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Charlie gets loaded into the ambulance, finally away from his abusive mother.
“Should’ve gotten here sooner,” Eddie laments.
“That kid is just lucky he met you,” Buck says comforting Eddie knowing how hard he is on himself.
Mehta from the 133 calls out to Eddie “hey do you want to ride with the kid back to the hospital?”
“yeah, that’d be gre-“ Eddie is cut off and suddenly there’s blood splattered across buck’s face. He doesn’t feel it at first. all he can think is Buck. Nonono not Buck. and then his legs give out and he starts to feel the burning pain in his shoulder. He collapses and sees Mehta grabbing Buck and pulling him behind the engine.
Good, Eddie thinks save yourself.
-
Buck doesn’t quite get what’s happening yet. Suddenly he’s pinned to the ground as he hears metal pinging off the engine and then he looks up.
He meets Eddie's eyes, for a moment all he can think about is how beautiful Eddie is. Buck's always known that objectively Eddie is an attractive man, but somehow right now he’s realizing that Eddie is beautiful. Then sees the pool of blood growing around him and he realizes what’s going on. Buck has to get to Eddie.
-
Eddie is reaching out to buck. He has to make sure that he’s okay. All he can muster is dragging his fingers across the asphalt. Things start to go fuzzy and his eyes flutter shut.
-
Buck realizes Eddie's eyes are closed. fighting against his mind, Buck flips under the engine to get to Eddie. All he can think about is Eddie. He reaches out and drags Eddie to him crying out from panic? Pain? Desperation? He doesn’t know. When he pulls Eddie to him he realizes that he’s lost a lot more blood than he realized and Eddie isn’t waking up.
Buck clings to Eddie's lifeless body - willing life back into it. knowing that if Eddie doesn’t come back to him, he would die out on this street with him. Buck would beg to be buried with Eddie so that they’d never be apart again and when their bones finally turned to dust their bodies would be indistinguishable from one another. If Buck couldn’t have Eddie in life then he’d settle for being with him in their grave.
Buck, back in his body, springs into action as he lifts Eddie into the back of the 133’s engine and starts working on Eddie. He pushes everyone else away as they try to help, believing that he’s the only one who can save eddie. That it has to be his hands or it won’t work.
As the minutes passed and the fire engine roars through every intersection, grief began to rake through him, his body started to catch up with what his soul refuses to accept. Eddie was dying. Eddie was dead. He began weeping so hard he thought he’d actually die from a broken heart.
Buck had done a lot of research about broken heart syndrome after that call a while back when Thomas had died saying goodbye to his husband Mitchell. He was so fascinated at the idea that your body could love someone so much that it would break open and kill you if you ever lost them. He wondered then, if he would ever love someone that much. and unfortunately he was realizing at this moment that he could and he does.
“Buck…” a voice so quiet he swore it came from inside his mind. Buck felt Eddie's chest rise shallowly, and a hand ghost over his body. “Buck…” the voice was real. Buck sat up looking at Eddie's eyes fluttering open trying hard to focus on him. He almost reaches for Eddie's face but keeps himself from doing it, afraid to get blood on his beautiful face.
Eddie's eyes finally focus, making purchase on Buck’s face. “Buck… Are you hurt?” he finally manages to choke out. Buck exhales not realizing he’d been holding his breath.
“No. No. I'm okay. It’s - it’s not mine.”
“Oh. Good…” and Eddie begins to fade again, his body seemingly at peace with its fate now knowing that Buck was okay.
“Nononononono! Eddie! Eddie! Please stay with me. Please,” buck cries as fear creeps back into his body just as relief had seemed to settle. “Eddie please look at me”
Eddie's eyes seem to fight to stay open, the only thing anchoring him to this plane was Buck's cries. Eddie hates to hear Buck so upset, his soul clinging to this mortal plane by sheer will of love. Yes. Eddie is realizing that he loves Buck. He musters enough strength to bring his hand to Buck’s face to caress his birthmark. Just as he was finally about to say the words the engine comes to a stop and he’s being hauled onto a gurney into the hospital. He gets one last look at Buck standing there as nurses begin to swarm him checking for injuries. He wonders if he’ll remember this epiphany. Or if he’ll even make it out of surgery.
