Work Text:
Dazai had just one thought as he sat down at his desk, eyes locked onto the pill bottle he held in his trembling hands.
‘Finally.’
Dazai was cursed from the beginning of his life, he was to never have a normal life, from that day at the doctors, to what he remembers of his elementary school years to the port mafia to present time.
He was wrong.
He had pushed it off, fooling himself that one day he'd have a reason, a reason to stay, and live, a reason to be happy.
When Chuuya Nakahara walked into his life, he was sure this was the day. The bold ginger proved to be a great partner in crime, but nothing more.
Dazai craved to have friends, the feeling of love, not romantic or sensual, but loving and caring in a way that would make life a bit brighter. He thought he'd have found that in Chuuya, the two hanging out as youth.
If he had not heard Chuuya's own voice on the subject, he would have fooled himself into thinking they were friends.
“That bastard? He's not my friend.” As he scoffed while talking to one of his subordinates/friends.
Dazai didn't mean to overhear.
He scolded himself internally.
Of course he wouldn't want to be your friend.
You're the demon prodigy.
Cold, and unloveable.
Awkward and stoic.
Unapproachable.
He tightened his grasp as he walked away, slinking back into the shadows without ever being noticed.
Chuuya noticed the brunette's withdrawal and change in personality, but shrugged it off, after all, Dazai always had these episodes.
This memory plagued him, even to this day gnawing in his head.
Dazai's first interaction with friendship would have had to be with Oda, Oda was the first one to really treat him as just.. human. Not the demon prodigy, not Mori's puppet, just.. Dazai.
Then that was taken from him.
He was never meant to have friends, that was on him, really.
He should have known getting close would have ended in misfortune.
He was Dazai, as long as he was Dazai, life would never be merciful, for the act of living itself was an irredeemable sin.
He was about to make a saint out of himself soon enough.
He thought back to the agency, who had treated him with care, he wasn't stupid enough to think it was personal, they’re good people and it's what good people do, it doesn ' t mean they're friends.
Especially with the trouble he caused.
“Damnit Dazai. You never do your work, you expect others to do your bidding, you come in whenever and you just sit and act as a jester! Why even come in at this point, you contribute nothing to here, and certainly nothing to society… just get out.” Kunikida snapped.
Dazai knew that was his fault, even if Kunikida had apologized, Dazai had no reason why, it was the truth after all.
He hated the way he was.
He hated the days he couldn't make it out of his bed, the days he'd scroll his instagram only to be met with stories of his friends meeting up and having fun.
It was bittersweet, he was happy for them but.. he couldn't help but feel jealous.
He wanted friendship.
He wanted to be loved.
That was all he wanted in this world, but he was selfish to think that he would be able to get that in this lifetime.
Dazai quickly snapped out of his thoughts, attention back to the pills.
He didn't bother leaving a note, he didn't want any physical evidence of what he was about to do, he didn't want to risk being caught.
He carefully unscrewed the cap, watching the pills pour out into his hand.
Carefully, he started ingesting the pills, the feeling going down his throat was harsh, making him feel sick, but he knew this needed to be done, he needed to rid the world of himself. He contributed nothing. The world would stay spinning, without him.
Dizzy, he set up his blade, pressing it to his bare skin and letting the cold metal sink in, tearing the delicate skin.
He felt cold as blood poured out, he could tell that this was it.
He felt sorry he couldn't be of more use to the agency, but this was his one last act of service, to save them.
His breath drew sharp as his vision blurred.
He closed his eyes, anticipating what was to come. He never really thought dying would be so peaceful somehow through all the pain, but he was grateful for it.
His mind started blanking, as he struggled to breathe then-
Silence.
The distant sound of a door being broken and urgent running, and a thud was all Dazai heard before the last sign of life drew from his breath.