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There was only one star shining through the fog that night, its light pulsing through the clouds and faintly shining through Kenny McCormick’s bedroom window. It was late at night, but he couldn’t sleep. He was too drawn in by this lone star twinkling alone.
Alone.
Kenny knew a thing or two about being alone. In fact, he had known loneliness quite well for the last three years. The fucking miserable, lonely, horrible, fucked up past three years that had been completely ruined by the stupid pandemic.
The pandemic was long over, and life had gone back to the way it was before. At least, on the surface, it had. The world had opened back up again, face masks were few and far between, and online school was a thing of the past. It resembled the world it used to be before the pandemic took over and destroyed everything.
Before it had essentially destroyed Kenny’s life.
While many things had gone back to normal, Kenny’s life was far from what it had been. Underneath the return of normalcy, there was a hurt created by the pandemic, a hurt he carried close to his heart and that felt like it was eating him from the inside out. It was the kind of heartbreak that time couldn’t mend, a wound that still felt as fresh as the day it happened.
As he sat alone in the night, the words leading up to this heartbreak played on repeat in his mind, a broken record that cut through the silence and that he couldn’t turn off, no matter how badly he wanted to.
"Will you shut up about that!? Nobody cares about your stupid broship!"
But Kenny did care. He didn’t want it to fall apart. Stan, Kyle, and even Cartman, those three were like family to him. Fuck, they were a better family to him than his actual family was. They were the people who loved and supported him through his childhood, when his parents loved beer and more than they loved their children, when his brother only cared about his own survival and left Kenny and Karen to fend for themselves, when Kenny had to step up to be the parent Karen needed, when his own age was in the single digits. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman were his escape from it all, and they just…left.
Kenny still remembered how he burst into tears in the school bathroom the day those words left Kyle’s mouth. Those tears would be nothing compared to the ones he would cry by himself in the near future.
"You guys are being selfish! You're not thinking about what's best for the broship. You're thinking about what's best for you."
It sounded weird, but Kenny missed Kyle’s anger. And his laugh, and his loyalty, and his willingness to fight for what he felt was right. He just missed Kyle, point blank. He missed how he would fight with Cartman over just about anything, the bond with Stan that everyone thought would be completely unbreakable, the way he was always there for Kenny when he needed it. There was just so much to miss that Kenny couldn’t handle the hurt of it all when he thought about it for too long.
Once middle school started, the two of them didn’t see much of each other anymore. In some ways, it was a relief. Fifth grade was difficult, with the two of them in the same class and falling apart as the year went on. The space between them once they were in sixth grade should’ve, in theory, been an aid in helping Kenny forget about everything that had happened in the past year and a half. It didn’t work, though. If anything, the pain cut deeper because of the distance.
"Look, let's just face it, you guys. We don't trust each other and we don't like each other. We can't keep pretending."
Stan. Stan Marsh. Fucking Stan was the one to deliver that blow. The one that he thought would actually stay, even after everything fell apart. And he tried to stay for Kenny’s sake, tried to keep him close, truly and genuinely tried.
But then he burned down Tegridy Farms, accidentally killing his sister and inadvertently driving his mother to suicide.
Stan and his father left town after that and, to the best of Kenny’s knowledge, nobody heard from him again. Kenny had tried to contact him for a time after he left, but soon gave up after being met with nothing but radio silence for months.
Rumors flew through the halls about Stan’s disappearance. Some said his father handed him off to some relatives in the wake of the family’s tragedies. Some claimed that the remaining Marsh’s had started over in Utah or Wyoming or some other nearby state. Kenny didn’t care for the rumors though. Speculating about Stan’s whereabouts only drove the hurt of his absence home, and it was already painful enough without thinking about the endless what-ifs of it all.
“Alright, guys. I guess it's time we all had the talk we never wanted to have.”
Surprisingly, it was Cartman that put the most effort into trying to hold everything together. It was a rare moment of him caring for his soon to be ex-friends, a glimmer of kindness under all of his cruelty, and Kenny held onto it for dear life until it slipped from his fingers and he crashed back down to reality.
Even more surprisingly, Cartman was the one who tried the hardest to stay by Kenny’s side when everything was said and done. Neither one of them seemed to want to let go of the other, until Cartman finally cut that cord for good near the end of sixth grade. Kenny couldn’t exactly blame him for it, he had new friends and was happy with his life. Even if it hurt to be left in the dust, Kenny couldn’t hate the guy for being happy.
He could let his heart ache over the fact that Cartman seemed to be happier than he ever was with him, Kyle, and Stan, though. Were they not good enough for him before things fell apart? Was he not happy with their friendship? Was that why he was so angry and hateful all the time? But then why did he fight for them to stay together? None of it made sense to Kenny, and he didn’t want to untangle the fucked up pieces of his mind Cartman had left behind.
