2022 Formula One Championship, Round 17: Singapore Grand Prix

“We wanted to inform you before you hear it secondhand.”

Rin wants to snarl. Should he thank them? Bow down and grovel at their feet for informing him before the bloodsucking news outlets surround him and hound him about this new information? 

Beside him, he feels Anri shift.

Rin scowls as he stands, quickly moving towards the door. Behind him, Anri stays to smooth things over as she has done for years now whenever Rin’s temper gets the better of him. Which if he were to be honest, always gets the better of him. He’d be lying if he said he’s tried to temper his rage over the years. It’s more that he’s let himself increasingly lose over the years. Especially when this was his second season and he was still underperforming.

Today, it is not him starting p8 or not getting the podium or watching his brother snag another podium or another news outlet comparing him with Sae that pisses him off. No, it’s the news. It’s the news. 

He knew he’d be getting a new co-driver. Snuffy was retiring this season and Mclaren needed a new driver. Their cars were getting better and if this kept up then next season it’s highly likely that they’ll finally get another constructor’s championship and Rin gets a better chance on that podium at Abu Dhabi. 

Except now… now he has more to deal with than Snuffy. Snuffy he could handle because old age made him nice and weak . He’s no longer as competitive as he once was which makes it all the more easier for the team to prioritise Rin over him. 

Now.

It’s for the team’s best interest if we have two competitive drivers. Not one. We assure you that we will treat you no less than we do now .

He didn’t want to be treated like he was now. He wanted to be treated better. Maybe if his performance was better this season they wouldn’t have done this.

His phone buzzes.

He glances and frowns when he sees the incoming message from Loki.

Congratulations, I suppose.

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/

2022/oct/03/formula-ones…

When he clicks on the link it takes everything in him to not throw his phone at the wall. It seems his team graced him with the news mere minutes before the world finds out.

Isagi Yoichi’s smiling face greets him on the front cover of the news article under the bold headline.

Formula One’s most wanted man Isagi Yoichi signs with McLaren for 2023

The racing world was a small one despite the fact that it took place in almost every corner of the world. There were only 20 F1 drivers with 10 teams which means the age range goes from people nearing their 40s to people just starting their 20s. It means that somehow these 20 people selected were almost the best drivers after years of karting and competing to stand at what many would agree to be the pinnacle of motorsports. 

Because of this, you know almost everyone when you start racing. The people you kart with are the same ones that you continue to compete with as you grow then as you enter into an academy and then when you go to F3 then F2 and, if you’re good and lucky enough (and Rin would always argue that there is always luck involved), then you make it to F1.

All this being said, Rin knew Isagi Yoichi before he became who he is today. If he closes his eyes, he can still picture the scrawny boy who shuffled onto the tracks with his shiny blue kart, blushing red and gawking as he looked around, his hands clutching his mother’s tight. Isagi was older but Rin was more experienced. Being Sae’s brother meant he was exposed to this world before Isagi was. It meant he had more determination than Isagi because Rin wanted to follow in his brother’s footsteps to be the best. It meant he didn’t want to lose a single race just like his brother never did.

And he didn’t lose on that day either. 

But he came close to it.

Too close .

Isagi Yoichi was shy and quiet off track.

Once the race started, he was a monster. 

Even Rin, who only ever lost to Sae before that, had to grit his teeth in his little kart to keep up because it was hard. It was so hard and Isagi was right on his heels.

In the end, he won by mere two seconds.

Isagi Yoichi was smiling.

And Rin… Rin was angry.

2022 Formula One Championship, Round 22: Abu Dhabi

The last race of this season was bitter. 

He wanted this season to be better. This was his third year in F1. Underperforming as a rookie was excusable. Underperforming at this stage was not. Especially when his brother was on the podium in third by second year. Almost a record if it weren’t for Kaiser who won his first Championship in his second year. People expected better from Rin.

He expected better from himself.

Instead here he was, standing at p6 by the end of it all, eclipsed by his brother’s winnings once more as his brother almost wins his second championship only to be thwarted by Michael Kaiser once again.

On the podium, he watches his brother get sprayed by Kaiser who laughs, while his brother gives the other man an irritated scowl but does nothing to move away. On the other podium stands Nagi, yawning as he looks ever so bored and tired. There are loud cheers and fireworks. He hears people’s laughter but Rin registers none of it. He can only take in his brother, who seems to finally tire of Kaiser’s relentless attack and wrestles the bottle away from him to chug it.

Rin walks away from that.

No one bothers him as he storms off to change. He’s pretty sure the others in the pit can see the dark look on his face and swerve so as to not incur his wrath. Beyond the pit and out to the public, the relationship between Itoshi Sae and Itoshi Rin was amicable. It was good because the PR of both teams did an excellent job with that.

In the real world, everyone knew that the brothers did not get along. Sae did not bother to look after Rin or ask about him. Rin pursued his brother viciously to pull him down from his throne. Everyone knew if there was one driver who’d be unhappy with the results, it was Itoshi Rin.

Of course, some people lacked tact.

“Rin.” 

He takes a deep breath. Remembers Anri’s words of warning.

You can’t afford to act out in public. Don’t forget that.

Turns.

Isagi stands behind him, dressed in that awful blue and red for the last time. Last time because next year he’ll be in orange like Rin. 

“Nice driving.” Isagi smiles.

Rin thinks he might as well ignore Anri’s advice and kill Isagi here. Career be damned.

“Can’t say the same to you.” He snarls. 

Isagi shrugs. “Did the best I could with what I had.” 

He did more than that. Isagi may not be up on the podium tonight but his rank for this season is above Rin despite the fact that he’s on the team with Kaiser.

“I will be better next year. The people at Mclaren made great promises.”

