Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Adolin pulled back from the embrace.

“Good to see you too, Lady Radiant.”

Shallan smiled, though she wanted to still be holding him.

“How was your daring expedition, my noble betrothed?”

“You mean to find the privy? I know I can’t memorize all the hallways like you Shallan, but I am pretty adept at exploration when the need arises.”

“Oh I know. I just assumed it was tough for your to hold it in these days. Scar and Drehy are your guards again today, and since you’re used to wearing shard plate around them…”
Adolin barked out a laugh, and for a moment she saw him again. The Adolin she had first met. Bright eyes twinkling, joy spren popping up around him. Wild hair and toothy smile contradicting, and yet complimenting, his crisp, stern looking military uniform.

“You know, it’s not fair that you know some of my dirtiest, ahem, secrets and I know so few of yours. Tell me one, Shallan. Or, now that I think of it, maybe just give Pattern and I some time to talk alone. What do you think, Pattern?”

“mmmmmm, yes! That sounds wonderful! I would love to have another human’s perspective on several of my theories. And it would be very helpful if you would let me watch you bathe; Shallan says Sebarial is not archtypical of human males, and if you could share with me some jokes- I need a greater foundation upon which to build my lies, you see, and...”

“Wait, you watch people bathe?! Shallan, surely you don’t..”

“What, watch people bathe with him? Oh storms no, of course not. I’m far too busy actually helping them bathe to do a lot of watching.”

“Shallan!”

She knew it was a bit too far for Adolin’s Alethi high prince sense of propriety, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. Storms, the look on his face.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself. Of course I don’t watch anyone bathing. Can you imagine? I think my face would turn so red people might think the ghost of old ruddy faced Sadeas was stalking around. Pattern’s a scholar like me, he’s just interested in human anatomy and, well, all things human really.”

Something she’d said had been wrong. She could see Adolin putting up his wall again, withdrawing from her. He muttered a response but looked downward. She tried to engage him again, she even brought up fashion, a topic of which she knew he was fond. Soon, though, he made an excuse that he needed to check in with his father and walked away.
Damnation. Her uncontrolled wit strikes again. Usually Adolin seemed to like it, though. It was one of the things she most liked about being around him. She could be herself with him, well mostly. He was right about him not knowing any of her secrets. More right than he could imagine.

“He’s hurting, Pattern.”

“mmmmmm” Pattern hummed sympathetically.

“It’s like it was with my brothers. Something is wearing him down slowly but steadily. I just don’t know what, and I have no idea what to do this time.”

Well, she couldn’t just stand there thinking about it. People were already frightened of her. What would they think if they saw her just staring and talking to her spren at a feast?
So, she started wandering around the ornate room, nodding to those who acknowleged her as she passed and admiring the beautiful murals. She had sketched all of these already, but she felt like she kept seeing new details each time she looked. The ancient’s artistry was amazing.

She noticed Sigzil and a few other members of Bridge 4 guarding Lady Navani. She’d been meaning to speak with him about the places wherein lie the other Oathgates. The man knew so much more about the rest of Roshar than she did, and he thought like a scholar. She enjoyed their conversations, especially if Vathah was around during them. Poor Vathah. She did love to torture the once terrifying man. Well, still slightly terrifying.

She began to make her way torwards Sigzil and Navani. She needed a distraction from worrying about Adolin, the voidbringers, and when her brothers would finally arrive. Better if Jasnah had been here, but she was busy in the library. Ever since Pattern finished translating the dawn chant using what was learned from Dalinar’s visions, Shallan had only gotten to spend time with Jasnah when they were both researching. This could have something to do with Shallan not wanting to physically let go of Jasnah when she was near. Jasnah had had to pry her off of her with stormlight aided force when she’d first arrived at Uritheru. She did not want to lose her mentor again. And much to Jasnah’s chagrin, she was going to make sure the Bright Lady knew that.

Chapter Text

She caught Sigzil’s eye as she approached. Navani was deep in conversation with one of her artefabrians, but Shallan bowed to her in respect and Navani spared the attention to nod back. Navani was transformed since the revelation of Jasnah’s survival. Before, Shallan already had seen ample reason to respect, even revere the woman. The affection Navani showed her had also become increasingly essential to Shallan. But now, with Jasnah alive, well, and back with her mother, Shallan realized that the Navani she knew before had been but a grief-stricken shadow of her true self. The woman before her now radiated strength, wisdom, and cunning. Though perhaps not as intelligent as her daughter, Storms, no one could be that, she was a wonder all her own. And Shallan was beyond happy to be one of her clutch.

Actually, that sentiment was because of more than just Navani’s motherly affections. Shallan felt like part of a family here. The Kholins were all so wonderful, and they had all been kind to her. Even Renarin had quickly forgiven her for lashing out at him in her desperation to get the Oathgate working. She still thought he was creepy, of course. But he was also kind, thoughtful, and warm in his own way. She could see how he wanted so much to do what was right, to be a part of something. She knew those feelings well. And after all, she was crazy and okay with that, so why couldn’t Renarin be a little creepy and that be okay? Of course, he hadn’t loved that particular quip when she’d told him. But he was opening up to her slowly anyway. All the Kholins were, and she to them. She wondered if any of that would change with her brothers arrived.

She didn’t want to think too much on that right now.

Luckily, Sigzil had just finished his conversation with another member of Bridge 4 and was now turning to her.

“Brightness Shallan,” he said as he inclined his head.

“Well ‘ello there Sigzy. You’re lookin’ roit dashin’ in that fine outfit, you are. Roit dashin’ indeed.”

Sigzil looked horrified.

“Kadasixes and Stars! How are you the ultimate spy and weaver of light and lies and yet you are so far off on your Bav accent, Mistress? It is a good thing we are not solely dependent upon your infiltrations for our successes.”

She loved that Sigzil would speak to her in such a decidedly equal manner. Very few others would do that these days, and even fewer could actually keep her on her toes with their comments.

“Perhaps if you would simply explain the nuances to me more thoroughly, young one. I am certain that with the right education and arguments, I could be a valuable asset to us.”

Sigzil actually cracked a smile. Wow, she wondered if she would conjure gloryspren at that. Getting Sigzil to smile was tough. Especially when he was on guard duty.

“That is actually a very good Azish accent, Brightness. I am assuming you’ve had more of a foundation than just me? Though, I’m a little perplexed at the ‘young one’ comment. Surely I am years older than you.”

“Hmmm, probably. But once I’m able to create sound with my illusions, I’m assuming I’ll still be making them speak whatever I want. I’ve drawn and excellent elderly Azish man, so I suppose I was thinking of him when I spoke.”

“mmmmmm” Pattern hummed on her skirt. He loved it when she thought of ways to use their talents. Of course, he would love it more if she could just get that sound part down at all.

“Gah!” Sigzil jumped back a bit.

“Oh, yes, Pattern. Of course, I apologize. I am always just, startled, you see. Syl was not so often apparent when I first became aware of her existence. Anyway, though I am enjoying our conversation, Brightness, I must return all of my attention to my duties. Captain Kaladin would likely have me strung up if he saw me talking for leisure while on guard for so long.”

