Work Text:
'It feels familiar.’
As Till feels Ivan’s hand wrap around his neck, it should’ve felt dreadful but all he can think is how familiar that touch is. It’s something known to him. His mind is racing through all sorts of thing, maybe it’s due to the lack of oxygen because he is indeed getting choked. He closes his eyes, ready give up on everything which is a funny statement considering he never had anything to begin with.
Mizi, the only person who was ever kind to him, is now gone. He has no idea if she’s even alive. So, what is the point of his existence now? He doesn’t want to think about it. He doesn’t want to think about anything. Especially what happened just now? Why did Ivan suddenly pull him closer and … kiss (?) him? What was that supposed to mean. Didn’t Ivan hate his guts?
Why why why why …………………………
His questions are left unanswered as silence mellows his mind. He doesn’t feel the pain anymore. Maybe he’s finally dying, like he intended to. Did he escape his fate at last?
.
.
Something feels wrong, it shouldn’t be this silent. It shouldn’t be this painless, wait…was it painful to begin with? Till realizes that something is wrong. THE HANDS AROUND HIS NECK ARE NOW GONE. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
He flashes his eyes open and the sight that greets him is something he didn’t expect. Ivan is now falling to the ground, his mouth covered with blood. His lips are curved upwards like he is smiling. His eyes briefly meet Ivan’s and he sees something he wished he had never known. The look on Ivan’s eyes was something known but also unfamiliar. He had seen that look on other people’s eyes but it was never directed towards him.
He is brought out of his thoughts by a thud. Ivan’s body is now on the ground, in a puddle of his own blood. He can see the screen reflect on that bloodied surface.
{TILL WIN}
The spotlight on them goes out. He can’t distinguish if it’s the sound of the rain or the audience clapping. He just stood there motionless for an indefinite amount of time before he was taken away by the guards.
He has a lot of questions. Questions that he might never get the answers to. But he also realized something. Now he knew why that touch felt familiar. It was the same touch that cared for him every time he got beat up by those alien bastards or the guards. It was the same hand that put ointments on his wounds and caressed his bruises when he was knocked out cold. Even in his unconsciousness, his mind knew that touch was kind to him and cared for him. But it would always disappear before he woke up. He would wake up alone with nothing to justify the existence of that person besides his tended wounds.
Why now? Why is he finding this out now that Ivan's not here anymore? As he’s crouched in the corner of the waiting room waiting to be sent out again for the final round, all he can think about is Ivan. With every passing moment, it became more and more clear about how Ivan might’ve felt towards him.
All this time while he was busy looking at Mizi, Ivan was looking at him. Every time he was running around in the Anakt Garden, Ivan was running towards him. Every meal time they shared together and every secret drawing session was a silent reminder of Ivan’s feelings towards him that he failed to notice before. He was trying so hard to find love but he failed to see the love he was surrounded with.
He still remembers the day he untangled his hand from Ivan’s and ran back to the Anakt Garden. The sky was lit up from the comet shower that night when he left Ivan alone. What kind of face did Ivan make at that moment, as he saw Till’s back running away from him, running away from the freedom they could've had.
Ivan loved him.
Ivan loved him enough to turn away from his own freedom.
Ivan loved him enough to always tend his wounds in silence.
Ivan loved him to the point of dying for him.
.
.
.
But it was too late to dwell on it. Ivan is gone now. His white coat dyed red with his own blood. Bleeding out from the gunshot wounds he planned himself. He wasn’t the only one who came prepared to die today.
Till's vision goes black as he felt Mizi’s hand caress his face. ‘I’m glad Mizi is alive.’ is his final thought as his consciousness slowly drifts away.
.
“-ll? Till?”
Till slowly wakes up to a voice that is calling out his name. He tries to open his eyes and move around, but he’s too weak right now.
“It’s fine, Till. It's all over now.” says the voice as it gently touches his neck. He knows that touch. It’s ... it’s IVAN. He finally opens his eyes and all he sees is white. It is too bright to see anything but he can make a silhouette of a certain person above his face. As his eyes finally adjust to the lighting, he sees the person’s face. The same face that he thought he would never see again.
“Ivan? How-” he tries to talk but it’s hard to form coherent sentences. He wants to ask Ivan how he was there with him. He wants to ask where he is now. And he wants to ask why Ivan did what he did, even though he knew the answer to his last question very well.
“Relax. I know it’s not the most ideal scene for you. Seeing me of all people. I'm sorry but I also have no idea how I'm here. I was just here when I opened my eyes and I started wandering around. That's when I found you here, lying unconscious.” Ivan says with a sad look on his face. He seems like he wants to ask something and he’s finding the right words for it. But Till already knows what he’s going to say.