With his anchor gone, Eddie starts to slip again. There's a choir of shouting doctors and nurses and an accompanying orchestra of beeping from god knows what machines. Eddie is put under and while he’s been under anesthesia before this time it was different. He was actually dreaming. or was it a dream? Was he dying? He wasn't sure, but he slowly felt himself surrounded by warmth. And he began seeing flashes of memories from his life.
~
First Eddie sees El Paso. He sees the lake where he met Shannon for the first time. Except looking back now, Eddie's realizing he didn’t really notice her at first. no, he’d been looking at his best friend Roberto. he’d been watching Roberto do flips into the lake, eyeing the way the water glistened on his body and the the way his adam’s apple moved as he took sips from his beer. He was on the verge of realizing something about himself when Shannon approached him and it cut off any discovery he was about to make.
~
He flashes forward to his time in the army. He's playing pickup basketball with some of the guys in his battalion during some free time. It’s hot and sticky, their sand colored fatigues darkening as they sweat through them. Eddie is dribbling, looking for his teammate and battle buddy David. There's an opening and he passes it and David gets a layup. David runs up to Eddie to celebrate “Hell yeah Diaz!”, they chest bump and David slaps his behind. Something stirs in Eddie and his eyes don’t leave David for the rest of the game. Watching how his shirt clings to his chest, drenched in sweat. Couple times David catches him and gives him an odd smile that Eddie can’t quite decipher.
Later when they’re chatting, sitting on their cots David’s legs stretch out and he slots them between Eddie’s. Something stirs again and they make eye contact that feels charged. David has a knowing smile on his face as he tilts his head “Hey, Diaz-“ and suddenly they’re called out and David never gets to finish that thought because it’s the night Eddie’s helicopter is shot out of the sky.
~
Time flashes forward again and it’s his first week at the 118. Buck is posturing and trying to show off and Eddie thinks it’s cute. “Do they ever call you Diaz?” Buck asks him. “Not if they want me to answer,” and Eddie thinks about David, he thinks about how his life always derails just as he’s about to open himself up so he decides to just lock that part of himself away again. But Buck. Buck doesn’t relent, Buck loves unabashedly and he’s been picking away at all the locks Eddie’s put around his heart since Buck told Eddie he would have his back.
-
Buck is distraught. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say, who to turn to. The rest of the 118 come to the hospital to be there for Buck. And they all seem to know something that Buck doesn’t and he hates it. Someone points out that someone needs to tell Christopher about what happened. It’s no question who’ll do it, and as Buck is leaving to get cleaned up to go talk to Christopher, Taylor Kelly shows up to be there for Buck but he barely registers her.
“Hey what happened? Are you okay? I heard there was a sniper?” Taylor steps in front of Buck stopping him.
“I’m fine, but Eddie… He was shot” Buck chokes out. “I need to go tell Christopher, he’s at home with Carla he doesn’t know.”
“Woah, hold up. Why do you have to tell Eddie’s kid? Why can’t someone else tell him? You can’t go like this, this isn’t your responsibility” Taylor protests
“Of course I have to tell him? Eddie is my best friend, and I love Christopher, Eddie would want me to be the one to tell him” Buck says confused as to why Taylor is fighting him on this.
“It’s not like he’s your kid Buck. Shouldn’t your captain or maybe Carla tell him?” she says with a hand on Buck’s chest trying to keep him from going around her and leaving.
“What? Why would you say that? I know he’s not my kid Taylor but I love him and I should be there for his kid,” Buck spits out without realizing the slip up he made.
“You love him?” Taylor says immediately picking up on the Freudian slip.
“Of course I do, he pulled me out of my depression after my accident-“ Taylor cuts Buck off. “No, not Christopher, you just say “I love him and I should be there for his kid” you just said you love Eddie” she argues.
Buck, getting increasingly annoyed with Taylor “He’s my best friend, he’s been there for me through everything. Yes I love him”.
“But you’re in love with him,” Taylor says quietly, pushing Buck to finally just admit it.
“What are you doing? I have to go talk to Christopher. I can’t talk about this right now,” Buck says, trying to move past Taylor.
