Work Text:
He sees the news article first before the managers from Red Bull send him texts warning him to stay quiet and not speak a word about it to anyone, courtesy of Loki who sent a smug congratulations attached to the text and said nothing. The texts from Red Bull makes it clear that he isn’t to speak a word about this to anyone until they’ve cleared it out at the HQ, which is just another way of saying keep your damn mouth shut until we hand you what you’re meant to say.
He’s confused at first because he can’t think of anything that would warrant such a response from all parties involved until he clicks on the link and sees the news article. Once he does, he could picture the script they’d hand him.
I mean it’s a bit unexpected but-
I trust that he is doing what is the best for him-
I wish the best of luck to him in the next season-
He can already taste the bitterness in his mouth from all the lies he has to spew and the fake smiles he must paint. He thinks of how he’ll be expected to look remorseful yet happy to wish him well for his future endeavors when all Michael wants to do right now is ram his car into his. Perhaps that will be a nice way to say goodbye. To make sure his career peaks right here when he’s still Michael Kaiser’s teammate.
He smothers the urge to smash his phone into the wall because God forbid the hotel cleaning service sees the mess he makes and the next thing he knows it will be his face on the news article with a different headline saying Michael Kaiser trashes his room after his disastrous performance at the Singapore Grand Prix! And he doesn’t think they’ll appreciate it much at the HQ. Not with this mess.
He stares at the all-too-familiar face that was frozen mid-laughter, and Michael knows this picture because it was one of the rare few times when he was smiling with Michael in public. He had it saved on his phone and spent nights staring at it. Except, the one he had was a frame of both of them walking through the paddock at Monaco while this picture was cropped to only show one person along with that awful headline.
Isagi Yoichi to leave Red Bull for McLaren at the end of this season!
Michael and Yoichi’s fates were tied from the moment they met each other during their days at the Red Bull junior team. Both were chosen along with a rare few for their exceptional talent at racing and allowed to hone their talent so they might one day drive a Formula One car. And wasn’t that an honor?
His memories of Yoichi were always tied with them competing against each other on tracks. Who could be the fastest. Who could sabotage chalk another win before the other. Who would be called first.
It was Michael.
Michael had gloated when he didn’t need to participate in Formula 2 before Red Bull was calling him up for Toro Rosso next season. He still remembers Yoichi’s reddening face from that day.
Yoichi, never the one to be defeated, tried to follow him as fast as he could, but by the time Yoichi enters Formula 1 through Toro Rosso, Michael had already moved up to Red Bull. And Yoichi… never gave up. Even as he made to Formula 1 with Alpha Tauri with their less than stellar cars. Yoichi never gave up.
Until now.
“I can’t entertain you now. Go find someone else to fuck around with.” Yoichi looks tired yet he musters up a venomous glare directed at Michael.
Michael smiles through his anger. “Thought I’d personally come to congratulate you!”
“You?” Yoichi said, looking like he couldn’t believe the words coming out of Michael’s mouth. Which is fair, given that Michael never once congratulated him for any of his wins. Not that he had many wins. Alpha Tauri was training grounds for future Red Bull drivers, but they weren’t really expected to be winning podiums. And when it came to Red Bull, it was most often Michael on the higher podium except for the race in Belgium where Yoichi made it to p1 thanks to Itoshi junior crashing into Sae. Wasn’t that a lovely day?
Michael’s grin widens and he is pleased to see even Yoichi falter at the sight of it. Without warning, Michael pushes Yoichi inside, ignoring his splutter of protests and slams the door behind him.
“Have you lost your mind?” Yoichi seethes, his eyes flashing.
It always pleased Michael how he was the only one who could reduce Yoichi to this state. Yoichi was ever so pleasant and sweet to the world and the other 18 drivers on the grid, even with Itoshi junior who was always threatening to kill him. But in front of Michael, Isagi Yoichi showed who he truly was. Vicious. Angry. Selfish. Uncouth. Every horrible part of Yoichi that he worked so hard to bury deep inside of him surfaces around Michael. No masks.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He demands, pacing around the room.
Yoichi’s room was spotless as always. Michael always wondered whether Yoichi just found cleaning supplies and cleaned the entire room himself. When asked before, Yoichi looked at him as if he lost his mind.
Some of us don’t like to live in filth.
“Didn’t know I had to tell you about my contract. Since when did you quit being a racer and change to my manager?” Yoichi snaps.
“You wound me, Yoichi.” Michael plops down on his bed, smiling when he sees Yoichi’s face darken. “I thought we were friends!”
“Friends.” Yoichi scoffs. “You and I have never been friends.”
That was true. Rivals. Enemies. Teammates. But not friends. Never friends.
“You’re right.” He purrs. “We’re not friends. But we’re close, aren’t we?”
Yoichi’s jaw clenches and Michael grins wondering what he remembers. Is it Italy? Or last week in Belgium? The countless nights after Michael’s wins when Yoichi’s face would darken with rage and Michael would gleefully pull him to another party where Yoichi would sit in a corner nursing the same glass of wine until-
“Like you ever tell me your decisions.” Yoichi hisses. “And I am leaving.”
Michael is reminded of the harsh reality once more. Yoichi was leaving this team. He wasn’t fighting to be by Michael’s side anymore. Yoichi will be wearing the colors of another team. Yoichi will no longer look at Michael, focused solely on producing better results than him. Yoichi won’t fight with him. Yoichi is leaving him.
“Why?” He asks.
They stare at each other long enough that Michael thinks Yoichi won’t answer.
“Because I want to win.”
There are things Michael won’t ever forget. He won’t forget the fear he felt every time he saw his father after a karting competition when he didn’t win, and he knew the beating that would follow. He won’t forget seeing his mother for the first time when he was ten and she decided it was time to get him away from his father. He won’t forget his first Formula 1 win in France where he overtook Noa on the track he had the highest win in.
And he won’t forget the first time he kissed Isagi Yoichi.
