Archive of Our Own

"KAISER, I'M GETTING MARRIED."

The other end of the line was still silent, besides the shallow breaths the striker was taking. The device’s microphone didn’t pick up the rustling of the creaky branches barren of leaves outside the window.

All of Munich was asleep besides him.

The phone pressed against Kaiser's ear. His slightly chapped lips were parted, then slowly found each other again. He never spoke much in general. On the off chance he does, it is only his persona talking. Kaiser doesn’t mean half the things he say. If anything, his affirming words resemble thin layers of stretchable gauze looped one by one around his tenuous ego.

The wind's bellows were muffled inside his vehicle; Kaiser's blue eyes stared ahead at nothing. No, not nothing. The striker’s dark blue eyes were trained on the parked car ahead of him, skimming over the license plate, the snow-stuffed edges of the tires, the bits of frost stuck frozen on the corners of the back window glass, and the rear-end of the vehicle bore several icicles a myriad of sizes. Kaiser’s gaze traced continuously over the little details of this…of this Volkswagon. His other hand gripped the top of his steering wheel, fingers curled around the dark leather.

Alexis...getting married?

Ridiculous. Impossible.

Kaiser didn't even want to entertain the thought.

When you cast obedient dogs a bone, they snatch it and waddle back over wearing that stupidly proud expression on their naive, doe-eyed faces. Once the pest returns, you scatter treats for them to run around and sweep up, or reward them with a few measly pats on the head. Rinse and repeat; it was nothing that hadn't been attempted before.

When Kaiser shooed the midfielder away, he had full intentions for his loyal mutt to return once the idiot’s head cooled.

Eventually, the striker slipped a dry chuckle.

"And you didn't bother telling me until now." Kaiser's empty gaze dropped to the middle of his steering wheel where the striker's Rolls-Royce was embedded. He had just been out walking, believe it or not. Kaiser shivered in his car, and he shuffled his feet in the cramped compartment where the brake and gas pedals lay. "When did you get engaged, Ness?"

"Just a few months ago."

That's a lie.

Just a few months ago the two were rummaging in Kaiser's first place of stay. The place where Kaiser grew up.

Physically, at least.

Few months or a few years ago, Kaiser couldn't tell anymore.

It was stupid. Kaiser had nothing he wanted to retrieve from that hellhole of a childhood 'home': the place that reenacted hell on Earth. The only things he left behind was a weak, worthless sense of shit self and a whole lot of dreadful anticipation during the nights of what would occur right before he cried himself to sleep. Still, Ness insisted. Ness has heard Kaiser talk about this 'Blue Rose' a thousand times too many times. It meant something dear to Kaiser. And if it was dear to Kaiser, then it was dear to Ness.

Kaiser's naked hands were in his pockets, and his head was balked into his black scarf bundled around his neck like an unforgiving tortoise.

"I don't want to be here."

Ness' steps in the snow eventually catch up to where his friend is. His brown wooled mitten found Kaiser's shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze. His breath morphed into fog in the wintry air. "I'll go get it then. If you don't mind, of course.”

Kaiser rolled his eyes, unimpressed.

"I didn't say I wouldn't go in there."

No way was he going to let Ness out of all people encounter what he refused to.

Kaiser shrugged Ness' hand off, boots sinking into the snow once more as he neared the empty house.

It snowed heavily outside that night. Flecks of snowflakes poured down relentlessly from the midnight skies. The windows of nearby buildings were pitch-black. It was so late out everybody had gone home. Everyone was home, except the thing, Ness, and Kaiser. There was also a forsaken blast of wind bellowing in their direction every five minutes. The cursed wind chill gave the impression of a lower temperature than it actually was. Swirls of snow would surface and rise from the ground, only to topple over when another gust plowed through.

Why does Ness even care so much about me getting this rose? It’s old; it’s withered; it’s stuck in some decrepit dusty glass jar. Even if I do get it, it won’t be much of a sight to see either. It doesn't benefit him in the least bit. I don't get it.

Kaiser shuddered the moment he entered the doorway of this wretched place.

The rotten smell of alcohol was as nostalgic as ever.

God, he was going to choke.

"I'll watch the door in case he comes back early," Ness smiled. He always smiled til his mulberry eyes crinkled. Ness stood by the doorway, his hands gloved in thick cotton mittens. One of them pressed against the wall. The midfielder’s brown hair was extra curly today for some reason, and they nosily poked out from under his hood while Ness used his other hand to brush them out of the way before stuffing it beneath again. The magenta dye had faded with the several washes by now.

They should get that touched up sometime.

"You take your time, Michael."

Kaiser turned away, muttering under his breath.

"I hope not."

Time would certainly be taken. The place looked as if a train wreck transpired and the ruins were left to the hordes.

Minuscule flies zippered around aged takeout boxes, magazines, and weathered pages of movie scripts scattered beneath the stained coffee table. Shelves that were lined with albums and movies were all astray.

Kaiser navigated cautiously with each step, the cracked planks creaking beneath his shifting weight. He already knew where to go. During all his years at this house, Kaiser knew that his father never moved this jar with the blue rose ever since she left. His hands reached for the doorknob, and forced it open with a small shove. Bits of dust fell from the door frame overhead.

The striker glanced around the room. Everything else seemed to be a blur until his focus settled on the dresser. There sat the treasure his father valued more than the life and future of his own son. He ventured further, the wet soles of his boots from the melting snow left stained prints on the bedroom floor. Kaiser reached out for the jar. His blue eyes scanned the piece with disdain.

It was an envious sight to see.

The blue rose is most definitely withered now. The petals dried and wrinkled and its edges frayed. The head of the once-centerpiece dipped, as if bowing its head.

Why would such a beautiful thing need to lower itself? Sure, this rose is now a has-been, but…

…

Ness hadn't wanted anything from him then.

