Chapter Text
Beca was tired of not being able to sleep. She sat up, sighing in frustration and stared out of the window at the now familiar LA skyline from her bed. Funny, considering the fact that she had only been here for 2 weeks.
She lay down again and pulled the covers over her head and tried to sleep. Nope not working.
She dropped the blanket and grabbed a pillow, hugging it to her chest. Nope, not working either.
Then her therapist’s words (yes she had a therapist) played in her head, “It’s not that you don’t want to sleep, you are subconsciously afraid to sleep”. WOW EMMA. Maybe she is right. When was the last time I slept well? But the moment she realised it, her stomach dropped.
NOPE I AM NOT GOING THERE. Too late. The memories came crashing down from behind that locked gate.
Suddenly the bed felt so empty. So big. And so so so cold.
So different from that tiny pullout couch in a city miles from here. It was so small and so damn crowded.
But it was so so warm.
She always woke up with red hair in her face, a little spoon against her chest, the smell of cinnamon and the sounds of two people's quiet breathing.
Now there was no warm presence next to her.
Now in her arms there was only a cold pillow.
Now the scent of the lavender air freshener was overwhelming.
Now apart from her own breathing, all was silent. And the silence was drowning her.
She was drowning. Without her Chloe. When was Chloe ever mine anyways?
So maybe Beca was afraid of sleeping.
Sleeping alone.
Sleeping without Chloe beside her.
She told herself she wouldn’t cry about her. Well, that wasn’t happening anymore.
I thought I could forget her. I thought it would be easy.
She made no attempt to stop her tears, nor to wipe her tears. She continued to hug that pillow for dear life, like it was her anchor in this world, like it was Chloe.
Finally when she ran out of tears, exhaustion pulled her under.