“No, we have to do this now. Eddie has never liked me and you never defended me to him. I didn’t get it until now. But you’re in love with Eddie! Just admit it,” she starts shouting a little.
“What do you want from me? You want me to say “yeah I’m in love with my straight best friend and I didn’t realize it until I saw him bleeding out on the street in front of me?” He’s in surgery Taylor and I don’t know if he’s going to make it out. So please just let me go home and be with Christopher.” he says as he manages to get around Taylor.
“You just called it home.” Taylor gets out as she moves out of Buck’s way so he could leave.
Buck relieves Carla and slips into Christopher’s room to tell him about Eddie. While he’s talking with him he gets the text that Eddie’s out of surgery and for the second time today lets out a big breath and he sobs with Christopher.
-
Eddie wakes up and he immediately searches for Buck or maybe Christopher but all he sees is Ana. She’s reading a book when his eyes land on her. He forgot about her during all of this, but he’s realizing he didn’t forget his epiphany from earlier. Eddie needs to break up with Ana and tell Buck how he feels. Ana realizes Eddie is awake and puts her book down.
“Edmundo…” she caresses his face, smiling “me asustaste.” (you scared me)
“Ana. Tenemos hablar.”(We need to talk) Eddie gets out. A look passes over her face.
Eddie ends things with Ana. He tells her that he realized that he didn’t love her and that it wouldn’t be fair to her to stay with her while he recovered. The kind soul she is, he knows she would've been there every step of his recovery, all the physical therapy, the doctor’s appointments and he couldn’t put her through that knowing he didn’t see a future with her. Eddie doesn’t tell her what he realized about Buck, he didn't want the first person he told he was in love with Buck to be his now ex-girlfriend. But when Ana asks him who’ll help him through his recovery and he says Buck, a knowing look passes her face. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and says goodbye.
Eddie has a nurse call Buck.
-
Buck rushes to the hospital with Christopher in tow. They walk into Eddie’s room and his face softens.
“Hey Buck,” Eddie says with fondness.
“Dad!” Christopher excitedly walks over to Eddie’s bedside “mijo,” Eddie smiles out.
Buck stays in the doorway looking at the two of them and he feels his heart crack open. Eddie looks up while Christopher is talking about getting to eat ice cream for dinner last night, Buck looks embarrassed but Eddie just smiles at him letting him know it’s okay.
The three of them chat away until it’s time for Christopher to leave, Carla picks him up and Buck and Eddie have some time alone while the nurses get Eddie’s discharge paperwork together.
“So did everything go okay with Christopher last night? He wasn’t too scared was he?” Eddie asks.
“Christopher did great. Better than me actually,” he admits, ashamed.
“oh?”
“Eddie, I’m so sorry I totally lost it last night. I broke down crying and Christopher had to be the one to comfort me. God, I can’t even be there for your kid Eddie. It would’ve been simpler if I’d been the one who got shot.” Buck spills already preparing for Eddie to be ashamed of him for not keeping his cool and potentially further traumatizing his son. But instead Eddie sits closer to him, putting a hand on Buck’s shoulder like he had a million times before but a little closer to his neck this time. Almost cradling it.
“Buck just being there for Chris, letting him know that he wasn’t alone was the best thing you could’ve done for him. He knows how much we mean to you. I don’t think I would’ve fared any better had I had to tell Chris that you were hurt.” Eddie relents.
Buck looks up at Eddie, tears in his eyes. “Eddie, I don’t know what I would've done if you didn’t make it. I would’ve lost you and Chris would have had to go to your parents and I would've been all alo-,” he cuts him off. “But I did make it Buck” Eddie shifts his hand and actually cradles Buck’s face. Buck’s breath hitches.
“Actually Buck, there’s something I need to tell you. About Chris. As you noticed, I almost died. Again.” he laughs with no humor. “It got me thinking, I’ve had a lot of close calls; this wasn’t even my closest.”
“Eddie-”
“Just let me finish, after the last time, when the well collapsed on me. I started to think about what would happen to Christopher if I didn’t make it.” Eddie wills Buck to look him in the eyes and he does. “So I went to my attorney and changed my will, so that if one day, I don’t make it home, my son would be taken care of. By you.” It takes a moment for the gravity of what Eddie just said to him.