Kaiser's chest lowered, a soft exhale leaving his mouth. He could see the collision of his warm breath with the chilled winter air. Kaiser didn't use his windshield wipers, and the silent parked brown car ahead of him was getting buried beneath the piling white blanket on his front window.

Alexis doesn't mean that he's getting married.

To who, even?

"You got engaged a few months ago, huh?"

Another small laugh came from Kaiser. Kaiser rubbed the tip of his nose with his curled index finger for a millisecond, giving a small nod in response, even if Ness couldn't see it. Kaiser was smiling. Like this was funny to him. And it is in a way…this whole thing is a joke to the striker.

I thought I told you not to.

Kaiser wasn't wearing gloves, and his already fair hands were turning even paler the longer he stayed in his immobile car. The heat wasn't on, but it wouldn't make a difference. Kaiser rubbed his leather steering wheel soothingly with his thumb.

"I sure hope I'm the first you announced this to."

There wasn't a reply at first from the other end, then came Ness' words. Stammering at first, then evening out like ripples in water.

"Um uhm, hah. Unfortunately, no. Actually, she told her parents first…and I told mine."

Kaiser's thumb ceased their repetitive movements. Alexis told his parents first of his engagement? His brows furrowed softly. Kaiser shook his head lightly side to side.

"Now why would you go and do that?"

Ness paused for a second.

…

"Because they're my parents."

Kaiser's grip tightened on his steering wheel. The frost nipped into his epidermis.

"Parents...they're your parents, Ness?"

"Sure they are. They raised me and were there when I was growing up, didn’t they?”

The striker’s head leaned back into the headrest of the driver’s seat. Kaiser scoffed. “You’re fucking with me.”

He gave what sounded like a low chuckle. Kaiser shook his head slowly from side to side, hand reaching up to grip his cold face before letting gravity drag it down. His hand fell back onto his thigh.

“...un-fucking-believable.”

And out of all the people to use that logic with…

Springtime.

It was five years ago when Kaiser met Ness' family. Ness had invited Kaiser over for a dinner. The edges of concrete sidewalks were splattered with murky muddy snow. Sloshy, skating down to the sewers.

Ness and Kaiser walked together in silence, the soft crunch of frost-covered leaves and gravel under their feet breaking the quiet hum of the early spring evening. Ness was leading the way with a brisk, determined stride, while Kaiser brought up the rear, his eyes fixated on the setting sun, which cast elongated shadows across the dimly lit streets.

Kaiser spoke quietly, giving a small kick and sending a nearby pebble flying into a snowbank. The striker strode with his hands in his pockets, and the setting sun cast long shadows of the two walking. “I thought you said you didn’t like your parents.”

Ness shrugged.

“...I believe in second chances, Kaiser.” His bright eyes bounced onto his friend. The midfielder shot Kaiser a smile. “People can change, you know?”

“You’re naive then.”

Ness couldn't help but chuckle at Kaiser's gruff remark. "Maybe I am naive," he conceded, shrugging. "But I'm not as cynical as you are."

Kaiser turned to look at Ness, his expression stern. "That's because you've been too kind."

"And what about you maybe being too harsh?"

"I'm just speaking the truth," Kaiser replied, his voice firm. "You're too soft. You don't know how the world really works. It'll chew you up in a heartbeat if you're not careful."

Ness shook his head, a sigh escaping his lips. "You're always so serious. Lighten up a bit, will you?"

That’s easy for you to say, Alexis.

"So," Ness began, hands gesturing to Kaiser. His smile was still there as the two stood in the living room with the rest of the Ness family standing in an orderly, horizontal line before them. Ness' lips rolled inward momentarily, giving them a soft bite before unfurling them and continuing his words. "This is Michael...the incredible player I've been telling you guys about."

Kaiser stood next to Ness. Kaiser's eyes were more alert than usual, and while he wasn't smiling like Ness, the striker's hands were out of his pockets. Instead, Kaiser's fingers were interlocked behind his back.

There had been a need to appeal to Alexis' parents. To make a good impression. This was all foreign territory though. Kaiser didn't have many friends (or any at all) with parents to be introduced to.

Why would his best friend willingly drag him into this situation?

"Uh, nice to meet you guys…" Kaiser said, forcing a small smile.

It was a strange feeling, this social interaction. Kaiser was used to being on the field, where the only things he had to focus on were the ball and the opposing players.  Victory only had so-and-so factors, and Kaiser is accustomed to those variables.  But now, he was standing awkwardly in front of Ness' family, trying to make a good impression. His palms felt clammy and his feet felt cold.  He glanced over at Ness, who seemed completely at ease in this situation (to a hopeful sense) and felt a pang of irritation.

Mr. and Mrs. Ness' gazes were indifferent.  Their eyes behind the lenses traced over Kaiser as if he was one of the specimens they were poking and goading in a dish.  Kaiser stood silently, as still as he could with the occasional shifting of his weight under their intense scrutinization.

Eventually, the striker was dealt a response.  Mr. Ness shared a glance with his wife, and the glints in their eyes mirrored each other.  The first words came from Mrs. Ness.  She eyed Kaiser up and down once again, delivering a candid observation.

"I don't see anything special about you."

The words hit him like a ton of bricks.  The striker had never faced such an insult before. His jaw went taut, and he could feel anger bubbling up within him. But what really stung was the look of utter desolation on Ness’ face.

Kaiser clenched his fists, trying to keep his cool. "Excuse me?" he said, his voice low and controlled.

There was a tense moment of silence between them before Mr. Ness spoke.

"We all have our own standards...and yours aren’t living up to her expectations."

Kaiser could barely keep the anger out of his voice.  How the fuck did Ness bear this growing up?  No wonder why he left home as soon as he could.

"And what exactly are these supposed 'expectations'?"

Mrs. Ness let out a derisive scoff, hands at her hips as she dealt him a look. "Well, let's just say we hoped you'd be more…refined. More…presentable."