“and definitely if he saw you scared of my spren.” Shallan quipped.

“Yes, well, I actually think that would not be so surprising for him. Likely he would smirk a bit as you are now. Until our next library session with Lady Jasnah, Brightness.” Sigzil bowed and turned away to move closer to Navani and scan the feast hall again.

Shallan was disappointed to not get to chat with him for longer. She hadn’t even gotten to ask more about Thaylenah as she’d intended. She couldn’t blame the man for doing his duty though. And she would see him tomorrow morning in the library as he’d mentioned. But who was she to speak with now? Navani and Dalinar were making their rounds politicking. Adolin was obviously not really in the mood for conversation with her and needed to be working garnering alliances anyway. But Shallan didn’t really. Though she was of critical importance and station now, there was not much socializing that she needed to do at a feast like this. People knew her as a Radiant and they would either stand with her for that or stand against her for that. She didn’t seem able to change their minds much on that by chatting with them. Hmm. She couldn’t. But perhaps someone else could..

“You are thinking of something, obviously. Is it food, wine, a bath? or perhaps Kaladin? You have that gleam in your eye.”

Kaladin? Did she really get a gleam in her eye when she thought about him? And how did Pattern even realize that? Well, he was bonded to her, hopefully it was something he noticed and not others. And any gleam was probably just related to their shared Radianthood. Yes, of course it was. Or maybe it was when she was thinking about his eyes, intense, deep..

“Shallan?”

Right. Not a path of thought she wanted to go down again.

“I have a gleam in my eye, dear Pattern, because I am thinking of something fun for us to do for the rest of the night. And because I’ve always wanted to try to speak like a witty, insulting maniac.”

Chapter Text

Shallan strode towards the exit she wanted with purpose. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Red walking that direction as well. Likely Vathah had given him the signal to follow. He’d be joining her soon as well of course, she didn’t need to see him to know that would have guessed her intentions. Well, her intentions to leave, anyway. Since she herself often didn’t often know exactly what her next action would be, she didn’t expect anyone else to guess that either.

She smiled at both Vathah and Red as they shortly joined her in the hallroom outside the feast. She spared a glance back in searching for Adolin. She found him. He looked happy, actually. He was chatting with a hulk of a man who did not seem to be equally so happy. Was that one of those monsters from the dual that had led to Kaladin and Adolin to the brocades?

She smiled wryly as she watched him manipulate the man. Adolin was more clever than anyone gave him credit for, and he could hold his temper better than others thought too. Especially now that Sadeas wasn’t around to gode him. Though, she’d be lying if she denied that there was some remorse in her heart for his death. Ialai had obviously really loved that storming man, and Shallan felt sorry for her. And rather terrified of her, actually. She was so sly and cunning, and Shallan knew well what grief and rage can do to someone; what it can lead them to become.

She wanted to catch Adolin’s eye but he seemed intent on his conversation. She would check in with him later. Maybe she could even cheer him up a bit. All she needed was a little wit.

Vathah and Red started walking with her down the hall and away from the feast without question or conversation. Vathah tended not to ask many questions any more, since so often the answers were a bit more pithy than he would have preferred. He also hated parties, or at least he hated lighteyed parties.

“Tough to keep track of you , even with your red hair, and even tougher to stand all those idiots walking around talking fancy to each other. No wonder the voidbringers are upon us with these people in charge.” He had told her once.

“It’s not the fancy talk that really matters at these parties, Vathah, it’s more important what they’re not saying at these events. So many layers! It’s really quite fascinating once you know how to interpret it.”

He had grunted and seemed even more annoyed by that explanation. For the guard of an illusionist and former deserter, the man was not very good at handling dishonesty or subtlety.

She could trust him, though, to keep quiet about her activities. Red and all the others as well. Having a bunch of reformed criminals dedicated to you did have it’s advantages. Secrecy being among the top.

Red’s stomach growled. Ahhh, so that’s why he was being so silent.

“You know, I hear there’s already some vendors selling Chouta in Urithiru. Only a 10 minute walk from where I'll be going, really, maybe less if someone was in a hurry. You can almost smell it from here, can’t you?” Shallan said conversationally.

Red’s stomach growled louder almost immediately.

“You’re starting to look a little bit like me in the face there, Red. I’m glad to see at least one other person here can blush like that.”

“Sorry Brightness, I just happened to miss lunch earlier because Gaz and I were out, uh, well, we were just out walking, you know. I’m fine though, except for the fact that these storming hallways make sounds echo like we’re in a chasm or something.”

Shallan laughed. I only mention the chowta because I think you should go get some. I’m going to visit Renarin for a bit. Nothing too dangerous, and the vendor isn’t far from where I’m going to visit him anyway. Vathah can take care of guarding me for now, and we can meet you back at the entrance to the tower when you’re done. Besides, I hear soldiers guard better with full stomachs. Though, perhaps that grumble could scare away some enemies…”

Red chuckled. Vathah grunted. That storming man just refused to laugh.

“She’s right, Red. We’ll be quite alright for the moment. Just don’t skip out on a meal next time so that you can go lose money with Gaz.”

“Thank you, Brightness. I’ll be right back, and I’ll scare off as many Voidbringers as I can with my grumbles on the way down.” Red saluted and jogged off.

Hmmm. so Vathah thought gambling was Gaz’s vice. He did seem to always be low on funds, but Shallan wasn’t so sure that it was due to that. She also didn’t really see Red as the gambling type, and he seemed to be doing just fine financially. Anyway, she’d have to think on that later. Right now, she had to test out her ideas for adding sound to her illusions. Or rather, at least for changing sound to suit her illusion. Imitating someone else in that feast wouldn't work if she couldn't change her voice to match the image.

She breathed in the evening air as they walked outside the tower. It amazed her that it was already bustling with activity here. It wasn’t just the chouta vendors who had expediently set up shop outside the tower, but all sorts of merchants. She thought she could even smell candied fruit of the kind she’d enjoyed so in Sebarial’s camp. In fact, there were even a few bars already erected. It was as if the world here didn’t realize there was a Desolation going on. Or, well, maybe it was as if it realized exactly what was going on, but there was no use in stopping living because of it. Refuse to admit the darkness, and perhaps it would not be so dark when it came.

She and Vathah strode towards the area of Bridge 4’s nightly fires. She saw that big Horneater fellow stirring a large pot as they approached. Rock, wasn’t it?

He smiled at her and shouted “Cousin! Come join us, I will make you and I a special stew. Will not take long. We shall dine on real food while these fools sip their weak broth. Usually I would make our stew just for men, but you are Radiant, you see. I think this means we will need you strong, and so you must have good strong food.”

She smiled back. She liked this Rock. Especially because he was particularly appreciative of her banter with Captain Kaladin. Some of the other Bridge 4 members looked like they wanted to spear her through when she teased their leader. Rock would just laugh and join in, smacking Kaladin on the back probably hard enough to knock a non-Radiant over. And he was a cousin, after all.

