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Chapter Text

Sirius sat with James in a rare moment of silence. The war had been won. Just. And none of them were really sure it was real.  He could hear Hermione singing but couldn't quite make out the words, the muffled words floating quietly down the stairs as she pottered about doing Merlin only knew what. Reorganising her slightly alarming collection of books, most likely. She seemed to have taken to doing it regularly as she attempted to process the last several months of carnage.

“She seems happy,” James hedged, clearly searching for something to say. They all knew that Hermione was far from happy. 

Sirius shrugged, appreciating the effort, admitting quietly, “She's stopped crying when she doesn't think I'm paying attention at least. Either that or she's gotten better at hiding it.”

James grimaced awkwardly. “What's she singing?”

“No idea,” Sirius sighed. “It sounds slightly less depressing than the last one she was singing, something about seeing people in heaven. Lily had to explain why exactly heaven was and yeah….can’t be as bad as that one.” James grimaced, deciding not to ask. Pausing a beat, Sirius lifted his wand and cast a modified sonorous. Hermione's slightly sad voice suddenly filled the room singing softly, “I want a hippopotamus for Christmas…only a hippopotamus will do…”

With a frown, Sirius cancelled the spell before she caught him. “That can't be a real song, is it? She's making up words!”

“Beats me,” James shrugged before pausing, continuing thoughtfully, “Do you think she really wants whatever a hippopotamus is then? What if it's not made up but a strange muggle thing and she's feeling nostalgic? You said she was struggling and over emotional.”

Instinctively Sirius flinched, fighting the urge to look behind him, knowing that if his girlfriend ever heard James call her over-emotional she'd hex him, likely until he cried. She was vicious like that, especially currently. Despite that, he felt like he had to ask. “I…what exactly is a hippopotamus?”

“No, idea Pads. Maybe Lils would know?”

Two days later with Hermione safely in the care of Molly Weasely, Sirius finally cornered Lily to check whether a hippopotamus was a real thing. And if so, where did Sirius go to purchase one? 

Insultingly, Lily and Remus stared at them both in stunned disbelief. “You don't know what a hippo is and you think Hermione wants one?” Lily breathed as Remus cried silent tears of laughter, his breathing hitching as he gasped.

Ignoring him Sirius nodded. “Yes. She's.. sad.”

“Of course she's sad! She's been flung decades into the past! She's just had to fight another war and now it's over she's got time to grieve! And it's nearly Christmas, she's missing them!”

“I know!” he howled, not needing Lily to explain this again . “Which is why I want to do something that makes her less sad!”

“And you think that's buying her a hippo?” Remus gasped as Lily groaned, her head thunking into her hands in clear exasperation that Sirius did not understand. Hermione was the one who mentioned the hippopotamus. Why were they acting like he'd said something stupid?

“Not a hippo,” Sirius replied primly, “a hippopotamus.” 

“Same thing Pads,” Remus replied dryly, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “God I actually want to see her face if you pull it off.”

“Remus!” Lily shouted, her head rising sharply, a look of amusement-tinged horror plastered over her face. 

“Oh come on!” he protested immediately, “Don't lie and say you can't picture it!”

A small reluctant smile quirked on Lily's lips.

“Is someone going to tell me what it is?” Sirius demanded.

“It's an…animal,” Remus admitted eventually. “You don't usually keep them as pets.”

Sirius waved him off. “But that doesn't mean you can't surely?”

“I'm not sure anyone's been brave enough to try, Pads.” 

“First time for everything,” he shrugged. “I know a guy. And if that's what she wants….I'll just send an owl.”

“Are you not going to tell him it's a song?” Remus checked once Sirius was out of the room, the letter clutched in his hand.

“Nope,” Lily grinned. “I really want to see if he pulls it off.” 

“She's going to murder him.” he groaned in response.

“But she'll be less sad.”

“Won't she be more sad if she Avada’s Sirius?” Remus checked, not sure he was grasping this conversation properly.

“She won't Avada him!” Lily scoffed, continuing just as Remus relaxed. “Too quick. She might feed him to her new hippo. They're quite violent, you know.”

