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Tony had walked upstairs from the lab to grab another coffee to find the others all in the lounge, huddled together. The sound of a low sobbing filled his ears and he recognised it to be Steve. Steve was mumbling something that Tony couldn’t quite hear. Then, he heard two words. Two words that would tear his whole world apart. Peggy and gone. Tony’s heart sank to his stomach as his eyes went glassy. He stared at the four Avengers in front of him with no expression. Just blank. Tony could feel his chest collapsing, crushing his lungs that were desperately trying to suck in oxygen. This couldn’t be true. It wasn’t true. Peggy, dead? She had been fine when he talked to her yesterday morning. He couldn’t lose her. Not Peggy. He couldn’t lose the last of his family. Not right now. He needed her. He couldn’t work through all this on his own. This can’t be hap- Nat throwing a piece of paper at Tony pulled him out of his spiraling thoughts. She was mouthing something. Tony had to refocus his eyes before he could read her lips. “Help Steve. He needs us.” Tony lowered his head slightly. Of course, Steve’s hurting. He has to help him. Slowly, Tony walked to them and joined the embrace around Steve. He didn’t trust himself to talk so he rubbed his back instead. He could hear the soft voice of Nat soothing Steve with kind words and gentle lullabies. All of which were too far from Tony to affect him. Right now all he could see and hear was Peggy. All he could feel was complete and total loss. Loss of all feelings but mourning. Loss of one of the only people who loved him. Loss of the one who kept him afloat. Loss. His whole world was spinning out of control.
That night, the others were all cuddled up on the couch watching old movies. Steve sat in the middle of the group, surrounded by blankets, warmth, and love. Tony didn’t join them. He couldn’t face it. All of them making sure Steve was cared for while Tony drowned mere metres away. Instead, as much as he had tried to stop doing so, he disappeared down to the lab to escape. His safe space. Once inside, he locked the door and slunk down to the floor, pulling his knees to his chest. Tony stared silently at the wall adjacent to him. It was covered in blueprints from his latest project but his eyes wouldn’t focus enough for him to read them. So he just sat there. None of the others noticed the missing presence. None of them seemed to care. But why would they? They didn’t know. They didn't know that Tony even knew Peggy, didn't know that he called her his aunt or that she had been one of the only people to truly care about him as a kid. They didn't know. So they didn't care. They didn't care that Tony was falling apart, his heart torn and bleeding, that he was lost, that his rock was gone, and he desperately needed a hug, something to keep him together. But they just didn't know.
Two days later, the funeral date was announced, along with the lengthy guest list. Peggy was well known and loved by many, her colleagues, associates, Shield, friends, family, and Tony. Anyone who had met her would know just how powerful she was. She carried herself with such grace and confidence. She was incredible. Everyone knew that. As Tony scanned through the guest list, he felt his throat closing. His name was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t invited? No. There must’ve been a misprint. Of course, just a misprint. But when Tony called Sharon to question the list, his hope was shattered. “We don’t want you there Anthony and neither would she. You’re not her family. You made that decision when you signed the accords. Stay away.” Sharon’s voice was full of venom more potent than a funnel web’s and it spread through Tony’s body with a stinging pain. Without giving Tony a chance to respond, Sharon hung up. Tony couldn’t breathe. It felt as if an invisible force was closing in around him, squeezing all of the oxygen from his lungs. He set down the phone and tried to focus himself. He sank to his knees and let out a low sob, finally able to breathe. He wouldn’t even get the chance to say goodbye to Peggy. To his aunty. Tony stayed in the lab that night, not moving from the cold, hard floor. He was frozen. A shell of his former self. Hollow.
In the coming days before the funeral, Tony distanced himself from Steve and the others. He knew if he didn’t, he’d do something he would later regret. The night prior to the funeral, Tony was walking to the kitchen to get some coffee when he overheard Clint and Bruce talking in the hallway. “I get why Sharon didn’t want Tony there. All this accords stuff is messy and the day should only be about Peggy. Plus, it’s not like he knew her. He’ll be fine.” Tony froze, the words hitting him like a punch from Ultron. Breaking him into pieces. Did Clint really think he’d make the day about himself? Sure he was egotistical and a bit arrogant but this is loss of life, not a fucking interview about the Avengers. Tony’s head became cloudy and dark. He abandoned the coffee and went back to the lab, shutting himself away again. Sheltered from what could hurt him but at the same time, leaving him with his own thoughts.