“Sorry, no stew for me tonight. Though I do appreciate the offer.” She did want to try men’s food, but Sigzil had told her that Horneater "strong food" often included shells. That made the offer a little less appealing at the moment. Though, perhaps it was worth a try.. No. Time for sound, Shallan. Die trying to consume shells later. Pattern had been humming quietly with excitement since he'd realized she was going to try sound again. He would probably make a scene if she let herself get too distracted. “I’m just here to pester the High Prince a bit. Prince Renarin, do you have a moment?”

She sat down next to Renarin on one of the logs. Dalinar and Adolin thought it was unnecessary for him to keep on with Bridge 4 now that he was a Radiant, but it made sense to Shallan. He seemed to have found a place here, and they treated him like one of their own. Like he wasn’t different, or, well maybe he was different, but in a way that fit well with them. She could understand not wanting to just give that sense of belonging up. Even more so because Renarin probably knew better than anyone the depth of what they were facing. Shallan didn't want to face all this alone either.

“Of course. I finished my stew a while ago." He paused, thoughtful. "Is my brother still in that feast without you?”

He looked concerned. He always thought of Adolin first. Adolin or his father. Perhaps that was why they had ended up getting along after she had been rude. They both cared about his family so much.

“Yes, but he seemed happy, don’t worry. He’s making his rounds, bringing up the topics we’d all discussed prior. He’s quite good at it you know. He and Dalinar think themselves only capable of being soldiers, but they’re wrong.”

Renarin relaxed a bit. “Yes, yes. He is good at it. Though he’s better when he has someone for support near him. Maybe I should go pay a visit…”

“Wait.” Shallan grabbed his arm as he stood. “I think that’s actually a good idea. I wanted to stay with him. But, well, I don’t seem to be helping him much tonight. I feel that I’m actually making it worse somehow. I think it would be good for you to go in. But that’s not why I came to talk with you. Spare me a few minutes and then you can go in to check on Adolin. Alright?”

“Very well.” He sat back down hesitantly, looking towards the tower.

“Have you been able to produce sound yet?” Shallan whispered.

“No. No change since you asked me that yesterday, Brightness. Glys and I are getting better and forming images, though. More than just the darkness I used before. I appreciate your help with that..”

Shallan interrupted “It was nothing. I have some ideas about sound, but I need your input. Can we walk a bit?”

He looked at her with those discerning eyes of his. “Yes. But, Shallan, as intrigued as I am about this I do want to go check on Adolin soon.”

“It won’t take long. Come on.” She rose and started walking away from the fire, excited to try out her theory.

Chapter Text

"Vathah, dear, could you perhaps stay here near the fire and watch us from a slight distance? I think with two Radiants, a troop of soldiers, you, and being in Urithiru itself, we should be fine without you privy to our illuminating conversations."

Renarin cracked a slight smile at the pun. Only slight. But still, it looked nice on him.

"Did you just call me dear?" Vathah looked aghast, but stayed put as she and Renarin walked far enough away so that they could have a little privacy. They remained within sight of Vathah and the Bridgemen, though. More so that Vathah didn't have a fit than because she thought they needed to be guarded.

If that man had any clue of the types of dangers she put herself in alone when she wore a Veil's face.

Pattern started vibrating and chattering excitedly as soon as they were more isolated. "Well, what is this idea? Have you remembered? No. mmmmm. No. You wouldn't need Renarin for that.... Experimentation! mmmmm. Yes! Well. What are you waiting for? Explain. There must be a process you have considered. We are all waiting, attentive as rot spren to a festering wound."

"Yuk. Pattern!" Shallan grimaced at him as he hovered before them. "That is not appropriate. You just compared a cunning, radiant lighteyed woman to a festering wound!"

"Humans." Pattern huffed. "It is an accurate metaphor! We Patterns cannot be expected to decipher your strange categorizations of what is flattering and what is..."

"Ahem." Renarin interrupted. The fellow didn't say much, which made any sound he made all the more noticeable. Quiet or not.

"Yes. Right. So, you and I are both struggling with getting our illusions to emit sound, right? Pattern says I've progressed far enough that their is nothing hindering my ability, no truths I must speak first, but I'm still having a difficult time.."

"And you are unwilling to remember how you did it the first time. And there is only so far a spren can push a person.." Pattern interrupted.

"Yes, yes. I have to relearn it. So, I was thinking we take an approach similar to how I started with illusions. Well, really how I'm still doing them mostly. Anyway, with my visual illusions I have the most success when I draw them first. We think it helps form a picture in my mind, brings something to life for me so that I can then in turn bring it to life for everyone else. We can't draw sound out first of course, but we can.."

"Music." Renarin said nodding.

Well, stormwinds, she had really wanted to build up to that for a while first.

"You know, Renarin. This is why I call you creepy."

He shied back as if she had hit him. Storms. She hadn't seem him look hurt like that before. Sensitive, perhaps taken aback by a quip or one of Wit's jokes, but not like something had really effected him so. She guessed she was not the first person to call him creepy. She reached out and gently touched his hand. He did not usually seem to appreciate touch, but he did not move away this time.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to be hurtful. I can be a storming fool sometimes, you know. I mean that you see through people, like you're dissecting them. You see to their very soul, you think over what they say and truly listen. For those of us who are not as thoughtful prior to speaking or who use a veil to shelter ourselves from the world, it can be... unnerving to be seen so plainly. To know that you can see through all of it, that you hear what we do and do not say. It is a truly wonderful quality, Renarin, regardless of what I or anyone else calls it."

He looked at her and she thought she saw tears forming in his eyes. She wondered how rarely people had complimented him on the things that made him stand out. It wasn't his fault that people didn't like to see the truths of their souls reflected in his eyes, but she imagined he took the brunt of their dislike anyway.

He squeezed her hand, just the slightest bit, and then let it go. "Thank you, Brightness."

"Humph. A human says something nice and immediately you thank them. Spren say something complimentary, or supply a perfect metaphor, for instance, and they are scorned." Pattern sulked.

Shallan noticed Glys did not say anything. Renarin's spren was very quiet. Shallan had not even seen the spren yet, though she had heard him once, softly speaking to Renarin. Pattern and Syl had no qualms with speaking with other humans. If they liked them, anyway. Or with Pattern- if they didn't like them as well- as his continued torment of Inadara proved. She wondered if Glys would eventually open up more as they had or if he would remain reclusive and private as Ivory liked to.

"Oh. okay, Pattern. You are wonderful and very good with metaphors, a triumph among physical representations of ideas. Now. Yes- music! I think we can use music to visualize, or well, form in our minds the pictures of sounds..." Storms. She really did not know how to think like anything but an artist sometimes, she couldn't even think the right words for this.

"Mmmm. Yes. You could then have a cognitive visualization of the arrangement of waves in a pattern that then you could use to recreate that pattern with our abilities."