“What? Why would you do that Eddie? You have parents, shouldn’t Christoper go to them? Wouldn’t they fight for him?”
“I’m sure they would. They’ve been trying to take Christopher away from me ever since I got stateside. But they raised me and I don’t want that for my son. I want him to grow up around joy, and unconditional love and I never got that from my parents. They didn't even bother to come visit me after the well or even now. And if they did fight you, I know that if I’m not around, there is no one that would fight harder for my son than you Buck.”
“But Eddie Why?” Buck chokes out. Thinking he knows where this is going, hoping.
“Because Evan…” Eddie says squeezing Buck’s shoulder “You just told me that it would be easier if you were the one who got shot and I can’t let you walk around for another day of your life thinking that you are expendable. Because you’re not. Buck, I lo-” he’s cut off by the nurse coming in to hand Buck Eddie’s discharge papers.
Eddie, not being able to continue his thought now that he’s lost his nerve, gets up and just says “C’mon Buck, let’s get home to Christopher.”
Home Buck thinks. Because yes, the Diaz home is his home too. He smiles and grabs Eddie’s bags for him and they leave the hospital.
-
Buck runs out to get groceries, and Eddie is alone with Christopher. They’re on the couch together watching some Pixar movie and Eddie turns to his son. “Mijo, can we talk about something serious?”
“Yeah dad, of course. Is this about what happened?” Christopher asks.
“A little bit, I want you to start seeing your therapist again, the one that helped you after the Tsunami if that’s okay?”
“That’s okay. Is that all?” he tilts his head to his dad.
“Not really Chris. I think we should talk more about what happened but not tonight, let’s appreciate that we’re home together and that I came back to you,” Eddie says warmly, almost a little choked up. “I wanted to talk to you about something I realized during everything, something about myself, and I wanted to tell you before I did anything, to make sure you’re okay.”
“What’s wrong dad?” Christopher asks, a little worried.
“Nada Mi Vida (nothing, my life), this is about Ana and your mom a little.” Eddie shifts not knowing how to explain this to his 9 year old son. “So, back at the hospital, when I was in surgery, I started thinking about my life. I thought about that summer I met your mom, and my time in Afghanistan, and I started to confront some things about myself. And before I get into it I want to make sure you know that I loved your mom so much. She was my best friend. She gave me you and for that she will always be one of the most important people I hold in my heart. You know that right, son? That I loved your mom and no matter how everything ended I wouldn’t change a single thing about my life because it gave me, you?” he says holding his son’s face in his hands.
“I know,” he says quietly.
“I just want to make sure that you know what I’m about to tell you doesn’t change any of that,” Eddie braces a little. “After I woke up from surgery Ana was there, and well I broke up with her because I realized that I didn’t love her, love her. In the way I should.”
“I really liked Ana,” Chris frowns. “What do you mean you didn’t love her like you should?” he asks.
“Well mijo, there are many ways you can love people, you can love them like a friend, you can love them like you love your abuela, like family, and you can love someone like moms and dads are supposed to love each other,” he explains.
“How did you love Ana?”
“I think I loved her as a friend. She did a lot for us and she was great with you, but it wasn’t fair to her to keep her as my girlfriend if I didn’t love her in a mom and dad way. Do you understand Christopher?” Eddie asks checking in to make sure he hasn’t lost his son with all his rambling.
“That makes sense, I think,” Christopher says, trying to grasp what’s happening. “Is that all dad? You broke up with Ana?”
“Uh… Almost Chris. There’s something more,” Eddie coughs nervously. “ Well, I realized I didn’t love Ana like that because I don’t think I love girls in that way.”
“What does that mean?” He looks like he’s losing the plot again. God why is this so hard to explain?
“What it means is that I think I love boys in the way that I’m supposed to love girls. I love boys in the way moms and dads love each other.” he gets this out hoping Christopher understands.
“So you loved mom like a friend?”
“I did. And like family. Because she was my family. I really did love your mom Chris. I still love her,” Eddie says. “Me realizing this about myself does not change how much she meant to me and how important she will always be to me.” Chris nods.
