets go of Jihoon so he can pick up the briefcase he’d dropped on the ground.
“As in?” He asks and Jihoon scoffs because he knows it’s pretend naivety.
“Not only did I have my first kiss interrupted by a stupid cat, but I also have to spell it out for you?” He asks and Sanghyeok nods in reply but the smile on his face is so mischievous, as he mumbles something about seniority and respect. Jihoon thinks he has a lot more to learn about his prime and proper colleague. Through words and maybe through actions. They say repetition is the key to learning a new skill, after all. “How about we continue the lesson at my apartment? It’s warmer and there are no cats.”
“Be warned that I’m a strict teacher,” Sanghyeok says, as he interlocks their fingers and tugs Jihoon towards the bus stop they’d gotten off at what seems like an eternity ago. “Maybe with my help, you’ll get out of Masters.”
Jihoon stops in his tracks, pulling Sanghyeok back with him. He pouts and the latter adds insult to injury by not even trying to hide his laugh.
“That’s not what I meant,” Jihoon sulks because he’s so desperate that he doesn’t even care about embarrassing himself anymore.
Sanghyeok giggles again and Jihoon can’t help but stare because even his smile is heart-shaped. It’s a personal attack on his own heart so he pouts even harder while thinking how unfair it is that he didn’t get to kiss him before today.
“I know,” Sanghyeok replies cheekily. “You’re just so fun to tease.”
Jihoon follows him again and the pout disappears from his face when the other man turns to him, still smiling but this time with an unfamiliar glint in his eyes.
“I can,” Sanghyeok takes the glasses off his face to wipe the water off in his coat. Then he puts them back on and Jihoon gulps loudly because he shouldn’t find this as hot as he does. “Teach you, I mean.”
And Jihoon has always hated school but he has an inkling that this next lesson might change his mind.