Rin clenches his fists at that. Anri had hesitated as she informed him there was no surety on who will be the first driver next season. Isagi’s contract isn’t one for a supporting driver meant to aid Rin to win his championship. There was no way Ego would ever allow his Isagi to be relegated to the position of a second driver. This means that they were free to compete against each other.

Just what he needed.

He’s been competing against Isagi since they were children. He has more wins than losses.

Yet.

Yet .

“I will kill you.”

“Oh shut up you wannabe villain.” Isagi grins. “I’ll see you later.”

Rin thinks back to the day he had his falling out with his brother. The thing with Formula1 was that it was as much a rivalry between the same team driver as it was working together to win the Constructors Championship. The former was glory for yourself and the latter was for the team. It was the pinnacle of a driver’s career to bring both the trophies home together like Noel Noa had done with a record number of six times in a row. However, the driver’s still preferred the former. The World Drivers’ Championship is the title of the best.

Sae wanted, no, needed to be the best.

It was all his brother ever wanted since they were children and their father bought Sae his first kart. 

Rin believed his brother would be the best. As a child he could picture it ever so clearly. His brother on that podium holding up a trophy, a cheering crowd shouting his name, and Rin just a step below him on the second podium as he was meant to be. His brother would be the best and Rin the second best. Together they’d make their team the best.

Until the night when his brother challenged him to race him.

Rin lost.

Of course, he lost. He had never won against his brother.

His brother had looked so cold that night.

As I thought, you have no drive to win, Rin. You’re happy to be in second place. Such a person shouldn’t be driving in F1. It’s a waste of space. You should leave.

His brother had walked off the track leaving Rin behind on that cold winter night, not once looking back.

Next morning, he finds out his brother signed with Mercedes in their upcoming season.

Rin had smashed every photo of theirs together.

2023 Formula One Championship, Round 1: Bahrain

His mother hugs him before he walks towards his car.

“Be safe.” She whispers, her eyes shining with worry.

Rin nods.

His father was on the other side of the paddock with his brother. 

They rarely make it to races but they try to make it to the first and last one of the season along with the one in Japan. 

Despite their support, Rin knew neither of his parents were pleased by the professional choices their sons made. Even though his parents liked the sport, they never forgot the dangers of it. The world of motorsports is a deadly one which has claimed the lives of many drivers. The last thing his parents wanted was to see either of their children die in front of their eyes.

But Rin and Sae chose this. There was never going to be another option for them. Perhaps if his father hadn’t taken them to that one race. Perhaps if Sae never got that kart. Perhaps if Rin never won his first race.

He could speculate all he wanted but the truth was this: Itoshi Rin was a Formula One racer. He will remain a Formula One racer until the very end. One would need to pry him away from this sport. One might never be able to do that. Not until he defeats Sae and stands on that podium above him winning the Driver’s Championship.

Perhaps not even after that. 

The garage is busy as everyone moves around for last minute checks. Nanase is by his side, repeating their tactics for the last time when he spots whispering with his own race engineer. 

Rin starts at P4 today and Isagi at P6. Isagi isn’t his goal for this race. Sae is who starts at P2. 

But that doesn’t mean Rin is forgetting the fact that Isagi exists and he’s right behind him. And should he stumble, Isagi won’t hesitate to take his place on the grid.

He clenches his fist tightly.

Nanase continues to murmur something and he barely pays attention to it. They reminded him before that they would not prioritise Isagi over him.

But they also never promised to put him over Isagi. Each race would have the team debating who they’d prioritise.

That’s perfectly fine with Rin. He’d show on the track why he was the better racer for the team to place their faith on. 

Then, he’s inside the car.

Then, he’s on the track.

Then, the lights go off.

His life has always been more tied to Isagi than any other driver on the grid. They walked the same path. While his brother had flown off to Europe, Rin was still in Japan racing Isagi. They battled through Karting races in Japan to the International stages before making it to Junior Formulae. While Isagi was picked up by Red Bull, Rin was picked up by the McLaren Young Driver programme. They’re still battling it out on tracks but they’re not alone. Sae is there. 

So is Michael Kaiser.

For the first time, Isagi’s eyes aren’t solely on him. His eyes turn to Michael Kaiser, fellow Red Bull junior programme driver who Isagi battles for a seat in Formula One because the seats are limited and no matter however much one tries to deny it, the drivers knew luck played a factor in who would make it and who wouldn’t.

For the first time, Isagi wasn’t only challenging Rin. He wasn’t only looking at Rin.

And Rin would deny the bitterness he felt whenever he saw how Isagi would glance away to look at someone who wasn’t Rin.

2023 Formula One Championship, Round 4: Japan

The Japanese Grand Prix was special to him. Sae might have forgone his ties to his home ground, claiming the Italian tracks more his own in honour of the Ferrari he drives, but Japan was home to Rin. 

Every Grand Prix in Japan makes Rin a tad bit happier.

This year was supposed to be the same, especially now when he knew McLaren gave him a car capable of winning . During the pre-season testing Rin drove the car and he knew this was his year. This was the year that Rin would show the world that he was more than just Itoshi Sae’s little brother.

Except nothing was going his way. 

In Bahrain, he was the one who was ahead and Isagi was behind. 

Then, Isagi comes out before him. At the end, Isagi was P4 while Rin was P7 after a mild collision with another car. The team celebrates this win with cheers and champagne even though there was no podium because last season they started with an early retirement from Rin and p14 from Snuffy in the first race while in this season Isagi is just mere seconds behind Loki for the podium. Just a second faster and it would be Isagi on the podium and not Loki. They cheer Isagi’s name in the paddock and Isagi grins at them, thanking them by name (something Rin could never do). They all cheered how this was finally their year. The McLaren would compete to win the titles after 25 years since their last win. All because of Isagi not Rin.