“We can't just force things for Kenny's sake. It's not good for us and it's not good for him.”
He heard those words despite the headphones and movie Cartman gave him to keep him from hearing their conversation. He really did try to shield him, protect him from everyone else’s anger, in a manner that still shocked Kenny to this day. How very unlike Cartman to spare his feelings, genuinely try to spare them?
It didn’t work, he could still hear them loud and clear over the sounds of Madagascar 3. Fuck, he couldn’t even bear to watch that stupid movie ever again, after all of this.
There was some truth to those words. It wasn’t good for any of them to carry on in their lives with the way things were going. The tensions between them were bubbling up like a volcano about to erupt, and sure enough, they did erupt and destroy everything. But why couldn’t they have tried to stop the explosion? Why couldn’t they have done something to try to fix things before they hit the breaking point? Was talking it out that impossible of a task? Was it so hard to listen, to forgive?
Kenny wasn’t sure about any of that, and he wasn’t sure if he would ever be truly sure.
“I guess it is what's best for everybody.”
No. No it wasn’t. Splitting up was not best for everybody. Bouncing Kenny between them like a child of divorce was not best for everybody. It all just led to more pain, people disappearing from each other’s lives, and barely salvaged friendships dying off one by one until there was nothing left to hold onto. How was that “best for everybody” in any way?
Kenny had no answer to that. He wasn’t sure if he ever would, if he were to be completely honest.
Over the past three years, Kenny really did try to move on, as his former best friends fell out of his life one by one. He honestly and truthfully tried. He became closer friends with Butters Stotch, and would probably even call him his best friend if he was brave enough to use those words again.
He didn’t dare say them, though. He didn’t even want to think them, like admitting he had a best friend would jinx the relationship and cause it to fall apart.
In the absence of his old friends, Kenny did find himself getting closer to Craig Tucker and Tweek Tweak as well. The two, particularly Craig, were not all that fond of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman, but never had much of an issue with Kenny. Without the others around, they seemed to find him rather alright, and more or less took him in when Kenny was freshly alone. After all, they seemed to be feeling the sting of fractured friendships Kenny had grown familiar with. Clyde and Jimmy all but left the two of them for Cartman, and Tolkien had started to keep to himself more once the pandemic came to an end. They too had a void to fill, and Kenny was right there and available to fill it.
Craig and Tweek were good friends to have, even if Kenny felt like he was their third wheel from time to time. The three of them stuck together, and they refused to let stupid arguments tear them apart at the seams.
Still, it just wasn’t the same to Kenny as having his old friends back would be. These new friendships and new adventures didn’t quite give him the same rush that Stan, Kyle, and Cartman did, and Kenny just couldn’t bring himself to adapt to that. Nothing could quite fill the three holes left in his heart by those three boys, even if he made new friends, made new memories, tried to laugh, faked some smiles, and tried to pretend that it wasn’t slowly killing him from the inside out.
These losses were a bitter pill to swallow, and Kenny always felt like he choked on said pill every time it tried to slip down his throat.
Kenny sighed and turned back to the window to watch the lone star in the sky again. It sounded stupid, but he could relate to that star. Shining alone, untouchable, no one around to see it.
But when Kenny looked back out his window, the star was no longer there. Instead, there was a familiar boy standing outside, blocking the starlight he had been admiring. Tousled brown hair, pale skin, blue eyes, and a large build not only blocked Kenny’s view of the star, but sent his heart racing against his ribcage like a bird in a cage. This was not in fear, though, but in shock.
After all, why the fuck would Eric Cartman be at his window, especially when they could likely both agree that they weren’t friends anymore?
Part of Kenny wanted to pull the curtains shut and pretend like Cartman was never there. Why would he let him in when he was pushed out of his life? Why should he open up his home to someone who broke his heart. Doing so felt like nothing but an invitation to be shattered even more than he already was, and he wasn’t sure if he had it in him to deal with that.
But on the other hand, there was a longing deep in Kenny’s heart, one that was practically begging him to open the window. That was an old friend outside, and that simple fact struck some sort of nostalgia that Kenny kept hidden deep within himself, a nostalgia for better times, when he was nine years old and nothing bad had happened yet.
Plus, he knew better than to ignore Cartman. He had seen with his own eyes the terrors that the boy was capable of when he didn’t get his way.
And so Kenny opened the window wide enough to speak to Cartman, letting a blast of cold winter air into his room. “Eric, what the hell are you doing here?” he hissed through the crack.
There was no calling him Cartman for him. Not when their friendship had been long shattered.
