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“Pads, you need to get some rest,” James urges him as he walks over to him. Peter was already probably fast asleep. Sirius never understood how that man could sleep so heavily at night, but he had to admit that it must have been easier for someone who’d never wondered if every time you heard your house creak if it would be the last time you heard it.
“You want to be able to think tomorrow,” James continues, a yawn playing on His lips.
Sirius remains unmoved and blows out a puff of smoke from his place perched on the windowsill. “I can function with no sleep.”
He’d done it before.
“The fuck you can, you tosser.” James nudges him carefully. “Come on, at least an hour of rest. Then you can visit Moons.”
Sirius takes a deep breath. “Just… let me finish this won’t you?”
James is quiet for a moment before sighing softly. “Fine.” He joins Sirius on the windowsill. Sirius tries to avoid his gaze by looking out the window and watching the sky slowly lighten, but he still feels it piercing into him. “What’s bothering you?”
There it is.
“Nothing.”
“That’s a load of Hippogriff shit.”
Sirius snorts. “I think the phrase Lily uses is horseshit?”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. My point still stands… Is this about the cuddling last night?”
Sirius flushes and takes another deep puff of his cigarette. “No…”
“You’re a horrible liar.”
“I’m too tired to lie right now,” Sirius refutes and plays with a loose string on his pjs.
“You know, if it makes you uncomfortable, I can just try and move you apart with my antlers. It may not work the first time, but the second probably could-”
“No, no. It was fine,” Sirius explains, meeting his eyes for the first time in their conversation. “I wasn’t uncomfortable, I was…”
He looks away and James lets out a puff of air almost like a laugh.
“You liked it, didn’t you?”
Sirius bites his lip and looks down. He grimaces before nodding. No use in denying it. James Potter could read him like a book, and while times he was grateful for that quality, it meant he had to talk about his feelings less because James seemed to innately know, there were times it was a curse rather than a blessing.
He curls in on himself as he stubs out the cigarette, but James doesn’t seem as focused on them getting to bed quite yet.
“You could always tell him, you know.”
“No. You know how worried he is about the wolf. He’d be freaked out that he hurt me last night, no matter how silly that would be.”
“I didn’t mean that.” James gives him a look that reminds Sirius eerily of Mrs. Potter. “It’s okay to feel this way, Pads. I know your parents may say differently, but they’re kinda wrong about a lot of things.”
“That’s a nice way of putting it.”
“You’re too tired to lie. I’m too tired to get angry right now.” Sirius snorts at that and rolls his eyes affectionately. “Still. It’s alright to have feelings for someone. It’s quite adorable actually. You get all soft around him.”
Sirius scrunches his nose up. “I do not get soft.”
“Yes you do.” James pokes his shoulder. Sirius pokes him back and James laughs. “I’m glad that you have someone you want to open up to on that level. It’s good for you. You won’t always be able to have me, so it’s good you’ll have someone else looking after you.”
“Who says I won’t always have you?" Sirius’s eyes narrow and James laughs again.
“You’re deferring from the point aren’t you?.. Look. Think of it this way. Moony approached Padfoot, right?” Sirius nods. “You and I have always noticed a pattern with Remus and Moony. They are connected emotionally. However Remus feels before he transforms is how the wolf will act.”
“So what you’re saying is I should put my entire friendship with Remus on the line because his subconscious as Moony seeked out Padfoot?”
“Well, when you put it that way it sounds stupid.”
Sirius sighs heavily at that before reminding himself it’s only James. James would never use this against him.
“I understand what you’re saying, I do, but Remus is special to me. He’s too important for me to lose. I know how it feels to live without him and I can’t…”
James quiets his fighting at the mention of that incident from the year prior. Sirius never fully got over his betrayal, and he honestly wondered deep down if any of them, especially Remus, would ever truly forgive his mistake.
“I can’t do that again, Prongs,” Sirius chokes out. “I really can’t. Not when I feel so strongly about him.”
There’s a pause before James speaks again. “Oh Merlin… you love him, don’t you?”
Sirius swallows hard before shakily nodding, knowing he’d be unable to speak those words aloud himself. It made sense James would though, he loved fully and with everything he had. Sirius sometimes wished he could love so carelessly.
“If it reached that point, I would watch him marry someone else if it meant I got to keep a little sliver of him in my life. I’d do anything to keep a part of him, even if it means I’m not getting what I want.”
“Fuck. Maybe we should go to bed. I am not properly awake enough for the seriousness of this conversation.”
They both pause and look at each other, as if waiting for one of them to make the inevitable joke, before bursting out into laughter.
Sirius sighs, feeling slightly hysterical when he tells him, “I’m so completely fucked, Prongs.”
“Welcome to the club, mate.” James claps him on the shoulder. “It’ll all be worth it someday.”
“Will it?” Sirius asks softly.
“I sure hope so.” James gives him a sad smile. “I don’t want to spend years with this ache in my chest.”
Sirius nods with a sad lingering feeling in his chest as well. “I know how you feel…”
***
Sirius awakes Christmas morning to warmth. He remembers for an instant the days when he woke up to cold and craved the warm fires of Hogwarts. When he pines for the comfort of his friends. When he longed for Remus’s smile.
It was colder these days with the war continuing around them, but now, he was by the fire. For the first time in months, he felt safe.
Remus stirs behind him and Sirius smiles to himself, loving the groggy movements of his boyfriend of three years. Remus gently moves his hand that was resting under his shirt up from his stomach to over his heart.
