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Fan kept pacing back and forth, he couldn't help but fiddle with his phone. Tracing his finger against the symbol on the back, opening it to nothing important, swiping through the home screen but never committing to anything. Something inside of him felt off ever since that day. It didn't make any sense, he should be feeling better than this. Happy! Relieved! Vindicated even! But something stirred inside of him that he couldn't just shake off or watch another episode to feel better. The few times he did attempt to pacify it with episodes from his ‘favorite’ season, it just made him feel worse. It was something that just kept him awake at night, thinking, and thinking, with no end in sight.
Fan knew that what he was about to do was dicey at best. He should go to someone closer to him, someone that in his own theory would get it. But he didn't want to bother Test tube with something so personal. And even though they played nice all together, he had to admit he wasn't that close with Lightbulb or Paintbrush. Not close enough to talk about this anyway.
But he wasn't even close with her either! They had a few good conversations but they didn't really get a good moment together before he got interrupted. Oh great- how could he be so selfish! She has much better things to do than to deal with his problems, why would he even need to bother her about this. He should probably leave her alone.
Just as he was about to go somewhere else, he heard a voice call out “Fan? You okay?”
“Oh- uh, hi Suitcase.” He gave a half hearted wave.
“You were pacing around for thirty minutes, is something going on?” Suitcase said after running up to him.
“Well y'know about- uh everythingi…” He has to commit now, as gut wrenching it was. “Do you ever think about why you were made?”
Suitcase looked toward the ground, contemplating. “I did, a lot.”
She sits down on the grass, eyes turned away from Fan. “I thought that I was just made for a quick laugh, some sort of sick joke. And that everything I experienced… everything I saw… was just because it was entertaining enough for the show.”
“Yeah… I can see that.” He sits down next to her, placing down his phone and clasping his hands together.
“But after everything, while we were in MeAfterlife, I realized that it just didn’t matter if I was fully real or fake or even what I was made for. Everything still mattered in the end.” She looked directly at him, but he couldn’t muster up even a polite smile.
“A-and that’s great! You’ve grown and you… you changed! For the better!” He avoided her eyes for as long as possible. “I don’t think that I- I can be different.”
“What do you mean?” She scrutinizes him up and down.
“Inanimate Insanity was everything! And it still feels like it is! I- I- mean all I could think about when going through everything was how I was right and then meeting Box…” He feels his paper fold in. “All I thought was that I was wrong about my favorite show! That was… pretty shallow.”
“I mean, the way we all thought about Box was shallow, we didn’t know anything about her! But that doesn’t mean you can’t be different than you were before.”
“But inanimate insanity is what I was made for! I still watch it all the time! It still means alot to me… Without the show, I'm just a fan of nothing…”
Suitcase made a small ‘mmm’ before saying “You don't have to stop liking the show. I imagine some still enjoyed parts of it.”
“Honestly I wouldn’t even call it ‘liking’ the show! Whenever watching now, it’s not the ‘like’ I feel for Test Tube or Bot or even simple things like- like food!” He throws his hands up before returning to his sides, his paper resetting to normal. “But when watching, the show is a magnet that just pulls me in. I thought that’s how you liked something but now I just… I just.”
Fan flops down onto the grass. “Can I ever be more than this?”
Suitcase stands up and gets near his head. “I think you’re already more than just the show. All of us are.”
“When will I know that?” Fan just gives a weary look upward.
“It could be a long time from now, but it takes time to realize anything. You just have to work with yourself, with or against what you were made for.” She looks down at him, shadowing the sunset from his face.
“I think… It'll be a very long time.” He sighs, and closes his eyes.
“You can take all of it if you’d like, it’s endless now.” She cheerfully says.
“I guess so, thanks-”
He was cut off by a voice calling, “Suitcase! Can you look at this really quick?”
“Ah, sorry Fan. I gotta go, we’ll catch up more later?” He can hear her already stepping away.
“Yeah, we will.” Fan sits up, and turns his head towards her. And gives a short wave.
“Bye Fan!”
“Bye Suitcase…”