He remembers Yoichi’s gasp of surprise. He remembers the moment of hesitation before he slowly pressed his hands against Michael’s face. He remembers how Yoichi’s eyes were shining under the night sky on that balcony in France.
He remembers after that too. Even when he was sure he was drunker than usual. He remembers the warmth of Yoichi’s hand in his as they both run to his room. He remembers Yoichi’s little giggles when Michael peppered kisses all over him. He remembers his gasps. Moans. The way he called his name.
Michael. Michael.
The only time he ever called him Michael and he was addicted to the sound of his name on Yoichi’s lips. Almost as addicted as he was to win. Perhaps that’s why he only ever allowed himself to have Yoichi when he won. Perhaps it was that fucking conditioning bullshit. Now every win is associated with Yoichi. With his kisses. With his laugh.
There is movement higher up as everyone swarms to find a replacement. People are scrambling to find someone to replace Yoichi. The Alpha Tauri drivers perk up, both getting more aggressive now that there truly is a seat open for them. The media loves the ongoing mess in that team and everyone higher up reminds them to keep a smile on their face and be pleasant. Lest the sycophantic leeches find out that Yoichi’s decision to leave was truly a surprise, they were to act like this was something they were already discussing.
Yoichi acts normal. He still smiles and laughs with the mechanics as if he isn’t leaving. He apologizes to the higher-ups for springing this up on them because Yoichi is polite and nice while Michael would have smirked and rolled his eyes at their anger. Yoichi on the other hand bows and apologizes, looking as if he’s truly sorry.
If he was sorry, he should have stayed.
The next weekend they’re in Japan and the crowd shouts Yoichi and Itoshi junior’s name in unison, already welcoming their Japanese duo in McLaren and ignoring the fact that Yoichi’s name is still in Red Bull blue and yellow. Perhaps that is what pisses him off even more than usual and even Sae notices and speaks up about it. This is saying something because Sae never bothers with anything that doesn’t have to do with his wins.
“What are your plans for tomorrow’s race?”
“Oh, hoping that the ones in front of me crash and take out each other to clear the way for me.”
The interviewer laughs but Sae looks at Michael implying he’s very serious.
Here’s the thing: Michael was in front of him along with Itoshi junior and really planning to take out Itoshi junior if necessary.
The next day it’s pouring when the race starts. The tracks are barely clear and Michael is trying his best, but he knows the race isn’t going to end in his favor, especially when he sees another car overtake and zoom past him.
“Who’s that?”
“Uh… that’s Isagi.”
Michael clenches his jaw. “Thought we weren’t fighting today.”
“You’re comfortable in your lead against Sae. But let’s see-”
“Never mind. Let it be.”
They end with Yoichi in p1 followed by Michael and Sae. Itoshi junior fell somewhere behind in p5 or something and Michael knows he isn’t pleased. Good. At least there’s two of them in this.
Michael is angry at his loss and everything else that has been fucking him up these past few days but Yoichi is laughing. He is laughing as he sprays Sae with champagne, who doesn’t duck out of the way but simply takes it. A rare time when Sae doesn’t shy away from others because this is Yoichi and everyone warms up to him in a way. And Michael-
He turns his bottle towards Yoichi, who glances at him in surprise, and Michael douses him in alcohol.
There’s a party in Abu Dhabi that is celebrating Michael’s second Championship title. He knows people are cheering for him there as he—and Yoichi—bring home another title for Red Bull as both Drivers Championship and Constructor’s title.
There’s a party and people are celebrating Michael and Yoichi who was third this season but he knows Yoichi isn’t satisfied with it because Yoichi is just as much of a glutton as Michael is when it comes to wins. Yoichi will never stop hungering for the #1 that has Michael’s name on it. He’s never stopped even when they are at the academy and probably even younger than that.
There’s a party and there are fireworks still going off that Michael can see so clearly from where he is now, and he knows that anyone else would be at the party getting drunk because you don’t get to properly get drunk during weekends when the season is ongoing. He should be with everyone saying goodbye to Yoichi properly because tonight is the last night they’re Red Bull drivers Michael Kaiser and Yoichi Isagi.
But Michael is in his room where he has Yoichi pinned against the glass windows as he presses their lips together. Every time they break apart, Yoichi would glare at him and try to protest. To remind him they should go back to the party where everyone’s waiting for them.
But tonight is the last night and Michael doesn’t really give a damn about the party. Because there will be another one next year when he wins for the third time. He knows it. And Yoichi won’t be there.
“You’re,” Yoichi gasps, his lips red and glossy. “Mad! We have to go!”
“No, we don’t. No written clause in our contract states we must attend this party.”
He’d know. One good thing his mother did was hammer into him the importance of knowing contracts when it comes to big corporations. One advantage of having a very rich mother was having lawyers who can explain your contract perfectly and make sure your employer would never fuck with you.
“That’s not what I-”
Michael cuts him off as he presses his lips against Yoichi’s again. He doesn’t want to hear Yoichi talk about anything or anyone. The only sounds he wants to hear are Yoichi’s moans and his name from Yoichi’s mouth.
“Stay.” He whispers. “I won, didn’t I? I want my prize.”
Yoichi scoffs, his eyes ever so blue and shining and so much brighter than all the fireworks out there. “And what am I? Your prize?”
Yes. He wants to say. Yoichi is the prize. He’s always been the prize. Something so much sweeter than his win on some days. Something he wants as badly as he wants another title to his name. Something that makes him think that for a moment things are enough.
“You’ll make do.” Is what he says.
Yoichi rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything. He simply pushes Michael towards the bed as he sits on his lap.
He traces Yoichi’s features under the soft dim orange glow from the lamp beside his bedside. There’s a slight frown on Yoichi’s face as if in his dreamland he’s arguing with someone. Michael wonders if it’s him in Yoichi’s dream. If somehow, he managed to sneak into Yoichi’s subconscious and etched himself in it.