“Yes. I died too. It probably feels like a waste, right? You gave up your life for me but I couldn’t even stay alive for the next day.” Till says in a self-depreciating way, trying to not look at Ivan’s face. He's scared. He's scared that Ivan will look at him in disappointment, regretting his action. But Ivan's hand slowly makes him turn towards him and come face to face.
It's not there. Whatever till was scared of, it’s not there. There's nothing other than a loving look on Ivan’s face. And it’s for him, not anyone else.
“I would never feel that my actions were a waste if it allowed you to live on even for a mere hour. Afterall, what would my life be if you’re not there?” -with me, was left unsaid because Ivan knows Till was never ‘with’ him. He was the one running after Till. “And I've already gotten more than I could have ever asked for. I'm sorry for being selfish until the very end. And thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions.” Ivan said to him with an apologetic look on his face.
Before he knew it, Ivan was already in Till’s embrace. He just sits there, unsure of what to do as Till hugs him so tight, like he might just disappear if he lets go. It feels unreal. It can’t be true right? Why would Till ever hug him? Till didn’t even look at his eyes until it was the end of his sad life. Was he imagining this now after dying? It's cruel. It feels like the universe is playing a joke on him, showing him scenes that can never come true.
Ivan is brought out of his thoughts as Till pulls away from the embrace and holds his face. ‘Ah, it’s not a dream’ he realizes as he feels the warmth that is flowing towards him from those hands. A warmth he always longed for, a warmth that he never got to feel before. Streams of tears start flowing from his eyes as he looks at Till’s face. Till is now looking at him. And it’s not a face full of hatred or anger. It's ... soft. It feels so different from the look he was used it. It's ... it’s almost as if Till also feels the sam-
‘No, it can’t be.’ Ivan reminds himself before he falls into delusion again. Till then slowly wipes away Ivan's tears and without breaking eye contact tells him. He tells him how he never got to see what happened to Ivan’s body because he got dragged out by the guards. He tells him how he was against Luka in the final round. He tells him how Luka copied his mannerism just like he did with Sua against Mizi. And he tells him that Mizi is alive and she came to save him but he died before Mizi could do anything.
“I’m sorry, Ivan. I realized it too late that it was you who always tended to my injures. I’m sorry for always lashing out on you when you came to eat together with me. I’m sorry for leaving your hand on that day and running back to the garden. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” Till tells him the things he thought he would never get to tell Ivan.
Hearing Till’s heartfelt apology, Ivan smiles and tells him that it’s ok. It was never Till’s fault to begin with. He was the one who never told Till about how he nursed Till when he was unconscious. He was the one who would annoy Till just to get his attention. And he was the one who knew till would never run away from the garden leaving everyone else. He was never hurt by till’s attitude. Afterall, that was what he fell in love with. The rowdy and disobedient boy from the outside but a lonely and kind boy from the inside. The only reason he could shine like the moon in the night sky was because Till was his sun.
‘I shine only with the light you gave me’
.
They stay in each other’s embrace for a long time before Till pulls away. He then holds Ivan’s hand as he then tells him about his feelings.
“I know that I’ve never been kind to you before, but I’ll be from now on. Now that I've seen Mizi alive, I think I’m ready to move on. I’m sorry it took me a long time but I’m willing to put in the effort towards you and try to give you back the love that I've received from you. If you don’t hate me already, will you please give me a chance to prove myself to you?”
Ivan can’t help but nod at Till’s words because he is overwhelmed by all kinds of emotions. He feels that everything in his life was worth it if it meant this was true. Till might not love him as he does at the moment but he’s going to stay with him from now on and work towards it. It feels like a dream. He's so happy that he can die. (he’s already dead).
Ivan then pulls Till closer and looks at him with an expectant face. Till simply smiles and nods, giving him the approval he is seeking. As their lips melt into this kiss, it’s vastly different from their previous one. Till is not pushing him away and he’s not looking at the scoreboard desperately waiting for his scores to fall down. He can now relax and melt into Till’s embrace without any guns firing at him or dreading a screen that decides their fate. It's peaceful and comfortable. It's something he always wanted. They are finally free from their suffering. But his salvation was Till all along.
.
.
.
There's a rumor in the Anakt Garden. A story the children would tell each other swearing that they’re telling the truth. When the full moon arises and lights up the flower garden, you can see two small figures walking alongside each other holding each other’s hands. The two wear the same clothes as them yet none of them recognize those two. One of them is said to have fair skin, teal eyes, and shaggy grey hair while the other one has jet-black hair and piercing black eyes with small red specks in the middle along with a fang that peeks out from the corner of his mouth.