Kaiser's eyes narrowed.

"And what makes you think I'm not refined?" he snapped.

The mother of his best friend let out a humorless chuckle, shaking her head slightly as the thin bun on the scientist's head stayed pinned in place.  It would be a wonder to understand how the two even share genes.  "Oh, you know, just a simple glance at your outfit for starters. You look like you just rolled out of bed."

It wasn't like he had all the money in the world to spend on clothes.  Hell, he barely pulled himself out of poverty and a life of crime.  The deal was that Michael Kaiser’s hard-worked earnings for the first several years on Bastard München would be given straight to Ray Dark to pay back the debt for training, a warm roof over his head, and other general costs of living.  It is what Kaiser has to focus on; the first priority of his growing salary.  He hates to be in anyone's debt.  The money is not geared towards the likes of Berlin fashion. 

Kaiser wore a decent outfit from what he could scrounge up in his closet—a zip-up jacket, clean white shirt, and dark slacks. It was the same outfit he wore when stepping foot outside of the BM facilities (which is rare), but apparently, that wasn't good enough for these two.

But before the striker could say anything else, Ness' hoarse voice cracked.

"Knock it off."

Mr. and Mrs. Ness turned to face Ness, clearly taken aback by his unexpected intervention. They had been so absorbed in the exchange that they had forgotten their son was present.

"What?" Mrs. Ness retorted, her expression indignant.

"Just...stop it, Mom." Ness sighed, his shoulders tense.  Kaiser could feel the warmth emitting off of the midfielder from how close the two stood in front of the doorway, shoes still on with the melting snow seeping into the entrance rug.  Ness gave his mother a pointed look, making sure to act as a barrier for his best friend.

"I'm not letting you insult Michael. He doesn't deserve it."

The room fell into a tense silence as Mr. and Mrs. Ness processed their youngest son's words. They exchanged a look…as if silently communicating their further annoyance and disappointment.  It was enough to have one kid believe in something like magic—unable to be proven by evidence, but now Ness is wrapped up in this?

Mr. Ness cleared his throat, shifting his weight to address his son.

"Alexis, your mother is simply being honest."

“She’s being a jerk.”

Ness wasn't backing down.

Michael Kaiser is his heaven, his Earth—his heaven on Earth.  This saintly angel graced the midfielder's eyes and never left ever since the two of them ever set foot on the tryout U20 fields of Bastard München.  Even when Ness fell to the grasp of gravity and kissed the dirt, the beautiful cold eyes still glanced his way; sparing attention to something—someone much less than deserving of its time.

“Do you believe in the impossible?”

Oh, did Ness believe in the impossible?  What a silly question.  Of course, Ness believes in the impossible, but this one impossible instance of getting through to his ignorant parents will never be gratified.

The moment the midfielder dragged Kaiser out of the house and slammed closed the front door, Ness had already broken down into tears.  He walked down two steps of the porch, then his shoulders racked.  Ness’ face was all flushed and embarrassed, the tips of his ears pink as well as his nose.  Snot was running down his dusted-freckled face.  Ness quickly wiped away his nose after bunching up the sleeve of his hoodie, sniffling and rubbing at his reddened eyes.

Kaiser kept his gaze on the ground, his heart heavy in his chest.  He wanted to offer some comforting words, but the right ones eluded him. He didn't know how to reassure Ness that it was okay, that he wasn't disappointed. Besides, the striker's own experiences with his parents were far from comforting.

"I'm used to it," Kaiser said finally, his voice gruff.

Ness didn't respond, just continued to sniffle and wipe his face. His tears started to soak through his sleeve as he tried to suppress his crying.  He looked up at Kaiser, his eyes red and puffy.

The sight was so damn pitiful that it was disgusting.

"I'm sorry—" the midfielder said between choked sobs. "I’m so sorry, Kaiser…”

"Hey," Kaiser said. He reached out and tugged on Ness' sleeve, forcing the midfielder to look up at him.  His friend’s face was all hot and damp from the tears, and even a little squishy to the touch.  Kaiser’s thumb and index finger gripped the midfielder's cheeks slightly as he adjusted Ness' face.  "It's not your fault."

The midfielder's watery eyes studied Kaiser’s face, searching for any hint of disappointment or disappointment in his friend's features.  When Ness saw none, the sobs seemed to recede.  Ness’ breathing slowed, and his face gradually regained a less red color.

"You...you're not mad?”

Kaiser’s eyes narrowed.

“Why would I be mad at you?”

This was the real Ness; the Ness hidden behind the assured and situated facade with that polite little smile he wore for the outside world.  Internally, Alexis Ness is a crybaby who crumbles at the slightest face of rejection–he doesn’t ever want to recreate his childhood again, yet it was also this same Ness that Kaiser could truly call his friend.

“...you sure?”

The midfielder finally composed himself, albeit still looking like a clown’s balloon.  He sniffled loudly before reaching up to wipe the snot away.

It was sort of cute the way Ness' nose crinkled as he did so.

"They don't have any right to talk to you like that..." Ness mumbled. "I told them you are special, but they don't know what they're talking about. They just don't get it..."

No, they get it.  They can see it.  Despite all the proclamations, Michael Kaiser is certainly no one's savior.

"It's not a big deal," Kaiser replied, his voice surprisingly calm. "I have a history of disappointing parents.”

Ness’ brows furrowed in disbelief.

“Hey, no—”

The midfielder suddenly grabbed the front of Kaiser’s jacket, looking absolutely offended.  It caught Kaiser off guard with how he was abruptly yanked forward and face-to-face with this loyal dog.

"—don't say that!"

Those mulberry eyes were intense, glinting with determination.  Alexis Ness was only trying to protect his favorite person.

Kaiser blinked at the sudden act, but then the corners of his mouth twitched.  It was funny how Ness put forth his all to try and change something that couldn't be changed.  The effort is commendable.