"Umm, yes. Thank you Pattern. That is exactly what I was going to say." Shallan smiled at him. What would she do without his presence in her life? He talked of how she could transform things or people around her. Truly, though, it was their bond that had transformed her, was transforming her, into something new. Something radiant. If only thinking of the events that had started that transformation did not threaten to shatter her at her at every step.

"Yes." Renarin actually looked a bit excited now, though still hesitant. "Yes, this could actually help I think. But, Shallan- how useful will it be? If we have to compose in anticipation of an event, if I even can do that...And, what of voices? Didn't you imply you wanted to practice so that you could imitate someone who is known?"

"mmmmm" Pattern hummed dejectedly. Shallan still wasn't sure if her ability to interpret his vibrations so well was due to Pattern being able to convey emotions with them or her being able to guess his meaning because of their bond. Probably both. And either way of course, it was related to the bond. Were others able to understand his tones so easily? She should really take this opportunity to ask Renarin..

Renarin was looking at her in anticipation.

Oh. Right. One discovery at a time, Shallan.

"Yes. You're right of course. Having to compose every sound we intend to make or could anticipate needing isn't very practical or even conceivable, but that's why I wanted to speak with you. Composing, visualizing, forming the pattern is vital to it somehow. We're so close, Renarin, I'm sure of it. There just must be some other way to do the same thing as drawing something out prior to creating an illusion, something.."

She stopped, she wasn't sure what else to say right now, didn't know what that something was. So they just stayed there and thought for a while. Shallan could see Vathah watching them from a distance a way, probably still annoyed at being called dear.

She sat on the ground, Alethi propriety be damned. She could always remove any stains on the dress with an illusion. Renarin stood with hands behind his back, fidgeting with a box in one of them. Pattern seemed to be in thought as well. He was on the ground in front of their little space in the night, now, forming a pattern in the sand there. She had no idea where Glys was or what he was doing. For all she knew, he could be visible to Renarin right now, just as Syl was able to make herself visible to only Kaladin.

After a few minutes, she sighed. "So, any thoughts?"

Renarin stood a while longer, lost in contemplation, periodically looking towards the tower. Likely he was thinking of Adolin. Then, he turned to her and smiled that slight smile again.

"Actually, yes."

Chapter Text

“But it’s not what you’re expecting.” Renarin said, looking sly.

What did that mean? She didn’t prod him though, better to let him proceed at his own careful pace.

“It’s several things. First, it’s what you said about your drawings a moment ago; that you give them life.”

“Yes,” Shallan said enthusiastically “I give them life.” She couldn’t help but speak passionately about it now. If anyone else could understand, surely it was someone else with the power of illumination.

“No.” Renarin said.

What? She opened her mouth to reply but he held up a hand.

“No,” he said again “It’s that you said you give them life. And before, when talking about your drawings of people, you’ve called it your collection, like once you have a picture of someone within, you hold a piece of their very self for your own.”

Well. That was an interesting take, but also.. disturbing. It reminded her of her father, always trying to hold on to what he felt was his, crushing them all with his possessive grip. She didn’t want to be like that at all, she couldn’t be, she..

Renarin continued. “Next, there’s your memories. When you draw them out, you’ve described it as releasing them, you’ve even said you fill clearer, lighter after, as if you are releasing a burden.”

Storms! He really did listen. She knew she had just told him that he was attentive, that he listened, that he understood things about people, but this. This was different. She didn’t even remember talking about her memories in front of him, or her collection for that matter. Best not to think about the fact that it was a little creepy, even if she had said he should ignore that term earlier. Could the combination of regrowth and illumination let you see into the future and read thoughts? She started reciting poetry in her head, just in case. Alight, winds approach deadly..

“Lastly, it’s the different between us. I don’t need to draw out my illusions first, you see, though you did help me progress. So, I think that..”

Wait. “You don’t have to draw them out?” And he was only now telling her this? Shallan looked up at him a little enviously. She was supposed to be the one who had been doing this for longer, after all.

“No. I think it likely that even when surgebinders share a power, they will perceive it differently, perhaps even manifest differently to some degree. The perception of the power probably matters more than it normally would with the manifestation of skills, since we are talking about powers granted by some sort of connection with the cognitive realm.”

Wow. Someone had been talking to Jasnah lately. Shallan decided she should put forth a little more scholarly effort this week. Though she need to spend more time on the training grounds with Zahel.

“So, I wonder if it is less about visualizing or forming for your illusions, and more about making them your own and then letting them go…”

Shallan’s mind began spinning. She stopped thinking about anything else and thought about Renarin’s words again. She did capture something when she took a memory. She didn’t steal anything from someone, she didn’t need to.

It is as if the living thing is a flame. One can light a hundred oil lanterns using the same single flame. It gives birth to a hundred more flames, but the first is never diminished by what it gave. I use that flame, I take it in myself, and then use it to make another. Release it in an image upon the page so that it gives light, so that it can dance and live. I don’t want to hold on to it, to own it like father did, I just want to use it, to share it. There was something here, something…

She stood up, automatically sucking in stormlight from her satchel in a gasp as she faced Renarin. She could hear Pattern humming louder and louder as if he was caught up in the tide of her thoughts as well. The stormlight urged her on.

She formed an image in her mind. Nothing she had seen before, it would be easier to feel as though it was a flame she held inside if had created it herself rather than thinking of something she’d seen.

A creature. A magnificent animal, like the chasmfiend. But brighter, somehow. A defense against such creatures, a champion that could fight the voidbringers themselves. Golden carapace, a sleek body, 6 legs, a tail spiked at the end. She could feel the stormlight in her veins. She held it, not breathing.

More, she needed more this time. Make it live, she thought. She envisioned it, but didn’t form every detail in her mind this time. It didn’t need detail. It was. It lived, it breathed. It did not need her to create it, only to see it, to hear it, to capture it for a moment and then release it. Her fingers itched to sketch it, but no. She knew now. The air around her, the world was the canvas. She did not need to draw it, only to coax it out of the canvas. She didn’t need to sketch it, only to..

Release me

The creature seemed to speak in her mind. She didn’t know if that was real. It wasn’t like when the Cryptics had spoken to her before, but it didn’t matter if the voice was there or not, if it was true or not, she would make it true. She breathed out the light.

An image formed in front of them, glowing, beautiful, powerful. But was it enough? 

The creature titled it’s head back, opening it’s huge mouth of sharp, shining teeth, and..

It roared

Chapter Text

It actually roared like some creature of ancient myth. It didn’t bellow or let out sound like a overlapping, horns call. No. It let out a glorious, deafening roar.

Hmm. Deafening. Terrifying. Coming from a creature larger than a chasmfiend shining golden in the night.

Whoops.

Shallan turned back, worried she may have just incited a panic amongst the people she had just been admiring for their determination to continue on normal life during the Desolation. Surely the sound wouldn’t reach the people in the Tower. The walls were thick stone and the music from the feast was fairly loud.