They’re not boyfriends because boyfriends mean dates and holding hands and laughing and sweet moments. Michael and Yoichi don’t have that. Instead, they have these secret moments behind closed doors and sometimes they’re not so secret because he’s read Yoichi’s texts from Ego who tells him to get out of Michael’s room and come to the meeting and sometimes someone who’s looking for Yoichi might timidly knock on his door to look for him. Sometimes, he’s reminded how they changed little things about themselves to accommodate the other like Michael picking up tea instead of coffee because Yoichi doesn’t like coffee or now when Yoichi sleeps with the lights on because Michael hates sleeping in the dark.
The dark reminded him too much of his father. The first time Yoichi tried to switch off the lights, Michael screamed. Anyone else would have wiped their hands clean and walked away but Yoichi screamed back.
It’s 2 am! Why are you screaming? You want the whole hotel up here? You want an actual audience? What fucking me against the window isn’t enough for your kinks? If you want the lights on just say it, you fucking asshole!
Michael traces Yoichi’s features and he so desperately wants.
He wants Yoichi to stay. He wants nothing to change. He wants to end this season with Yoichi and start the next with him. He wants Yoichi’s attention on him. He wants Yoichi to only ever look at him.
Greedy. Selfish. If he could he’d lock Yoichi up only for his eyes.
I want to win.
Michael turns away.
Off-season bores him. He scrolls through social media and sees the rare post from Sae who was forced to post it because his pink-haired boyfriend is grinning creepily at the camera while Sae is decked in a thick jacket and scarf with his face almost entirely covered.
When he refreshes his Instagram, the first picture he sees is Yoichi. He pauses.
Yoichi with his bumblebee friend (he doesn’t remember his name but he thinks this one is the artist friend) sitting at a table with steaming bowls in front of them. Both grin at the camera, the yellow one’s fingers forming a V. Michael stares at Yoichi.
There’s a knock on his door and a voice reminding him about the party. He shuts his phone.
His mother’s annual Christmas party that she dragged Michael to attend lest the crowd start murmuring how odd it is that Michael isn’t here. Michael could care less about it and if it were up to him, he wouldn’t be here. But his mother gave him no choice when she sent his sister to pick him up.
Mila adores Michael. She has stars in her eyes and a smile that could rival the sun when she sees Michael. She brags to her friends how her brother is Michael Kaiser, the two-time world champion. She admires him and watches every race he is in, even when it’s late and she should be asleep, or she has school the next morning. Every opportunity she has, she’s begging their mother to let her attend Michael’s race.
Michael equally resents her and adores her. It is easy to resent her when he sees the freedom she’s had growing up that Michael will never have. Their mother doesn’t want Mila to follow in her footsteps which means Mila will never have the harsh mentor that Michael had through his father. It means she is spared from the suffering that Michael suffered through growing up.
It is just as easy to adore her when she so easily showers him with familial love that Michael never had. When she loves him because she is his sister. Her love, affection, and kindness are never based on Michael’s wins and losses. She simply loves Michael for existing.
Yoichi likes his sister. Every time she appears during his race, Yoichi gives her his time and attention. He listens to her chatter about silly schoolgirl things that he knows are boring but somehow Yoichi listens and laughs at the right moment and responds with the right things. Mila tells Yoichi he is her second favorite driver and Yoichi pretends to be offended.
(“It must be nice to have a younger sibling. I always wanted one but my parents would always laugh it off.”
“If you like her so much you can have her.”)
(Yoichi looked at him with a weird look but said nothing to that.)
On the way to their mother’s home, Mila tells him how she was upset when she found out Yoichi was moving to a different team because that meant Yoichi couldn’t be Mila’s second favorite anymore.
“Yoichi said he’s sorry but he won’t be upset if I support a different driver instead of him.” Mila grumbles. “He says he’ll be there at every race just a different team. It’s not the same!”
It’s not the same. He thinks this is the first time someone in his vicinity echoed his thoughts. McLaren’s garage is in the same paddock. They’re still coworkers. They’ll still see each other every weekend. They’ll still race against each other.
Yoichi even told the interviewers this.
I mean Kaiser and I are still in F1. It’s not as if my moving to a different team means I won’t see him.
Still.
It’s not the same.
“Things happen.” He shrugs.
“But why?”
I want to win.
Mila is young and she has none of Michael's or their mother’s selfish greed. Somehow, Mila looks exactly like Michael and their mother with her blonde hair and blue eyes and yet inherits none of their greed. Michael at her age already knew how people could easily leave because they wanted something more. She can’t comprehend how her mother once left her brother behind so she could achieve her dreams. She can’t understand Michael’s never-ending greed for more. Which also means she won’t understand Yoichi’s move.
Michael shrugs.
“I hope McLaren loses next year,” Mila grumbles. “I hope they end up last.”
Michael has to smile at that. At least his sister was spiteful.
His new teammate is Ness. It was announced weeks ago when the season was still ongoing, and it was still Michael and Yoichi. Ness was the perfect replacement because Ness was a decent driver, but Ness was also the perfect second driver who would drive to support Michael. Ness looks at Michael with adoration but unlike Mila’s eyes, which soften him to an extent, Ness’ eyes make Michael feel nothing but disgust.
He once said Ness belongs to a different sport and he’d never leave his mark in F1. Yoichi frowned and said he was being rude.
“But am I lying?”
Yoichi’s silence was the answer.
Yoichi was apathetic to Ness’ existence while Ness abhorred Yoichi’s existence. Yoichi had the spot that Ness wanted but Yoichi wanted the seat so he could climb to the top and Ness wanted it simply because he wanted to be of use to Michael. It once filled him with glee when he saw how Ness would bend over at every command of Michael’s. He knows if Michael asked, Ness would purposefully crash into another car to secure Michael’s win.
Well, he wouldn’t even need to ask.