Ness’ grip on the striker began to falter, and his desperate expression turned clueless.

It really wasn't that funny, but then why was this angel of his laughing?

Kaiser's laughter wilted into a dry, bitter chuckle. He lifted his hands to gently pry Ness' hands away from his chest.  His voice is a mix of amusement and resignation.

"You're an idiot.”

Ness' expression hardened, all the fight back on his cheeks.

"And why's that?"

Kaiser rolled his eyes, attempting to pry the playmaker's hands off of his shirt and partially unzipped hoodie.

"You're trying to save me when you can't even save yourself."

The midfielder’s confidence wavered as Kaiser's words faded into a long sigh.  It has been a long time since the striker has laughed that hard before, probably even the first.

"Well—"

Ness hesitated.

"I…I'm not trying to 'save' you," he said, his grip on the older boy’s shirt loosening a bit.  "I just don't want people to think you're not—"

"Not what?"

"Just... not a good person," Ness finished, his words sounding more like a whisper.

Kaiser stared down at the midfielder, his eyes roaming over Ness' flushed face. The midfielder was trying so hard to defend his honor, and yet this puppy still looked so vulnerable.

"But I'm not a good person," Kaiser said, his voice low.  "You know that."

Ness' grip on Kaiser tightened again, his fingers curling in the fabric of his friend’s unzipped jacket.

"I'm well aware of the person you are," he said, trying to hold onto the conviction in his voice. "But that doesn't change the fact that you're always there for me. You're the only person in this damn world who actually gives a damn about me."

Kaiser was quiet for a moment, taking in Ness' words. He could feel the heat of the midfielder's hands on his chest, the desperate desperation in his voice.  It stirred something inside him, a mixture of annoyance, sympathy, and something else he didn't want to acknowledge.

"You're making a lot of assumptions about me, you know."

Ness let out a sigh, his irritation clear.

"Assumptions? I think I know you better than yourself."

Kaiser raised an eyebrow at the midfielder's boldness.

"Is that so?"

"Absolutely."

Ness stood up straight again, his hands still on the striker's chest as he looked up at him defiantly. He was trying to mimic the confidence of Kaiser's usual demeanor, but it wasn't quite working.  The sight was almost comical. Ness trying to be cocky didn't suit him. It made the midfielder look like a petulant child.

"You think you know me so well, huh?"

"I do," Ness said firmly. "I know everything about you."

Kaiser let out a scoff.

"Everything?"

Ness nodded, completely serious.

"I can read you like a book.”

Kaiser’s smirk widened. "What am I thinking right now, then?"

Ness let out a huff before closing his eyes.

He focused, concentrating on the sensation of the striker's chest under his fingers and the faint scent of the older boy's cologne filling his nose.  It mingled with the crispness of the cold and snow accompanied by an earthy sweet scent.

When Ness opened his eyes again, he spoke with utter certainty.

"…you're thinking about how annoying I am."

That definitely wasn't what Kaiser was thinking about.  The striker was actually thinking about the way Ness' shirt rode up his stomach, revealing a sliver of his smooth, vanilla skin above his belt. But Kaiser wasn't about to admit that.

"You don't know a thing."

Ness' eyes narrowed at the striker's dismissive tone, and he huffed.

"Oh, come on—"

He leaned a little closer to Kaiser's face. 

"I do know you. I know you better than anyone."

Kaiser was acutely aware of the proximity of Ness' face. He could smell the scent of soap and something else, like lavender or peppermint. It was intoxicating, probably even a bit toxic as Kaiser's head began to ache.  The midfielder's proximity was doing things to him.

He leaned back slightly, putting some distance between them.

You’re only seeing what I allow you to see.

"You might know me on the field," Kaiser said, his voice slightly low. "But you have no idea what's going on inside my head."

Ness, as usual, didn't take the hint. In fact, he was completely oblivious to the subtle warning in the striker's voice.

"Oh, please," he spat. "Don't play that card. We're friends. We've known each other for four years.  So actually, I do—”

This kid was infuriatingly stubborn.

"You do?" Kaiser repeated, his tone challenging tinged with irritation.  Ness still hasn't proven anything yet. "Then tell me what I'm thinking already."

Ness' eyes narrowed.  His hands fisted the striker's jacket more roughly, pushing Kaiser up against the solid entrance door of his parents' house.

"You're thinking about how much of a pain in the ass I am."

Kaiser was both impressed and annoyed by how quickly Ness had responded.

"No. Try again."

Ness' nose wrinkled a bit as he concentrated, his eyebrows furrowing. He was really trying.

“You're thinking about the way I keep pestering you about things."

Kaiser snorted in disgust. 

"Wrong again."

Ness let out an exasperated sigh. He felt like he was getting closer.

"You're feeling impatient."

"No. Next one, smartass."

Ness grumbled in frustration, running a hand through his messy hair. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

"You're thinking about how you wish I'd just shut up."

"Not even close."

This was getting tedious.

"Are you going to stop playing games, or are you just going to keep being irritating?"

"I'll keep being irritating."

Their faces were mere inches apart.  The striker's eyes flickered down the length of the midfielder's neck, lingering on the smooth expanse of pale skin that stretched down to his collarbone.

Kaiser tried to focus on something else, anything else to keep his thoughts in check, but all he could see was the way Ness's hair fell in messy waves around his forehead.

The continuous flood of lavender and peppermint was making his head spin—god, it wasn't leaving his nostrils.

Kaiser's eyes flickered down to Ness' lips.

Ness continued to be completely oblivious to the subtle signals of attraction in the striker's eyes. He was so focused on getting the answer right that he didn't notice the tension building between them. 

"You're thinking about... about how you're thinking too damn much," he finally said, completely off the mark. 

"Wrong again," Kaiser muttered, his voice strained.

Ness let out an annoyed sigh, running a hand through his messy hair once again. 