At that she stood, chuckling quietly to herself, leaving a slightly fearful Remus behind trying to convince himself that against all the odds Hermione loved Sirius. Surely that meant she wouldn't feed him to a violent animal?

Sirius was visibly buzzing on Christmas Eve and Hermione was more than a little suspicious. “Sirius… you haven't gone over the top have you?” she hedged as she climbed into bed, her face scrunched into an anxious frown.

“No! No, of course I haven't! He protested immediately, moving to wrap her in a hug, murmuring, “You've been so sad….”

She sighed heavily, leaning into him, “It's hard.”

“I know,” he agreed, “But Prongslet will be here soon. And little Neville.”

Hermione hummed “But they’ll be babies.”

He winced. “I know.” He brightened suddenly, “But with Lucy out the way, Auntie Hermione will have a hand in making sure Draco isn't a little shit. Cissa adores you and you know it.”

“Possibly something to do with ensuring she managed to conceive Draco before murdering her husband,” Hermione returned dryly.

“Well yes, that helped,” he admitted, “and you know the whole murdering the madman before he enslaved said son.”

“So…apparently all I really need to do to make people like me is commit murder…is that what you're implying?”

“Well…if you fancied offing old wally I wouldn't say no, love.”

He yelped when she nudged him sharply with her elbow. Despite that, he heard her mutter, “You think the bitch would be more grateful I saved her son from death by drowning.”

He shrugged jostling her, “But you took up with her other delinquent son…and encouraged her precious baby boy to consider that halfblood upstart.”

“I don't think it was entirely Severus’’ blood status that she had an issue with,” Hermione mused, “after all, halfblood trumps mudblood and you’d already made it clear you were willing to corrupt Reggie and introduce him to a stream of muggles and muggleborns until he picked one.”

“Don't call yourself that!” he hissed, dismissing her very valid point about his last argument with his mother. He scowled when she just rolled her eyes. 

“Regardless, I think it's that her precious baby boy will have no biological children.” she paused, “Unless we do something to fix that.”

Sirius stared at her in slight horror, “Like what ?”

“I don't know…do you think you can transfigure gametes? Or if one of them took polyjuice….”

“Merlin, stop talking!” he begged. “That's my brother and Snape !”

“And they're adorable,” she chided. “It's nice to see Severus smile. I never thought him capable before.”

Sirius scowled, ”Go to sleep before you give me nightmares. It's bad enough that you made me apologise to him and now you're making me be nice to the git, I do not need to contemplate him um… making a baby with my baby brother.”

She glowered, “I like Severus.”

“I know,” he sighed, grimacing when he remembered the spectacular fight his last untoward comment about the wizard triggered. He had never seen her that angry and he’d seen her ruthlessly cut down Death Eaters. It was not an experience he was willing to repeat, which meant that for the last six months, he’d forced himself to be polite to the other wizard. And it was worth it…his girlfriend didn’t threaten to castrate him, or more worryingly, leave him, and his baby brother was slightly less hostile.“You've made your feelings explicitly clear and I’m…trying.” She hummed and he pouted, “You still love me though, so go to sleep and stop torturing me.”

Hermione smiled, tugging him down with her as she burrowed into the duvet, reaching for him once she was comfy. “Unfortunately. Now. Make my mind stop. Please” 

With a wicked grin, Sirius’ face cleared instantly, “Gladly, love.”

Severus stared in genuine, horrified shock at Lily who was explaining what Sirius had gotten Hermione for Christmas as Regulus frowned in confusion beside him.

“Is it not a normal gift then?” he checked.

“No!” Remus hissed.

“She’s going to fucking eviscerate him,” Severus breathed finally, his eyes lighting up with unholy glee. 

“I…still don't understand.” James admitted. “Why?”

“He got her a Hippo !”

“She was singing about it!” he protested, in a shrill whisper.

“It's a popular muggle Christmas song! It means nothing other than that someone obviously played it often enough that it brought back memories!” Lily hissed.