“Would that mean Buck could also be my dad? Like forreal?” Chris asks, seemingly piecing this new information together.
Eddie can’t help but let out a laugh, “Yeah bud, it would mean that. Would you be okay if I dated Buck?”
“I think so. I love Buck. And plus that would mean I didn’t have to put up with your cooking anymore,” Chris smiles up at Eddie, teasing.
“Alright, Alright. Not too much on your old man, okay?” Eddie reaches out and grabs Christopher giving him a kiss on his head.
-
Buck is back in the Diaz kitchen chopping up some veggies for Eddie’s Abuela’s ‘Caldo De Res’ recipe. Yeah it's the summer but Abuela made him promise to make some for Eddie when he got home because it was what she made him when he wasn’t feeling well as a kid. She also told him that Eddie wouldn’t care if it was 100 degrees outside, he’d still eat it up. The soup would take a couple of hours to be ready to eat so he made some quesadillas with the tortillas Tia Pepa dropped off to tithe them over.
The whole time he keeps thinking about what Eddie was about to say. It almost sounded like Eddie was going to tell him that he loved him. Buck didn’t want to get his hopes up. But still it’s all he can think about. As Christopher and Eddie gather around the kitchen island to snack on the quesadillas Buck made, he keeps catching the two of them looking at each other and giggling. Like they have some shared secret. It hurt Buck a little, but Chris and Eddie are a family so of course they’ll have secrets. He just wishes he could be in on them.
Then Eddie’s eyes meet his, and there’s something there, his heart flutters and he tries to focus on the Caldo again. But everytime he tries to sneak a look at Eddie he catches him already staring. A Beautiful blush rushed across Eddie’s face and he tries to look away, smiling to himself again.
-
Christopher goes to sleep after eating a big bowl of Buck’s Caldo De Res. Eddie tucks him in and gives him a kiss on the forehead. So glad that he made it back to his son again.
Eddie walks out to the kitchen to see Buck cleaning up. He takes a moment to appreciate how easy the domesticity is, he feels something stir in him again but this time he’s not afraid of it. He’s not going to run away or try to lock it up anymore, Eddie is going to crack his chest open for his best friend. Because he knows that no matter what Buck will be there for him.
“Alright Eddie, the leftovers are put away and the dishes are done. I should probably head out so you can finally get some rest,” Buck says, avoiding Eddie’s eyes, wiping his hands off on the kitchen towel.
“Why don’t you stay for a beer?” Eddie asks.
“But you can't drink, you’re on pain killers,” Buck lets out, scrambling to figure out what to do with his eyes.
“Buck. Stay. Please,” he begs quietly. “There’s something I need to get off my chest.”
Buck finally looks up at Eddie and he melts. He starts to let himself hope. Buck nods over to the couch, “Yeah, okay, lets go sit. You should get off your feet anyways.”
They sit down and Eddie turns to Buck. Buck does the same, swallowing down his anxiety, and he catches Eddie’s eyes tracking the movement. He starts to feel fuzzy, and he doesn’t think its the hot dinner they just had.
Eddie starts, “ Buck. I don’t know where to start. You saved my life and you were there for my son when I couldn’t be. You put yourself in danger to pull me out of there. And I can’t thank you enough,” Buck cuts Eddie off “Of course I did Eddie. I told you from the beginning that we would have each other’s backs and we do. You were there for me when my leg got crushed. God Eddie holding your hand is what kept me from passing out from the pain. So I owed you that at least.”
“You’ve always been there for me, Buck. You introduced me to Carla, you got Bobby to let Christopher hang out at the station when my Abuela got hurt. You drove me to get my son after the Earthquake and you didn’t stop fighting for him during the tsunami. Buck you go above and beyond for me everyday and I don’t know what I did to deserve someone as wonderful and selfless in my life, but I try everyday to prove that I’m worth it and I want to prove it every day for as long as you’ll let me.” Eddie pauses to catch his breath to prepare for what he’s about to say.
“Buck, you wanna know what I remember about that day?” he waits and Buck nods. “I remember seeing blood splatter across your face, I didn’t even register that I had been shot, I was so worried that you were hurt. And after I fell all I could think about was hoping you were okay, and in the ambulance, I got so cold, I was so ready to just let go and then you started crying. The way you cried broke my heart and my soul couldn’t bear to do that to you so I fought and fought to stay here with you.” Eddie scrunches his face trying to hold back his tears.