"You're not giving me enough information to work with," he whined.

"You're the one making this so difficult," Kaiser retorted. 

"It's not supposed to be difficult!"

As Kaiser watched Ness' hand running through his hair, he suddenly had an idea. 

He couldn't help it when his hand shot out to grasp Ness' wrist and stop his movements. He tightened his grip, taking Ness entirely by surprise.

Ness' eyes widened as the striker's hand clamped around his wrist, his fingers wrapping around his thin, delicate skin so firmly it bordered on painful. He tried to pull away, but Kaiser's grip was unyielding. 

"What the hell—let go!"

"Try to guess my thoughts now," Kaiser said coolly, his other hand reaching up to tuck a strand of Ness' curly hair back behind his ear.

Ness froze, his heartbeat quickening as he felt the touch of the striker's warm fingers against his heated skin.  Kaiser relished the way the brunette's pulse was racing under his grasp.

The midfielder swallowed, his mouth feeling like sandpaper all of a sudden. 

"I..."

He couldn't think straight with Kaiser's hand still holding his wrist so tightly. 

Kaiser smirked as he watched the usually eloquent and verbose midfielder completely lose his words. It was a rare sight, and it was immensely satisfying to witness. 

"What? Cat got your tongue?"

The striker's eyes darkened as he took in the sight of Ness. The way his lips were parted, the way his chest was heaving, the way his eyes were wide and disoriented and so very, very pretty. It was almost enough to make Kaiser forget about his initial annoyance. 

Almost.

Ness desperately tried to form coherent thoughts in his head, but all he could think about was how the striker was looking at him like he was something to be devoured. It was both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.

Ness licked his lips as Kaiser's hand moved, gently cupping his jawline.

"Your mouth is dry," Kaiser observed, his touch surprisingly tender despite his usual callous demeanor. 

"Yeah…” Ness managed to get out.

I love you.

The striker observed the mouth in front of him more.  Slightly cracked from the cold breeze… Kaiser slowly shifted, taking advantage of their proximity and using the opportunity to close the distance between them.  His thumb caressed Ness' lower lip slowly, gently tracing the line of his bottom lip.

…

At least he's no longer crying.

Kaiser let out a long sigh, cold gaze trailing from the steering wheel down to his thighs.  The German striker was only sitting with a hoodie and sweatpants while in his car.  Stupidly, of course.  Anybody else would freeze to near death in today’s temperatures.  

“My parents mean good, Kaiser,” Alexis continues quietly.  “...and maybe they were right.  I’m a little too old for magic.”

Kaiser looked out the windshield, at the snow that covered everything in sight.  The striker just wished he had the same feeling of warmth and comfort as this winter snow.  Kaiser’s eyes caught sight of his own reflection in the car window, the image glossing over the frosted glass.  He looked tired, and worn out, and his face of twenty-some years looked older than it should be for his age.  

”Your parents should mind their own business.” The striker said flatly.

He had a sudden urge to light up a cigarette.

The midfielder let out a quiet laugh, his voice tinged with resignation.  “You’re not smoking again, are you?” Ness asked, murmuring.  He always knew the signs too well.

Kaiser scoffed, rolling his eyes, and he reached into the glove compartment.

“It’s my car.  I can do what I want.” He pulled out a lighter and a small box of cigarettes, his fingers already fiddling with the lighter.  Kaiser’s other hand found the press for his window and he rolled it down.

Ness let out another small, defeated laugh.  He knew Kaiser was probably lighting up a cigarette already, and somehow, that image just made him feel lonely.  Alone.

”Kaiser, I miss you.”

The midfielder felt like being honest.  Ness missed Kaiser.  He missed living with Kaiser, missed seeing Kaiser every day and hearing Kaiser’s voice.

Kaiser, Kaiser, Kaiser.

...

All Ness heard was the sound of the lighter flicking, and then the click, and the striker finally replied.  The sound of the flame was followed by a few long, drawn-out breaths.  Kaiser took a drag of his cigarette, the smoke a familiar and soothing sensation.  His elbow propped against the side of the driver’s door.

The striker spoke again, exhaling and letting out another cloud of smoke.  Kaiser flicked the ashes off of the tip.

“You know I don’t miss you.”

Ness flinched a bit at the harsh bluntness of Kaiser’s words.  He let out another soft chuckle, more out of hurt than amusement.  He knew it was true, though.  He didn’t expect any less.  Kaiser had already casted him aside; they didn't need each other anymore.

His eyes grew more sorrowful.

”Yeah… I know you don’t.”

The striker let out another puff of smoke, the familiar scent filling the car. It was such a comforting and familiar feeling. 

Kaiser felt something twisting inside of himself, but he pushed away whatever feeling it was.  He wasn’t quite sure what it was.  Perhaps it was annoyance.  He took another drag, and he could even feel the smoke in his lungs.  The soothing feeling relaxed him as the nicotine took its effect…

Ness' breathing had gotten cumbersome on the other line.  They had only been on call not even for two minutes.

It irritated Kaiser.  Ness shouldn't be the one crying.  After all the years of Kaiser always giving his midfielder something to cry about, this time, Ness had no reason to.  The striker’s sharp tone barked into his phone.

"Knock it off." Kaiser's hand rubbed his forehead, eyes closed with a deep sigh.  "You're the one getting married to the love of your life, aren't you?"

"Yeah....yeah, no I-I'm happy…” Ness sniffled, rubbing at his consistent stream of waterworks.  The dams were bending under the weight of sudden understanding; Ness is coming to the realization that he is really getting married.  “...I'm so happy, Kaiser.  She’s…She’s so amazing…”

"Then why do you sound like a pathetic blubbering mess?” Kaiser sneered.  “Get yourself together.  Save it for when she walks down the aisle."