“Oh.” James' jaw dropped, understanding laced with fear flooding his face. “And ah…these hippos…”

“Grow bigger than a sodding hippogriff and are vicious!”

“Oh fuck,” he breathed just as the sound of movements drifted down from upstairs indicating that Sirius had decided not to wait any longer to wake Hermione.

“Come on love!” he could be heard chiding her. “Your presents await.”

Hermione's tired groan was clearly audible. “Sirius we’re not five! Let me sleep!

“No! No, come on!”

They heard her huff and the thud of feed indicating she’d sat up in a strop. “Fine. But it had better be bloody good.”

“Best present ever!” he crowed as the gathered crowd looked torn between amusement and unease.

Hermione stopped in the doorway, “What…what are you all doing here?”

“It's Christmas,” James offered.

“Its half past fucking six,” Hermione retorted.

“Just wait here!” Sirius bounced. “Close your eyes.

She groaned but complied waiting until an impossibly heavy something was placed in her arms. “Open your eyes!” Sirius called.

Cautiously she did just that, staring at the confused eyes that stared back at her. She blinked, sure she was hallucinating. “It's magic!” Sirius rushed to explain. “A breeder in Durham was experimenting so she's about seven months old, and a pygmy and he's made it so she’ll only get as big as a labrador.”

Hermione blinked again, tearing her eyes away from her present to her boyfriend’s excited face. Around her, her friends were desperately trying not to laugh, even Severus the traitorous bastard. 

“Sirius…Sirius, is that a hippo !”

“Yes!” he beamed looking so pleased with himself all she could do was smile weakly, glancing back down at the hippo that was staring at her with a level of interest that quite frankly made her nervous. Somewhere, amidst her questioning if this was really happening, she wondered why in the name of all that was magic he seemed to believe she wanted a hippo for Christmas. Hadn’t she dropped hints about a day at that new spa that promised total relaxation? Merlin knew she desperately needed some of that. She startled at the sound of Sirius' voice, losing her train of thought. 

“I think we should call her Debbie.”

Chapter Text

“Alright class!” the teacher clapped her hands, her eyes drifting over the small, eager faces that gazed back at her. She loved this age. Old enough to be interesting but young enough that they didn't yet think they knew everything. “Today we’re going to run through some of the songs we’re going to sing for the school's Christmas concert! Can everyone remember the words to Away in a manger?”

After a reasonably successful run-through in which only two children cried and only three arguments about the actual words to Jingle bells broke out, she smiled, “Well done everyone! Now! This year the Year sixes have decided that they want the whole school song to be I want a hippopotamus for Christmas ! Isn't that exciting! So if anyone has a small hippo toy, you can bring it in! Don't worry if you've not though, we can make some pictures next week.” she paused, “Yes, Harry?”

“Can we bring in a real hippo?” he checked, his eyes wide and earnest. 

Mrs McGlynn smiled gently; there was always one, “Unfortunately I don't think the zoo would like it.”
Harry frowned, protesting immediately, “But Auntie Mya has one! It's called Debbie. Uncle Sirius wants to get another one and call it Elton but she said she'd geld him.” he paused, “Mrs McGlynn what does geld mean? Daddy just shook his head and looked a bit sick when I asked.”
Mrs McGlynn blinked stupidly back at him for a second as she attempted to process that. “Harry.” she began, deciding she was not touching his question about gelding with a ten foot pole.“Is it good to tell fibs?”

“It's not a fib! Draco, tell her!”

