Chapter Text
“Hey! Hands off the merchandise!” Daniel struggles against whoever is shoving him until he’s quickly spun around and put in a chair, his hands are untied and roughly re-tied behind the chair back but not before he wiggles his pinkie free. Idiots.
The hood that was shoved on his head when the soon to be dead knuckleheads grabbed him off the street in broad daylight – give it up for New York crime rates – is ripped off and two frankly ugly as hell men stand in front of him. Smiling like they’ve won something, or just took a hit off of a strong joint, probably the latter.
“Now all we gotta do is wait and we got him,” One of them bares all his four teeth in a smile and Daniel recoils as much as the chair lets him.
“What the hell are you talking about mate?”
“Shut it!” the other guy smacks Daniel across the face and Daniel grits his teeth. First they ruin the breakfast he was picking up, now they’re hurting his poster pretty face? Oh he’s gonna enjoy watching them die.
“Where’s the boss?”
“I don’t know Mike I thought you told him-”
“Todd you fucking idiot I said once we get him you call him!”
“Oh- shit.”
Daniel rolls his eyes, having successfully untied himself while the two were bickering but holding off on the big reveal. He needs to know what this is all about first. After all, you don’t just kidnap deadpool out of the fucking blue and expect to come away living. He’s worked hard for his reputation you know.
He observes one of them – Mike, the slapper if you will – grab his phone and walk off to dial. Wow, a flip phone, these guys must be straight from the early 2000s. Geez.
“So, wanna fill me in?” Daniel blinks up at the other – Todd – innocently, trying to play the hostage, probably doing a shit job at it but it won’t matter in like ten minutes anyway.
“Look, we’re not gonna hurt ya, we’re just using ya to get to your boyfriend.” Daniel furrows his brow.
“My boyfriend?”
“Yeah! Spider-man!” Todd says excitedly and then shushes himself when Mike twitches in his direction.
Furrowing his brows further – if Daniel gets wrinkles from this kidnapping he’s suing – Daniel takes a second to try to find a polite way to ask where the fuck all this audacity to kidnap him came from.
“So you know who I am?” Todd nods and pauses when Daniel looks skeptical. No fucking way he knows he can’t be that stupid… Right?
“You’re Daniel Ricciardo! Spider-man’s boyfriend! See, our boss has been trying to get him for years but no luck. So me and Mike thought why not go the easy way and go after his loved ones, turns out you’re the only one he has left! Ain’t that great! I mean- not for you but for us.” There are those four teeth again.
Daniel blinks, then blinks again. Then throws his head back with a big belly laugh – you can’t write this shit!
“What’s so funny?!” Todd shouts over the sound of Daniel’s cackling and he tries to calm down, there’s tears in his eyes and he feels rejuvenated in a whole new way. This is so much more fun than he thought it would be.
“You,” he grins cheekily and Todd frowns just as Mike freezes where he’s been standing at the other end of the abandoned warehouse – real original, which comic book did they get this from? – before turning around slowly, pale like a sheet and Daniel’s grin sharpens.
“Y-you’re-” Mike stutters and the phone drops to the floor, some crazy man shouting from the other end which makes Daniel fight another laughing fit.
“Quick question for ya, what’s your boss’ name?” he asks Todd while eyeing the way Mike reaches for his gun, truly hilarious.
“Uh- well I’m not supposed to tell ya,”
“Humor me, you’re gonna kill me after you get my boyfriend after all right?”
“How’d you kno- okay fine his name is Brown, Zak Brown. He’s been wanting Spider-man for years you know… To work for him.” Daniel snorts as Mike starts shouting for Todd to shut the fuck up already.
“Why?! He’s dead anyways!” Oh blessed be Todd and his four teeth. He looks back at Daniel and Daniel rolls his shoulders back, what- he likes putting on a show.
“I’m gonna be nice to ya Toddy, since you were nice to me. I’m gonna give you thirty whole seconds to make a run for it, while I take care of your friend over there. ‘Kay?” Daniel smiles and Todd is so adorably confused.