Ness let out a choked laugh at Kaiser's comment. He knew his old friend was right, as usual. He was a mess right now, and he knew it. The midfielder took a few deep breaths and tried to pull himself together.

"You're too kind, Kaiser.  Always so cruel to me, but still kind enough to...to give me some perspective."

He spoke softly, trying to ignore the lump in his throat.

"How can you be so smart and so...and so mean at the same time? It's not fair."

Kaiser let out a long sigh, shaking his head in frustration.

The same Ness he remembered from so many years ago; the same Ness that was still as stupid as ever.  He hated how his chest clenched whenever he heard Ness talk; when he heard Ness breathe.

"It's not about being smart or mean, Ness," he replied, his voice rough. "I just say whatever's on my damn mind. Like always. You know that—and about it being unfair ?"  Kaiser replied with a scoff.  "What's unfair is the fact that I'm on the phone listening to you blabbering about how wonderful she is—”

He cuts off, trying to ignore the pang of jealousy that was creeping in behind his words.

Kaiser leaned back in his chair, running a hand through his hair as he tried to calm himself down. He couldn't let Ness hear him crying over the phone. If he did, all of his carefully crafted composure would fall apart.

Ness knew his emperor well enough to know when Kaiser was trying to hide his emotions behind a rough exterior.  Even after so many years.  He let out a small laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

"Well, what can I say? She is wonderful, you know.” He spoke softly, his voice tinged with a hint of nostalgia for the past.  "She's patient, kind, and beautiful. She's practically perfect, Kaiser."

"Yeah, yeah... I know, Ness," Kaiser replied gruffly.  "I'm sure she's a saint." 

He couldn't help rolling his eyes at Ness's description of his bride-to-be. It was like he was describing some fictional character from a cheesy romance novel.  The thought of Ness happily married to a woman who was too perfect for him made Kaiser's stomach churn.  The midfielder would be…content.

Kaiser wanted to gag.

Only content, never satisfied.  The type of life laid out for the midfielder’s future seemed too simple.  Predictable.  Boring.   Kaiser knows that Ness wouldn't be happy sooner or later once everything settles down.  There wouldn't be anything to do, nothing to quarrel or bicker about, no bubbling tensions that always kept Ness on his toes; things that would keep things interesting…things that would make things hot .

It is the complete opposite of the relationship they used to have—

…

But maybe that was the thing.

"You better lock her down, huh?" Kaiser said sarcastically. "Can't have any other man taking her from you."

Ness didn't notice the slight change in Kaiser's tone as he spoke. He was so focused on talking about how much he loved and adored his fiancé that he didn't even notice the way Kaiser's voice had become a bit more intense.

"She means everything to me," Ness said, his voice now quieter and almost soft.   "She's my everything."

Gross.  Fucking disgusting—

What a load of horseshit.

Kaiser's jaw clenched tight at the midfielder’s words.  Ness' voice was laced with a nauseating amount of love and affection.  He could practically see the hearts dancing in the midfielder’s eyes as he talked about his soon-to-be wife.

"Yeah."  You’re absolutely and utterly nauseating. "You two are... perfect together, I'm sure,” Kaiser wished he could be the one to make Ness talk like that.  “The goddamn picture-perfect couple."

Wasn't I your everything?

Crying.  Kaiser had always left Ness crying.

It seems absurd to Kaiser now.

Of course, therapy didn’t fix much shit if the one person Kaiser had done it for had finally come to his senses and left.

The two never officially started dating to begin with.  For them, not even outside of football half the time, their relationship was always a tangle of messy emotions and confusing feelings.  It was a relationship that was never clearly defined, though both of them knew they had something more than just friendship.

Ness had always known that Kaiser was a difficult man to deal with.  He knew from the start that an intimate relationship between them would be challenging.  However, Ness was willing to take the risk—he didn’t care if the striker was harsh and cruel or if they ended up at each other's throats half the time.  When Ness was with Kaiser, he felt alive .  He felt a sense of passion and excitement that he never experienced with anyone else. 

The striker’s mind slipped back into memories from years ago—memories he had tried so hard to suppress.  After all, the past was the past, and the present was all that mattered.  Or at least, that was what he repeatedly told himself in the face of the harsh sting that came with dwelling on the past.

The past is the past, the present is all that matters.  The past is the past...I don't need the memories.

But still, a few recollections broke out from the chains he had tied so tightly around them.  Memories from when they were still together, and how it all went down.

They were in Kaiser’s hotel room after a particularly unfavorable football game, sitting side-by-side on the bed, with the distance between them feeling more like a gaping chasm than a simple rift until the midfielder couldn't take it anymore and stood up.  Ness and Kaiser were arguing again, but this time it was different.

“Why do you never want to do anything nice?”

Kaiser let out a scoff, rolling his eyes as his hands palmed his knees.

“What, because I don't want to go out to some shitty café with you and hold hands?”

Ness stood over the striker with a slight scowl.  The midfielder was in a regular white shirt with the team jacket slipped on over him.  Ness’ hands were shaking, but he slowly curled them into fists behind his back.  He couldn't show them to the emperor.

“You don't want to do anything that normal couples are supposed to do—”

“You know damn well that I have no interest in being a 'normal couple',” Kaiser sighed, back straightening as he tilted his head back to stare at Ness, his blue strands flipping off his shoulders back onto his back.  “That sort of thing is stupid and pointless.”

Ness let out a frustrated noise, pressing his fists deeper into his back.

“—why can’t you just do something that I want to do for once?”

Kaiser stood up from the hotel bed, messing up the folded bed sheets.  He stepped forward, “And why can’t you understand that I don’t care about doing all that sappy romantic bullshit!?”

The midfielder’s eyes widened in disbelief, and he shook his head.  “I just want us to do something nice!  Is that really too much to ask for?!”

Kaiser’s scowl deepened, “I am doing something nice, by being your goddamn boyfriend.  Isn’t that enough for you?!”