At his side, the angelic looking hooligan known as Draco Malfoy of all the ridiculous things, smiled. “Auntie Mya has a hippo called Debbie. Cousin Sirius got her it for Christmas years and years and years ago. Mummy says she's surprised Auntie Mya hasn't smothered Cousin Sirius in his sleep. Cousin Reggie agrees. Godfather says it's too painless and Auntie Mya enjoys torturing him.”
“Auntie Mya doesn't like torture!” Harry protested before their startled teacher could formulate a response to that clusterfuck of information. “Auntie Mya keeps chocolate in her pocket and she has the best stories! Like that time she rode a dragon!”
Draco's face lit up as the chatter began to swell around the class, excitedly chiming in with retellings of Auntie Mya’s stories that got increasingly outlandish. Being held hostage in a lake with mermaids? Being rescued by a Quidditch star…she did not even want to ask what in the name of goodness Quidditch was.  Latching on to the only sensible child left as the rest of the class began demanding details about this dragon and whether all mermaids looked like Ariel, leaving her vow to speak to Harry and Draco’s parents as they described something rather more alarming. “Neville. “ she tried softly, watching as his eyes snapped to hers, her tone slightly desperate. “Neville, Harry's aunt doesn't really have a hippo does she?”
He looked faintly alarmed before he nodded, whispering, “it's called Debbie. She's nice and likes cabbage.”

“I…I…Goodness me,” Mrs McGlynn trailed off, realising she had utterly lost control of the class and not at all sure what to make of three children all telling her the same lie with completely straight faces. Glancing at the clock, she almost slumped in relief, raising her voice over the din of increasingly excited and loud children. “Go and get your things, the bell will be going in ten minutes.” As they all ran to the cloakroom, she sighed heavily. Bloody Christmas term had a lot to answer for. 

“Ah Mrs Potter, if i could have a word please?”
Lily glanced at the teacher holding her son back, sharing a look with Hermione. Catching it, Harry called loudly, “Auntie Mya! Tell Mrs McGlynn about Debbie!”
Mrs McGlynn watched as a well put together, heavily pregnant woman froze, at her side the tiny, darker haired miniature of herself giggled. She didn't look like the sort to entertain this nonsense. Silently, Mrs McGlynn prayed that she wasn't wrong in that assessment, her child only looked a couple of years younger than her current class, which meant she’d be forced to deal with this child, and therefore this parent at some point soon.

“Was the word you wanted to have about the hippo?” Lily sighed, coming to a stop in front of the teacher. 

“Yes.” she nodded quickly, glad the woman appeared to grasp the situation. “Harry, and Draco are adamant that their Aunt, you, I imagine,” she nodded to Hermione, “Has a hippo.”
Hermione sighed heavily, scooping Cassie up into her arms. “Unfortunately my husband has…unusual taste in Christmas gifts.”
Mrs McGlynn froze. “You truly have a hippo?”
Hermione fished around in her bag, pulling out a picture of Sirius, herself and Cassie with Debbie. “Her name is Debbie. It's…a  long story. I work in…ah conservation and Debbie is…unusual. It's why I will not agree to another one. Heavens alone know what we’d end up with.”

“A…a real hippo.” she mumbled faintly. “Goodness me.” she paused, clearly floundering. “And ah… your ah…a real hippo?”
“Auntie Mya!” Draco barreled into her, an exasperated Narcissa following. “Can we bring Debbie to the school show?” Taking pity on her, Lily patted the poor, flustered teacher's arm, replying gently, “A real hippo.”

“Goodness me.” 

Hermione made a mental note to send the woman something large and alcoholic shortly. Merlin knew she looked like she needed it.

The audience of parents made appropriate noises as the children sang their songs with varying levels of cuteness and proficiency, all of them agreeing that this was absolutely worth these songs being embedded in their heads after weeks of practicing. 

“And now!” Mrs Jones, the headmistress, called, standing in the centre of the stage, “The Year sixes have chosen I want a hippopotamus for christmas for their last whole school Christmas song.”

The parents clapping slowly turned to confusion as the children filtered onto the stage before silently, a very smug looking hippo in a Santa hat sauntered on, sitting in the middle of the front row. 

“Merlins tits,” Remus groaned as Sirius clapped loudly, calling “Looking good Debs!” much to his wifes embarrassment. 

“We’re going to have to change schools,” Hermione groaned. Lily silently nodded her agreement, genuinely questioning their choice to send the children to a muggle primary school for the first time.

“We’re definitely naming the next one Elton!” Sirius crowed excitedly as an assembly hall of stunned parents watched a miniature hippo preen as their children sung.