“Goddamnit, took you long enough, Kenny! Let me in, it’s freezing out here!” Cartman hissed back.
Kenny froze at Cartman’s comment. Did he really want to let him in? Was this a good idea? He knew he should, but would it be worth it in the end? Or would he be left to choke on that same bitter pill that gagged him again and again, this time more potent than it had ever been before?
“What do you want?” Kenny eventually asked, voice low.
“I just want to talk. Kenny, let me the fuck in, I swear to God.”
“And why should I listen to you?”
Part of Kenny was begging and pleading with him to just open the window wider, hear Cartman out, let him back into his life. But at the same time, he was scared. He didn’t want to get hurt again. He still wasn’t anywhere near healed from the first time.
“Kenny, please. I need to talk to you. Please,” Cartman pleaded, and Kenny felt a pang in his heart at those words. Cartman never begged like that. Not when he was being genuine, not when he was being manipulated.
That was how Kenny knew he needed to let Cartman in. With a sigh, he opened the window wide enough for the large boy to squeeze his way through.
Moments later, they were face to face, standing in Kenny’s room, and Kenny could feel his heart constricting as he looked Cartman in the eyes. Those bright blue eyes, eyes that were once his. They were transplanted to Cartman from Kenny after one of his many childhood deaths.
Kenny knew Cartman remembered his deaths, but they never talked about that. It was one of those facts that just sat in silence between the two when they were close, and something that had seemed to be buried when they drifted. Did Cartman still remember? Did he care? Kenny wasn’t sure if he wanted to open those cans of worms, scared that something like that would just cause more harm than what had already been done to their friendship.
“Why are you here?” Kenny finally dared to ask, breaking the quiet tension between them.
Cartman sighed and looked away, and Kenny could tell he was trying to gather his thoughts.
As the seconds ticked by, Kenny was feeling more and more anxious as Cartman continued to find the right words to say. He needed to know why his old friend was here. Was this nothing but a visit meant to fuck with Kenny’s head, or did it mean something? He had to know, and he had to know now.
“Spit it out, Eric,” Kenny said, just wanting to get this interaction moving.
“Alright, alright, it’s just that-” Cartman paused and took a breath, deciding what to say next. “-I have some shit I need to get off of my chest, I guess.”
Kenny frowned. It was very unlike Cartman to be vulnerable like this. Sure, he hadn’t said much, but he always held onto his loudly hateful persona almost like it was the one thing keeping him together. Maybe it really was, but Kenny wouldn’t know that for sure. And why would he be like this around him, anyway? He had Clyde, he had Jimmy, he had that other guy in their little group too, the Hispanic boy. Why would he come to Kenny with his problems, unless…?
“Is this about fourth grade?”
Cartman looked taken aback for a moment, but quickly regained himself and nodded. “Yeah. Kenny, listen, I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry for everything. You don’t have to believe me, I know it’s hard to believe that I, of all people, feel like this. But I do, and I just…I…I think I needed to let that out.”
Three years ago, Kenny likely would’ve laughed in Cartman’s face for such an apology. A genuine apology from the boy was a once in a blue moon occurrence. But there was something in the way Cartman tripped on his words and the shakiness of his voice at some parts that told Kenny that this was real. He really did feel bad for everything. After all, he fought the hardest for his friendships, and was the only one who tried to shield Kenny from the repercussions of the fallout, wasn’t he?
Kenny didn’t know what to say? Should he try to bring his old friend some comfort? That could backfire quite badly, if he was the same boy he had known three years ago. Even if he did try to comfort Cartman, he didn’t know what to say. There were too many thoughts in his head that he could barely make sense of in that moment, and he didn’t have the words to get them out. Should he speak his mind on the issue? Should he say it was all okay? Should he accept the apology? Should the two of them talk about it?
Before Kenny could call the shots on where this conversation was going, Cartman continued speaking, more things evidently pressing on his mind. “I didn’t want the broship to sink like that, Kenny. I really didn’t. I was willing to do anything to keep it afloat, but I couldn’t. I just-”
“I know,” Kenny interrupted, finally finding the right words to say. They weren’t much, but they were true. He knew Cartman tried, and he couldn’t deny the effort that was put in, even if it was fruitless at the end.
Kenny could almost chuckle at that thought. Wasn’t that how Cartman’s schemes always ended? But it wasn’t the time for humor, and he was too much of a mental mess over his current situation to laugh, anyways.
“I know you know. You never seemed to hold it against me when we were still close, y’know. Sometimes it kind of felt like you should’ve, but you never did. And it’s just fucked up. It feels like I expected you to hate me, or to think I was in it for myself only, but you never did, Kenny. You never hated me for it, did you?”