“Be careful with it,” Sirius mumbles and Remus chuckles, sleep still coating his voice.
“Don’t worry. I like the weight of your heart in my hands. I’ll keep it safe.”
Sirius smiles to himself and slowly turns around for more cuddles. “Sap.”
“Mhmm, you love it though.”
Sirius hums in acknowledgment. “I love the man it’s coming from too.”
Remus chuckles softly, his hand rising up underneath his jaw. “I love you too, darling.” Sirius sighs against their lips as Remus kisses him. He pulls him close and Sirius easily melts into his embrace.
He slowly opens his eyes and sighs, enjoying the sight of his Moony gazing down at him with adoration in his eyes.
“Good morning,” Sirius says softly. Remus grins and Sirius swears the room gets a few shades brighter.
“Good morning, baby. How’d you sleep?"
“Great, but I always sleep well in your arms, so.” Sirius reaches out around his torso and pulls him close so he can hold him again. Remus laughs and rocks him gently in his arms.
“You know, I told Prongs a few years ago before I ran away and before we were dating that I’d watch you get married to someone else if it meant keeping you in my life.” Sirius laughs and shakes his head. “God, how could I ever think I only needed a part of you? Now all I want is all of you.” Sirius cups his face. “I mean, look at you. You’re bloody gorgeous, Moony.”
Remus blushes and pushes his shoulder slightly. “Stop it.”
“Never. My Moons deserves to know how beautiful he is.”
Remus sighs and twirls some strands of Sirius’s dark locks around his finger. “You already know how pretty you are.”
“Maybe so, but it feels incredible when you say it,” Sirius admits.
Remus smiles and looks up into his eyes. “You are ethereal, baby. Absolutely divine. I’m so lucky I get to wake up to an angel in my bed every morning.”
“Remus,” Sirius whispers and Remus simply smiles. He gives him another kiss and Sirius leans into him.
“Baby,” Remus mumbles and Sirius sinks into his arms. “Prongs and Lils are probably awake already.”
“So?”
“So… you know how he gets about presents. We should probably go and make sure he hasn’t opened any without us.”
“I know, but… I love cuddling with you like this.”
“Oh love, we’ll have all day for me to hold you. I promise I’ll stay nearby, alright?”
Sirius sighs before relenting. “Oh alright… but I want all your attention.”
Remus smirks slightly as he gently helps him out of the bed. “You always have all my attention, my love.” Remus lifts his hand to his lips and gives Sirius a smile.
Sirius feels his heart ache in a new way as he wraps his arms around Remus and holds him tightly.
“I’m so glad you’re with me today.”
Remus lets out a slow exhale and squeezes him tightly. “You know I hate leaving you.”
“I do… I know you have to go, but I hate it. I get so worried about you.”
“Shh, I know, I know.” Remus rocks him in his arms again and Sirius wishes they could stay like this forever. He wished he could pretend for a little while that the world around them wasn’t falling apart. Yet it was always there at the back of his mind, creeping in on him in his worst moments.
“I love you,” Sirius whispers, squeezing Remus around his waist to Lee the darkness at bay. Remus squeezes him back just as tight.
“I love you too. So incredibly much.” Remus rests his head on Sirius’s. “One day… One day we’ll be able to have this. Us together without worries besides if Moony will hurt me worse one night out of the month.”
Sirius holds onto him tighter. “I want you to come home to me… I get scared when you don’t come back for a while that this time you won’t.”
“I will always come home to you.” He sounds so certain that Sirius wishes he could believe him.
“You can’t promise me that,” Sirius whispers and Remus takes a shaking breath.
“I want to. I… I want to promise you a future together.”
Sirius smiles sadly and leans back to take his hands in his own and squeeze them. “I do too. For today, let's just… try to forget about the war for a moment. It’s Christmas for Godric’s sake, and you’re here by my side. All I ask is that you stay there today.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Remus cups his cheek and leans their heads together.
“I’m not either.” Sirius holds Remus close and Remus sighs softly.
“I love you.”
“I love you too… Let's go downstairs, love.”
“After you.”
They walk downstairs and see Lily relaxing on the couch with some tea.
“Has he broken into the presents yet?” Remus jokes and Lily laughs lightly.
“James is in the kitchen,” she tells them gently. “Got an owl from Peter. Luckily that’s kept him a bit occupied."
“Ah, I’ll check on him.” Sirius presses a lingering kiss to Remus’s cheek before going into the kitchen. He sees James next to the kitchen table with his brows furrowed.
“Alright, Prongs? Wormy tell you when he’s coming?”
“He’s not.” James folds up the letter and takes a deep breath. “He said he’s caught up in work, but I thought his department was closed today.”
“I assumed so as well, but it is unprecedented times, after all. Maybe they brought him in - or Dumbledore has him running around on some mission.”
“Could be,” James gives him a small smile. “Maybe I’m being paranoid. You know how everything feels nowadays.”
“I do… I’m glad Moony is home.”
“Me too. You seem happier with him here.”
“Of course I am. He’s a part of me. Without him it feels… well… it feels wrong.”
James nods in that knowing way of his. Sirius hears the sound of Remus and Lily laughing in the other room and something in his chest tightens. James’s eyes soften as well and he takes a deep breath.
“It was worth it after all, wasn’t it?”
“Yes.” Sirius looks back out into the living room where Remus is lounging on the couch next to Lily, head thrown back with a grin. He smiles to himself, thanking whatever star in the ether listened to his prayer. “Every single minute of it."