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“How does mine look?”
Eddie fumbles with his phone, the camera flipping to show his gingerbread house perched on the dining room table. Buck bursts out in laughter immediately.
“Hey! What gives?” Eddie all but whines, flipping the camera back to his face.
And— okay. Eddie is obviously a very skilled man. The man served for Christ’s sake. But, it seems that Silver Stars don’t exactly translate into cookie decorating skills.
“Why does the frosting look like that?” Buck manages to say in between fits of giggles.
The gingerbread house isn’t bad, per se. It’s just… not the prettiest. There’s what seems to be a double door frosted messily on the front. And a window… maybe? Or was it supposed to be an awkwardly placed wreath? Frosting is smeared in between the walls, and for some reason it looks to be melting. Buck assumed Eddie was going for a classic white, green, and red Christmas color combo with the frosting, but all the colors mixed together to create an unpleasant concrete gray. The gumdrops on the roof are uneven, and judging by the fact the very back two look to be missing, Eddie was snacking while assembling this whole thing. On the bright side— it seems to be structurally sound?
“Dad kept begging me for help,” Chris chimes in from the background, his tone amused. Buck’s smile widens hearing his voice. “He told me his would look like ass compared to yours if I didn’t help.”
“Chris!” Eddie hisses out, his camera on the FaceTime dropping.
Buck laughs loudly as Eddie whisper-yells something about profanity to Chris. Buck is almost positive that he can hear Chris’s responding eye roll.
“Is that so, Diaz? Such little faith in yourself to win?”
Eddie scoffs and picks his phone back up, his face coming into view once more. He’s grinning widely and his cheeks are tinted a light pink, which betray the gruff tone he tries to use. The sight makes butterflies erupt in Buck’s stomach. “First, we’re not competing, so none of us are winning anything. And second, don’t get so full of yourself. I only said that because I know you probably had a Pinterest board full of ideas ready. Mine was straight from the dome.” He taps his forehead for good measure, making Buck giggle again.
“And that turned out wonderfully, didn’t it?”
Buck hears a stifled chuckle in the background from Chris, and Eddie turns his head to scowl at him.
“Lemme see yours then,” Eddie demands as he turns back, his eyes flickering around Buck’s staticky face.
Buck grins big, and flips the camera to show his gingerbread house. Of course, it’s beautiful. Neat edges, symmetrical windows, and even gumdrops. It even has a trees with pretzel trunks decorating the outside.
“Show-off,” Eddie grumbles angrily, the smirk tugging at his lips giving him away easily.
Chris quickly scrambles onto the screen, crowding into Eddie’s space to get a look himself. “Wow, Dad. You wouldn’t have stood a chance even if I did help you.”
Buck feels a sense of pride wash over him, and he lets out a hearty laugh. “Thanks for deciding the winner so fast, kiddo.”
“Cheater,” Eddie covers with a cough, earning a playful scowl from Buck when his camera flips back.
Chris laughs, shuffling off screen. “I’m gonna help myself to your monstrosity, Dad. I wish we were with Buck, though. I’m sure his tastes way better.”
Buck’s face falls, and Eddie goes quiet.
Because that’s the thing, isn’t it? Buck isn’t with them.
He hasn’t been for over a year at this point. And it’s probably been the worst year of Buck’s life.
He remembers the conversation all too well.
Where are you gonna find a place like this in LA at your price point?
They’re not in LA. They’re… in El Paso.
Wait, a-are you serious?
I’m tired of missing out on all my son’s big moments before he grows up.
Buck remembers how nervous Eddie looked. He was avoiding eye contact, rubbing his hands together anxiously. Completely unlike the confident man he’d grown to love. He was scared. Scared of what Buck would think.
And Buck— he couldn’t have that. So Buck powered through, no matter how much it physically hurt to let Eddie go. It felt like someone was carving an Eddie-shaped hole in his heart, one that couldn’t be healed. But he needed to do this. He needed to be supportive. He needed to be there for Eddie, because this was for Christopher. The boy he loves like his own damn son.
And thankfully, Eddie’s plan wasn’t a complete disaster. Chris was more than happy to have his dad near him again. Even though Eddie’s shiny new Texan house was smaller, Chris eagerly helped his dad unpack what things he brought with him. And now, nearing his second Christmas there, Chris spends most of his time with Eddie (much to his grandparents’s chagrin).