Japan was home. It was an opportunity because the crowds here wanted him to win. (And Isagi.) Japan was his chance to show the world that while he may not have performed as well in the past few races, he’s still Itoshi Rin.

It’s bright and sunny on qualifying when Rin outpaces Isagi and is up in P2 for the race. There’s claps on his back and Nanase is smiling as they prepare for the next day when Rin is sure to snag a win.

Then it’s Sunday and it’s raining. Rin is trained enough to drive flawlessly in the rain but Isagu is better in the rain. He has been since they were children and he beat Rin for the first time on a rainy afternoon. Rin still remembers the bitterness of that defeat.

Then the race starts and things are going perfectly until it’s Sae’s Ferrari behind him, pushing and trying to squeeze past him and Rin refuses to let him go. Sae continues to press until their cars touch and it’s Rin who veers off the track while Sae’s car barely stutters as he moves past. Rin falls back as other cars drive past him and he needs another three laps before he’s in P4 instead of P7. By the end, Rin just shy of the podium while Isagi is on the podium. The podium that was meant to be his. Isagi is welcomed by the crowd of McLaren engineers who cheer for their first podium of the season and Isagi laughs as Kaiser showers him with Champagne, a rare moment when Isagi isn’t spewing vile at Kaiser. But what was worse was when Sae, his awful brother, ducks and smiles as Isagi turns his bottle towards Sae. Sae smiles as he counters with his own attack on Isagi, something he has never done with Rin. They’ve shared a few podiums before but Sae has never congratulated Rin for his wins. Never smiled at Rin like that.

He feels like he could choke on his anger. Feels that he could kill Isagi Yoichi with just his glare because somehow he always has everything Rin wanted.

The thing about Isagi Yoichi was that he was better than Rin, which further increased Rin’s hatred of him. Isagi was kind when Rin was not. Isagi was friendly and Rin was not. Half– to be fair, more than half– the grid hated Rin while everyone– except Kaiser– loved Isagi. (But Kaiser never really liked anyone. The only one he could tolerate was Sae.) Looking at Isagi was like seeing everything he lacked. Everything he could never have.

Before it used to be things that didn’t matter. Being liked didn’t matter. Having friends didn’t matter.

But this mattered. The podiums. The points. The expectations of the team. This mattered.

And he didn’t want to lose here.

2023 Formula One Championship, Round 7: Miami

Miami brings home Rin’s first win of the season. He’s up there on the highest podium with the trophy in hand and he feels vindicated because Isagi might have snagged an extra podium or two this season but he’s yet to get his first win of the race that Rin has won. He’s pleased enough that he doesn’t even glare at Kaiser– who’s won his sixth podium of the season– and dowses Rin with Champagne. The team is looking at him with hope once more and they all declare that they’re going to celebrate the win tonight. 

Everyone is excited except for Isagi who smiles apologetically.

“Sorry.” He says. “I have a dinner appointment. Mila’s here and she wants to see me.”

He doesn’t need to clarify that. Everyone on the grid knew of Kaiser’s younger half sister who occasionally dropped by to watch their races. Despite having a prolific actress for a mother and an incredibly successful brother, the little girl was rarely photographed in public. Especially when she was visiting for races. Rin didn’t personally see it but he’s heard of how terrifyingly protective Kaiser can be of his sister. 

He also knows how fond she is of Isagi. Often times, when she’s not with her brother, she’s spotted holding Isagi’s hand as she walks around the paddock. 

Of course, Isagi would rather go see her than celebrate Rin’s win.

Isagi then looks at Rin and Rin hates how there’s no anger in Isagi’s eyes at Rin’s first win. The win that Isagi tried so hard to achieve but has yet to achieve.

“Congratulations, Rin.” He smiles. “I’ll try to make it but if not well… we have your next win to celebrate.”

Rin hates how Isagi sounds so sure that Rin will win once more.

Rin is the first to make it back to the rooms. Everyone is still at the bar drinking and dancing and there’s only so much of that he could tolerate before the excitement of the win wears off and he’s exhausted. 

He’s near his room when he spots Isagi. Except he wasn’t alone. No, Isagi was with Kaiser who was leaning down and crowding Isagi against the door, smirking as he whispered something. Rin pauses and stares at them. He waits. Waits for Isagi to push Kaiser away as he always did whenever they’re arguing and Kaiser gets a bit too close and Isagi snaps and pushes him away.

This time, Isagi rolls his eyes and pulls the key out.

The door opens and Isagi walks in.

And he pulls Michael Kaiser in.

There’s a side of Isagi that only Kaiser ever gets to see. Isagi is nice. He’s nice to everyone, even to Rin who’s been his rival since they were children.

Yet, Isagi’s anger and hatred has only ever been reserved for Michael Kaiser. The poisonous words that Isagi rarely ever utters outside the tracks seems to be reserved for Kaiser. 

Isagi’s eyes have been on Kaiser since the day he joined Red Bull. Isagi competed with Kaiser throughout their days in Red Bull. And he knows that his choice to leave Red Bull was because they’d never pick him over Kaiser. Isagi’s career in Formula One has been tied with Michael Kaiser.

So what he saw shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s not a big deal. 

Yet, he feels utterly sick.

He feels nauseous even though he’s only had one shot. 

And then there’s the oh so familiar anger he feels when he loses. Only he didn’t lose anything. Tonight was his first win of the season. It was his victory.

And still he felt like he lost .

2023 Formula One Championship, Round 10: Spain

“Okay what the fuck is wrong with you?” Isagi scowls as he barges into Rin’s room.

Rin can barely muster up anger after the awful performance tonight. Or, if he were to be honest, his last few races.

“Get out of here, Isagi.” He spits out.

