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He knew this day would come, he had been dreading it with every fiber of his being, but he knew it would come. Especially after what happened last week. Turns out today was that day.
The melancholic sounds of The Cure sang through the radio in Tommy's truck, he hasn't been able to listen to much else besides The Cure. Sure maybe throw in some Radiohead and The Smiths but it mostly has been The Cure since the break up. Tommy knew that it was all his fault, that he was the one that ended things, but still, it's been a while since Tommy felt this melancholic about the end of a relationship. The sun was setting, painting the sky a brilliant orange, but it was hard to pay attention to the beautiful sky when there was only one thing on his mind. A text, one singular text that squeezed his heart to an aching pile of mush.
Can you bring my stuff to the station?
He should have known Evan was going to send him those eight words... those eight agonizing words. The final brick to the wall they both built between him and Evan. Evan... Tommy knows he has no right to call him that anymore, not after everything he did to him. Shit Tommy wasn't even sure if he had the right to even call him Evan in his head.
Tommy gripped the wheel of his truck, knuckles growing white. Back and forth his eyes went from the road to the box. It seemed such a small box for a life together for six months, but six months wasn't that long was it? It wasn't long enough for them to actually know each other, to really know each other. To know every quirk, every flaw, every bit of history in their own rich tapestry. They really didn't know each other, did they?
Tommy knew he shouldn't have ran away, to leave Evan high and dry. He left him confused and alone. He hated himself for it. He hated himself for a lot of reasons, but that was the one reason that occupied his state of mind at the moment. Fear had a death grip on Tommy’s life, it controlled almost every action he took these past forty years. He hated being afraid but that is all he knew. He feared if he stayed, if they did move in together - at his own house, not some loft - Evan would see the real Tommy. The broken shell of a human that stumbled through life afraid of everything. Evan would see this and run, they always run. Tommy couldn’t handle that anymore. He knew Evan would realize that he could do better than Tommy, that he deserved better than Tommy, and leave. Tommy was Evan's first, but Evan was Tommy’s last. He wouldn't be able to do this again. A life alone and miserable was better than a life of repeated heartbreak over and over until he couldn't handle it anymore and die.
Tommy whipped away the tears with the heel of his palm, he can't let Evan see him like this. The truck pulled into the parking lot right outside of the 118 station. He killed the engine and sat. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Tommy could feel his body shaking, his heartbeat pounding in his ear. He sat and waited until his shaky breath became even and neutral. Tommy took one last look at his box. He could go back home, to his empty home. Hoard Evan's things for just a little bit longer. No, he had to rip off the bandaid. Tommy huffed out one last breath, grabbing the box, and left his car. He stared at his old station, he wanted to throw up, he wanted to leave, he wanted to cry. He wanted to do a lot of things. Tommy walked to the station, box in hand, trying to prepare himself for anything.
Here goes nothing.
-
Buck's body buzzed with excitement as he reached the local ladders and badges bar that was not too far from the 118 station. It's been a while since he went out like this, with friends, his team, his family. Reason being was they were always busy, someone was always busy. Last shift Hen had a date night with Karen that they had to get to, supposedly the restaurant they were going to was hard to get in, they planned months in advance. The shift before that, Eddie had a virtual appointment with a realtor for a house in El Paso, Buck still was in denial that Eddie was leaving. The shift before that, Chimney had to go home to take care of Jee, it was one of those rare shifts where he and Maddie were on opposite schedules. Lately Buck wasn't really up for going out, all his mind would do would wander and think about Tommy, itching to reach out to him. While out Buck couldn't just bake his feelings away, he had to sit and wait to distract himself. But the need for distraction was slowly dissolving. He was now able to go out and have fun without every little thing reminding him of Tommy.
Buck gleefully jumped out of his Jeep striding into the bar, inside Buck could see Chim, Hen, and Eddie already settinged in with a couple pitchers of beer to boot. But they weren't the only ones in their usual booth, both Lucy (now working at the 217) and Ravi (who recently transferred to the 133 once Gerrard took the captain's chair at the 118) were also settled in the booth chatting away with the 118.
“I see we are not alone this evening,” Buck smiled as he slid into the booth next to Ravi.
“But how else are you guys going to have fun tonight,” Lucy snickered from across the table.
Buck eyed the two pitchers noticing how low they were getting already.
“I see you guys started without me,” Buck smiled, he didn’t mean anything by it, just an observation, no more.
“I uh thought you weren't coming,” Eddie said, eyebrows raised.