Finally, the day of the funeral came. Steve, Clint, and Bruce were all dressed in nice, pressed suits with black ties. Nat was wearing a mid-length black dress, her curls falling over her shoulders. Tony was wearing his lab clothes, a black t-shirt and oil covered jeans. “I hope everythin goes right.” Tony forced out the sentence. It was all he could manage. They all nodded and Nat spoke low. “Can you clean up a bit around here Tones? It’s getting pretty messy.” Tony nodded before turning away and walking towards the lab. The others left to meet Sharon. Tony put the lab in full lockdown and pooled all of his bottles together. One by one, he sank each and every whiskey bottle he had. By the end of the funeral, Tony had to have drunk ten bottles. Although he had a high tolerance to alcohol, ten bottles was far more than even he could handle. He was stumbling around the lab, sipping from the bottle in his hand, and mumbling to himself. That’s when the lab door opened. Immediately, even in his drunken state, Tony went on the defensive. Calling a suit and putting it on stand by, Tony stumbled round to see the door. He relaxed only slightly when he realised it was Nat. “Seriously Tones?” She scoffed. Now he was confused. “W-what? I jus-st been workin in h-here..” He slurred and stepped towards her. “You’re drunk. Do you not care about Steve? I know you disagree on the accords but he’s still your friend.. You should be helping him, not getting drunk.” Tony was even more confused. Of course he cared about Steve. He cared about all the Avengers, even Fury. “Y-you were all at-t the funeral. I-I thought I’d b-be alone all night-t.” Tony explained as best he could without revealing why he was drinking. He didn’t want to make things more complicated. Nat scoffed once again. “You’re so selfish. You should be helping us comfort Steve and you didn’t even clean up. Grow the fuck up Tones.” Tony’s brows furrowed. Nat’s words cut him deeper than a knife. Straight through his chest to his heart and all the way into it. Did she really think he was selfish? She’s supposed to be his best friend and she’s saying he’s selfish. No. That’s not fair. It’s not fair he’s the bad guy in all this. Not when he just wants the Avengers to be ok. Not when he just wants Peggy. Out of anger and hurt, Tony hurled the bottle he was holding towards Nat, making it shatter against the wall behind her and spray whiskey all over them both. He knew it wouldn’t hit her. He made sure of it. “I am n-not selfish. Clearly, you don’t-t know me.” He spat as sharply as he could in the state he was. Nat flinched ever so slightly when the bottle smashed, scrunching up her face as whiskey covered her. She shook her head in disappointment. “Come find me when you’re sober and ready to help Steve.” She said before walking away and back upstairs. Upstairs to where Steve and the others were huddled. Tony was panting lightly from the adrenaline coursing through him. As it wore off, Tony collapsed to the floor, crying and shaking.
Tony stayed that way for a long time, no will to move, no want to do anything. He didn’t know how long it had been but finally, Tony stood from the floor. He weakly walked to his computer. Three days!? It’d been three days since the funeral and no one had come to find Tony. No one had seen him since that night and yet they hadn't thought to check on him? Not a single one of them. Why was he even surprised anymore? Of course they wouldn’t. They had Steve to worry about. Not Tony. Nobody wants him near, they just turned their heads, their attention to Steve. Nobody helped him. Nobody thought he needed it.
