Chapter Text
sirius was never the sun, he wasn’t the moon either. he was the star.
and no one ever questioned this, everyone knew how confident, how cool and how popular he was.
everybody loved him, and those who hated him just didn’t know him well enough to discover all the layers that sirius orion black had to offer.
he was a rebellious kid, sure, but he was so much more.
and sometimes, sirius was too much of this.
he felt trapped.
and he felt everything too deeply or not at all.
he’d always been a troubled one.
he remembered how father and mother were hoping that he’d become something big, something that they could be proud of.
but this sirius…they couldn’t ever feel pride towards him and his actions.
regulus was the star’s reflection, a dark sea that mirrored every turn, every change of moods and every action that the star did.
he was sirius‘ younger brother after all.
they loved each other even if it was in a way that only they understood, but there was unconditional love that both of them felt towards each other.
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it seems like a regular friday evening, the marauders are up to some mischief, as per usual, even if they all do it their own way nowadays.
james and lily went to hogsmeade to celebrate their anniversary, after all it’s been 2 years since james asked lily to be his girlfriend.
peter and mary were still somewhere in the great hall, they’ve been getting along quite well lately. over dinner they started discussing another one of their favorite philosophical topics and by now they were probably deep into it, so peter would stay out for quite some time, just like james.
so it was just remus and sirius in the dorm tonight.
remus didn’t like to admit, but he did feel the sudden mood changes that sirius had every now and then, of course they never talked about it, as if they ever talked about anything these days.
sirius just seemed to be getting into these weird moods where no one could really reach him anymore and remus was quite worried. but he also knew that sirius would not appreciate the worry, he wasn’t one to get emotional really.
sirius black covered up the wounds with the biggest smile you’d ever see, that’s simply who he was.
but tonight was different, he’d seen those stages creep up on sirius and then slowly decease into nothingness.
but this, this was not the usual.
sirius was quiet, for once in what felt like forever, he did not say a single word this whole evening.
remus noticed that he hadn’t been eating properly either, a few bits here and there but not a single full meal in almost a whole week.
he was surviving on pure caffeine and cigarettes and remus did not like this behavior, he thought about telling the other boys that something was off, but then again this would make sirius more mad than it would help, so he kept his mouth shut.
he even thought about telling reggie, as they had a special bond and often talked about sirius and their very complicated family stuff, but remus knew that he had to handle this himself, sirius trusted him the most and he knew that.
so when sirius finally came out of the bathroom, remus wanted to slowly approach the topic but instead he was instantly greeted by an intense kiss.
he couldn’t even stop sirius from touching and kissing him everywhere. their bodies were pressed against each other and clearly, sirius only had one thing in mind.
remus did not.
he interrupted the making out session that sirius started by pushing himself away.
and sirius suddenly opened his eyes, that’s when remus saw.
his pupils were wide and his eyes were bloodshot, his eyeliner was smudged and it looked as if sirius had been crying for hours. and remus knew that sirius never slept at night these days, his insomnia was driving him mad.
but there was anger now too, clearly sirius wasn’t in the mood to being analysed by his boyfriend now of all times.
„what the fuck moony?“ he asked in a very insulting way „what was that for? you never say no to our lovely sessions, do you?“
remus didn’t know how to start, so he just tried
„pads i think you’re not in the right headspace right now, i think there’s something wrong. look, you haven’t been eating, haven’t been sleeping properly and it looks like you’ve been crying. just tell me what’s going on, love?“
sirius furrowed his eyebrows and stepped back
„what the fuck does that mean, remus? what the actual fuck…i am not crazy or something i just wanted to have fun for ONCE, remus. just this one time, please. i miss your body, i miss mine against yours. i miss feeling this. you’re such an asshole for always assuming the worst you know that? sometimes i feel like i hate you so MUCH for this..“
tears welled in his eyes, but he quickly blinked them away.
remus saw, and remus heard.
„there’s honestly no reason to attack me this way you know. i just want the best for you and the fact that you can’t even admit that there’s something going on with you is bad enough. GOD sirius can’t you see that i am trying to help, like actually help you? but i CAN‘T if you won’t let me in. and lately you haven’t been letting me in, all we do when we’re together is make out, you don’t even talk to me anymore.“
„yeah right that’s ALL just on ME…you never did anything to improve it either, did you? don’t tell me that i‘m FUCKED in the head when we both know who‘s THE REAL PSYCHO HERE..“
his last words echoed so loud inside remus‘ brain that all he could think about was his ugly, horrible self that he hated with all his guts.
he couldn’t answer, instead he just stormed out of the room and left sirius on his own.
he couldn’t handle these types of outbursts from him anymore, he needed space.
he tried so hard and everything he did was wrong again, he would just stop. sirius would probably be better off without someone worrying all the time anyways.
remus went to the library.
who would’ve thought that the first person he sees is regulus black.
surely the younger black can’t ruin his mood any further, so remus decides to join him for a small reading session
„hey, reg“
„hi“
„mind if i join you?“
„not at all, no. go ahead.“
„thanks mate.“
————————————
meanwhile sirius was going absolutely mad.
he was so angry at himself and so upset he didn’t know what to do.
what did he even think when he told remus all those awful things, he loved him so much he couldn’t even put it into words.
it was all his fault.
everything is always his fault.
he’s too aware of his own existence, that’s when the shutting off happens.
he’s just gone, suddenly there’s another sirius…and he is so different and scary.
sirius couldn’t breathe.
the room looked like a mess because there were clothes everywhere, sirius couldn’t handle the chaos inside his brain so he made another one to distract him from all of this.
he sat in silence, chugging down a whole bottle of red wine, he felt numb.
the numbness finally took over.
everything was fine, it was okay.
he was okay with it, with his own being.
he knew that he had to do next, and knowing calmed him down.
after having finished his bottle, he goes to the bathroom.
there he finds his razor and the blade that he takes out of it.
he needs to feel, he needs to numb the numbness out and feel so much pain that his own heart will stop hurting aswell.
he rolls up his sleeve, sits across the bathtub.
and begins his ritual of self destruction.
„oh lord, forgive me for all the pain i’ve caused when i was trying to forget my existence. i am what i am, and i don’t belong. give me a few seconds to feel and i will be good to live again.“
and with that, sirius falls into a deep sleep.