“I-I never said that,” Buck figited with the sleeve of his LAFD hoodie, “I said I might come, besides I needed to get out of the loft and not think about-”
“Alright, two new pitchers of beer-”
Buck's entire body froze, he knew that voice. Slowly he turned to find none other than Tommy Kinard at their booth with two pitchers of beer in hand. Buck could feel his face grow warm as he stared at Tommy, suddenly his throat was dry and he desperately needed that beer.
“Ev- I-I mean Buck, I didn't know you were going to be here,” Tommy stammered.
“Uh y-yeah figured I should go out tonight for a change.” Buck tried to force a smile on his face. It must've not been the prettiest of smiles based on how Hen winced at it. He was trying, Buck was really trying.
Tommy placed the beers down on the table shoving his hands in his jean pockets, he always did that when he didn't know what to do with himself. “I should probably go…”
All eyes landed on Buck.
Shit.
“W-Wait, Tommy,” Buck pressed his lips together, “Just stay, w-who said we can't be friends?”
It was hard for Buck to read Tommy’s face, he was never the most open person when it came to emotions. It didn't take Buck until after to figure that one out. Tommy's silence could have logically only been a handful of seconds, but those seconds felt like years. Long agonizing years.
“Ok, fine.” Tommy slid into the booth across from Buck not able to look at him properly.
“That’s my man!” Eddie grinned leaning on the table offering a fist bump past Lucy. In awkward hesitance, Tommy gave back a fist bump. Buck shrunk a little in his seat as Hen eyed him with a knowingly raised eyebrow.
Buck just had to get through tonight, that shouldn't be so hard, right?
-
Tommy’s footsteps echoed through the station, maybe not echoed, but it sure as hell felt like it. Everything seemed too big, too overwhelming, yet everything seemed to be closing in on him. His eyes darted across the station, his heart thumping hard against his chest. Finally they land on Evan in the small gym spotting Eddie as he lifted up some weights. He stopped in his tracks watching Evan, everything in his body seemed to freeze over, even his heart stopped beating. No that can't be right, it has to be beating. Tommy watched Evan as he smiled and joked around. He loved Evan's smile, how it was brighter than the sun itself.
Evan looked up at him, his smile disappearing. Tommy did that, his stomach churned as he gulped down his anxiety, his whole body itching.
“Tommy?” Evan walked forward, his eyebrows knitted together. “W-What are you doing here? Is that…”
“I um,” Tommy wasn't sure if he could do this, “I brought what you asked for.” Tommy handed Evan the box, finally breaking the last thing between them.
“I-I don't… recall asking for this?” Evan tilted his head trying to figure out whatever is going on in Tommy's head.
“What do you mean?” Tommy questioned, crossing his arms close to his chest, “You texted me to drop off our stuff at the station.”
Evan raised an eyebrow, scrunching up his nose, “No I didn't.” Evan placed the box down on the floor rummaging through his pockets for his phone. Unable to find it Evan turns his head back to the gym, “Eddie have you seen-”
Eddie quickly walked up the stairs avoiding the question.
“... my phone…” Evan turns his head back to Tommy confused and now annoyed.
Tommy loved that Evan wore his heart on his sleeve, but now it made his own heartache. Tommy watched as Evan looked through the box, his face slowly morphing from confusion to pure sorrow. Every memory they had in one, tiny, box. He couldn’t take it any longer.
“I should go,” Tommy mumbled.
“Not everything is in here.”
Tommy hoped Evan wouldn't notice.
“Everything is in there,” Tommy stood his ground.
Evan's face scrunched up again, rising to stand his eyes meeting Tommy’s.
“My hoodie is missing, Tommy,” Evan said, his voice stern.
He was right, the hoodie was at Tommy’s, specifically on Tommy’s bed. It still smelled like Evan. He didn't want to get rid of it, it was that last bit of Evan he couldn't bring himself to get rid of. A simple hoodie. The same blue hoodie Evan left at his house after the first time he stayed there. He remembers that night well, after Maddie and Chimney’s wedding Evan insisted on going to Tommy’s, a familiar place for Tommy to take a nap. Another way for Evan to take a peek into Tommy's life. He remembered how Evan took care of him, his body tired and coated with soot. How Evan ordered Tommy’s favorite take out to eat together. How when Tommy woke up from his lengthy nap Evan already had tea set up for him. How Evan was ready to jump him into bed once Tommy was awake enough. How Evan intentionally left his hoodie there in order for him to come back. How he kept leaving it there over and over to come back to Tommy’s home, making himself comfortable in Tommy's life. Tommy wasn't ready to give that hoodie back.