Kenny was shocked. He had been friends with Cartman for six years, and could count on less than half a hand how many times he had seen him showing this much vulnerability. And not fake vulnerability either, that he would need at least five times as many hands to count the occurrences of. This was real, raw, heartfelt, and Kenny still didn’t know what to do about it.
Once upon a time, something would’ve come to him, but he didn’t know how to approach this. Was that what happened when you became strangers with someone? Did you forget how to hold them in the darker moments, how to care for them when feelings were high? Did the passage of time freeze something in Kenny’s heart?
Kenny sighed, before deciding that he needed to respond with the truth, and nothing but the truth. “You’re right, Eric. I never did hate you for it. I never hated any of you for it, but you least of all. How can I, man? You tried to shield me from everything. I know you tried, and I don’t think I ever thanked you for that, did I? I really am thankful for it, y’know.”
Kenny wasn’t completely sure where half of the words he spoke came from, but he knew he meant them, and that they came from somewhere deep in his heart.
“It feels like you should though. I was a goddamn asshole back then, dude. Let’s face it, was I ever decent to you? I wasn’t. I was always ripping on you for being poor, and was worse than that when dealing with your deaths. I lied about trying to save you with stem cell research so that I could build my own Shakey’s, Kenny. I tried to get the plug pulled on you so that I could have your fucking Playstation. I drank your fucking ashes once, dude, and I know that it was an accident but still. I’ve always been the self serving asshole of our friendship, Kenny, and it never worked out for me in the end. And then everything is going to shit and I tried. I tried to be a good friend, for once, and of course, it just fucking-”
“Dude, I know. I get it. It’s fine-” Kenny cut Cartman off, but Cartman regained control of his ranting rather quickly.
“I did it for you, Kenny. I did it for you, and because of you. I could live without the stupid fucking Jew boy and his boyfriend, they could’ve ran away to fuck each other in the woods or something for all I care. But I couldn’t lose you, Ken. This is going to sound so stupid, but you really were my best friend, dude. You were the only one of us that actually put up with me time and time again, you know that? That really meant a lot, but I never knew how to show it. I know I was an asshole to you, but I cared about you. I really did. I still do. I never wanted to lose you, and I’m sorry that I did. I just…I miss you.”
Cartman sounded almost like he was on the verge of tears, but Kenny knew he wouldn’t let them fall. If he really meant all of this, he would keep his tears bottled up until they had him nearly ready to explode.
And Kenny could tell that Cartman meant everything. He could see it in his eyes. Those eyes used to have a sparkle in them when they were kids, a boyish hint of joy, or perhaps mischief. Now they were cold and dead, like ice. Kenny had seen the same change in his own eyes, the eyes that him and Cartman shared. No wonder Kenny could see the same patterns, with that fact in the back of his mind.
It was then that he truly understood that he was not the only one the past years had taken a toll on. Cartman had felt the effects of this heartbreak too, his words and his disposition were evidence of that. Shit, even his actions in fourth grade in the midst of it all could be considered evidence of genuity.
Kenny didn't remember going to hug Cartman. All he knew was that his arms were around the larger boy, hands lightly clutching the fabric of a red jacket not unlike the one he always wore as a kid.
It was mere seconds until Cartman’s arms were around Kenny in return, and the two of them were whispering apologies, reassurances, remnants of deep buried feelings and words of comfort back and forth. It was rare to get this kind of affection out of Eric Cartman, but it was meaningful.
In fact, it was the most meaningful thing Kenny had felt from one of his peers in forever. This hug was slowly filling some of the holes in his heart that his new friends and new life were unable to fix. It was enough to numb the hurt of it all, even if it would only be temporary.
Kenny already knew that this would not fix everything. Deep down, he knew that once this interaction was said and done that things would return to how they were. They would go on ignoring each other, their old friend group would still be in shambles, and this would never be spoken of again. But Kenny could tell that it meant a lot to Cartman that he was able to get his feelings off his chest, and it helped Kenny that he was able to reveal some of his own, too.
“If I could go back in time and fix it all, I would,” Cartman said, hardly loud enough for Kenny to hear him. “If I could have another chance to stop the broship from falling apart, I would take it.”
“Me too,” Kenny whispered back, hugging him tighter.
Me too.
In that moment, as the two boys embraced, Kenny knew something else. He knew that he had to find a way to fix the damage that had been done to their old friendships. He couldn’t keep living with the hurt of it all, and he knew now that it was eating Cartman alive too. Even if they became strangers again after this night, something had to be done to repair their shared hurt.
And right then, in his mind, Kenny made a promise to Cartman, a promise that he would swear on his life that he would never break.
I will find a way to fix this, Eric. I will, and I promise, even if it kills me.