She saw blackness as she turned. Sheer blackness. Then suddenly a face. Vathah, looking tense, anticipatory, and And he slammed right into her. They both tumbled to the ground. Had he been glowing slightly? Surely not, Shallan must be imagining things. Right, imagining things. She looked up above them at her creation. Vathah looked as well, and she could see awe spren gathering around him. The creature craned it’s head down towards them, a violet eye looking her over. It nodded to her as if in respect. Had she just made it do that without realizing it, or did it have some sort of will of it’s own?

“Brightness, perhaps now is a good time to dispel your illusion, please? I don’t have much stormlight, and I’m not sure how long my wall of darkness will shelter it from view.” Renarin said, anxiety in his voice.

Shallan breathed in, taking the stormlight back from the illusion. Vathah rolled off of her and then bolted upright, holding a dagger in his hand.Where did that come from? Moments later Bridge 4 had burst through Renarin’s black illusion and gathered along side Renarin, spears at the ready. Renarin breathed in and dispelled his own illusion. Storms, he was a quick learner. And a quick thinker too- he had likely just saved them from total mayhem breaking out when the people saw her illusion. Though, now that the shadow barrier was no more, Shallan could see that vendors were indeed packing up, running towards the tower, or searching for the origin of the sound, all looking tense and bewildered.

If Jasnah, Kaladin, or Dalinar heard about this event, she was never going to hear the end of it. Veil would have a word with her for this too, if she could. Honestly. There were enough people terrified of her for being a Radiant, and more importantly- she wasn’t going to be able to trick anyone if she practiced in plain view of the entire warcamp, or well, radiantcamp, Urithirucamp?

Should she go reassure the people? Talk to them? Perhaps they would just disregard it as another part of life in current times that strange, loud, threatening calls seemed to be simply sound in the night. She and Renarin weren’t exactly the kind of Knights Radiants who went about leading the common man. Maybe she could project her voice to carry to them all and calm them down. Storms. Then she would be the creepy one. And what would she say? 

Hello everyone, no need to panic. I was just practicing using my godlike mythical powers. Move along. Nothing to see here.  

“Where is it? Was it real? You vanished, and then..” Vathah was still searching anxiously, weapon at the ready. The members of Bridge 4 looked similarly anticipatory, though they had only seen the shadow wall as they had arrived a moment too late to see her illusion. Likely they had all started running when she and Renarin had seemed to disappear into darkness and then they had her the roar.

“It’s alright. I was just testing out some ideas, and, well.. I got a little caught up in the moment, you see, and…”

They all looked at her, bemused. Vathah looked like he might turn that dagger on her instead.

She pointedly held her chin high and stopped blathering. Authority, project authority.

“It had to be done. Nothing to trouble yourselves over, just an important experiment for the betterment of mankind. We all must be ever diligent, you see, and…”

They all relaxed. Most of Bridge 4 started walking back towards their fire, a few shaking their heads. Vathah rolled his eyes, looking completely exasperated. Rock was laughing loudly.

“Do not fear airsick lowlanders!” He started shouting to the panicked crowd as he approached some of them. “Was only pretty lighteyed lady with very hungry stomach! You are safe, no need to run. Sound carries strangely in this place, is all.” He and some of the other members of Bridge 4 went right to work calming down the crowd.

Thank the Stormfather for that. She really had no idea how to mitigate this situation. Though, hopefully some of the others were thinking of something a bit more realistic and less embarrassing than the cause being her stomach. Speaking of that, she saw Red running towards them, half of his chouta covering his uniform. He slowed as a member of Bridge 4 explained what had happened.

She looked toward Renarin, then threw her arms around him. “We did it! Thank you, Renarin, thank you truly!”

Renarin patted her on the back awkwardly, seeming uncomfortable with the embrace.

“Uhh.. Yes, well, I suppose this was good for that reason, though perhaps next time we can practice without terrifying a lot of people. And though I’d like to stay and try sound again myself, I really must attend to Adolin now, Shallan.”

“Yes, yes of course. You go on, I’ll be there in a bit. Though, don’t expect to recognize me.” She let him go and smiled up at him.

“We will see, Brightness. You are clever indeed, but don’t forget that I can see to someone’s ‘very soul’ as you said.” He smiled, nodded to her, and jogged off.

That man wasn’t nearly as shy or fragile as she had supposed he was.

Pattern hummed. He had been awfully quiet the last few minutes, likely content to be silent while they handled the repercussions of her glorious creation.

“That was wonderful!” he buzzed.

Shallan smiled at him, hovering before her again. She started laughing, she could not hold it in any longer. Joyspren popped into existence around her.

“Yes, Pattern. Yes, it was.” She took a few moments more to calm herself, remaining in the same spot as Vathah and Red stood near her chatting. Vathah was still radiating annoyance.

“Pattern, I think we can do this. Truly. It will be a little tougher with someone who already exists, but I think we can do it. I can use one of my memories, so that it feels it is my own to give. Bah. I don’t know know how to explain it, but I think we can do this. I need to go get changed though. I don’t have time to search out for the right costume, I’ll have to use an illusion for that. But I don’t want to have my havah on under the illusion. Too risky it may peak out of the illusion or that someone may brush against it. This is so exciting!”

“Mmmm, yes!” Pattern replied. 

Chapter Text

She started jogging for the Tower. She had spent a lot of time away from the feast now, but she was sure it would still be active for a while longer. The Alethi did love their festivities, it seemed almost more so now that danger surrounded them at all times. Red and Vathah started running with her, though Vathah was cursing under his breath the entire time. That was alright, it was progress that he wasn’t cursing directly at her. 

She was sweating by the time they reached her quarters. She had had to concentrate so that she didn’t inadvertently breathe in the rest of her sphere’s stormlight to compensate for her windedness. Zahel and Kaladin both had warned her that if she became too dependent on stormlight for physical tasks, her training would suffer. She wasn’t really worried about that, but she did see the value in not wasting precious stormlight on simple activities. She started to ask Vathah and Red to wait outside while she changed but then thought better of it. Have them wait for what? So she could shoo them off  when she came back out? She certainly didn’t want them accompanying her back to the feast while she was wearing a different face. Besides, though she had grown comfortable with giving these men orders, she didn’t particularly relish the thought of arguing with Vathah over letting her go back alone after the tonight’s earlier events.

“Guardsmen Vathah, Red, I have decided to retire for the evening. I find myself suddenly exhausted after all that scheming, practicing, and running. I assume you will have replacements coming soon to relieve you? You have guarded me well tonight.”

Vathah raised an eyebrow. “You mean to say that you just ran here, skirts pulled up to your shins, fitfully breaking out into giggles like a child so that you can go to bed?”

Not as daft as you seem, eh Vathah?  Though really, a rock could have probably seen through that attempt. Had she really giggled as they ran? Fool girl, how on earth did you attract a Cryptic with blatant lies like these?  

She knew how, but no time to think of that now. She was having too much fun, as the aforementioned giggles clearly indicated. Pattern probably would have been giggling as well if she hadn’t informed him last week that his laughter sounded like a litter of axehounds being shaken about violently on a rocky wagon journey. She hadn’t been in her best mood that morning. He had just said that made it all the more important for him to practice, but she hadn’t heard him doing so since.