“Wh-”
“He’s deadpool dumbass!!! We gotta go!” Finally they got it, Daniel was considering spelling it out himself. Could be fun, although he doesn’t have enough limbs with just two guys- hm.
“D-d-”
“Twentyfive seconds Toddy, I’d start running,” Daniel gets out of the chair and rolls the rope around both his hands, making sure to snap it between him just to see the way Mike gulps where he’s standing like a fucking idiot unable to decide whether to shoot or run.
Daniel hears Todd break into a sprint for the door, should take him ten seconds, he won’t be passed the parking lot in time though. Daniel almost feels bad for him, almost.
“S-stop!” Mike yells raising his gun and Daniel tilts his head.
“Now I’d say that’s cheating wouldn’t you Mikey? Scared of a fair fight?” He teases knowing nothing he ever does is fair, again, he has his brand.
He dodges the first bullet aimed for his head, amateur, the second and third hit his side and his right shoulder making him hiss at the spark of pain.
Glancing down he sees the little pools of blood seeping through his –technically Oscar’s shirt– and sighs.
“See, I was gonna let you live, a bit bruised up and a couple broken limbs and all but alive… But now you’ve ruined my favorite shirt. Tsk tsk tsk, we can’t have that can we.” He doesn’t let Mike say another word, frankly annoyed at his existence as a whole. He really loves this shirt and blood is such a bitch to try to clean.
“I-” Daniel leaps the three steps between them and widens his arms out on either side of Mike’s neck before quickly spinning him around making a makeshift noose.
“See how you do it? And I won’t even wrinkle your shirt.” Daniel whispers in his ear and then snaps his hands apart again hearing a satisfying crunch.
He lets go of the rope like it’s something particularly unpleasant and watches Mike drop to the floor, his shirt bunching up a bit in the position he lands in.
“Oops, my bad bud,” Daniel shrugs and looks at his two bullet holes, he looks behind himself to see the bullets on the floor, through and through, nice. One less thing to deal with.
“Ohhh Tooooooddy, how far didya get!?” He shouts as he slams the metal door open and hears a resounding shriek that makes him grin. It’s almost too easy.
He spots Todd at the edge of the empty parking lot, having run the opposite way of the van and seemingly just realizing that. Daniel has to commend Brown for his lackey hiring abilities, the cream of the crop these two.
Daniel has just about reached Todd when there’s a familiar swoosh and then Todd is wrapped up in spider webs. Damn.
“Oh come on! I was having fun,” Daniel whines once Oscar lands lightly next to Todd and lifts him up. Todd looks absolutely terrified and there’s a piss stain on his pants that makes the sting of not getting to kill him lighten a little bit. Still though.
“How about thank you Spider-man for saving me!” Daniel rolls his eyes dramatically and huffs.
“I had it handled.” he deadpans and sees Oscar look him up and down.
“Right, that’s why there’s two bullet holes in yah,” one of his eyes shrink to give him that judgy look he loves to give Daniel –how does he make them so expressive?! – and Daniel looks down at himself pretending to be surprised.
“Oh my, two?? I thought it was three,” he smirks and he knows Oscar is rolling his eyes even though he can’t see it.
“Uh huh, I’m gonna take this guy to the police now if that’s alright.”
“No,” Daniel pouts.
Oscar snorts through his mask and it makes his lip twitch through his pout.
“Yes love, I’ll meet you at home in a bit.” And then he’s off, Todd screaming over his shoulder as they swing away and Daniel tries his very best to not stomp his foot like a toddler not getting his way. He really wanted to kill them both dammit.
“I don’t even know where I fucking am.” He growls to no one and feels around for his phone, the guys hadn’t even tried to take that from him. Amateurs.
Well, nothing left to do but to book an uber and use whatever sympathy he can squeeze out from his two bullet holes for Oscar to get them both lunch. He is starving .