Chapter Text
it was quiet, obviously. who in their right mind would be awake at this hour? aside from danielle, of course. finding time to journal during the day was difficult, so she would often stay up late at night to write whatever was on her mind. it helped to organise things, set everything straight, push aside her emotions from the day and ease her into sleep.
carefully, she slipped her hand down the side of her mattress, trying her best not to make too much noise and rouse her bunkmate. with sasha being sasha, and having almost superhuman hearing, proved awfully difficult when danielle had just joined the cadet corp, though that was a long time ago now. it took nearly two years, most of their time in the cadets, but danielle finally found out how to avoid waking sasha - put her pillow over her head. it worked fine, and never seemed to disturb her sleep, as far as danielle could tell anyway. sashas incoherent mumblings about meat and sauce never seemed to let up whenever she did it, so she took that as a good sign.
the quiet rustle of paper broke the silence of the girls barracks as danielle flipped through the pages of her journal. her pencil was wedged inbetween the pages, acting almost as a bookmark. she took the pencil in her hand and scooted downwards on her bed slightly, resting the book where her pillow would have been if it wasnt on sashas head. now, where to start? there was a lot to talk about, after all.
start from the begining, talk about breakfast, talk about the atmosphere at the table feeling wrong, talk about everything. instinctively, as she wrote she brought her hand up to her neck, reaching to fiddle with a necklace that was no longer there. that was her own fault, really. she didnt have to cast it aside that way, throwing it away wouldnt change the fact that he had betrayed them, nor would keeping it. in fact, it probably would have done her more good to keep it than to throw it back at him, after all she had become used to toying with it whenever she wrote her journal entry for the day, or whenever she was thinking particularly hard about something. but the necklace was long gone, gone with the man who gave it to her. she sighed, resting her head in her left hand as she continued to write. there was too much noise in her head, too many thoughts. how could she simplify all of it onto an a5 sheet of paper? maybe she would need to take two pages for it. no matter, it was her journal, she could do what she wanted with it. soon enough, the left page was full, and she started writing on the right page. it would have been better if her handwriting was just slightly smaller. her pencil scraped at the page for another few minutes until she didnt want to write anymore, and stopped.
august 17th
today was the first day without reiner and bertholdt, and everything felt wrong. as soon as the sun rose, everything was just uncomfortable. a crucial part of our squad is just gone, theyre traitors. how in the name of the walls are we supposed to just move on from that? this is unfair. everyones started looking at me differently, i guess they feel bad or something, but its pissing me off. i dont need pitied. i just need stuff to do. mikasa told me off for training. mikasa! that girl would keep training if she was missing a leg, and shes telling me off for training? shes lucky i love her, because oh walls, i almost snapped at her. i feel bad for even thinking about shouting at her, shes just looking out for me, i dont know. theres just a lot going on right now, i have to distract myself somehow, but i shouldnt take it out on my friends. we're all more or less in the same boat here. i just dont like being treated weirdly, like im fragile or something. theyre all doing it, even eren, and that man wouldnt know emotional sensitivity if it hit him in the face. its a strange side of him, i dont like it. can he go back to being all shouty and annoying? that was better than whatever this is.
ive been trying not to think about reiner, but its been difficult. im so used to him being around all of the time, i dont know what to do without him. im so angry at him, angry at the world, at the titans, everything. if his plan all along was to try and wipe us out, why did he get involved with me in the first place? was he just bored or something? i doubt ill ever know, but regardless of whatever reason he had, it was just uncalled for. i miss him. im angry, but i miss him. i wish i could hate him, i think it would make this all easier for me. maybe i just need time. thats probably it. time.
she sighed, trying to fiddle with the necklace again, as she flipped the page, going to put her pencil in it for tomorrow night. her eyes widened as she smoothed out the page. it wasnt blank. the left page featured a large, black pool of ink, as if someone had knocked an ink well over onto it. she never used ink to write in her journal, so how in the world did it get there? it was dry, so it wasnt recent. how recent? how would she know, she never took the journal out of where she hid it, aside from when she would write it, and she was fairly certain nobody even knew of its existence. perhaps she was seeing things - maybe she was just to tired. that had to be it. she tucked the pencil in between the page and shut the journal over, before tucking it back down the side of her mattress. she removed her pillow from sashas face, smiling lightly as she noticed her drooling. probably dreaming about food, as usual. her pillow made soft rustling sounds as she fluffed it and set it back down at the head of her bed, not wasting any time before resting her head on it and falling into unconsciousness.
her dreams were unpleasant, as usual, as she relieved her memories from the day before. his voice was unwelcome, as he confessed his truth to eren. she stepped in, her emotions taking over, pointing a finger at him and yelling about how ridiculous and cruel this all was, that he betrayed all of them, that he strung her along like this despite knowing what he was sent there to do.
"dani, i didnt think..." he stopped himself.
"clearly. what even were we?"
the question unexpected, reiner turned back to look at bertholdt before speaking again. his face was filled with disgust, shaking his head at reiner.
he turned back to face danielle, tears now streaming down her face, "we-" he hesitated again, looking back at bertholdt, "we were a mistake."
she covered her mouth with her free hand, then pulled and broke the chain on her neck before throwing the necklace on the ground in front of reiner.
she jolted awake. she was used to nightmares, she had gotten them frequently since she was a child, but this one was so vivid, the wound too fresh. she groaned, rubbing her eyes before rolling over in bed. sasha wasnt there? sitting up, she rubbed her eyes again before taking in her surroundings. this wasn't the barracks, in fact this wasnt a bedroom she had ever even seen before. the sunlight pokes through the curtains, illuminating the room just enough so that she can make out certain things about it. it was a small-ish room, a desk in the corner with a strange black rectangular thing atop it. the walls were painted a soft yellow, her favourite colour, and the covers on the bed were patterened with her favourite flower. she scratched her neck, suddenly feeling the familiar cold metal of her necklace, she tugged it out from underneath her shirt. sure enough, it was as she remembered it. what exactly was going on? her thoughts got interrupted by a knock at the door, and then a terrifyingly familiar voice spoke.
"dani? you up?"
only one person has ever been allowed to call her that. just one. reiner braun.