“Yes, well..” She sighed. Now  what was she going to say? An idea began to blossom in her mind. Completely ridiculous, but, well it was a night for experimentation and daring. She moved in close to both men, though the hallway was empty, and started speaking in a whisper:

“I’m going to change. I’m not going to be me when I come out, and if you go back to the feast with me as you…. well, that simply won’t do. You’ll have to either be content with the knowledge that I will be well protected in this fortress full of soldiers and lighteyes, or you’ll have to let me change you as well.” She grinned up at them like a fox. A fox? Where did that come from? What in Damnation is a fox? Like a whitespine. Right, that’s what I meant.

“Change us?” Red’s eyes were wide. Vathah was leaning in, and he actually looked eager, of all things.

I don’t think I will ever understand this man.

“Don’t worry, Red; it doesn’t hurt and it certainly isn’t permanent. You don’t even have to change your uniforms, they’ll do splendidly. I will just give you new faces, perhaps a different color hair, subtle changes- but enough that no one will recognize you as you. It is rare for you to be required to speak during guard duty if my assumptions are correct, and even if you do- no one will be suspicious enough to recognize that your voice does not match your face. Of course, at the feast you can’t be too obvious that you’re guarding me. I’m not sure, but I don’t think anyone ever really guards the person I’ll be imitating, not directly anyway. What do you think? If you’re uncomfortable with it, I can..”

“We’ll do it.” Vathah said quickly. He smacked Red on the back. “Right, Red? It’ll be just like what you wanted, we’ll be new men.” Vathah had a gleam in his eye that was distinctly unnerving. Storms, maybe he was the one who looked like a fox whitespine.

“Uhh. Right, of course Brightness. We would be honored to.. uhh..” he paused, but then stood up straight and spoke more clearly, and a bit too loudly, actually. “Yes. I trust you, Brightness, of course.”

Storms, trust? She knew they had decided to trust her that night in the Unclaimed Hills, but none of them often spoke that particular word aloud regarding their relationship. Having a group of men who trusted her, relied on her… well, it was another responsibility. She wasn’t sure how many more of those she could take.

But her men, yes her men, they were worth that. She could take that responsibility, if it meant they had a chance at becoming what she had asked of them. She had made that choice on the same night they had made theirs.

“Wonderful. Just give me a few moments to change clothes. I’ll be right out, give you new faces, and away we will go.”

She walked in to her room and closed the door. Pattern moved from her skirt to hover over the wardrobe.

“So, who are you going to be? The old woman who looks like a voidbringer? A foreign dignitary with an interest in Urithiru? The woman you sketch with the strange aversion to sculpture?” Pattern was practically shaking with excitement. He was always vibrating when he spoke, but now he looked like he could shatter the plains themselves if he had more physical force. Albeit, it would be a slow process. Maybe more like he could shatter a small rock outcropping. 

“I’m going to be Wit!”

“Mmmm. Yes, yes! That is even more exciting! I had not guessed that you would attempt to imitate a quality, an idea. You humans are so fascinating. Will you present as an unknown spren? A lifesize one? But how will this help you win influence? As I noted earlier tonight, humans do not seem accustomed to listening to spren.”

“Not wit, Pattern, Wit. Remember, the one from before, when you were, when we…” No, Pattern would not recall an event from that time period, they hadn’t talked much of what had happened to him in those years, but she knew he had not been entirely himself. “The one who drove our carriage when Adolin and I attended the menagerie in the warcamps. Black clothes, sharp, arrowlike face, onyx hair, mischievous eyes? We’ve seen him in passing a few times since.”

“Mmmm, yes. I recall now. I do not like him much, there is something….wrong about that one.”

“Oh.” That was unusual., Pattern did not talk about liking or disliking people often, unless they directly insulted him. And she had not had much interaction with Wit lately. It was surprising Pattern would have developed an aversion to him after a few brief encounters. “Well, I don’t think I can be very influential necessarily with him, most lighteyes try to ignore him and I doubt anyone would seek his counsel.”

“Then, what is the purpose..”

Shallan held up a finger. “I don’t think I can do much manipulating as Wit, though perhaps if I was as skilled as he it would be possible. Yet, I do think I can gather information as him. Most of the people in that room think he is nothing but an insolent fool, and one does not guard their tongue or stop their conversation for such a person.  I think I could get an idea for what people are saying when they don’t think a Radiant or a Kholin is listening.”

Pattern hummed in an approving manner.

“Besides, I think he’s probably the safest person to imitate. He hasn’t been here for several days, though one can never tell when he may mysteriously reappear. Even if he does though, or if he finds out about what I did later, I have a feeling he will go along with my game- perhaps even appreciate it.”

Pattern gave no more protest and asked no more questions, though she could sense his excited impatience as she took time to change her clothes. She wore tight fitting traveling leggings and one of Veil’s blouses. She left her safehand bare, she had never seen Wit wear gloves. As scandalous as the outfit would be if she were herself, it didn’t embarrass her. She knew she would feel comfortable once she had placed the illusion of Wit’s face and clothes over her own. She had no side sword to wear, so she would have to make that an illusion as well. Finally, she placed a tight fitting bathing cap on her head and tucked her long red hair inside. Wit had rather short hair. Luckily, her blue eyes were a very similar shade to his own, so she had no need to change their color.

She tied a small black pouch around her waist and filled it with spheres. She could not have this illusion running out of stormlight and leaving her exposed as she was. Besides, she needed to supply Vathah and Red with new faces as well.  Finally, she breathed out stormlight, creating the illusion around herself as she had done earlier tonight. Taking a piece from her memory of him, making it her own, and then using it to create something new around her. It was wonderful that she could do this without drawing out every detail first, but the greatest test was still to come. She looked to Pattern, and spoke.

“How do I look?” The voice was Wit’s. Bless the Heralds. She would need to imitate his way of speaking as well, her illusion could only change the sound of it, of course. Luckily, though their encounters had been brief, she had become quickly familiar with his mannerisms. This man from her past- he was captivating. She could not help but note them.

“Mmmm, excellent! Well, what are we waiting for? There is a feast to attend, is there not?”

Shallan smiled and opened the door, noting Vathah and Red. Red looked slightly worried but also ready. Vathah looked enthusiastic.

“This won’t take but a moment.” She breathed in more stormlight and gave them new faces, with skin tones that matched their own. It took her barely any time to create them. It was still similar to when she drew, the images were there, just waiting to be pulled onto the page. Now, she simply no longer needed the page. She would not stop drawing of course, just as the wind would not stop blowing. But her lightweaving would surely benefit from this change.

They walked together to the feast hall but parted before entering. Vathah went in ahead of her. She waited a few moments and then entered herself. Red would wait longer and then enter on his own as well.