Before (before the first kiss or the first competition or the first loss against Yoichi. He doesn’t know) Michael was determined that he’d be teammates with Ness because he needed someone to support him. He didn’t want the bullshit that Noa and Ego went through during their youth which cost them the winning race when Noa slammed into Ego causing both of their cars to spiral out and crash, effectively taking them out of the race. Even if Noa had told him once that he wouldn’t be the driver he was without Ego. That when Ego left, there was a time when he felt lost.
He didn’t really care about that because Michael was already the best. He didn’t need someone like whatever Ego was to Noa.
He doesn’t think Yoichi was like Ego was to Noa. But then he doesn’t know how to describe the bond between them. But Yoichi is gone, and he feels sick when he sees Ness in what is meant to be Yoichi’s uniform driving the car that was meant to be Yoichi’s. Ness doesn’t have Yoichi’s fire. He doesn’t push Michael as Yoichi did.
Soon the off-season ends and he’s in Bahrain under the glare of the sun and he’s faking smiles as he sees everyone again. Really, it’s not like they’re friends. Co-workers at best. (Except for Sae. And he thinks it’s the same for Sae because F1 is a small world and they’ve all known each other since they were young to an extent, but Michael has known Sae the longest. Sae’s first defeat was because of Michael. They’re not friends but he thinks that Sae might be the closest thing he has to a friend on track.)
He feels eyes on him from the moment he’s on track and he knows there are eyes on his car. He doesn’t care about them, but he glances at Yoichi and feels the familiar rage when he sees that awful shade of orange and Yoichi who wasn’t looking at him but laughing with Loki.
The car feels smooth and fast, and Michael can tell this is a winning car. He drives it with determination and anger. He is gloating by the end of the test drives because he’ll win and he’ll show Yoichi how he shouldn’t have left. How he should have stayed.
(He doubts Yoichi would ever regret it. Yoichi doesn’t regret things. Yoichi could lose this year, and he’d still look at Michael without regret. He’d only be determined to win next year)
(That doesn’t stop Michael from trying to prove him wrong.)
But what truly makes him smile is when he sees how awful the McLarens are doing. Especially Yoichi when his first race is the absolute worst compared to Michael winning the race. Michael is up on the podium with a crowd cheering for him while Yoichi has a car that barely functions and wasn’t that wonderful? He couldn’t even finish the race and Michael wants to laugh.
When he sees Yoichi’s stoic face pass him by on the paddock, Michael makes sure to smile when Yoichi glances at him.
The season starts off with wins after wins for Michael. The team handed him a car that would seal his third championship, inching ever so closer to Noa’s record that he’s so determined to break. The season opens with the Bahrain Grand Prix and Michael comes home first, crossing that checkered flag as the crowd roars his name. The trophy in his hand, and the crowd screams his name as Ness turns the champagne bottle towards him.
His victory tasted sweeter when he finds out Yoichi couldn’t even finish the race because the car stopped. His smile widened just a tad bit when he sees Yoichi in the paddock afterwards, his face dark and gloomy.
The season continues on with his wins. Every Grand Prix where Michael is the first to cross that line and his mechanics are there waving and roaring as they welcome him. Every podium ends with the German national anthem playing every week to the point it’s now a joke online.
But the sweetness of his victory never fades. He relishes every victory. And he relishes Yoichi’s very apparent misery as he struggles to finish his race.
In Monaco, he passes by Yoichi’s car, which is what you do when you race. But it was the fact that Yoichi was p17 during the race and Michael was p1 and he was merely passing him by when he was ahead of Yoichi by miles is what makes it funnier. Later, he sees a video of that online where people are debating whether his laugh as he sees Yoichi was cruel or not. His fans defend him, say this is nothing but friendly banter between two ex-teammates.
Michael and Yoichi always got along! You guys are just being too dramatic!
If Isagi can’t handle simple teasing then he can leave.
If this is what gets you guys then you couldn’t handle the drama back in the day. Especially Ego and Noah.
And Yoichi’s fans who call Michael asshole, rude, obnoxious, too full of himself.
In Spain, Yoichi manages to score another point thanks to the crash in front of him at the very last lap. But his score still remains in the pitiful single digits while Michael is at the top. The difference staggering. Anyone who sees them now will undoubtedly question Yoichi’s move.
Yoichi remains unmoved. Every interview, he reassures everyone he has faith in McLaren and believes the team will give him the best car possible.
“I believe I have made the right decision. We started this season with the knowledge that we won’t be where we wanted right away. Of course, it’s disappointing every weekend when I’m not getting the results that I want, but I have faith we’ll be achieving it soon.”
There are tweets and news article that are criticizing Yoichi’s move. People who jeer and revel in Yoichi’s downfall. People who say that perhaps it’s not the car but Yoichi who’s shit.
Yoichi never responds to those. He pretends he can’t see or hear them. Pretends to be unbothered as he interacts with every other driver on the grid with a smile.
But Michael has known Yoichi long enough to know his tells. To know that Yoichi is angry. He sees the anger in his eyes after every qualifying. The way he doesn’t linger after the race. The way he no longer goes out with others after and instead rushes off to another meeting.
Austrian Grand Prix brings Mila and his mother, the latter leaving her daughter in the care of a hired nanny and bodyguards while she heads off for her work. Mila runs through the paddock to Michael, her smile widening once she spots her brother, uncaring of the crowd and the dangers of falling and hurting herself. She hurls herself at Michael, who’s quick to gather her before she injures herself.
Her joy at seeing Michael is infectious and even he can’t help but genuinely smile when he hears her voice as she congratulates him for every win. She tells him how all of her classmates told her that she has an amazing brother and she told them I know!
The last statement makes those around him laugh, but Mila is unabashed.
Then she isn’t smiling as she looks away.
“Yoichi isn’t winning.”
He figures she was looking to see if she could spot him. She couldn’t. Yoichi was likely locked in another last-minute meeting. As if that would help. He wasn’t in the top 10 this starting race. He doubts the car magically improved overnight.