“No.” Isagi hisses. “I’ve never had issues with our rivalry, Rin. We’ve had our fair share of races. Fair share of pettiness but this… you cost us both the fucking race! ”

The moment when Rin slammed into Isagi’s car and caused them both to spin off the track into the wall. Rin’s back wheels popped off and Isagi’s side crushed. There was no coming back from this and they all knew it. They both had a good start and were halfway through the race right at the front until Rin. And Rin knew it was his fault. But he’d rather slam his car into the walls another thousand times than ever admit it.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Isagi huffs. “This isn’t like you.”

The worst part of this is he knows Isagi was right because crashing his car and letting whatever it was bother him like this wasn’t like Rin. Rin was calm. He was level headed. He thought things through.

He didn’t let things like that bother him.

But he didn’t want to listen to all of these. Not from Isagi. Especially not today when he let that win slip by and the ones on the podium today were his brother and Kaiser.

Kaiser.

The name made him nauseous.

“It’s not like it’s a loss for you.” He hisses looking up. “Shouldn’t you be glad your boyfriend won?”

Isagi frowns. “What the hell are you talking about? What boyfriend?” Then a moment later, “Kaiser? You think Kaiser is my boyfriend?” He almost shouts.

“There’s no need to pretend. I saw you.” He sneers, anger rising as he remembers. Kaiser’s smirk. Isagi pulling him in. It sickens him.

“Saw us?” He repeats. “What do you even-”

“Miami.” He spits out.

“Oh.” Isagi blinks, then frowns. “Kaiser isn’t my- That’s not the point. Why does this even matter?”

“It doesn’t!”

It does. It’s been bothering him since that night. It had him think back to every little moment between Kaiser and Isagi over the years. When did they start dating? Before they joined Red Bull senior or after? How long? 

Why Michael Kaiser?

Isagi frowns and stares at him. His eyes peer into Rin’s as if he’s trying to delve inside him. Rin looks away first.

Then he snorts. “No way.”

“What.”

“You.” Isagi says gleefully. When Rin looked up to glare at him, Isagi was grinning.

Then Isagi kneels down, his face levelled with his as he grins (arrogantly, might he add) and leans closer. Rin tries to not flinch away as his heart beats faster. He’s so close that Rin can see the exact blue of his eyes. It shines so bright as if there are stars in them.

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” Isagi muses. “You’re jealous of Kaiser.”

“Ridiculous.” He chokes out. “I would never be jealous of that asshole. Not when I'm a better racer than him.”

“Debatable.” Isagi shrugs. “But that’s not why. You’re jealous because you want me . Isn’t that right?”

He opens his mouth and stops. He wants to argue. He wants to deny and scream . He wants to push Isagi away, out, anything to get him away.

But the closer Isagi is, he finds himself unable to speak. He feels his heart pound and he doesn't know what he wants.

Then, Isagi raises his hand and touches his cheek and Rin’s breath stops. 

Then, his mouth was on Rin’s and it was soft as Isagi cups his face. It took a moment for him to understand that Isagi was holding him and kissing him. And Rin wanted to push him off and scream. Rin raised his arms and wrapped them around Isagi as he pulled him closer. 

Isagi pulls away.

Before Rin could say anything. Isagi pushes him as he swings his leg over Rin’s and leans down once more. He’s not soft this time as he presses down against Rin. He runs his lips over Rin’s teasingly and bites gently. Rin runs his hands up Isagi’s back, shoulder and his hair and grips hard. Isagi gasps and Rin tastes him. 

He tastes like victory .

“I’m not dating Kaiser.” Isagi tells him after.

After they've moved to Rin’s bed and their clothes are strewn all over his room. After the kiss. After the moments when Isagi whispered his name in Rin’s ear and his laughter filled Rin’s room and almost made him want to laugh. When he pushed Rin down and looked down at him with those star-filled eyes and wonder and joy and want .

After all of that, he turns to Rin to say that.

For a moment Rin is confused until he remembers.

Then he feels bile rise up.

“What?”

Isagi looks at him with a small smile. “In case you’re wondering. I’m not with Kaiser. It’s just… an easy thing.”

“An easy thing.” He echoes.

Isagi rolls his eyes. “Kaiser makes it a point to annoy me after his wins. That’s it. I’d rather run myself over with a car than date him .”

Oh.

Oh .

The relief is nerve wracking. He hates it.

“I see.”

Isagi smirks. “Anyway it’s not like I plan to see him like that again.”

Rin’s heart jumps. “Why?”

“I don’t plan to let him win anymore races.” Isagi states and then he rises once more, pulling himself over Rin. “The next race has my name written on it.”

Rin scoffs. He wants to laugh. He wants to throw his head back and laugh . “You wish.”

Isagi’s smile rivals the sun.

2023 Formula One Championship, Round 13: Hungary

Rin slams Isagi down on his bed and kisses him hard. Isagi giggles against his lips. 

“My win!” Isagi gloats.

Rin shuts him up with another harsh kiss. Isagi laughs once more and Rin bites his lips. Isagi tugs at his shirt and Rin pulls away for a moment to rip it off. He shudders when Isagi touches his bare skin and stops momentarily. Isagi gazes up at him, his eyes darkening and Rin wants to devour him. 

He is so angry at his loss today. It was the last three laps and Rin could almost taste his victory until Isagi’s divebomb, stealing the lead. Rin tried but he couldn’t get to the front.

It was Isagi’s win and his loss.

Yet.

Yet .

“You don’t want to celebrate your win with Kaiser?” He spits out, hating the words. He wants to take them back. Swallow them so he never says it. He doesn’t want to let Isagi go . 

Isagi smirks up at him. “Why? You want me to go to him? I can call him right now if you want?”

Rin snaps and kisses him again, biting his lips and drawing blood. Isagi laughs at that and grips his shoulder hard, digging his nails into Rin’s skin, sure to leave marks. Rin feels vindicated by that.