Nat was more than angry with Tony. Did he seriously think getting drunk was a good idea? Probably. She had pushed away her anger to help Bruce and Clint with Steve. The funeral had helped and Steve was starting to accept Peggy was gone. Something Tony didn’t have the luxury of. He still felt her everywhere. Nat wrapped a large, thick blanket around the four of them, hugging tight. Steve had started telling stories from back when he met Peggy. At one point, Steve mentioned that Peggy and Howard had been friends back then. Howard, Peggy, and Hank Pym had founded Shield. Howard and Peggy… That’s when it clicked. Nat and Bruce looked at each other with guilt in their eyes. Tony knew Peggy. That’s why he was avoiding everyone. That’s why he was drunk the day and night of the funeral. Because he had been denied his right to say goodbye. Quickly, Nat made up an excuse to leave for a bit and asked Bruce to come with her. The two raced down to the lab, pulling open the doors. Tony was slumped on the couch, hugging a pillow. Empty bottles littered the ground around him. His eyes were sunken and red, hair messy and slightly matted. Tony didn’t even acknowledge they’d walked into the lab. He just stared at the wall, blank. The glass from the thrown bottle was still strewn throughout the lab and a few places had smears of blood. Tony’s feet had been cut when he’d walked to the couch but he was too numb to notice. He couldn’t feel anything. Nat and Bruce’s hearts shattered at the sight of their friend. Bruce grabbed the brush and shovel, cleaning up the broken glass and bottles. Slowly, Nat approached him. “Tones?” She spoke in a gentle tone. He gave no response. He didn’t even blink. “Tones, it’s Nat.” She softly placed her hand on his stubble covered cheek and made his eyes meet hers. This seemed to snap him back because as soon as he saw her and felt her warmth, everything came crashing down. An emotional flood seeped through his mind and poured out of his eyes. A river flowed down his cheeks as he looked up at Nat. “T-tals?” Tony’s voice was broken and shallow as he spoke. Nat scooped him up into a tight hug, pulling him close to her chest. “I’m so sorry, Tones. I should’ve realised. I should’ve known something was wrong.” Nat’s tone was genuine and full of guilt and Tony could tell. He buried his face in her shoulder and let out a broken cry. Gently, Nat cradled his head and soothed him with soft Russian lullabies. She sat beside him on the couch, holding him tighter. Bruce soon joined the embrace. He held Tony tight and rubbed his back.
Tony’s muffled sobs rang throughout the lab and travelled through the open door, reaching all the way to Clint’s ears. He was confused. Was that Tony? He made sure Steve would be alright on his own before heading down to the lab. His heart broke at the sight. Tony was curled between Nat and Bruce, still crying hard. While Nat was singing to him softly and playing with his hair, Bruce rubbed his back and held him tight. Bruce looked up at Clint and mouthed. “He did know Peggy. Better than any of us.” Clint’s chest ached with guilt. He’d been so insensitive and assumed Tony didn’t know Peggy. Hesitantly, Clint stepped towards Tony, speaking softly and quietly. “Tony I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise. I shouldn’t have assumed.” Tony gave a slight nod to let Clint know he forgave him. Clint nodded back but before he could speak again Tony’s gravelly voice piped up. “Go to Steve. He’s hurtin too. I’ll be fine with these two.” As much as Clint wanted to stay and help, he knew someone should be with Steve so he gave another nod and started up the stairs. “Just call for me if you need somethin.” He said before he disappeared upstairs.
Bruce and Nat hugged Tony as tight as they could and slowly he calmed. He was no longer crying but it left his eyes puffy and red. He’d nuzzled between the two. Quietly, his voice broke the silence. “I just wanted to say goodbye…” Nat’s heart sunk and she kissed his head. “I’m sorry you couldn’t. I’m sure if Sharon had known-” Tony shook his head and cut her off. “She did know. There’s photos of me as a kid in Peggy’s house. I called her almost everyday. Sharon knew.” Nat’s brows furrowed in anger. Sharon had seriously stopped Tony from seeing Peggy just because of the accords? “I’m so sorry, Tones. That’s horrible. You deserved to say goodbye.” Tony shrugged. “It’s too late now..” Bruce shook his head. “No it’s not. You may not be able to see her but- Well she was buried. You could go up there to say goodbye.” Nat nodded in agreement. “We’ll take you whenever you’re ready.” Tony nodded. It may not have been the way he wanted to say goodbye but at least he’d be able to. Nat went back to singing and Bruce to rubbing Tony’s back. Tony yawned and could feel his eyelids grow heavy. He curled into his two friends, trying to refuse sleep but the warmth, affection, and singing combined pushed him into drifting off. Nat and Bruce stayed there to watch over him, holding him tight. Hopefully, he’d get a decent sleep.