“I don't know what you are talking about,” Tommy's voice strained as he tried to keep himself neutral, not to reveal how he feels.
“Yes you do Tommy,” Evan squinted his eyes stepping closer to Tommy, “The blue one I kept leaving at your house. If you are giving me my stuff back, I want my hoodie back.”
“I don't have it,” Tommy responded, robotically.
“Yes, you do! Give it back Tommy!” Tommy watched as Evan bit down on his bottom lip, probably to stop it from trembling.
“Are you seriously arguing over a hoodie?”
“Yeah, I guess I am!” Evan barked.
“I don't have time for this.” Tommy turned to walk away, swallowing down his feelings.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Evan snarled, his voice gravelly.
Tommy snapped his head around facing Evan. He has never seen Evan like this, Evan was always so full of happiness and hope, this… this was different. The sparkle in his bright blue eyes has been replaced by piercing anger. Tommy’s mouth grew dry, his teeth clenching together.
“You act as if nothing happened, that those six months meant nothing!” Evan's shouts echoed through the station, “This wasn't nothing Tommy and you know it. If this was really nothing you would have given back my hoodie.”
Tommy didn’t know what to say, he knew Evan was right, he knew that this was not nothing. Maybe if he acted like it was nothing it would hurt less. Tommy bit down on his lip, hoping to just feel a small amount of pain. “I'll…” he can't believe he was doing this, “I'll bring it back later then.” His voice was quiet, barely a mumble.
He couldn't look at Evan, he didn’t want to, maybe the back of his mind was gluten for punishment… he looked. He looked as saw Evan's face shatter.
“You…” Evan could barely muster out his words, “You are a coward.”
Tommy bit down harder on his lip, a tang of copper bleeding onto his tongue. He should leave, before he says something he will regret.
Tommy makes his way through the two fire engines, clenching his hands tight, it's getting harder to breathe. Why is it getting harder to breathe?
“Tommy, wait!” Evan yells behind him.
He doesn’t go back, he can't go back, it is taking everything in him not to break down in front of Evan. Or not even break down in front of him, just to not even snap at him. Anger, misery, and pain all rippled underneath his skin.
“Tommy please wait!” Evan reached out for Tommy’s wrist, grabbing it tightly not wanting to let him go. “I-I am sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Please let go of me,” Tommy didn’t turn to face Evan.
“No, not until we figure this out.”
“Figure this out?” Tommy raised his head to the ceiling whipping his hand down his face, “There is nothing to-”
Tommy squinted his eyes, he cannot be seeing what he is actually seeing. Stringed between the two fire engines was… was mistletoe…
-
Somehow the night went smoothly, as they all drank their beers they each told stories of different calls they each had to deal with or even something in their personal lives. Buck nearly forgot the awkward tension between him and Tommy. Every once in a while there would be a weird beat or two, and Buck could only feel Tommy watching him twice this evening. Buck only caught himself staring at Tommy three times.
Slowly people shuffled out of the booth to head home. Chimney was the first to leave, soon after was Hen. It wasn’t until an hour or so when Lucy brought up a game of pool. Lucy and Eddie argued on who was the better player. Now both were in the depths of an intense game of pool, not really acknowledging anything else in the bar.
Buck just left the booth for no more than a few minutes. As he left the restroom Buck watched as Lucy and Eddie bicker at the pool table. Buck slid into the booth to only find Tommy with a glass of beer in hand.
“Uh, w-where’s Ravi?” Buck stammered.
“Oh, uh, he left,” Tommy shifted in his seat, “He said he had a shift tomorrow and needed to get home now and just hope he’s not too hungover tomorrow morning. I shouldn't be too concerned though, his shift doesn't start until the afternoon.”
“Oh… ok.” Buck took a large gulf of his beer. His body was already vibrating from the alcohol he had already consumed tonight, his face feeling warm and fuzzy, his knees only starting to feel weak. “So,” Buck started, “You were telling us earlier about the hikers you and Lucy had to save.”
“Oh right,” Tommy smiled. Buck wanted to see him smile for the rest of his life.