“Can we go see him?” She asks. “I want to tell him I don’t want him to lose anymore!”
He doubts that will help. Besides, it’s not her fault McLaren has terrible engineers.
“It’s not your fault. Everyone has a bad year.”
“You don’t.”
“That’s cause I’m the best, aren’t I?”
But she doesn’t smile. Instead, her frown deepens.
Michael sighs. “How about this? We can have dinner with him later, okay? We don’t want to distract him now so let’s not see him.”
She doesn’t look pleased, but she nods. Michael nods at her caretaker who quickly ushers her away.
“She seems to really like Yoichi,” Ness comments casually, but Michael knows that this is another place where Ness feels slighted.
He has no reason to care. Ness’ fragile ego is his own problem not Michael’s. He has more pressing worries like the fact that Sae’s Ferrari is starting behind him followed by Loki’s Mercedes.
“He’s her second favorite after me. Even if she claims that she doesn’t like him after his move.”
“I see.” Ness scowls.
“Worry about your race, not Yoichi. You’re starting p11.” Michael says sharply.
Ness quickly wipes away the scowl and nods, looking ashamed.
Yoichi is avoiding him. It’s not obvious to others, but Michael knows Yoichi. Yoichi’s only in his vicinity when there are others around them. Only speaks to him during interviews to fake a smile or a laugh.
But Yoichi never approaches him on his own.
Michael could be cruel and approach him on his own. Find his hotel room and barge in and gloat.
But why use force when Mila presented the perfect opportunity?
Yoichi looks at the table for three and glances at him. “Your mother won’t make it?”
“She has her own plans.”
He had ordered in food for the three of them to his own suite rather than head off to somewhere with Mila in tow. The city was filled with fans tonight and he doesn’t doubt people will swarm them the moment they see him and Yoichi.
Yoichi doesn’t ask and simply sits down, listening to Mila as she chatters on while carefully putting food on her plate.
At last, Mila pauses and then says, “Sorry, Yoichi. I wish McLaren did bad and now...” Her face falls, gloomy and upset.
Yoichi blinks in surprise and then laughs. “I don’t think this is your fault. You don’t need to worry. It’s just a bad year.”
“Michael said that too.”
Yoichi glances at him and he knows Yoichi is aware that unlike Mila, Michael is extremely pleased by the turn of events. He’s happy Yoichi is failing.
“Well, your brother has moments when he’s smart.” Yoichi smiles.
Michael scoffs. “Moments?”
Yoichi rolls his eyes.
The dinner passes by smoothly, silence filled by Mila’s endless stories. Yoichi hangs onto her every word, keeping an eye on her eating. Michael barely needs to look at her because Yoichi is doing all the looking. For someone who doesn’t have a little sibling, he’s a better older brother than Michael.
When Mila’s nanny arrives, Mila kisses Michael and Yoichi’s cheeks before following her out.
With Mila gone, it’s just the two of them. Alone.
There’s silence for a moment before Yoichi clears his throat. “I should go.”
“Leaving so soon?”
“Early flight tomorrow. We have a meeting as soon as I land.”
“Ah.” Michael leans back, smiling. “More meetings about your car? It was entertaining passing by you and Itoshi during Monaco.”
Yoichi’s face twists in a scowl as he remembered the last race where he was so far off behind that Michael.
“It will get better soon.”
“Is that what you tell yourself to feel better? That it will get better? That’s kind of pathetic.”
“You’re the last person who gets to call me pathetic.
Michael shrugs and stands up, walking behind the counter to pick up the bottle of wine he left for later. “Stay.”
Yoichi eyes it dubiously. “Why?”
“I won, didn’t I? Don’t I deserve a prize?”
Yoichi’s face darkens at those words. The last time Michael said that Yoichi was in third place by the end of the season with a winning car. This year he was lagging. Then, even if his words stung, Yoichi could still swallow them because in a way he was right behind Michael. It was different now.
“You’re a fucking asshole.” Yoichi spits as he snatches the glass Michael holds out.
“A toast.” Michael clinks their glass, grinning.
“To what?”
“To me, of course. Ten wins in a row. That’s a new record. I just beat Noa. Does that make you unhappy? I know he was your hero of sort.”
Yoichi scoffs. “You’re so full of yourself.”
“And of course,” he continues, ignoring Yoichi’s comment. “Ness is doing really well. Finishing in top 5 every race and almost always p2.” Michael nods. “We have a great car.”
“If you think this will make me regret moving, you’re wrong.” Yoichi takes a sip of his drink and puts it down. “You know this sport as well as I do. Every loss is a lesson.”
“If that’s what you say. I still say you should have stayed.”
“To support you like Ness?” He snorts. “No way. Rin may be annoying but we stand on the same ground. That wouldn’t be the same if I was still in Red Bull. You know that.”
In a way, he’d known that he was more important of a driver compared to Yoichi. They put more money and effort on him. That’s why Ness was chosen instead of someone else. He just thought Yoichi would stay and fight with him.
“So, you ran.”
Yoichi eyes him solemnly. “Is that what you think?”
“It’s what you’re saying. This is the result of you leaving me.”
Yoichi huffs a laugh. “Result of- of course. It’s always about you. Have you considered that I did this for myself? Have you considered that this isn’t about you but me?”
Such a common phrase when breaking up.
It’s not you. It’s me.
From what he knows, that phrase just means No, it is you. You’re the problem and I can’t do it anymore. Which is kind of ridiculous to him because why not say it as it is? Why not just say that You are the problem and I’m out.
Yoichi saying that was odd. First, Michael has always been the problem and even he was aware of that. Second, they weren’t even together so he doesn’t understand the point of it.
It’s not about you.
All that would mean is this is definitely about him.
