Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sanja has a lot to catch up on.  The Mouth of Flowers may have been a good place to learn about how shit-eating, scum-sucking awful people can be, but it sure didn’t teach her much about history or politics.  Witness how Sanja had believed the Hierarchs were night-tales, boogeymen made up to scare children, instead of a horrific blight that emptied cities and whose actions still scar the world.  

Sanja feels a little guilty about it, but in some ways it’s nice to have Tenes because Tenes also doesn’t know a lot of things she should.  It’s like they’re in the same boat, although the girls are ignorant in very different ways — Sanja may not know facts about world history, but Aclines wiped Tenes’ mind of her entire personal history.  Truthfully, that’s much worse off than Sanja is.  

Not that Sanja wouldn’t love Tenes even if they didn’t have this in common!  Tenes is tough, and kind, and confident, and smart, and she can kill people by making them choke on flowers.  Sanja really admires her, and becoming her friend is one of the best things to come from being kidnapped and nearly killed.  

And there are a lot of good things that came from being nearly murdered.  Sanja never has to go back to the Mouth of Flowers.  She gets regular meals now, and clothes that aren’t rags. She’s already seen more of the world than she ever imagined, and she’s not done traveling yet.  With how good all that is, it really means something that the best part of her experience as a human sacrifice is the people. 

Traveling with a legendary demon and deadly Witches may be dangerous, but it’s more than balanced out by the company Sanja now keeps: Tenes is the best friend Sanja’s had since Gion and Laka got taken by the merchant patrol.  Kai has been gentle and protective of Sanja from the moment they met, even though he was disoriented, betrayed and terrified for his friend.  Ziede is sharp, dignified, and dangerous, and Sanja wants nothing more than to grow up to be just like her.  

And as far as Sanja can tell, none of them have ever lied to her.  For the first time, Sanja has adults who will answer almost any question Sanja asks.

So Sanja’s learning everything she wants to know about the world.  But Tenes is still missing her past.

“Expositors don’t quite take every memory from their familiars, when they take their thoughts,” Kai explains when Sanja asks about it.  “They take personal information, but they do leave facts and general knowledge.  Expositors wouldn’t want their slaves to forget, for example, language, because then the familiars couldn’t understand and obey orders.  Expositors want their secrets kept, and they also like to hurt people, but they don’t like to be inconvenienced.”

“It is possible to do it,” Ziede adds, scowling.  “An expositor can empty a person’s mind so throughly that everything that made that person herself, a unique individual, is gone, but that leaves her basically a vegetable, less than a baby.  She’ll forget how to think or walk, maybe how to breathe.  People who have been erased like that tend to die quickly, and it’s a mercy.”  

That’s terrifying, and Sanja hadn’t even known to be afraid of it before.

Kai must see something on her face, because he tells her, “That type of total erasure is rare, because expositors usually try to keep their familiars alive.  Expositors can’t steal power from the dead.”

Sanja can’t tell if that was supposed to be comforting or not.  Probably not; Kai and Ziede don’t give comfort unless it’s real.

“Can a familiar get her memory back?” Sanja asks, because that’s the most important question right now.  She suspects she knows the answer already, but Sanja hopes anyway.

“No,” Ziede says bluntly.  “Some things can’t be fixed.”

Sanja knows.  

“But sometimes it can be mitigated,” Ziede says, before pausing to first explain what “mitigated” means and then to squabble with Kai over the definition.

“A person’s thoughts and memories aren’t all stored in the same place,” Ziede continues.  “When a memory or thought is destroyed, pieces of it can linger.  It may not be enough to remember what was lost, but sometimes a specific smell will bring back the sensation of heart-stopping fear or an overheard lullaby can call up the impression of being hugged.”  

“And people can relearn things about themselves,” Kai adds.  “Or else they can deduce information about their past.  Like if someone whose thoughts were taken recognizes high quality clothing, can successfully color coordinate an outfit, and is familiar with fashion and styles, that person might have been or have ties to a textile merchant.”

Sanja nods determinedly.  “Can you show me the Witchspeak signs for memory?  And smell?”  Sanja has a whole new list of words she needs to learn.

They teach her all of them.

After they finally rescue Tahren Stargard, they ride the Immortal Blessed ascension raft one last time back out of Arike territory before they send Saadrin away with the ship.  Ramad stayed behind at a traders’ post before they found Tahren, and Tahren herself seems all right for an adult.  This means that, for the first time in a very long time, maybe for the first time ever, Sanja is part of a group in which every member is someone she mostly trusts.  

It’s not just Sanja who relaxes a bit once Tahren is safe and the others are gone.  Ziede’s the most obvious about it — she smiles more since they got her wife back, and these smiles go all the way up to her eyes — but Dahin was so relieved that he cried when he saw his sister, and Sanja saw Kai lean in once when Tahren slung an arm over his shoulder and squeezed.   

Tenes and Sanja head to the market to buy supplies, partly because Tahren’s the tallest woman Sanja’s ever met and no one else’s clothes fit her, but also because Tenes and Sanja think the adults could use some time to themselves.  They deserve the chance to catch up in private after the constant stress and terror of the last few weeks.

There’s a third reason for Sanja to visit the market with Tenes: memories.  

When they arrive, the air swirls with music and fragrant spices from all over the continent.  It’s the largest concentration of people Sanja’s seen since she was sold in the Mouth of Flowers.  It is a little overwhelming to be somewhere so crowded and new, but mostly it’s exciting.  

Tenes sticks close, almost gluing herself to Sanja’s side.  Tenes does need Sanja to translate the Witchspeak, but Sanja thinks maybe Tenes is just unfamiliar with crowds.  She doesn’t move with the flow of foot traffic, and she’s wary when people press too close.  So far, the only information they’ve gleaned about Tenes’ past is that she’s from a witchline which works with ground spirits, but now Sanja thinks that Tenes probably isn’t from a city.

They wander their way through the clothier district until Tenes signs This one in front of a dark blue robe-skirt set.  They give the tailor Tahren’s measurements and arrange to pick up the completed outfits in a few hours.  

As soon as that’s done, Sanja immediately drags Tenes off towards an enthusiastic trio of street musicians playing Enalin songs.  After the musical set finishes, Sanja directs their feet towards the food carts.  She grew up in one of the largest port cities in the world and Sanja still can’t recognize all the different types of foods available here, so she buys samples from as wide a variety of carts and cuisines as she can manage.  She makes extra sure to choose foods with strong scents and tastes. 

Sanja divides the food in half, and she and Tenes eat and walk.  She watches Tenes carefully, and whenever her friend seems to especially enjoy a particular dish, Sanja passes her own share of it over to Tenes.

Thanks, Tenes signs, but you don’t have to.  

I know, Sanja replies.  I want to, and Tenes smiles.

Maybe Tenes’ past will never come back, and she’ll never have even a scrap of her history returned to her by a song or a smell.  It doesn’t mean that Sanja can’t try.

And Tenes will make new memories.  Sanja will help.