With that being said, it’s clear Chris is still working through his issues with Eddie. The biggest tell being that Buck hasn’t heard a word from Eddie of Chris ever even bringing up the idea of moving back to L.A. He seems completely content in El Paso, away from the city that caused him so much pain.
And Buck just feels hopelessly empty. Of course, he’s happy for Eddie and Chris. They’re getting something back that he almost thought they lost. But he can’t help but feel left out, no matter how many times he tells himself this isn’t about you.
Missing Eddie almost feels like a physical being now. Something he lives with. Something he argues with. Something he hates.
Eddie, of course, catches on to Buck’s internal spiral, because why wouldn’t he? He’s literally Buck’s second half. They could probably tell the color of each other’s underwear without a peek. Which is why it hurts so much that they’re so far apart now.
“He mentioned wanting to be with you. That’s something, no?” Eddie tries, breaking the uncomfortable silence. Buck isn’t even sure when Eddie moved to the living room, his camera on the FaceTime now noticeably darker.
“He probably just meant me visiting. Not anything about you guys coming back.”
Eddie frowns. “Don’t be so negative. You were just here for Thanksgiving. I’m sure he would’ve worded it differently if he just wanted you to visit again.”
Buck wants to argue, but he doesn’t want to say anything wrong. Because, at the end of the day, this isn’t about him. Any words die right on his tongue, and Eddie pipes up again.
“Thanks for setting this little thing up. Chris was excited for it. So was I.” Eddie mumbles the last part.
“I miss you,” Buck says, because he has to. Because it’s true. It’s probably the only thing Buck thinks about nowadays.
Sure— he’s visited a few times. He visited when he had time off near New Year’s. He even managed to squeeze in a visit for both Easter and Thanksgiving. (Thanksgiving was a bit awkward. Apparently Eddie’s parents weren’t thrilled to meet the mysterious and reckless Buck person Chris spoke so much about. But, for Eddie, he stood strong.) But, it’s not enough. Sue him if he’s being selfish, but Buck never realized how much he needed Eddie.
He’s been off without his rock, his Eddie. The partners that cycle through to fill in for Eddie at work are never enough. He can never become more than amicable with them, because deep down, he knows they’re replacing the best thing to ever happen to him.
“I miss you too,” Eddie whispers back, his eyes soft and shiny. “I missed your voice.”
And, ouch, Eddie is aware of the fact that they’ve been a bit distant lately. It was right after he came over for Thanksgiving. Eddie didn’t ghost him. He just… became less responsive. Fewer messages. He didn’t have time for calls. It was torture.
Buck decides to change the subject. “Any plans for New Year’s? I would ask about Christmas, but Chris already told me about the dinner your fire station is holding.”
Eddie’s eyes widen, like a deer in headlights. Before Buck can ask what’s wrong, Eddie replies hurriedly. “Nope. I think me and Chris are just gonna stay in. Never was one for fireworks anyway.” He ends it with an awkward laugh, doing nothing to quell Buck’s concern.
“So… you think I should set another FaceTime date between us? I saw this chocolate cake recipe that should be easy enough for you—“
“No!” Eddie cuts in a bit too loudly. He immediately shrinks in on himself when he realizes. “No. Sorry. I think it’s just gonna be a me and Chris day.”
A pang of sadness flashes through Buck’s chest, before he nods and plasters on a fake smile. “Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Father-son New Year’s resolutions. I’ve heard of them.” No he hasn’t. That is definitely not a fucking thing.
Eddie looks guilty, and pointedly avoids eye-contact with Buck. “I’m sorry. I’ll let you know when we’re free. I miss you.”
And Buck can feel the conversation coming to an end. It’s the worst feeling, when Eddie’s tone just flat out tells Buck that they’re done talking. He wishes he could hear Eddie’s voice on loop. And if he’s pulled up videos of Eddie just to hear his voice—just to fall asleep— that’s only for him to know.
“I miss you more. Talk soon?”
“Yeah.”
Buck’s phone goes dark, and he sighs. It’s honestly an amazement to himself that he’s managed a year like this. He thought he’d get better over time, but his chest seems to ache more and more everyday. At this rate, he’ll be dead before New Year’s.
Time flies during the holidays, mostly because Buck doesn’t really care. Everyone kind of already has their own plans, and even though they’d all say yes in a heartbeat if he asked to join, he didn’t want to intrude. So he did what he does best— he wallowed. Eddie has been almost dead silent. Just a few good morning and make sure you rest up today texts. Plain and simple, he’s going crazy.