Yes, let them both draw blood. Let them rip into each other and hurt and mark the other. Let them rip into each other and crawl and burrow inside the other’s skin.

He skims his lips over Isagi’s skin and bites down on his slender neck and Isagi groans as he arches his back.

Let the world see them as they are. Let others see this.

Isagi is flushed and panting and he never looks away.

“Greedy.” He teases Rin. “You shouldn’t mark me like that, Rin. It sends the wrong message.”

“I don’t care.” 

Isagi’s eyes widen, his mouth falling open and Rin feels triumphant for a moment for being able to render Isagi speechless.

Then, he smiles and laughs.

When he looks at Rin again, his eyes are soft and Rin hates how his heart aches at that.

“Then come on.” He teases. “I won tonight and I think I want my prize now.”

2023 Formula One Championship, Round 15: Netherlands

His next win is two weeks later and he fucks Isagi that night. He presses Isagi against his bed, his lips against Isagi’s neck as he snaps his hips against Isagi’s. Isagi cries and begs and Rin never stops. He feels more like a champion now when he has Isagi between his arms than he did when he stood on the podium with a trophy in hand. Touching Isagi felt more precious and sacred than the trophy of gold in his arms. He felt happier when Isagi looked at him after the race and sprayed only him with the champagne, ignoring Kaiser on the other side of Rin.

(Kaiser had looked at Isagi and then at Rin, raised an eyebrow, and shook his head, laughing.)

Later Isagi dozes off beside him and Rin can’t look away.

His dark blue hair a mess and his mouth agape as he drools on the pillow. And he should be disgusted. He should wake him up and tell him to leave.

But he can’t .

When he reaches out to wake him, all he does is lay his hand on Isagi’s cheek, feeling him. Isagi moves at the touch and shuffles closer to him.

He stays like this the entire night.

But good things never stay. Not for Rin.

2023 Formula One Championship, Round 20: Mexico

Things fall apart in Mexico when he hears his brother and Isagi after the race before the podium. When he steps out for a moment and hears them before he enters the room.

There is bitterness that Sae won this race but not as much when Isagi hugs him as soon as they’re both out of their car. Isagi takes off his helmet and grins at him and he can’t feel the anger.

Until now, when he hears his brother talk about Isagi’s contract.

“A pity you didn’t wait another year.” Sae says. “Ferrari’s other seat is opening up. Shame. We’d be good teammates.”

Rin freezes outside.

He feels like the world is ending. Or, his world. Sae’s words ripped open wounds he thought healed. It feels like he’s 14 once more and clutching the wheels of his kart, frozen in his seat as he watches his brother walk away saying he should quit . He’s 17 and it’s his first Formula 3 race and he won but his brother only looks at Isagi then and says he’s good . 

He’s a child once more starving for his brother’s praises and warmth only for Sae to cruelly snatch it away. 

Rin’s has racked as many podiums as Sae this year and he’s competing with Sae for the second place but Sae doesn’t even look his way.

Instead it’s Isagi.

It’s always Isagi.

The anger is blinding. The rage is all consuming and threatening to destroy everything.

Whatever Isagi and Rin had was no exception to it.

When Isagi turns up at his doorstep that night, Rin doesn’t let him in. He doesn’t relax. Doesn’t roll his eyes at Isagi’s teasing smile and doesn’t pull him in. Doesn’t push him against the door and kiss him.

He doesn’t allow himself to melt at the sight of Isagi’s face.

Not when he can still hear Sae’s voice.

We’d be good teammates.

He wants to slam Isagi against the door and choke him. He wants to see the light leave his eyes. 

He wants to throw himself off the very roof of this building at the thought of never seeing those eyes again.

“What.” He demands.

Isagi loses his smile and looks confused.

“I… are you okay, Rin?” 

No. No, he isn’t.

And he wants so badly to pull Isagi in and kiss him. He wanted to drown in it. He wanted to hear him laugh again. He wanted Isagi to look at Rin as if he’s worth every trophy out there.

We’d be good teammates.

“I’m fine.” He replies. “What do you want?”

Isagi falters. “I just… thought you’d want me to be here.”

The words rise and he chokes on it. I do . I do want you. I think I’ve always wanted you. I don’t know when I started to want you but I know it never stopped and it’s so much more now. 

“And why would I want that? It’s not like we’re anything.”

Isagi looks wounded at that. He takes a step back as if Rin’s words were a physical blow but Rin doesn’t stop.

“I don’t need distractions right now, Isagi. If you want to fuck so badly go to Kaiser.”

He shuts the door before Isagi can utter another word.

2023 Formula One Championship, Round 21: Brazil

It’s raining in Brazil and he fucking hates it. The Qualifying yesterday was cancelled and shifted just hours before the Grand Prix. He was in a rush the entire morning to qualify well and not fuck up his car like Grim, the Williams driver crashing into the wall during qualifying and destroying any chance of competing in the race despite qualifying in the top 10. And he’s on pole which is perfect but the race is awful and somehow he falls to p6 by the end of it and Rin wants to scream. Those were points he needed to secure their championship. He may not be winning the Driver’s championship this year but Ferrari was inching ever so close to McLaren for the constructor’s.

But what made it worse was that it was Kaiser's win . 

This was the kind of race that made people call you a talent . Kaiser, who wasn’t even in the top 10 in the starting and yet won this race, showed the entire world that he was Michael Kaiser, two-time world champion. And after today’s win, he has enough points to ensure his third championship. Kaiser’s first win after 10 races and it’s sensational and everyone is screaming his name.

Rin feels sick .

His loss was one thing. This was another.

If you want to fuck so badly go to Kaiser .

Up on the stage Kaiser is smiling widely as the German National anthem plays. Rin can’t take his eyes off that smug smile. 