She first looked for King Elokhar, only to make sure she avoided him. She wasn’t sure how he and Wit interacted exactly. Did Wit insult him as he did everyone else? She had heard he was meant to be the King’s tool, but she couldn’t see Wit treating him like his liege either. Best to simply avoid the man.

She noted Adolin as she walked in a direction opposite the king. He was sitting with a glass of orange wine and speaking with several other lighteyes including Renarin. She recognized a few of the others as supporters of Dalinar and the King. Perhaps he had done enough politicking for the night. It was good to see him relaxed. His brother always seemed to know how to do that. She would need to learn that as well as his wife.

His wife. They had not talked further about making any plans for marriage. With the Night of Sorrows upon them, such things were not the priority. She felt a fool for ruminating over her love life during such a time of turmoil, but she also could not help it. She had never imagined having any say over whom she married, and was pleasantly surprised by the feelings Adolin had sparked within her. Certainly their marriage was still advantageous. It was just that, well, she didn’t know exactly what it was. He was kind, brave, honorable, and genuine. She could have a good life with him, and she thought she could make him a good wife. There was something he was hiding from her now, but she didn’t want to push him. She had her own secrets, after all.

That was the problem. She thought it likely that Adolin would accept her wholly, all of her secrets included. He had never judged her for being different from the other women he’d courted. He seemed to like her even more every time she had said what she meant rather than what she had calculated. It wasn’t his fault she had not opened up to him, shown him all of herself. She knew he would accept her as she was, yet, she found that she could not be entirely herself around him. If she did, he would see how weak she really was. She did not want to be weak around him, or around anyone, anyone except..

No. No since in thinking of that now.

Shallan let the thoughts drop and walked around the feast as Wit, trying out her disguise on some lesser lighteyes at first. Wit usually insulted those of a higher rank, but no one would be surprised by him being erratic tonight. He never liked to act predictably. She could tell her quips were not of the same level as Wit, but none of her targets  seemed to notice the difference. Most scoffed and strode away after her jibes, a few simply refused to acknowledge her, and one or two actually chuckled a little. Though, she had been insulting their comrades at the time, not them.

She was able to glean the just of many conversations. Most were regarding minor issues, but some had been worth the trouble. She would have to write notes when she returned to her room later and then discuss them with Jasnah and Dalinar. She saw Highprince Hatham a short distance away, looking deep in conversation with an ardent. It seemed like a good conversation to overhear, if possible. She spotted Brigtness Savi near him, speaking with several other highladies from Ruthar’s court.

Perfect. She strode up to the women, they were just within listening range to Vathah and his ardent.

“Ahhh, Lady Savi. How lovely to see you hear. And just when I thought the revelry was winding down.”

Savi glared at her with a look of disgust, as if she had just smelled something putrid.

Good. I was hoping you would be as intolerable as I’d been told. That makes this easier.

She acknowledged him: "Wit. And just when I thought we were to be spared of your foolishness tonight.”

She could hear bits and pieces of Hatham’s conversation behind her, something about a man named Rectesis, Restar... Restaris, was that it? 

“Oh, Brightness, never fear. I would not spare you of such things. Why, without my foolishness whatever would you do for entertainment? Certainly you must be lonely with your husband remaining in Alethekar, and I could not bear to leave you with only the foolishness of your sycophants here.”

She huffed in a very unAlethi-like way and turned back towards the other highladies, obviously choosing to ignore Wit for the moment.

Yes. Restaris. That was the name they were discussing, it seemed he was pleased about something. The ardent was advising Hatham on next steps….

“One more thing, Brightness. Could you ask your guardsmen something for me, the one with the hair like an Iriali. I noticed he had an exceptionally ruffled quality to his hair style as he left your section of the Tower the other day, and I am just wondering how he gets it that way? I would really love to know the secret. As my father always told me, there’s always another secret, you see, and..”

Shallan broke off as Savi turned towards her, daggers in her eyes.

Oh dear. I got a little carried away, didn’t I?  She backed away, claiming she must "away to entertain the masses." 

That was poorly done. Too blunt. It was the truth of course, and the truth was always more painful than any baseless insult. Wit always struck at the truth, but Shallan had been far too blunt with her strike. Wit would have been more subtle, provided less justification for an outright expression of anger. 

Idiot girl. Now she would miss the rest of what Hatham and his ardent were saying. She would certainly need to avoid that group of women for a while. Perhaps she should even warn Wit upon his return to post some guards as he slept in the future here.

Imitating Wit had been fun at first, but it was also rather exhausting. And it had been a long night. She decided she had done enough for the evening, and the feast really was beginning to wind down. She walked again to the exit of the feast hall. Making a slight motion to Red and Vathah who were standing near the trays of food. Hmmm, more willing to sneak a little of the lighteyes food when you’re in disguise, eh?

 She saw Captain Kaladin had spotted her from across the room and was now also walking towards the exit. Well, maybe she wasn’t that exhausted. Kaladin had spent more time with Wit than most. If she could fool him, then she would know she had done well tonight. She whispered to Vathah as he came near:

“Wait in here for a few moments, there’s one more thing I need to do. You can leave shortly and then meet me outside my quarters.” 

Vathah opened his mouth to protest but she stopped him with a glare.

"Very well, be careful."

Chapter Text

 A few turns down empty hallways and then Kaladin stepped up beside her silently. If she hadn’t known he was approaching she would have been alarmed by his sudden appearance. His ability to move soundlessly was a tad annoying, actually. Shouldn’t the Radiant with the powers that could most obviously lend to stealth and subterfuge be the one with the mink-like grace?

She turned to him, cocked her head, and gave a mischievous grin.  

“Well, if it isn’t our hero of ages, Kaladin Stormblessed! And how is your evening proceeding, Bright One?”

“Bright One?” She was sure she was displaying Wit’s characteristic twinkling eyes now. If there was ever something to rattle the bridgeman, it was referring to him as a lighteyes. “I’m no Bright One, Wit, and you know it. Surely my eyes aren’t even glowing right now, I’ve been idle for the last 2 days.”

Shallan raised an eyebrow. “Idle? I do not think that is a word I would ever use to describe you, Kaladin Gloombringer. No, you may have not been using much stormlight as of late, but I am certain you were not idle.”

“Gloombringer?” Kaladin looked in her eyes, a slight suspicion growing.

Storms, did no one else ever call him Gloombringer? Well, that was an honest mistake. She couldn’t hold herself accountable for gaps in others’ vocabularies. Best to change the subject quickly, though, before he thought too much on it.

“Very well, shall I call you Dark One then? Or Dark Lord perhaps? That one has a catchy ring to it, don’t you think?”

Kaladin sighed. “Listen, I need to talk to you. I’m sure I’ll end up more confused by it, but I’m not sure who else to turn to.”

Shallan looked around for Syl but couldn’t find her, perhaps she felt similarly to Pattern regarding Wit. She wondered what could be bothering Kaladin that he and Syl could not handle alone, or why he would seek out Wit over someone like Dalinar. Then again, she had been waiting for another story from Wit, herself. Perhaps Kaladin knew something of them as well.