“No!  It's not enough—it's not enough anymore!” Ness exclaimed, his voice rising.  “You never want to do anything special, or romantic, or even just normal!  All you want to do is play football, go out with your other friends—I don't think even you consider them friends, or get drunk!  Drunk, Kaiser!  The one thing you said you'd never do.  You're becoming like your father!"

Kaiser’s eyes flashed with anger, and his arms shot out to shove Ness, sending the midfielder stumbling back a few feet.

“What did you just say to me?!” the striker’s voice trembled with rage,  “Don't you dare bring him up.  You have no right to use him against me.”

He knows he shouldn't have brought that up.  Out of all the things, Ness should have avoided this topic the most.  He couldn't help it though; Kaiser has been pushing his boundaries with this more than enough lately, and the two had like…no boundaries with each other.

Ness regained his footing, his own anger matching as he marched back to Kaiser.

“Oh, but I have every right.  You're becoming him, Kaiser.  How can you not see that?!  You're pushing me away, you're drinking, you're losing focus on the game.  You're becoming just like your dad!”

“Don’t you dare compare me to him!” Kaiser’s lip curled in anger, “I am nothing like that monster!  I will never become him, do you understand me?”

“Then start acting like it!” Ness shouted, throwing his hands up into the air.  “Because all you’re doing right now is pushing me away.  You don’t even treat me like your boyfriend.  I feel like I’m just some kind of friend you mess around with in your free time!”

“Maybe that’s all you are to me now, huh?” Kaiser scoffed, looking the midfielder down.  “Just a friend.  A friend with benefits, if anything.”

Ness let out an indignant noise, and his expression twisted with hurt.

“You don't mean that…”

The midfielder suddenly felt heavy everywhere, like his limbs had just given up and near-crumpled to the ground.  He shook his head vehemently.

“No.  No, you don’t mean that, Kaiser.  You don’t . This…this wasn’t just some convenient thing for you, right?”

Kaiser didn’t answer, and he just stared coldly at the midfielder in front of him.

Ness could practically feel his heart breaking just by looking at the striker’s icy gaze.  His voice was getting more and more desperate, his breathing more ragged.

“Please, tell me I mean more than just that to you, please—just tell me that this relationship was more than just a convenience for you!  You didn’t just use me for—for just sex and football…” Ness’s hand hit his chest, fingers curling into his shirt, yanking and jerking at it.  The midfielder is shaking, “You actually cared about me, right?!”

“Why do you care if I used you for a few years?  It’s not like you were actually useful for anything else.”

“Years!” Ness’ voice raised in pitch and volume, the heartbreak turning to anger.  “Years of my life, spent on you!  Don’t you realize that?!”

“Don’t act like you wasted the last few years of your life on me.  I didn’t hold a gun to your head and make you stay with me.”

“No, you didn’t.  I stayed because I actually loved you!  After all this time, I still…” Ness paused, swallowing the lump in his throat.  “I still love you.  I’m still in love with you, Kaiser.”

“Why?!” Kaiser exclaimed, his voice dripping with annoyance and utter contempt.  “Why do you insist on staying in love with me?  I am never going to love you the way you want me to.  Can’t you see that, you goddamn idiot?”

“Because I can’t help it!  I can’t just stop loving you, it doesn’t work that way!”

His voice trembled, and there were tears welling in his eyes.  “I know you’ll probably never love me, but I just can’t help it.  I just can’t.  I still love you so goddamn much, Kaiser.  I can’t just turn off that feeling!”

“Then you’re dumber than I thought if you still love me,” Kaiser spat, "I’ve treated you horribly, and I’ve never once acted like a proper boyfriend, and yet you’re still head over heels for me.  It’s pathetic.”

Ness’ heart twisted and ached at the striker’s cold words.  He knew they were true, but it still stung to hear him say it out loud.  Tears were now streaming down his face, and he tried to wipe them away with his trembling hand.

“I know… I know I’m pathetic, Kaiser, but I can’t just stop loving you!  It’s not that simple, it’s—”

The rest of his sentence was lost to a strangled sob, and Ness buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking.

Kaiser let out a frustrated sigh, his voice lacking any trace of compassion.

“Stop it, Ness.  Don’t cry, for God’s sake,” Kaiser rubbed at his head, feeling a migraine forming, “Don’t act like I’m the bad guy here.  We both know I’ve done nothing but treat you unfairly from the start.  You’re just a fool for staying and actually loving me.”

Ness struggled to find his voice through the tears.  “I know it, I know I’m an idiot—a fool, but I can’t make these feelings go away.  I’ve…” the midfielder’s shoulders shuddered, “I’ve tried, I really have, but no matter what I do, I can’t just stop loving you.”

His breath hitched, and Ness let out a small hiccup.

“Please.  Please just…don’t just leave me, Kaiser, please I’m begging you—”

“Shut up.”

Ness flinched, recoiling at the harshness in his voice.  Kaiser stared down at the midfielder, looking at his broken expression without a hint of compassion.

Just like every other time, he didn’t have any desire to comfort Ness.  The midfielder shouldn’t have expected him to; the emperor didn’t care about his feelings.  Ness already knows that—he knows that.

Kaiser let out another long, exasperated sigh, and he wandered back to the bed.

“I’m tired of this crap.  I want you out.”

Ness looked up at him in shock, his heart aching with pain.  No, please no, not that.  Please don’t give him a reason to let go…

“Kaiser please, I won’t do anything to inconvenience you anymore, I promise.”

The striker rolled his eyes, and the disdain was evident in his icy glare.  “Just go.”

Ness shook his head violently, desperately wiping away his tears as they continued to stream down his cheeks. ”I— no…no I don’t want to leave, please—”

“Ness.”

“Kaiser, no.  Please.  I can't just—”

“Get it through your fucking head!”