Buck didn't know how long they talked for but it felt nice. It felt nice to talk to Tommy like this again. As they talked and talked, they found themselves closer and closer, being pulled into one another by an unknown force. It wasn't until sometime later Buck realized they both made it around the circular booth now sitting side by side, shoulders pressed against one another. Buck could feel Tommy’s breath on his skin. He wanted to stay in this moment forever. Buck carefully watched Tommy’s eyes, mesmerized by how they looked.
Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was something else but Buck blurted out while Tommy was talking about the old Harley-Davidson he was working on.
“Has anyone told you you have a little bit of green in your eyes.”
Tommy’s eyebrow quirked up, “What?”
Buck leans in closer to get a better look at the green he found himself fascinated with, “Your eyes, they have a hint of green in them.”
“No,” Tommy chuckled (Buck loved how Tommy chuckled) “I don't think anyone has.”
“Well there is, just so you know.”
“Well thank you for informing me.”
Buck’s eyes moved around Tommy’s face, his cheeks flushed pink from the alcohol, the small grey hairs right by his temples, his fond crinkly smile, his cleft, his lips. Buck looked up at Tommy’s eyes once more, but they were looking down, down at Buck’s own lips. Tommy’s eyes shot back up, his face growing a bit more red, being caught in the act of staring down at Buck’s lips longing for them. Buck longed to taste Tommy once more. He knew Tommy felt the same. Buck leaned in closer, egging Tommy on to just fucking kiss him already. He was so close he could almost taste it. Just as Buck closed his eyes and tilted his head-
“I should get going,” Tommy announced abruptly.
Buck’s heart sank as he opened his eyes to find himself alone, once more.
-
Mistletoe... what the fuck was Evan playing at? Logically he knew this wasn't something that Evan would pull, but Tommy wasn't thinking logically at the moment, he hasn't for the past month. Confusion and anger itched under Tommy’s skin.
"Do you think that this would honestly work?" Tommy pointed at the mistletoe above them.
Evan took a moment to look around, eyebrows knitted together until his eyes landed on the mistletoe. His big blues grew wider and eventually landed on Tommy with his mouth open trying to string together a sentence. Tommy didn’t have time for this, his heart ached shooting pains across his chest. He knew if he didn’t get out of there soon he'd start to break down, he didn’t need Evan to see that.
"This isn't a movie Ev-" Tommy stopped himself pressing his lips together to a thin line. His hands rubbed across his face with an irritated sigh. "Things just don't work out like that in real life."
"T-Tommy I-I swear I have no idea what that is doing up there," Evan exasperated gesturing to the mistletoe, "I had no part in this!"
Maybe Evan was telling the truth, maybe he didn't have anything to do with this. But Tommy was tired, he was tired and in pain. He needed to get out of there. So he did, all Tommy could do was a shirt curt nod before turning heel and leaving the station leaving Evan alone under the mistletoe. Tears started to sting Tommy’s eyes, all he could focus on was each step he took out of the station not daring to look back. He couldn't.
Buck's chest squeezes as his eyes follow Tommy out of the station. Desperately he wanted to go after him, to stop him, to hold him close. But his feet wouldn't move, they couldn't. Buck was shot right back to that night, watching Tommy leave and doing nothing to stop him. Maybe they were never meant to be, maybe this was how it was always supposed to end.
His eyes land on the mistletoe once more, up on a string right at the edge of the stairs. Stupid fucking mistletoe. As Buck turned to head back up the stairs he watched three pairs of eyes watching him. Immediately his team turned away from Buck’s gaze. Hen stayed in place, her eyes wandering elsewhere, Chimney whistled away heading towards the kitchen, Eddie pulled out his phone to check a text he obviously never received. Angrily Buck snatched the mistletoe from above, crumbling it in his hand as he headed to a bunk bed to rest his eyes and to get rid of the migraine creeping up on him.
Darkness has covered the city of LA, but it wasn’t completely dark, it never is, the city lights breathed life into the city. Tommy loved LA, there were many things to love. But the one thing he did find himself hating was the loss of starlight. The sky became a blank canvas, not a single star to see.
Hot desperate tears started to stream down Tommy’s cheeks, his grip on the steering wheel tightened. Nothing was ever like the movies, why would it be. Life was harsh, difficult, and most of all vengeful. Every time Tommy seemed to get his life together, the universe showed its true plans for him, beating him down showing his place. He knew things would never work out with Evan. Nothing ever does. But fuck did Tommy want it to work. He ignored the signs for so long until he couldn't. He knew Evan would see him for who he truly was and would walk away leaving Tommy broken once more. He couldn't deal with that, not again.