He hasn’t seen Isagi since the race started. He doesn’t see him around now.

Rin wonders if Isagi left already. Left to take a shower and change and go to Kaiser like Rin told him to.

He moves around his room that night. Lingers near his door. Presses his ears against it. Tries to hear Kaiser’s voice. Or, Isagi’s. 

He hears nothing and that calms him until he remembers that Kaiser is on a different floor and Isagi could very well be there.

Rin always destroys everything. If only he was better than Sae wouldn’t have turned away. If only he was better then Sae would have chosen him.

If only he was better, he wouldn’t be standing in front of his door tonight wondering if Isagi went to Kaiser instead.

Isagi told him weeks ago that the whole thing started as a bet during their F3 days. When Kaiser bet he’d win and that he gets to ask for anything in return, Isagi, arrogant as ever, agreed. Kaiser won that race and asked for a kiss. 

It’s less about romance and more about winning . Isagi shook his head. He knew I never kissed anyone and he wanted to have that. That’s all.

And what about after?

After… Isagi chewed on his lips. Kaiser is complicated. The only uncomplicated thing about him is when he’s driving or when he’s fucking you. The latter was a bet again. This time it was less about getting my first time and more about his win. After that… Well, I just thought it’s easy. There’s no feelings involved.

He had to ask then. 

So you never liked him?

Isagi looked amused. No. 

Why?

He didn’t answer.

He only smiled at Rin and shook his head as if he knew something Rin didn’t.

Somewhere as the days passed and they draw nearer to the Abu Dhabi GP, it hits Rin how much he misses Isagi. When Isagi is with him during the meetings before their races to discuss strategy but never glances at him unlike before when Isagi would look at him and wink. When in Vegas he stopped as he saw Isagi with other drivers, laughing as they headed off into the city of Sin, not even asking Rin like he previously did despite his numerous failures. When he’s laughing with Loki before races, his hands waving as he explains something and Loki is smiling as he leans against the wall listening to him. When he’s with Kaiser arguing again and doesn’t slap Kaiser away when he leans in too close to tease him.

Every moment when Rin was by his side once and not anymore. 

It wasn’t the sex he missed. 

He realises now what he missed was simply Isagi’s company. Somehow this past year Isagi has entered Rin’s world in a way that no one had before. Before, Rin’s world consisted of racing and defeating Sae. Now, Isagi is part of it too.

Or, he was .

2023 Formula One Championship, Round 24: Abu Dhabi

His parents' arrival brings in the first time Sae and Rin sit in close proximity outside of the cooldown room. They do this every year before the final race. A way for his parents to try and end the season positively. Even more so this year given that the point gap between Ferrari and McLaren is only 21 allowing Ferrari an opportunity to win the Constructors championship. Their first since 2008 and something Sae is desperate for given that it’s his chance to show Ferrari their faith in him isn’t misplaced.

But Rin is just as desperate as his brother. Rin might not have as many podiums and wins as his brother, but if he wins this… it’s something he’ll achieve before Sae. He’ll be the driver who made McLaren a champion after 20 years.

Perhaps knowing this tension would exist, his parents encouraged them to invite others to join them.

It was easy for Rin to decide given that he had no one to invite. He thought Sae would be the same. It’s not like Sae gets along with most of the drivers.

Except Sae comes with another driver. He brings along Michael Kaiser.

His parents seem extremely pleased, especially his mother who flushes as Kaiser compliments her for looking lovely tonight. She giggles (giggles!) and says he’s a charmer and he grins at her before turning to Rin. His eyes gleam sharply and Rin knows that look. It’s the same look in Kaiser’s eyes as he looks at the drivers nearest to him when he’s not starting pole and about to get into his car. It’s a look Rin is familiar with because it means he needs to be careful in turn 1 because Kaiser has every intention to bulldoze past every driver in his path for the win.

“Rin.” He coos. “Good race last week.”

He was shit last week when he ended up bottling the race in p10 despite starting off in p3 while Kaiser stayed comfortably in his lead and won the race while his brother ended up second and Isagi third. Rin did not have a good race. Even more so when he saw Isagi spray Kaiser with a bottle of champagne, then grabbed Sae’s one and doused him with that too while Kaiser laughed. 

Rin’s mother says you’re sweet and looks at Rin with a sharp look as if to remind him to be polite.

He wonders if his mother will have the same opinion had she heard Kaiser really talk. He passed by Kaiser and Ness after the race in Qatar where Kaiser called Ness a deadweight citing how they lost the constructor’s title this year because of Ness’ awful driving. 

At least Yoichi can pull his weight. Look at McLaren and look at us. We lost because of you .

But his mother and father seemed pleased about the fact that at least one of their child isn’t a loner so Rin swallows his complaints. The dinner goes smoothly. Well, as smoothly as its possible for a dinner with both Sae and Rin, but– and he can’t believe he’s saying this– Kaiser’s presence mediates things a lot. He carries the conversation, regalling Rin’s parents with stories of this season which mainly feature Sae but occasionally brings up stories of Rin too.

He didn’t know Kaiser was observing him but he doesn’t say anything. Not when his parents look so happy.

The dinner ends with Rin and Sae seeing their parents off together at the entrance. Kaiser offered to drop them off and Rin’s parents, though thankful, declined, saying all three of them should head back early for a proper rest.

“You should visit us during the off season.” His mother offers. 

Kaiser smiles. “I plan to. Sae offered.”

Rin glances at his brother in surprise. Sae shrugs when his parents turn to him. “He never gets a chance to tour during the season. We’re too busy. I offered.”

Rin swallows his anger at his brother’s words. The way Sae didn’t even consider that Rin wouldn’t want Kaiser with them.

And the fact that Kaiser might bring Isagi with him during his visit. 