New Year’s Eve rolls around and he has no plans. Why would he? He was kind of banking on Eddie being free, but Eddie’s words are seared into his brain. His own best friend doesn’t have enough time for him anymore. And it’s selfish and greedy, but he wants Eddie and Chris all to himself. He feels like a cat, hissing and swatting his claws at anyone who comes near his territory.
He’s on the couch with some nondescript holiday movie playing. Christmas is already good and gone, but he couldn't be bothered to find something that fit the occasion better. Do New Year’s movies exist anyway?
He’s not really paying attention, just staring, when the doorbell rings. He groans. It’s probably Maddie or Bobby coming in to check up on him.
They’ve been doing that a lot after Eddie left.
I don’t want you to be miserable.
He’s not disappearing. He still cares for you.
You have us still! Always.
He really appreciates the sentiment, but he’s sort of over it. He knows how much he misses Eddie isn’t healthy, but really, they should’ve expected this. He and Eddie were almost codependent, and now they’ve been torn apart.
Getting up and dusting any crumbs off himself, he hurries over to the door. He begins to speak before even looking at who’s arrived.
“Look, I’m okay. I don’t need another pep talk—“
His words wither away when he looks up.
“Hey,” Eddie says lightly, his face bright and lovely. And Buck— he’s feeling things he can’t name.
Eddie is here. His Eddie.
Without a second thought, Buck lunges forward and captures Eddie’s lips in a desperate kiss. It hit him all at once. He missed Eddie so much because he loved him. All those feelings that bubbled up inside of him near Eddie were pure adoration.
When his own thoughts catch up and realizes he didn’t even ask, Buck tries to pull away. But Eddie’s hand snakes up to the back of Buck’s neck and keeps him close, and he deepens the kiss.
Buck’s mind is fogged in a clash of teeth and tongue before they both pull away, panting and red. Buck doesn’t even remember when he started gripping Eddie’s hips. Eddie looks up with dark eyes, and smiles.
“I didn’t anticipate that.”
Buck laughs. “I didn’t plan that.”
“Can we come in?”
Buck’s head perks up, though his hands remain at Eddie’s side. “We?”
Chris shuffles forward, an unamused expression on his face. “I’m not gonna give you a hug, since you decided to climb my dad like a tree.”
Eddie and Buck both laugh, and Buck pulls away from Eddie scoop Chris up in a hug anyway. He tries to push down any tears from the realization that Chris is so big now.
Buck sets Chris down, but keeps a hand on his shoulder. He sniffles. “What are you guys doing here? I thought New Year’s was gonna be a you guys thing.”
Eddie looks a bit sheepish, and chuckles. “Sorry. I wanted it to be a surprise. That’s why I didn’t text you much. I wouldn’t have been able to shut my big mouth.”
Buck smiles and goes over to hug Eddie tightly again. “How long are you guys staying? I’ll clear my schedule,” he says into Eddie’s shoulder.
Chris giggles. “A while,” he says snarkily.
Buck looks up to and darts his eyes between Chris and Eddie. “Huh?”
Eddie can’t help but chuckle, his face pink. Buck realizes he hasn’t let go and frankly doesn’t want to. “We’re… we decided to move back. Chris said he was ready.”
Buck’s heart stops. He can feel tears well up in his eyes, and he tightens his hold around Eddie.
“Don’t tell me I’m dreaming.”
Eddie smirks. “I can pinch you.”
Buck chuckles wetly, and buries his face in Eddie's shoulder. “Oh my God. You’re really coming back.”
Eddie places a big hand in between his shoulder blades. “We are.”
Chris scoffs and walks inside, and Buck looks up when he hears the sound of a suitcase being rolled with him. He wipes his eyes and asks, “Where are you guys gonna stay?”
Eddie winces, and looks away. “That’s what I needed to ask. We obviously don’t have a house… so can we—“
Buck cuts him off with another kiss. It’s a bad one. He laughs into it and Eddie smiles wide. But Buck would argue it’s the best damn kiss of his life.
“Yes. Please. Stay as long as you want. I want to be near you. I can’t stand being away.”
Eddie only smiles. “I love you.”
“I love you more. And I’m going to teach you how to frost a damn gingerbread cookie.”
Eddie groans.