Tears became sobs, his body shook as the tears became faster and bigger. It was becoming harder to breathe, Tommy tried his best to keep up with the tears by whipping them away as an anguished whimper let itself loose from Tommy’s mouth. Everything seemed to be closing around him, the bright city lights becoming blurred. Nothing ever lasts, he is meant to be alone, forever and ever. A screeching sound snapped Tommy back, before Tommy could react to whatever was happening around him everything went black, just as the starless sky above.
-
Once more, Buck was alone again. Alone. Buck heard the door to the bar close. He was alone. Tommy left him alone, again. Alone. No. Not again.
“Tommy!” Buck quickly scrambled out of the booth heading straight for the door, “Tommy wait!”
Buck pushed through the doors, a chilled breeze smacked him in the face. On the sidewalk, Tommy looked from his phone to Buck. He opened his mouth to respond. Before he could Buck rushed over slamming his lips onto Tommy's. Tommy hummed in surprise, it took a moment for Tommy to kiss Buck back. Buck slipped in his tongue to taste Tommy, it's what he craved, it's what he needed. He tasted like beer, Buck could get drunk off of Tommy's lips. He wanted to get drunk from Tommy. He ran his fingers through Tommy's hair, oh how he missed this. How he craved it. How he craves more. Buck could feel Tommy’s hands move up to his shoulders. Oh, how much Buck missed this. How much Buck-
But it was over, all of what Buck wanted, what Buck craved, was over in an instant. Tommy gently guided Buck away, Buck stared into Tommy's eyes, full of sorrow. He's only ever seen Tommy this hurt, this broken, since… since that night. Tommy still gripped Buck’s shoulders, as if they were the only things keeping his head above the waters of despair.
Tommy cleared his throat letting go of Buck, his eyes wandered elsewhere as he ducked his head.
“Buck, I can't do this.”
“Please… don't call me that,” Buck begged.
Something in Tommy's face shifted, shifted to something… agonizing. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Something made Tommy decide to not speak. He quickly shut his mouth and turned away.
“Why do you keep running away?” Buck exasperated.
Tommy turned, his eyes red. “Because it's better I turn away now before we both do something we will regret.”
“I could never regret anything I did or do with you Tommy.”
Tommy bit down inside his bottom lip.
“You say that now, but you don't know that. Not really.”
Buck dug his nails-into the palms of his hands. “You keep telling how I should feel, how I will feel. I am sick and tired of it! I am my own person, nobody can tell me what I should be feeling! Not you! Not anyone!” Buck could feel the tears streaming down his face, “I know exactly how I feel! I love you! I fucking love you Tommy!” Buck's chest heaved, choking on tears Buck let out a shaky breath, “Please Tommy… let me love you.”
Tommy stares at him, Buck doesn't think he has seen Tommy this… this open. It wasn't much but the anguish displayed on Tommy’s face told Buck everything he needed to know.
“It'll pass,” Tommy finally mumbles, “It always does.”
How? How could this just pass?
“Fine,” Buck spat. “Be that way! If you want to be alone that is fine! But I need you to take your head out of your ass and listen to me! I love you Tommy, that should be enough to build a future together!”
“We can't build a future together!” Tommy shouted startling Buck back a few steps. “You don't love me, you love the idea of me! I am not some gay hero to be put on a pedestal! I am a fucking broken mess that nobody ever seems to want! Ever!” Tommy swallowed down hard, “Please just leave me alone…”
“Fine,” Buck slumped his shoulders in defeat, “I'll leave you alone. See you around Tommy.”
Buck walked into the bar without looking back, closing the door behind him.
-
The fire engine sirens howled through the night, no amount of ear protection can dull out the raging noise. Buck fidgeted in his seat, picking the skin around his nails. It was all he could focus on, he tried and tried to ignore the looks of concern from his friends. He had to focus on the hang nail that has been bothering him for the past ten minutes.
“Buck,” Hen finally chimed in, “Talk to us, we are here to help you.”
Buck ignored her concerns, pain was starting to radiate at the tip of his ring finger.
“We didn’t know it was going to end the way it did,” Eddie said leaning closer to Buck.
Anger started to ripple under Buck’s skin.
“Yeah,” Chimney added, “I kind of thought the mistletoe might work, Tommy was always a big fan of those cheesy rom coms… so we thought a cheesy rom com moment might work, to at least get you two to talk.”
Buck finally picked away at the skin, small beads of blood formed next to his nail.