Later, when Rin and Sae are taking the same car– thanks to their parents seeing them off too– he finally asks his brother. (Kaiser had left on his own stating his mother and sister landed and he was off to see them, taking his car with him so Sae was left to leave with Rin. He’s sure his brother would have preferred a separate one but under their parents’ watchful eyes both brothers concede and always accept a temporary truce.)

“Why did you bring Kaiser?”

Sae barely glances up from his phone where he’s tapping away.

“Despite your beliefs I do have friends, Rin. Kaiser is my friend like Isagi is yours.” 

There’s the familiar stab of pain at Isagi’s name. But it’s mixed with anger at how casually Sae can talk about him. 

“He’s not my friend.” Rin says.

“Oh.” This time Sae did pause and look up at him with a frown. “Kaiser did mention you two were dating. I suppose that’s why you didn’t bring him over. Yes, it’s too early for a meeting with parents.”

“It’s not-” He stops. He doesn’t know how to say it. It’s not early because there’s nothing to be early for. It’s not . Because Isagi isn’t his boyfriend. Isagi isn’t his . He’s never been his. He never will be. Not now after everything.

“Isagi isn’t my boyfriend.”

“No? Kaiser is rarely wrong about such things.”

Yes, god forbid Kaiser was ever wrong. How could the great Michael Kaiser ever be wrong?

“Isagi isn’t my boyfriend.” And repeating this doesn’t hurt any less. “We aren’t… I can’t afford to have distractions. Not now.”

Sae glances at him and anger surges up and for a moment his vision darkens and he wants to scream at his brother how this is all his fault. 

He did this to Rin. If he kept his mouth shut. If he stayed away from Rin as he had done. If he stayed away…

Isagi would be here.

Sae’s eyes are piercing and all-knowing. He looks at him as if he can peer into the depth of his mind and rip into his thoughts. As if he knows Rin in a way no one does. 

And the thing is, it’s true. His brother knows him in a way no one ever will. Sae put him in that Kart years ago. Sae molded Rin to the racer he is today. And who is he if he isn’t a racer? Who is he if he isn’t Itoshi Sae’s brother?

“It’s not like you’re gunning for the Drivers championship this year.” Sae turns back to his phone. “Constructors Champion consists of teamwork and not only individual work. Isagi is a great driver and-”

“Is that why you want him in Ferrari?” Rin snaps before he can stop himself.

His brother blinks at him. “Who told you that?”

“You did. Mexico.” 

Sae blinks in confusion before his face clears. He raises an eyebrow at Rin. “You heard that.”

Rin says nothing.

“Isagi is a great driver.” Sae says and bitterness fills his mouth at the reminder. Yes, Isagi is a great driver. He’s proven that to everyone over the years. While others have been swallowed up by Kaiser’s ambition, Isagi was the only one who could keep up and challenge him. When McLaren was struggling last year, this year Isagi helped them achieve this win. It’s not just the car that wins a race. It’s a teamwork of the car and driver. Without Isagi, no matter how good of a car they had, McLaren wouldn’t be winning. He hates that. He hates that and he’s proud of that. 

“He has the ability to work with a team without sabotaging the other drivers career. You see it in his career at Red Bull. Despite the fierce fight between him and Kaiser, he scored points to make them win. He did it again this year with you. He’s a great driver. I thought Ferrari could use someone like him.”

The car slows down as they approach the hotel but Sae doesn’t look away.

Sae knows .

“You always do this. Blame others for your inability to achieve things you want. You seek answers from me, demanding things I don’t have. You made this decision, Rin. You decided things based on your assumptions about me.” Sae scoffs. “This is why I don’t speak to you. You twist my words to serve a purpose in your story. I’m not the villain of your story. Neither is Isagi.”

The garage is in a rush as everyone is rushing to check the cars for the last time. Tires. Wings. Front. Everything needs to be perfect. His mechanics are checking to make sure the tires are perfect. That the extra tires are right there. Nanase is by his side, rambling nervously, but his eyes are gleaming in anticipation for the win. Tonight is the night. It’s the night when they bring home their first trophy in years. It’s also the night when Rin will win and be second.

It’s not first. He knows it. But it’s second and it’s above Sae. For the first time, Rin will be above Sae if he clinches the win tonight. The point difference is little– only 8 for second place and 21 for the Constructors title– and Rin needs to win to maintain the lead.

Nanase steps away for a moment and Rin is left alone in this chaos. No one approaches him. No one cheers for him because they’re all nervous. They don’t want to jinx it. They don’t want to ruin his concentration and for the first time he’s thankful that this is the team that chose him. That despite his thorns, this team has accepted him as he is and strived to do their best to provide him the car that will win him titles. He can’t give them double titles this season but this is the start.

“Rin.” 

He turns to see Isagi already dressed and ready. Isagi hesitates and his eyes flash with something that Rin can’t figure.

Neither is Isagi .

He swallows.

Isagi hesitates for a moment before he smiles timidly. “Good luck tonight.”

Rin’s loss for words. Once more, Isagi has managed to render him speechless. He makes Rin feel an overwhelming amount of emotions that no one has. Not even Sae. Sae brought out happiness or anger. The latter more often for years. But Isagi makes him happy and angry and victorious. So much. He hates him for being able to wish him the best because Rin could never. He knows Isagi hates that he isn’t contending for the second place this season (even more than the fact that Kaiser was winning but he feels like Isagi was more prepared in the knowledge that Red Bull won’t be so easy to beat than Rin). He knows Isagi wants to win this race as badly, perhaps even more so, than Rin.

But Isagi is here and sincerely wishing him the best for this race.

Rin hates him.

He will never stop hating him.

(And he also doesn’t hate him. That’s the worst part isn’t it?)

He nods and then says, “You too.”

He hates how Isagi’s eyes brighten at the slightest bit of kindness he has to offer.