Two blind men waited at the end of an era

“It’s rather personal, can I trust you to remain silent as you have before?”

Well this was interesting. There was a part of her that itched to hear what Kaladin wanted to discuss, but she knew it wasn’t right. She needed to avoid him divulging to her but she was hesitant to tell him who she really was. In this moment she was Wit, or at least a part of him she had created. It wasn’t like Veil, a woman who was another version of Shallan. It was invigorating, transforming. She wasn’t ready to drop it just yet. How would she keep him from continuing, though. Distract him, make an excuse and get away. Wit is always disappearing mysteriously.

“Dark Lord it is! Now, I’m sorry, Kaladin. Though your personal revelations are, I’m sure, profound, I have somewhere else I really must be right now. “ She turned and started walking away. Hopefully Vathah and Red would exit the feast soon. She wasn’t sure what would happen to their illusory faces once she was a further distance from them.

“Wit, listen, this is important.” He grabbed her arm and turned her to face him. He looked into her eyes again. He had to look down.

Storms, she hadn’t considered how much taller Wit was than she. Would he notice? No one else at the feast had said anything, though she had made sure to converse with those whom Wit did not often engage.

He narrowed his eyes. Of course, Kaladin would notice. He’s Kaladin.

“Listen” Shallan started to say, still in Wit’s voice.

He took her by the shoulders and shoved her backwards. “Who are you?” He demanded. Kelek, but he did look dangerous like this.

Suddenly his expression changed. He relaxed a bit and started grinning. Then he burst into loud laughter.

What? Storming man, what is he…

She saw puffs of stormlight from where she had stood before he pushed her. She hadn’t thought of what would happen if someone shoved her like that. It hadn’t happened since the mad man had seen her surgebind months ago.

She could feel her face growing red with embarrassment. She probably did look fairly ridiculous in the bath hat, and the rest of her....

She saw him look down casually. She whipped her hands behind her back. Kaladin had stopped laughing. In fact, he had quite the blush going as well. She had never seen him blush before. They looked each other in the eyes briefly.

Kaladin straightened and turned around.  Shallan let her hair out of his cap. She could change back into Wit, she supposed, but she didn’t want to anymore.

“Can I borrow your coat?”

Kaladin cleared his throat. “Yes, yes of course.” He took it off and held it out behind him, eyes still on the wall in front of her.

“Thank you.” His arms were so long she had no trouble sliding the left sleeve over her safe hand. She bundled the extra fabric in her hand.

“You can turn around now.”

Kaladin turned to her. “I’m sorry, Shallan. I didn’t realize..I.” He stammered. “Did I hurt you at all?”

“Storms, no, don’t worry. I’m a Radiant remember? Strong as a chasmfiend.” She smiled at him. “Besides, it’s good to know I need to work on my imitations a bit. I can’t believe I forgot to take into account his storming long legs.”

He chuckled, relaxing. “You also called me Gloombringer. I should have known it was you. I wasn’t thinking.”

“I hadn’t realized how difficult it would be to impersonate the man, honestly. He’s so…”

“Annoying?” Kaladin replied. “Shallan, you’re plenty capable in that area.” He was smiling again.

Storms, he looked good with a smile on his face, and a remaining hint of a blush on his tan cheeks.  

She didn’t smile back, she didn’t feel like being lighthearted in this moment, regardless of how good it looked on Kaladin.

“No, I was going to say that he is so controlled. True wit is controlled wit, as Jasnah has told me. Wit is always in control of a conversation. I don’t think I will ever be able to control my tongue that well” She looked up at him, “or my emotions.”

They stood there, looking at each other for a long moment. Kaladin was no longer smiling. He gently touched her cheek, letting his fingers slide down her face, tucking a strand of her red hair behind her ear.

“Brightness, there you are, bless the Heralds. Vathah and I have been searching for you. We were worried when you weren’t back at your room..” Red stopped as he realized Shallan was not alone.

Kaladin had stiffened and had his hands back to his sides, on guard again. His eyes reflected shame, though whether it was his, hers, or theirs both she did not know. She wondered what he saw in her eyes. She wasn't sure what she felt right now. 

“Uhh, Lord Radiant, sir.” Red nodded to Kaladin. He looked in turn at both of them, noting Kaladin’s cobalt blue jacket covering her.

“Hello, Red. How long did your illusion last once I left? Did it remain at least until you exited I hope?”

“Yes, Brightness.” Red looked relieved to be discussing something other than his awkward arrival.

“Captain Kaladin and I were just discussing my training for tomorrow. He was also kind enough to lend me his jacket once I dispelled my illusion.”

She looked to Kaladin. “Lord Radiant? Hmmm, no I still think Dark Lord is better, don’t you?”

“Yes.” He grinned again. “Yes, I think that is more fitting. Keep my jacket for the night, Shallan, you can return it to me tomorrow. Training with Zahel starts at dawn.”

“Dawn?” Shallan could not hide the desperation from her voice.

He laughed softly. “Just checking to make sure you were you. We’ll see you at the same hour as our last training.” He inclined his head to her, something he rarely did to any lighteyes since the Everstorm had begun. “Goodnight Shallan.”  

“Goodnight, Kaladin.”

Shallan and Red found Vathah on the way back to her room. They stayed outside as she entered, their replacements really should be here soon now. She sat on the floor and leaned against a wall, exhausted from the evening’s events. Pattern hummed beside her.

“I know. I can’t keep all the lies. I know, Pattern.” She leaned her head back and looked upwards, slow tears beginning to fall. “But what does it matter? What good is this truth, Pattern? If I act on it, what will that do? What of Adolin? Do you not think I see how he teeters on the edge of a plateau?”

She knew it was arrogant of her to think that Adolin would succumb to the darkness the way her father had if she ended their betrothal.  Arrogant to think his fate would be decided based upon their relationship. It was wrong, too. Adolin was strong, and he deserved more than what she could give him now.

But she was used to being the light, to keeping her family afloat. What would it do to her if her actions brought darkness upon someone? Again.

There was also something else. Selfish, but she couldn’t pretend that it did not matter. She wanted to be a member of the Kholin family in truth, to be bound to them. Even more so as her brothers approached. She loved them, she loved her family, but they were not whole. She wasn’t sure they had ever been whole.

And what will you tell your brothers when they do arrive, Shallan? Will you tell them of Mother?

The tears were coming steadily now, but she would not sob as she had before. These were not new truths to her.

“What good is all this truth, Pattern? What do I do with it? Is it enough that I know the truth, or must I share it? What good is truth to others if it brings them nothing but pain? What good is it to me?”

She wanted to hide from it again, but she couldn’t afford to. Not when so many were depending on her. Pattern hummed morosely. He did not know the answers, could not tell her the answers. It was not the nature of their bond. Not the nature of truth to have it told you by another.

Truth is individual

Words from her past, from a memory in a garden..

“I love him. Kaladin Stormblessed. But it doesn’t matter, does it Pattern?”

Pattern gave no reply.