“None of you had the right to mess with my life! None of you had the right to take my phone and text Tommy! You can't just meddle around thinking it will fix things, because it doesn't work like that!” Buck hissed, “There was a sliver of a chance of hope and now that has been obliterated to nothing!”
Buck crossed his arms, turning away from them, his eyes following the cars the engine was passing by, ignoring the tears starting to form.
“Buck,” Bobby expressed, his eyes from the rearview mirror focusing on Buck. “They were just trying to help.”
Not a single word was uttered throughout the duration of the ride.
The 118 finally arrived at the call at hand, they were informed by dispatch that a pickup truck ran through a red light and was directly hit by a bus sending it across the road flipped on its side. Nobody on the bus was hurt fortunately enough but no word on the driver or possible passengers of the truck. Buck hopped off the engine taking in the scene, he was no stranger to car wrecks, he saw them more times than anyone should in their lifetime, but it was part of the job. Buck's eyes scanned the wreckage, the dent in the bus, the scattered glass and car pieces along the pavement. His eyes followed the trail of damage to the truck, now on its side. It was going to be hell getting the driver out. Buck walked closer to the truck with a sense of dread he can't quite place as to why he is feeling it. But then it hit him, Buck's stomach dropped to the ground, his heart exploded in his chest sending every single nerve on fire… he knew that truck. He knew that truck and who that belonged to.
“Tommy?” His words were barely even a whisper.
Eddie, who was not far behind Buck, looked back and forth from the truck to his best friend. He reached a hand out to Buck to prevent Buck from getting any closer to that truck, “Buck…”
But it was too late, Buck ran to the truck, tears falling down his face.
“TOMMY!”
Buck collapsed in front of the truck's window trying to look through the cracked glass to get a good look at Tommy. He couldn’t see, he couldn't breathe, everything around him was collapsing into nothing.
“TOMMY!” Buck sobbed desperately searching for a way in, a way to Tommy.
Before he knew it, arms wrapped around Buck’s body dragging him away. No, this is not happening, he has to get to Tommy. Buck kicked and screamed, needing Tommy more than air. He was spun around to face Bobby who gave him a painful sympathetic look. He couldn’t stand how Bobby was looking at him.
“Bobby, you have to let me go!” Buck tried to fight off his captain's grip, but his grip was too tight, Buck wasn't going anywhere. “I-It's Tommy I have to help him! I HAVE TO SAVE HIM!”
“No kid, I can't let you do that,” Bobby said, “You are too close to this, you will make a mistake, for your own sake I can't let you do that. Hen, Chim, and Eddie will do everything in their power to get Tommy out of there safely, you have to trust us.”
Buck collapsed onto the ground watching his friends around the truck, grabbing the tools they needed to get Tommy out. He knows Bobby is still talking to him, but the words don't register. A ringing drowns out the surrounding noise. How could Buck’s life fall apart in just a single moment? He's been asking himself that question a lot as of late. Everything has been going wrong in his life. But this, this was… Buck couldn’t handle losing Tommy for good. He didn't want that, he didn’t even know if he could survive it. He didn't want to know. Was this really the end?
Finally, after what felt like hours, Tommy’s bloody broken body was placed on a stretcher. How was there so much blood? There was just so much blood.
Buck got on his feet and stumbled to him, to his Tommy. Buck clutched down on Tommy’s hand. sticky with blood. He looked down at Tommy's bruised and bloodied face. Rain seemed to start falling onto Tommy's face. How could it only be raining on Tommy’s face? Buck touched his cheek to only find it wet from salty tears.
“Buck!” Hen's voice snapped through to Buck, “We have to get him to the hospital, he will be fine.”
Buck opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. He nodded, gripping Tommy’s hand one last time. Buck leaned down to Tommy gently placing a soft tender kiss onto Tommy's forehead. The taste of Tommy's blood filled Buck's mouth, he knew that taste would haunt him for the rest of his days.
Buck watched helplessly as Tommy was taken into the ambulance, driving Buck's heart further and further away.
-
Sunshine peeked through the curtains coating Tommy’s body in warmth. As his body rolled he happily groaned, stretching under his blankets. A giddy feeling fluttered in Tommy's chest. All Tommy could think of was Evan. Evan. Evan. Evan. The night before was their first night together, their bodies entangled with one another, soft kisses on his neck, sweet moans echoing through the room, the feeling of Evan inside him. Tommy smiled at the memory. Evan made Tommy feel lighter, happier, he never wanted that to change.