Buck moves to sit closer to Eddie, to feel the warmth radiating off his body, confirmation that Eddie is alive and he’s saying all of these beautiful things to him.
Eddie continues, “After they put me under for the surgery I started to see my life flash before my eyes and I saw memories of that Summer at the lake with Shannon and the day my helicopter went down. And it reminded me of a secret I’ve been keeping from myself, I knew that if I pulled through I would never lie to myself again about who I am.” Eddie puts his hand on Buck’s shoulder again, Buck looks up and meets Eddie's beautiful brown eyes holding his breath.
“Evan… I’m in love with you. I think a part of me always has but now all of me knows and I can’t go another day without telling you that you are everything to me.” Eddie waits for Buck to say something. Buck breathes out a laugh.
“Oh god Eddie. I love you so much it hurts, when I thought I was going to lose you I thought I was going to die out there with you. Eddie I love you and I love Christopher and all I want from this life is to be a family,” Buck starts to cry.
“Don’t cry, Mi Cielo. You have always been a part of our family. Now come here,” Eddie pulls Buck in for a hug and Buck is careful with Eddie’s shoulder.
They pull apart and Eddie cradles Buck’s face with his hand, brushing away his tears. Eddie leans in tentatively and Buck tilts his head, telling Eddie that it's okay. So he moves in closer until his lips meet Buck’s. The kiss starts off shy, but they both start gaining confidence and the kiss deepens. Oh. Eddie thinks, That’s what kissing is supposed to feel like.
Hunger grows between them and Buck’s tongue swipes tentatively at Eddie’s lips and they part for him, wanting to be closer to Buck. Eddie pulls him in pulling at anything he can because nothing is close enough. If he could he would crack Buck’s chest open and crawl in. Buck clearly feels the same as he starts to paw at the hem of Eddie’s shirt wanting to make purchase with warm skin, and he does.
Buck holds onto Eddie’s waist gently pushing him back and Eddie follows his lead and leans back onto the couch until he’s lying down and he pulls Buck down with him wanting to feel Buck’s weight envelope him. Aware of his injury, Buck holds himself up and keeps his mouth on Eddie’s, he starts working his way up his jaw and down his neck. Buck stops at his pulse point lingering there with his lips, just wanting to feel Eddie’s pulse against his lips. Just more confirmation that Eddie is there with Buck and he’s alive.
Satisfied that Eddie is in fact alive beneath him he begins to suck at the sensitive skin there and Eddie lets out a soft gasp that makes Buck chuckle. He adjusts them on the couch squeezing in so they can lie on their sides facing each other. They stare at each other for a moment and Eddie moves in planting a gentle kiss right where Buck’s birthmark is.
“I’ve been dying to do that all day,” he smiles, and Buck smiles back.
They kiss lazily for hours with no real goal in mind. They don’t rush into anything, in part because Eddie is healing but also because they know that they have all the time in the world to do more. Eventually they both start dozing off so Eddie suggests that they go to bed.
“You can stay in my bed, you don’t have to break your back on the couch anymore,” Eddie teases.
“I’d love that.” Buck smiles
The two of them head to Eddie’s bedroom and Buck helps Eddie get ready for bed. He gets Eddie into his pajamas, gently pulling his shirt off over his shoulders. Buck pauses at the gauze on Eddie’s shoulder, ghosting his fingers over it. Eddie catches Buck spiraling, “Mi Cielo, look at me,” Buck looks up at Eddie, his blue eyes welling with tears, “Im Sorry Eds.”
“It’s okay Buck, I just want to make sure you don’t go somewhere dark. I’m here and you’re why,” Eddie tells Buck.
“Mi Cielo” I haven’t heard that nickname before, what does it mean?” Buck asks, trying to collect himself.
“My heaven,” Eddie says with a warm, goofy smile on his face. And Buck melts.
They get into bed for the night, they kiss more just because they can and Buck falls asleep with his head on Eddie’s chest so he could fall asleep to the sound of Eddie’s heart beating.