Mila’s word of luck might have been the key because after Austria, things turn up for McLaren and Yoichi. Silverstone comes with Michael’s win once more and Itoshi Rin on the second podium. Yoichi just two places behind in p4. It’s not the podium Yoichi wants, but Michael saw his smile as he hugs the staff of McLaren. He hears it’s the start! And knows Yoichi means it.
It was certainly the start because suddenly McLaren is speeding up and keeping up with Red Bull, Ferrari and Mercedes. There’s no longer the eternal cloud of darkness over the staff of McLaren who for the past months looked haggard and dull. Now, the sun was out, and their faces brightened. There’s not many races and they know this means they won’t be anywhere near the wins this year but this was progress. Yoichi has yet to take a pole but at least he isn’t finishing back of the grid.
Until Japan.
Japan was always Yoichi’s favourite track. Every driver had their favourite and hated tracks. He knows Sae likes Monza because Sae drives for Ferrari and what Ferrari driver doesn’t feel honored on that historical track surrounded by the tifosi? He knows Yoichi likes the Suzuka because it’s home. Even Itoshi junior perks up during the Japanese Grand Prix.
Yoichi always liked to win during this weekend.
And then he was up there on the podium on Michael’s right, raising his trophy as the crowd cheers.
It’s meant to be Michael’s day. It’s his 14th win of the season. With this win he sealed Red Bull’s third consecutive championship.
But his heart stops when he sees Yoichi. His eyes sparkling once more as he turns his bottle towards Itoshi, who scowls at him, and Yoichi laughs. And Michael realizes he missed hearing Yoichi laugh. This unbridled laugh of joy that somehow makes him smile. And his heart is beating so fast, and he feels sick and elated and awful and wonderful, and everything is amplified. The world is brighter. It’s so much more.
It’s Michael’s day. He won. He’s made a record.
And Michael pops his bottle and turns it towards Yoichi, whose eyes widen as he sees Michael grin at him.
Yoichi stands in front of his door dressed in a pair of black sweatpants and hoodie. He looks at Michael and asks, “Want to go out?”
Michael closes the door behind him.
They go to Yoichi’s house. Which is news to him because he didn’t know Yoichi had a house in Japan. He knew his parents did, and that during his visits he lived with his parents, but apparently, he bought one.
“I didn’t know you had a house.” Michael comments as he looks around.
The place is cozy. Small. Exactly what Yoichi would have wanted. The walls are painted pale yellow and lined with photos of his family. There are potted plants on his shelves are green and thriving meaning that someone comes in to look after them when Yoichi isn’t here. There are dishes in the sink meaning that Yoichi was likely here this morning.
Yoichi shrugs. “How much do we really know about each other beyond racing?”
That stumps him.
Yoichi snorts as he walks to his kitchen. He seems to expect Michael’s silence and takes it as him agreeing with Yoichi. When Michael thinks otherwise.
You know everything that matters.
Yoichi knows what makes him tick on track. He knows Michael’s habits as a racer and to many others the Michael on track is a part of him. But to Michael the truest part of him is the one who’s on the track.
Didn’t that mean Yoichi really knows him?
But can he say the same? What does he know about Yoichi beyond racing? Beyond the fact that he likes tea? And that he likes to sleep on the left side of the bed, or the side that is facing the window? And that he has a sweet tooth and if it weren’t for the restrictions imposed on them Yoichi would be eating sweets every day?
“I suppose we don’t know much about each other.” He says.
He watches as Yoichi opens up a few boxes from his fridge.
“My mother came in and cooked. It’s just rice and curry. Hand me the plates, will you? There’s a game I want to watch so we can just eat on the couch.”
Michael mutely grabs the plates and hands them over, watching as Yoichi scoops up the rice and curry. He hands Michael’s plate back to him and gestures him to follow. There’s a large TV in the living room and Yoichi picks up the remote and switches it on, flipping through the channel until it lands on one and he puts it down.
It’s a football match.
“You brought me here to watch a football match.”
“I brought you here for food. The match is what I want to watch. You can either ignore it or go to the table and eat by yourself. There’s also the option of you going back. I can call a taxi for you.”
Michael grumbles and Yoichi ignores him. They eat in silence, the noise of the game filling up the place. Occasionally, Yoichi would groan or mutter something. The game was in Japan. Probably a league game. He didn’t know much about football to understand what was going on, but Yoichi looked excited. It’s the most animated he’s seen Yoichi off track.
“Didn’t know you liked football.” He comments.
“I played it for a while when I was a kid. Like five or six, I think. Back in elementary school. I even wanted to be a football player.” Yoichi laughs. “Imagine that?”
He doesn’t want to imagine that. But his mind conjures up the horrible picture anyway. Yoichi wouldn’t just be absent from Red Bull but his life. Two parallel lines never to intersect. Yoichi would be here in Japan, probably playing for the team on screen. Possibly the only time he’d see Yoichi is he ever made it to the World Cup and even then, Michael doesn’t care about football to watch it religiously. He’d probably see clips of the replay match on some screen, and he’d glance in passing. He’d probably see some tweets or posts online and scroll past it.
A life where Isagi Yoichi was a football player and never in Michael Kaiser’s life.
“Why didn’t you then?”
“I saw Noa.” He answers. “Years ago, during the Japanese Grand Prix. A friend of my father’s gave the tickets to him because he had to go out of town for a family emergency. I saw Noel drive and well… that was it. Told my dad I want to be in Formula One and be like Noel.”
Yoichi turns to Michael and smiles. “I suppose you have another reason to hate Noel now?”
He really hates Noel. He really does.
“Of course, I do.” He says, rolling his eyes. “The man really ruins everything for me.”
Yoichi laughs. “If you say so.”
Yoichi doesn’t say it, but Michael knows he’s thinking that Michael is lying.
Here’s the thing: Michael is lying.
This is probably the only time in his life he’s ever thankful for Noa’s existence.
“Stay.” Yoichi says when he spots Michael trying to find a taxi.
“Why?”
“You won, didn’t you? Don’t you want a prize?”
It’s hard to say no to that.