His steps forward were threatening, fists clenched and raised as if they were ready to fire, yet instead he pushed his shoulders past Ness.  Kaiser slammed open the door to his hotel room, the hallway view pouring into sight.

Ness’ feet faltered at the sight.  His emperor was showing him out.

Kaiser’s eyes narrowed.

“I’m saying that I don't want you anymore.”

Kaiser had hoped that their years apart would have cooled his feelings, but the sound of Ness's voice still echoed in his ears like they were on that U20 team again.

It stung, hearing his (former) best friend's voice still carry such a weight, even after all this time. His fingers dug into the fabric of his trousers as he tried to ground himself, fighting against the wave of old emotions that threatened to wash over him.

But his voice remained cool.

"Life isn't fair, Ness."

The midfielder on the other end faded into a short silence.

"I'll…I’ll see you at the wedding then…Kaiser?"

Kaiser's grip tightened on his phone.  A painful sensation began bubbling up in his throat.  This loyal mutt was supposed to come crawling back to him no matter what.  It was suffocating.

The striker mumbled out a reply, clearing his throat to reaffirm his words.

"Yeah…I'll see you then."

He dropped the phone into his lap, hands falling forward to latch onto the sides of the steering wheel.  Kaiser had thrown his cigarette out the window, and the embers extinguished and crisped the snow.

What the hell..?

It was so fucking stupid.

Kaiser's fist slammed into the horn of his steering wheel.  The deafening blare fills up the small, claustrophobic space.  The windows remained shut to block out the city's clamor, yet the blaring of horns didn't subside, creating a cacophony of enveloping sound that only adds to the growing sense of frustration and helplessness.

…fuck.

His fist withdrew and slammed it a few more times.  Relentlessly.  His knuckles whitened as his frustration boiled over.  Kaiser's eyes were scrunched shut, cracked lips pursed, teeth gritted.

Eventually, the blond lashes fluttered open.  Each little hair was drenched.  There were oceans in those eyes now.

Fuck.

A restless sting jammed into his throat.  Kaiser threw his head back against the seat's head cushion.  His shaking fist struck the alarm again.  Kaiser wanted to rip everything.  He didn't want to be sat down; the vehicle confining him was too small.  The striker’s anguished scream ripped through the thick leather walls of his black Rolls-Royce.

"FUCK!"

The tears finally unleashed.  Barriers shattered under the weight of every little fucking thing that had been piling up and was finally getting to him now.

Kaiser’s wide eyes stared at the metal brand on the horn of his car, fingers shaking and shaking and shaking.  His chest heaved up and down with the amount of exertion he used up, hands clammy.

…

…

…

A quietness filled the car as his rage dissipated. Kaiser's chest rose and fell, heavy with each labored breath. He leaned against the steering wheel, exhausted and disoriented.  The silence was deafening. The stillness in the air felt almost mocking, as if daring him to let his guard down.  He needed a moment to gather himself.

……

Oh, who was he kidding?

The engine roared to life as the striker stomped on the gas, whirling the vehicle from the tight parking area.

Kaiser laughed, and a manic glint shone in those drowning eyes of his.

What the fuck, Alexis...?  

Aggressive honks from other vehicles in the intersection hollered.  Roads–there were not even roads to be seen in dull grey weather like this.  The street lights flickered and dimmed as the Rolls-Royce charged down the highway.  Kaiser could hear the contrast of speed with the cars sharing his streets.  The wind chipped bits of the frost off of the windshield, shreds splintering onto the cars behind.

Alexis Ness.

Kaiser doesn't know when it started.  When this insatiable sense of hunger began to spread.  It began in his chest, like two large hands enclosing around the lobes of his lungs and scraping against the inners of his ribs.  It clawed and yanked.  Suffocating his mind with numerous images from what couldn't be and “what-if” thoughts that ran his imagination wild; the ravenous, indescribable desire could no longer be narrowed and filtered down to just mere possession or obsession.

It no longer had any matter to do with domesticating a dog with the aim of sitting Ness loyally at Kaiser’s side.  Kaiser had fixed himself, or at least he was fooling himself with that belief.  The belief that he cast his midfielder aside as Kaiser no longer needed Ness; that they grew to not need each other.

Instead of skillfully crafted manipulation and one-sided wounds, the basis of Kaiser’s new pining was aimed to be…something mutual.

Was.

The plan never came to fruition.

Michael Kaiser had been too late.

A blur of red flashed by.  Shards of glass pelted his skin.  The car forcibly jerked to a halt.  Something flew out of the windshield– someone .

Kaiser couldn't see shit.

But he could hear.

Sirens blasted, and streams of crimson and royal blue danced overhead.  The snow seeped into the tinted coat.  Tears poured from his eyes.  Something gurgled into his throat and he began to shake and choke.  The ground was so cold, and the snow was so high that it began swallowing him up.

Kaiser wasn’t even sure what was killing him–the tears, the blood, the inevitable dread of knowing that the one person who ever loved him would truly not return to him this time around.

He couldn’t breathe.  He couldn’t think.

The emperor had never felt more alone in his life. The chaos around him was so loud, his ears were ringing.  Kaiser couldn't move his extremities, fingers unresponsive.

Michael Kaiser wanted to die right there.  Perhaps then Alexis would give a damn about him again and call off that forsaken wedding.

The striker coughed, specks of spotted crimson dotting the snow beneath him.  Kaiser’s eyelids blinked slowly, heavy like someone was pushing down on them; urging him to seal them shut.

Kaiser conceded.  His head lolled to the side on the snow in the roads that were run over and firmed by hundreds of drivers.  Kaiser's eyes weren't following his will, trying to escape into the back of his brain.  The last thing he sees is his phone strewn off to the side.  Ringing.

The caller ID read: Taube.

Kaiser’s eyelids fluttered, chest rising and lowering shallowly…slowly.  His balled up hands began to unfurl, limp at his sides.

…you were supposed to marry me .