Tommy moved his hand across the bed to find the otherside empty. Quickly, Tommy whipped his head around the room, finding himself alone. Pain shot through his heart like a bullet. He knew that they were going too fast, too soon. But how could Tommy say no to those big blues, to that pout. He couldn’t, that was his problem. Everything must of stressed Evan out last night. It was all so new to him, what was Tommy even thinking? He moved too quickly again, he freaked someone else out again. Tears started to sting his eyes, he shouldn’t be this upset over something this new, but the potential was there. Tommy yearned for Evan, more than he will ever admit but it was over now, he fucked it up once more, he-
Wait, was that smell?
Is that… are those…pancakes?
Tommy stumbled around his room to grab the nearest boxers, pair of socks and a blue hoodie he was pretty sure wasn't his own. He wandered down the stairs, the smell of sweet pancakes rushing through his nose. Tommy didn’t know when was the last time someone made him pancakes. Or hell when was the last time someone actually cooked for him. Tommy was mostly on his own, no one was there to ever take care of Tommy. Slowly, he crept down the hall, fidgeting with the string on the hoodie. At the end of the hall Tommy stood as he watched Evan place a freshly cooked pancake on top of a small growing pile of pancakes next to the stove. Warmth consumed Tommy’s being.
“You're making pancakes?” Tommy questioned, softly with a fond smile on his face.
Evan jumped in surprise not expecting Tommy to be up, a wide grin formed on his face, his blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight coming through the kitchen window. “Uh yeah I-I hope that's ok, I was starving.” Evan turned off the stove and careened around the kitchen island holding Tommy by the waist moving Tommy closer to him.
“How did you even find everything?” Tommy looked at him amazed.
“Well,” Evan gleamed, “Your kitchen is very organized, in the right way might I add, which made it easier to find everything.” Evan leaned in close, his breath now on Tommy’s lips.
“I didn't know there was a right way to organize a kitchen.”
“Of course there is, and it's hot that you have it that way.”
“Oh really,” Tommy chuckled.
“Yeah,” Evan tilted his head, “Just as hot as you wearing my hoodie.” Evan’s eyes moved down Tommy’s body taking every bit in fascinated by how Tommy’s muscles fit within the fabric of the hoodie. His eyes eventually landed on Tommy’s lips.
Evan closed the distance between them, softly kissing Tommy’s lips, slow, soft, passionate. Tommy adjusted his stance cupping Evan's cheeks to bring him in closer. Tommy could live in this moment forever, the feeling of Evan's soft lips on his was the best sensation in the world. He could do this forever and ever.
Evan pulled away with a frown on his face, eyes swimming in sorrow.
“Evan, what's wrong?” Tommy could feel a tight grip around his chest.
“You need to wake up Tommy.”
“E-Evan what do you mea-”
Evan forcefully grabbed Tommy's face pulling him closer, their foreheads pressed together. Determination gleamed in his big blue eyes staring into Tommy's soul. “You need to wake up!”
-
Bright agonizing lights shined daggers into Tommy's eyes. His head ached, his body ached, he felt like he was hit by a fucking car. Oh wait. He was. It was all rushing back to him. The car crash, the box of Evan's things, every single little thing he fucked up. A rhythmic beeping in the background grew faster and faster, more erratic. What was that damned beeping? Tommy could feel a warm squeeze on his hand. It was all too much, everything was all too much. He wanted to scream. He couldn't though, all he could muster up was a weak moan as his body shifted. Shit it all hurt, he should move, his body screamed at him to not move. With his free hand he gripped the rough blanket surrounding his body.
“Hey, hey, Tommy it's ok, you're ok,” a soothing voice called out to him.
Guilt formed a pit in his stomach, why is someone here, he doesn't deserve someone to be by his side. The bright lights dimmed around him, slowly Tommy opened his eyes, his vision still blurry. He blinked rapidly to adjust to his surroundings. Tommy’s eyes focused on the bright blue ones staring right back at him, the blue even more vibrant around the pained red. Evan was a mess, his curls more wild than ever, a stubble growing on his face, deep dark pockets under his eyes, his skin pale and clammy.
“H-How,” his voice grated against his throat leaving it raw. Evan quickly grabbed the pitcher from the table next to them, filling the plastic pink cup with water sticking a straw in it, bringing it to Tommy. The water soothed down the angry heated pain in Tommy's throat. “How long was I out?”
“A couple of days,” Evan weakly smiled at him.
“A-And you've been waiting for me?”