There are countless mornings when he woke up to Yoichi sleeping by his side. Every single one of those mornings were hotel rooms and usually they were woken up by their alarms or someone knocking on their door. It was followed by both of them hastily picking up their clothes and Yoichi grumbling about how much of a spoiled brat Michael was.
This morning, there’s no hurry. There’s two weeks till the next race. Michael has nothing lined up until then because he really dislikes having to concern himself with anything beyond racing during the season. He delayed his flight—not hard to do given that Red Bull had given him access to their private jet—and now he has all the time in the world to sleep in. A luxury.
But he was awake. He was awake and looked to his side where Yoichi lay asleep, mouth slightly agape as he snored (which Yoichi would vehemently deny he ever did), hair sprawled on the pillow, looking so peaceful. He so rarely got to look at Yoichi in the quiet of hours of the day like this. Their mornings were so rushed. Practice. Qualifying. Race. Interviews. Meetings.
So rarely did he have moments where he saw Yoichi completely disarmed and peaceful. Even after sex, Yoichi still had the energy to hiss and spit if Michael said something that annoyed him, which he often did.
But here, it was quiet. It was quiet and perfect.
Yoichi was in a peaceful slumber and Michael wanted to wake him up. He wanted to wake him up because how dare Yoichi sleep so peacefully when Michael felt anything but? When he felt this overwhelming urge of something he can’t describe when he sees Yoichi sleep beside him?
He wants to wake him up and demand answers. Answers to what? He didn’t know himself. It wasn’t the first time they had sex. He lost count of it really. It wasn’t even the first time they kissed. He remembers their first kiss. He relives every moment of it whenever he thinks about Yoichi.
But whatever they had never progressed beyond it because they never allowed it. Their meetings were angry and vengeful, a result of Michael’s wins and Yoichi’s losses resulting in Yoichi venting his frustration.
It was never soft. Never with Yoichi looking at Michael’s face like he did last night, when he cradled his face, smiling as he presses their lips together. When he stays breathes against his lips, I really did miss you huh? And Michael wanted to push him away and pull him closer at the same time.
He could have said I was right here all this time. You can’t miss me.
But he chokes on the words and pulls Yoichi down and kisses him. Kisses him again and again so he can’t speak another word.
And now Michael looks at Yoichi sleeping and he feels overwhelmed.
He stares at Yoichi as the sunlight filters in through the curtain windows. As Yoichi furrows then slowly blinks and yawns. As Yoichi’s eyes finds his and he smiles.
And Michael.
Michael reaches out.
When Mila was still a baby and her father would come to take her for his time, his mother would stand by the window, holding a glass of red wine as she watched her daughter drive away. She’d stay there watching as the car carrying Mila would drive past the dark iron gates and down the winding path until she couldn’t see them.
It was the only time he saw his mother genuinely sad. His mother, the ever wonderful and accomplished actress, knew how to fake her sadness. And Michael, her son, knew when she was faking it.
But during those days, his mother would linger there for a moment longer as if she wanted to delay the inevitable.
(During times like these, Michael’s resentment towards his sister bubbled to the surface. When he saw his mother’s sorrow at letting her daughter go be with a man who was a caring and good father. Who loved his daughter and would never slap her so hard her ears would ring for days after just because she came in second in a race.)
Then he wondered why his mother didn’t stay with Mila’s father?
He asked her one morning when she stood by the window and watched the black car drive away again.
“Why didn’t you stay with him?”
(He never asked why she didn’t stay with his father. Michael figures if his father acted the way he did with Michael, his mother would have left. Anyone would. He was controlling. Obsessive. Michael existed in his father’s life to fulfill his father’s dreams of reaching the stage he never could. Now he rots in some corner of the world and Michael hopes he’s still living so he can see Michael achieve that stage and know he can never have that.)
She was silent, reluctant to look at him. “I suppose I was scared.”
The car turns around the car and vanishes out of sight.
He wonders if this fear stems from his father.
Yoichi does not approach him after that night. He lets Michael go as if nothing had changed.
Things had changed because Yoichi no longer looked away when Michael stared at him. Yoichi looks at him, and Michael averts his gaze. When the drivers are huddled together and laughing sharing something cameras are rolling and people are recording them for social media, Yoichi is beside him, his arm brushing against Michael’s, so close to reach out and hold, but they never did.
Sometimes, he thinks he dreamt that night with Yoichi. He made up that dinner on his couch, the kiss afterward, waking up in his bed with Yoichi, in his head and now he was suffering for it. This was no different than before because Yoichi didn’t look at him this whole season. Even when he did it was a disgruntled look because he was suffering, and Michael was winning. And Michael taunted him with smirks and subtle jibes.
But now there were no smirks or taunts. Not when Yoichi was performing consistently better every weekend scoring more podiums along with Itoshi Rin. Somehow, their car miraculously did get better and they were scoring more points and were about to beat Aston Martin to become the 4th ranking team for this season. He can’t make fun of Yoichi now.
But the thing was he didn’t want to mock him. He didn’t know what he want. Every time he thought of Yoichi now, he remembers I really did miss you and he’d falter. He’d remember the morning and Yoichi’s smile. And he’d stumble and lose his bearings.
He wanted to find Yoichi and demand what do you want but he couldn’t.
He’d remember his mother, standing by the window, tracing the dark car as she told Michael I was scared.
He sees it before he hears it. Not that he thinks he could hear it anyway given his roaring engine and the constant instructions through his headphones. But he sees it out of the corner of his eyes.
The pileup. The smoke.
Then comes the red flag. Red flag.
And behind Michael is a Ferrari.
There should have been a McLaren instead.
“Who is it?” He demands.
He tries to tell himself that it’s the courteous thing to do. Because he may not care about the other racers but they’re all coworkers he has known since he was a child and he doesn’t want them to die a brutal death on the track. It’s a reminder that safety may have increased but this is a dangerous sport and every day they all court death.