Nanase’s voice crackles a few seconds into the race informing him that Isagi spun out and it will be hard for him to recover his position. 

What happened?

Contact with Kaiser in turn 1. Keep your speed up.

This is on you now. 

He knows this means that the assurance of their 1-2 victory is gone. McLaren was hopeful given that both their cars start from the front and only one Ferrari is in the top 10. Sae’s car starts p16. But Nanase is quick to inform that there’s a mess in turn 1 causing Sae to quickly climb up to p8 and he knows his brother. He will fight till the end.

Rin hopes Kaiser fucking crashed into the damn wall for this. He should have known. He’d seen Kaiser before the race. Perhaps he should have warned Isagi but he hoped that Kaiser would take out the Ferrari before the McLaren.

Did he get a penalty?

Ten seconds

That’s not enough for Rin. He thinks of Isagi at the garage before the race, smiling as others wish him luck. Promising he’ll secure the victory, Rin thinks ten seconds isn’t enough for Michael Kaiser for the devastation that Isagi will be haunted by.

There’s a party and everyone is drunk or getting to it as they celebrate their win. Someone is on the Karaoke singing horribly and others are egging him on. The crowd is a sea of orange and yellow and Rin is looking for the single speck of blue among them but can’t seem to find it.

He was there before the podium and after. 

His smile was perfect and flawless as he greeted Rin with a congratulations and accepted hugs from those around him. He never betrayed his anger or disappointment. Not now when the team was celebrating.

People surround him every few steps, cheering his name, clapping his back and usually he’d snarl at them and push away from this but he knows that tonight isn’t the night for that. McLaren had terrible years and this is the first ray of light they’ve seen in years. He can’t ruin it.

But he looks for Isagi. 

Finally, after what feels like hours, he spots Isagi sitting in a corner, holding an untouched glass, looking at the stage with a small smile.

He’s also alone.

That is what tells him that Isagi isn’t in a good mood. Isagi is the people’s person. Always surrounded by masses of people basking in the glow of his light. When he entered a room, people would turn to gaze at him. Sunflowers following the sun. Planets orbiting the star. He supposes he’s no different.

(Neither is Isagi .)

He finds himself moving towards Isagi, brushing away those who try to stop him.

Isagi spots him when he’s close and the smile is wiped from his lips.

When they’re close enough, Isagi silently stares at him and Rin hesitates, not knowing what to say.

Isagi waits.

Behind them, the horrible voice is still ringing out and Rin wants to turn and throw something to shut them up. 

Instead, he asks Isagi, “Can we talk?”

There’s truth to Sae’s words even if he can’t admit it. 

Rin has shaped his whole life based on Sae’s words. He’s done it for so long he doesn’t know how to stop it.

Even now, when he asks Isagi to speak, isn’t it because of Sae?

How funny it is that despite everything, Rin still cannot cut the strings that ties him to Sae. Somehow, Rin still moves when Sae nudges him.

“Yes?” Isagi asks when they step out on the balcony.

Rin breathes in the cool air and takes a moment. It’s significantly quieter out here but still loud. Somehow, there’s still fireworks and there’s still people down in the streets. He can hear the cars rushing despite the late hour. 

“I..”

He wants to say he’s sorry for his words. 

He wants to say he misses him.

But Isagi speaks first.

He sighs. “I don’t know what you want from me, Rin. You are angry at me and then you’re jealous. Then you’re all…” He runs a hand through his hair, face twisting with annoyance. “You’re all happy and smiley with me. You kiss me. You want me. Then you push me away with your words. Then you wish me luck and now you’re here. What do you want ?”

You.

It’s so easy.

So simple.

So why not say it?

Tonight he’s a champion.

He’s the winner of the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix. He won his team their first championship after 20 years.

So why not?

“You.” He admits. “I want you.”

Isagi falters.

“Don’t say that.” His voice is anguished when he finally speaks. “Don’t say what you don’t mean.”

Isagi pushes off from where he’s leaning and paces around the small space. 

“You just… you can’t do this to me. This push and pull okay? I can’t do this. God.” He laughs. “I can’t believe I’m saying this but even Kaiser is better than you. At least his horribleness is consistent. You.” His blue eyes are burning, piercing him with absolute fury. “You’re worse. You give me hope and then take it. You know what you’re doing to me and you keep on doing it. I’m not a toy!” He screams. 

He thinks this is the first time Isagi has ever screamed at him. Isagi’s anger is always muted. He’d glare at him and he’d scream in frustration at his loss, but they’re never directed at him. His anger is only for Kaiser. Kaiser who gets to unmask that part of him.

Until tonight.

Somehow, this feels like another win. 

“This is how I am.” So accept me as I am .

“Why?” Is what Isagi asks.

He takes a deep breath. “I missed you. These past weeks I missed you. And I want to win with you again next year. But I also want to beat you.” He wants to prove Sae wrong. Winning over Sae wasn’t enough. He has to beat Isagi next year. And every year after. “And I was angry. At… doesn’t matter. I was angry and you were there.”

This is the most honest he can be without admitting the truth. He can’t tell Isagi about Kaiser. He can never. That part of him is only his to see and no one else. He can’t admit that he was angry because of Sae.

But he wants Isagi too. He wants to prove his brother wrong and he wants Isagi.

And he knows he’ll always hurt him. That’s how Rin is. 

Yet.

“I really hate you.” Isagi breathes. “I fucking hate you.”

He feels the knot in his chest loosen. “Yeah I hate you too. You’re always going to be my rival.”

Rin hasn’t apologised and he never will. He’s not one for apologies.

But Isagi steps closer to him, his eyes ever so bright. Brighter than the entire city and every star in the night sky.

“I’ll beat you next year and make you regret it.”

Then he holds out his hand.

And Rin takes it.