“Yeah why wouldn't I?” Evan tilted his head as if it was insane to not wait for Tommy.
Guilt overwhelmed him, he suddenly needed to get out of that damn room. Tommy lifted himself to sit up on the hospital bed, pain shot through him like lightning. He greeted his teeth, swallowing down a pained scream.
“No, no, no don't do that,” Evan was already up from his seat pressing the button to lift the hospital bed up. “How do you feel?”
“Like I was hit by a bus,” Tommy chuckled.
Evan didn't laugh.
“Too soon?”
“You have a few broken ribs, multiple lacerations, a broken wrist, a concussion. Tommy, you were bleeding internally! I had to sit and wait while you were in surgery sick with worry!”
“Evan, I didn't mean-”
“I am not saying this to make you feel bad, I am saying this because you should know it's too damn early to be joking about this right now!”
Evan slumped back down in his chairs fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie, his blue hoodie.
“You went back to my house?”
“To grab you a few things for when you woke up.”
“And you got your hoodie back…”
Evan's cheeks went pink, “I-I um-”
“Evan it's fine, I understand.”
Evan snapped his head back to Tommy, his nose scrunched up looking at him in disbelief, “No you don't Tommy!” Tommy flinched in his hospital bed. “You don't understand, I know you said this between us won't work out, but you haven't even tried. You don't know what is going to happen. The only reason you think you know is because of fear.”
“Evan…”
“If you really want me out of your life I'll go.”
Tommy didn’t respond, too much was happening, he couldn't wrap his head around it. Evan gave him a nod and lifted himself off of the uncomfortable hospital chair. No, no, no, he can't let him walk away. He grabbed Evan's hand, pleading for him to stay.
“Don't!”
Evan turned back to his seat and gripped Tommy’s hand with both of his, Tommy held on tight, Evan was his lifeline, he needed to hold on.
“You're right, Tommy huffed, “I am terrified, every time I went into a relationship, a serious relationship. It all blew up in my face before I could even see the signs. I got scared so I ran. It's easier to be alone than to be hurt.”
Evan's face crumbled from Tommy’s words, he held onto Tommy a little tighter.
“But I realize… I realized a little too late that it still hurts.” Tears started to sting Tommy’s eyes. “I don't know if I have it in me to be alone again.”
Evan cupped Tommy’s cheek wiping away a tear, “You don't have to be alone.”
“How could you even want me back? After everything…”
“You think too little of yourself.” Evan leaned in and pressed a kiss on Tommy’s forehead. “I love you, Tommy. Not this idealized version of you. You, all of you, your good, your bad, the you that is confident and cool, the you that is all sharp edges afraid of anything good. All of you.”
“What does that mean for us?”
“That we both have a lot of stuff to work out. But why do it alone?”
“...When we can do it together…”
Evan smiled.
“Oh!” Evan quickly shoved his hands in his hoodie pocket pulling out… pulling out the mistletoe. “It’s a bit crumpled, but it should still-”
Tommy closed the distance between them, gently pressing his lips against Evan's. Evan ran his fingers through Tommy’s hair, still holding the mistletoe above them with his other hand. God how Tommy missed this.
Whistles and cheers started the both of them. By the door, the members of the 118 clapped with bright smiles on their faces. Evan's face grew bright red.
“I knew my mistletoe plan would work!” Chimney cheered.
Hen jabbed her elbow into Chimney’s side, “You mean our mistletoe plan.”
“Hey your plan didn't work at all,” Evan protested, “It actually backfired, hard .”
“Eh I'm not sure if I would go that far,” Tommy smiled at him fondly.
“See,” Eddie gestured towards Tommy, “Even Tommy agrees, it was a success.”
“Eh,” Tommy shrugged his shoulders.
“Alright well we should probably leave you two to it,” Bobby said “We will be back with everyone else and some food for you two.”
“Everyone else?” Tommy questioned.
“You are still a part of this family whether you like it or not. You aren't getting rid of us that easily,” Bobby replied.
It was just the two of them again, once more. Tommy scooched over in his bed making room for Evan. He climbed in holding Tommy close, the bed squeaked under their weight Tommy pressed his head against Evan's chest feeling it rise and fall. He curled his arms around Evan, fitting in nicely against his body. Evan pressed his lips against the top of Tommy’s head.
Tommy wanted this day to come, he craved for it with every fiber of his being, he wanted this day to come. Turns out today was that day.
“I love you too, Evan.”