But there’s only one thing on his mind now.
There was a McLaren behind him.
“It’s a McLaren that collided. Uhh… both Haas is out and-“
“Which McLaren?”
He tightens his hand. He’s not worried. He doesn’t care.
And he thinks then that he hasn’t spoken to Yoichi since that night. Not properly. And he thinks of the dinners he missed with Yoichi. And the mornings he missed when he could have woken up by his side. And that he was the idiot here because Yoichi already approached him and it was now his turn but Michael kept him waiting and now there was a chance that he’d never-
“It’s Yoichi.”
And Michael can’t breathe.
They tell him he’s out. That he’s about to be taken to the hospital and he’s safe. And he looks fine. And he knows they’re not lying to console him because these people care for Yoichi. They worked with him and Yoichi was the better person between him and Michael and they care more for him than they ever will for Michael even now when Yoichi is gone.
But there’s relief in their eyes and tears as some sob in relief.
Michael almost turns and runs to where Yoichi is but they inform him the race starts soon and they’re pulling him. He wants to snap that the race can wait because he needs to see Yoichi. He needs to see him and hold him and tell him I’m sorry but everyone around him is already moving and prepping for the race. Ness waits for him, looking at him with resentment and contempt as if he knows what Michael is thinking.
He wants to go but.
He turns to head to his car.
Yoichi’s back in his hotel room by the time the race is done. Michael didn’t even bother with removing his clothes before he makes his way to Yoichi’s room.
(“Ask your brother Yoichi’s room number.”
“Have you lost your mind?”
“Just… please.”
“No.”)
(He ends up calling Noa, who calls Ego, who then relays the number back to Michael.)
When Yoichi opens the door, Michael feels as if he can finally breathe. He’d been informed that Yoichi walked away with little to no injuries. A miracle given that his car turned over and crashed into the damn wall along with several others. But Yoichi walked out unscathed.
“Kaiser.” Yoichi blinks in surprise. “What-”
There’s many things he could say. If he was nice he’d say I’m glad you’re safe. Or I’m happy that you’re okay. Or-
If he wants to continue being the asshole that he is then he could taunt him can’t even drive properly or something along the lines.
But instead he thinks of the last time it ws just them and he says,
“You’re wrong.”
Yoichi blinks. “What?”
“You told me we barely know each other. You’re wrong. You know me. You’ve always known me.”
Yoichi just stares at him in stupefied silence. Then, he starts laughing.
He leans against the door, shaking as he laughs.
“You,” he breathes. “Came all the way up here just to tell me this?”
And he should laugh and join and make light of the situation. He wants to caress Yoichi’s cheeks and kiss him softly. He wants to ask how badly he was hurt.
But he thinks about a year ago when he woke up to the text from Loki and the subsequent texts from strangers. He thinks of Yoichi’s bitterness and his own bitterness and anger. He thinks of almost a year of fighting and anger that festered and turned whatever they had ugly until that night in Japan.
And he asks.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”
Yoichi doesn’t laugh. He looks at Michael, his eyes soft and sad, and sighs. He pulls back and opens the door, “come in.”
He walks in.
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know how to tell you. Bachira told me I should just get it done with. But I kept on delaying it. I just…” He huffs. “I suppose you and I aren’t that good at talking to each other, are we?”
They really weren’t. They were terrible at it. Yoichi’s well of patience seems to run dry around him.
“I didn’t know how to tell you. That’s it. I felt like you’d stop me.”
He would. He would try to stop him.
Yoichi sighs as he sits on the bed. “I want to leave a mark on this sport, Michael. McLaren promised me that and Red Bull didn’t. You,” He glances at Michael. “Are not Red Bull. Me leaving the team isn’t me leaving you. You took it like that and I just… I guess I was just too angry.”
“And stupid, vv ” Michael interjects.
Yoichi shoots him a glare. “You’re the last person who gets to call me stupid.”
Fair.
“I want to win, Michael. I want to keep winning. I want more podiums. I want to win Championships like you. I want to be someone here. Not just a random racer who helped Michael Kaiser in his career. But I want you.” Yoichi’s fists clench. “Sometimes, the lines between wanting you and a trophy blurs. I don’t know which one I want more. I want you just as bad as I want to win. I can never stop wanting both. But I won’t give up on winning for you. And neither… do I want to give up on you. So tell me what do we do from here?”
There was silence.
“I wanted to go find you when the race paused. When I heard it was you. Even when they were calling me, I wanted to quit the race and find you.”
Yoichi swallows. “That would be stupid. I would be so angry with you.” His voice comes out rough and uneven.
“I know.”
But it shows that Michael is like him. That he wants to win and he wants Yoichi. That at times things blur for him too.
Yoichi smiles. “I’m fine, in case you’re wondering.”
He kneels in front of him. “How did it happen?”
He rolled his eyes, annoyed. “Turn one. One of the Aston Martins crashed into me and then my car flipped. And caused more problems behind. Pissed me off. It was a good start.”
“It was.” Michael laughed. He can laugh now. Now he doesn’t feel like he’ll throw up and keel over. Now he doesn’t feel like he is going to die. “Sucks for you. Another win for me.”
Yoichi rolls his eyes again. “We’ll see next season.”
Next season when Yoichi is still with McLaren and Michael is with Red Bull and they’ll continue competing again. And they’ll fight.
But. There’s so much more.
Because there will be dinners on the couch watching football matches that Yoichi will try and explain to him and Michael won’t care. There will be mornings when Michael will definitely wake up first and stare at Yoichi by his side. And there will be breakfasts together. And the whole day after. There are cities around the world that they’ll see hand in hand.
And it honestly terrifies him. And he thinks now, for the first time in his life, he understands his mother in a way and why she let Mila’s dad go. And it would certainly be easier to turn away.
But life before Yoichi was so bleak and he can’t have another day like today.
“Let’s go out.” He says.
Yoichi laughs. “Okay.”